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OO PPV RECAP
WWE SmackDown! presents
The Great American Bash 
July 23, 2006

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Nope, I didn't watch it.
  
Yep, my planned replacement didn't either, and I only found out about it at roughly 10:30 pm (not his fault, he tried to warn me earlier, but when you do what I do on weekends, sometimes Sunday afternoon is spent rehydrating and relaxing and not in front of a fricking PC).

And yet: we have a new World Champion, and you Fine Loyal

Readers are owed the juicy details of tonight's just-completed Great American Bash PPV.

So with the caveat that this is cobbled together (mostly from instant e-mail feedback, which I much appreciate, and partly from the deluded, pointless ramblings of various cocksuckers in the OO Chat Room) -- but with the promise that At Least It's Not As Gay As Keller's (go ahead, click that link, I dare you! and if you can read that whole document and keep a straight face throughout, I simply HAVE to hear from you!) -- here's a VERY quick and to-the-point run-down of the Bash:

  • Paul London and Spanky Kendrick beat the Kid Kash and Jamie Noble to retain the Tag Team Titles. Said to be about 15 minutes long, and probably the best match of the night from a technical aspect (but reading between the lines, I'm guessing the main event was the Match of the Night from an entertainment aspect).
     
  • Fit Finlay beat William Regal to regain the US Title. Before the match, GM Teddy Long announced Bobby Lashley's removal from the match, and Finlay and Regal were unwilling opponents (Regal just wanted to forfeit to his fellow Royal Subject). When forced to do battle, Finlay came out on top thanks to his midget and his Irish Nightstick. Around 10-ish minutes and OK, but not nearly great, mostly because of an unappreciative crowd (or so I was led to believe in the chatroom).
     
  • Gregory Helms beat Matt Hardy to retain the Cruiserweight Title. Hardy was the unexpected/surprise opponent for Helms, and got pinned cleanly here. Said to be OK, but "felt more like the start of something than the end of it." That might be right, since lord knows Hardy's got nothing else brewing now. From ending Kennedy's winning streak to jobbing to fricking Shane Helms in 10 simple days. Irrelevance, they name is Matthew Hardy.
     
  • Backstage: Khali and Daivari did something to distract the Undertaker and Big Show attacked from behind. As a result, GM Teddy Long declared that Daivari and Khali are banned from the building, and the Punjab Prison Match will now be Big Show vs. Undertaker. Hokay....
     
  • Undertaker beat Big Show in the Punjab Prison Match. Lots of praise for the look of the "Punjab Prison" structure (which was basically Hell in the Cell, but made of bamboo and barbed wire. Absolutely zero praise for the match, which sounds like (if this is possible) it was even worse that then Tuesday night ECW match they two had. Winning was by escape only, and even with very brief interference by Khali/Daivari, Taker was able to win with the trusty "crash through the cage to escape" spot that tends to get busted out every couple of years or so. All signs point to Suck here, kids.
     
  • Ashley won the Four Way Bra and Panties Match. Next. It's absolutely a travesty that Michelle McCool didn't win. What's the point of having a librarian/teacher gimmick if she's not going to be slightly prudish and always-clothed for the better part of a year before finally being stripped down? Again: I point to the example of RTC Ivory, and wonder what the writer monkeys are smoking. This is so minor, granted, but it's also so fucking simple.
     
  • Ken Kennedy beat Batista, via Disqualification. Surprisingly competitive for about 8 minutes, but when Batista began his babyface comeback, he turned the dial up to 11. And the ref? No likey 11. Batista kept tempting fate, and eventually, when he refused to break the ref's count, he got DQ'ed. So he took his aggressions out by destroyed Kennedy after the match. FYI: The "#1 Contender" stip was apparently swept under the rug. Or at least: nobody mentioned it to me in e-mail.
     
  • Booker T beat Rey Mysterio to win the World Heavyweight Title. Fifteen minutes of exactly the goodness you'd expect from these two, and then Chavo Guerrero made a run-in. Ostensibly to help Rey. But (accidentally? YOU make the call) he wound up whapping Rey with a chairshot, allowing Booker to win the match, and the title. Sounded like the Match of the Night, by most sensible accounts. And thus: Booker goes on to SummerSlam and Batista, and I guess Rey gets shunted off into a feud with Chavo. Ai-ight.
     

That is all for now, kids. See you tomorrow in OO with any additional pertinent thoughts/analysis/etc., as I get more feedback (and possibly look for an illegal torrent so I can skim through that even faster than I do SD!-on-DVR). Later on....

E-MAIL RICK
BROWSE THE PPV RECAP ARCHIVES


  
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