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The Surprisingly Surprise Surprise
May 7, 2002

by Christopher Robin Zimmerman


THANKS TO: Kim! I love her! One of us really should switch coasts already! Okay!

KINGS UPDATE: The opening home stand with the Mavericks resulted in a split. Vlade Divac was Mr. Inside in Game One, then Mr. Invisible in Game Two. Rumours that I have to mow Cody Monk's lawn if the Kings drop this series are greatly exaggerated.

Even though I've been spending practically no time online while in New York, even I caught wind of the big name change - all the signs on the facade of "WWF New York" had already been changed to "The World" - I didn't go inside but it looked like not much had changed there yet. New carpets cost BIG BUCKS, folks

If you HAVEN'T heard by now, the brand name of the "WWF" was dropped in favour of "WWE" earlier today. No word yet on if that's a silent "E" - or if we'll only WISH it was...

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 15.18 (+ .85, last year: 12.70, two years ago: 17 7/8) and ya know if they'd REALLY planned this out in advance, they'd have switched the ticker symbol fwar hwar hwar (I mean, "WWE" *appears* to be available)

TONIGHT: Here's your first look at the new "WW" logo in the corner. OMG THEY CASTRATED THEIR LOGO - I can see it now: "We're just like the *old* WWF...only we have no dicks" - no sir, I don't like it - anyway, you already *know* about the big main event - Stone Cold, Ric Flair & Bradshaw take on the NWO in a six-man tag...which will probably not go down like that or am I being pessimistic OKAY IT'S TWELVE MINUTES AWAY!

T(O)N(I)G(HT): "Face of the Enemy" finally showcases Troi in a non-touchy-feely role and it suits her - besides, you can't go wrong with Romulans, right? (What about when Yar--) All right, all right, so time travel trumps even Romulans. Arrgh. Anyway, good episode tonight, yeah.

Ya know, if they'd REALLY planned ahead, they wouldn't have a voiceover telling us "WWF RAW" was next during the TNG closing credits hwar hwar hwar hwar

(Not to mention the TV Guide listings)

Say, wasn't it nice of the WWF - oh, sorry - to make sure they stuck it to the (UK) WWF one more time by not making the switch until *after* their big "Insurrextion" pay-per-view?

Now would it KILL them to keep saying "World Wrestling Federation," though? Honestly, can't you use the name without using the acronym? Come to think of it, why not ADD a penis to the logo instead of lopping off two? I guess this is why I'm not a.... business......guy.

TV-14-DLV - CC - With a new logo comes a new opener - all their logos on one screen. I have no idea what "Velocity," "Afterburn," "Bottom Line" and "Confidential" are, but perhaps ignorance is bliss - "Attitude" - "Entertainment" - "WW"

And here's a new promotional spot - a woman carves the old WWF logo into her hedge, castrates it, then sets it on fire until only the scratch WW remains. Tag: "Get the F out" - funny, that's EXACTLY what I was thinking

Opening Credits

PYRO! Coming to you LIVE from the sold out Civic Center in Hartford, CT 6.5.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on the new TNN (hmm, another brilliant concept, come to think of it), this is RAW! Lawler proves that despite his unflagging efforts to prove otherwise, he actually HAS no balls by cheerfully chirping "We're getting the F out! Huh huh this is great!"

TRISH STRATUS (Toronto, Ontario - with

TONIGHT: Flair, Austin, Bradshaw vs. the NWO!

WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS (challenger - Toronto, Ontario) v. JAZZ (champion - New Orleans, Louisiana - with Steven Richards - and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) with No Disqualifications
referee: JACK DOAN
Turnbuckles, apron, new logos abound - they even try very hard to not show old logos in the flashback. Trish ducks, forearm, forearm, forerarm, whip is reversed, terrible sunset flip by Trish gets 2. Forearm, forearm, forearm, kick, kick, kick, kick, chop, chop, into the corner is reversed, Jazz charges but nobody's home on the avalanche. Rollup but Richards has Doan's eye. Trish swings at Richards - Jazz blindsides Trish out of the ring. Big headbutt by Jazz on the floor. Thrown back in the ring - stomp by Jazz. Stomp, field goal kick, double underhook suplex. Jazz raises her arms to feed the boos. There's ANOTHER double arm suplex. 1, 2, Stratus shoots an arm out. Choke on the second rope by Jazz - no disqualifications, mind. Cover - 2. Double chickenwing applied...before Trish can give it up, she drops her face first - that'll be a broken nose, maybe. Into the ropes, Trish ducks, standing kick by Trish, Stratusfaction - 1, 2, Richards pulls Doan out of the ring! Steven in - Stevenkick for Trish - Jazz rolls her over - 1, 2, 3. Champ retains. (3:12) Now to take the sting out of that, here comes BUBBA RAY DUDLEY and a garbage can - block, right, left, right, left, into the ropes, big back body drop - left, left, left, flip flop and fly bionic elbow for Richards, elbow for Jazz as well, Dudley asks himself to get the tables - Richards should really make a break for it while Dudley's setting up this table. Stevenkick blocked - here's a Bubbabomb - Chad Patton counts - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion (1:20 from last bell). Jazz wields the trashcan lid - Bubba turns round, Jazz makes a face, tries a kick instead - caught - got her by the hair, but now CAW CAW CAW is in - lid shot, Evenflow DDT, 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (0:26) Here's JUSTIN CREDIBLE - superkick - 1, 2, 3 - aw shove it. (0:12) Yep - CRASH HASNOLASTNAME is here - missile dropkick from the top rope - 1, 2, 3. (0:16) He backs into Bubba Ray Dudley, who now has a garbage can - Crash tries a shove, so Dudley clobbers him with the garbage can. But before he can go for the pin, Trish covers - Doan counts 1, 2, 3 and yeah. (0:20) So Dudley grabs HER by the hair - Jazz interjects with the fire extinguisher, but Trish ducks and Bubba takes full brunt. Still, Trish is dumb enough to walk up to Bubba - he feels her into a crucifix bomb through the table (whew, got to use that table after all) - wow, somebody really should cover Trish. Finally Richards crawls back in and covers - 1, 2, 3. I think this silliness is over. (0:53) Bubba tries to get an eyewash - and finally realises what he's done to Trish. Ross speculates he thought it was Jazz. Ummm....so Dudley picks up Trish and carries her off. They play her music.

The NWO is WALKING! out of the Lee-Mcginley Press Room. "Let's do this." Ross: "Let's do WHAT, king? Let's do WHAT?!" Hey, at least THEIR logo isn't all pussified

Catch the ... LIVE! Tomorrow, Bridgeport is sold out! Saturday, Quebec City; Sunday Halifax; and a week from tomorrow, Montreal!

When we come back, the NWO are on their way to the ring. The implication is that this is unexpected. "Listen up! I know you little people out there have even smaller attention spans. So in case any one of you missed it, I wanna show the footage of what happened two weeks ago on RAW - roll it. Gets the tag...wham, Austin! I own you right now. I have him by the neck - the biggest star in the WWF (OOPS) manhandled, slammed, crushed - is there anything more beautiful? Now since that happened, all of you little fans have asked me 'why?' Why would I do that to Stone Cold? You say 'What?' and I'll break every one of you in half. I'm gonna put it in perspective for you. Two years ago, *I* was the main event at WrestleMania! Do you know what I was doin' this year? I was in a restaurant pickin' your ugly kids up, tryin' to pretend to have a good time? What's the common denominator? Two years ago, Austin was hurt - *I* was in the main event. Austin's back - where am I? Last pay-per-view - instead of bein' in a main event match, I'm a preliminary match on Heat! I am the biggest, baddest superstar to ever hit this company! You see, it all stems from jealousy - it all stems from insecurity. You small people...you realise deep down inside, you can't stop someone like me. You can't CONTROL someone like me! So you try to hold me down. Deny me what's rightfully MINE. But oh no. Now, there's no stoppin' me. I am a real-life, seven foot, five hundred pound, fire-breathin', walkin', talkin', pissed off giant. You think this is bad? This works out great. The NWO gets a little supercharged - basically, the NWO just got BIGGER. And as Stone Cold puts it, the Bottom Line - the bottom line is there's nothin' you OR Ric Flair can do about it!" Did someone say RIC FLAIR? "Is that what this is all about? Is that why you're out here whinin' and cryin' - 'cause you weren't at WrestleMania? I wish I was as big as you - I wish I was as tall as you - I wish I had the gifts God gave you - I don't - but I was sixteen times - sixteen times the World Champion - do you know why? 'cause I didn't WHINE, I didn't cry, I went out and worked my ass off every night! You gotta problem with your position in RAW, look in a seven foot mirror. And as far as NWO goes, I apologise to you guys last week, X-Pac, I counted what I saw. You don't like it, that's tough (shit). I got no problem tellin' everyone here I like Austin - I don't like you guys at all. Yeah. And as much as I wanna see Bradshaw - yeah, that's right - and...as much as I want to and Hartford wants to, and the world wants to - wooo that's right - as much as Bradshaw and Austin should have you all alone, not gonna happen - they're gonna have the three of you - that's right, right here, Hartford tonight - the NWO - X-Pac, Scott Hall, the Big Show versus Bradshaw, the Nature Boy wooo and Stone Cold Steve Austin! Woooo!" "Hey yo. Lemme get this right, Flair. That's, that's your big news? That's your surprise? Well uh...chico, the NWO has a surprise for YOU - and all of YOU - and it's gonna happen In This Very Ring - and it's gonna change the history of this company...FOREVER." You know this is serious 'cause X-Pac actually takes off his Kane mask! Uh....yeah.

Lita shills Stacker 2

Scorpion King ad - aka "I jobbed to Spidey"

Look! It's the Hartford Civic Center!

WWE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP (challenger - Blackpool, England - 240 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Insurrextion) v. SPIKE DUDLEY (champion - Dudleyville - 150 pounds)
referee: CHAD PATTON
Saturday at Insurrextion, Dudley rolled his right ankle but still managed to eke out a victory against Regal. Regal then gave him a brass knux punch post-match. Dudley does a big-time limp to the ring to reinforce the plot elements. "Spike Dudley - your courage in coming out here tonight is oh so admirable. It really is a shame that you signed for this European title match before you were injured this weekend at Insurrextion, isn't it? But being the perfect gentlemen that I am, I will offer you a choice. You can do the right thing and forfeit the title to me right here right now before the match - because if you don't, you miserable little toerag, the thrashing that I gave to you this past weekend will seem like a walk in the bloody park, sunshine - do you understand me, you foul filthy disgusting little (British slang even I don't know)?" "You know, maybe you're right. My ankle is killin' me, I can barely walk. Maybe I should do the smart thing...and forfeit. Because after what you just said, you've really put things in perspective for me." Then he jumps on him - right hand, hops on the back - Regal tosses him over and that's it - steps on the injured ankle, whips the leg back - scoop - and a slam into the ropes, ankle hitting the rope - Regal grabs an anklelock and steps on the back of his neck to boot. Spike has to tape for five seconds before the bell rings Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European champion. (0:38) Regal takes the mic once again. "I would just like to take a moment from my victory to declare myself as the greatest European champion of all time!" Regal heads out to clip Spike one more time as he's being helped out. Regal drags him by his ankle, slams it into the floor, throws him back in the ring and stomps on it again. Regal goes back to the anklelock/step on the neck...well wouldn't you know it, D'LO BROWN is out - Sky Hi on Regal! Play his music!

Flair angrily takes out his gear. "Did I hear the NWO go out on my show tonight and say they had a surprise?" Arn: "Yeah." "Well, I'm Ric Flair - if there's gonna be any surprises tonight, *I* wanna know about it. I'm goin' to their dressing room." "You're the boss."

Judgment Day ad - Taker vs. Hogan looks set - so's that WW(silent e) logo

The (listen for the cut) Burn of the Night is brought to you by Stacker 2 - From Last Week, Goldust's interference goes awry and Rob van Dam gets the duke on Booker T. Ya know, if they'd REALLY planned ahead, they'd have gotten their Voiceover Guy to redo a "WWE" over that snipped "WWF" hwar hwar hwar hwar hwar

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Today, at "A Neighborhood 7-Eleven" - T enters. Hey, he's only six feet tall if the numbers on the door are any indication! "Oh thank heaven, 7-Eleven. The coast is clear, finally. Yo, dog - you seen this gold freak come in here, man? Been stalkin' me all week, I can't get rid of him." "No, I think I'd remember him if I did." T goes to get his ritualistic pre-match Slurpee (sure!) and shoves aside the kids enjoying a tasty Slurpee. "All the Booker T cups gone? I'll hook you up later. The Hardys? RVD, the Rock? What's the deal, you outta Booker T cups or what?" So T gets a 22 ounce Slurpee instead. (Blue raspberry? But Bruisin' Berry is RIGHT THERE!) He threatens the cardboard cutout of Rob van Dam but it doesn't flinch. "Yo, you in line, dog?" The man in the Sprewell jersey turns around - it's Goldust - and he's holding a wiener! Well, a hot dog. "Oh - NO, MAN I'm callin' the police." "Wait, please please wait. I'm sorry for this elaborate disguise, but this is the only way I could get to talk to you. I've followed you from your hotel--" "FOLLOWED me?" "Yes, yes, I'm also sorry for last week's mishap. It will never happen again - if only you and I had remained a team. But know tonight, you're with Eddie Guerrero against RVD and Jeff Hardy - what gives?" "Hey, man - you some kinda freak - you some kinda creep - and I don't like it man, I don't like it!" "I'm not a creep. It's all about mind games, Book. It's all about you and me being as a unit - being unstoppable - psychological, that's what makes us undefeated...and the best that there can be, now let's talk things through, let's clear the air." "You might be right. You might be right, but let's talk about it later. I gotta go." "Okay, one more thing, please wait. If you...would just allow me to have a drink of your Slurpee, I'll give you...a bite of my wiener." "Man back up off me! Back the hell up! It's over! It's over between us!" "Book - Book, wait - come on now - mind games - mind games, remember!" He takes a bite. "Dammit...what's he thinking."

Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY. Wow, I never thought I'd be praising Jim Ross but he looks like the ONLY guy on this show with enough balls to keep wearing the old WWF logo.

Let Us Take You Back to Insurrextion, where Heyman told Shawn Stasiak to stand on the apron while Brock Lesnar did all the work in their tag team match against the Hardys - come match time, Stasiak barrels by Heyman and Lesnar and works the match, much to Heyman's chagrin - so Lesnar destroyed HIM instead.

Backstage, Lesnar does pullups. "Brock - it's time we brought Planet Stasiak down to earth." He's WALKING

Meanwhile, Flair rifles through the NWO locker room. "Where the hell's everybody? What's going on around here? An APA hat in the NWO dressing room? That doesn't work...." And off he goes.

"Stone Cold: What?" video & DVD ad - they didn't have to change the WCW logo in this ad, did they - hwar hwar hwar

Forceable Entry CD ad - they SAY WWE but that's definitely a NOW collector's item WWF logo on the cover

Backstage, The Undertaker pulls up on His Beautiful Bourget Python Bike. "You're here all day?" "Yes sir." "Watch my bike. I won't be long, okay?" "Yes sir. Yes sir." As he walks off, the camera zooms in on the NWO discussing...something.

SHAWN STASIAK (Planet Stasiak - 261 pounds) v. BROCK LESNAR (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman - and Tough Enough III application hype)
Stasiak has new music - so does Lesnar (or at least a new "gunfire" opening) - Lawler lets a "WWF" slip while promo'ing ToughEnough.com - then blows the domain name as well - Ross corrects the WWE but also repeats "ToughEnough3.com" so who can say in these uncertain times what...oh, wait, this match is over. Shockingly, Lesnar got a pinfall (!) with a foot on the chest after the Move We Daren't Name. (2:08) The highlight of this match was probably the production crew's inability to quickly drown out the "Goldberg" chant started in the crowd.

The Undertaker is WALKING! "Where's my bike?" "He took it." "WHO took my motorcycle?" "Hulk Hogan." "Who?" "Hulk Hogan." "Get outta here."

It's still "WWF Excess" in the "TNN Slammin' Saturday Night" promo - that's just good planning!

Exactly how many hedges does this woman have to destroy, anyway?

Commentators shill Judgment Day - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week when The Undertaker Did Some Very, Very Bad Things To Hulk Hogan - And Kept His Weight Belt

Here comes AWESOME - NO, WAIT, THAT'S YOU KNOW WHO driving out to "Rollin'" on Taker's ride - how did HE get those steps to stand on end like that? Here's the new RAW Credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV and CC boxes to herald the arrivale of what I assume we're still calling the War Zone. Oh, I get it - Hogan's riding the bike 'cause he can't WALK ohhh sorry. Wow, Hogan's posing routine sure is easy to recap - I just SIT here for a minute and watch Hogan cup his ear. Hey, I think he might finally have something to say! I hope he starts with "It's still runnin' wild, isn't it?" Hogan has now TRIPLE-clutched the mic. "You know somethin', Maniacs....last week, The Undertaker was flappin' his gums, and he said 'the more things change, the more they stay the same.' Well Taker, how would you like to experience firsthand how I'VE changed since the last time we were in the ring together, brother? Well, Taker, we all know you don't care much about anything or anybody. But I know one thing that you sure do care about, bro." Sara? No, Hogan slowly leaves the ring and heads over to the ride. "Well you know something, maniacs - the way I see it, I got somethin' that belongs to The Undertaker. So the way I see it, Taker, if you want this damn bike so bad, why don't you bring your bad ass out here and take it from me?" Hogan sits on the seat...and adjusts his 'do rag. "I DARE you, Taker." 

He doesn't even have to finish the sentence before AWESOMETAKER walks out...but stays on the stage. Taker does his imitation of Darrell Hammond's imitation of Jesse Jackson. "Hogan - now I know that you ride bikes, so that means I know you know better than this. You don't touch another man's motorcycle. Now I'm gonna shoot straight with ya. I'm already planning on giving you the beating of a lifetime at Judgment Day. So...before you do something really stupid, I think there's something that you might wanna know. I've sent people to the hospital for giving my motorcycle a funny look. So I tell you what I'm gonna do. I know you're probably not in your right state of mind after what happened last week - that I understand. But I'm gon' give you one - one opportunity to get your ass off my motorcycle - and if you don't, I will walk down that ramp and kick your teeth--" 

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah - blah blah blah. You know somethin', Taker - are you actually gonna DO something, or are you just gonna stand up there like the bitch that you are?" WHOA PUNK CARD "Well obviously, Taker, you don't want none down here - so why don't I bring the bike up there to you, brother?" Hogan starts it up - ha ha, he killed it. Hogan starts it again - revs it up - and kills it again. Taker decides to go backstage. HA HA THIS SUCKS. We cut to the commentators - I have a funny feeling we're supposed to have a video clip of Hogan riding backstage, only they can't GET the bike backstage. Ross and Lawler vamp as best they can. We hear the bike spring to life - FINALLY Hogan gets up the ramp and backstage. More vamping from the commentators. I bet you a million dollars we cut backstage.

Sure enough, Hogan rides backstage and I'm sure this was pre-taped. Hogan is bleeped, which helps my case. Hogan calls for Taker. "Come out you damn piece of crap!" HEY that's MY Undertaker you're talking about there, old man. Hogan takes another ride. He's at least kind enough to signal his turns. Man, there are cameras EVERYWHERE in this building, aren't there? Oh, idiot - he's stopped in the oncoming path of a semi...unless he's gonna climb in it himself and run it over...yep, that's what he's gonna do. "Hey Taker! (Shit's) on now, man! Either you come out here, get your ass kicked, or I'll destroy that piece of (shit)." Hogan clmibs in the cab of the truck - where presumably they leave the keys in the ignition ALL the time. "Taker - this is it, boy! Get your ass out here or I'm gonna destroy your bike!" He fires up the engine of the truck....and we take an ad break? Oh my.

Kurt Angle gets tough on angina! Also, he pronounces it funny!

WWF Forceable Entry CD ad - hmm, must be a local version for the New York cable market since it's still got that verboten acronym in it - GOOOOOD PLANNING

When we come back, Hogan finally runs over the motorcycle. Wow, I was hoping that would look more impressive but the truck more pushes it than runs it over. Hogan gets out and surveys the damage. "You're a dead man, Taker - Taker! Taker!" Off he goes, still in some kind of hot pursuit, I guess...

ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds - with

Interrupting Lawler's promos, the Slam of the Week is presented by Burger King! From Two Weeks Ago, Guerrero punks out van Dam after his match - but misses the frog splash.

ROB VAN DAM and JEFF HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 218 pounds) v. BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 251 pounds - with RAW is brought to you by Stacker 2, Slim Jim, and Swanson's Hungry-Man) and EDDIE GUERRERO (intercontinental champion - El Paso, Texas - 228 pounds)
This just in: Rob van Dam meets Eddie Guerrero at Judgment Day for the intercontinental title. Didn't they do that already? It all runs together now... T and Guerrero have a chat about who will start - it ends up being Eddie against van Dam. Lockup, waistlock by Guerrero, reversed by van Dam, back elbow by Guerrero to an armwringer, leg trip, van Dam kips up and revereses - Guerrero flips out. van Dam with a leg trip for 1, Guerrero single leg, 1. Both men up. Guerrero with a shove and some words - van Dam shoves back - side headlock by Guerrero, powered out and into the ropes, van Dam splits under, monkey flip on Guerrero's way back - forearm, forearm, whip is reersed, back to back by van Dam, Guerrero ducks the roundhouse but not the superkick. Guerrero up on the shoudlers - dropped facefirst by van Dam. Eddie crawls to his corner and makes the tag. Booker T. Lockup, knee by T, forearm in the bac, chop, chop, chop, pounding on the back, stomping away, Patrick finally pulls him away. Into the opposite corner, reversed, shoulder by van Dam, shoulder, superfluous backflip, so T gives him the Harlem sidekick before he can come in again. T puts van Dam into the ropes, he ducks, Viscera kick by van Dam finds the mark. Back kick, tag SQUEEEEEEEAL - off the ropes with a flying jalapeno - Guerrero in and HE gets a double leg takedown and speaking in tongues double legdrop. Back to T - Hardy with a right, right, right, kick, into the ropes, reversed by T, Eddie from behind, forearm by T knocks down Hardy. T tosses him outside and then taunts van Dam, ensuring that Patrick misses Guerrero ramming Hardy into the STEEL steps outsided. Hardy thrown back in for T - who gives van Dam ANOTHER free shot - doubles over Hardy - off the ropes with the axe kick - now consulting his hand - breakdance routine - 1, 2, van Dam drops the leg to break it up. Hardy into the ropes, Hardy ducks, T presses him up but Hardy dropkicks in midair. T staggers a bit but is back on him - gutshot, into the ropes, head down, DDT by Hardy! Both men down again - T is going to make the tag this time...but so does Hardy! Guerrero finds nobody home on the corner splash, forearm by van Dam, forearm, into the opposite corner, tumbling run monkey flip, into the ropes, *Guerrero* goes back to back, but van Dam catches the kick and hist the stepover heel kick. Here's T - there's a Frankensteiner for T! Rolling Thunder hits Guerrero - leg is hooked - 1, 2, T breaks it up! T puts van Dam through the ropes...meanwhile, Hardy hits the sitout bulldog on Guerrero - Guerrero put into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl, GOLDUST is in and Hardy throws HIM outside - van Dam in - coordination - swantonbomb, Fivestar, pin! (5:45) Goldust is left trying to explain himself to T yet again.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago when Hogan ran over Taker's bike

JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Terri, who has challenged Molly Holly to a swimsuit contest. She'd rather be an interviewer, but Molly's been talking too much. She wants the fans to choose tonight between pure and wholesome... "or these." And she (presumably) flashes the Coach. He makes a funny face. This can only mean one thing: an ad break!

"Broken" by 12 Stones is the official theme of Judgment Day! Also, it's available now!

"You know, Double A...something's not right here. I go to the NWO dressing room and I find an APA hat. You think about it, all that hoopla two weeks ago, nobody saw Bradshaw get attacked. We never got a visual - we never saw him go down - how do we know Bradshaw's not doin' something? Huh? You know what, I'm goin' to Bradshaw's dressing room right now." Anderson...stands by.

Lawler's in the ring when we get back to MC the next - ahem - match:

TERRI v. MOLLY HOLLY in a swimsuit match - Terri's using Lita's old music these days. Lawler says he's prayin' it's a thong. Before Terri disrobes, Lawler calls out Molly, who is carrying... flippers? "If you don't mind, and even if you do, I'm going first. Now, King, don't get too excited, because when you see what I'm wearing, you won't believe your eyes." They play the music as Holly puts on the bathing cap - and removes her robe to reveal a vintage suit. "I'm speechless! Hang on a second, Molly - yeah - I'm ready. Are you ready?" They hit the music again and Terri reveals a leopard print...well of COURSE, it's a thong! Molly is disgusted. "You know - YOU are disgusting." See? "I mean, how can you parade around like that? Have you no dignity?" "You're just jealous of what God gave me - and what He didn't give you!" Oh man THERE'S a straight line "*I* am in swimwear for a swimsuit competition - you're dressed like - well, like - well, excuse my language but like a stripper! You might as well - you might as well put a pole in the middle of the ring!" Lawler: "Oh wait a minute, I can find a pole all right!" Ross: "Hahahahaha" Anyway, it's time for the audience to decide - see if you can figure out the respective reactions for both ladies. "You know what - you people - you people do not deserve to see my virgin body in this state of undress." Robe's back on - so when is she gonna do something with the flippers? Ah, there we go - flipper to the back! Lawler holds her back, so she walks away. WOW WHAT A SEGMENT

Ric Flair is WALKING! "Bradshaw - Bradshaw - it's Flair - Bradshaw! What's goin' on...what the hell?" Flair finds Kane's mask in the locker room. "Bradshaw's got some explaining to do now. Jackie - where is Austin's dressing room?" "It's down there." "Are you sure?" "Yes. Are you okay?" "No, I'm not."

More live entertainment events! Next week, RAW is Toronto! One week from Friday, Louisville; one week from Saturday, Raleigh, and Judgment Day is in Nashville!

Another "WWF Excess" mention in the TNN Slamming Saturday Night spot

Judgment Day ad - Edge/Angle hair vs. hair match hyped - that's a bit of a shock!

Flair knocks on Austin's door - Debra says he just left to get his knees taped up. "When you see him, tell him I'm looking for him right away." Flair turns back to find Bradshaw in his face. "You lookin' for me?" "Yeah as a matter of fact I am, you know I go to the NWO dressing room, I find an APA hat, right? I go to your dressing room, I find Kane's mask - YOU owe ME an explanation." Bradshaw seems a little surprised, but only says "I don't owe you a damn thing! Stone Cold and I are goin' to the ring to kick some NWO ass - you just decide whether you're comin' or not."

Meanwhile, the NWO are WALKING! X-Pac doesn't have his Kane mask

UP NEXT: Ric Flair, Stone Cold, Bradshaw, the NWO, and a special surprise appearance by SAVIO VEGA! (Maybe)

Another local "WWF Forceable Entry" CD ad

NWO (1007 pounds - with 1-800-CAL-LATT presents Judgment Day!) v. RIC FLAIR (Charlotte, North Carolina - 234 pounds) and BRADSHAW (Sweetwater, Texas - 292 pounds) and...
The NWO theme now begins with "Wellllll - well it's the Big Show" before hitting the familiar riff. Man, it's only 10:43...there's still a lot of time to kill in this show...? Maybe four entrances will help things.

Backstage, Taker finally finds the wreckage of his bike. He's...I would say "miffed," yes. Calling for Hogan, he storms off. The camera lingers on the shot...as a black limousine pulls up. Exiting is...Kevin Nash. Is HE the surprise? Is an ad break the surprise? It may not be a surprise, but it IS an ad break...

Lita shills Stacker 2 - don't take if you have a broken neck

NWO v. RIC FLAIR & BRADSHAW and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (Victoria, Texas - 252 pounds)
referee: EARL HEBNER
Bradshaw wants to start - both men finally let him. No, Austin tags himself in. Bradshaw is annoyed but steps through the ropes. It's X-Pac on the other side. Here we go - lockup, side headlock by Austin - 'Pac powers out, shoulderblock by Austin - up and over, up and over, 'Pac leaps and Austin catches him in a spinebuster. Hall in, HE gets a spinebuster - double noggin knocker. 'Pac into the ropes, no, reversal, nobody home on the dropkick - Austin spreads the legs and stomps - WOW Catapult into the corner. Austin wants 'Pac to turn around, but when he doesn't he gives fifteen heads to the turnbuckle - or fifteen "whats" I guess. There was a bird for Hebner in there as well. Into the ropes, 'Pac manages a kick, and stumbles to his corner to tag in Hall. Hall right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Hall ducks, but Austin hits the Austni press, seven rights, Up Yours elbow off the ropes, KICK WHAM Hall shoves out and shakes his head. Austin dares Hall to tag out to the Show - so he does. Show Diesels over the top rope - will Austin lock up? Yes, he will. Easily to the corner - Show lets up. They tie up again - Show shoves Austin to the ropes and lets go. Show's all power - a THIRD collar and elbow and Show shoves him to the corner - so Austni comes out with fists - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Austin ducks, Show hits a HUGE back body drop and shows no ill-effects from the punches. Bradshaw tags himself in at this point, and Austin ain't too pleased about THAT. Their discussion is cut short as Hall is in for the NWO - Bradshaw quick right, right, into the ropes, reversed, shoulderblock by Bradshaw, Hall put in the corner, followup clothesline, to the opposite corner with a follow lariat, right hand, right, Hall is punch drunk - or just drunk - backhand chop by Bradshaw, Hall pokes in the vicinity of the eye and Bradshaw sells like a champ - tag to X-Pac. Bradshaw stops HIM with a shoulderblock. Into the corner, boot up by 'Pac, but runs into a powerslam - 1, 2, no. Right hand by Bradshaw - into the ropes, 'Pac ducks - Bradshaw catches him for the COFS. Right hand for 'Pac, into the ropes, 'Pac ducks and lands a Viscera as Bradshaw comes off the ropes. Tag to show. Well it's a big forearm in th eback - again - well it's a big knee in the corner, knee, knee, well it's a big beal across the ring. Well it's a big headbutt. Well it's another big headbutt. Well it's the THIRD big headbutt and Bradshaw goes down bleeding. Right, right, pokes away Hebner, headbutt to the back of the head. Into the ropes, well it's the big boot. Show has Bradshaw's blood on his own foreahead. "C'mon boy!" Bradshaw slowly gets to his feet - and gives Show his best shot - right, backhand chop, right, chop, right, well it's the big knee to stop that. Well it's the big right. Well it's the big elbowdrop. Hall in without a tag as Austin and Flair distract Hebner. Hall with HIS fallaway slam - but only gets 2. Stomp, tag to Show. Well it's the big headbutt. Show winds up for a straight right to the cut on the forehead. Show stands over the seated Bradshaw and rams his knee right into the temple. Picks him back up for ANOTHER headbutt. Tag to 'Pac - he drops six knees on the templ and adds three rights - knee, knee, knee, finally Hebner pulls him off. Chop. Chop. Bradshaw fires back - right, chop, right, chop, right, kick by 'Pac, right, right by Bradshaw, right by 'Pac, kick, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, big boot by Bradshaw, elbowdrop, Hall breaks up the count, now Austin AND Flair are in - chop, chop, chop for X-Pac, wants the figure four but Show tosses Flair out - Bradshaw clotheslines SHOW out and it's all broken down - X-Pac reverses a whip in the corner, nobody home on the splash, Bradshaw winds up and hits the Hades lariat. 1, 2, Show pulls Bradshaw out of the ring and gives him ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM through the commentary table - Show having cleared it of monitors in the interim. Austn on Show with rights - but Hall from behind stops it. All three NWO members put Austin in the ring and Hall and 'Pac follow, stomping away. Into the ropes, Austni ducks the double clothesline and hits one of his own - then delivers a DOUBLE STONE COLD STUNNER!! Austin looks up...and sees Show standing on the outside. Austin dares him to come in - and here he comes, Dieseling over the top - well it's a big knee, well it's a big knee, well it's a big forearm in the back, forearm, headbutt to the back of the head, well it's a big forearm in the back, you know neither of these guys are legal - open-handed slap form the Show, another - Austin tries to kick back but Show has too much. Beal across the ring. Kick, into the ropes, Austin ducks but trips up and slides out of the ring. Show out after him - shoving Austin back in - Austin staggers to a corner and Show advances on him - whip into the opposite corner, well it's a big clothesline to follow. Well it's a big headbutt. "C'mon, Jim Ross - you want some too?" Ross calls him a big-mouthed, overbearing bully. Austin put into the ropes, well it's a big back body drop that gets *somebody* bleeped. Well it's the big gutshot in the corner, well it's a big right, into the opposite corner - Austin FINALLY gets a boot up - got the boot up again - double bird - and a second rope Austin press takes Show down! Sixteen rights from the mount - but Show takes it all and shoves him off. KICK WHAM Show shoves him into the ropes, kicks HIM and Hebner makes sure Austin collides with him so he can sail out of the ring. DOWN COME THE STRAPS - Flair is in with a chair but Show spots him - chokeslam coming up - no, Austin hits the uppernut and breaks THAT up - KICK WHAM STUNNER and the Big Show is down! Austin hooks the leg despite neither man being legal - moot point as Hebner is still out on the floor. Austin tries to pull him into the ring but nothing doing. Austin turns back - Flair chairs him! Huh? Flair takes the chair to the right knee brace - one, two, three shots from the chair. Flair asks for a mic...and gets it. "My next official act on behalf of the RAW brand, kiss my ass, punk - is to tell YOU that at Judgment Day, you've got ME and Big Show in a Handicap Match!" Flair wrenches the knee - and locks in the figure four. Show has a chuckle. Hall adds some leverage, grabbing the hands. Bradshaw is apparently still out. Is Austin tapping? Show grabs Flair's arms and adds the leverage. Hebner is finally back in and manages to break it up. Flair and Show raise arms as Flair's music plays. (No contest? 15:51?) WW logo and we're out.


So what was up with Nash? Or do we care? Yeah.

AFTER THE FACT: Thanks to The Ayakoholic, you get BONUS FOOTAGE!

The RAW/Heat show in Hartford last night was great-- couldn't have asked for better. Our seats were on the first part of the rise, three rows up, so we were really close yet still got to see over most of the signs. The only time the floor sign humanoids pissed us off was when we had to look at the monitor to see the swanton/fivestar spot at the end of the tag match, but otherwise, they were great seats. If you saw my group's "Mullet Power" sign (Eddy rules!) or our "ASSHOSEZWHAT?!" sign, let me know. By the way, shoutouts to Jeff "El Nastico" Paternostro, Rosie "El Tigre Nigre" Valdez, and Karl "GDP" Moore, and shame on you, Benni "J-Pock" Pierce, for having more important things to do. I'm Kevin "Big Papa Smurf" Kanda, your host for however long it takes you to read this, but you can call me The Ayakoholic.

There were no dark matches, which was a bit disappointing-- I had been looking forward to seeing some of the developmental talent. They opened with the "WWF through the years" Kid Rock promo, which is still one of my favorite video packages of all time. Then, they showed the WWF->WW logo commercial. Finkel comes out, makes the usual announcements (minus the word "Federation"), Coach enters, Raven enters (both to big pops).

Heat was pretty kickin'. Everyone got surprisingly large pops, even the heels, and the heels got plenty of heat. And god DAMN that pyro's loud.

Eddy Guerrero vs. Tommy Dreamer: Tommy's shed any ring rust he had, and they put on a great show. The ending came when Tommy went for the Spicolli Driver; Eddy struggled out, went for the brainbuster, remembered that he really didn't want to fuse any more of Tommy's vertebrae, and hit sort of a pausing suplex instead. The ensuing "better than five star" gets the win. Eddy, by the way, is like unto a god.

Rob Van Dam vs. Goldust: One of the funniest things that happened last night: either he's a really good actor, or RVD had no idea that they were going to add pyro to his entrance. When it went off, he had a moment of either "holy SHIT!" or "dude, you're harshing my buzz!" We were very disappointed by the lack of sparkly things during Dustin's entrance. Good match; I *think* the setup for the Fivestar was the stepover spinkick counter, but I could be wrong. I was kind of busy marking out. Anyway, hop to the ropes, make sure the crowd's okay with it, Fivestar, 1-2-3.

Next, they taped the main event hype crowd scene. A bit odd, that-- we weren't sure whether Heat was only going to be two matches.

Finally, Matt Hardy vs. Mr. Perfect. It's weird to say this, but they totally wrestled a comedy match, or as my friend Karl put it, "the iron slapfest of doom." Matt gets the three count with the Twist of Fate.

Brief pause, then The Fink announces Lillian Garcia, followed by J.R. and Lawler. Huge pops for all three. And god DAMN that pyro's loud.

No in depth report, as CRZ will do that, just notes:

I have *never* seen a crowd as dead as when Sean Stasiak entered the arena. Well, maybe at a really bad indy show, but there was literally no reaction at all, no change in crowd volume, nothin'. At the end of his match, though, either they were really selling it for the live crowd or he got legitimately injured. Several refs assisted him out during the commercial.

The Booker T/Goldust skit was one of the funniest I've seen-- right up there with Booker and Goldust At The Movies and Raven and Kanyon's Night On The Town. Great crowd reaction.

Tag match: Booker's pop was almost as big as the faces', but the crowd was hating Eddy. All except for me and my "Mullet Power" sign wielding friends, of course. Kickass match, though as I said, we couldn't see the finish due to the WHAT sign-wielding morons. (In stark contrast, the main event was boring as hell to watch, even the really predictable but really premature Flair turn. Oh well, I'm sure he's more comfortable as a heel.)

As usual, there were some exceptional assholess in the crowd; mercifully, they did their thing during the commercial breaks. One guy got ejected after starting a fight (someone was spitting off the balcony). Another got ejected after hanging off the balcony. I kinda wish he had actually fallen and broken his neck, but no such luck. I *hate* marks.

Hogan's pushing 60, but the man can still work a crowd like no one else. He got by far the loudest pop of the night, and he got it for something like two or three solid minutes without saying a word. Love him or hate him, it's still awe-inspiring. Then Undertaker comes out to a pop almost as big, which for some reason turned to heel heat the moment he opened his mouth. Ah, marks.

The other hilarious thing that happened: Hogan stalled the bike out not once, not twice, but three times. I'm curious as to how JR and Jerry covered for that one, but Hogan *completely* killed the amazing heat he and 'taker built during that segment, and the crowd was laughing and jeering. (Karl, card that he is, tried to start a "buy Japanese!" chant.) Worse yet, the ensuing skits were some of the lamest I've seen since NWO Late Night, and were saved only by the unintentional comedy of 'taker's reaction.

All in all, it was well worth the trip and the price of the tickets. Hey, Eddy and RVD pulled double duty, Lesnar erased Stasiak's ass, and Hogan both got the crowd roaring and made a fool of himself-- what more can you ask for?

Well, maybe getting the "F" back. But the show gets a solid A-.

Cheat to win!

Hey, give his site a visit at wwcny.tripod.com, won't you?


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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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