OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

VELOCITY RECAP
6/15: Tag Team Titles on the Line!
June 18,2002

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

No catchy intro this week, just action. Or as much
action as the WWE is willing to give us...

Your hosts are Michael "Bitchface" Cole and Tazz who
is in for the vacationing Al Snow. Yeah, because Al
Snow works such a difficult schedule what with
jaunting off to South Africa with some 20 year-olds
and staying in one place for months at a time while
the rest of the roster is on the road five days a
week.

Billy & Chuck VS Randy Orton & Mark Henry for the TAG
TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP

How sad is the Tag Team Championship when it's being
defended on the C-Level Show against two guys whose
names were picked completely at random. Shit, Mark
Henry and Randy Orton? Let's get some fucking tag
teams already. And I must say I'm impressed with the
logic behind this booking. If one giant fat guy don't
get the Tag Team Titles over, a different one with
darker skin pigment sure will. Anyway, you know none
of you read the move-by-move analysis, so let's cut to
the end. Rico causes a distraction allowing Chuck to
superkick Mark Henry in the face and Billy to run in
with the Fameasser. Well, so much for that shot at the
Tag Titles.

Winners and STILL Champions: Billy and Chuck

Rikishi VS Albert

Just as I suspected, the WWE does in fact not read me.
I made a simple request for this show to showcase the
Cruiserweights and give us long matches between two
solid workers with clean pinfalls. What do I (and the
rest of you) get? Mark Henry in the first match (Hey
nice draft pick, Vince!) and Rikishi and Albert in the
second. I was having a discussion with my dad a few
days ago about wrestling and why he hates it now. My
dad was an old school AWA fan and he stopped watching
when Hulk Hogan rode atop the WWF ship on its wave of
popularity in the mid 80s. One of his main complaints
was that there were too many "fat guys" who "can't
wrestle" and are "horrible to look at." I tried to
explain to him that those days were over and wrestling
was once again about workrate and good matches with
two fit athletes. I finally got him to sit down and
watch it again and we get these two matches completely
blowing my entire case out of the water. Thanks, WWE.
Rikishi hits the flying butt drop for the pin and then
dances.

Winner: Rikishi

RECAP ALERT! Smackdown Brand Owner Vince Fucking
McMahon pins Ric Flair with help from Brock Lesnar to
reunite the WWE under the McFuckingMahon banner. I
hope this doesn't mark the end of the Brand Extension
because I think I'm the only one who likes it. But I'm
probably wrong as usual.

The Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young come to the ring.
Hey Mae, you missed Mark Henry by two matches.
Bitchface plugs Moolah's autobiography and we take an
exciting ad break!

Back from commercial break and we're apparently done
with Moolah and Mae. That's about the appropriate
dosage of Moolah and Mae for a year. At least they've
done one thing right tonight.

RECAP ALERT! Nidia and Jamie Knoble (The Trailer Trash
Connection!) pester the hell out of the Hurricane.

Jamie Knoble VS Funaki

I wonder if Funaki's job is on the line now that Stone
Cold has beaten his wife and been fired. I'm sort of
glad my dad got up and walked away when he did because
I don't think he'd be too impressed with either guy
here either. Maybe my whole case was futile and he'll
never come back. That is unless Ray "The Crippler"
Stevens and Kenny "The Sodbuster" Jay come back for
some sort of AWA nostalgia tour. I enjoyed this match
very much. Good for me. Jamie locks in the Trailer
Hitch (Reverse Figure 4) for the submission. Added
points are awarded for making me snicker with the name
of the move.

Winner: Jamie Knoble

RECAP ALERT! Triple gets mad! Remind me never to
disguise myself as a table or any other piece of
furniture when Triple H is upset. I'd be in trouble!

Kurt Angle VS Hardcore Holly

Doth my eyes deceive me? Is that Kurt Angle working
Velocity? I applaud the effort of getting some of the
bigger name superstars on the secondary shows, but I
find that it's somewhat in vain. Saturday nights are
fucking dead in terms of ratings draws. Networks put
show on Saturdays in order for them to die. Velocity
is catering to such a small subset of the audience,
why not use its slot to promote the cruiserweights or
developmental talent? Save guys like Kurt Angle for
the shows where the real ad revenue comes in and top
tier guys are actually needed. Don't waste the effort
on the seven people who watch this show.

While I'm thinking of this stuff, I saw Confidential.
From what I've read, Confidential has been a "swerve
the smarts" type of show that can be written off as
bullshit with a hint of broken kayfabe thrown in. But
the piece on Bobby Heenan was well done and I'm glad
to see my all-time favorite wrestling personality
battling through cancer and surviving. Here's to a
full recovery, Brain. I'm with you and you have the
support of all us here at Online Onslaught.

Anyway, Hardcore fails to avenge his broken arm from
whenever that was and falls victim to a homoerotic
pinning predicament courtesy of Kurt Angle and the top
rope.

Winner (duh!): Kurt Angle

The X-Factor:

Angle/Holly was quite watchable, but Kurt has that
same ability Shawn Michaels had in that he can have a
good match with pretty much anyone living or dead.
Knoble/Funaki was also solid, but two good matches
gets cancelled out by two really crappy matches.
Thumbs in the middle (Hi Rick!) for this show and I
still hold out the infinitesimal hope that I'll get my
all-cruiserweight spectacular. So, until next week...

Send me a closer and get your name on this page!

Later.

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED/VELOCITY RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X is your favorite recapper who also writes RAW recaps for www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com. Cheat to win!

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