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Cold Hetero Writing
September 10, 2002

by Christopher Robin Zimmerman


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FLEA! You're older than me! (Not by much.)

QUICK QUOTE: WWE 9.50 (- .20, last year: 11.37, two years ago: 21 55/64)

THE "E" DOESN'T STAND FOR "MUSIC": As promised, we now bring you up to date on the latest SIZZLING SoundScan sales figures for the stax of wax and platters that matter, Smackdown Records AND BEYOND:

7th sales week - 877
8th sales week - 724
9th sales week - 564
sales to date - 11,108

WOW! I mean, WOW! Smackdown Records, you've done it again! A TRIUMPH!

3rd sales week - 1,581 (pre-RAW)
4th sales week - 1,760 (post-RAW)
5th sales week - 1,289
sales to date - 10,102

They got another plug this week on "Confidential" which I'm sure will do absolutely nothing for the sales, but let's go out on a limb - I bet they overtake Neurotica.

(The *first* Fozzy CD has a tally of 28,505 units, by the way.)

"WWF Forceable Entry" has sold 443,585 copies in just under six months (released 26 March).

And, for comparison, some more blasts from the past...

WWF the Music Vol. 3 (29.12.98) - 1,212,854
WWF the Music Vol. 4 (26.10.99) - 1,140,468
WCW Mayhem (16.11.99) - 286,211
WWF Aggression (21.3.2K) - 639,197
WWF the Music Vol. 5 (13.2.1) - 649,940
WWF Tough Enough (18.9.1) - 145,409
WWE Tough Enough 2 (14.5.2) - 54,056

Thanks my fabulous SoundScan source Anonymous. "Please credit CRZ and slashwrestling.com when using these numbers that *I* stole from some OTHER company in the first place."

In other news, Lilian Garcia recently signed with Universal Records...and now I think you know why she opted for a label that wasn't WWE-affiliated.

So am I just *looking* for news to report in order to avoid writing up this show? MAYBE

TONIGHT: Another raucous college crowd will make up for the lack of action - or will it? In the very first segment, we WILL have Bradshaw & Kane teaming up to try to take the tag team titles away from the Un-Americans. Also, Eric Bischoff will have an announcement! OH BOY! AN ANNOUNCEMENT! Come back in twelve!

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Bischoff can't do the eyebrow very well

Opening Credits - go on, I don't care. REFUSE to see the change in me. That's fine. I'll deal with it. But WHY WON'T YOU WAKE UP

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: KANE (Parts Unknown - 326 pounds - with transmitido en espanol SAP) and BRADSHAW (Sweetwater, Tejas - 292 pounds) (challengers) v. LANCE STORM & CHRISTIAN (champions - Canada - 454 pounds)
referee: JACK DOAN
By using Kane's wall of flames, the WWE goes NORO! and pockets another multi-thousand bucks in pyrotechnics expenses - funny, they usually only do that with SmackDown! Bradshaw's got something to say, so we better listen: "Now before - before these Un-American jackass bastards come down here...we wanna make this perfectly clear. We are not here just to win those tag titles for ourselves...ya see, we don't know a better place than right here in the heartland of America...and we, we damn sure don't know a better time than right now...to bring those titles home." While I was watching the Capital Gang on Saturday, I couldn't help but notice the Un-Americans' theme music was being used as background for ads in the New Hampshire Senatorial primary (Republican side). Somehow, I managed to avoid immediately emailing Wade and trying to get my name attached to the "obscure wrestling reference of the day" - hell, someone else has probably already noticed this if only I'd bother to go visit their site anymore, right? So anyway, THE MATCH: Kane & Bradshaw head out after them, chase is on, Un-Americans in the ring, Kane & Bradshaw in the ring and on the wrong end of a stompdown, but turn the tide as the crowd chants "USA." Out goes Christian - Storm into the ropes, double shoulderblock. Kane sent to the corner - scoop...and a slam by Bradshaw, drops the elbow for 2. Into the ropes, reversed, shoulderblock by Bradshaw sends Storm outside. Christian in, no, thinks better of it and goes out. Storm brought back in the hard way - cover, 2. Tag to Kane. "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, blind tag by Christian, Storm into the ropes, slides under and there's a doubleteam on Kane - into the ropes, but Kane double clotheslines them. Right hand on Christian, head to the buckle, tag to Bradshaw. Right by Kane, chop by Bradshaw, waistlock suplex, 1, 2, no. Wants a powerbomb but Storm forearms the back, Christian with a back body drop but Bradshaw with a big boot - 1, 2, no. Tag to Kane, held open for the boot. Christian shot into the corner, double choke...aaaaand a drop. Off the ropes, elbowdrop MISSES and Christian tries to take over - Kane has him in a choke, though, then shoves him into the corner where Storm was trying to climb - Storm falls to the floor, sidewalk slam for Christian, cover, 1, 2, shoulder up. Christian into the corner, nobody home on the charge, and while Christian holds back Doan, Storm ankles Kane, then pulls him into a wishbone with the post. Doan finally turns back a bit too late - Christian adds stomping to Storm's forearm. At 4, Christian backs up - then takes his lecture while Storm stands on the throat. Doan moves to keep Bradshaw in his corner...and Christian does the choke behind his back. Bradshaw wants to bring in his bullrope, but all he's doing is giving the Un-Americans even more opportunity to doubleteam behind his back. Kane tries to fight back on the floor and doesn't have any luck. Tag to Storm, finally - double forearms in the back for 4. In the corner, Kane tries a back elbow and misses Christian, Christian holds him back, but he punches away Storm, drops Christian, and gives Storm a tilt-a-whirl slam. Two men down in the ring, two men wanting a tag. Lawler has spent ALL MATCH talking about Bischoff's upcoming big announcement, which can't be a good sign. Tag to Christian, HOT TAG to Bradshaw! Shoulder block, right, into the ropes, back elbow, catches Storm off the top, big boot for Christian, Contractually Obligated Fallaway Slam for Storm. Clothesline in the corner for Christian, powerbomb! Cover, 1, 2, Storm breaks it up just in time! Storm ducks the clothesline and hits the superkick! Baseball slide dropkick for Kane on the outside by Storm as Christian covers - 1, 2, NO! "USA!" Christian going for the Unprettier - Bradshaw shoves him off and hits a powerslam off the ropes - 1, 2, NO! Bradshaw gives the international sign of the lariat, but before he can do it, Storm is in off the top with a springboard forearm smash. Here comes Kane with his "my feet hit before I connect" top rope flying clothesline - big boot for Christian puts him on the floor...but runs into Storm's boot. Storm with a missile dropkick - but Kane is out of the way and Doan eats it! Kane grabs the distracted Storm - CHOKESLAM! But cue the run-ins - TEST is out with a Wotsitolla Boot for Kane - Bradshaw in - ducks the Boot, gives HIM the Hades lariat but NOW WILLIAM REGAL is out with a knux punch that flattens Bradshaw. Christian hooks the leg and wakes up Doan - 1, 2, 3, champs retain. (6:49) Regal celebrates - looks like we've got a fourth Un-American just in time for Survivor Series...wait. Replay of Test's boot, Bradshaw's lariat, and Regal's left.

Eric Bischoff is WALKING! He takes time out to point to the strategically placed picture of himself in the hallway.

In the local slot, the San Jose (SmackDown!) house show is hyped

Coming back live, THE WIFESWAPPER is out for his MAJOR announcement. Since we didn't get the particulars mentioned in the opening segment, let me take *this* opportunity to mention that this is WWE RAW, LIVE from the campus of Iowa State University and the Hilton Coliseum in Ames, IA 9.9.2 airing on The New TNN and TSN, and for those of you keeping track, this is episode #485...and now, let's listen: "You know, it has come to my attention that some of the superstars on RAW were just a little unhappy with the way, no matter how much he may have deserved it, that Triple H was just given the title last week on RAW. Well, tonight, in this ring, in the main event, some of those athletes are gonna have a chance to DO something about it - put up or shut up, if you will. I've created the Fatal Four-way Elimination Match for the #1 contender spot. That's right. Check this out: Chris Jericho...versus Jeff Hardy...versus The Big Show...versus Rob van Dam. Right here, and the winner gets a shot at Triple H and HIS world title at Unforgiven. Now that pretty much takes care of the sports part of the evening - let's talk about the entertainment. You see, I know what Stephanie McMahon has planned for you for entertainment on SmackDown! this Thursday. She calls it a 'commitment ceremony.' I call it a publicity stunt, and she is pulling out all stops, this thing's getting out of control, I mean last week, let's pull it up so everybody can see it - the New York Times! For crying out loud, the New York Times talking about Chuck & Billy. And today, my agent called me from Hollywood and said 'Eric, in Variety, the voice of Hollywood...they're talking about the commitment ceremony on SmackDown! with Chuck & Billy.' Hell, today...check this out. the New York Post, for cryin' out loud is writing about it - Chuck & Billy! SmackDown!" Bischoff slams down the paper without actually showing us the story - geez, why bother with all the trouble of getting a copy of the post to Iowa if you're not gonna at least show us the story? "ESPN, they're talkin' about it. Well Eric Bischoff has a commitment, too - and that's to provide REAL entertainment - to each and every one of you people. That's right, see. If Stephanie McMahon is going to have a 'same-sex controversy' - well, guess what. *I*, like always...am gonna do her just one better. Oh yeah. For the first time in the history of this show, hell for the first time in the history of this damn company, I've got some beautiful women who're gonna take part in some H...L...A. Perhaps you didn't hear me - later tonight, here on RAW, Eric Bischoff presents H...L...A. That is, HLA as in Hot...Lesbian...Action!" Play his music! Apparently, Lawler's balls have shrunk again because his voice immediately goes up THREE octaves. "HLA" count: 3, "Hot Lesbian Action" count: 4. One of the cameraman is good enough to at least open up the Post to the story and show it to us.

Backstage we go, where TERRI has Chris Jericho, who takes a bite out of an apple before every sentence, spitting apple all over Terri in the process. He's still miffed that the first Undisputed Champion was ignored when the title was just plain given to Triple H, but he's already setting a plan into motion to make sure he wins the match tonight, takes back the title, and puts it back around his gorgeous waist. Terri plucks an apple piece out of her cleavage, then sends it to

JONATHAN COACHMAN, meanwhile, has Triple H. Does he have a preference as to whom he'll face at Unforgiven? Probably not RVD since he pinned him last week, right? "Oh, I get it. This is the part where I'm supposed to be scared of Rob van Dam, right? This is the part where, because Rob van Dam got lucky last week in a tag team match on RAW, all of a sudden, I'm supposed to fear RVD. Let me explain something to you, Coach. I'm Triple H, all right? I am The Game. I am THE World Heavyweight Champion. It really doesn't matter WHO I face at Unforgiven. The--" Bubba Ray Dudley shows up...and removes his glasses. "Hunter, let's stop talkin' about your opponent at Unforgiven - let's talk about your opponent tonight. Yeah, I heard all about it. So, you're gonna face my little brother Spike...what's the matter, champ? Ya ain't got the balls to face me?" "Let me explain something to you. I'm the world champion, okay? I don't even have to wrestle tonight, you understand that, I don't have to get in the ring, but yet because I'm the best, I'm going to. I'm gonna get in the ring tonight. I heard that a Dudley issued a challenge, and quite frankly, I figured it was the most competitive one - I figured it was Spike. The way I see it, lucky you, because tonight, you don't have to get in the ring with me - lucky you." "That's where you're wrong, 'cause it's lucky YOU. Ya see, because I don't have a match wich' you tonight, Hunter, I gotta wrestle Stevie Richards, and you can rest assure that after I'm done taking care o' him, I'm gonna get your ass in the OOF" Dudley goes SPLAT agains the wall as Richards enters the frame. "Hey Bubba, why don't you stop worrying about the champ - and start worrying about Steven Richards?"

Terri & Trish Stratus are WALKING! They stop to notice the door marked "LESBIANS" - and then keep watching - then we watch Terri's ass. "Hot Lesbian Action" count: 1

STEVEN RICHARDS (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - 235 pounds) v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 310 pounds)
Well, nobody told ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA that Richards actually now hails from Waterford, Connecticut and now weighs 230 pounds, I guess. Too bad we don't get to hear her interpretation of Bubba's changing weight, bu t he doesn't let Richards get halfway down the ramp before barrelling him over from behind with a forearm, then dragging him into the ring, foregoing his intro. Ring the bell! Head to the buckle, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, big back body drop out. Richards comes back with a knee, headlock - suplex attempt is reversed with a suplex by Dudley. Elbowdrop, elbowdrop, boogie down, windmill and drops the axehandle for 2. Whip is reversed but Dudley stops himself, ducks Richards coming in, then puts Richards up top, slaps the chest, slap, Richards in the Tree of Woe, slap and Richards falls to the mat. Head to the buckle, right, Patrick pulls him back...Dudley back in but Richards grabs as much eyeball as he can grab - then forearms him in the back. Whip into the corner and Dudley hits hard. Boot to the head, again. Into the corner, gutshot, off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Another stomp on the head. Right, right, Dudley right, Richards, Dudley, Richards, Richards, stomp, stomp, stands on the neck for 4. Chop. Into the ropes, head down, sunset flip by Dudley gets 2. Dudley ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own, but it takes both men down. Patrick starts the count as Dudley gets that faraway look in his eye. Richards up first with a right, Dudley fires back, Richards, Dudley, Richards, Dudley, Dudley left, right, chop, chop, into the ropes, head down, kick by Richards, but Dudley ducks and gives him a German suplex. Dudley is up, clotheslines him down, into the ropes, hiptoss, right, snap suplex, floats over for the cover, 1, 2, no. Into the corner, Richards puts up the boots, but Dudley is right back with a hot shot. Left, left, left, flip flop and elbow. Bubba, get the table. But Richards is up with the Stevenkick! 1, 2, NO!! But that was his move! Right by Richards, right, right, off the ropes...Dudley up with a spear - 1, 2, NO! Neither man put away for the count yet here. Dudley with a gutshot, Richards with two back elbows, but Dudley pounds the back - climbs up and pulls up Richards in front of him - wants a super Bubbabomb but Richards throws his head backwards and butts him until he lets go - ANOTHER Stevenkick! Richards going up top for a Frankensteiner - but Dudley leaps off - SUPERBOMB! 1, 2, 3! (5:53) "HLA" count: 11 (plus 1 from Ross), "Hot Lesbian Action" count: 2

Backstage, Stacy stretches - then meets up with Victoria and off THEY go...divas tag coming up and also "HLA" count: 2

Hey! "Adult Swim" ad!

And now, the WWE Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From last week, Nowinski and Molly both go down in the intergender tag team table match

STACY KEIBLER (Baltimore, Maryland - with "Forceable Entry" CD cover) and VICTORIA (San Bernardino, California) v. TERRI (with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) and TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (Toronto, Ontario)
Lawler has binoculars. Unfortunately, he ALSO still has a working headset. Ross says Victoria is in this match because Molly Holly is still injured from her trip through the table and therefore unable to compete. Terri, unhappy with the clocking she got last week in the pillow fight, makes a beeline for Stacy and they roll out of the ring - Trish finally pulls her off, only to turn back and eat a superkick from Victoria...and now Terri is back trying to get to Stacy, but Victoria catches her in a bearhug...and Stacy adds a slap (or a whiff, I can't tell). Victoria puts her in the ring - but Terri is ready with a clothesline. Free shot for Stacy, but turns back to be shoved down by Victoria. Victoria with a scoop....and a slam. Standing elbowdrop. 1, 2, no. Stacy puts up the boot - and Victoria rams Terri into it. Tag, holds her for the kick. Terri fires back with a right for you, right for you, right for you, right for you, Victoria shoves her in the back to tutn it around. Head to the buckle, Stacy stands on the neck (with familiar camera placement). Open-handed slap. Scoop...and a slam - Victoria in with a somersault legdrop over the top - 1, 2, no. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Into the ropes...ummm, collision I guess. Victoria tries a cover - 1, 2, no. Powerbomb coming up...check that, it's a backbreaker. Terri down the back, slaps Stacy - Victoria tries a punch but Terri is LONG gone so Stacy eats it. Terri with a rollup for 2. Victoria stomps. Scoop...and a slam. Climbs up top - moonsault! But nobody's home. Both ladies down and Terri makes the slow, slow, slow, slow, slow crawl...and tags! Elbow by Stratus - into the ropes, big back body drop, clothesline, clothesline, swinging neckbreaker, cover, 1, 2, no. Into the corner, elbow up by Victoria...Trish with a handstand 'rana out of the corner - 1, 2, no. They are LITERALLY moving in slow motion. Victoria hangs her out on the top rope. Call it a spinebuster - 1, 2, no. Holds her and tags Stacy - open kick. Kick, into the ropes, roundhouse kick (!), 1, 2, no. Stacy calls in Victoria - double into the ropes, two heads down, Stratus kicks Victoria, elbows Stacy, kicks Victoria, bulldogs Victoria, tags Terri (they have to try three times to actually complete the tag - how sad) - Terri climbing up - call it a plancha, I don't know - leg is hooked, 1, 2, 3. Wow, this show sucks. (4:56) "HLA" count: 12 (plus 1 from Ross), "Hot Lesbian Action" count: 4

To the locker room, and Nowinski and Regal. "Here's what I don't get - not only are you teaming with Test tonight against Booker T and Goldust tonight, but you're actually giving up being MY mentor to join the Un-Americans?" "Firstly, I'm not joining anything - in my heart, I've always been an Un-American ever since I came to this ghastly country." "Okay, fine, if that's the way you want it, I guess I'll go ready for some...hot lesbian action. I just saw one of the lesbians, and she is a sweet--" Regal slaps him HARD. He should do that to Lawler! "Listen to y'self, man. 'Get ready for some hot...lesbian action?' Don't be daft! You're the smartest man here, and all you can think about is looking at some scubber lesbians or rogering Molly Holly?! You're an embarrassment, lad! I'll tell you this one time because I like you - you're a bloody Harvard graduate. Start acting like one!" Lawler sneaks in "HLA" two more times before we fade to black. Fucking idiot Lawler...

Catch the WWE live! Friday, St. Louis! Saturday, Casper! Sunday, Laramie! RAW is Denver! Saturday, Fresno! And Sunday, Unforgiven is Los Angeles!

CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI hits the ring - he's walkin' kinda funny, but I doubt he's selling the slap. They sneak in hype for Minneapolis here, yet fail to mention that it's a SmackDown! show...probably because it wouldn't make sense given that this isn't SmackDown!. "You know, a friend of mine just made me realise that for the first time in history, Iowa State is being graced by an actual Harvard graduate. Now it's quite a little institution of 'higher learning' you guys have goin' for ya here. In fact, I'd say it's only about one yard short of being a legitimate university." That's apparently a reference to their game with Florida State, but I don't watch college football. "See, the difference between your school and my school is that at Harvard, we have lots of Rhodes scholars - at Iowa State, you've got lots of...dirt roads." Wow, this probably just wrote itself, I bet! "Oh, you didn't like that? Well, you know, we had a little chant at Harvard for people like you - 'That's all right, that's okay / you'll all work for us someday!' We had another one - 'Five, ten, fifteen bucks / we'll own the company, you drive the trucks.' I love that one! And we had another one, it was a beaut!" "Hey Harvard! Hey Harvard boy!" It's TOMMY DREAMER, sucking up to the locals by wearing a "Cyclone Sports Camps Wrestling" T-shirt. "*I* got one for ya - 'Roses are red / violets are lame / How 'bout I beat you / with my Singapore canes?'" Geez, that's even weaker. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on a minute - first of all, 95% of these people don't even know where Singapore is! And second of all, if you had any guts, you'd drop those canes and fight me like a man!" Well, he does - Nowinski lands a lot of blows, but Dreamer comes back, reversing the whip into a spinebuster, hitting a swinging neckbreaker, into the ropes, big boot evaded when Nowinski hooks the ropes and goes outside. Dreamer out after him but Nowinski has a cane - whack! Whack! Whack! Big swing and a miss, breaking it on the ringpost. Dreamer with the side Russian legsweep not really with the cane (that's inexperience). Whack! Got the other cane - whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Dreamer removes the shirt and jacket and exposes his back. Whack! Ross: "This is one for truck drivers! This is one for the folks who work their ass off for an hourly wage!" Geez, and we worry about wrestling fans being stereotyped... Nowinski rolls under the next swing and heads on out. Play Dreamer's (new?) music! Lawler only managed ONE "HLA" this time.

Spike Dudley is WALKING! The lesbians say hi, and that they're the lesbians. They wish him luck, then ask if he'll wish them luck. "What for?" "For HLA." "Hot Lesbian Action!" As they disappear behind their door, they do...I don't know, something that causes Spike to do a spit take. Lawler says "HOT LESBIAN ACTION!"

Say, can I tell you how "hip" and "edgy" lesbians are in 2002? Last weekend, my FATHER was telling lesbian jokes. Come to think of it, my father is about Vince's age...

The WWE Slam of the Week is presented by Burger King! From RAW last week, your eyes do not deceive you - Rob van Dam actually pins Triple H

TRIPLE H (World Heavyweight champion - Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds - with RAW credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes - AND RAW is brought to you by Skittles, Lugz and Castrol Motor Oily!) v. SPIKE DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 150 pounds) in a nontitle match
referee: CHAD PATTON
First of all, I can appreciate the idea behind this matchup but let's face facts - this ain't 1999 and Spike ain't Taka Michinoku. Now that that's out of the way, Lawler is SO enthralled by Triple H's entrance and "whale's blowhole" spot he totally forgets to hype the upcoming hot lesbian action!! H offers the hand - and Spike reluctantly shakes. H slaps his shoulder and grins. Here we go. Lockup, H to the corner...but we get a clean break. H very slowly turns his back and walks back to the centre. We go again. Spike goes behind, chains to a side headlock - H grabs the hair and whips him back to the mat. Spike holds his head and gets back to his feet. Lockup, arm wringer by Spike - is the crowd REALLY chanting "Trip Pull H?" - H reverses back, Spike rolls and climbs on the shoulders, rides him down into a rollup - 1, kickout at 2. H up quick and shoves him to the corner...but finally lets go of the hair, sneers...and slaps him one. Spike slaps back! Spike catches a glimpse of H's new reaction, and decides to get outta Dodge - rolls out of the ring and the chase is on...Spike back in, H back in, Spike ducks a clthesline, forearm off the ropes, forearm, dropkick and H rolls out. H takes a moment on the outside - Spike pokes his head through the ropes to try to grab him and H pulls him out into a hard landing on the floor. Spike rammed into the barricade. H rolls in...and back out. Spike rolled back into the ring. H back inside - Spike musters up a gore, swinging neckbreaker, 1, 2, no. Spike off the ropes but H pulls up a boot into his neck! H in the mount - I counted eight punches there - and a blatant choke. H breaks at 4 only to go back to the choke again. Castrol GTX Replay of the boot to the throat. H picks up Spike - and drops him in a backbreaker across the knee. Spike grabs a leg but H brings him back up...and delivers a second neckbreaker. H picks him up for ANOTHER...but this time, Spike swings himself up and brings H down in a flying headscissors! Off the ropes - got H in another headscissors, they do two and a half spins and Dudley takes him over again - H rolls outside, so Spike is after him with a pescado! Both men back in the ring and Spike's up top - cannonball! 1, 2, no! Spike climbs the corner again - but H meets him on the way down with a big right hand. H pulls up Dudley by the hair, sets him up for the Pedigree - and got it. But H doesn't go for the cover - instead, he grins again...and stands over him - slap, slap, pulls him back up and prepares him for another - for some reason, he shoves away Patton here - while his back is turned, Dudley drops down and uppernuts Triple H! DUDLEY 'DOG!! 1, 2, foot on the rope ohhhhhh! Ross says H took "the easy way out." Oh please. Spike comes up beating his chest and daring that son of a bitch to get up - wants the 'dog again, but H shoves him off, hard into the corner, and applies the sleeper as he comes out. Spike reaches for the rope...but H pulls him back and wrenches in the hold. There's that "Triple H" chant again...that can't be what they're going for here. Patton doesn't even bother dropping the arm - Spike is out cold, and he calls for the bell. (7:39) H isn't done, stomping on him after the bell. Stomp, stomp - here comes BUBBA RAY DUDLEY...H holds up his title belt, ready to swing...but Bubba doesn't go for him. H puts the title over his shoulder, smirks, and goes out of the ring to boos. He sure looks better after he shaves, doesn't he? We go out with H on the ramp and Bubba staring him down from the ring (as well as from the video wall). "Hardcore Lesbian Action" count: 5 (plus 1 from Ross), "HLA" count: 2.

To Coach, who has Jeff Hardy and about three bottles of body paint. Tonight, he hopes to take one step closer to his childhood dream of becoming the champ...but he has to admit he's not 100%. Spying Bischoff ("speak of the devil") talking to Steve Lombardi and...some other guy, he leaves the interview set. "Jeff, you are lookin' GOOD! You look so good, you look like you're ready, and hey by the way, that thing last week, you know, forget about all that, it's all in the past, things like that happen, breakdown in communication, you know, that type of thing, but hey - tonight, big opportunity, you have a shot to become the #1 Contender. You don't have to thank me, I know how much you appreciate it but...I'm a generous guy." "THANK you?! Thank you, Eric, come on. I'm in the match tonight because I deserve to be in the match, not because o' you. Two months ago I was THIS CLOSE!! to being the World Champion - I was this close to beating The Undertaker in a ladder match. I mean, you don't think I obsess about that every day. After tonight - if you ever pull anything like you pulled with Jamal & Rosie..if you ever try anything like that again, I'll show you the real meaning OF EXTREME!" Someone should pull Hardy in front of Steve Blackman's "one way OR ANOTHER!" interview with Terry Taylor so he could learn that SHOUTING DOES NOT EQUAL DRAMA

TONIGHT: Fatal 4 Way Elimination Match to determine the #1 Contender! Show vs. van Dam vs. Hardy vs. Jericho!

Matt Pinfield wants you to buy "Forceable Entry!" Wow, he made it out of rehab? (Are you sure about that? I mean, he DOES want you to buy "Forceable Entry")

Commentators shill "CSI," premiering next week after RAW!

To the locker room. "Think about it!" Jericho leaves Big Show to scoff as Johnny Stamboli happens by. "Can you believe that?" "What?" "Jericho thinks he and I oughta team up and eliminate Jeff Hardy and RVD, and increase our odds of becoming #1 Contender and winning in our match tonight - increase our odds from 25% to 50%." "Hey, if I was you - I'd listen to Jericho." Show grabs him in a choke. "If I was you...I'd keep my mouth SHUT..." and shoves him back into a chair. Thanks for coming out tonight, Johnny!

Meanwhile, Coach has Booker T, who is good enough to model the new Goldust T-shirt. "It's like this here, dog. William Regal ain't got a clue about what makes this country great. But I'll tell ya, man. See, what makes this country great is when..." He looks behind him to see Goldust wearing a Kane mask. "The reason this country is so great...is because you, Booker, have the opportunity to team up with someone as magnificent as (inhales) Goldust." "What are you talkin' about, man?" "Even this Big Red Freak knows that when you're talking about tag team partners, there is no--" T points behind him, and Goldust turns to see Kane - who removes the mask. "I didn't see you there, you just kind of snuck up on me there. Sorry. So how - how 'bout them Oakland A's?" And coming in from the OTHER side is Bradshaw. "You know, I guess I - I guess I don't have to tell you how important this match is that you go out there and kick some serious Un-American ass now to HELL with William Regal - but this is y'all's match. Ours is over. You do have a couple minutes - how 'bout let's go watch a little, uh, girl-on-girl hot lesbian action?" Goldust seems taken aback! "Well?" "My dear Bradshaw...we wouldn't DARE even think or dream--" "Who wants to go with me?" "We wouldn't DREAM of--" Kane raises his hand. "I'll go!" "Hot damn! Outstanding!" "Whoa, whoa, hold 'em up, man. This is EXACTLY what I'm talkin' about! This is EXACTLY what makes this country so great! In what other country would you find a beer drinkin' Texas cowboy, a big red freak like this right there, a gold freak like this right here, and the five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion kickin' some un-American ass and STILL have time to check out some hot...HOT lesbian action, dawg! Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Ain't no other country like that. Only in America, man! Now can you dig that! Let's go, dawg... (leaves, comes back) SUCKA!" Lawler: "HLA!"

Check out the exterior of the Hilton Coliseum, why don't you.

BOOKER T & GOLDUST (506 pounds - with RAW in Denver hype) v. WILLIAM REGAL & TEST (522 pounds)
referee: Patrick
T & T start - again, nobody remembers these guys used to not only team together, but held tag team championship gold. Lockup, knee by Test, right, right, right, whip into the opposite corner, elbow up by T - superkick caught, T spun around, ducks the clothesline, T DOES his the kick, 1, 2, no. Tag to Goldust, held open for a fist from the second rope, right by T, right by 'dust, but Test hits a knee and makes the tag. Open kick, left forearm, left forearm, into the ropes, whip is reversed, 'dust with a butt butt, gutshot, and drops down for the uppercut, free shot for Test to put him off the apron and onto the floor - and a clothesline for Regal. Goldust in command as we get the onsale crawl. Regal manage to block the next punch, throw an elbow and throws him out to Test, where he mounts and throws about a dozen punches. Thrown back in to Regal - Euro uppercut, single leg trip, cover, but Patrick is slow to get over from behind outside - 1, 2, no. Tag to Test. Open shot to the kidneys, head to the buckle, back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick kick kick kick kick kick, words for Patrick. Tag to Regal, head to his knee. 'dust gets a shot in on Test but Regal lands a forearm. "USA" chant - right by 'dust, right, right, right, right, headlock countered with a snapmare by Regal - drops the knee and tags, keeping his shin on his throat until Test can take over. Head to the buckle. Test stands on the neck. Into the opposite corner, Test follows with a clothesline. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Tag to Regal - held open for a kick. Left, left, left left left left left, boot to the head, again, again, choke on the second rope. Regal is vicious! Tag to Test - 'dust tries to fight back but keeps picking the wrong man. 'dust fires on Test - right, right, right, right, whip is reversed into a knee by Test - Meltdown coming up - no, 'dust down the back and manages a neckbreaker! Both men are down and crowd wants T to get that tag. Patrick is up to six as Goldust starts the slow crawl...tag to Regal - HOT TAG TO BOOKER T! Clothesline! Clothesline! Over to Test with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed but T ducks the swing, and hits a flying clothesline! Spin kick for Regal - 1, Test breaks it up - Goldust in and taking HIM back outside...and following. Meanwhile, Regal lands a Euro uppercut, but T hits the gutshot, off the ropes with the axe kick - and breakdances back to his feet! Regal is loading up his fist, though - Test back in - T ducks the Boot and gives him the Harlem sidekick, then turns back to eat the brass knuckles. Regal goes to cover, but before Patrick counts, KANE & BRADSHAW are out - that *should* be a disqualification, but Patrick is good enough to wait for CHRISTIAN & LANCE STORM to *also* run out so he can just throw the whole match out instead. (DDQ? 5:50) "USA!" Play Bradshaw's music! "Hot Lesbian Action" count: 2. "HLA" count: 3.

The LESBIANS door opens. "You ready?" They're holding hands! OH MY GOD! They're - THEY'RE WALKING!!! Of course, Lawler adds one more "HLA" and one more "Hot Lesbian Action."

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You know what, calling him "Fucking Lawler" doesn't make much sense. It implies that he's getting some. Obviously, he's getting NONE or he wouldn't be such a freakin' horndog on commentary. This might not be the best fact to advertise to a nation of millions, come to think of it.

PICTURE OF THE WEEK: Let's dust off an old favourite:

It's Eric Bischoff! That's from his appearance testifying at the Gold Club trial, as sketched by an artist from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. Not a real flattering likeness from where I sit, but sometimes all that testifying will turn your hair grey, naah mean?

Speaking of which, when we come back, THE WIFESWAPPER is again in the ring and have you noticed how he seems to start every monologue with "You know, this commitment ceremony that's gonna be on SmackDown! Thursday is nothing but a cheap publicity stunt designed to get ratings..." Is that the kind of thing you want to make public? "...while I (Eric Bischoff) am committed to bringing you the finest in class, culture, and sophistication. So ladies and gentlemen, please...welcome...THE LESBIANS!" Chyron helpfully displays "THE LESBIANS" - thanks, I wasn't sure. Geez, they compound it by cutting to Lawler and his binoculars! That's, like, the complete opposite of hot lesbian action! "Okay, okay...now as much fun as this would be for ME, why don't you move right over here - and why don't you move right about there because these people don't want to see you with ME - they wanna see you with each other! In some HOT ... LESBIAN ... ACTION! HLA! HLA! HLA! HLA! Oh, my, my - now I know what they want - Jenny, how 'bout, how 'bout what YOU want, do you ...do you really ...*want* Tanya?" "Oh, I WANT Tanya." "And Tanya...what about you? Do you WANT Jenny?" "My body ACHES ALL OVER for Jenny." "Well, Jenny...do you wanna TOUCH Tanya?" "Oh yes, I wanna touch Tanya." "Well, why don't you go right ahead. Touch that..silky smooth skin. Those lush...full lips. And run your fingers through her hair, oh. But you know, Jenny, you can't really feel that silky skin while she's wearing that top - so why don't you take that shirt off?" Of course, we look at Lawler. "But if you really wanna feel that skin, maybe you should take your shirt off, too. You know what I bet you want? I bet you'd like to get a handful of that...nice, tight, firm...round buttocks, wouldn't you? Why don't you just go ahead and grab a handful, and while you're there - smack that ass, oh! Oh! You know what I think you should do? I think you should take that skirt right off, whaddaya say. Well she looks so...lonely, I think she'd like you to take YOUR skirt off too!" Geez, they get so SHORT after the heels are off. "As long as we're all in the mood, how 'bout a nice...warm...affectionate...hug?" And there it is. "Oh, hey, it looks like you two really wanna go at it. I'll tell ya what, why don't you just go for it? Nononono whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - before this goes TOO much further, let's just take it nice and slow. How 'bout a nice ... slow ... warm ... wet ... kiss?" We look...at Lawler. Oh, there it is. They both start to work on unhooking each other's bras, but Bischoff cuts them short again. "Okay, okay, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. You know...we're all havin' fun here, but before we get too much further, I just wanna remind you, there's - there's this old television adage. Sex and violence ALWAYS sells. And we have certainly had plenty of sex out here, haven't we? I mean you two have been great. But I think this little show has gone on just about long enough. I mean, this is fine, but...in fact I think it's gone on about three minutes too long. Three minutes." Yep, there's THE NEW GOOD OL' JR in the ring - Jenny takes a kick in the gut (but that's her unborn child!) while Tanya gets grabbed by the hair...he doesn't toss her out of the ring, instead tossing her to Jamal (he's the one who helpfully has worn a JAMAL jersey) who drops her with a Samoan Drop with one fluid motion. Jenny is placed on top of Tanya (SIX TEE NINE - SIX TEE NINE) and Jamal climbs to the top rope and splashes the pile. REFS are out just after the nick of time - let's take a replay of the toss to the Samoan Drop - and the top rope splash. Bischoff and Jamal & Rosie are up the ramp as the EMTs have arrived at ringside. Bischoff laughs it up... "Hot Lesbian Action" count: 1. "HLA" count: 4.

UP NEXT: Fatal 4 Way!

"NWO: Back in Black" Fanatic Presentation ad

I GET LETTERS: Chris Schneider writes: I'm almost positive the brunette is Looney Lane from UPW. No idea on the blonde.

Good eye, Chris! The UPW website confirms that it was actually UPW Vixens Looney Lane & Savvy. Let me warn you that the folks what designed the UPW site have no clue about the connection speeds of most users, though, because there's a 1M menu bar that they insist you load before you get any actual content - if you're a dialup user you'll probably just want to take my word for it and avoid clicking over there.

This week on "Confidential" (which is Jim Ross' FAVOURITE show!) we'll watch a history of the world heavyweight title! Pix of Hogan, Booker T and Flair.

Rob van Dam is WALKING! He's met by Ric Flair. "There he is!" "Hey, Ric!" "Rob, I wanna tell you your performance last week caused that entire arena to erupt. Man it was off the charts!" "I'm pretty cool like that." "It was REAL cool." "Just another day in the life of Mr. Monday Night!" "Oh, man, lemme tell ya. I think you started somethin' special last week, I mean when I saw you climb to that top rope and hit Triple H with that Five Star frog splash...*I* knew The Game was over - and I'm tellin' you, on a personal note, if you keep this winning streak goin' tonight, I know withoutashadowofadoubt, you will be the next World Heavyweight champion." They shake hands again. "Thanks, man!" "I know it! He's the deal, man. And good luck!"

CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds) v. JEFF HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 218 pounds - with Castrol GTX High Mileage presents WWE Unforgiven 22 September!) v. THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds) v. ROB VAN DAM (Intercontinental Champion - Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds - with Forceable Entry CD cover) in a Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match to determine the #1 Contender
referee: EARL HEBNER
Entrances eat up another three minutes. Show quickly goes after van Dam while Jericho pounds away on Hardy as we start. Hardy holds the ropes on the whips, then puts Jericho outside as he comes in. Meanwhile, van Dam into the corner, escapes THAT charge, van Dam shoulder, shoulder, superfluous backflip, then decides to go on all fours so Hardy can try Poetry in Motion - only for Show to catch him and throw him over his shoulder to the floor. van Dam ducks a clothesline, springboard ...caught by Show and dropped. Show and Jericho shake hands! Jericho drops the elbow, Show nudges him with his boot as Jericho climbs up - going for a Rocker Launcher (!) but van Dam's outta there and Jericho hits hard. Show has a choke on van Dam but Hardy saves him with a dropkick - van Dam kicks the head and breaks out - WOW listen to Ross STAMMER! Hardy missile dropkick to Show, van Dam off the adjacent corner with a kick of his own - van Dam looks for the high five - Hardy with a gutshot and tosses him out (ha!) and covers Show - 1, 2, no. Hardy stomps. Climbing up for a swantonbomb - HITS IT! Hardy slowly makes the press - 1, 2, Show kicks him all the way to the outside! van Dam back in - off one rope, off another, Rolling Thunder finds the mark - 1, 2, Show kicks HIM off with authority...and wouldn'tcha know it, he lands RIGHT on Hebner, knocking him out. Jericho is back in with a chair - WHACK van Dam, WHACK Hardy, then decides he'd better WHACK Show in the back - but Show is up, swipes the chair away, picks it up and is ready to swing...but seeing Hebner back up, Jericho collapses and holds his head - and Hebner disqualifies Show! (DQ 2:40) Show vehemently protests but fails to sway his opinion. Livid, Show picks up Jericho and puts him down with ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. He's got Hardy up - ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAM. Picks up van Dam - makes sure Hebner is watching THIS - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. "I didn't DO it!" Amazingly, Show does NOT chokeslam Hebner, which is what he REALLY should have done. We take the final ad break... "Hot Lesbian Action" count: 1.

You know, I defy you to find the LAST time Hebner made a call based on something he DID NOT see. This is why, while I'm sure what they were going for is that I *should* be *happy* that I got to see Jericho use some brainpower and extreme cleverness, I am instead *incredibly annoyed* that all of a sudden Hebner is gonna make a brain-dead call like this. It goes against his established character! It defies the internal logic of this show! IT IS BAD BY GOD WRITING! Not that anybody cares about that anymore...

When we come back, Jericho is stomping away on van Dam but the crowd is chanting "RVD." Chop. Into the ropes, reversed, Jericho ducks the spinning roundhouse kick and lands a viscera kick of his own. van Dam rolls to the apron, so Jericho tries the springboard...something, but van Dam is out of the way and Jericho sails to the outside. van Dam runs the ropes - hilo onto Jericho! And now Hardy is up - dropkick through the ropes on van Dam! Hardy outside - runs the barricade - double clothesline! Stomp on Jericho, put in the ring, back in with a springboard split-legged moonsault, 1, 2, no! Jericho reverses a whip into the corner but Hardy stairsteps up - Whisper in the Wind MISSES! Jericho climbs up top and poses...but van Dam is back in with an overhead kick to the gut - elbow, Hardy right, both mean climbing up after Jericho - double superplex!! van Dam directs traffic - Jericho sternum first into the corner - and they run to the corner with a double springboard heel kick! Now van Dam turns back on Hardy! Kick - up on the shoulders - forward roll slam, and van Dam continues to roll into a moonsault off the second rope - leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Hardy right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, hiptoss by van Dam reversed into a big DDT and van Dam does the headstand sell - Hardy covers - 1, 2, no! Hardy climbs up top...swantonbomb attempt - NO! Jericho is back up and shoves him off the top into the centre - Lionsault - 1, 2, 3! (9:59) Jericho poses to the crowd - but should have looked behind him - heel kick by van Dam - 1, 2, no! Kick, elbow, elbow, Jericho ducks and grabs a waistlock - German suplex released and *again* van Dam does a big neck landing. 1, 2, no! Castrol Replay. Jericho goes to the standing surfboard. Crowd chants "RVD" while Ross exercises his word power by giving us his semiannual use of "surcease" in commentary. van Dam fighting back to his feet...turning the hold...back kick breaks it, elbow, elbow, elbow, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, van Dam out of there and Jericho shoulders the post! Hebner puts on the count while they roll around. Jericho is up at 5 and starts to undo the turnbuckle padding - somehow Hebner totally misses it (which means he'll be sure to call it later, RIGHT?!) - over to van Dam who meets him first with the back kick, back kick to the face, kick, elbow, into the opposite corner (and exposed bolt - oops), monkey flip out, backflip press, 1, 2, Jericho kicks out! Elbow, into the rope is reversed, Jericho's kick is caught and van Dam hits the stepover heel kick. Off the ropes with Rolling Thunder but Jericho gets up the knees - 1, 2, no! Jericho and Hebner argue the count - Jericho back to work, stomping him. Elbow, chop, chop, whip is reversed, Jericho to the second rope, but van Dam meets him with a dropkick as he leaps out of the corner. van Dam quickly to the corner for the split-legged moonsault - 1, 2, NO! Elbow, into the opposite corner, boot up by Jericho, "bulldog." Lionsault attempt...not there but he lands on his feet - van Dam meets him with a spinning heel kick. van Dam climbs up to try the Fivestar - NOT THERE! Jericho with the Lionsault! 1, 2, HA HA VAN DAM *NEVER* STAYS DOWN YOU FOOL! Jericho is *unhappy*. Going for the Walls of Jericho - van Dam reverses to an inside cradle for 2. van Dam ducks the clothesline, Jericho off the ropes - runs right into the viscera by van Dam (which hit pretty low on Jericho's body). Both men down and now TRIPLE H makes his presence known at the top of the stage. van Dam gets bleeped - Jericho from behind with a schoolboy and feet on the ropes - 1, 2, no of course not. Jericho with a field goal kick. Into the ropes, dropkick is caught - WOW Catapult into the exposed STEEL, off the ropes with a springboard kick to the jaw, Fivestar frog splash, cover, 1, 2, 3. (15:44) Triple H's expression changes - he almost seems unnerved that van Dam won. Man, I'd be anxious, too, if I were Triple H! That guy NEVER stays down for a three count no matter HOW many finishers you hit 'im with!

Ultimately, the stench of desperation is starting to overpower the Perfectly Fine Wrestling Action. Far be it for me to criticise what is undoubtedly obvious brilliance just beyond my level, though, so I won't.

But I WILL say that Jerry Lawler definitely needs to get another wife, get her hired by the WWE, and then QUIT when she gets fired. STAT. Or perhaps he could get caught for some hideous sexcrime, be sent to prison and get anally raped repeatedly. Either way. I'm not picky.

Now send me email!

CRZ used to be a lesbian, but it stopped being funny. He's still white, though, because that will ALWAYS be funny.


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