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Don't Miss a Minute
August 13, 2002

by Christopher Robin Zimmerman


COUNTDOWN TO SAD: Thanks to Steve Gerweck (go go gerweck.net!), we now know for sure that Steve Blackman's contract expires in October. Why hasn't he signed an extension yet? (He wasn't offered one?) Aw...

I GET LETTERS: You know OO is REALLY starting to catch on when I start getting feedback like *this*, from Sjostromjr: Your column sucks.You need to find Filas,kiss his ass at least a hundred times,and ask him to teach you how to write a piece with with some writer input.If I need play-by-play,I'll listen to J.R. Lee used his E-mail as a critique as well as a source of information.I am thinking that my rant here is a waste of time,so go ahead,hit delete.

Consider it DONE.

QUICK QUOTE: WWE 10.10 (+ .38, last year: 12.05, two years ago: 19 7/16)

TONIGHT: What better way to create a bona-fide main event anywhere in the country than by shoehorning two burgeoning feuds into one big tag team matchup? Well, that's GOTTA be the reasoning behind the hype for tonight's show's Bubba Ray Dudley & Ric Flair vs. Big Show & Chris Jericho COLLISION! Also, don't miss SummerSlam when Triple H takes on Shawn Michaels! I'm sure (I hope) they'll tell us why THAT'S included here coming right up...

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Ugly Mug

MOMENTS AGO: KING BROCK LESNAR & IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL proudly displayed their ticket stubs on their way to the front row! OH BOY SMACKDOWN! TALENT ON RAW AND I'M GETTING ALL CAPS EXCITED

Opening Credits - sometimes I think they'll ALWAYS refuse to see the change in me, WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP

SNAPPYRO! More or less LIVE from the Key Arena in Seattle, WA 12.8.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on The New The National Network (and The Sports Network) this is WWE RAW! I hope the arena isn't *literally* on fire...

Folks at The World as well

Backstage, Eric Bischoff doesn't give a damn if they DO have tix - they don't belong on this show. At the first sign of them screwing up, he wants them thrown out! Dammit!

TRIPLE H RETURNS! leads off our show. I notice that the Bischoff pic affixed to the commentary table has been replaced with a large RAW logo - that's interesting, but I'm not sure why. Lesnar is clad in "Hulkamania" T-shirt, the psychological implications of which I'll also leave to others to speculate - but this one's probably easier to crack. Wow, H actually hits the ring without doing his "whale's blowhole" spot, but that may just be out of desire not to mess up his PRETTY shirt and slacks! Heyman applauds, Brock already looks bored. "Yeah, that's what I heard all week long - I've heard people tell me how disappointed they were and how upset they were that I would attack my best friend, Shawn Michaels...let me set the record straight for you people, Shawn Michaels and I were never best friends. I used Shawn Michaels to get to the top, just like Shawn Michaels used me to STAY at the top. You see, 'cause all o' this, all of this right here, this is just a game - this is just a business, and the fact is, I'm the better businessman. You see, because I've held more world titles, I've headlined more pay-per-views, I've sold out more arenas than Shawn Michaels could ever have hoped to do on his best day. I am better than Shawn Michaels was even in his prime." Long pause. "That's the sound right there, that sound, people chanting 'Triple H, Triple H,' you don't think I heard that crap three weeks ago when that DX music hit? I heard each and every one of you erupt. And that's why I did it, that's why I did it, Shawn, because it's that same sickening sound that's been eating away at me for the last eight damn months. That sound, 'Tri-ple-H - Tri-ple-H' - that made me sick, that made me soft, that made me weak to the point where I would get beat by a piece of crap like Hulk Hogan...but the fact is, and you can boo that all you want, but the fact is, I'm no different than any o' you. Because the reality is, you used me. Each and every one of you used me, and I gave you just a little bit of myself every day, and every day that I gave you more of myself, I got weaker. Well, it all stops today, right here, right now, it all stops. And if you're pissed off, it's because I'm tellin' ya the truth, just like I'm telling Shawn Michaels the truth when I tell him that I am coming to SummerSlam not to fight him, not to defeat him, but I am coming to maim you, Shawn. I am coming to end your career, I've done it before, In This Very Ring I have ended careers..." - Ross can't say "Mick Foley" fast enough - "...yours will be no different. Shawn, you wanna tell your son, you wanna show your son what it means to be a man? Then when this is all said and done, Shawn...you take your son, and you put him in your lap while you're sitting in your wheelchair, and you point out to him what a real man looks like. You point me out to him on TV, Shawn. Shawn, at SummerSlam--" Just in time to keep the crowd from REALLY picking up the "What?" chant, THE ROCK interrupts at this point. Lesnar appears to perk up as well. "Finally, The Rock HAS COME BACK to Seattle!" "Rock E!" Rock starts the slow walk down the ramp. "You know, Brock Lesnar, you wanna play games with The Rock? Ya think you wanna play mind games, is that what you wanna do? You think you're real smart, Brock Lesnar, why, because you came down here and you brought yourself a front row ticket? You and that big fat walrus so he could cheer you on? But you see, you're real smart, Brock, 'cause you do have a front row ticket, but you've also got another ticket, and that's to a big brahma bull ass whoopin', not yesterday, no no no no no, no no, no no no no no no, no, the ass whoopin' is not yesterday, it's not tomorrow, the brahma bull ass whoopin' is toinght! So, Brock--" "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa hoa whoa whoa whoa hey ho! Who the hell do you think you are? Huh?" "Who is The Rock? Who is The Rock? Oh, you should know who The Rock is, you interrupt The Rock, The Rock'll be the guy to get in that ring, tighten his shoes and whup your ass! Or maybe you don't remember, you and The Rock, Triple H and The Rock, well The Rock, let The Rock break it down for you: The Rock, the most electrifying man in sports and entertainment; The Rock...The Rock, brahma bull, great one, People's Champ, and oh - to say the least, The Rock is something you're not, Undisputed Champion, so shut up, bitch. So Brock Lesnar--" "Ho ho ho ho hey ho ho...ya left out one thing there, superstar. Ya left out one important thing - ya left out the fact that if you DO lace up those little sneakers real tight, and walk up those stairs, you're the guy that's gonna get..." "Ass hole!" "...you are the guy that is gonna get everything including his little sneakers laced up real tight, you're the guy that's gonna get his ass kiced, you walk in this ring." Rock puts the belt on his shoulder, tosses the mic, catches the mic, and walks into the ring. "Okay okay okay! But let The Rock understand this big shot. You wanna go? Is that what you wanna do, Triple H? You and the The Rock, Triple H, one more time, do you wanna...go?" "I would LOVE to go." "Well then go get The Rock a baloney sandwich 'cause this doesn't con...cern you." H drops his mic and there they go - right by H is blocked, right by Rock, right by H, right by Rock, H, Rock, H, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock...running start on the clothesline - Lesnar over the rail and onto the apron...Rock grabs at HIM but that only makes him a sitting duck for the forearm in the back by Triple H. Gutshot - Pedigree! Security helps Lesnar find his way out of the building, probably just a moment too late as far as The Rock is concerned. Ross finds this opening segment momentous, going so far as to drop an "oh my God." And THANK God that we now have an ad break just so I can catch my breath!

We - and Rock - are in Bischoff's office when we return. Bischoff's already kicked out Lesnar and Heyman, so Rock wants Triple H instead. Bischoff says he can't make a commitment like that, Rock threatens to wipe a monkey's ass or something, and Bischoff says he'll see what he can do. "Find a way."

TRISH STRATUS (Toronto, Ontario) and SPIKE DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 150 pounds - with Earlier Tonight) v. MOLLY HOLLY (Women's Champion - Mobile, Alabama - with Foot Locker Replay) and CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI (Cambridge, Massachusetts - 260 pounds) in sticky, gooey intergender action
Stratus asks for the mic. "Howard - uh, I have something for you." And she slaps him (it misses, but Howard sells like a champ). "THAT was for Lilian." OOH INSIDER! Earlier Tonight, this conversation was captured backstage betwixt Nowinski, Spike and the coffee. "Just answer the question - you've dated Molly and yet you could never...seal the deal?" "Whatever you say, dude." "C'mon! The bases were loaded, there was nobody out, you had a 3-0 count, you're telling me even with those odds you couldn't...score? Well, before long, Molly Holly's gonna be *my* vale-DICK-torian." Your Foot Locker Replay is of Trish's slap. Men start - lockup, knee by Nowinski, forearm in the back, scoop...and a slam, snap suplex, death suplex, offers the tag to Molly and she takes it - cover - 1, 2, no. Spike holds up...Molly with a slap - Spike catches the kick, single leg trip - WOW catapult into Nowinski, taking him to the floor. Tag to Stratus! But she runs right into a clothesline from Holly. Holly off the ropes - Stratus with the Japanese arm drag - dropkick - chop, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed into a BIG BOOT from Nowinski! Holly with two handfuls of hair. 1, 2, no. Stratus into the ring, head down, kick by Stratus...but she lands in her corner and tags out. Nowinski quickly grabs Stratus - scoop...and a slam. Scooped up again - unkind words for Spike - Stratus down the back, kicks the back of his leg - sets him up and there's the Stratusfaction! Tag to Spike - Spike ducks, flying forearm, bulldog off the ropes, whip into the ropes is reversed, Spike tries a crossbody but Nowinski catches him - sat up on top - forearm - climbs up - Spike right, right, shoves him off, PERRO AGUAYO, covers, 1, 2, Molly breaks it up with a dropkick! Spike grabs Holly's hair and whips her into a big kick from Stratus. Molly goes outside - Trish tries a baseball slide dropkick but Holly isn't paying attention, so instead she slides out and rams her head into the apron. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Nowinski stops Spike in mid-Dudley 'dog attempt, double underhook, twisted into a slam, cover, 1, 2, 3. (3:07) Nowinski goes out to raise Molly's hand. Fink's apparently asleep at the switch and doesn't announce a winner. We immediately move on to

SummerSlam ad - Shawn Michaels/Triple H hyped

And now, the WWE Slam of the Week, presented by Burger King! From last week, Bischoff sics Jamal & Rosie on Lilian Garcia (thanks partly to The Fink)

Commentators wish Mae, Moolah and Lilian well. Lawler tries like hell to get "Howard the Coward" over.

Eric Bischoff is WALKING! "Hey Eric!" It's Goldust. "(inhale, bite) Booker T - Lance Storm tonight - oh have I got an idea for you - if Booker T wins tonight, then how about you - Eric the Almighty Bischoff - give the B. Teezy and Goldust a shot at the WWE tag team championships at SummerSlam. What do you think of that?" Bischoff likes it and gives it to him. "What the hell - get offa me, ya little freak!" See, MiniDust is humping his leg....ah ha ha. Bischoff takes off, spying Rob van Dam...

To the ring. "Ladies and gentlemen, in case you don't know who I am, I am the lead ring announcer on RAW, 'THE FINK' HOWARD FINKEL. I am the very first employee of this great organisation, and for the past twenty-five years, nobody, and I mean nobody has done it better in this ring than me. However - however, at this time, I do want to issue an apology to my friend and co-worker Lilian Garcia. Lilian, I'm truly sorry - sorry that you didn't get what was coming to you SOONER than last week! Let's face it - Lilian is such a ditz - you know, ever since she's been here, I've had to swallow my pride watching her work in this ring - but ya know somethin'? That's a HELL of a lot better than what YOU had to swallow to get your job here!" At this point, the Kane pyro hits and Fink does a fear flop. "The Fire Still Burns" spot fills the video screen....but there's no sign of Kane...this week. Hey, remember that Howard Finkel/Tony Chimel feud? Surely Russo & Ferrara's finest hour, it was. Hmm, I wonder who thought up THIS thing, hoo hoo.

Backstage we go once again, where Bischoff is shaking van Dam's hand...and ignoring the Hardy Boyz. Turns out that the "legal papers" Bischoff intercepted from SmackDown! were contracts for van Dam's guaranteed intercontinental title rematch - Stephanie wanted to shred it but thanks to Stacy Keibler, Bischoff has it again. Finally, Matt Hardy interrupts. "Sorry, what was your name again?" "Matt...with two T's." "Okay, Matt with two T's." "You know, not to interrupt, and no slight on Rob, but you know, Rob did lose the intercontinental title - how about you give ME a shot at the title?" "Yeah, but he was GUARANTEED the shot." "Well, if he was guaranteed the shot, how about you give me a shot at the guaranteed shot?" "Why don't I, why don't I just give it to everybody, I mean why not your brother Jeff?" "I asked first." Ha! "I tell you what, I got a better idea - I got a coin - tails, you get the shot at RVD - Jeff, heads, you get it." That sounds fair." Bischoff fails to flip the coin. "Heads. Jeff, you got it - Rob - have a good match." "That wasn't a flip!" "See ya later, Matt with two T's!" Man, nothing screams out MONEY like when they try to act out on TV what's been reported in the sheets

Elsewhere, Big Show and Chris Jericho discuss strategy. They'll meet Bubba Dudley and Ric Flair later tonight!

Tough Enough 2/Stacker 2 ad

WWE live events coming up! Saturday, Terra Haute; Sunday, Evansville; RAW is Norfolk and sold out; Friday, Youngstown; Saturday, Trenton; and SummerSlam is Uniondale!

LANCE STORM (Calgary, Alberta - 230 pounds - with Christian) v. BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds - with Goldust & Minidust)
referee: CHAD PATTON
In an uncharacteristic homage to Lilian Garcia, Fink introduces Christian as if *he* were the one competing in this match - then almost steps all over T's wall of flames. (Wow, seeing Kane's vignette really affected him!) Umm, nice save. Un-Americans now not only have their upside down American flag, but also *shirts* with upside down American flags - Ross can hem and haw about this all he wants, but the truth is no amount of hollow-ringing verbal hand-wringing is going to make the WWE look any better about doing this...and if they're actually stupid enough to try to SELL these shirts on the website, God help 'em. I mean, come on - if you had to pick, this isn't exactly the issue *I* would choose to make attempts to have it both ways with. Of course, I'm only some clown writing about shows on the Internet. HERE WE GO: Storm throws his shirt at T. T should put it on upside down, but he just throws it aside instead. Lockup, arm wringer by T, wring, wring, Storm grabs the rope, Patton forces the break. "USA!" chant. Lockup, hammerlock by T, Storm shoves him to the corner, shoulder to the gut, shoulder, shoulder, back elbow, right, forearm in the back, side headlock, T powers out, Storm up and over, hiptoss by T, clothesline, scoop...and a slam. Into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick by T - Harlem sidekick is ducked and T straddles the rope! Storm with a forearm that takes T to the outside. Goldust tries to help him back in - Storm stomps. Head to the buckle. Forearm in the back. Chop, chop, into the ropes, heel kick, 1, 2, no. Storm applies the chinlock - no, he elbows the back. Head to the buckle. Right, chop, chop, T first back, right, switches position, slap, chop, slap, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, T up and over with the crisscross rollup, 1, 2, no. Storm with a clothesline. Mount, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. "USA!" Storm with a suplex. 1, 2, no. Storm with a neck vice, then steps on the back of T's knee. Goldust starts up the "USA" chant again. T back to his feet - gutshot - gutshot - gutshot - Storm rakes the face. Into the ropes, T ducks, T with a flying jalapeno! "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, clotheslined down, into the ropes, dropkick, flapjack, consults his hand...and breakdances back to his feet! Storm up - gutshot by T - off the ropes and ohh Christian ankles him. Storm with a rollup, grabs the tights - 1, 2, NO! As T kicks him off, Storm runs into a right hand by Goldust! Christian tries to run in on him but Goldust meets HIM with a right - meanwhile, T is off the ropes with the axe kick to Storm - cover - 1, 2, 3! (4.147 Storms) TEST is out with a forearm and repeated rights - Goldust tries to help and now THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER is out as well - Test runs backstage first chance he gets, while Goldust and Booker T chase away Christian and Storm - T and Storm up the ramp, Goldust and Christian over the barricade and through the crowd - Minidust tries to follow but has some trouble climbing over the barrier. Too bad he didn't just pull his GUN...ohhhhhh

Fleer WWE trading cards ad

When we return, THE WIFESWAPPER has come out and joins Minidust in the ring, and presumably sic Jamal & Rosie on him. "...but you wanna know something? The real reason that I wanted you to be here right now is because I have a very special announcement for two of your closest friends. You see, tonight in the main event, it's gonna be one of the biggest main events in the history of RAW: and eight man tag. That's right - featuring two of your best friends. You see, it's going to be none other than the Un-Americans and Triple H against Booker T, Goldust, The Undertaker...and The Rock! That's why - that's why RAW is a superior product. That's why RAW will ALWAYS outperform SmackDown! - because I (Eric Bischoff) give the people what they want. And you know what these people want? They want Minidust. That's right, you were pretty good during the commercial break, but...and by the way, that little French poodle thing on my leg back in the locker room area? That was - that was interesting, but...let's see you entertain the masses here live, let's see what you got. How about a cartwheel, c'mon. Give it up for 'im!" 'dust does his Bam Bam Bigelow impersonation. "Oh yeah, that was great, that was great, but...we can go better than that, how about...a spinaroonie? C'mon!" And there it is - not too great. "You know what? That was really good, and...well, I'd have to say that you quit entertaining me...just about three minutes ago, my friend." Sure enough, JAMAL & ROSIE hit the ring. They sandwich 'dust, then each man picks up and end and they spike him from ten stories high. And now...a top rope powerslam! Bischoff affects mock outrage. "You guys are outta CONTROL - really, I mean you stepped way over the line. I - I didn't want you to do THAT. C'mon, you guys are outta here, now - go to your rooms, really - go to your rooms, you guys - outta control, really." They all leave him lying. "But now - for some REAL entertainment - may I introduce my newest acquisition from SmackDown! to RAW - STACY KEIBLER!" Stacy strips off her skirt to reveal a pair of red panties - this leads to Lawler's voice going up about six octaves. Meanwhile, GOLDUST has returned to helplessly watch the assembled REFS & EMTs tend to Minidust in the ring.

UP NEXT: Bubba Dudley & Ric Flair vs. Big Show & Chris Benoit!

This just in - Lawler is still horny. Ross characterises Lawler's behaviour as "oogling" - I haven't heard that word before

Boy there sure are a lot of "Oblivious" ads tonight

The WWE Rewind is brought to you by Foot Locker's House of Hoops! From last week, Jericho chairs van Dam, Flair chairs Jericho, van Dam pins Jericho

CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds - with Fozzy hype) and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds - with RAW credits, transmitido en espanol, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 294 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) and RIC FLAIR (Charlotte, North Carolina - 234 pounds)
referee: Robinson
Did Bubba REALLY just lose 31 pounds from his announced weight like that, or did Fink just make up a number to see if we were paying attention? Also, is this ANOTHER week that they just put Flair out there without any interview time? That'd be just like having a show about Ozzy Osbourne where he doesn't SING! (Hey wait.) It's Jericho and Flair to start. After some strutting by Flair, Jericho runs into a drop toehold. Flair with a hiplock takeover. Jericho back up - Flair with a "woooo!" and Jericho backs up. Another strut! We go again. Lockup, to the corner - Robinson wants the break but Jericho punches - chop! Chop! Chop! Into the opposite corner, Flair bounces out and Jericho gives him the back body drop. "Oh yeah! I'm the King of the World!" Elbowdrop and nobody's home. Flair puts Jericho into the corner, but Jericho gets the elbow up - so Dudley chops him instead. Dudley runs the apron, putting Jericho into the ropes - and Jericho bounces into a big chop from Flair! Strut, tag. Shoulderblock by Dudley. Even Ross takes issue with "announced at 294!" Into the ropes, clotheslined down, head to the buckle, open-handed slap, into the opposite corner, Jericho steps aside and puts Dudley over the top and out. Jericho tags out - Show goes over to Dudley and throws him in before Dieseling his way into the ring. Show palms Dudley's head and puts him into the corner. Pulled out and shoved back into the corner and Show follows with a clothesline. Into the opposite corner and Dudley's down again. Show walks over Dudley's back. Well it's the big headbutt. Into the ropes, scooped up - and there's a powerslam. Flair made the blind tag, though, and climbs to the top...Jericho moves over to keep Flair from actually trying to remember what he does next - occupying him until Show can grab him and throw him back into the ring. Into the ropes - press - and drop. Flair is up with a chop - chop - but he's not in command here. Well it's the big chop. Well it's the big suplex. Flair sells it like nobody's business. Jericho wants in and gets the tag - Show holds him up as Jericho shuffles into a flurry of right hands. Elbowdrop, elbowdrop, strut (!), elbowdrop. 1, 2, Dudley breaks it up. Jericho chokes Flair on the second rope for 4. Off the ropes...but Flair is out and Jericho straddles the middle rope! Both men are down - HOT TAG TO BUBBA! Clothesline! Jericho ducks the next one but Dudley gives him a back body drop. Avalanche in the corner. Show tries to run the apron but Dudley ducks and Jericho eats the clothesline - Dudley shoves him off the apron - Jericho sneaks in a schoolboy and puts two feet on the ropes - 1, 2, no! Into the ropes by Dudley, head down, Jericho kicks - Jericho off the ropes, Dudley with a spinning sidewalk slam - 1, 2, Show breaks it up. All four men in - Flair chops Show, chop, chop, off the ropes...caught...and press slammed by Show. Dudley runs into a scoop...but frees himself and shoves Show out of the ring. Sidewalk slam for Jericho - 1, 2, NO! Dudley's unhappy - whip, reversed, duck, left by Dudley, left, left, flip flop and elbow. There's a look in his eyes..."Bubba! Get the table!" Oops, ran right into a goozle - ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. Flair is finally to his feet, grabbing Show's ankle - but he shakes him off with ease. Back in the ring - Lionsault - meets the knees! Flair again tries to help - Show pulls him out and puts him into the barricade...Show with a running start - Flair upends him over the barricade! Unfortunately, Robinson is so busy watching *this* that he completely misses Jericho escape the full nelson when his trick knee acts up. Double leg - Walls of Jericho - and Bubba Tough taps out. (7:28) Flair back in the ring and Jericho is on him - right, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow. "I'm the King of the World!" So Flair pulls off his pants...revealing some black trunks and white legs. Show hits the ring and Flair takes off. Play his music!

TONIGHT: The Undertaker & The Rock & Booker T & Goldust vs. The Un-Americans & Triple H!

When we come back, JONATHAN COACHMAN attempts to get a word from Chris Jericho. "Embarrassing moment at the hands of Ric Flair, embarrassing, you think it's embarrassing, Ric Flair thinks it's funny that he pulled down my pants and strutted around woooo! woooo! like a jackass? Huh? I don't find it funny at all, and I'm gonna show you how funny I find it. Flair thinks he's the greatest of all time? I'm gonna prove that I'm better. I'm gonna show what a multidimensional, multi-talented superstar does. First off, next week my band Fozzy is going to play live right here on RAW - that's multitalented. Secondly, at SummerSlam, Flair, I'm challenging you to a match to settle this once and for all! To prove that you are nothing more than what I say you are, which is a washed up has-been, and to prove that I am exactly what I say I am, and that is the true KING of the WORLD!"

Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY. We've learned so much about SummerSlam tonight! Somehow this leads to

Here's a Special Video Look at Shawn Michaels - hey, remember Shawn Michaels?

The graphic don't lie - at SummerSlam, it's Triple H taking on Shawn Michaels!

In split-screen, Steven Richards is WALKING! while Tommy Dreamer is WALKING!

Commentators shill "Oblivious" - the sneak peek is NEXT! Remember folks, "Are you oblivious?" can just as easily apply to the WWE!

WWE HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: TOMMY DREAMER (champion - Yonkers, New York - 234 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Month) v. STEVEN RICHARDS (challenger - Waterford, Connecticut - 230 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Heat)
referee: JACK DOAN
Nice to see that Dreamer hasn't seen fit to replace the Tejas flag plate on the hardcore title yet - or that the WWE has planned far enough ahead to HAVE a replacement ready (did they think Bradshaw was gonna hold this title for the rest of his life? C'mon) - we are told that the participants have each agreed to only use one international object in tonight's match: Dreamer has opted for the "we no longer call it a kendo stick" Singapore cane, while Richards (new announced hometown) brings his new best friend the STEEL chair. Fencing match to start - finally, Dreamer catches Richards off guard by throwing his title belt at him - Richards manages to dodge it but it leaves him in perfect position for the side Singapore legsweep. STICK! STICK! Into the ropes, Richards hooks the ropes to get out - but Dreamer busts the cane over him on the way out. Ross can't wait for that colossal eight man tag team matchup, so he talks about IT instead. Richards manages to take advantage as Dreamer tries to come back in after going out to roll him back into the ring, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, into the ropes, hiptoss blocked and Dreamer hits a neckbreaker. Lawler decides to talk about Stacy. Cue the onsale crawl. Dreamer goes for the chair, so Richards grabs the cane. Richards to the shin - back of the legs - again - grabs the chair and sets it up in the centre. Knee driven to the chair. Richards off the ropes and kicks the bottom of the chair into his knee again. Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Richards grabs the knee and drives it into the mat one more time. In the corner, leg draped over the second rope, grabs the cane, WHACK! Running start - Dreamer out and Richards straddles the buckle. Both men up - right by Richards, right by Dreamer, Richards, Dreamer, Richards is blocked, Dreamer puts him down with HIS right, right, ducks a clothesline, spinebuster, 1, 2, Richards is out. Dreamer has the chair...drops it. Going for the DVD on the chair, but Richards slips out and gives him the Stevenkick! Rather than pin him, though, Richards picks up the chair and CLOCKS Dreamer with it. Richards climbs the buckles - Dreamer is up and shoves him into a straddle..then pulls him back in the Tree of Woe - Dreamer climbs to the second rope and stands on Richards' nuts. Eep. Chair to the face...Dreamer gets a gimpy headstart and dropkicks the chair. Dreamer says "ahhhhhhhhh!" - gutshot - DDT does NOT happen, though, as Richards shoves him into the chair and hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Foot Locker Replay of the dropkick. Dreamer blocks the cane with the chair - chair to the head - 1, 2, 3. Champ retains. (3:33)

Here's footage of the WWE Global Warning Tour in Australia. They set an attendance record with 56,734 into the Colonial Stadium...but fear not, I hear Kylie Minogue is gonna break that THIS week.

UP NEXT: Rob van Dam - Jeff Hardy - intercontinental title shot - NEXT!

SummerSlam ad - Brock/Rock hyped - mostly Brock

Exterior shot of Seattle's Key Arena, where - shockingly - the skies are blue

JEFF HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 218 pounds - with Lita is at The World! - and RAW is brought to you by Whacko Tobacco, Snickers, and Castrol GTX High Mileage!) v. ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds) for an intercontinental title shot at SummerSlam
Hardy has managed to douse himself with JUST enough water to make all his body paint run, in turn causing him to look as if he were trying out for the Blue Man Group. Lockup, gobehind by van Dam, elbow by Hardy off the ropes, leapfrog by van Dam, up and over by Hardy, van Dam in position to try the monkey flip but Hardy stops, grabs his legs and hits the split-legged legdrop for 2. Right by Hardy, right, into the corner, Ross tries calling one of these guys "Benoit" AGAIN, van Dam tries to go up and over but Hardy has stopped short - dropkick is caught, though, and van Dam gives Hardy a WOW Catapult into the buckle, then springboards into a kick for 2. van Dam is now wearing as much body paint as Hardy is. van Dam stomps. Elbow. Into the ropes, head down, Hardy kicks him - van Dam ducks a swing, kick caught, enzuigiri ducked, Hardy's kick caught, Hardy's mule kick connects. van Dam outside - Hardy outside...s-l-o-o-o-w barricade run and van Dam meets him at the end, sweeping his leg and sending Hardy crashing to the floor. van Dam up first - gently placed over the barricade (DAMN those unflattering camera angles!), then van Dam is up to the apron - points to himself - and spins into the guillotine. Patrick's had enough of this and goes outside to tell them to stop doing everything on the outside before he gets to ten, by golly, he means it! van Dam stomps, puts Hardy back in at five, climbs to the top, unleashes ANOTHER kick - off the ropes and Rolling Thunder connects - leg is hooked, 1, 2, no! van Dam applies a head scissors...and adds an armbar. Hardy rolls to a headstand and squeezes out. Forearm in the back by Hardy - whip is reversed but Hardy stairsteps up - Gay in the Gay connects! 1, 2, no. Hardy with a right, van Dam fires back with an elbow, Hardy, van Dam, van Dam kicks, Hardy shot into the ropes, hiptoss blocked and countered with a DDT - van Dam with the headstand sell! Hardy declines to cover, however, climbing to the top as we take the Foot Locker Replay...sure enough, Hardy's taken too long and van Dam is back up and meeting him with a kick - right hand - right, right, right, climbing to the top rope...Hardy with a shot to the side, again, shoves him off - and right into Patrick (oh no). Hardy up top - swantonbomb...MISSES!! MATT HARDY is out now - you all know what's coming - Twist of Fate on Jeff. Matt leaves to boos while van Dam leaps to the top and gives Jeff the Fivestar frog splash. Cover, Patrick wakes up - 1, 2, 3. (5:06) I wonder what Lita thinks of this. Well, the director doesn't - we get a replay of the Twist of Fate...and frog splash instead.

TONIGHT: Four guys - four more guys - the biggest eight man tag in RAW history (well, I don't know about that) is NEXT!

SmackDown! ad (huh?) - Brock Lesnar faces Rikishi! (HUH? They advertise a main event AHEAD OF TIME? WHOA)

TERRI interviews the Un-Americans. She asks Storm how he feels about his loss setting up a tag team title defense at SummerSlam, but Christian directs the mic his way. "We're looking FORWARD to it. And you know something - it turns our stomachs to see people like Booker T and Goldust, with their...their jive talking and their freakish behaviour become heroes to millions of American youth. You know, with heroes like that, it's no wonder this country has become the United States of Embarrassment!" Terri starts to try to stick up for America, but Test interrupts. "Excuse me! Were we done talking? Why don't you try to control your American instinct of being rude and ignorant - shut up - and let us finish what we were gonna say? Now speaking of SummerSlam, I just finished speaking with Eric Bischoff, and he just gave me something that I've always wanted since I signed here at RAW - and that's a one-on-one match with The Undertaker. At SummerSlam, I may be coming into Taker's yard - but it's gonna be me who buries the so-called American Badass." "And as for tonight, we get a little bonus. 'cause not only do we get our hands on our three respective targets for SummerSlam, we get a shot at another obnoxious affliction of American society - The Rock. And Rock, just like America, your foundation is CRUMBLING."

A camera has caught up with Eric Bischoff, who is putting a power stride into the production truck. Clock says "7:46:09" so maybe this actually IS live! "Kevin! Kevin Dunn, what the hell was THAT?" "It....it was the Un-Americans!" "Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh not that - moron! I'm talkin' about the SmackDown! promo!" "Whoa whoa whoa, that was not us, that rolled in commercial break, we had nothin' to do with that." "I don't wanna hear your excuses - commercial break? Stephanie McMahon. That bitch. I'll tell you what, she wants to promote a main event... on MY show? I'LL promote a main event. Next week, right here on RAW: Triple H versus The Rock. THAT'S a main event."

Tough Enough/Stacker/ad # 2

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where Brock Lesnar distracted The Rock *just* long enough for Triple H to sneak in the Pedigree

TRIPLE H (Greenwich, Connecticut - 273 pounds - with Foot Locker's House of Hoops presents SummerSlam in thirteen days!) and THE UN-AMERICANS (Canada - 736 pounds) v. BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds) and GOLDUST (Hollywood, California - 250 pounds) and THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER (Houston, Texas - 305 pounds) and THE ROCK (Undisputed champion - Miami, Florida - 275 pounds)
referee: EARL HEBNER
We were too soon to celebrate - H gets his full entrance (complete with whale blowhole spot) THIS time around. T thinks about cueing the wall of flame but remembers at the last second he already used it tonight and stops himself. Hahaha, FLAMES cost MONEY folks. Entrances manage to eat up about five minutes. HEY! REMEMBER WHEN Lance Storm beat The Rock? NEITHER DO THE WRITERS! HEY! REMEMBER WHEN Booker T. and Test teamed up to win the tag team championship? NEITHER DO THE WRITERS! HEY! REMEMBER *just last week* WHEN Triple H and the Un-Americans had that friction? NEITHER DO...well, you get the picture. Continuity is a BITCH. We got Goldust on one side...and it looks like we'll get Christian on the other. Ross uncomfortably wedges in a mention that more teenage boys watch RAW than any other program on cable television - well, sure, you don't expect them to be watching "Rugrats," and Anna Nicole ain't exactly as pud-pullin'-worthy as she used to be (no offense meant to our more zaftig audience, naturally). 'dust ducks, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, head down, 'dust drops down and uppercuts, almost completely missing an early fading Christian in the process. Switch in the corner - Christian right, right, right, right, switched back, Goldust right, right, right, Christian runs into the butt butt for 2! That would have been funny if it's ended right there without us seeing any of the other six men in action, wouldn't it? (In theory, yes, but not in practice. Russo will probably book that some week and prove us right, you'll see) Knee by Christian, forearm in the back, tag to Storm - who runs into an armdrag. Tag to Booker T - open forearm to the back. Elbow, chop, elbow, chop, elbow, chop, forearm in the back, stomp, stomp, stomp. These two work twice tonight - they sure seem to double-book a lot these days on BOTH shows, don't they? - Right hand. Into the ropes, reversed, reversed back and T hits the back kick. T consults his hand - superkick! 1, 2, no. Tag to the Rock (HEY! Remember when these two HATED each other? et cetera) - Rock right, right, right, right, whip is reversed, head down, kick by the Rock, Storm runs at him and gets put on the outside. Rock turns to H and gives him the international sign of "just bring it" and H starts to go through the ropes...until Storm manages to take out Rock from behind. Stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp, standing on the neck until Hebner pulls him off. Right hand. Right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, gutshot by Rock, DDT, nips up immediately and pops Test, brings in H the hard way...but before he can follow up, Christian scoots in and blindsides Rock with a clothesline. Storm tags H as soon as he's back on the apron - right for Rock - kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right - oh boy! That was thirteen, folks. Hebner pulls off H, and Rock takes advantage with a (yes) right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Rock shoved into the ropes, Rock ducks but Test is waiting with a...well, I don't know - neither did Triple H because he was expecting to hit his high knee there but Rock had already gone down ahead of time. Oh man, I bet Test gets punished later! Anyway, Christian gets the tag and H holds him for the open kick. Right hand. Into the ropes, reversed, belly-to-belly overhead throw by Rock. Tag to T! Christian rakes the face, forearm to the back, right, kick, right, right, right, throttle...Storm adds the choke after Hebner pulls him off and they argue. Taker wants in, so Hebner runs over to stop HIM. Storm and Christian doubleteam on T behind his back. Tag to Storm. Christian with one more kick. Right by Storm, right, right, right, right, right - or maybe they're all elbows, oh well - "USA" chant is up, so T reverses the whip and spins into the roundhouse kick. Stomp. Into the ropes, reversed, cheap shot by Christian - T turns round and shoves him to the floor, but turns back and eats a superkick from Storm (which means, according to GOOD OL' JR, that "he idolised Shawn Michaels" - oof). Storm tags out to Test. Test with a right. In the corner, head to the buckle, back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, argues with Hebner (HEY! REMEMBER WHEN Test had immunity? I'm getting SICK), back to T, whip into the opposite corner and follow clothesline. T crumples in a heap. Test hooks the leg and Goldust is immediately in to break it up. Tag to Triple H. T held open for the right hand to the jaw. T tries to fire back, but H gives him a knee, snapmare, throttle - man, the crowd isn't booing or ANYTHING here - Triple H is trying hard but getting no reaction. Big suplex on T - floats into the cover - 1, 2, Taker pulls him off. Tag to Christian while Taker is put out. Interesting that T is running the marathon in this match given that he's already worked a match earlier, isn't it? Open kick by Christian, big snapmare...to the headlock. Taker paces on the apron and the crowd starts to get loud for T's comeback. T back to his feet - elbow - elbow - breaks it up - right - off the ropes - but Christian hits a SWEET dropkick. Tag to Test - held for the stomp. Stomp, stomp, and now TEST applies the same headlock. Rock and Taker take turns pacing from their respective aprons. Taker wins out - crowd chants "we want Taker." T elbow, elbow, out, chop, off the ropes...into a tilt-a-whirl sidewalk slam - 1, 2, Rock and Taker both in to break it up (and I think T kicked out too - poor Test). Tag to H - right hand by H. VERY noticable "We want Taker" chant as H puts T into the sleeper. T down to a knee. Hebner in to check - arm falls once - arm falls NO not even twice - elbow by T, elbow, elbow breaks it up, right, into the ropes, head down, facebuster by H. H off the ropes - T with the Harlem sidekick! Two men down, six arms reach for a tag - H tags Test - T tags Taker!! Is this really the first we've seen of him? Man, I hope he doesn't tear his quad! Block, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the ropes, big boot! Soupbone for Storm, back elbow for Christian on the apron, and H isn't immune from also getting a soupbone. Storm put in the corner, back elbow, running to the other corner for Test, clothesline for Storm, splash for Test, choke for Storm - Christian off the top and Taker puts HIM in a choke - but he's out of hands and H takes him out with a forearm in the back of the head. Well, it's all broken down now - we got us a Pier Eight brawl and the ring clears rather rapidly as Christian and Goldust go out, Rock clotheslines Storm out and goes after him, T is still out in his corner so Test and Triple H (HEY! REMEMBER WHEN Test and Triple H....fuck) doubleteam Taker - into the ropes, Taker ducks, Taker with a double clothesline! Test staggers into the goozle...but H uppernuts him and saves Test (Hebner's back is turned, natch). Test with a gutshot - going for the Meltdown - but T is back up and gives Test the Harlem sidekick! H clotheslines T out - but Taker is up behind him - scooped up - H escapes - gutshot by H - *Rock* back in with a right to prevent the Pedigree - Rock right, right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and H is up, over and out - Test in but Rock DUCKS the Wotsitolla Boot - Test runs into ROCK BOTTOM!! Crowd is NUTS - 1, 2, H pulls Rock out! Probably just as well, he wasn't the legal man and all...Storm has snuck in but Taker is in time - catches the superkick - spins him around - chokeslam! Christiain in with the belt - Taker gives HIM a gutshot - Last Ride coming up - but as he raises Christian over his head, Test has a free shot at Taker's face and takes it - WOTSITOLLA BOOT - Test IS the legal man - Taker IS the legal man - this cover IS legal - and nobody's gonna stop it! 1, 2, 3 - Test pins Taker! (11:40) Just enough time for the Un-Americans to pose on the ramp (well, Storm seems really out of it but let's pretend) - RAW Zone credits are up and we're out!

WW Entertainment logo. You can watch "Oblivious" if you want, but I'm outta here. GOOD NIGHT!

CRZ craves attention, but not quite as much he craves a big bag of White Castle.


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