Wrestling News, Analysis and Commentary

 
News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info
 

Donate to Online Onslaught!
CLICK HERE TO HELP KEEP OO ALIVE!
MAIN PAGE
NEWS
     Daily Onslaught
RECAPS
     RAW
     SmackDown!
     PPV
     NWA-TNA
     Heat
     Velocity
     Other 
COLUMNS
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad
         Perspective

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
    
Circa/Dungeon 
     Title Wave
    
Crashing the
         Boards

     Deconstruction
     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
     Timeline
    
SK Rants
    
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     TWiFW
FEATURES
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
 
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Interviews
REFERENCE
     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Birthdays 
ARCHIVES 
INTERACT
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
SITE INFO
     Contact
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

 
THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK RAW RECAP  
(Clever Headline Forthcoming) 

November 19, 2002

by Lee Filas  
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

A rather dubious start to a Monday, eh? Seems that another reporter needed to use my laptop on Monday night, which means I was forced to do SCJ on paper and later transcribe it at work. And, to make it worse, I type MUCH faster than I write, so some of the stuff is going to be missing. God, why can't anything go right in my life now?

Oh, well, do the best I can and hope people don't lambaste me for it. They will, but that's life. SCJ is back on Monday nights were it belongs, so lets get started...

But first, lets check out the Jerk's Big Sack:

From the Bag O' Welcome Back:

From Dan -

Lee... Thank God you're back! I can't wait to see what nickname you come up with for Batista!

Dear Dan -

Oh God, I don't even know what I'll come up with. Send me your ideas and I'll decide next week.

From the Bag O' Morons:

From Kordell Stewart, again-

I love it. This is wonderful. I made your column. Thanks for putting me at the top. It saved me from reading the the rest of the article. Man you are angry. Insulting me based on a typo? You truly must have nothing to say. It is sooooooo easy to the pull the strings of people like you.

Dear Kordell -

I bet that's not the only thing you've pulled in the last 24 hours.

Let's Roll:

Bischoff in the parking lot:

Seems the great emancipator is waiting for someone to arrive, causing me to wonder who it could be? Nash? Hogan? Goldberg? And, as if answering my prayers, a limo pulls up and Mumbles steps out. He mumbles something about how his kid was cut from OVW (I think) prompting Bischoff to reiterate that the Has Been Kid is the new champeen of the world. (Now, that doesn't make sense. How could he be the champion of the world, when the WWE doesn't really wrestle for titles against promotions from Japan? It's along the same lines as baseball calling the Anaheim Angels the world champs, when they didn't beat anyone from Japan. But, I digress...)  Also, Bischoff wants to put the GaHHHme in a match tonight, but it seems Hunter has an owwie and cant appear tonight. Ah, but then Bisch uses his power to make Flair step in for his shot at the Big Red Retard. Hmmm...isn't this exciting so far.

Credits and Pyro:

Yep, there are really two girls kissing in the credits. That's my favorite part of the whole show.

The Saved One with the world title belt in the ring: 

Well, the fed once again baffled me and let a guy who can barely wrestle become champion. I will say I'm smiling right now because this is nostalgia at its best, but on the other hand, can he really go anymore? I mean, a champion needs to wrestle, and putting the belt on someone who can only go once a month - tops - doesn't seem to be that great an idea to me. And, to name a guy who has wrestled only twice in the last five years makes me question a lot. But, I'm not writing the show. Michaels comes out and talks about how he the new champ, then discusses whether he should retire. In true Michaels form, he pulls the wool out from under us and decides not to retire and will keep wrestling for awhile. After his big announcement,  The Dood decides to come out and ask for a title shot. That prompts Bischoff to scurry from the parking lot to the ring and announce that RVD has to earn his title shot at Michaels. Michaels announces that he took offense to the whole necro angle - you don't have to be a Christian to have taken offense to that - and announces that he's the boss of the show. Bischoff then announces a triple threat match. Then, my notes become extremely strange as I feel the power of Satan is taking over my hand and making me write shit that is unintelligible. That happens from time to time as I try to keep up with people. One last thing, Shawn checked his watch as he walked away from the ring. Why the hell would he do that? Does he have a plane to catch? How about a date.

Raw anniversary right around the corner:

Did you know that Raw turns 10 next year? Wow, that's a lot of television. And because of it, the WWE is showing old footage. The first Raw shows us a sit out by the now deceased Yokozuna, as well as a now dead gimmick of the Underbiker. How nice.

Does anyone else have a headache right now? God, it feels like my brain is leaking out of my skull. I need some aspirin.

The New and Improved Dudleys vs. Two Fat Guys and a Tulip: 

It's great to see the Dudley's back in the fold, but I know this match is going to be a Dudley highlight reel, and nothing more than that. And, by the way, Rosie may be a fat tub of goo, but have you seen that guys ankles? How in the hell do those damn twigs hold up that fat ass? I was right, it was high spot after high spot for the Duds, and the three D took home the win.

Legs in the back:

And the winner of the Diva most in need of a boob job is: You guessed it. Man, this girl is as flat as a 9 year old boy. Oh, and she has new t-shirts for her testicles. How nice.

Bischoff in his office:

Seems the threat of the GaHHHme coming to the arena makes Bisch all hot and bothered.  How nice. He runs off to meet him the lot and prepare for some anal intercourse.

Video:

Of the elimination chamber. Man, that is a cool steel structure...though I have doubts as to whether the Chamber plexiglas was truly bulletproof. More yet, why would they need bulletproof plexiglas? Is that the next gimmick match we could see?

Bischoff waiting in lot:

Man, that guy spends more time outside than in the damn ring. Ah, here's a limo and its - drum roll please - Big Poppa Pumped Full O' Juice!!! Well, color me shocked. <That was sarcasm.> Bisch calls the 'roid driod a special guest, but BP doesn't chit chat at all. He is just led away. I guess this signifies the recruitment/free agent storyline that everyone knows is coming.

Legs in the ring:

Seems that Stacy wants to show off her new Testicle t-shirts, and this is the best way to do it. The third one is selected, then she uses Chyna's Bazooka to launch them into the crowd. After a second, Lil Stevie comes out to bitch about Stacy's interference last week, but he gets shot in HIS Testicles by the bazooka. That was pretty funny. Anyway, this prompts Victoria to come out and beat the hell out of Stacy for no obvious reason. Though, seeing the arm bar with Victoria sucking on Stacy's fingers gets me slightly aroused. How nice that was - OH, Victoria shows she is a spitter on the slo-mo.

Legs in the back:

Stacy cries about having her fingers licked (after the mic FINALLY comes on), though I enjoyed it. Bisch decides that he wants to see more of that, and signs the two to a match.

The Unamericans part deux vs. the Gay Hardy and The Innovator of Violence: 

Nothing really impressive here except that Jeff never got in the ring. He did a few small spots on the outside, but the tables match from last night must have taken to much out of him. Dreamer gets pinned after some cheating. That's it.

Survivor Series Flashback of Big Poppa Pumped Full O' Juice:

Jesus, that's too much to write. Henceforth, Steiner will be known simply as: The Roid Droid.  And he's walking!!!

Roid Droid in the ring:

Look, he speaks. And he has numerous catch phrases. And he's big - so he must be the next superstar!!! Also, I cant understand a word he's saying...maybe I would if he didn't scream into the microphone. That's all he does, he screams at the top of his lungs and it sounds like an old man suffering from a seizure. He needs a speech therapist. Anyway, he calls himself a freak of nature or something, then talks about the numerous bitches he's banged recently - doesn't steroids cause impotency and erection issues? - then Y2J  comes out to show off his muscles - or his peaks as we have learned to call them now. This pisses off the Roid Droid, who asks Jericho to come down to the ring for a talk. Jericho starts - but then stops and I laugh my ass off. I have a feeling this isn't over yet.

Legs is walking!!!

Victoria vs. Legs:

Hey, my first look at Lillian - and my God, is she looking just all right tonight. I need to see some leg...so henceforth, she will be spanked if she EVER wears pants to the ring again!!! Anyway - a wasted match where Legs gets kicked around, then tries to retaliate, then gets the snot kicked out of her - but a cool sit out power move by Victoria. The Full-Breasted Blond  rushes the ring to make a save, but so does Lil' Stevie and Trish gets her ass handed hard to the mat. This basically showed me...um...well, nothing except that Trish and Victoria still hate each other AND that Stevie hates all hot women and likes ugly ones. (For example, wasn't he running with that Big Black Bitch for a while before she was injured?)

The Hurricane Anthology:

He wanted to either be a wrestler or a superhero when he was a kid. Now he's both. That's so special it makes me feel all warm inside.

Maven hosts a party:

What a waste of $50 bucks that place is tonight. Whoo-hooo...we get to see Maven!! Yeah!!

The Harvard Ass vs. Cap. Tough Enough:

Just one question before this thing start: How pissed off would your parents be if they paid $200,000 to send YOU to Harvard, and you wound up being a fucking wrestler for the WWE? Hell, my parents would absolutely kick my ass. Before I became a reporter, I worked as a bartender for 5 years or so, and every god damn time I saw them, they'd bitch about how much they spent to send me to Columbia College in Chicago - let alone friggin Harvard!!! Anyway, The fight ensues. Snow and Nowinsky pull out the typical  hardware for a hardcore match, with Snow getting pinned after doing a moonsault onto a group of chairs. Nowinsky is bleeding though, but it seems like a blood capsule instead of a blade. Whoopee!!

Oh No!! Kane is Walking!!!

Bischoff and Val Penis:

I guess the other guy to get traded to Raw - aside from Devon - is Val - oops, but he doesn't want to be called Val Penis any more.  Okay - time for a gimmick change, but they refuse to tell us what it is.

Mumbles vs. Kane:

Flair walks out wearing a suit, which means he isn't going to get his hands dirty tonight. Kane comes out and Flair skedadles, then says the line of the night, "If you lay a hand on me, I'm telling Triple H." See, simple things like that is what makes a heel a heel. Everyone on the roster need to learn from this guy. Anyway, Kane ignores him, then chases Flair. But out of nowhere, (Nickname forthcoming) comes out and levels Kane with a huge sit out power bomb. Sweet.

Y2J and the "other guy" in the back:

They are in a lovers spat about a mis-timed chair shot that met Christian's skull. Jericho asks for help, but we don't know if Christian will show up to help his buddy win anything.

Little T in the ring:

Seems Booker is a bit miffed that his name has not been discussed all night. However, in my humble opinion, that may just be a blessing in disguise. Actually, that was pretty harsh, it really hasn't been that bad of a show. Just a lot of wasted segments that the fed could have done without. And, it's A LOT better than having Triple H fuck a corpse.

Little T vs. Y2J vs. The Dood:

I want it well known that I'm hoping that RVD takes the win here. Reason one is because it's time that he got some sort of push on Raw, and number two is because - in many ways - it'll be like the old HBK facing off against the new HBK. Van Dam can easily become the next Shawn Michaels if he so desires: he has the look, the moves, and the cliches. He just needs more mic time to make it happen. And, a little more charisma when he's on it. So, for me, it would really be cool to see. Also, HBK needs someone with a lot of high spots to help carry him to a good match now. He's getting old and you know his back isn't what it used to be. He can't pull out the same spots he used too, while RVD can help him with that. This match has been pretty good so far. They are all pulling out all the spots, but they all look real sore from the night before. Also, it's kind of disheartening that the crowd is not into it. They should be. Great spot: Booker locks in the walls of Jericho on Jericho, then RVD nails Booker's scissors kick on Booker, followed up by RVD's 5-star on RVD. Excellent little segment to get the crowd a little more fired up. Christian comes out to lend a hand to Jericho, but the Roid Droid steps in to hand Jericho his ass. It ends when RVD hits the five star on Jericho for the win. Great, I'm glad they are giving him the shot. Shawn comes out to celebrate - are they going to kiss? Man...I'd watch those two. Next week, it may be closer to oil wrestling that real wrestling. Ewwww....

Overall:

A decent show, but nothing that cleanly blows me away. I'd give it 7 out of 10, with the knowledge that RVD will face Michaels for the title next week.

I'm the Jerk - see you next week.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS  
BROWSE THE RAW RECAP ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.