OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

JAKKED RECAP
5/18: The Last Jakked EVER!
May 22, 2002

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Hi again, everyone. Jonny X is here once again with
your Jakked fix for the last time. Jakked will no
longer exist in its present form and will be replaced
by a bunch of shows with names that some fresh-faced
marketing major came up with on his lunch hour. Excess
will also be gone, but missing that will be like
missing a nice square kick in the nuts. I don't know
which, if any, show I'll end up with once the change
happens (Love to hear back from you, Rick!), so we'll
see where the road takes Jonny X. As for now, here's
your Jakked recap.

Your hosts are Marc Loyd and Al Snow.

Test & Christian VS Faarooq & Mark Henry

At least Mark Henry isn't polluting a show people
watch like Smackdown or anything. I'll bet Vince is
glad he blew that #9 pick on him now, eh? And in my
opinion, the World's Strongest Man gimmick always
blows no matter who it's on. If you wanted something
that wrestling fans gave a shit about, you could have
a world's best wrestler gimmick. That'd get some heat
as long as the guy really was the world's best
wrestler. A guy could come out and do a promo and be
like, "Hey, your not the world's best wrestler! I am!"
Then the other guy could be like, "No you're not!
Let's fight!" And then they fight and the world's best
wrestler wins because he's the world's best wrestler.
Instead we get Mark Henry barely lifting a car off the
ground and a bunch of jobbers standing around gawking
at it. This match sucks. Test & Christian win when
Godfather interferes.

Winners: Test & Christian

RECAP ALERT! Hogan and Undertaker have a match to see
who will look best in white shoes and a matching belt
in Florida in five years. Or something to that effect.
It doesn't really matter, no matter who wins, you
still lose.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. VS Billy Kidman

Excellent work, Jakked crew. Thank you for putting
this on the last Jakked ever because now I can save
that pen I was using to take notes from being shoved
through my thorax. They have a nice, stiff
cruiserweight match that I don't need to tell you the
awesomeness of. Kidman wins with a faceslam off of a
powerbomb attempt.

Winner: Billy Kidman

The Godfather VS Funaki

Here's a matchup of the stereotypes if there ever was
one. On one side you got the little dubbed-over, one
phrase-spewing, Japanese guy, and on the other is the
big, dumb, black pimp who likes weed. And to no one's
surprise the big, dumb, black pimp wins and stinks up
the ring in the process.

Winner: Godfather

RECAP ALERT! Women's Title Crap. They finally get the
womens' division in order, and Jazz has to go injure
herself depriving us of a great worker. She did look
like Don Cheadle though.

Albert VS Hugh Morrus

Man, the power of Albert's hairy blubber is
breathtaking and vomit-inducing. Hugh is looking quite
svelte, however. They have a Home Depot match (Read:
lots of LUMBERing) and Albert wins with the big ol'
scissors kick. Hey, give that move back to Steve
Blackman!

Winner: Albert

Now, as for the week before. I had my notes, but in
the process of moving I lost them. So, here in short
form is the winners and losers. Taken from Pat Brower
of 411wrestling.com (who is one badass writer):

The Big Valbowski def. Albert

Chavo Guerrero Jr. def. Funaki

Faarooq def. Godfather

Billy Kidman def. Christian via DQ.

Well, maybe I'll see ya'. Maybe I won't. But either
way...

Soul Train!

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X is your favorite recapper who also writes RAW recaps for www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com. Cheat to win!

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