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Routine Maintenance 
August 26, 2003

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com


No use trying to deny it: as soon as the announcement was made last week, the RAW brand basically became all about Benoit vs. HBK on May 3.  To use the OO Lingo, since RAW has no PPV in May, that show has the feel of a "Free-per-view."  It may not get a fancy name, or big logos and theme songs, but fans are savvy enough to know that the FPVs are special.  Back when SD! was kicking ass last year, it's because they had mastered the FPV concept.

Now, it's RAW who has it down to a science.  And part of the Science of FPV is mixing in one or two "Maintenance Shows" per month.  Where you step back, don't worry so much about blowing fans away right now, tonight... but you stack the deck so that you can entertain their socks off a week or two down the line.

To wit: last night's RAW.

Video Package: Last week in a 2 minute clip.  Michaels challenges Benoit, match is made for May 3.  Edge attacked by Evolution, Benoit makes the save, Edge/Benoit win tag belts in a match featuring interference from HHH and HBK.  You know the story.  Or you should.

Opening theme/pyro/etc., and a welcome from Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler informs us that tonight's Main Event will be a rematch for the tag team titles, as Chris Benoit and Edge defend against Ric Flair and Batista.  And then, it's straight to the ring...

Lita and Victoria vs. Molly Holly and Gail Kim

You know how I said yesterday that they've done nothing to advance Victoria's character or make her interesting?  Well, if she makes any more advances on terrified young children at ringside, I might amend that...  what gives, Vicks?  Match settles in pretty quickly, with Victoria getting her ass kicked by Molly and Henchwoman.  Molly contests a solid 2 or 3 minutes of this, and does it with a wig on (I'm still BEGGING for the promo where Molly just says "Screw it, I'll wear this haircut as a badge of honor and a reminder of what you did to me Victoria, and I will make you pay").  Then she tags in Gail, who picks up seamlessly.  Actually, Gail hit an awesome spot: it was a double reversal thingie where Gail looked to hit a head scissors, but Victoria looked like she was gonna turn it into her wrap-around side-walk slam thing, but Gail put the brakes on halfway through the "wrap-around" part, and turned it into a sweet submission move that combined a head scissors and an arm bar.  

WARNING! THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH IS A DIGRESSION:  Victoria fell to the mat, both her arm and her neck contorted at sick angles, so of course Jerry Lawler (damn him) notes the placement of Victoria's head between Gail's thighs and says "WHOOO HOO, I'm gonna have Gail put that move on me later tonight."  Jackass.  JR tried to save it by calling it "an innovative maneuver," and the live crowd seemed kind of impressed, and I promise you if Eddie or Benoit or Angle had busted this out, it'd already have a sweet name like the "Wolverine Cloverleaf 2004" and have moistened your panties, but...  well, I digress.  

The hold WAS devastating enough that Molly had to come in and stomp Gail in the face to break the hold, because Victoria was about to tap out.  From there, Victoria got to her corner for the hot tag to Lita, who was a house afire.  She decimated Gail, and when Molly ran in and tried to put her two cents in, Victoria got back in the action, and "accidentally" pulled off the wig; Molly didn't even hesitate this time, she just bum-rushed Victoria and the two spilled to the outside, where Victoria was tossed into the ring barrier and whatnot.  But in the ring, Lita was still in control, and hit a tight DDT on Gail to get the pinfall.

After the match: Molly got in the ring and decided to attack Lita, too... but she didn't get very far before Kane pyro and music hit, and the Big Red Machine stormed the ring.  Victoria and Gail were already done, and Molly got a five second reaction shot to look terrified and leave Lita to face Kane by herself.  Lita scrambled, but was finally backed into a corner... at which point Kane... smiled?  Yeah, smiled.  He makes like he doesn't want to hurt Lita.  Then he SNIFFS her.  Oh, boy.  Then he puckers up.  Then he dives in to kiss Lita.... but she has managed to duck down and out under the bottom rope.  Lucky her.  As she sprinted back, cameras got in tight on a smirking Kane for a few moments.

Backstage: Lita is still really spooked in a hallway when Matt Hardy appears.  He says she shouldn't worry, because tonight's he's got a match with Kane, and he'll make him pay for last week, he'll make him pay for tonight.  Lita's all "Yeah, really, you'd do that for me?"  and Matt's all "Hell, yeah, baby."  They gaze deeply into each other's eyes, but just before Lita can say something cheesy, as if off the written page, she opts to just scream her face off... because Kane is here.  He back-attacks Matt, and tosses him through some furniture before officials can break it up.


The Big Promo, Phase 1

The Coach is in the ring to start things off.  As he's in his homestate, he has to say some pretty nasty things to get booed, regarding the choke artists at Kansas and Kansas St....  because he, the Coach, stands alone as a WINNER who has emerged from this turgid state.  But Coach is a winner?  We have somebody out to dispute that point....

OMG~! Tajiri Promo!

Tajiri is out to... well, let's just say Significantly Less Pop Than If He Hadn't Gotten Squashed Ignominiously By Garrison Freaking Cade Last Week.  But he gets on the mic, and in broken English announces that Coach is not a winner, he is a liar.  And further, Tajiri wants a rematch TONIGHT.  Fans perk up at the idea of something happening "Tonight."  Coach bursts the bubble, though, saying he's not gonna face Tajiri.  Instead, he wants Tajiri to go get him some egg rolls, a beef lo mein, and some other Chinese Take-Out.  Tajiri's facials rival Regal's at this point, and the crowd is suitably "ooh-ing" and "aahhh-ing."  Coach hits his punchline, "And if you do it quick, I'll let you keep the change," and Tajiri decides he's heard enough... he chops down Coach with a few stiff kicks, and Coach bails out of the ring.  As Coach half-stumbles, half-crawls up the ramp in shame, another man decides to shift this segment into Main Event Gear.

The Big Promo, Phase 3

Triple H enters.  On his way down the ramp, he pauses to point and laugh at Coach.  In the ring, Tajiri adopts a Ready Stance, but HHH quickly wins him over by broadly over-doing the Pointing-and-Laughing-at-Coach bit.  Just when Tajiri thinks he's made a new friend, and joins HHH for some chuckles, HHH reveals his true nature, pastes Tajiri in the balls, and tosses him out of the ring.  Crowd boos lustily.

HHH grabs a mic, and assures Tajiri "Nothing personal, you're just in the wrong place at the wrong time."  Because this place and time is for HHH to clear the air about this Benoit/Michaels match coming up next week.  The way HHH figures it, that match against Benoit should be HIS, not HBK's.  Michaels tapped out at Backlash, HHH never did get his rematch after WM20, and so on and so on.  Just as HHH gets on a riff about how Michaels doesn't know when to quit and just get out of the way, he notices that Tajiri is back up on the ring apron...  and he changes targets.  Just like Shawn Michaels, it seems Tajiri doesn't know when to leave well enough alone.  So HHH goes over, and grabs Tajiri by the hair, and prepares to make an example of him...

And gets a face full of Green Mist, instead.  Play Tajiri's Music!  Get in tight on HHH's comical writhing!  Tajiri has bested The Game, and I'm gonna enjoy it while I can!


Backstage: a green-faced and partially-blinded HHH storms into Eric Bischoff's office (with a little helping hand from a stagehand), and promptly begins addressing a floor plant.  Ha!  Bischoff is on the other side of the room, and eventually HHH goes over there to demand a shot at Tajiri, tonight.  Bischoff grants it, on the condition that he wait until the trainers clear him and he can see again.  Then Bischoff leaves, sure he'd done his job.  But HHH isn't done: he turns and starts addressing Eric Bischoff's wall portrait, and gets a few words into a rant about how when he's done with Tajiri, Bischoff will grant him his World Title match...  but he eventually figures out Bischoff is gone, and gives us some Comical Frustration.  I don't know if it's because it's Tajiri, or just because it's true, but I don't think HHH has been this funny since DX.

Rob Conway vs. Rhyno

After La Resistance's entrance, William Regal and Eugene came out to join the commentary team.  When Rhyno entered, Eugene debuted the "idiot savant" portion of his gimmick, chanting "Gore" for Rhyno, and then noting the Quebec flag's of La Resistance, and doing a free-associating spiel about "French Canadian...  Pat Patterson...  First InterContinental Champion... 1979.... Tournament in Rio."  JR notes that "You didn't even know all that, King," which gets a laugh out of me.  I'm sure the rest of you were too busy making jokes about how "If Eugene's so smart, he would have also said the tournament was completely fictional."  But I don't roll like that... 

Match gets underway, and I can sum it up in one sentence: Rob Conway kicked Rhyno's ass for about 4 minutes.  Because the match wasn't the story.  After Eugene's first comments, he got off the headset and started playing over in the area next to the commentary desk.  Regal took over and had some good lines that painted Eugene as a good kid, and harmless, and even Regal couldn't stay mad at him after last week.  The reason why Conway has to be kicking Rhyno's ass is because the finish is Eugene sauntering over towards the control area, where he starts randomly hitting buttons... causing the stage pyro to explode.  The distraction interrupted a Conway near-fall, and as Rob tried to figure out what happened, Rhyno recovered, hit a Gore, and stole the pinfall win.  You won't remember this match, but you just might remember Eugene, which is probably the point.

Two other things: (1) RAW and SD! sure seem to be mirroring each other lately.  Both changed their tag titles last week.  And both used the "ill-timed pyro distraction" to cause a cheap loss for a guy in the last week.  They ought to trade notes a bit more often.  And (2) there was a new ref (new to me, anyway) in this match, and I'd like to be first to mock him for that obnoxious Full Body Spasm he exhibited when making pinfall counts.  I don't want to diminish the role of the ref in pro wrestling, but listen, I'm a baseball umpire (sometimes) and I can say with authority that no matter what the stage, the best official is the one who does not get noticed, and who lets the actual competitors have the spotlight.


Low Content Segment

Phase One: A replay of Kane/Lita/Matt from earlier, with a hint that Matt might not be able to compete tonight because of the beating he took backstage.

Phase Two: La Resistance is bitching to Johnny Nitro about wanting to get Eugene in the ring to teach him a lesson about interfering in their business.  Nearby, Eugene is freaking out and sad, and Regal is making the case that Eugene can barely tie his boots, much less wrestle.  Nitro compromises: he says La Resistance can have Eugene... but they can have him in two weeks.  That gives Regal time to prepare the guy.  And, unless I miss my guess, for us to enjoy hilarious vignettes that involve Regal getting hit in the balls a lot.  This could be cool.

Phase Three: Todd Grisham had Edge and Chris Benoit for an interview, but it was quickly crashed by Shawn Michaels.  Exhibiting a decided tinge of heelishness (as exhibited by the extremely unlikable "I'm too cool for school" vibe that once existed in DX), HBK told Benoit that he hoped he took care of business this week, because next week, he'd have his hands full with Shawn Michaels, main event, RAW, one more time, this time, with the World Title on the line.  Benoit's retort: "One more time?  Try the last time."  Burn.

Phase Four: Christian, Trish Stratus, and Problem Solver Tyson Tomko hit the ring, and we are promised that Christian is in one-on-one action... NEXT!


First: Some Comments

Christian prefaces his match with a quick promo.  He re-introduces Tomko, and then proceeds to put himself over.  He beat Jericho at WrestleMania.  He embarassed Jericho by stealing his woman.  He beat Jericho last week on RAW.  Now (in a MASSIVE leap of logic), Christian says the only thing left to do is to get the World Title around his waist.  Upon the revelation, he closed with this week's attempted catchphrase "And then that's it, Baby Goes to Sleep."  I don't remember if that's Conan or some guy on SportsCenter, but allow me to help out, XTian: it ain't gonna work for you.  Before Christian can pipe up again, he is interrupted by his opponent for the night...

Christian vs. Grand Master Sexay

Back-and-forthy for about a minute or so, then Sexay gets on a roll... and he decides to go to the top rope... and he decides that the fans might actually remember that shtick he used to do with putting on his aviator goggles for all top rope moves... so he pauses for what felt like 23 minutes to get the goggles and put them on... which was more than enough time for Christian to come to his senses and knock Sexay off the top.  An Unprettier later, and Christian was your clean winner in a 2 minute squash: no Tomko, and I'd already noticed that Trish was wearing the Ridiculously Silly High Heels of I Won't Be Doing Any Actual Work Tonight, so...

After the match: the new Y2J countdown hits.  Christian, forgetting everything he learned as Jericho's buddy, sent Tomko up the stage to meet Jericho...  so Jericho struck from behind.  He punked out Christian, and tossed him out of the ring... and it looks like I was wrong about Trish not taking any bumps tonight because she tries to kick Jericho, but he blocks, and instead locks her down into the Walls of Jericho.  But only for about 5 seconds before Tomko is back and yanking her out of the ring to safety.  The heels regroup, and Jericho celebrates his moral victory...


Triple H vs. Tajiri

HHH is still wearing a partially green mask on his lower face, and the announcers make it clear that although he's been cleared, he may not be totally at 100%.  And that's the story early, as Tajiri puts HHH off his game, and manages to control things and cut most of HHH's rallies off.  About three minutes in, they spilled outside, and Tajiri hit a sweet facebuster-into-the-steel-steps spot, and ALMOST got the countout win.  HHH got back in the ring, though, and took control with a spinebuster, eventually.  Thus began a concerted attack on Tajiri's back/ribs, which culminated in an Abominable Stretch. But that also marked the start of Tajiri's comeback, as he reversed out of that into some kind of cool looking submission move.  As Tajiri showed some fire, JR first started talking about thinking Tajiri just might have enough to get the win tonight.  Tajiri's rally eventually culminated with a top rope missle dropkick.  But upon the impact, HHH went flying backward and into the referee.  Seeing the ref down, Tajiri decided to warm up another load of the Green Mist.  But HHH must have sensed it (on commentary, I think they actually theorized that HHH possesses a "Championship Instinct" because his back was to Tajiri and he couldn't have seen it coming), and he ducked.  HHH hit one clothesline, mounted Tajiri for a few punches, and just as the ref came back around, he pulled Tajiri up and nailed him with a Pedigree.  One.  Two.  Three.  That's it.  Good 8-10 minute match: this was undeniably the right thing to do for HHH. And I'll repress my Tajiri Lovin' long enough to say that for him, this beats the hell out of getting squashed by Garrison Cade.  Although, this match might have meant more if he hadn't lost to Cade, or if Coach and Cade had teamed up to beat him last week or something...  more fans in the audience might have bought into the idea that Tajiri (who also holds a win over Kane) could have upset HHH.

And yes, I'll admit it:  in a deep, secret place, I wanted this to be the week where HHH got written out so he could go make his movie.  I wanted HHH to take the Black Mist.  Whether or not he comes back a few months later with a wildly improbable fake rack is his call.  Although if Steph wants back on TV.....  


Matt Hardy vs. Kane

Since they already played the "plucky underdog who does surprisingly well against a main event superstar" card in the last match, this one is a bit more conventional.  Kane dominates, and Matt just gets a few hope spots, but at no more than 2 minutes in, it's time for end game.  Chokeslam. No pin.  Chokeslam.  No pin.  Tombstone Piledriver?  NO!  Lita is out to distract Kane.  And he is distracted.  Or smitten.  Or something.  Matt is released, but too destroyed to do anything.  Kane corners Lita again.  He makes more kissy faces.  And this time, he makes sure Lita stays put when he dives in for a big open-mouth kiss.  Ewwwwww.  Jim Ross is disgusted.  Kane's music plays, and he walks away, all cocky-like, but the match, I guess, has been declared a no contest.  I'm guessing this leads to Jeff's return... but I'm just BEGGING for this not to be the revival of the Kane The Irritable Virgin storyline or anything retarded like that: beating the piss out of Matt is good, making smoochy faces at Lita is not.  


Public Service Announcement: Voting is good, Hillary Clinton says so.  But probably only because Victoria was standing right there and could snap her like a twig.

The Big Promo 2: Happy Phase

Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and says he has a public service announcement of his own:  Reading is Good.  Well, not reading, but more looking at pictures in Divas Magazines.  See: NOW is a good time for this.  I got no problem with King's libido when we're SUPPOSED to be titillated; I just have a problem with it when we're supposed to be convinced that a wrestling hold really hurts.  He previews the magazine and shows us a few pictures, completely with lascivious comments.  Then, he muses, it'd sure be nice if he could give fans an even better preview.  And out comes Stacy Keibler.

Stacy prances out in her ever-becoming fashion, and Jerry says that even though all of Topeka loves her, there's one man in the front row who'd really like to get a look at Stacy's assets.  And if anybody deserves it, it's him...  a Hall of Famer, and true wrestling legend Harley Race!  Stacy cannot resist Harley's charms, but wait....

The Big Promo 2: Sad-but-then-Happy-Again Phase

Randy Orton is out.  The Stacy Keibler molestation is done.  Randy can't believe his ears, because he THOUGHT he heard somebody use the word "Legend," and there's only one legend in the arena, and it's him.  He bringing it with intensity, but he was also pulling his patented Orton Moves: a bit of stuttering and how he "haste to burst our bubble," that make me think he just needs to either slow down or quick trying to memorize his promos and just let them flow more spontaneously.  It all boils down to Randy disrespecting Harley, and Orton gets out of the ring and in Race's face.  He says just last week he got rid of a hardcore legend, so maybe Harley would like a sample of what Randy Orton thinks of legends.  Harley is NOT backing down, daring Orton to do something.  So Randy hocks up a loogey.  Pauses for dramatic effect.  And then launches it into Harley's face.  D'oh.  Did Harley owe Cowboy Bob a favor or something?

Harley posse holds him back and Orton taunts him from the ring.  But from behind, out comes Shelton Benjamin, who attacks Orton, and hits him with a series of moves culminating in a Stinger Splash.  Orton bails out, Harley wipes the snot from his face, Shelton celebrates.


Low Content Segment 2

Phase One:  the SmackDown Rebound.  I've decided I don't recap recaps.  I will not become the "Experience" of Online Onslaught!  So screw you.

Phase Two: in the Evolution locker room, Ric Flair and Batista are getting ready.  In what has to go down as a dubious choice, Batista does all the talking.  It's more of his generic heelishness that can be summed up in one sentence: He wants the belts back.  Nee haw.  Flair's response: "All I can say about that is... WHOOOO!".  You guess which part got the bigger response: the opening 60 seconds, or the closing 5....


Chris Benoit and Edge vs. Ric Flair and Batista (World Tag Team Title Match)

Benoit and Flair start, and do just a few minutes, with Benoit mostly dominating.  That quickly changes, though, after a pair of tags:  Edge quickly ends up as your Decoy Face in Peril, as Batista beats him down, and then Flair gets in on the action.  This goes on for about four minutes, then Edge hits his comeback by isolating on Flair, and going after the leg.  He even gets the Figure Four on Flair.  When Batista breaks that hold, Edge decides he's done enough for now, and brings in Benoit for the Decoy Hot Tag.  Benoit and Flair chopped the holy living hell out of each other for what seemed like a couple minutes, with Flair getting the chance to do not one, but two, of his patented Flops, each a little more elaborate than usual, and each getting a perfect mocking response from Benoit.  But, in a nice touch of logic/psychology, Lawler points out that the second flop might actually have been Flair playing possum... and just as he says it, Flair surprises Benoit with a thumb to the eye.  Ha!  It doesn't undo his other idiocy, but that was a cool call.  Blinded, Benoit brings Edge back in, but Flair and Batista quickly get a sneaky double-team in, and smack Edge's broken hand into the steel ringpost.  Edge writhed in pain, Benoit was powdered out, and Evolution was quite full of itself, so we get....


We come back and are informed that Edge has been having his ass handed to him over the break.  But that quickly changes, and Edge stages a comeback to make his SECOND Decoy Hot Tag to Benoit less than a minute after the commercials.  Benoit is en feugo, and gets a major heat sequence culminating in a Crippler Crossface on Batista.  But Flair interferes to break it up, and then begins our REAL Face in Peril segment of the match.  Flair and Batista cut the ring in half, make frequent tags, and dominate Benoit for the next six minutes or so.  At about the 18 minute mark, Benoit managed to create enough separation that he got the Hot Tag to Edge, who came in and cleaned house.  In the chaos, Benoit got back involved, and we had ourselves a minute or two of four-way brawling.  The finish had Batista powerbombing Benoit, but then Edge picked off Batista with a flying clothesline that took both over the top rope.  Flair tried to capitalize, but Benoit was not the legal man, and as the ref tried to inform Flair of that, Edge got back in the ring, nailed Flair with a Spear.  A three count later, and Edge and Benoit retain the tag titles in a very good 20 minute main event.

After the match: HHH ran out to go after Champ Benoit... first he had to pick off Edge.  By the time he got his hands on Benoit, Shawn Michaels had also run out, with a chair.  He scared off Flair and Batista, and then loaded up to take out HHH.  But HHH dodged, and Michaels wound up pasting Benoit with a chairshot.  HHH just kind of chuckled and decided that that'd be a good time to get out of dodge, so he and Evolution powdered out.  Edge came around and got him Michaels' face.  Shawn plead Accidental Chairshot, and Edge eventually settled down and believe him.  Shawn and Edge shook hands on it... but at that precise moment, Benoit came back around and took Shawn down from behind and locked him in the Crossface.  Edge immediately got down in Benoit's face and tried to explain it was an accident, and Benoit eventually released the hold.  But he didn't look too sorry to have put it on.  Play Benoit's music, and let JR hype that we are just seven days away from Chris Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels for the World Title!

Final Analysis

Not a show where a whole lot happened that'll show up in the history books... but like the show three weeks ago, just about as entertaining a ride as you can expect on a show that was designed to incrementally advance storylines and inch us towards a big match next week.  

Just about the only substantial comment I want to add here is that I got a kick out of the pacing of the show: a little more Crash TV than usual, with segments ramming into each other (HHH/Tajiri coming out of a Coach promo, or Orton/Harley/Shelton from a T&A segment, or Kane/Matt from the opening tag match) but doing so in a logical, seamless fashion.  That's probably harder to do that any of us know, but I appreciated it.  Adds to a kind of "anything can happen" feel to a show, which is a nice undertone to have on a night when the only things that actually are happening are minor, incremental things.

A solid main event, albeit it one that pretty much existed to keep the titles where they already were, and then provide the excuse for Michaels and Benoit to take a few shots at each other to set the stage for next week... that's your microcosm of the whole show, right there.  Entertaining, ultimately nothing NEW happened, but it made you excited about the future.  

To me, that's Mission Accomplished for a maintenance show.  Very solid effort, and I'll have more thoughts/fall-out tomorrow in OO.


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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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