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WWE RAW presents Backlash 
April 30, 2006

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com


Maybe I came in with high expectations. Maybe I just let Last Monday's RAW -- with all it's talk of the glory that is the Male Ejaculatory Process -- get my hopes up for some kind of raging climax.... but Backlash seemed to deliver very little satisfaction.
That's not to say that the means to the planned ends weren't periodically inspired (they were), but when you're most compelling finish involves male cheerleaders reigning supreme over the Lord Almighty, you've probably done some nancified booking.

Unless the stated backstage goal is for Cena to HonkeyTonk the WWE Title for 

another fucking year, I honestly don't understand the finish of the just-completed show. Because Cena retaining was the only outcome with no desirable "outs." So, what? Another round of Cena/HHH? We've certainly gotten our yucks out of them, but at this point, the ONLY reason to let Cena retain and have Trips come back at him is for Cena to retain and keep on keepin' on until they can find an UNanvilicious "out" to Cena's retarded title reign, which is gonna get old REALLY fast.

Just my own damned opinion, though.

Definitely some good stuff on the show tonight, but definitely a lot bad and/or confusing, too. I apologize in advance if I am brusque, but I have my reasons, and will try to be back to full strength with additional thoughts in a column tomorrow (and definitely by the time the RAW Recap comes around on Tuesday). Bear with me..... and admit it: you only mostly care about who won and lost, not about my bringing the Grade A Snark, right?

Here are the full results of tonight's just-completed Backlash pay-per-view (with some additional editorial commentary tacked on in the customary red italics):

  • Opening Video Package: they are presenting McMahons vs. Michaels/"God" as the co-main event with Cena/HHH/Edge. This makes me more nervous than anticipatory. Also, I repeat an observation from a few weeks ago: this is the most tolerable PPV Theme Music that we've had in ages. Is it Danko Jones' new single? Kinda sounds like it.... I suppose if I could keep my finger off the FF Button long enough, WWE would tell me, but that's NOT how I roll...
  • Welcome and Hype: well, SHIT. Looks like any fun I was gonna have playing the Joey Styles JR-itis Game is out the door. Because Joey is out the door. After announcing the Heat match (the new, even-gayer Rob Conway jobbed to Goldust), Styles is gone, and replaced by the real JR. No more puppeteering for Jimbo. His words will come out of HIS mouth. Effective immediately with this opening match....
  • Carlito beats Chris F. Masters via pinfall in 10 minutes. Carlito jumpstarts things a bit, and basically out-quicks CFM for about 2 minutes at the start. That ends after Masters sidesteps a charge into the ropes and send Carlito out over the top. JR (and this is a near quote): "Looks like Masters is gonna slow this one down to a more-Masterpiece-like Pace." As a dearly-departed friend of mine used to say: "Snerk." Or possibly: "I love shoot comments that weren't intended as shoot comments." JR seemingly had no Masters love the entire match, actually, which is why we all have Much JR Love. To Masters' credit, he was ostensibly working a body part (Carlito's head and neck) after the initial tumble to the outside, but he was working it in that 80s-tastic way of his. I shit you not: THREE different times, he clamped on a neck vice-thingie, which is even lamer looking than the full nelson. It's out of that hold that Carlito fired up. His comeback? Was hamstrung almost immediately, and NOT in the good way, when Carlito hit some nominally effective move and made a cocky no-hands cover, and Masters kicked out at 3-and-a-half. That's not a typo: THREE-and-a-half.  Fuckwit can't count to three or forgot to kick out or something.  Crowd was gone at that point (after already chanting "Boring" at Masters earlier in the match). Carlito's fire-up actually had more convincing near-falls later on, but nobody cared (and plus, to make up for his mistake, Masters was doing things like kicking out of superplexes at one-and-a-half, now; what a choade). Carlito continued his heat sequence mostly unimpeded, until Master tried to reverse his way into a Shitty Full Nelson. But Carlito re-countered that immediately into the Double Knee Back Cracker. He put the legs on the rope for extra leverage, and there's your winner. [Carlito's not bad, and you can actually see him thinking in the ring and trying to put things back together when they go south. He's not Chris Benoit, I grant, but he's doing the very best with what he's got. But anybody who saw this match and can tell me -- with a straight face -- that Chris F. Masters belongs on TV being presented the way he's presented can kindly lick my creamy bunghole. He's bad enough that Arena-fulls of Kentuckians recognize his suckitude!]
  • Backstage: Maria tried to throw to a video package, but screwed up by saying that Masters just beat Carlito. Is she really that stupid, or did they maybe change the booking of this show on the fly and forget to tell the poor Mic Stand? 
  • Video Package: Kentucky chimes in on who they think will win the Triple Threat Main Event. I die a little bit inside that I may be to the North of the shallow end to the gene pool. But I'm only about 50 miles north. Suddenly, Michigan's not looking so bad.....
  • Backstage Again: And Maria's back, and this time has Lita interrupting her after Maria notices that Kentucky didn't really show up in support of Edge. They trade some blowjob humor, because afterall, it IS PPV, and then Lita promises that her man will win tonight, and then this time? The Sex Celebration will be private, and all the losers in the audience will hate it. Nope. Not really, Lita. But thanks for trying. And unless you're wearing One Of Those Shirts, you can't cloud my mind into thinking you're bringing anything positive to this show! Yeah~!
  • Umaga beat Ric Flair via pinfall in about 3 minutes. Flair tried to jumpstart, Umaga no sold, Flair eye-poked, Umaga no sold, Flair hit two consecutive nutsac blows, Umaga no sold (so it's not just the Samoan head that is impervious to pain?), Flair tried to loosen up the knee with a Chop Block, Umaga no sold. Flair then got the Headbutt of Woe, the Fat Ass Butt Attack, and the Asiatic Spike. And that was it. [I simply don't understand the point. Obviously this does nothing for Flair, but Umaga is so sucktastic that it does nothing for him, either, unless you count "Momentarily Derailing Ric Flair" as a positive outcome. They turned the one-sidedness of it into a storyline. JR actually let his Inner Gorilla Monsoon come out to visit when he uttered the line "I can't believe Umaga has beat Ric Flair in LITERALLY record time." This still sucked and was an energy- and momentum-sapping segment that could have been booked better by monkeys with throwing their feces at a specially marked dart board.]
  • Backstage: Vince and Shane McMahon were caught chatting before their match.  Vince said that Shawn Michaels was all Shane's, but Vince wanted God all to himself. Shane was back to playing this beautifully, as the guy who almost wants to smack his own dad for being so annoying, but can't. Vince said he's got God's number. First, he poured some of his bottled water (handing the bottle to Shane) on the floor and "walked on it." Then he took a loaf and a fish and had some fun with that (in the ultimate of third-grade-caliber stupidity, the punchline was "Holy Mackerel"). Then the camera followed Vince as he left for a moment, and then quickly panned back to Shane, who rolled his eyeballs and took a swig of Vince's water.... which was suddenly a lovely Pinot Noir. Hee. That actually was a nice tag line. So nice, I'm betting it's the kind of subtle touch that 50% of the audience (and 100% of Wade F. Kellers) don't catch.
  • Trish Stratus beat Mickie James via Disqualification, in about 5 minutes. Mickie was dressed as Mickie, and Trish was dressed as Trish. And also: under her skirt Mickie was wearing what would have been called "Granny Panties" if she were Molly Holly, and Trish has invented this ingenious new single-suspender-style Anti-Ass-Cleavage Device. Which doesn't really bother me, since it gives me the impression that we're here to fucking thrown down, and not look at Rump, tonight! I can deal. Trish with the super-fast start, including a cool Matrix-into-a-head-scissors spot. Mickie was selling the general emotion of being a bit intimidated or confused by Trish's intensity. Trish's domination built up to a "mount and punch" spot in the corner, but before Lawler could even register the proximity of Trish's vagina to Mickie's face, Mickie tossed Trish out over the top rope.... and it was a sick tumble in which it really looked like Trish's right arm was bent in a way it wasn't supposed to be. Things slowed down for a second, and eventually they got on the replays, which showed the odd fall (Trish tried to break her fall, but her shoulder just got wrenched a weird way; later on, they would announcer -- shoot style -- that it was a separated shoulder, and I'd just like to congratulate myself on my abilities to diagnose Hot Broads From A Distance, since the announcers spent the whole time thinking it was an elbow injury; clearly, they don't have my discerning eye). They limped through some of Mickie's offense after that tumble, but it did kinda seem half speed. And then, out of nowhere, Mickie took part of her skirt/sash-type-thingie and choked Trish out with it. And she didn't break at the five count. FIN. [It might have been the planned finish, it might not have been, but I'm betting that wasn't WHEN they planned to do it. Very sudden and unsatisfying, but if Trish really was badly wounded, who the hell can blame them? Whatever the reality of the situation is, I must admit I *did* totally buy into when Trish was standing in the ring with her right arm limp and useless and gesturing -- as is appropriate for her -- Broadly with her left that Mickie should come back and restart the match. But Mickie just kept French Kissing the women's title, caring only that she retained, not that she lost the match.]
  • Backstage: Maria actually corrected her Masters/Carlito mistake from before, so now I don't know what the deal is... if you leave it alone, then the joke is that she's stupid, but now? Oy, it's making my head hurt. Maria's guest? Shawn Michaels, who she asks "Is God here tonight." Shawn, like all good Men Of Faith says God is ALWAYS here, but that only means that Shawn's gonna go out there and use the gifts God gave him to fight the good fight, not that it's really a tag team match. And Shawn thinks his gifts are mighty, and that when all is said and done, Vince will be on HIS knees, saying a few words to God. And if not, Shawn was still sure that Kentucky had two words for Vince..... and the crowd of heathens complied with a "Suck it." And Shawn sure seemed more amused by that then a man of the Jesus should be, but whatever....
  • Rob Van Dam beat Shelton Benjamin, via pinfall, in about 20 minutes. OK, so the most important part about this match? In the opening 2 minutes, Jim Ross said that the Money in the Bank contract was good to face EITHER the WWE or the World Champion. The hell? That wasn't the stip as I understood it.... and if that's a new twist being introduced, it's gotta be for a reason. And with that, I'm officially changing my Forecasting to include RVD vs. JBL at One Night Stand for the WORLD Title. 
    Anyway, the match starts out with some pretty good psychology-building, as they try some amateur style wrestling. And they split the spots. When RVD wins, he preens cockily. When Shelton wins, he oozes douchbag. Match only finds its real rhythm, though, when Shelton counters something and ends up Atomic Sunset Flipping RVD (from the apron to the floor, in an ouchie of a spot). From there, all of Shelton's offense for the next 6-7 minutes was back-related.  RVD's hope spots were numerous, but failed. The best one was when RVD set up for Rolling Thunder, but as soon as Rob started the "rolling" Part of that, Shelton kipped up, and was waiting with a Samoan Drop for him when he got done rolling. Nasty (and very cool). After both men fell outside at around the 15 minute mark is when things went up even another notch. This was the start of RVD's REAL comeback, and he hit a rolling thunder for a near fall. But Shelton would counter that with a wicked DDT (sold in the 90-degree-bump that only RVD -- and Trish Stratus when she wants to upset me -- can do; oh, and also Val Venis). RVD would hit some awesome kick combo, but Shelton would counter with a single-jump-superplex (which is just a whole new kind of "Holy Shit" in my book). And finally, Shelton got frustrated and tried to bring the Money in the Bank Briefcase into the ring.... but after a mild ref bump, Shelton whiffed with the case, RVD got the case, and then tossed it back to Shelton.... who caught it, because he doesn't watch tape. RVD, of course, delivered the obligatory Van Daminator, and as the ref regained his senses, added on a Five Star Frog Splash for flavor. RVD's your IC Champ, and he's (apparently) got the right to go after EITHER the World or WWE Champ whenever he wants, now, too. [Very good match, though it didn't really hit its groove until the last 5 minutes or so, when they had me tricked into not knowing for sure who would win, or how.]
  • Video Package: Kane. Big Show. Me fixing dinner. Twas a PERFECTLY roasted chicken breast (basted in Cincinnati's finest Montgomery Inn BBQ sauce) with a side of "Rice Pilaf" Flavored Rice-a-Roni and some broccoli.  And Twas WAY better than the video package. Or the match that was to come.....
  • Kane probably beat Big Show by DQ, or maybe it was a No Contest, and they took 10 Interminable minutes to get there. Could these two have had a good match? Maybe, but it would have required some crowd interest. Of which there was none. And on top of that, they didn't exactly cleanly execute the few things they tried to do. Ugh. So ugly, in so many ways. Even Jim Ross got in on the "secret code announcing" again, as he did in the opener, to make sure we knew that he knew this was dying on the table. Slobber, knocker, lather, rinse, repeat. And then, about 10 minutes in -- at a completely random juncture -- Kane took command, and all of a sudden the lights went red and the "voices in Kane's head" started playing over the house sound system, and Kane started freaking out. JR played it straight ("what the hell is going on here?"), Lawler sold it like an idiot (as if he really believed he was the only one hearing Kane's voices). Big Show tried to tend to Kane and calm him down, but the voices and the bad lighting continued. So Show got a Conflicted (tm, JR) look on his face, grabbed a chair, and whacked Kane with it. Suddenly, the voices and the lights went away at the same time Kane was knocked out. Ugh. There was no official decision, but here in OO Think, that's still a DQ, Big Show, and you lost. In WWE Think, this is clearly just the next chapter in something mind-blowingly awful. [Match sucked. Finish sucked worse. Anybody responsible on the creative end of this thing, either e-mail me privately and tell me what the big finish is that I'm just not seeing or go jump off a tall building and remove yourself from the gene pool, OK? You don't have anything to contribute to society, and neither would your offspring. That's how retarded you are.]
  • Backstage: Candice Michelle approaches Vince McMahon complaining of a chest cold. After some flirtation that would have the effect of shriveling the sexual organs of any member of either gender with an IQ over 60, the "god" of McMahonism lays his hands upon Candice, and is about to lay a lot more than that on here when Shane McMahon pops in and says their match is next, so hands off the whores, Dad.
  • Shane and Vince McMahon beat Shawn Michaels, via pinfall, in about 25 minutes. The McMahons came in first, and then Vince did some mic work that built up to the "ring entrance" of "God." It was just a single spotlight moving down the aisle, but Vince didn't think it jazzy enough, so he made "God" enter the second have of the way to some crap-ass funk knock-off. Ohhhh, so notphemous! Just lame. But Kentucky? They likes them some God, so Vince was getting heat for it. Then Shawn enters and jumpstarts. The match quickly has Vince powdered out and Shawn/Shane brawling up to the top of the ramp. Up there, they did a couple big spots, with Michaels slamming Shane on the steel, and then tackling Vince off the stage (into the always-helpful pile of Soft Things). Michaels headed back onto the stage to get Shane, but Shane was waiting with a steel chair, and whacked Shawn with it, drawling blood. But not a lot of it. Apparently, the 11th Commandment is "Thou shalt not eat your aspirin before blading."
    Match turned into a law-abiding tag match at this point, as Shane pounded away on Shawn, and Vince stood on the apron, as any good 60-year-old should. Once an adequate beatdown had been laid upon Shawn, Vince demanded to be tagged in. Did some very basic moves. Kept turning to taunt "God" in the opposing corner. And eventually, he pantomimed watching "God" leave the ring, and did some mic work taunting Michaels that his God had forsaken him. Bad idea. That merely started HBK Comeback #1. Flying Burrito (well, RUNNING Burrito, as it was quite sloppy) and Kip on on Vince. Inverted Atomic and (after a few go-rounds) Macho Man Elbow for Shane. Then a triple-reverse-y spot where Michaels tuned up the band, but we didn't know which McMahon he was gonna hit with the Chin Music.... but he eventually hit both. 
    Instead of going for the fall, Michaels went for tables (two of them) and set them up in the ring as the crowd chanted "We want tables." Then Michaels put both McMahons on the tables, while the jerk-face crowd chanted "We want ladders." So Shawn immediately complied and got the biggest damned ladder I've ever seen and set it up in the ring. He got on top of it, ready to crush both McMahons..... but suddenly, at the last second, he changed directions and leapt to ringside.... right onto all five members of the Spirit Squad. Damn you, Dunn, and your crap-ass direction!
    The Squad's taken out, but at what cost? When the six men all get back up, Michaels loses the brawl. A few Squadders tend to Vince and Shane, a few others keep Shawn busy. And then, the big finish: the Spirit Squad get Michaels back into the ring and hit a HIGH elevation Fukuoko Toss on him, sending HBK crashing through one of the remaining tables. Vince drapes and arm over Michaels, and that's that. Points to JR for hitting a possible Keeper Line: "And there's your winners: the Father, the Son, and their Holy Squad." [Excellent Sports Entertainment Segment. Never dragged, had a big finish, and other than maybe one spot in the middle, the "God" stuff didn't annoy too much. Oh, and since I just realized I forgot to mention it, YES, Michaels did manage to sneak in a Crotch Chop. Probably my choice for Match of the Night.]
  • Backstage: Todd Grisham interviewed John Cena, who even when trying to embrace his innate Obnoxiousness only comes off as MORE obnoxious, cut a promo in which he declared he didn't care what the fans think, because at the end of the match, Lillian Garcia would still be announcing him as the WWE Champ. Sadly, this was an accurate statement.
  • Bonus Footage: Matt Striker hit the ring to make fun of Kentucky for being stupid. Fish in a barrel, but whatever, the material goes over great, and once again, Striker is pitch perfect in playing his given role. He's actually never really been off-key a single time, it's just that he screwed himself backstage.... maybe he's rehabbed his demeanor, and now he's on the A-show for good, though? To make his point, Striker eventually decides to introduce Kentucky's Smartest Son: Eugene. OK: so if you didn't see that coming down broadway, Mr. Striker should give you detention....   Striker challenges Eugene to spell his own name. Eugene responds by writing "Eats Poop" under "Mr. Striker's" name on the chalk board. Ooooohhhhhh.  Then Eugene picks a booger, and while Mr. Striker is telling him not to eat it, Eugene puts the booger in Striker's mouth. Oy. So 1980s. Just do what I said, and have Striker enlist Masters as his new Special Needs Student (and give me promos in which Eugene easily outsmarts Masters at every turn), otherwise, this whole retarded segment was a big fat zero to me.
  • Video Package: Cena, Trips, Edge. Kinda funny, but I swear they went out of their way to excise Joey Style's voice when they could and put in JR's.... or am I thinking too hard?
  • John Cena won a Triple Threat Match, via pinfall, over Triple H and Edge, in about 20 minutes. Early psychology was Edge keeping to himself and letting HHH/Cena punch each other out.... that lasted for a few minutes till HHH/Cena teamed up AGAINST Edge. When that spilled outside, Cena and HHH finally decided they should break up, and Cena got the better of it, and tried to pick up Edge as his rebound bitch.... but that no-worky when Lita's around to protect her man. So Hunter got next dibs on Edge. When it looked like Edge was staging a comeback and might win, Cena finally rematerialized and broke things up, setting up the first of two (2) killer spots in the match: Edge had HHH in a sleeper, and Cena picked them BOTH up in an F-U. Edge slipped off, and seamlessly bounced off the ropes and Speared Cena (which basically meant Hunter took a Samoan Drop bump). Nice. 
    Begin Edge's domination sequence, starting against HHH, who he bloodied during an outside the ring brawl (the ringpost was involved). HHH then powdered out when Edge DDT'ed him onto the Spanish Announce Table. Not THROUGH it, mind you. Just ONTO it. The thing didn't break. But I think it was supposed to. Ouch.
    Back in the ring, Edge went to town on Cena for a bit, but Cena started his comeback around the 15 minute mark, eventually locking in the STF. HHH broke that up, after his little rest outside. Cena and Trips went at it for a few minutes, leading up to an STF for Hunter. Edge broke THAT up. Cena and Edge brawled, and eventually, Cena got in position to try an Atomic F-U (standing on the second turnbuckle while Edge was on the top rope), but Hunter broke THAT up, but lifting Cena up on his shoulders and turning it into an Electric Chair. Lita tried to get involved at this point, but only succeeded in getting spinebustered and causing a mild ref bump. Which means.....
    Sweet Lady Sledge Time. HHH went and got the sledge. Brought it into the ring. Lined up Cena. But Edge speared HHH, instead. Edge took the sledge, but after some back and forthy, Cena had Edge set up for the F-U. But HHH was back, and low-blowed Cena. Edge was sent tumbling out of the ring, and Cena bounced back right into position for the Pedigree, but he counted by double-legging HHH and rolling him up into a surprise pinning combo. One. Two. Three. And that's it. Huh.
    After the match, HHH attacked all (including the ref) with the Sledge, and we ended the show to his Alternate Music (so is "King of Kings" like his "Alma Mater" and "Time to Play the Game" is his "Fight Song"?), as HHH's bloody visage celebrated at the top of the ramp. [I dunno. Good match, with some cool spots, for sure. But if that's the finish you were looking for, we don't share world views on what makes for a Big Finish. Coming off them making the same exact miscalculation at WM22, this is actually doubly annoying. If they had somebody new, somebody interesting in mind for the de-pantsing of Cena, that'd be fine, but another go-round of Cena/HHH just doesn't really stoke my fires, especially not when fricking EDGE was probably as important a factor to the equation this past month as Cena was, and now he's apparently out of the picture..... not a bad main event, mind you. Just one that didn't leave me with that full-bellied, ultra-satisfied feel.]

Let's wrap it up for now. Tomorrow is another day and another column. I'll talk to you again then, kids....


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