DAG, YO. The Immolator is back home from his whirlwind tour of Japan. I’m telling you, it’s like another planet. Case in point: Homer Simpson doesn’t say “D’oh!” in Japan, he says “D’ew!” And they have Pringles flavours like “Wild Consommé” and “Mild Salt.” Sure is good to be back where things are normal, yessir.

Anyway, your intrepid international correspondent didn’t pass up the chance to see some good ol’ Japanese pro-wrestling. On April 13, All Japan had a PPV event in Tokyo at the Budokan Hall. Now, ten years ago (!) Japanese wrestling made a mild dent on the North American scene, with the cross-promotion of WCW and New Japan at its height. Viewers here got to see the likes of Jushin “Thunder” Liger, Kensuke Sasake, Hiroshi Hase, Masa Chono and, of course, The Great Muta. I marked out big time for their high-quality wrestling style, especially with the WWF in the state it was in (think WM9). But, things changed, and the last time we saw Muta, he was kinda fat and bald and stuck in a stupid feud against, of all people, The Demon. Yeesh.

Fast forward to 4/13, and pro-wrestling seems to be in a bit of a funk in Japan. Events aren’t selling out like they used to. The whole country has been in a recession for the past decade, with their ongoing bank scandals making Enron look like a case of minor embezzlement. But there’s still some buzz around this particular PPV card. Stan Hansen will be there to present some championships, and the main event is Gen’ichiro Tenryu v. Keiji Mutoh for the Triple Crown Championship. You might remember Tenryu for his appearance in the 1993 and 1994 Royal Rumbles. Mutoh, of course, is Muta without his makeup.

On the way to the event, my travelling companion and I stopped by the infamous Yakusuni Shrine, which commemorates the soldiers who fought in the Pacific War, known to us as World War II. Infamous because it has always been Japanese policy not to apologize for its actions, and Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has a habit of stopping by to visit whenever he needs a boost in support from the far right. Including last week, much to the chagrin of South Korea as the two countries prepare to host the World Cup. Why do I bring this up? Well, as we walk up the path, I spot an article on the ground: a brand new cell-phone pendant, still in its packaging. They like to hang stuff off their cell-phones the way we hang stuff off our rear-view mirrors. The pendant is of the late Shohei “Giant” Baba, three-time NWA champion, the founder of All Japan and probably the Number Three man in Japanese wrestling history, behind Rikidozan and Antonio Inoki. I looked around to see if anyone was searching for his dropped item. Seeing no-one, I pocketed my prize and went to the hall.

Budokan Hall is an octagonal dojo, and seats about 13,500 with great sightlines. It’s a three-tiered seating arrangement. I was on the second tier, almost directly behind where the wrestlers made their entrances. The ring setup was simple, no fireworks, flashing lights kept to a minimum. The inside area is no-smoking, so people were packing the hallways to get their fix before the event. Japan is like one giant cancer stick, always burning. Another quirk: you can bring in your own food. There was a concession table outside, but nothing in the arena. People don’t tend to buy that kind of merchandise, unless it has Ichiro’s picture on it. He’s as close to a god in Japan as you can get.

So, with junk food in tow, I took my second-hand smoky seat and settled in for an evening of puroresu, as Hisa coined it. I had no clue who half these guys were, so I relied on Hisa and Zach Arnold for their web work. Join me, won’t you?

YAZ URANO v. NOBUKAZU HIRAI. First out of the chute was Urano, who looked as green as the shorts he was wearing. In Japan, the wrestlers come out first, then they get introduced in the ring. As their names are called out, their fans will throw streamers into the ring, usually matching the colour of their tights. Urano got one green streamer. One. And he was probably thrilled with that, too. Hirai won the match in 5:39 with a crab. Urano did most of the work in the match, though. Green, but willing.

Ah, cheesy 1980’s AWA-style instrumental music abounds tonight. And the crowd is just starting to file into the cheap seats (4000 yen, call it US$40) on the third tier. Second tier seats were 5000 yen. Floor, I think, was 6000, with ringside jacked up to 190K. Crowd was still mostly male, although with more women than North American crowds, and with an older demographic. No children, and few of the little hoodlums that populate arenas here.

KAZUSHI MIYAMOTO, GRAN NANIWA & RYUJI HIJIKATA v. KAZ HAYASHI, JIMMY YANG & HI69. Here’s some familiar faces. Although no Leia Meow, sadly. In fact, no T&A whatsoever, or managers of any gender. Just good wrestling. Lots of streamers for these guys. Jimmy Yang seems to be the most popular of the six. In Japan, the crowd mostly sits there and pays attention during the match, although there is an audible buzz and applause for good spots. Every once in a while, a fan will shout out the name of his or her favourite. Yang got his name called the most, especially from the ladies. Not bad for an ABC in Japan. Yang hit his patented backflip off the guy’s chest and won it for his team with Yang Time after 10:30 on Hijikita. Seeing Gran Naniwa work was a pleasure.

GEORGE HINES & TOMOAKI HONMA v. HIROSHI HASE & HIDEKI HOSAKA. I was pleasantly surprised to see Hase on the card. I’d estimate he ranks up there with Curt Henning in importance in Japan, and also in retirement matches, if memory serves me right. He’s also a hoot. Hase was introduced last of the four, and only got three streamers, which visibly surprised him even more than me. Hines was known as Jackie Fulton back in the day. The bicycle kick seems to be his thing. Spot of the match: Hase puts the giant swing on Honma and swings him around 30 times. The crowd counted along and popped big time at around 25. Hase won it at 11:56 with a Northern Lights suplex on Honma. Solid, but nothing special beyond Hase.

KENDO KA SHIN v. MASA FUCHI. This match was for the All Japan Jr. Heavyweight title. Before the match, Stan Hansen was introduced to a big pop. He read a prepared statement in English in his capacity as President of the PNW. Hansen is 52, and he looks younger than Fuchi, honest. This match featured a lot of arm holds. I mean a LOT of arm holds: standing, on the mat, entwined Tajiri-style in the ropes… 16:55 worth of arm holds, until Ka Shin finally wins with a cross-arm scissors. After the match, Ka Shin is awarded a six-foot tall trophy along with the belt. He also refused to shaken Hansen’s hand, generating tons of heel heat. Kaz came out and challenged Ka Shin, saying the match should be done over or something. My companion provided translation, but it was hard for her to hear the mic. Ka Shin then ripped up the some official-looking documents and posed with his foot on top of the trophy, laying on its side. More heel heat.

There was an intermission (i.e. smoke break), I think it was at this point. Tenderfoot time-out, and the line-ups at the washrooms are huge. Even so, I was in and out before the women’s line-up had budged an inch. Let’s just say Japan is back in the early ‘60s when it comes to attitudes toward women. The 1860s, that is.

MIKE BARTON, JIM STEELE & THE CEDMAN v. STEVE WILLIAMS, MIKE ROTUNDA & YOJI ANJOH. More familiar faces. The former Varsity Club members are doing the sign of the Diamond for some reason. And the focus of the match seems to be on Barton v. Williams. I wonder if this has anything to do with the Brawl for All. This match was mostly a clusterfrick. Steele did most of the work, getting beat up. His name in Japan comes out “Stee-lee.” And he seemed to have the support of a number of fans. As did Barton, but Williams is still the man in Japan. His team won when Williams back drop-suplexed Cedman at 16:16. Lots of post-match posing and an extracurricular activity. Anjoh did almost nothing in this match.

ARASHI & NOBUTAKA ARAYA v. MITSUYA MAGAI & SHIGEO OKUMURA. This one was for the All-Asia Tag titles, and Hansen again came out to do his official thing. Even though I had no clue who these guys were, I loved this match. It started off slow with lots of submission matwork, but built up from there. Tons of teased finishes, and people getting suplexed like ragdolls. The finish came at 23:27 when Arashi hit a Clothesline From Heck on Okumura. The lariat is used more as a finisher in Japan than it is here, and it took a little bit of the wind out of my sails, but one look at Stan Hansen reminded me of the move’s importance here. Crowd was amped for the last 15 minutes of this one. Forget anything you’ve heard about the crowds in Japan just sitting on their hands.

SATOSHI KOJIMA v. TAIYO KEA. The streamers are coming down like a monsoon by the time we get to this match. Kojima is hugely popular, and gives me that 1992 Muta vibe all over again. Kea reminds me of Steamboat. And these guys put on a clinic. Kojima won at 17:13 with the lariat, but not until some fantastic back-and forth action. Kojima gets a title shot with the win.

GEN’ICHIRO TENRYU v. KEIJI MUTOH. The mother of all battles. Tenryu is a minor deity in Japan. But it’s Mutoh that excites. And his resurgence this past year in Japan has been nothing short of phenomenal. His look is now similar to what we saw from Hakushi. He’s put on a lot of upper-body muscle, his gut has shrunk down again, and he’s shaved his head and grown a goatee. He looks great, especially for a man with basically no knees left. Tenryu, on the other hand, makes Ric Flair look like Rick Rude. And yet he can still go. People in Japan appreciate veterans, not like here. The crowd was in paroxysms for this one.

Tenryu and Mutoh had a fairly even exchange of it. Seeing the rejuvenated Mutoh do the power drive elbow almost brought a tear to my eye. Tenryu even went to the top for a back elbowdrop. Mutoh tried the moonsault three times, but never managed to connect. On the final try, Tenryu got the knees up, then won at 19:38 with a brainbuster. He wins the Triple Crown championship. After the match, Kojima came out and called Tenryu a bakayaro, which loosely translates to “stupid bastard” in English.

So, I was a bit disappointed that Mutoh didn’t win, but just to be there was a pleasure. Maybe I’ll be back someday. In the meantime, there’s SmackDown! to be recapped, so check in later this week for the return of the Immo.