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WWE RAW presents
New Year's Revolution 2007 
January 8, 2007

by Nathan Kyght and Jamie O'Halloran
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Am I imagining it? Or am I about to plunk down $40 on a Pay Per View headlined but one half of Three Minute Warning?


Anyway, enough of that. It’s been a solid afternoon of watching Veronica Mars, drinking Margaritas, and checking football scores. If the Eagles don’t pull it out, I’m pretty sure that people are going to come and break my legs. But alas, who cares? Not you, that’s who.

So I take my usual stance of trying to brighten your day, by offering the following:

Albums to check out:

Dirty Pretty Things - “From Waterloo To Anywhere”
The Fratellis - “Costello Music”
Albert Hammond JR - “Yours To Keep”


And that’s about all I got. Maybe it’s the knowledge that in three hours time, I’m going to be cursing myself for buying this “Event”, but I’m in no mood for any more pleasantries.

To wit:

Show opens by going straight to the arena, as we see the cage being lowered.

Cut to Overblown Video Hype.

Welcome to the first Pay Per View of 2007! Welcome to New years Revolution!

JR and The King give us our welcome, and we’re off and rocking with

Jeff Hardy vs. Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina) inside the STEEL CAGE!

Match starts with some back and forth punchy kicky, that neither Man gets the upper hand of. We kick into overdrive, with a dropkick on Nitro for a 2. This quickly turns into more punchy kicky, and then Nitro hits a powerbomb-looking thing for another 2. Bit of jockeying for position, and then Hardy hits a running neckbreaker. Hardy heads for the cage but Nitro dropkicks him and follows up with a Diamond Cutter of sorts over the top rope. This is aces thus far. They both try t climb out, but it ends with Hardy dropkicking Nitro into the cage, and they both fall. Hardy now runs Nitro into the cage, and then tries to escape, but Nitro powerbombs him off the top. Now they head up again, battle at the top of the cage, and the sequence ends with Nitro getting his legs stuck. Melina tries to whip Hardy with her belt, distracting him long enough to allow Nitro to hit a top rope dropkick. Nitro tries a top rope bodyblock, but Hardy slams him down. They head up the cage again. Hardy tries the Twist of Fate, but gets tossed into the ring. Nitro heads over the cage, but Hardy kicks the door open and Nitro crotches himself. Awesome spot. Hardy then takes a stroll out the door. End game.

Your Winner, and STILL IC Champion, Jeff Hardy, in about 15 minutes.

That was fairly excellent. Jeff Hardy kept the gay turned down, and Nitro is becoming my favourite Tough Enough loser since……er…….that Dude……..remember him?


The Grish is with Rated RKO. Standard crap, except for a good Zinger when Edge says “The DX reunion has been fun, and it’s sold a lot of T-Shirts, but it ends tonight”.

Lillian Garcia is on the Mic, and announces we’re going to get a Very Special BONUS MATCH! I love how 6 matches for $40 seemed reasonable, and this 7th match is such a favour.

Tag Team Turmoil for a “Future Tag Title Shot”

WTF?! They can’t give me a date for the Title Shot? Raw? The Rumble? How hard would it have been to give a date? And why did this seem like a good idea to the Wrestlers (If you’re looking at this in an Internet Wanker Reality way):

“Hey Guys? I know you have the night off, but you’re going to have to suit up. You’re going to be in a Tag Team Turmoil Match for a Title Shot!”

“Really? AWESOME! When is the Title Shot? Tomorrow on RAW? The Rumble? WRESTLEMANIA?!?!!?”

“Nope. It’s going to be…….. IN THE FUTURE!”


Hass/Benjamin vs. The Highlanders

Standard grapply opening, and the crowd doesn’t seem to care. The Highlanders hit a double suplex on Haas, but Haas quickly rebounds with a clothesline. Shelton tags in, and they hit a double team leapfrog move. All Benjamin for a bit, pretty dull. End comes when Shelton gouges Highlander eyes, and hits the superplex.

Haas/Benjamin vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan/Super Crazy

Oh, well GOOD LUCK to The World’s Greatest Tag Team! Duggan and Super Crazy have been UNSTOPPABLE for months now!

Fucking horrible match. Shelton pins Crazy with a German Suplex. Dreadful.

Haas/Benjamin vs. Cade/Murdoch

Brawl opening, leading into a double team from Cade and Murdoch to get the advantage. Shelton gets beat down for a bit, but hits a neckbreaker and tags in Haas. Haas hits a top rope dropkick onto Murdoch, and then all four men fight. Cade hits an elbow off the top during the “melee”, and pins Haas.

Cade/Murdoch vs. Cryme Tyme

Back and forth brawling leads us to Murdoch getting the advantage with the old tag rope choke. Dastardly! Bunch more crappy punchy-kicky, until Cryme Tyme hit their finisher for the Duke.

Your Winners, Cryme Tyme, in about 20 Minutes


Mr. McMahon chats with The Coach. This somehow (and I swear this happened), ended with Vince booking Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’ Donnell for RAW. The Ron Simmons says “Damn”. For Fucks Sakes.

Kenny Dykstra vs. Ric Flair

Kenny comes out wearing a Flair-esque robe. They start with a bit of feeling out, that is done to show how cocky and disrespectful Kenny is. Chopping back and forth, and Kenny hits a suplex outside of the ring on Flair. Back inside and Flair is the victim of the BOSTON CRAB! Flair bites his way out, and we’re back to punchy-kicky. Flair heads up top, but Kenny tosses him. Kenny then lands a dropkick from the top. Flair gouges the eye, and we’re back to stalemate. But wait! Flair drags Kenny into the Figure Four, but Kenny gets to the ropes. Release, low blow to Flair, Kenny pin.

Your Winner, Kenny Dykstra, in about 10 minutes

Not that bad. Pretty much the same as the last two matches though.


Nitro is packed in ice. He tells Melina to call Joey, so MNM can take care of the Hardys. Somewhere, Joey Mercury celebrates by bleeding from the nose and getting dizzy. Probably.

Up next:

Mickie James vs. Victoria for the Women’s Title

Standard Womens match. Opens with some back and forth that leads into Victoria getting the advantage with a shoulderblock. Mickie gets tossed outside and slammed onto the rail. Back inside, Mickie gets a rollup for a 2. Victoria regains the advantage by choking Mickie on the ropes, then more punchy kicky. Melina runs out for some reason, but Mickie takes her out. More Divas run out and chase Melina off. Mickie hits a DDT for the pin.

Your Winner, Mickie James, in about 6 minutes

It was alright.

Rated RKO vs. DX for the Tag Titles

Normal pre match mic work by The X, and we’re off. Awesome opening, with brawling all over the place that the crowd is going nuts for. Edge takes a suplex on the floor, and a backdrop onto the ramp from HHH. Order is restored, and it’s Shawn and Edge. They do the usual back and forth brawling, with DX taking the advantage all the way. Orton gets bloodied legit by something, probably a Trips forearm. Edge is in the ring now, and regains the advantage by beating on Trips’ leg. Awesome brawling again, that has its highlight when Edge spears Michaels off of the apron. Michaels comes out busted WIDE open. Orton and Edge take turns beating on Michaels. Really bloody. RKO attempt, but Michaels slides away, and tags Trips. Trips in, but. Huh. Seems to have gimped his knee. Anyway, He spinebusters Edge. Wait. Something is REALLY wrong. The wrestlers don’t seem to have a clue what to do, and Trips is hurting. RKO attempt on Trips, but he can’t stand properly. Uh-oh. Edge takes a terrible looking pedigree, and then?

Well, this deserves a new paragraph. Orton runs in with a chair, and………. And?! Nothing! This is the funniest thing I have ever seen. I don’t know what in the blue fuck that was supposed to be. Go and find tape of this moment, and rest assured that somewhere, Rick is feeling validated for all his hatred of this clown.

Shawn now punches out the ref completely out of left field, and it’s over. Probably to save trips any more agony. Orton takes a chair shot, and comes up with one of the sickest blade jobs ever. Like, on a par with Eddie Guerrero and Judgment Day. He is SPRAYING blood. Trips tries to put Edge through a table, but the pedigree fails to break it. Michaels off the top with an elbow to put Orton through the announce table.

Your Winner, Rated RKO By DQ, In about 20 minutes

That was friggin awesome. A total train wreck, but great. And kidding aside, it looks like Triple H may have messed his leg up to no end. And regardless of how you feel about him, that sucks. Best Wishes and fingers crossed.


The Grish is with Cena. Cena cuts some extremely Rock-like promo, that basically says he’s gonna win tonight. Novel!


There are POOLS of Orton’s blood at ringside. Nasty.

Carlito (w/Torrie Wilson) vs. Chris Masters

Open with punchy kicky, that leads to Carlito hitting his cool moonsault off the ropes for a 2. They tell a story for a bit based on Masters’ attempts at the Masterlock, and Carlito’s countering of said move. Not great thus far. Masters hits a suplex and some punchy. Carlito tries to counter with some flippy shit, but it backfires for a bit. Carlito with a handspring elbow, but it gets segued into a Masterlock, that leads to masters sort of holding Carlito down, grabbing the tights, and getting the pin? Yep.

Your Winner, Chris Masters, in about 5 minutes


Quick Cena-Umaga recap, and it’s on.

John Cena vs. UMAGA (W/ Armando, Alejandro, Estrrrrrrrrada)

Match starts out with some stalling, and then the beatdown commences. Cena can’t get in any offense, and gets tossed outside, before being clotheslined back in the ring. They tell the story that Cena can’t get any offense going, because Umaga is so dominant. Umaga lands a Samoan drop (He probably just calls it a “drop”), and then generally gets slapped around. Match keeps on like this, with Cena trying to SuperHero back, only to get stopped violently. Umaga headbutts Cena for a while, then goes for a neck pinch. Cena eventually rallies out, but gets beaten down again. Cena has had about 3 offensive moves thus far. Out of nowhere, Cena manages wacky powerbomb, and goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Attempt at FU, but Cena is too injured, so instead gets a belly to belly suplex for his troubles. Cena in the corner takes a headbutt, and then Umaga goes for the running Mick Foley hip slam. Cena moves, schoolboys him, and we’re done.

Your Winner, and STILL WWE Champ, John Cena, in about 18 minutes.

Weird. It was actually kinda great, but in an unusual way. Total throwback to 1980’s WWF matches (Think Earthquake-Hulk Hogan), in that there were no crazy spots, but it was somehow satisfying. Rematch at The Rumble I’d say.

Overall Thoughts:

Well, that’s that! It was a surprisingly decent show, with a couple of great matches. It at least made me curious to see Raw, so that’s something. And Orton with that chair incident. Funniest. Spot. Ever.

We won’t be here for the Rumble, as I’ll be drunk in Cuba, but you can count on us for No Way Out. Rick made me post a $5000 “No Flake Out On Recap” bonds, and I may need it to pay off gambling debts.

Rock N’ Roll, Kids.


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