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OO RAW RECAP
Battling the Inner Beavis 
August 26, 2003

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Remember that one RAW recap I did like a month and a half ago, with special guest commentator, Beavis (and his dunder-headed pal)?  Well, don't worry.  The thought of doing that again never crossed my mind.  Nope.  Not even once.  No way.

Dammit, alright, I'm lying.  Like a creaky old boiler, my prodigious Immaturity Gland needs to regularly let off a bit of Inner Beavis so that it doesn't build up inside and cause me to explode in an orgy of fart jokes and juvenile name-calling.

But I'll do that on my own time, so that I may present to you the events of last night's RAW without major distraction...

Video Package: a bit of review from last night's Elimination Chabmer, and then some exclusive post-show footage of a very bloody Goldberg (including a gouge in his leg) being helped from the ring by officials.

Your opening theme/pyro/etc, lead directly to an appearance from Da Man.

Goldberg Promo

Goldberg's bandaged and limping noticeably, but he doesn't waste much time insisting that Triple H come on out to the ring to answer a challege.  Because the World Title belongs to Goldberg, and Goldberg wants it tonight.

So HHH comes out, and wonders aloud why Goldberg even thinks he rates a title shot, much less tonight.  HHH insists he's the greatest wrestler with the greatest body (again, what's with HHH's fascination with having Ric Flair telling him what a hot hunk of man-meat he is?  That's just so.... I don't know.... off-putting), and Goldberg's nothing.  Goldberg responds with an ass-laden missive that included aspersions towards HHH's physique.

And that, my friends, started the snowball rolling.  Eventually, HHH broke down, and agreed to face Goldberg.  But not tonight.  At Unforgiven on PPV.  And only if Goldberg would agree to put his career on the line against HHH's belt.  Goldberg thought hard, but not long, and accepted the challenge, and promised that Unforgiven would be HHH's funeral.

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Trish Stratus vs. Gail Kim

First JR tries to sell this as "the match Trish as been waiting a long time to get," but that's not quite right, since Gail turned heel about 3 weeks ago.  Then he tries to sell it as a match to see which one would get back in the women's title picture, but that's didn't quite sway me either, since both were involved in a title match just 2 weeks ago. But I guess just saying, "and this is the logical progression of the stories in the women's division over the last month" would be insufficient, so...  good work here, though I'm sure the smarks would line up to make jokes about how the only reason Gail Kim didn't blow any spots is because she used a 3 minute sleeper as her only offense in the match.  That wouldn't QUITE be accurate.  Trish made the comeback after the sleeper and pinned Gail with the slingshot bulldog.  After the match, Molly Holly attacked Trish in the entrance aisle, and then got in the ring and had a staredown with Gail.

SummerSlam Recap: JR and King lead us through some of Eric Bischoff's comments before his match last night, the ones about how he repeated defiled Linda McMahon, and all that.  Tonight, Linda will respond, live on The Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho.

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Backstage: Molly Holly is choking Gail Kim, trying to get her to see the logic of being Molly's friend, instead of her enemy.  Together, they can eliminate Trish Stratus, you see.  Gail decides that beats unconsciousness, so she throws in with Molly.  

Teddy Long Playa's Club Induction Ceremony

OK, it's not much of a ceremony... but Teddy Long introduced Mark Henry -- not just any man, but the World's Strongest Man -- as his newest client.  Tonight, he'll be backing the Mack and earning his Playa's Club Card, in a special Tag Team White Boy Challenge....

Mark Henry/Rodney Mack vs. Garrison Cade/Mark Jindrak

Rodney does all the work for his team.  And I can't even begin to explain to you just how enthralled by this the crowd was.  Cade and Jindrak hit a few spots (read, "dropkicks"), but nobody cared.  Finally, the faces got in enough of a flurry of moves that Mack decided he needed to tag out.  Henry came in, tossed one guy out over the top rope, and the squashed the other like a bug with a rude powerslam.  That got a few oohs and ahhs.  But mostly, this was Heat, through and through.  That is not a value judgment, simply a statement of fact.

Backstage: Lance Storm is accusing Goldust of setting him up last week, and thinks maybe he doesn't want Goldust's help anymore.  But Goldust talks him down, and introduces him to Miss MiniDust, who is humping Storm's leg heroically.  And now, all we need is some kielbasas!  Just when you think the segment is over, Rosey swoops in, and asks Citizen Storm if he knows of any crime that needs fighting.  Storm doesn't, so Rosey moves on and finds one of the cute Production Assistants (I guess it was her turn again in the rotation?)... she feeds Rosey some line about "a guy in the ring with a gun," and Rosey decides to sprint to the ring.  Hurricane, apparently trying to catch up with the over-zealous Rosey, is a minute behind, and gets the PA girl to tell him the rest of the story: the guy in the ring has the T-SHIRT GUN.  Hurricane realizes trouble is brewing, and heads to the ring, himself.  Lesson: don't cross PA Girl... she may be cute, but she's also either very stupid or very vindictive.  No way did t-shirt guy deserve to be set up like that!

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Movie Minute: clips of "The Rundown" -- starring the Rock -- are shown, interspersed with behind the scenes footage and interviews with Rock and that one guy from "American Pie" who always seems dumber than a box of rocks whenever he's on talk shows.  I know, I know....  "Which one?"  HA!

During the Break: JR and King have some footage from during the commercial, when Rosey stormed the ring and squashed the t-shirt guy.  Hurricane was a step too slow, and once he got to the ring, all he could do was lecture Rosey about being more careful in the future.  Rosey, it seems, needs more training.

More SummerSlam Recap: JR and King next guide us through Jonathan Coachman's heel turn.  They have still shots of Coach at SummerSlam, and King and JR wonder what the hell was going through Coach's head.

Backstage: Terri is interviewing Steve Austin, and Austin runs down his version of what he did last night at SummerSlam.  You know, the version where there's all kinds of physical provocation and he was just defending himself.  Eric Bischoff (in baseball cap and sunglass, but still with bruises showing on his face) interrupts, and says that Austin knows full well that he wasn't provoked last night.  Further, Bischoff says he's giving Coach the "Employee of the Month" award later tonight, and Austin better not interfere again.

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La Resistance and Rob Conway vs. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba, D-Von, and Spike)

Before the match, Conway got on the mic and did about what I expected.  A rambling, generic heel promo playing the "I'm an American, but not proud of it" card.  When he started, it was getting decent enough heat, but he tried to end big with a line about how the Americans are the Real Terrorists, and by that point, it just fizzled.  You know what they needed to do: instead of having Conway just be another random, average looking, shouting wrestler-type, they should have spent some time developing his character.  Make him a turtleneck/sweatervest-wearing type of guy... a guy who hangs out in coffee shops... who smokes cigarettes with the little tips on the end...  who may or may not have a pencil-thin moustache.... who probably participates in "Poetry Slams" every third Sunday of the month...  and who, of course, is flamboyantly liberal to the point of hating his own government and loving the French.  NOBODY likes those people, at least, not out of wrestling's target demographic.  THAT is how you do a disgruntled American gimmick that'll make people perk up and care.  That'd give La Resistance some depth... as it is, Conway's generic, shouting heel promo is just more of the same one-note, one-dimensional gimmick that I remain convinced WILL get boring for people to boo at eventually.  It already has for me.

Oh, the match?  The Duds pretty much dominate a 4 minute brawl, and hit a pair of 3-Ds and even a Dudley Dawg on all three of their opponents.  But in the end, the chaos was enough to keep the ref distracted while Conway ducked into the ring with a tag title belt and waffled Bubba with it for the pinfall win.  The dastards!

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More SummerSlam Recap: Kane Tombstoned RVD on the steel steps, and now, RVD is not here tonight due to those injuries.

The Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho

Jericho, much like your humble webmaster, can never quite get down to business right away, and instead goes in for some idle chit chat.  Claiming that he was the rightful winner of the Elimination Chamber, apologizing for the cuts and bruises on his sexy beast of a face, and so on and so forth...  and before he will bring his guest out, he also wants us all to watch a little video footage from last week at the McMahonsion.  Apparently, when Bischoff kissed Linda, Jericho thinks he heard some moans of pleasure...  and now, it's time to ask Linda exactly what happened.

So, to the Theme from WrestleMania X, here comes Linda McMahon, looking quite chipper.  Jericho starts in on the taunting, asking if she and Bischoff did the "hippity-dippity" or "went at it like two Arizona jackrabbits" and few other euphamisms I'm forgetting.  Linda's laughing the whole time, and eventually grabs a mic to reveal that nothing happened.  Security arrived shortly after the cameras stopped and took Bischoff away (god bless you, cameraman!  Or was it cellphone-wielding Shane?  Perhaps we'll never know!).  But even though nothing happened, Linda still thinks Bischoff behaved inappropriately, and wants to punish him....

And out to interrupt is Vince McMahon.  Huh?  Vince says he invited Bischoff into their home last week, so there will be no punishment of any kind.  And further, he (Vince) is the victim here, the victim of a failed marriage.  A victim of his wife.  Of her "demon-infested womb" (a line so outrageous I laughed for about half a minute and missed some other stuff... oh, if only this segment was MEANT as comedy!), and eventually, of his own children.  His own children hate him, and now, he says, he knows what Kane must feel like, to be turned on like that.  

And now, it's Shane McMahon who has had enough, and he interrupts.  He calls Vince a monster, and a few other choice words, at which point, Jericho interrupts, and says, "You can't talk to this man that way.  He's a genius, a billionaire.  And he's also your father, asshole."  Shane, the witty SOB, retorts, "Well now, see, I would have said it differently.  That asshole just so happens to be my father."  Shane and Vince have a face-to-face staredown, and Jericho takes that opportunity to attack Shane from behind.  Jericho stomps Shane down, and then leaves with Vince. Vince then announced that tonight, in that very ring, we'd see Shane vs. Jericho in the main event.

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Randy Orton vs. Maven

Orton is out to the ring with Ric Flair, and so when Maven enters, he pauses briefly, and then waves out Shawn Michaels, who will be his second tonight.  Decent work here between two guys who could be major players over the next decade, but again, you could cut the crowd apathy with a knife.  Until, that is, Flair and Michaels got involved.  Flair almost won the match for Orton with some interference at the 4 minute mark, so Michaels KO'ed him with some Sweet Chin Music.  That set Maven up for a heat sequence that wasn't all that hot.  But Orton put the kibosh on that with an RKO at about the 6 minute mark.  But instead of taking the win, Orton pulled Maven up at 2, and let him get to his feet.  And then, making broad gestures in HBK's general direction, Orton hit Maven with an alleged Sweet Chin Music to finally secure the win.  Jerk.  As Michaels got in the ring to tend to Maven, he and Orton stared holes through each other.  Well, Michaels stared.  Orton had this kind of punchable smirk thing going on.

[ads]

Special SpikeTV Moment: Funk Master Flex was at ringside... and conveniently enough, he just so happens to have a new show on SpikeTV.  I think it's like "Cribs," only about cars.  Or something.  It debuts tonight at 12:05, right after RAW and SlamBall!  Watch it, you mindless zombies!

Employee of the Month Award Ceremony

Eric Bischoff came to the ring with a nice plaque, and quickly invited Coach out to accept it.  Coach -- now minus his "announcer voice," and going up maybe a third of an octave to get some respectable Whine going -- says that his allegience is to Eric Bischoff, and that last night at SummerSlam, he wasn't trying to hurt anyone.  He was just trying to do his job, as directed by his boss, Bischoff.  Then, he turned to the matter of Steve Austin (who stomped a mudhole in Coach at the PPV), and Coach said the attack was unprovoked, and he was going to stay in the ring until Austin came out and apologized.

So logically, that meant it was time for Christian to hit the ring.  Whaaaa?  Oh, I see, Christian ALSO wants an apology from Austin, since Austin kept him off the PPV card last night.

So finally, here's Austin.  And he's got not a whole lot of apologizing in mind.  He's got a middle finger for Coach, who responds by getting indignant.  He's the best announcer on the team, but Austin insists on keeping the "Village People" announce duo of "the King and the Cowboy" because they are "his boys."  Lawler grabbed a live mic at this point, and got into some bickering with Coach...  which enraged Christian, who interrupted, "Hey, hey, hey, InterContinental Champion over here."  Once Christian got Austin's attention, Austin decided to give Christian a match here tonight on RAW.  Against Jerry Lawler?  Yep, against Lawler.  Hmmmm....  oh, and it's next!

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Christian vs. Jerry Lawler (IC Title Match)

Yep, title's on the line, and would you still respect me in the morning if I admitted that I briefly entertained thoughts that Lawler would win it, with the help of Austin, to further the idea that King and JR are Austin's Boys?  You wouldn't?  Well, then forget I mentioned it...  Match is pure old school, which is fine because Lawler is old school, and Christian's just plain well-schooled.  The announcing is handled by Ross and Coach, who are having a grand old time at stepping on each other and annoying each other, since this is the new heel Coach we're talking about here.  Hey, it wasn't a great display of chemistry between the two, but it was more interesting to listen to than Coach's old persona, so....  come to think of it, it might also be more interesting to listen to than Lawler's tripe.  But maybe I don't want to make that blanket statement just yet...  Lawler gets the advantage, takes the strap down, and hits two flying fistdrops, and that's about enough for Coach, who leaves the broadcast table, and goes and pulls King off when he goes for the pinfall.  No DQ, though, as Coach's distraction instead serves as a way for Christian to sneak up from behind Lawler, roll him up, grab a handful of tights (probably), and get the cheap pinfall win....

Backstage:  Shane McMahon is WALKING!  And behind a fence, not but 8 feet away, so is Kane.

[ads]

Backstage: Coach is conducting an interview with the victorious Christian, and they put each other over, and act like the win over Lawler was decisive and glorious.  When the interview is over, Coach tries to shoot it back to JR, but is cut off by Austin, who walks up, and announces that next week on RAW, we'll be seeing the Coach one-on-one against Jerry Lawler.  D'oh.

Chris Jericho vs. Shane McMahon

It's experienced grappler Jericho vs. crazy-brave Shane-O, here... and Shane gets the early edge with the brawling.  In fact, he's setting Jericho up for a Holy Shit spot on the outside when all of a sudden Kane's music and pyro hit!  Shane breaks off from the insanity dive to confront Kane.  But Kane does not appear.  The music shuts off, and Jericho has recovered enough to attack Shane from behind.  Shane's knocked to the outside, Jericho's still trying to get his full wits back, and JR's wondering where the hell Kane really is as we take our final break for...

[ads]

Back from the commercials, and it's been all Jericho, we are told. But Shane's quickly able to rally following a counter to an attempted Lionsault.  But the advantage swings back to Jericho, who crotches Shane on the top rope (by shoving the ref into the ropes as Shane went for a move), and then lands a superplex.  

Then, with both men down, Kane's music starts up again, and here he is, in the flesh, baby.  Kane comes down, and Jericho decides to get out of dodge.  Shane is not so lucky, and eats a chokeslam.  But that's it.  Kane leaves through the crowd, and stands near one of the exists until Shane stumbles to his feet and see him.  Then Kane slowly walks out of the arena, enticing Shane to follow him.  At this point, even JR knows it's a trap, but Shane follows, anyway.  To his credit, Shane isn't storming after Kane like a maniac, he's actually checking carefully before going through doors and shit like that.  Nice touch.

Finally, Shane ends up outside on a loading dock, and even with all his care, he still gets pearl harbored by Kane.  The brawl up a ramp, and Kane really starts to lay in, tossing Shane into a concrete wall.  And then, Kane removes a tarp and reveals a dumpster and a line of gas cans.  It's time, Kane says, to "Feel my pain."  Kane pours the gas into the dumpster, and the lights it on fire.  A well-positioned pair of cameras give the impression that the dumpster is a raging inferno, though I did get one glimpse that sort of looked like a very controlled burn along one edge of the dumpster, and then.... but hell, I don't want to spoil the illusion.

Kane grabbed Shane, and clearly intended to toss him into the fire.  But Shane wriggle free from the chokeslam grip, and then kicked Kane.  And Kane plunged into the fire!  Oh, the irony!  Will Kane REALLY need the mask and the voice box and all that stuff, now?  Or is there some other new fangled direction the Fed intends to explore?

Shane McMahon doesn't care about any of that.... all he cares about his putting the tag on this edition of RAW with his bad-ass, action-adventure movie star line:  "Burn in hell, you son of a bitch!"

And we're out.

E-MAIL RICK
BROWSE THE RAW RECAP ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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