OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

VELOCITY RECAP
6/01: Last week, Good...
This week, Not so Much...
June 4, 2002

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I just flew in from New York and boy is my butt tired!
Jonny X back with you on your favorite Online
Onslaught channel and I bring the good stuff. That is,
if your idea of good stuff is a C-level WWE show on a
Saturday night when you should be going out with
girls, then I've got pantloads of it. Or maybe it's
pantloads of something else. I guess we'll just have
to find out.

Your hosts are Michael "Bitchface" Cole and Al Snow.

Mark Henry VS The Godfather

Hmmm, that doesn't smell like good stuff. Maybe it's
the stink lines on Mark Henry's tights. The crowd
starts a loud "We want hoes!" chant before the match.
In this case I think watching some trailer trash
prance around the ring and clap would be a whole
helluva lot better than this match. I'm not going to
bullshit you here. You know you don't give a shit
about this match, and neither do I. So I fast
forwarded through it and opted to save all of our
sanity. Mark Henry won after (what I presume was) an
unremarkable four minutes with a big bearhug. Ooooooh,
the bearhug! How devastating!

Winner: Mark Henry

RECAP ALERT! On Smackdown Undertaker gave Randy Orton
a fighting chance for the WWE Undisputed Title. I was
genuinely surprised at the amount of offense Orton was
allowed. Usually not even Jericho looks that good
against Undertaker, yet Randy Orton looked like a
million bucks. Go figure. Then Triple H poked his
bulky head into the mix and demanded a title shot at
King of the Ring. Two things. I can't wait until the
title picture is clear of the Geritol crowd. And when
is Triple H going to learn not to punk people out
early in the show like an idiot? If you're going to
punk someone out it's got to be when the copyright
comes up. If you do it early in the show, you're only
going to get it back tenfold.

Albert VS Hugh Morrus

Yeah, this is definitely what the show needs to
recover from that grueling first match. One guy's a
big, hairy, bald-headed lummox named after a penis
piercing and the other is a WCW refugee who didn't
even get drafted with a lousy pun for a name. Of
course, those observations are merely reflections of
bad character development and lousy creativity not
necessarily an insight into shoddy wrestling acumen.
The real motive behind my distaste for this match is
not reflected in either man's poor booking nor his
lack of backing from the writing staff because, let's
face it, this IS Velocity and no one watches this show
for storytelling or character development. No, I feel
as though because this is Velocity we, the fans,
should be treated to long wrestling matches with clean
finishes such as the encounter from last week pitting
Yoshihiro Tajiri against Billy Kidman. Perhaps this is
a microcosm of a bigger problem within the WWF. We,
the viewers of Velocity are obviously die-hard fans of
the fruits of Vince McMahon's labor. Yet, continually
we get marginalized by Mr. McMahon by his ill
perceptions of what we desire. We desire not large,
slow-moving, 6' 6" men tugging about at each other.
Rather, we desire two cardiovascularly fit ATHLETES
weave a cohesive story through movement and violence
without the often unnecessary distractions of poorly
produced skits and campy backstage segments. Perhaps
the athlete comment is an unfair jab at Hugh Morrus
who has trimmed down and sped up his game in recent
months. Perhaps Albert can fall into this category as
well because he is one the more talented big men with
an entertaining arsenal and a unique look. But the
argument still stands that we, the hardcore fans, do
not want to see them. Yet, the argument comes full
circle when you consider how they have been largely
forgotten by the writing crew and no one has any
motivation to watch them. A mental quandary? Yes. A
perplexing problem facing both the WWE and fans alike?
Absolutely. A cleverly disguised way to get out of
recapping another crappy match? Shit dawg, and you
know 'dis! Albert wins with the Baldobomb.

Winner: Albert

RECAP ALERT! Edge and Kurt Angle rage in the cage.
It's refreshing to see the workers take back over the
WWE's flagship shows and tear the house down with
actual wrestling. Kudos to Edge and Angle for working
their asses off to entertain us and kudos to the WWE
for showing us something we wanted to see.

RECAP ALERT! Jackie and Linda claim the Tough Enough 2
Championships. I was 1 for 2 in my picks as I got
Jackie right. I was fucking convinced from day 1 that
Jake would take the whole thing with his eyes closed,
but then I was also sure the Cubs would win the World
Series in '89. I don't think this'll be the last we
see of Jake however. I also hope Kenny lands somewhere
good. He was a hell of an athlete (from what I saw)
and seems to have both a good heart and a good head on
his shoulders. Congrats to Linda and Jackie and may
they find more success than Nidia has.

Rev. D-Von VS The Big Valbowski

D-Von has that big corn-fed white boy Deacon with him
still and I wonder how long until we have another
Gangrel/Brood situation on our hands where the
underlings are more over than the leader. Probably not
long. He preaches us a sermon asking for more funds
before the match and Val responds with some posing and
gyrations. That was certainly the battle of wits,
wasn't it? D-Von hammers and stomps away to start but
Val responds with a comback. They go back and forth
for awhile until we suddenly decide to go to
commercial. Apparently hawking that Perfect Pancake
machine is more important than this, so who am I to
argue? Val hooks in a leglock as we return and D-Von
tries to tap out, but that damn ref is trying to shoo
away Deacon Batista. D-Von controls for a bit, then
Val takes his turn on offense. D-Von goes back on
offense, but Val turns the tide one more time and
nails Blue Thunder for a two count. Ref gets bumped
(On Velocity?) and Deacon grabs Val's foot as he comes
off the ropes. Val goes to politely ask him of his
intentions, but Deacon gets all rude and clocks Val
with the collection box. D-Von makes the cover and
wins.

Winner: Rev. D-Von

The X-Factor: Decidedly less enthralling than last
week. As you can see, I'm a little burned out. I
recapped RAW and Smackdown this week which is a lot
for me. I don't know how guys like The Cubs Fan and
CRZ do as many shows as they do because this shit just
wears me out after too much. So, on that note...

Confidential! (Just doesn't have the same ring)

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED/VELOCITY RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X is your favorite recapper who also writes RAW recaps for www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com. Cheat to win!

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