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WWE RAW presents Vengeance 2006 
June 25, 2006

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com


No full-on Rick-style recap here tonight, folks....
More just a quick and dirty results post.

Cuz I'm going on two straight nights of shitty sleep, including all of three hours last night (mostly the result of -- can you imagine this at my age -- spooky dreams; not like scary, but enough to wake me up, and by the time I'd fully processed everything and filed it away so I wouldn't forget, I 

was too jazzed and awake to go back to sleep and have it mean anything; that always f'n sucks).

So on the grounds that I still want to watch "Deadwood" before I pass out (hopefully for an uninterrupted 9-10 hours), I give you this very quick rundown of tonight's WWE Vengeance PPV:  

  • Opening video package. For such an allegedly loaded card, they sure made it seem like a two-match affair here (RVD/Edge and DX/Spirit Squad).
  • Randy Orton beat Kurt Angle. Between the announcers pretending like they could identify a new Kurt Angle (who did absolutely nothing he hadn't already done before in a WWE ring) and practically apologizing for Orton applying three consecutive chinlocks in the middle of the match, I think you know everything you need to know about this one. Did it suck? Nope. But did it crackle with anything resembling drama or intensity? Also nope. The only big spots they really tried flopped: Angle's 8 straight German Suplexes had no heat on them because part of the crowd was anti-ECW and pro-Orton.... then Angle's run-up-the-ropes-superplex earned a "You fucked up," either because Angle sprinted up too soon or because Orton was unable to orient himself properly, resulting in sloppiness. Orton got the win when he leg-flipped Angle off of an ankle-lock, causing Angle to have to visibly redirect himself so he could crash into an previously-exposed turnbuckle. Then an RKO, then a three count. An adequately dumb route to victory for a notably dumb man, I guess. Then the commentary led us to believe that This Is Not Over. Ummm, dum dums: we were ready for it to be over 2 months ago after Angle "broke Orton's ankle," so don't knock yourself out writing any more chapters, OK?  Nobody cares, this didn't help Orton, it only hurts Angle, and if you can't tell that, then why the fuck are you getting paid for this job while I sit here two years into (accurately) predicting that Randy Orton is nothing but Flop Expert Lex Luger with gayer tattoos?
  • Backstage: Vince McMahon is approached by a kid in a wheelchair and thinks it's a DX plot, so he shoves the kid into a closet. Then the Coach comes in and says that a family friend of his is coming later tonight, if it's OK with Mr. McMahon. A friend who just so happens to be a kid in a wheelchair. Whoops.
  • Umaga squashed Eugene. Eugene was accompanied not just by Hacksaw Duggan, but also by Doink the Clown and Kamala. Umaga still needed only 90 seconds to beat Eugene. Then he beat the rest. Except for Kamala; when Kamala tried to get in the ring after the match, Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrada pulled Umaga out of the ring. Huhwaht? Oh, wait: because This Is Not Over, just like Orton/Angle, and we can get all excited about Umaga/Kamala on RAW tomorrow night. Check please....
  • Ric Flair beat Mick Foley in two straight falls. I don't know what they were going for, as they completely ignored the "Foley wants to have a shitty match" angle from Monday. Instead, Foley was actually trying to beat Flair here, and he just came up woefully short. In the first fall, Foley was pinned after he got rolled up following his attempt at a Figure Four. In the second fall, Foley was in the Figure Four when he grabbed a nearby trash can and hit Flair with it to get DQ'ed. So lame. I liked my idea better: at least that way, the match itself would have been amusing. But in all honesty, this didn't exist for the match, it existed for the post-match angle in which an angry Mick bloodied Flair. And not just any bloodiness, we're talking cringe-inducing. It was foul and ugly. So again: I guess This Is Not Over. What'd I spend my $40 on again?
  • Backstage: Maria interviewed Carlito, but the two were interrupted by Torrie Wilson who wanted Maria to help her apply some baby oil. Carlito tried to stand around and watch, but then his music hit, and he had to get to the ring. He was of the opinion that thas not cool. All I care about is that his running commentary *was* cool ("Yes, oh yes, upper regions, lower regions, the anterior.... um wait, I'm not supposed to know English better than Randy Orton, so I'm going to pretend like I just made that word up" and so forth).
  • Johnny Nitro won the IC Title over Shelton Benjamin and Carlito. All you need to know about this match: it was the best one of the night, and Carlito was the star. Some day, take my word on this, there will be a Carlito DVD, and this will be on it as the match that solidified his position as a credible star. No shitty heel tactics, no Jesus H, Kidneypuncher to help him, just non-stop high-flying athleticism that I just love shoving in the face of all the limp-dicked cocksuckers who wrote in over the course of the past year to tell me that "Carlito is exactly as talented as Chris Masters, and he has worse hair." Wrong on two counts, retards.
  • Backstage: for some reason, DX's Penis Enlarger Pump is back in Vince McMahon's possession, so he decides to take it into a restroom for a test run. Ugh. We already know Vince is an immature perv, but do we really need the documentable evidence that he's the kind of waste-of-genetic-material who'd actually put his penis into something inanimate, looking for kicks? Luckily (?) the pump was booby-trapped, and blew up in Vince's face before any insertion could take place. So Vince comically (?) stumbles out of the restroom with a face full of something vaguely green. Somewhere, Tajiri is crying.
  • Rob Van Dam beat Edge. Lita's featuring a new look, and I'm not talking about the hair. I'm talking about the Underboob (Sideboob is for indiscriminating eunuchs!). Edge is featuring a killer promo about how North Carolina has no legitimate claim to a hockey franchise, much less to the Stanley Cup. I want to have a beer with that man. Anybody who wants to keep hockey in Canada is a friend of mine. Now all we need is the character who insists that it's time for Americans to leave soccer to the Mighty International Powerhouse that is Ghana, and I'd be in hog heaven. Match is certainly hard-hitting and action-packed, but I think it was hurt by going on after the spotfest that was the IC Title Three-way. Edge and RVD brushed up against that level of creativity and intensity, but never quite matched it, I didn't think. Such is life when you put a solid main-event-caliber match on mid-card, I guess. Finish did heat up pretty good, as Lita tried helping Edge to get a bunch of near-falls, but they all backfired. Eventually, Lita inadvertently caused Edge to eat a chair, and RVD hit a Frog Splash for the win. Second best match of the night, but there was something vaguely souring about JR's post-match taunting of "Not very many so-called experts saw this outcome happening." Yeah, Jim, you got us: now, make it mean something, OK?
  • Fake Kane beat Real Kane. The less said, the better. I mean, we're talking "Boring" chants and JR speaking in code to the fans about the ugliness of the match. Again, This Is Not Over, not matter how much we wished it was.
  • John Cena beat Sabu. A total brainfart on every single level. Sabu's been the one ECW-flavored star with any credibility or cache so far, so they job him out to Cena in what could charitably be described as "A typical Cena superman comeback." That is to say: annoying and implausible. No twists, no turns, no storyline. Just a few highspots for Sabu, then Cena makes his comeback, destorys the entirety of the ECW roster (again, just like I jested in the PPV Preview, please note that Angle, RVD, and Big Show were NOT present, as no WWE SUPERstars are to be harmed in the making of this crapfest), starting thanks to an assist from (ugh, of all people) Viscera. Making it even worse: after half-bungling an F-U through a table in a way that made Sabu look already-dead, they still went to a finish in which Sabu tapped out. Tapped out. Fucking TNA, retards that they are, can get it in their head to "protect" Scott Steiner for the future by having a shitty finishing sequence to his match with Samoa Joe cuz they dont' want to have him tap out, but WWE (which really should want to protect Sabu for the sake of ECW) can't do the same for Sabu? Put me down for at least a few "Internet Jackoff" points here after this match, cuz it was not only disappointing, but the finish pissed me off in a way that I should be too smart to be pissed off by.
  • Backstage: Cena was walking and came across Rob Van Dam. After some dialogue that defies all logic and character-building and common sense, RVD basically says "Hey, John, if you want your Spinner Belt back, I'll challenge you to a match tomorrow night on RAW." The smark in me wants to joke that whatever Writer Monkeys thought they "surprised" us by having RVD retain will un-do their own work (times two) by having Cena win the belt tomorrow. The optimist in me says that the only POSSIBLE outcome tomorrow night is Edge interfering (again) to help RVD win, leaving RAW with an Edge/Cena feud, and leaving ECW with a champion who has at least an ounce of credibility. Let's see which side wins out.....
  • DX beat the Spirit Squad. So I'm expecting a hyper-actively booked Sports Entertainment Segment, and instead, they give us about 15 minutes of just these 7 guys having a glorified tag match. Dare I call it underwhelming? Yes, I dare. After a fast-start (in which Johnny got his nose bloodied, but earned Spirit Points by still pulling his share of the load), they settled into basic tag match formula for a bit, then hot tag, chaos breaks loose, and it all leads up to a spot in which the Squad is trying for a trampampoline-assisted move on the outside, but instead, Michaels ducks, and Mikey takes out three other guys. That leaves Kenny alone in the ring with HHH. And then HBK gets in the ring, too, making this a handicap match in favor of DX for the first time. Kenny does a nice job playing chickenshit, but eventually eats a Pedigree. One other Squad Member tries to make the save, but gets a Superkick. Double covers, and three seconds later, DX are your winners. The rest of the Squad attacked, Dumb Ninja Style, after the match, and also enjoyed a combination of superkicks and Pedigrees for their troubles. Then as DX was celebrating, Vince McMahon came out onto the stage and was oddly smiling, as he mouthed the words "See you tomorrow night." So (sing along with the Rick, now) This Is Not Over. Funny, maybe it's just me, but I would have enjoyed some sense of Closure and Significance in at least one of these major storylines..... and I didn't get it. Not even once.

My memory permitting, I'll try to have more detailed thoughts (I had plenty of funny one-liners and whatnot occur to me as I watched the show) in OO tomorrow. I wish I could do better for you folks here tonight, but for a guy who usually makes it to 2am, easy, on a weeknight, I'm brushing up against Empty. And before I go to bed, I'd like to watch something that doesn't leave me mostly annoyed and disappointed....
Afterall, I heard Wu is back tonight. That should kick some ass. I hope. See you tomorrow, kids....


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