OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

VELOCITY RECAP
5/25: Jonny Moves from Syndication!
May 29, 2002

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Damn, not waiting until midnight for this damn show to
come on is sure nice. In my market Jakked came on at
midnight or midnight:thirty depending on the mood of
our WB affiliate amongst the phone sex ads (I liked
the one for 1-800-WE ARE 18 myself), syndicated Gene
Roddenberry crap, and of course, Soul Train. My only
problem with this show is that now I don't have a
decent closer for my recap. Not that "Soul Train!" was
exactly Dickens-quality, but I liked it anyway. Now
then, let's see if we can get blood from a stone here.
The big selling point for this show is a Bra and
Panties Match, so it doesn't look to promising.

Tajiri VS Billy Kidman

On the other hand, maybe this show has a chance. If
these two are opening the show and there's the promise
of seeing Hardcore Holly later, I could stick around
for this. The match begins proper with some mat work
as both guys concentrate on each other's arms. If I
were a Cruiserweight, I think I'd go for the knee. The
arm isn't all that powerful on these guys anyway, but
the knee is integral in almost all cruiserweight
moves. But they work the arm nevertheless until Kidman
gives a hurricane piranha to Tajiri causing him to
bail. We go speedy and flippy for awhile both inside
and out. Tajiri then turns it in his favor with a kick
to the head and a special delivery for Kidman to the
post and the steps. And... we go to commercial?! Well,
that's odd. Back now, and we see Tajiri still
controlling Kidman. Kidman manages his way out of an
armbar but Tajiri kicks him in the shoulder... four
fucking times! Ouch! Tajiri controls some more and I
check my VCR to make sure this isn't a tape from
somewhere. This can't be the WWE! These guys have been
wrestling for like ten minutes already. What universe
is this? Kidman blocks the handspring elbow with a
well-timed dropkick, but follows with an idiot charge
leading to the Tarantula. You'd think someone would be
able to avoid that. However, Torrie Wilson shimmies
down the pipe to distract Tajiri. He bounces off the
ropes and Torrie grabs his leg allowing Kidman to nail
his reverse X-Factor (Hey, X-Factor! Read my RAW
recaps!) for the win. Well, hot damn! I can't believe
this match aired on a WWE show. I'm impressed.

Winner: Billy Kidman

RECAP ALERT! This wouldn't be WWE without some recaps,
now would it? Kurt Angle lost the match and his hair
to Edge at Judgment Day. Then on Smackdown he got
himself either a really hideous wig, or some muskrat
Rogaine. Maven came out to explain the virtues of
being bald. Edge and Christian got involved (albeit on
opposite sides) and we had a tag match. Y'know, Kurt
loses his hair at the PPV, and they can't even pay it
off properly for those of us who didn't see it. If
they weren't going to pay it off, then why even do it?

Hardcore Holly VS The Big Valbowski

It's amazing to me that I'm so fond of Hardcore Holly.
After the abortion that was "Sparky" Thurman Plugg,
the laughable embarrassment of the JOB Squad, and the
insulting parody of the Midnight Express, Hardcore
Holly has churned out a nice little niche for himself.
I loved the Big Shot, and I thoroughly enjoyed his
program with Kurt Angle before that arm injury
derailed him. Here's to hoping the bookers get him
something good to work with. As for Val, well, he's
talented but his gimmick sure sucks a giant nut ever
since it got its balls chopped off by the PTC.
Counters aplenty to start and Hardcore lays in the
chops. I always figured those hurt, but after Tough
Enough 2 I now know they must hurt like mofo. They go
back and forth for a bit and Hardcore makes my night
by doing the "How ya' like me now?" kick in the junk.
Back and forth again as this match loses steam and I
get distracted by the latest issue of Maxim. Val hits
the Fisherman's suplex for two then a Blue Thunder.
Money Shot is set up, but Hardcore moves and hits the
Picture Perfect dropkick for the win. Okay match.

Winner: Hardcore Holly

RECAP ALERT! Hogan was supposed to retire on Smackdown
but Vince McMahon fucked it up. I was all excited for
it too. I found myself as one of the only ones not
enthralled with Hogan at WrestleMania and my
bitterness has only grown since then.

Trish Stratus VS Stacy Keibler for the WWE Women's
Title (Bra & Panties Match)

Just when the Women's Division was starting to pick up
steam with the stiff-style of Trish, Jazz, and Molly,
they throw this shit at us. I've said it before, but
if you're going to throw tits and ass at us, just go
full bore with it and show some hardcore lesbian
fucking. If not, then this PG-13 nonsense is just a
waste of my time. I realize a large portion of the
audience is 14 years old, but seriously, you can get
better titillation on the majority of prime time
network shows and cable specials. How did the match
go? How the hell do you think the match went? Trish
ripped off Stacy's shirt and skirt for the win.

Winner and STILL Champion: Trish Stratus

The X-Factor:
I enjoyed this show. Wrestling to recap ratio was much
more favorable than Jakked ever was. Plus, with a 12
minute cruiser match on the card, who can complain? If
Velocity has a long wrestling match each week between
two solid workers, I'll keep watching. So, until next
time...

Soul Train!

Hey, I had to do it one last time =)

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED/VELOCITY RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X is your favorite recapper who also writes RAW recaps for www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com. Cheat to win!

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