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Sage in the Cage
December 11, 2001

by Christopher Robin Zimmerman


Can I just say something here? After the 9.8.99 RAW, there was a percentage of us - something like a HUNDRED percent - that were ready to see Chris Jericho with the WWF Championship on, say, 10.8.99...so you'll have to forgive me if I don't jump on board that "worst outcome possible" bandwagon and actually manage to root for Jericho for 2.3 years after the rest of the world apparently gave up on him. I mean, GEEZ - this is EXACTLY what we wanted! JERICHO! HEEL! CHAMPION! YOU! SHUT UP!


TONIGHT: Not only do they not give us a hint of what matches we might have tonight, they DON'T even tell us who won the main event last night! Like the ratings will be better if they manage to keep it a *surprise* to the teeny tiny percentage that don't already know....wait, who won again? Well, hell, we'll find out in thirteen minutes!!

TNG: "Pen Pals" - wanna see Nikki Cox as jailbait with a lot of ALIEN makeup? Man, this is the episode for you! Otherwise, it pretty much blows...except for the scene where they all GRAPPLE with HEAVY ISSUES which is pretty cool (and I *think* the only time they had a "meeting" in the captain's rumpus room, complete with snax)

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 12.85 (+ .56, last year: 15 3/4, two years ago: 16 1/2)

TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Opening Credits

PYRO and No time to waste! Coming atcha LIVE from the Pond in Anaheim, CA 10.12.1 on the National Network (and the Sports Network), this is the WWF - and in the WWF, RAW is.......no, that's it. Sorry! This show is transmitido en espanol SAP and of course there's some folks in WWF New York, and

THE MAN kicks it off, walking that aisle with two belts in hand, and maybe they'll FINALLY reveal who won last night? "Last night, San Diego, California, at Ven gea nce, I promised the world that I would present the Undisputed WWF Championship belt tonight to the winner. So without further ado, let me introduce to you, MR. CHRIS JERICHO." The crowd boos through the countdown, boos at the pyro, boos at the mere SIGHT of Jericho, boos during his concerted walk down the aisle, boos when he poses on the apron before entering the ring...man, I don't know about you, but I smell MONEY! Jericho TAKES THE STICK from Flair - to boos. He stops short of speaking to stoke a "You suck" chant. "THANK YOU - thank you so very, very much! On such an historic evening like tonight, I don't know where to begin; I mean, I have so many people to thank, I had to make a list so I wouldn't forget anybody...I don't wanna forget anybody's names." "Rock E!" This looks shorter than his list of holds. "Like I said, thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart, FIRST OF ALL, nobody thought I had a chance to become the Undisputed champion. NOBODY thought I had a chance in hell of walking out of San Diego victorious, except for one person! And that person always had the faith in me - that person always believed in me - and that person knew that against all odds, I would come out on top, and that person is...myself! So I would like to thank myself for being so strong, so athletic, and so talented to be able to prove all of the doubters and all of the people who didn't think I could do it wrong. (glares at Flair) And then, I'd like to thank the two competitors who gave an A1, first class effort last night. I'm talking, of course, about my opponents, Therock, and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Let's face it, I mean let's face it, let's think about it - The Rock, Stone Cold, two of the biggest icons in the history of this business. THE two biggest stars in the World Wrestling Federation today! And for me, to be able to beat the both of them back to back in one night, singlehandedly within the course of 45 minutes...well that was quite an honour. But don't feel bad, guys - raise your chins up. Buck up, little troopers! You gave it your best shot, but you were just beaten by the better man last night. And then I'd like to thank all of you - the little people. All of the little people here, all of the little people at home, because if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be standing here right now. If it wasn't for me realising that entertaining you meant nothing....if it wasn't for me reaslising that your opinions aren't worth a damn...that my career wouldn't be the skyrocketing Super Nova that it is today. And then, I'd like to thank one of the owners of this company - a man with true class, true style, and true dignity...I'd like to thank Vince McMahon. Because, Vince, you gave me the opportunity. You even came down to ringside to make sure that there was no outside interference from anybody! You evened the odds to make sure that the better man won and for that, I THANK YOU, VINCE! And last but not least, I'd like to thank YOU, Ric Flair. I'd like to thank you because you're a man of your word; you said you were gonna come out here and present me with my championships last night and here you are. And I know the reason why you wanted to do it. All throughout your career, your illustrious career, when you were winning title after title after title fourteentimeswoo! You always wanted to be near a larger than life, superDUPERstar like Chris Jericho....you always wanted to be in the ring with a TRUE living legend, and tonight, your dreams are comin' true, baby! So now, Ric Flair, the Nature Boy, I bestow upon you the honour of presenting me with my TWO Championship titles, which signify ME to be the first, the only, and the TRUE Un-disputed CHAMPION." Jericho holds out his arms - and Flair drapes one on each shoulder. "Rock E!" "Hey Champ! Hey Champ! How does that feel? D'you feel like the World Champion? D'ya feel like the best there is? GOOD! Because tonight, you're gonna defend the title! Right here...in a fifteen foot steel cage - woooo!" We look up - by golly, there it is! "How does that feel? Now you wanna know what the real punchline is? It'll be against STONE COLD WOOOO! STEVE AUSTIN! WOOOO! Try that on for size, champ! Woooo! Woooo!" Jericho looks up - and gets mopey.

The Boot of the Week is brought to you by - wait for it - Lugz! From last night's pay-per-view, Undertaker chokeslams Rob van Dam off the stage - and takes the hardcore title

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: AWESOMETAKER (on his beautiful Bourget Python bike - with headlight on - and RAW is brought to you by Slim Jim, Xbox, and Snickers Cruncher!) v. SPIKE DUDLEY - Taker has the belt strapped to his handlebars - pretty cool. I expect this match to be a showcase. Spike decides he'd better fill the ring - sign - garbage can - sign - garbage can - kendo stick - STOP sign - each time, Taker swats them away or catches them. I think he's starting to get annoyed. Spike with two lids. Taker shakes his head. Spike gets on the bike and makes "vroom vroom" motions - THIS gets the Dead Man's attention. As he leaves, Spike goes in - here we go! Spike with a pescado - ohhh THERE'S NO FAIR CATCH IN THE XFL but Taker has him - and that's Dudley's spine meeting the ringpost. "Don't you know better than to touch another man's motorcycle?" Into the ring. Soupbone! Scoop...and into the turnbuckle, into the Tree of Woe. Running kick. Taker chases away referee "Blind" Jack Doan. Whoa, Ross called it the Tree of Woe! Is Kevin Sullivan on his way? Is his father whispering in Taker's ear? (Probably not.) Taker doesn't notice Spike has the stick - stick up between the legs in the crotch! Spike frees himself - stick to the knee! Overhead - no, Taker catches it, and muscles Spike to the mat by his own grip. Taker throws the stick down - Spike comes back with the lids...until Taker boots a lid into Spike's face. "What the hell is this?" WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK. I think that hurt Spike more than the lid. Taker moves to the can proper. Last Ride coming up - Spike is dead weight, so instead, Taker puts him on his back and rubs his forearm into Spike's nose. NOW we get that Last Ride onto the garbage can. Is he done? 1, 2, 3! Yep. (2:37) Taker tells a fan to meet him in the back. I think. Here's a replay of the powerbomb. Wait, Taker ISN'T done? Got him by the neck - choke - CHOKESLAM over the top to the floor!! BONG KEEP ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' A second angle on the powerbomb - and another look at the chokeslam. Is it just me, or did Taker leave his belt behind before he drove away?

Vince McMahon is just NOW arriving, flanked on all sides by security, barking dogs...and Booker T! Ric Flair catches up to him and meets with some resistance until Vince calls them off. "Let him through - oh wait a minute, it's my partner, geez, uh, Ric - how's your head? How's your jaw, and before you answer that - I got it, Book, I got it - before you answer, allow me to apologise for getting a little carried away at Ven gea nce with you." "Don't worry about my jaw or my head - what's he doing here?" "Well, this is BOOKER T!" "I know the name." "And Booker T is here as my guest tonight, and, quite frankly, Book and I, we're just gonna - we're gonna hang...up in my [oh man, say "crib" Vince, come on] personal suite and watch you run the show, okay?" "Really?" "Yeah." "Well guess what we got lined up for ya." "What?" "You're excited - world championship match - Jericho - in the steel cage! - against Stone Cold Steve Austin! How 'bout that?" "That's not what I had planned for Austin, and you damn well know it." "Problem?" "Yeah. Well, you can't change my plans with the Rock, pal, even you know that. You see, since the Rock and Trish were such a great tag team combination - they defeated Kurt Angle and myself - in my book, that makes them #1 Contenders, and that's why tonight, Rock and Trish will square off against the Dudley Boyz. Heh heh heh... whaddaya say, Ric?" "Sounds good." "Yeah, it does, doesn't it?" "Now let's talk about you and me - remember that apology? A little while ago? Don't worry about apologising to me, because very shortly I'll be apologising to you." Vince regroups his security and they take off for the suite.

Oh no! Kane is so distraught over not winning the tag team titles that he's back on the Beefaroni!

Vince and Booker enter their luxury suite - Vince displays the doins - and the server. "What's your name, girl?" "Felicity." "What do they call you for short?" "Felicity!" Vince opens the window to show off the "little people." From outside, we take a look high up...then back to the stage, where

KURT ANGLE v. RIKASHMONEY - Kurt has new music! It's a lot like his old music, which is to say the Patriot's music. Kurt points up to Vince - and waves! Oh, he's got the mic as well. "Despite the travesty, the fluke that took place last night of Your Olympic Hero ["What?"] becoming the Undisputed champion, or should I say NOT becoming the Undisputed champion ["What?"] - shut up. ["What?"] People, I have requested this match here tonight for one reason and one reason only. ["What?"] For that man, Mr. Vince McMahon. What that man went through last week on SmackDown! is a horror that should never be talked about or seen ever again. ["What?"] Let me show you what I mean, roll the footage." Ha! Okay, Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! "Mr. McMahon is a man of CLASS - he does not deserve THIS - to have his face nearly engulfed, nearly swallowed by this stench-filled ANUS [he's been on Delphi?] - that's disgusting! Take a look at it here in slow-motion! I'm sorry...that is gross. I mean, think about it, the stench, the terrible, terrible stench - Mr. McMahon - I know, Vince, if I were you, I'd be upset too. ["What?"] But don't you worry, because tonight, after I beat Rikishi ["What?"] I'm dedicating this match to you. Oh it's true." Rikishi block, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Angle. Angle ducks a punch - GERMAN SUPLEX!! Woow! Head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, Rikishi shoves him away - RIKISHI right, right, right, Angle rakes the face - off the ropes, Samoan Drop by Rikishi! Angle manages an elbow. Right, right, right, right, right, right, off the ropes...sunset flip attempt - SQUAAAAAAASH. Rikishi winds up - big butt avalanche in the corner! Angle flumps down - Rikishi takes a look - raises the roof....but Angle slides out of the ring just in the nick of time! Referee "Blind" Brian Webber starts a count - is it just me or is Angle not coming back? WOW! (COR 2:01) That's some good heelin' there. Rikishi - Rikishi has a hat! RIKISHI IS DANCING WITH HIS HAT ON! OH MAN Angle's back in to punk out Rikishi from behind while he's distracted and the lights are down AWESOME - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right! Into the opposite corner ... is reversed - Rikishi clothesline - Angle flumps - Rikishi backs it up - Lawler makes fart noises. AND HIS HAT STAYS ON!! HIT HIS MUSIC AGAIN, it's time to dance! Angle is BACK UP with a chair - WHACK in the back! Whack, whack, whack! Point of the chair in the back - SIX times! WHACK! Crowd chants "Rock E" but not tonight, buddy. Play Angle's music! McMahon and Book applaud. Man, this segment ruled it for about eleven different reasons.

This just in: it was recently discovered that papers authored by Dr. L. L. Zamenhof very late in his life, long thought lost, recently had surfaced - and in one, there was an explanation that yes, there indeed WAS a single Esperanto word invented to describe the "absence of any semblance of life" - and that word...I don't have to tell you....turns out to be "GUNDAM"

WWF Shop Zone Dot Com ad - no Steve Blackman merchandise available.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - or, perhaps, three paragraphs ago

In the dressing room, after we pan up Stacy Keibler's legs, we all notice that Bubba Ray Dudley appears nervous. D-Von asks him why he's nervous. "What am I so nervous about? What's wrong with me. You know something? After being partners for six years, you think you'd know by now what's wrong with me. You think that you'd know when I'm nervous. Tonight, the Dudley Boyz face their toughest battle to date. Just last night, we were able to overcome all odds and beat the Big Show and Kane and escape with our titles. We show up to the arena tonight, and what does Vince do? He puts us in a match with an undefeated tag team. D-Von, we are the greatest tag team in history, and tonight, that can all come to an end, and we can lose our WWF titles. And do you know to who? The Rock...(breaks up laughing) and Trish Stratus." "Oh, man, I mean...Bubba, there's no way we can beat these two." "I know!" "I mean...there isn't any way!" "Now you know why I'm nervous!" "I mean, you know what? I think maybe we should take these titles, go over to their, their locker room, and before we just, like, embarrass ourselves any more, just...just give it to 'em." "Hand 'em right over." "Just, just, yeah, hand 'em." "I don't know how we're gonna do this. But I'll tell you what...you take care of the Rock, and I know exactly what to do with Trish Stratus." Stacy: "Me too." "Oh ho ho, testify." I dunno, if *I* were D-Von, I'd have said "the hell you talking about? ME take care of the Rock and YOU take care of Trish? FUK DAT!"

Meanwhile, Lance Storm pays Ric Flair a visit - just as well, since Flair appears to be watching a monitor that isn't on - he's tired of mopping floors and cleaning toilets - he's a former intercontinental champion, he's wasted as a busboy! So he bought a ticket tonight and snuck back to get an audience with the co-owner - he'd like a job. Flair says....no. Go away.

Meanwhile (3), JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Edge, who he said last night totally reeked of awesomeness. "Thanks, Coach, but I can't take anything away from Regal - he's tough, and he brought it last night...he almost escaped with my intercontinental championship, but you know what? He didn't? And I have a message for Mr. William Regal: (as Mike Myers, as "Simon") 'You don't have one o' these t'hold up ye' trouzahz, do ya? Have you kissed any booms lately? You boom kisser, you cheeky moonky." Before Edge can finish his puckering away, Regal comes in with his brass knux and knocks him out. "Not so bloody funny now, are ya?"

Hey look - the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim has a beautiful exterior!

WILL SASSO is in the front row! They had a spare Kaientai shirt in his size, as well!

Ric Flair goes to leave his office - and finds Lance Storm outside his door. He's not sure Flair realised he was serious. "I would make an EXCEPTIONAL addition to your roster. Woo." Flair says the answer is still no - woooo!

KISS ASSMAN (with Royal Rumble onsale information) v. KANE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO TONIGHT - Regal undergoes a protracted patdown from referee "Blind" Teddy Long...no international objects are found. Regal borrows the mic from ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA. "Are you quite finished? What you just saw me do to Edge was just the bloody beginning! You're looking at a new William Regal, someone who will be dishing out punishment the likes of which you have never ever seen before! ["What?"] And if you don't believe me, then just wait--" The Kane pyro cuts him off. Garcia decides to just take off rather than intro him. Regal tries to sneak in after the requisite flashpottery but Kane catches him with a right. Right, right, into the opposite corner, clothesline. Back to the first corner, back body drop out. Kane picks him up - right - head to the buckle - back elbow - uppercut - kick. Right. Kane chases off Long - Regal comes back with a kick, left, left, left, off the ropes but falls into a sidewalk slam. Kane covers - 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle by Kane. Irish whip into the opposite corner, head down, kick by Regal - but Regal runs into a clothesline. Regal goes outside...and Kane decides to go after him - no, he climbs to the top - leaping but MISSING and there's a crash and burn on the floor. Regal finds a pair of brass knuckles under the timekeeper's table (man, those things are EVERYWHERE) and puts 'em on. Long, of course, is busy checking on Kane and not watching. Kane manages a big boot before Regal can swing. Regal put back in - Kane up top again - THIS time, the top-rope clothesline lands. Regal STILL has 'em on - Kane making the international symbol of the chokeslam - Regal in the choke - but Regal pops Kane in the gut with a loaded left - then in the head - 1, 2, 3. (2:25) Vince and Booker toast with coffee - and drink with their pinkies stuck out.

UP NEXT: The Rock & Trish Stratus vs. the Dudley Boyz - and the titles are on the line!

"Best of the WWF 2001" is New Year's Eve! Clips of Austin/Triple H from No Way Out probably mean this match will be a part of it

What's better than a Gundam ad during the break? TWO Gundam ads during the break

Catch the WWF live! Tomorrow, it's (ugh) Bakersfield! RAW is Lafayette next week, and the next night it's New Orleans!

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: DUDLEY BOYZ (with Stacy Dudley - and RAW credits, Transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC) v. TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL and THE ROCK - Trish wisely lets Rock get in the ring and start for their team. Vince and Book smile and wave from their perch. Check out the dude standing outside holding up the big ol' LIGHT! Also, check out the dude frantically trying to get him to put the light out of the picture. Okay, HERE we go: D-Von stands on the opposite side of the Rock - kick by Rock, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow. D-Von comes back with a knee and a right. Right hand, into the ropes is reversed, Rock with a back body drop. Running clothesline puts him outside - Rock with a free shot for Bubba Ray as well. Rock outside after D-Von - walked to the commentaray table - head to the table - again, again, again - Bubba Ray over - Rock blocks, right, right, and throws him over the table into Lawler's lap! D-Von gets shoved over to the floor as well. Rock in - and back out. Bubba Ray's head meets the table. Bubba Ray rolled back in. Psst, he's not the legal man - Rock with a right, into the ropes is reversed, Bubba Ray hits the back elbow - off the ropes with an elbowdrop for 2. I guess he's legal now. Into the ropes is reversed, Rock with a semi-Samoan Drop for 2. Knee by Bubba Ray, head to the buckle, tag to D-Von, right. D-Von with four rights while Bubba Ray holds him. Right hand. Into the ropes, but Rock hits a clothesline. Right by Rock. Into the ropes is reversed, and Bubba Ray makes a blind tag - Rock up and over but into a clothesline by Bubba Ray. Rock slowly brought up for the slow neckbreaker. Tag to D-Von. Choke on the second rope by D-Von. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda pulls him off. Right by D-Von - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, stomp. Chioda pulls him off - so Bubba Ray slides in with a slap to the chest. Then he directs Stacy into a choke. D-Von back in control - right hand. Tag to Bubba - double into the ropes, double flapjack - Rock lands on his right knee and starts clutching it. Bubba Ray with an elbow to the head. Final Fantasy X replay of the flapjack. Into the corner - Rock pops out with a clothesline (his knee looks okay). "Rock E!" I wonder if Rock will tag. Nope. Bubba Ray with a nice snap suplex - 1, 2, no. Tag to D-Von. Right hand by D-Von. Dares him to get up - into the ropes is reversed, belly-to-belly throw by the Rock. Both men are down again. Stacy runs over and pulls Trish to the floor, just in case somebody thinks about a tag. Bubba Ray with ANOTHER big neckbreaker on the Rock - leg is hooked - 1, nope. Rock put in the ropes, and here's the sleeper. Rock is fading fast. Sign in crowd: "QUE?" Well, it's been about a minute in this hold - Chioda finally checks in - arm falls once - arm falls twice - arm falls NOT thrice. Rock manages to turn in - and turn the hold into a death suplex! Bubba Ray crawls to D-Von and makes the tag. Rock is up! Right - block, right - right, right, into the ropes - D-Von holds on - Rock ducks the swing, but not the next one. Right. Into the ropes, Rock ducks - Rock with a right - right - shoved into the ropes, clothesline is ducked - meanwhile, Bubba Ray is in without a tag and HIS clothesline finds the mark. Of COURSE we tagged, is the implication. Scoop - and a slam by Bubba Ray - and there's ANOTHER tag. D-Von right, Rock right - into the ropes, D-Von holds on - Bubba Ray comes in - but Rock evades the charge and Bubba Ray ends up taking out his brother! Gutshot, DDT on Bubba Ray! Ross works in "malfunction at the junction" but doesn't say "Ed Whalen." Chioda puts on the count as all three men are down - Rock up at 7 - Dudleyz up - "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" on D-Von - same for Bubba - another for D-Von, Bubba, right for D-Von, right for Bubba, right for D-Von, Bubba finally breaks the cycle with a knee - Rock into the ropes - double clothesline on both Dudleyz! Bubba Ray charges - Rock tosses him up and over. Right for D-Von, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT - D-Von runs into a spinebuster - into the Sharpshooter! But Bubba Ray won't let it happen and breaks it up with a kick. He DARES Trish to come in...then turns back to take a spinebuster from Rock! Elbowpad tossed - there's the People's Elbow! 1, 2, D-Von makes the save - but Rock moves away and the elbowdrop hits Bubba Ray! Rock clotheslines D-Von down - NOW Trish wants the tag - Rock makes it - scoop slam on D-Von - *Trish* with a headbutt to the graun! Stacy's up on the apron again - Trish wants at her but Rock is making the "don't worry, baby, I'll handle this" face...and brings her in the hard way. Scoop...and a slam - and spreading HER legs apart for another top-rope headbutt from Stratus! Field goal kick by Stratus - meanwhile, NARCISSIteST is out but Rock heads him off at the pass - right, right, right, right - oops, Stratus is left alone and the Dudleyz are back in - DUDLEY DEATH DROP! Bubba Ray hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3! (11:50) Rock back in with a forearm to D-Von's back to put him out - Rock Bottom for Bubba Ray - but Test is in with the Wotsitolla Boot to Rock. Test *flinches* Chioda's way and he squirts out faster than the runs. Play his music!

Let Us Take You Back to Twenty-Two Paragraphs Ago, where Flair makes a match for the Undisputed WWF Championship

TONIGHT: Said match - it's in a cage, remember

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by PlayStation 2 and Kinetica! From Ven gea nce, Jeff Hardy gets the controversial pin when Lita fails to catch Matt putting his foot on the bottom rope - and apologies aren't going to make things right this time

"No Chance in Hell" plays - and we look up to Vince. "Yeah, well - hello, everybody, we're up here having a wonderful time, we hope you are as well. Matter of fact uh, Book and I see a lot of you waving at us and saying hello, so...Book and I, uh, we're gonna wave back, so...here goes." They do a synchronised beauty pageant wave. "There you go, see, we're friendly. Nonetheless, uh, yeah, it's official. I admit, the Rock closed the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club, he closed it. He closed it for good. He closed it last Thursday when he took my face and pushed it into Rikiri's - Rikshi's posterior. Yeah, you laughed, that's all right - but last night at Ven gea nce, I laughed last. Which means, I laughed loudest. So we've closed the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club, but we've opened a new one. There's a new club, and this new club is known as the Vince McMahon Kick YOUR Ass Club. A number of individuals have joined, sort of, in honourary capacity. And that would be Ric Flair from Ven gea nce, along with Stone Cold and the Rock, matter of fact a few minutes ago, Trish - Trish Stratus - she just joined the Vince McMahon Kick Your Ass Club - and and and Rock, and Rock joined it for the second time, you see - you see, Book, you see in this club, you can join more than once - it's just when you do, the dues keep going higher and higher and higher. But anybody can join - to join all you gotta do is simply cross the boss, that's all. And Ric Flair has crossed me. But make no mistake about it, Mr. Flair - I am the boss. So without further ado, allow me to introduce - a number of the luminaries are here from Hollywood tonight, there is a huge superstar among you - I'd like to introduce him right now. Please give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for the biggest star of them all - give it up for....Booker T! Booker T." Sign in crowd: "BOOKER T STOLE MY CAR" T looks at his hand.

Meanwhile, Lita is still trying to get on Matt's good side. "Matt, just - please talk to me. I didn't do it on purpose, Matt! I didn't see your foot. I didn't even wanna be the referee, Matt. You put me in that position. And now you've got us in this handicap match? I don't wanna fight you, Matt. Matt...I love you." Matt continues lacing his boots and not looking. Lita decides to leave. When she gets to the doorway: "Oh, you love me, huh?" "Yes." "I guess you're just trying to say that to make me feel guilty for not talking to you. Is that right? If you didn't wanna be the referee, why didn't you just say so? You didn't say anything. You know why I asked for this handicap match tonight? Instead of you and Jeff coming up with a little plan and beating me behind my back, why don't you beat me face to face? Just like the Hardy Boyz, Lita, me and you, we're breaking up!" He slams the door, leaving her to cry. Go figure, Jeff just happens by at this time. She says something or other and Jeff consoles her with a big hug. Awww....

Another look at the wwf.com homepage by way of reminding you that you can pay them for streaming video. Anybody wanna tell me which browser they use here?

MATT HARDY v. CHEATA & JEFF HARDY in a "please get all your girly squealing out of the way" handicap match - hey, look, it's MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN in the front row - and he's throttling Lawler! Jeff and Matt get to arguing in the ring - Lita tries to stand between them, but Matt shoves her away and starts opening up on Jeff - back and forth we go, roll around, fists of fire, I guess they're not wrestling because you have to PAY to see that. Matt takes charge in the corner. Meanwhile, Lita is attempting to emote in the corner. Jeff manages to turn it around and now HE gets to punching and stomping and punching and finally referee "Blind" Tim White pulls him off. Jeff runs into a boot. Matt tosses him out. Matt from the apron - flying clothesline to the floor (Lita didn't stop him). Back to punching away. Matt in - and back out. Jeff blocks a head to the apron and puts Matt's head there instead. They both tumble over the barricade. Jeff with punches - and choking away. Back to the ringside area. Matt blocks a head to the steps and bounces Jeff's head off there instead. FINALLY, everybody's back in. Matt with the fistdrop. 1, 2, Jeff kicks out. Matt drops Jeff on the top rope - then clotheslines him down. Jeff breaks free - tries some body shots but Matt punches him down again. Jeff manages a right, ducks, clothesline off the ropes. Into the corner is reversed by Matt, Jeff walks up the corner, and springs off with a twisting press. Speaking in Tongues double legdrop. Back to his knees, Jeff goes right and left with the fists. Gutshot, Twist of Fate attempt is shoved away, and Matt uses the momentum to take Jeff over the top and out. Lita goes up top at this point and hits the Cheatacanrana. Why are the commentators talking about Matt dumping her on national television as if they're aware there are cameras back there? Jeff back up - swantonbomb ... MISSES!! Lita tags herself in (that's probably supposed to *look* like her just patting Jeff on the back to see if he's okay and not realising it's a tag...only it came off looking TOTALLY like a tag, so who knows). Anyway, Matt calmly walks over, grabs Lita, folds her up after a schoolboy and gets the pin. (4:40) Man, I'm *cornfused* - why are they playing JEFF'S music when MATT won? Let's get that Close Personal Friend of Scott's on that straightaway. Lita throws another tantrum.

Ric Flair shakes his head, as if to say "dammit, how DO you turn this monitor on?" "Oh no, not again." This is Storm: "Ric, Mr. Flair, I'm sorry to keep bothering you but this is too important. This is my life. All I'm asking is for a chance to prove myself. I'm ready to go, if you give me a match tonight, I'm ready to go right now. If I win it, I'll have more than earned my right to have a job here. That's all I'm asking for is a chance." "Here's the deal: I'm tired of looking at your face, I'm tired of seeing you. You know who I am, right? You know this is the World Wrestling Federation, the largest, the greatest sports entertainment company in the world. Right? You wanna match tonight? You got a match! But if you don't win the match, I never wanna see you again. Now get outta my office!"

THIS "Best of 2001" ad highlights WrestleMania's TLC match - Lawler says you can vote for your favourite matchup at wwf.com to influence the special. I wonder if anybody'll vote for one of the fine matches I saw in San Jose?

LANCE STORM v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - come on, YOU saw it coming. Storm with a dropkick through the ropes - but the pescado attempt is caught. Show from the floor with a press over the top back into the ring. Show getting in when Storm tries another forearm - Show swats him away. Show in the ring now - into the corner, well it's the big knee, well it's the big knee. Well it's the big hiptoss all the way across the ring and Storm slides out. "You wanna job? Come get you some!" Storm sneaks in with an eyepoke - elbow - elbow - into the ropes is reversed and Show pulls him into a short clothesline. Well it's the big forearm in the back. Lawler eats at In-N-Out? Well it's the big kick. Well it's the big Irish whip into the opposite corner. Storm gets the boot up but Show catches it, pushes it down, and slaps him in the chest. Into the opposite corner - Storm evades the splash - forearm, forearm - Show shoves him away again. Well it's the big headbutt. Show's big boot hits the turnbuckle when Storm escapes - nice reverse kick puts Show down. Storm outside, trying to wrap his leg around the post but Show kicks him away. Storm back in as Show is on his knees...flying leg lariat to the back of the head. Storm up top - missile dropkick! 1, 2, but Show kicks out with authority. Storm tries another kick - Show catches it, puts him down, choke - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - 1, 2, 3. So long, Lance. Back to the Internet commentary circuit with you! (2:37)

Felicity serves sandwiches to McMahon and Booker - Booker suspects Austin trickery and makes her sample them first. Hilarity fails to ensue.

Shawn Michaels (who?) is the Special Guest Star of Excess this Saturday! Ross categorizes it as a "rare television appearance."

"WWF Desire" spotlights Triple H, set to "Beautiful Day" by U2. This segment is a recapper's DREAM, 'cause all *I* have to type is a beautiful nine character word known in Esperanto as FUHFUHWID

Next thing we see is a shirt with "WHAT?" on it. Pan up - it's Austin! "What? ["What?"] What? ["What?"] What? ["What?"] What? ["What?"] Y2J is the Undisputed champion? ["What?"] Y2J was declared the winner at Ven gea nce? ["What?"] Vince McMahon and Booker screw Stone Cold? ["What?"] Vince and Booker T screw Stone Cold? ["What?"] I said, Vince McMahon and Booker T screw Stone Cold? ["What?"] After last night, I sat there and I thought about it, and I said 'Stone Cold, ["What?"] there's no use in sittin' here cryin', ["What?"] whinin', ["What?"] pissin', ["What?"] moanin' ["What?"]' so I asked myself, I said 'Stone Cold, ["What?"] do you want Y2J ["What?"] or do you want Booker T?' ["What?"] So while I was tryin' to make that decision, I drove over to the Sonic drive-in, ["What?"] ordered a jalapeno burger, ["What?"] a chicken-fried steak sandwich, ["What?"] a chili cheese dog with extra onions, ["What?"] french fries, ["What?"] Tater Tots, ["What?"] washed it down with one beer, ["What?"] two beers, ["What?"] three beers, ["What?"] a shot of whiskey, ["What?"] a margarita, ["What?"] and a bloody mary, ["What?"] and I said 'Stone Cold, why have one when you can have 'em both?' ["What?"] Booker T, you show up tonight with Vince McMahon and you got your security guards, ["What?"] you've got your guard dogs, ["What?"] you've got your pepper spray ["What?"] so you can sit up there in your stupid little skybox and you can watch Stone Cold Steve Austin kick the crap outta Y2J in a steel cage! Y2J, you said--you're calling Stone Cold Steve Austin a little trooper? ["What?"] Tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin ain't gonna be no little trooper and since we're right here in Anaheim, California....Hollywood is right down the road, so tonight, Chris Jericho, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna make you a star ["What?"] - no, he's gonna make you a superstar ["What?"] - no, just like you said he's gonna make you a superduperstar. ["What?"] Because you're gonna get the starring role in the movie I'm directing, and the name of that movie is My Name is Chris Jericho and I'm Getting My Ass Whipped in a Steel Cage. And when it's all said and done, Chris Jericho, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna take his Undisputed Championships and walk outta this ring, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Said So."

One more look at the cage - it'll probably be lowered by the time we come back!

Look! It's Times Square! It's WWF New York! There are PEOPLE inside WWF New York!

UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (with Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X presents Royal Rumble!) v. MR. JERICHO within the confines of the unforgiving STEEL cage - Jericho now hits his "outstretched arms" pose with a belt in each hand. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner mans the door, while Austin waits in the far corner. Ross says that this match can only be won via escape - through the door or over the top to the floor. Apparently, Hebner will be STAYING outside the cage. Jericho is so interested in jawing with fans, he's completely failing to get in the cage! Hebner tries to prod him, but doesn't have much luck. FInally, Austin comes outside and forearms Jericho in the back - forearm, right, right, right, right, right, right, scoop...dropped on the barricade. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, right. Kick. Head to the commentary table. Austin grabs Garcia's chair - but Hebner grabs it back. Jericho climbs the cage wall to avoid Austin - as soon as he gets over the top, Austin goes in through the door and NOW the opening bell tolls. Jericho hasn't seen Austin come in, otherwise he'd hop the top and just get out. He TRIES, but Austin pulls him into a stun gun - into the ropes, Austin press - six rights - off the ropes with the Fuck You elbow. Sign in crowd: "WCW = XFL" Head to the buckle, chop, chop, chop, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, (crowd chanting "What?" with every stomp) stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp - stomp. Jericho whipped into the opposite corner, but he leaps to the top and starts climbing - Austin runs after him, catches him, and pulls him down back into the ring. Jericho crawls to the door - Austin is content to stand over him as he struggles to crawl out - then pulling him back in - chop, chop, chop, chop - into the ropes, back elbow. Into the ropes is reversed - and Jericho uses the momentum to run Austin into the cage! Jericho takes over - kick - mount right, right right, right, right, right. "Jericho sux!" chant. Jericho removes a turnbuckle cover - Austin blocks the attempted head to the bolt - back elbow, back elbow, elbow, right, chop, into the ropes, Jericho with a kick when Austin's head is down - Jericho charges, but Austin upends him into the wall of the cage! Austin climbs up...then changes his mind and goes back to Jericho - AGAIN running him into the cage walls. Back to the first wall. Austin stands on Jericho's neck and uses the ropes to add leverage. Jericho to the eyes - chop, chop, chop - into the ropes, Jericho with KICK WHAM no Austin shoves him off - double leg by Austin - Walls of Austin fought off....so Austin just steps on his nuts instead. Stomp. Head to the buckle - into the opposite corner (too bad they're not using the corner with the exposed STEEL) - running clothesline by Austin. Back to the first corner, but Jericho gets the boot up. Running "bulldog." Lionsault! But both men are down. Jericho manages to get up first, and starts the slow climb (but the door is RIGHT THERE) - almost makes it, but Austin grabs his ankle, climbs up after him, and pulls him down. They're balanced on the top rope - chop by Austin, chop, slap, slap, and Jericho slumps on the top turnbuckle. Austin jumps down, crotches him, climbs the corner and pulls Jericho back up - SUPERPLEX! Jericho spots the door again and tries the crawl - Austin has his boot, though, and pulls him back. Jericho manages an enzuigiri and starts crawling again...he's through! Well, only his body - and Austin has the boots again. Jericho pulled back in. Jericho ducks the swing - JERICHO KICK WHAM STUNNER!! *Again* Jericho starts the slow crawl to the open door...trying to pull himself out - one hand on the floor but AGAIN Austin has the boots. Austin with the boot. Jericho with a right - KICK WHAM shoved away - Austin rams Jericho into the wall of the cage - into the opposite wall - and back to the other wall. Austin does a little turnbuckle surgery of his own, removing the protective covering off the large screw holding the ropes to the corner - off all three ropes - now HEAD TO THE BOLT! AGAIN! AGAIN! Seven times in all - and then back into the screw - two more times to the bolt - and one more time into the wall of the cage. It's safe to say Jericho is bleeding by this point. Austin isn't done - WOW Catapult into the eyebolt! And Snake Eyes onto the screw! Austin with a stomp for good measure. Door open and Austin is.....incredibly stupid, because he turns back when Jericho flips him the double bird (Aha! So JERICHO is the one guy watching "Excess!" This is St. Valentine's Day Massacre all over again!) Austin back in - double bird - KICK WHAM STUNNER! NOW he's leaving...oops, BOOKER T is out and slamming the door in Austin's face! I think he's SWEARING a lot, too! Jericho, bleeding all over the place, crawls and crawls...and makes it out to the floor. (11:02) >From the skybox, Vince applauds. Jericho looks like his balloon is flying away, but he again takes hold of the two championship belts. The RAW Zone credits are up and the last thing Ross promises is a "hell toupee," whatever the hell THAT is.



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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