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Something's Missing...
June 11, 2002

by Christopher Robin Zimmerman


Say there, did you happen to catch E.C. Ostermeyer's report of Vincent K. on ByTe ThiS! last week? Something's up, guys. I can't put my finger on it, but I always get funny feelings when Vince does "state of the business" appearances - it's not *desperation* but it's along that same slippery slope. (Was I vague enough for you?)

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14 (- .20, last year: 12.26, two years ago: 17 5/8)

TONIGHT: Two King of the Ring Qualifiers - one is Brock Lesnar vs. Bubba Ray Dudley! Also, Shawn Michaels is in the house - will he speak? Find out in a few!

T(O)N(I)G(HT): "The Pegasus" Hey, can't go wrong with Romulans! A rare "not bad" episode stands out from the oft-turgid Season 7. And didn't we ALL wonder why the Federation hadn't gone ahead and developed a cloak? (No) Oh. Let's move on, then

You're watching THE NEW TNN!

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!

Opening Credits

HARDCOPYRO! Coming atcher LIVE from the Philips Arena in Atlanta, GA 10.6.2, this is the WWE - where they (verb) 'til it's RAW! Transmitido en espanol SAP on TNN & TSN, we waste no time...

RIC FLAIR is out to start the show. Strangely, he's NOT dressed like Hacksaw Jim Duggan. "Last week, I lost a match to Stone Cold Steve Austin - that's right - Stunner - 1, 2, 3. I don't like it...I'm not proud of it...but it happened. One of the stipulations in that match was that the *loser* would become the winner's...assistant. His personal - he would do anything the winner says. I don't like that, and I'm not happy about it, but I came to Atlanta, G-A tonight - to take it like a man. The only problem is, Stone Cold Steve Austin did not show up." Well, hold the phone, BILLIONAIRE VINCE is on RAW. Did Ross just describe his walk as "cocksure?" McMahon takes a mic and here we go. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, I know this is RAW - this is Ric Flair's show - I'm not, I know I'm not supposed to be out here. You see, Ric, just for the record - I created this show almost ten years ago. Now I know you're sorry - I know you're sorry that Austin no-showed here tonight. I can appreciate that. You're sorry that Austin walked out on you - these people are sorry Austin walked out on them - you're sorry, Ric. Oh, you're sorry, you're the sorriest excuse of an owner I've ever seen in my LIFE. Ric...you see, quite frankly what you've done is you've taken this show RAW, the show that I created, and you've driven it right into the toilet. So Ric..." pause for chant "...see, Ric, you may be a sixteen-time world's champion, woo, but as an owner, Ric, as an owner, let's face it: you SUCK." Fans chant "you suck" in the other direction. "I'm sorry that I haven't lived up to your expectations, but since you're out here on RAW talkin' down to me, what do you propose we do about it?" "See, uh, unlike Austin, who didn't have the balls to show up here and look you into the eyes and tell you what he really thought, I do. So not only do you suck as an owner, Ric - I've got a proposal. You see, unlike everybody that's here tonight, I don't have to work for a living. I've got all the money in the world - you look it up - I'm a certified BILLIONAIRE. I don't do what I do for the money, Ric - not anymore - unlike all these people, you see, I do what I do for ego. I admit it - my own ego, Ric. And my own ego cannot stand one further day with you owning one half of what I created. I can't stand it! So, I'm a gamblin' man, Ric. Tonight...I'm proposing that I gamble my LIFE, Ric. 'cause that's what World Wrestling Entertainment means to me - WWE is my LIFE. So tonight, right here, Ric - In This Very Ring, I propose a match between Ric Flair...and me (Vince McMahon). And this match will be 'no holds barred.' And this match will be for ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OWNERSHIP in World Wrestling Entertainment! I don't have a damn thing to lose!" Flair smiles...and slowly removes his jacket. "You - wanta - wrestle - me - for 100% ownership of the entire WWE? Well, let me tell you, you Nature Boy Ric Flair WANNABE - WOOOOO!" Mic dropped, off the ropes, strut, off the other ropes. "You got it! Tonight, and we're gonna bleed, and sweat, and we're gonna pay the price of your - and my - wrestling - lifetime!" Flair drops the mic and sneaks in one more woooo! before the music hits. Man, now I REALLY got me an uneasy feeling about this whole situation...

Let Us Take You Back to 6:03 PM (since the EALIER TODAY graphic is so helpfully precise), when the unblinking eye of the WWF camera caught Nash reading "USA Today" outside the EXCITING door with the "NWO" placard on it! X-Pac arrives. "Hey, Kev!" "It's locked." "Why's it locked?" "Shawn's in there." "What's he doin'?" "Private time." They share a chuckle - and the paper! Show arrives - he'd like to talk to Shawn but again, the door's locked. So he decides to expel some Mexican food in the nearest bathroom. This leaves Booker's arrival - and there it is. "BOOM! What's goin' down, man? Yeah, I came here to talk to the Heartbreak Kid." "It's locked!" "It's locked?" "Yeah, you want some of the paper? Lakers about to sweep!" Dammit, Nash.. "No man, I don't want no paper, man, I want to talk to Shawn, man - Mr. Michaels - about his music. SHAWN, SHAWN, SHAWN, I'm just a sexy boy, I'm just a boy, look man! I *know* I'm sexy! I ain't gotta put it in my music - look, man, I need to go in there and collaboratize on these lyrics, you dig?" "It's 'collaborate,' man, and you need to switch to decaf! Wassup witchoo, man?" "Yeah, yeah, right? You brought him in, right? You brought Mr. Michaels here? You probably like this act, too, right? BOOK, BOOK, BOOK, I'm just a Booker T (BOOOOKER TEEEEEEEE), I'm not yo sucka (SUUUUCKAAAAAAA)...." and he goes off singing "Booker T - sucka" - Nash & 'Pac share another laugh - and the paper!!

SPIKE DUDLEY & TOMMY DREAMER & SHAWN STASIAK (already in the ring) v. X-PAC & THE BIG SHOW (725 pounds - representing the NWO) and BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds - NWO member)
Since we get no entrances on the jobber - I mean, first team side, we might as well split the *second* team's entrances in two, right? We also take time to notice TOUGH ENOUGH 1'S CHRIS NOWINSKI (aka Chris No, aka Harvard Chris, aka Chris Harvard) in the front row before the match starts - hmmm. Dreamer has his bucket, don't worry. 'Pac and Spike start. Lockup, elbow by Dudley, elbow, elbow, knee, into the ropes is reversed, shoulderblock by 'Pac - up and over, 'Pac with a powerbomb for 2. In the corner, 'Pac hits the kick trifecta. Broncobuster coming up - 'Pac adds some punches instead of bouncing. Flair/McMahon tonight! Guerrero/van Dam tonight! Bubba Ray/Lesnar tonight! Dudley pops up and turns the tables - elbow, elbow, into the ropes is reversed, Dudley ducks, tilt-a-whirl into a flying headscissors by Spike, to his corner to tag Stasiak - 'Pac ducks the swing and hits the spinning heel kick - then tags in Show. Well it's the big clothesline. Well it's the big beal. Well it's the big delayed release suplex. We take a look backstage at the nWo locker room, where Michaels and Nash are looking on - Michaels motions to the door and Nash closes it on the camera. Wow, they actually noticed a cameraman! Back to the ring, where Stasiak has been shoved to his corner, so Dreamer gets a tag. Meanwhile, T is in on the other side - Dreamer fakes a barf, causing T to turn his back, then dumps the bucket - but it's only full of Rip Taylor's confetti. Gutshot by Dreamer - DDT - 1, 2, 'pac in to make the save. Lawler asks "Who threw up in there, a clown?" Somehow, all six men end up in the ring - Stasiak tossed - Show presses Dudley to the floor and onto Stasiak - meanwhile, T delivers the Harlem sidekick to Dreamer and covers for the pin (2:50), and is ready to cut off the NWO's music almost immediately. "Cut that music! Wassup Hotlanta G-A? Oh no, I'm not leavin' here until I give the people what they paid to see...the spinnaronai, now hit my music!" And so he goes. Show & 'Pac are dutifully entertained...at least, to his face, they are. Tonight, no holds are barred as Vince McMahon and Ric Flair face off for total control of the WWE! Strange...I don't think they mentioned Austin's name ONCE during this segment.

Catch the WWE live tomorrow in Greenville! Saturday, Honolulu is SOLD OUT! Sunday, Anaheim! Next Monday, Fresno! And a week from Tuesday at the world famous Arco Arena in Sac-town!

Take a gander at the Atlanta skyline - tonight, no holds barred between Vince McMahon and Ric Flair for 100%

Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY & JERRY. The King of the Ring is getting closer - Big Valbowski, Chris Jericho, X-Pac & Booker T have already qualified for the tourney, and more names will be added...

TONIGHT: Rob van Dam vs. Eddie Guerrero in a KOR Qualifier!

TONIGHT: Brock Lesnar vs. Bubba Ray Dudley in a KOR Qualifier!

Backstage, the cameras catch up with a triumphant T, who's talking to...nobody. "That's what I'm talkin' about, man! The Big Teezy, knockin' these suckas straight out the box--" "Psssssst! Booker - Booker!" "Who is that?" Goldust emerges in wrestling garb, gaudy shirt above it, and giant afro. "It's me, Booker - (inhales) - The Undercover Brother." And he clamps on a pipe. "Tell me you didn't just do that, man." "Yeah, I did." "Look, man, I already told you - I tried to get you in the NWO - it ain't happenin'! I gotta go!" "Whoa whoa whoa, I don't wanna join the NWO." "Well whatchoo want?" "Goldust wants Booker T to QUIT the NWO!" "Look, man - I'm over like rover, man - I'm in - I'm NWO, dog!" "I know Shawn Michaels very well, though - if he's the same person that he used to be...well then Book, I'm afraid, my feeling is that your days are numbered in the NWO." "What are you talkin' about?" "Let's just say that Mr. Sexy Boy Toy Shawn Michaels isn't exactly a fan...of...(looks at his hand)...our kind." "Look, man! I AIN'T your kind!" T DOES consult his hand one more time, though

TERRI stands ready to interview Molly Holly. Does she have a personal vendetta against the Women's Champion? "Of course I have, Terri - I mean, she hit me over the head with the title last week! But, I'm over that now. Now, my problem is with you. I'm supposed to take you seriously as a credible journlaist when all I can think about is this - I mean, look at this! You can practically see your nipples! And to think that you have a monthly column called 'RAW Sex?' Ugh! Disgusting! You and Trish, you're just alike - you set a horrible example for women today by exploiting their bodies." In the meantime, Stratus has snuck up behind her. "Wow - what else you got in there?" "Excuse me?" "Sorry to interrupt, but you know it's just that I finally figured oat why you dislike Terri and I so much - I mean, you know, you talk about this and that but really it's, it's 'cause you - you got a big ass!" "What did you just say to me?" "Yeah, you know you talk about morals and about us not doing our Diva thing, and I think the problem is you just, you got a big ass - and...your ass is like an amphitheatre! I mean...it's so big you can show like a whole drive-in movie on that thing! What I'm trying to say, Molly, is that you got a whole lotta junk in your trunk." "So...you're sleazy AND crass. Trish, you don't deserve to be a champion. In fact, you bring that title down. A WWE Women's Champion should be pure, wholesome, and virtuous...like me. So whaddaya say you and I get this over with, and get in the ring?" "Okay, Molly...I'll give you a match tonight - and if you beat me, you get your title shot. But if you lose - well - then you're gonna have to wrestle in one of these" and she pulls her pants down enough for us to see she's talking about a thong. "Fine. I'll see you in the ring!" And as she walks off, she covers her butt with the RAW Magazine. Well, that's just sad.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair is paid a visit by Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit. "C'mon in - hey, guys - what's up." "What's up? Orale, man, what's up? You put half the company on the line, ese? (Espanol) You didn't even consult us as to what's up? Wassup with YOU, Holmes?" "Hey, my brother, I'm out there thinkin' on my feet - McMahon walks out on RAW, insults me, jumps down my throat, I'm'a tell it like it is - besides that, I've been tryin' to make a deal with McMahon for him for weeks - if I win tonight, I run it all--" "What the - wait, wait - IF IF? No - WHEN - WHEN you win - okay, Ric? When." "Yeah, when. But you'd better start worrying about your match with RVD tonight for King of the Ring. Benoit, trust me - I'll be all right." "Well, I really hope so, Ric....I really hope so." Nobody mentions Austin.

GEEEZ how many times does Lita have to drive that car before the pit crew realises IT AIN'T KENNY IN THERE

And now, the WWE Slam of the Week, presented by Burger King! From last week, Bradshaw wins the hardcore championship from Steven Richards

WWE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: BRADSHAW (challenger & hardcore champion - Sweetwater, Tejas - 292 pounds) v. WILLIAM REGAL (champion - Blackpool, England - 240 pounds - with Greenville hype)
referee: JACK DOAN
Bradshaw goes retro, opting for his New Blackjacks getup. Doan gives the extended patdown to Regal but fails to turn up any foreign objects. Here we go! Lockup, Bradshaw backs him into the corner - Doan forces the break. Lockup, side headlock by Bradshaw - Regal powers out, Bradshaw shoulderblock. Regal with a nice leglace drop toehold, floating over into a headlock. Back up, Bradshaw counters with a leg trip that sends Regal into a full flip! Bradshaw goes to work - knee, elbow, elbow, headlock...Regal powers out, drops down while Bradshaw goes over - Bradshaw with a shoulderblock - elbowdrop off the ropes - 1, 2, no. Knee, elbow, into the ropes, head down and Regal kicks him. Regal off the ropes with a running knee. Cover - 1, 2, no. Another forearm on the face - 1, 2, no. 1, 2, Bradshaw kicks out a third time. Double jumpin' knee by Regal puts Bradshaw down. Kneedrop by Regal. Forearm on the chest, European uppercut, again, elbow, elbow, elbow - Doan asks him to take it out of the corner - Regal waves to the crowd. Bradshaw right - right, right, right, right, opposite corner whip, reversal fails and Bradshaw lands a clumsy clothesline. Back to the first corner - this time Regal gets a foot up. Regal wraps up Bradshaw with his own arm and takes him down with a neckbreaker (I need to come up with a name for that someday) for 2. Regal applies the half nelson choke - Bradshaw punches the gut to get out - but runs into the elbow. Regal leaps at him - oh no - that's the COFS for Bradshaw. Regal sent into the ropes - back elbow by Bradshaw - Regal into the corner, follow clothesline, opposite corner, another clothesline, into the ropes is reversed, head down by Regal, clubberin' forearm by Bradshaw, gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, no! Regal put into the ropes - big boot by Bradshaw puts Regal down. At this point, Chris hops the rail - security tries to put him down - in the ensuing distraction, Chris tosses a set of knux to Regal - Power of the Punch connects, and Regal gets the easy pin to retain. (3:42) Regal and Nowitski back up the ramp slowly - eww, they've given him a slicked hairdo and a sweater with a big "H" on it and everything. I *believe* they may be overstating the gimmick for the benefit of the slower viewers.

Trish Stratus is WALKING!

This week on WWE Confidential: Bobby Heenan! YEAH!

New "get the F out" spot - baa

TRISH STRATUS (Women's champion - Toronto, Ontario - with Earlier Tonight) v. MOLLY HOLLY (Mobile, Alabama) in a nontitle match
It's downright deplorable how the focus on this match is on Holly's ass, and in just about the most negative light they can muster. The cameraman helpful provides a "You Are There" shot as Trish tires to knock her off the apron, but ends up on the wrong end of a hot shot. Molly in - hairpull takedown. Lawler: "Caboose like a moose!" Head to the buckle, again, again, stomp. Stomp. "If somebody told Molly to haul ass, she'd have to take two trips!" Into the ropes, Stratus connects with a clothesline - dropkick - elbow, elbow, kick is ducked, and Molly goes back to the hair to turn it back around. Cover - 1, 2, no. "She's obviously been training at Blimpie's!" Another hairpull and Molly rams her head into the mat - twice. Stomp. "I'm not gonna say Molly's ass is big, but she *does* get fanmail from Rikishi!" Ross adds the "golly you sure are funny, King" chuckle and fuck BOTH OF Y'ALL. Stratus sent into the corner, Molly with a tumbling run elbow - leg is hooked - 2. "Molly, I got two words for ya - Thigh Master - lookit her cheeks, JR!" Ross adds that Holly's well-developed in "her...glutemus area." Kick, kick, kick. "She's a real nutritional overachiever there!" Into the ropes, but Stratus counters into a neckbreaker after ducking the clothesline. Both women down. Maybe we'll hear from Shawn Michaels tonight! Stratus blocks - elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow. "I do wanna see Molly in a thong next week, though - YES! I wanna see *anybody* in a thong!" Holly reverses a whip, Stratus wants the Stratusfaction but Holly pulls her up and suplexes her instead. "I've had several wives, JR - three of 'em my own! I actually liked one of 'em!" Holly going up - Molly-go-round, which suddenly nobody knows the name of - 1, 2, 3! (2:28) "She hit Trish with those thunder thighs..." Some writer is really, really lonely these days, I have to guess. For an encore, Molly reveals she still has the pair of panties Trish left with her last week...and chokes her out with them! "Buffy the Puffy Slayer! Ample caboose! Watch old blubber butt come down here." Replay of the finish - and post-match choke. You know, Molly needs to KICK LAWLER'S ASS STAT.

Vince removes his jacket...and turns back to see Arn Anderson. "Tough Guy Double A, what brings you here?" "I'd like to tell ya - you're wrestling toinght? What could you POSSIBLY be thinking? Now, we all know there's not a better business man in the world than Vince McMahon - Ric Flair is not the business man you are - I know it, you know it, he even knows it! But, but lemme get this right - you're gonna roll the dice and risk everything, risk SmackDown! on the chance, the CHANCE, that you can beat Ric Flair in a wrestling match? Are you crazy?" "Ya know, Arn, maybe I am a little bit nuts tonight. I take risk, I'm a gambling man, but I take calculated risk. And you took a calculated risk walking in here." And he shoves him one. "Well all right then, I'll tell you what, Vince - let's just get ready for YER early retirement."

Here's Times Square - and *there's* The World!

KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH: ROB VAN DAM (intercontinental champion - Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds - with RAW Credits & transmitido en espanol SAP & TV-14-DLV & CC AND RAW is brought to you by Snickers, "Eight Legged Freaks," and Stacker 2! - SHEESH) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas - 228 pounds - with RAW is Oakland hype - I'm not going, as far as I know)
referee: CHAD PATTON
"RVD" chant from the start. Feeling out process. Lockup, to the corner - Patton wants the clean break - but he doesn't get it as Guerrero tries a swing - van Dam catches it, they switch positions in the corner and Patton tries a second time to get the break - Guerrero runs in but ends up on the wrong end of an armdrag. Second armdrag by van Dam and he holds on. Guerrero back to his feet - hiplock takeover by Guerrero but van Dam STILL has a hold on the arm - Guerrero with a headscissors - van Dam back, forth, sits back and gets 1, 2, ALMOST 3! Guerrero, finally having freed his arms, quickly grabs an anklelock and leg scissors. No submission, so Guerrero lets go and we're back to square one. Pause for crowd reaction, which isn't too bad. Another feeling out process - Guerrero finally manages to shoot and grab the ankle - going for the STF and getting it - too close to the ropes, though, and van Dam grabs it fast. Everybody back up. We go again - lockup, armbar by Guerrero, takes him down with a leg trip, van Dam nips back up, counters into a hold of his own, adds several kicks while standing on one leg, jumping reverse kick puts him down. Guerrero goes behind, elbows to the head, head to the buckle, elbow, elbow - "ECW" chant breaks out for no apparent reason - into the ropes is reversed, van Dam with the splits to duck Guerrero, then manages a monkey flip, picture goes out - oops - when it comes back, Guerrero is standing over van Dam out on the floor. Guerrero in control - elbow, up the ramp...whip into the apron is reversed and Guerrero hits hard. Scoop slam on the floor - van Dam onto the apron - points to himself - Fivestar frog splash onto the floor!! Stomp by van Dam. Snickers Cruncher provides the replay. Everybody back in - van Dam with a suplex and follows through the motion with a floatover into the cover for 1, 2, no. Elbow, elbow, kick, kick, elbow, elbow, elbow, kick, into the opposite corner, elbow up by Guerrero on the charge - BIG clothesline - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Right, right, kick, kick, van Dam still on his knees - but back to his feet as Eddie shuffles. Right. Right, right, right, right, right, "Eddie sucks" chant starts up. Eddie laying in wait - running boot to the head. Guerrero picks him up, into the ropes, van Dam ducks the first swing but not the second - elbow connects. 1, 2, no. Guerrero to the jujigatame (!) - actually has his shoulders pinned but van Dam bridges up. van Dam tries to roll up but Guerrero grabs the hair and puts him back on the mat. Lawler reminds all the kids that "it's only cheatin' if you get caught - always remember that, kids!" and he and Ross devolve into a very odd conversation. van Dam finally rolls to the ropes as Guerrero is forced to let go. Guerrero stays on him - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Kick to the head. Right, right, right. Death suplex - 1, 2, no. van Dam still can't make it back to his feet unless Guerrero is pulilng his hair. Elbow to the back of the head. Into the ropes, reversal, van Dam with a powerslam! van Dam to the corner - springs up - Guerrero meets him there with a crotchin'. Guerrero up after him - right, right, right, right, on the top rope - pulling up van Dam - SUPERPLEX!! That took a lot out of both men, however - Patton puts on the mandatory ten count. McMahon/Flair later tonight! Guerrero up at six. Forearm in the back - into the ropes, Guerrero with a crucifix...but van Dam steadies himself and hits the forward roll slam, continuing the tumbling run into a springboard moonsault off the second turnbuckle - 1, 2, Guerrero kicks out! While Snickers Cruncher lets you see that again, van Dam is getting busy on Eddie - kick, elbow, elbow, kick, left kick, elbow, into the opposite corner, tumbling run into the points to self monkey flip out of the corner! Guerrero ducks the swing, van Dam on the second rope - fakes him out - to the top for a split-legged moonsault - MISSES! Guerrero adds a seated dropkick and hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO! Guerrero with a right - into the ropes, reversed, Guerrero pressed high, tries a Frankensteiner attempt, but van Dam keeps rolling, 1, 2, van Dam actually completes the cover, 3, everyone's confused! (9:42) Let's check the replay - well, it's just a matter of Patton starting his count too early, but that was probably the way we would have finished... Well, you could *probably* call that a controversial call, as van Dam was still flipping from one cover to another without Patton stopping his count, but the bell rang, the music's playing, the hand is raised and you know, at least it saves you reading three paragraphs of me saying "time limit draw" because we were THAT close to *that* scenario whether the bookers were aware of it or not...which is to say I was kinda hoping a draw would lead to us getting this matchup AGAIN *next* week - ah well.

Backstage, The Undertaker is ... RIDING!

King of the Ring ad - Undertaker/Triple H is hyped

RAW in Oakland gets a local cable system spot - remember, things have to start at 5:30 when they're live on *this* coast!

JONATHAN COACHMAN knocks on the NWO door...but the room must be empty, because Nash & Michaels enter the picture from outside to go in. Michaels says nothing. Coach says he just wanted to get a few words - Nash says Michaels HAS some words, "but he's gonna say it to the people, not you."

THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER rides out, around the ring, parks his Beautiful Bourget Python Bike and climbs into the ring. Taker undoes the Undisputed Championship belt from around his waist, then hands it to a tech outside the ring, demanding he hold it high above his head so everyone can see it. Too cool. "Some people just don't get it! And quite frankly, I'm gettin' tired of repeating myself - I am the WWE Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World! And as Undisputed Champion, I deserve to be treated in a certain manner. Now, I know the people right here in Atlanta, Georgia ("he said Atlanta! YAY!") are not known for bein' very smart ("Hey, wait! BOO!")...but even you people know that I deserve to be treated with *respect.* Now speakin' o' smart, that brings me to Triple H. Triple H is s'posed to be some smart guy - hey, JR - what'd you used to call him? 'The Cerebral Assassin?' Well answer me this - if he's so damn smart, why didn't he know I was lurkin' back there in the shadows waitin' to jump on his ass last Thursday night? You see, what Triple H has to realise is there's blood in the water now, and I am the Great White Shark." HEY! Taker watched E!'s "Jaws: True Hollywood Story" last night!! Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! "Now see, Triple H, by beating Hogan last week on SmackDown!, he thinks that now that he's the #1 Contender that he has a shot o' beatin' me at King of the Ring - well, Triple H, let me make this real clear for ya - the only shot you got at King of the Ring is me walkin' in that the ring and kickin' your face right off your head! Now Triple H, he's not the only one that needs to learn about respect. Now last Monday night, Jeff Hardy...he came in the Yard, he kicked me in my back, and made me land in a pile of human...vomit." Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday. "He KICKED me in the back, and I landed in a pile of human vomit! Now Jeff Hardy, I know you're extreme...and you live for the moment(tm), but what I'm askin' ya now, son - are you ready to DIE in that same moment? Jeff, what I'm sayin' is, we can do this the easy way - and that's you come down to the ring, I slap you around like the little bitch you are..." AHHAHAHAHA I love it "...you show me the proper respect, and I'll let you walk away. But if I gotta come back to that dressing room and hunt you out, I will inflict more pain on you than what you physically thought was possible - I will make you suffer. Now all I wanna know now, Jeff - what's it gonna be? Is it gonna be the easy way, or is it gonna be the hard way?" Long pause. "Well, what's it gonna be?" The music plays...but that's not Jeff, it's MATT HARDY - and he's got a ladder...and a mic. "Hey Taker! This isn't about Jeff - last week, you disrespected Matt Hardy!" "Why don't you come down here and I'll disrespect you again?" JEFF HARDY is up through the crowd - but Taker catches him as he leaps off the top turnbuckle - CHOKESLAM! Matt's in the ring - duck, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Matt ducks, sitout clothesline! Gutshot, wants the Twist of Fate but Taker barrels him into the corner. Matt ducks the soupbone - right, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed - scooped up - Snake Eyes by Taker! Big boot off the ropes and Matt goes down! Last Ride coming up - no, Jeff with a last-second chop block to take down the big tree! Matt adds several punches from the mount - elbowdrop, elbowdrop, elbowdrop - meantime, Jeff's brought in the ladder - ladder clothesline! Ladder clothesline! Matt mounts - right, right, right, right, right, right, elbowdrop, elbowdrop - Jeff's got the ladder in plce - Matt right, right, right, stomp - Jeff on the top turnbuckle, vaults over the ladder and lands the high, high legdrop on Taker! Play their music! They walk off - or limp off, anyway. Sorry Robert, no hanky code from Jeff tonight. Let's take a replay - Taker manages the impressive chokeslam on Jeff, but eventually the numbers do make their presence known. And here's the climax - that legdrop. The last shot we get is of Taker reacting to the replay - he ain't exactly jovial, no sir. Ross: "Somebody's career is about to be executed!" Hmm, I wonder whose!

WWE Shop Zone Dot Com ad

Terri catches up to William Regal and Chris Harvard as they're leaving the arena. "Make it quick! From Tough Enough, no dear, this is Chris Nowitski - he's more than from Tough Enough, he's a Harvard graduate - he's the first person in World Wrestling Entertainment to have a Harvard graduate - to be a Harvard graduate - tell them!" "Well, William, I don't like to brag, but yes - yes, I am. Graduated top 5% of my class, was captain of the football team, and I even had perfect attendance." "Tell them your GPA, it's very impressive." Jeff Hardy enters the picture. "Blank remains unfilled! - Jeff Hardy." then runs into a nearby vehicle and drives off. Chris reax: "That man's like Harvard in the summertime - no class."

KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH: BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 325 pounds) v. BROCK LESNAR (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman - and himself on the cover of the new WWE Magazine)
referee: Robinson
Brock strikes first - five shoulders in the corner, blatant choke, into the opposite corner and Dudley hits hard. Right hand. Knee across the back of the neck, against the second rope for a choke. Lawler and Ross both call Chris Webber "the Man" so I take back every bad thing I've said about them tonight (except that crap about Molly's figure, which is unforgivable). Dudley reverses a whip into the corner and hits an avalanche. Gutshot, swinging neckbreaker. "Bubba - get the table!" Umm, that's illegal in this match, dude. Heyman throws logic out the window and decides to try to punk out Bubba from behind - Bubba turns back, and Heyman gets bleeped on "oh, (shit)!" and does a swandive over the commentary table into Ross' lap, much to his dismay. Lesnar out but Dudley catches him in time - gutshot - head to the commentary table. Whip is reversed, and Lesnar pulls him into a BIG belly-to-belly suplex on the floor! Lesnar takes over - stomp, back into the ring, Snickers Cruncher replay, stomp, stomp, stomp. Into the opposite corner, and Dudley backs into a bearhug. The "Cold beer" eventually chant fades out into the "We want tables" chant. Dudley elbows out of the attempt - off the ropes - caught again but Dudley unleashes a headbutt to get out. Ducks a swing - Lesnar BACK to the bearhug - then reaches down and muscles him over with a gutwrench suplex! Dudley pulls himself up - Lesnar with ANOTHER belly-to-belly overhead release wow. Cover - 2! 1, 2, NO! Dudley sent into the corner - nobody home on the shoulder and Lesnar hits the post. Now it's *Dudley* with a German suplex! Both men are down - Robinson's up to five before both men are up - Dudley right, left, right, left, whip is reversed, head down, kick by Dudley, ducks the swing, big pancake as Lesnar comes off the ropes, left, left, left, flip flop and bionic elbow, ducks another swing, German suplex takes him down - cover - 1, 2, NO! Dudley tries another whip - it's reversed - elbow up by Dudley on the charge. To the second rope - SENTON HITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1, 2, Heyman pokes in and Dudley is fooled into letting off of him! Dudley outside and the chase is on - back in the ring - Dudley with a spear on Lesnar, then pulls Heyman around - good thing he's wearing dark pants (OMG Ross says it as I type it!) Heyman decides he'd better try to defend himself, winds up - Dudley ducks the swing and shoves him into the corner - full nelson applied - but Lesnar is up from behind with the forearm in the back - scoops him up - Move with No Name (I *know* there's a name in the WWE.com RAW report but it's STUPID so I'll pretend it's just a placeholder)! 1, 2, 3! (4:50)

More live dates are coming up! Friday, Albuquerque! Saturday, San Diego! Sunday, Bakersfield! And Monday is RAW in Oaktown!

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight when Vince made a challenge - and Flair accepted. Have you noticed that nobody's mentioned Stone Cold Steve Austin since that first segment? This was how they got rid of Ultimate Warrior the first time, by the way - just never mention him again... I'm worried!

TONIGHT: Mr. McMahon - Ric Flair - No Holds Barred for Ownership of WWE

Vince is limbering up - and we're watching! There's a knock at the door - it's Paul Heyman. "Vince - I know we don't always see eye to eye, but business is business and I know you're gonna win your match with Ric Flair tonight and get total ownership of the WWE. I also know, quite frankly, your mind is on Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well I want you to forget about Stone Cold Steve Austin, 'cause you need to start thinking about the Next Big Thing, Brock Lesnar. Now Vince, don't have your mind on Lesnar tonight - have your mind on Flair - be focused on total and complete ownership of WWE. And once you get total ownership, Vince, you might just wanna give me a call, because have I got an idea for King of the Ring for you!" "I just might do that." "Good!" Well, at least he *mentioned* Stone Cold Steve Austin...

Meanwhile, Nash lets Shawn Michaels out of the NWO dressing room. Shawn has a sip of coffee.... "Now I'm ready." Eww, they're sharing the same cup!

Hey, you know I bet we find out that Kenny was in the *men's room* all along....wow, look at that! And they say I lack hard-hitting analysis!

Neurotica's "Ride of Your Life" is the official theme song of King of the Ring! Coincidentally, folks, Neurotica is the first band signed to the SmackDown! Records label - *hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*

From WWE Confidential, the Rock said "The Rock is comin' back." *HMMMMMMMMMMMM*

Lawler proudly displays his paperback copy of "Can You Take the Heat?" complete with "WWF" logo

MR. WHYSPYR is finally here to skip to the ring and spill the beans (we hope) - yes, they DID find his old pyro, drag it out of mothballs and put it in the ring for his double bicep! Clad in NWO T, black pants and natty beret, will Shawn Michaels finally make use of the live mic? Not before riding out this "HBK" chant! "You know, this is a funny business. Not funny ha-HA, but a funny business nonetheless. You know, back in my day here in the WWF - oh, WW*eeeee*, we had it all! We had garbage men, we had clowns, you name it, we had 'em all runnin' around in this joint! There was, however, one thing that was real, and it was very, very real. And that was me...the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels...the Showstoppah. Night in and night out, I gave you everything I had. Let's face it - I literally gave you my BODY. Then came WrestleMania XIV, and Vince and the boys decided, 'well, Shawn's back is broke, maybe we should go another direction. Maybe we should go with Attitude!' Man, I was Attitude in this place before it was a *catchphrase!* Nonetheless, they decided to put this huge promotional machine behind Stone Cold Steve Austin. And Stone Cold had no problem stealin' my spotlight - but I'm not here to place blame on Stone Cold Steve Austin...as Vince McMahon always says, it's you, the fans of this company that determine where we go as an organisation. So, it was really you fans that dumped me and ran to Stone Cold Steve Austin...like a CHEAP NICKEL-AND-DIME PROSTITUTE RUNS TO A MILLIONAIRE! So that begs the question...why am I here? I can assure you, I'm not here to wrestle! I did that for ya ONCE; rest assured I will never, EVER make that mistake again. A couple weeks ago, I said 'HBK is dead.' And he is! Because each and every one of you KILLED him. There is, however, one man - one man that stood by me through every bit of it. One man... who, when everyone else in this company, everyone else in this industry HATED me with a passion - this man stayed mah friend. When I got kicked to the curb, and I sat at home, this man picked up the phone and he called me. He was there for me. It is my pleasure and my honour to introduce to you my best friend in the entire world and the leader of the NWO, KEVIN NASH!" And there he is, with the rest of the NWO in tow. Hugs between Nash and Michaels. "Now, Big Kev, as I stand here and I look at you...it's hard for me to find the words to describe how proud I am of you. When you came here, you were my bodyguard Diesel! And look at you now...one of the biggest names this industry has ever known. Moreover, you're the leader of the most dominant, the most powerful group the wrestling business has ever seen! But I have to tell ya, as I've sat at home, and I've watched, I've seen the NWO and I've thought to myself...somethin's missin'. Something is making me feel uneasy. And as I stood back and I looked at this picture, I think to myself, 'what stands out?' Well, one thing that stands out JUST a little bit is this seven foot, five hundred pound MONSTER. Easy big man, that's what I love aboutcha! Think about it, who in the world is gonna mess with this group with this seven foot, five hundred pound wreckin' machine watchin' our back? So then I thought, well maybe, maybe it's a lack of focus - and when I think of lack of focus, I think o' you. To say that your short-term memory leaves a little something to be desired would be just a SMIIIIDGE of an understatement - but, you are, without a doubt, the most talented performer in our business today - and I got news for ya, buddy, (hug) you can play on our team any day of the week. So I started to think to myself" SUPERKICKS T!!! "I thought to myself, well YOU'RE the problem! Ya see, you tried to steal the spotlight from the NWO just like Austin tried to steal it from me, just like the Rock tries to steal it from Hunter, and I've got news for ya, from this day forward, absolutely nobody, and I mean NOBODY will EVER steal the spotlight of the NWO again!" Show picks up T and Nash and 'Pac relieve him of his shirt. Four Wolfpac signs meet in the centre of the ring as "Theme from NWO" plays. Give it a replay. Give it several! Damn those RACIST-- oh, just kidding about the racism thing, guys.

UP NEXT: Ownership of the WWE is on the line! Man, you don't think...I mean, surely they're not gonna try to bring the Vince/NWO "inject the poison" thing full circle, are they? I sure hope not! I mean, I'm as big a fan of closure as anybody, but guys, it has to make SENSE, and this is just too convoluted to work....well, you know I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's find out what happens together.

MR. McMAHON (co-owner, SmackDown! - Greenwich, Connecticut - 255 pounds - with Snickers Cruncher presents King of the Ring!) v. RIC FLAIR (co-owner, RAW - Charlotte, North Carolina - 234 pounds) in a No Holds Barred match for 100%, complete ownership of the WWE
referee: EARL HEBNER
Say, is this our first post-split RAW vs. SmackDown! matchup? And if so, isn't THAT ironic. Vince wears his usual black tank and jeans; Flair opts for the red trunks, kneepads and boots. Flair runs to the ring and we're off on the floor - chop, chop, chop, chop - uppercut, uppercut, head to the barricade, chop, chop, McMahon to the eyes to turn it around - right, right, kick, chop by Flair, right by McMahon, running knee, FLair switches positions, tries to clothesline him over the barricade but he ain't budging. So - get this - they redo the spot! How INDY! Flair out after him - chop, now going through the crowd - very brave of McMahon to let Flair grab him by the hair you know...walk, walk, walk, all the way around this section - scoop - and a slam on the concrete! Flair lifts him up by the jowls - chop - and back over the barricade. McMahon put in the ring and they're all in the ring for the first time this match (almost two minutes in) - chop, chop, McMahon with a thumb to the eye - HE scoops up Flair - and a slam! McMahon outside - walks around the commentators, finds the ring bell and goes back inside. Vince runs at Flair, then clocks him with the board of the bell! McMahon and Hebner have a few words - McMahon shoves him away but does let go of the bell. McMahon outside, where Flair has tapped a vein. Right by McMahon, right, right, right, right, into the ringpost, and Flair leaps onto the commentary table. McMahon keys on the cut - right, right, right, Flair's blood all over the place. Right. Flair fires back - gutshot, chop, goes for the chair but Vince chokes him with a cable before he can grab it. Again, McMahon takes Flair to the post - and now to the STEEL steps. McMahon with a running kick to the face - yikes! McMahon puts Flair back in the ring, and follows. Snickers Cruncher of the kick which sure looked like it landed flush. McMahon with a right - Flair with a FLAIR FLOP!! McMahon keying off - right hand and Flair goes down again. Flair slowly back to his feet - McMahon is shuffling - another right hand - hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Flair manages a kick in the guts - chop, chop, chop, left, right, left, right, into the opposite corner is reversed - McMahon with a clothesline. McMahon waits for Flair to get up - and clotheslines him down again. 1, 2, no. McMahon demands he get up - then kicks him right in the nuts! Flair doubles over and goes down - McMahon hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO! McMahon outside again - grabs a chair and comes back in - runs at Flair but Flair gets two boots up! I think Vince managed to part Flair's feet with his head but it still looked good - DOWN GOES VINCE! Flair picks up the chair - WHACK! Flair pulls up McMahon - running kick to the left knee - another kick on the same knee. In the corner, gunshot chop - chop - grabs the leg and drapes it across the bottom rope - sits on the knee - and again. You know, there was ONE other thing I was worried about, and watching ARN ANDERSON walk down to ringside, I'm starting to worry again. Flair parts McMahon's legs and gives him an uppernut - make it double! Flair goes into a .6 Muta strut - grabs the leg and says "Now." Flair walks to and fro - and locks in the figure four! Anderson in the ring - oh no - but praise the Lord he does NOT turn on Flair...all he's doing is laying the verbal smack down on Vince - well now that they've swerved me out of the swerve, it's time for the real story and it's BROCK LESNAR. Anderson's eyes turn to saucers and he backs out of the ring and back up the ramp. Lesnar with an elbowdrop on Flair - picks him up and gives him The Move with No Name. Lesnar & Heyman go up the ramp after Anderson while McMahon hooks the leg...1, 2, 3. (9:01) Lawler breaks into a standing ovation as McMahon leaves the ring and limps up the ramp. "It's MINE! It's MINE! It's all mine!" Credits are up. Ross: "Satan...is back...in business!"

I've got a whole different kind of bad feeling about THIS.



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
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RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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