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The Ultimate Pep Pill 
November 2, 2004

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com


Wow.  Just: wow.
I won't get into a whole big thing, but the Halloween weekend and the time change and all that, it did a number on my sleeping schedule, and Sunday night, I had a hard time getting to sleep, cuz even though I SHOULD have been tired, I really wasn't since I'd only just woken up late that afternoon. I'm sure you know what I 

mean....  and so that's how I wound up being on about 90 minutes of sleep on Monday.  Like a good little soldier, I got done with my bidness and still churned out an OO for you people on Monday afternoon.  But then?  Hey, like a kindergartener (or lazy Spaniard!), I took me a nap.  Lay my head down to sleep around 7pm.  The alarm wakes me at 8:30, and it was that kind of REALLY annoying and unwelcome wake-up from a sleep that was so TOTALLY hitting the spot that I briefly contemplated just skipping RAW entirely.

But I didn't.  I knew it would have only further screwed up my internal clock if I slept through till about 3am, and then woke up fully refreshed and wide-awake about 5 hours too soon.  So I struggled to consciousness.  I made a sammich.  I plopped down on the couch, sure I would be rewarded with a crappy-ass RAW.  But no.  Instead: Wow.

Sure there are things I might do different, and if I wanted, I could bitch and moan about those.  But really: for what WWE wanted to accomplish, this was almost a perfectly-constructed show.  Massively entertaining, with a return of that sense of "anything can happen," and all building towards at least one VERY interesting stipulation match at the PPV.  I quickly went from "groggy" to "invigorated" and hopefully my internal commentary woke up early enough to supply you with Top Shelf Recap Fodder here!  Then again, I'm not sure if I really remember my on-the-fly observations; for as much as RAW kicked ass and goosed me to Full Consciousness, I didn't really have a whole lot in my tank afterwards. None of the usual post-show pondering and dissection, and after drowsing to the Daily Show and Letterman, I swear to you, polishing my thoughts into recap-ready observations was the last thing on my mind. Falling dead asleep was more important. 

But I'll try to dig the Good Stuff out of the databanks for you.  Hell, TAJIRI INFLUENCING THE MAIN EVENT, PEOPLE~!  That deserves nothing less than my Very Best Effort!  Here goes...

Video Package: Eric Bischoff takes the week off, Evolution tries to run the Asylum, and it doesn't really work out too well for HHH.  It all happened last week.

Opening theme/pyro/etc., and we're live in Peoria, IL... Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler have almost no time to welcome us to the show, because we're going straight to the ring for....

Gene Snitsky vs. Eugene (Hardcore Rules Match)

Snitsky enters first, and with him, brings a baby carriage full of plunder, including what appear to be a bunch of street signs; and already, my brain wakes up and INSISTS that one of them had better be a handicapped parking spot sign!  As Snitsky strews his plunder around the ring for easy use, we cut backstage: William Regal does a great monologue about wanting to help Eugene out and join him in the ring, but Eugene soaks it all in and then tells William to stay, because he wants to stand on his own two feet.  Regal tries to persuade Eugene with a talk about how his uncle Eric is just trying to punish him, and Eugene needs Regal's help in a hardcore rules match, but Eugene is adamant and heads to the ring alone....

And Eugene started quick, laying into Snitsky with a kendo stick. And I couldn't help but observe how much cooler the stiff weapons shots seemed now that we don't get one of these matches every fricking week on TV; nice call on the resurrection of Hardcore Rules for this one, WWE!  Snitsky eventually seizes control of the match using his "pet" weapon (or so they made it sound), a tinier version of Taboo Tuesday's steel chain.  He also laid into Eugene with a leather belt, and then busted out the street signs; no Handicapped Parking sign, but there was one so-dumb-it-was-funny "No Babies" sign (a cute baby picture, but gimmicked so that it had the big red cross-out over it), and then also a "Slow Children" sign that's probably actually a rare case of WWE being MORE subtle and clever in its humor than I was.  "Slow Children."  Deliciously subversive, and it won't bunch any panties the same way a Handicapped Parking Sign would!

Eugene started his comeback, and Snitsky started to get worried when Eugene started the Hogan-caliber No Selling... so Snitsky rolled outside and grabbed a steel chair.  Eugene actually grabbed the chair away when Snitsky got back in the ring, but made the mistake of holding it backwards (I actually do fricking hate that telegraphing of a spot, but small potatoes), and Snitsky kicked it back into Eugene's face.  A pump handle slam later, and Snitsky got the three count and the win.

After the match: Snitsky clearly wanted to Pillmanize Eugene's neck, the same way he did to Kane at the PPV.  But Regal ran out, and pummeled Snitsky with a few brass knucks shots to the ribs, and Snitsky decided to get out of dodge.  A nice match that had some sizzle on it thanks to the strength of the two personalities (crowd was way into it) and the rarity of the hardcore gimmick... Snitsky goes over strong, but again, the post-match stuff give us JUST ENOUGH of a hook that we can bring this back around again next week if we need to.

Live on Tape: Matching Edge's phoned-in-ness from last week, Triple H cuts a killer promo, explaining why he won't be live in the arena tonight.  [Huh, I thought HHH would be there, and was only missing weekend house shows because of his fetish for greased-up musclemen...]  Anyway, HHH opens with a few comments promising doom and gloom for anyone who participated in his humiliation last week, saying that Evolution won't forget and will be issuing receipts.  But then he goes on to say that he'll also punish them by not showing up this week, because it was not wise of them to attack the "franchise" of RAW, the man who scores the ratings and puts asses in the seats and who basically draws the money that RAW uses to pay them.  Just the highest caliber assholitude here.  HHH says that he's taking the week off to show them what RAW's like without the Franchise Player, and that when he returns next week, he expects to be shown respect, because he's the best in the business, and without him, "RAW is nothing."  Whoa.  Interesting little tagline; a guy who Thinks Too Hard (like me) could begin to weave all manner of interesting Fantasy Booking scenarios if that wasn't just a one-off line...  very effective taped promo from HHH.


Somebody Get Lawler High Speed Internet So He Can Get Real Porn: we visit with JR and King, and Lawler's leafing through a new "Divas" magazine, one dedicated to the god-awful Diva Search.  We are led to believe that this is the tastiest T&A ever dedicated to paper, but there's also another point: Lawler says that although Red Headed Spaz might look great on the cover, on the inside, you can get a look at all the Diva Search Losers.  Yet ANOTHER of whom now has a job with WWE.  Oh joy....  except no!  It's NOT "Joy" who has the job (HAHA~! In your face, and you thought I didn't really know there names! C'mon, I'm smart; I got this big brain, I just like to PRETEND because it's funnier that way, and it's not like any of those girls deserved Permanent Records in my databanks!).  It's "Maria."  And so now we really DO have ourselves a New Terri Runnels out of this atrocity?  We kick it backstage for her debut....

Tajiri Speaks~!: Maria does her mic stand work effectively, stating that she's looking for locker room reaction to HHH's comments, and she has secured Tajiri for her debut interview.  Tajiri says that the locker room's official stance is that they don't care if they don't ever see HHH again.  Of course, because somebody has a very retarded sense of humor, he has to say it in a caricature of a Bad Japanese Accent, but the idea gets across.  Before Tajiri can segue into his next thought (about how he might not want to see HHH again, but it's nice to see Maria again), he is interrupted by Ric Flair.  Flair says tries to dupe Tajiri into a handshake, saying that he knows Tajiri had a tangential part in last week's attack on HHH, but he doesn't hold a grudge against Tajiri.  Tajiri is too smart for this, and won't accept.  But that's OK, because Flair had a back-up plan anyway; as Tajiri stared Flair down and didn't shake his hand, Batista attacked him from behind.  And then, just because he wanted me to mention how very UNcool his attempt to be cool was: Batista pulled out a very metrosexual pair of sunglasses and put them on.  C'mon, Dave...  then Flair and Batista hear the Evolution theme song fire up, so they decide to head out to the ring....

Shades of Gray Theatre

The smooth transition into Evolution's promo leads to some Classic Flair Ranting.  He calls last week's attack on Evolution "unacceptable," and says that order needs to be restored on RAW, and he calls on Eric Bischoff to get back on the job and enforce the pecking order.

Except: Eric Bischoff enters and kind of has his own agenda. He's got some business and some personal stuff to discuss.  Business comes first, and Bischoff announces that the RAW half of the Survivor Series PPV has been finalized, and he'd like to announce it.  We've got: Shelton Benjamin vs. Christian in an IC Title match...  Trish Stratus vs. Lita in a Women's Title match... and a "Classic Survivor Series Elimination Match" in which Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Maven, and Randy Orton will face Triple H, Batista, Edge, and Gene Snitsky.

Snitsky?  Huh?  Flair thinks he must be hearing things, because Bischoff just left the Nature Boy's name out of that match... but no, Bischoff didn't stutter: he meant it.  Because this leads him to his Personal Business he wants to discuss...

Bischoff says that when he was getting his head shaved two weeks ago, he was wondering "Where's Evolution?"... and Evolution sure as hell didn't come to his rescue.  And Bischoff decided that kissing Evolution's ass for 2 years didn't do him a damned lick of good.  Now, Bischoff announces, he answers to NO ONE but himself.  Whoa; and he gets cheers for this, too (in, dare I say it?, almost the exact OPPOSITE way of how Randy Orton can't get cheers when cutting promos on Ric Flair!). All of a sudden, Bischoff's hair isn't the only thing coming in shades of gray, here....

Bischoff has even further bombshells to drop: because he's sick and tired of all this crap on RAW and he's giving himself a month off after Survivor Series. And so the Classic Elimination Match will have an additional stipulation: Control Over RAW will cycle through the four members of the winning team for the month after the PPV.  Another nice twist.

Batista grabs the mic and tells Bischoff he can't do this, because inmates running the asylum again won't possibly be good for Evolution.  Batista even (god bless his glossy metrosexual ass!) introduced the concept that if Team Benoit wins, they'll book title matches for themselves against HHH, and Randy Orton (since he's the only member of the team who CAN'T have a title shot) will interfere to make sure HHH loses the title so he CAN have a title shot against the new champ.  See, was that so hard?  Remember: No Royal Rumble win for Randy Orton makes The Rick happy!

Bischoff absorbs Batista's comments, but says his edict stands, and that if Batista and Evolution are so concerned, then they'd better make sure they win the match and win control over RAW...  because "HHH says that RAW's nothing without him, but *I* say that without the World Title, HHH is nothing."  "Whoa" for about the third time in this promo!  Like HHH's tagline earlier, Bischoff's tagline here could very easily be the start of something cool...  if I was the kind of guy who thought WWE had even the foggiest notion of how to do long-term booking, I might even start to contemplate cross-brand stories and trades and stuff like that....  very excellent stuff here.


Video Package: Shelton Benjamin wins a match against Chris Jericho, but gets his ass kicked by Christian.

Christian vs. The Hurricane

Christian and the Hurricane barely lock-up, when all of a sudden, we get some seizure-inducing flashing lights, and an unfamiliar theme song...  apparently, this is the NEW Edge ring entrance (plus 10 for bringing back the seizure lights from the very-cool Rob Zombie entrance, but the new song is gonna take some getting used to; it's better than Orton's at least).

While Christian and Hurricane continue to wrestle, Edge just stands on the stage and cuts a sweet promo.  He's here to talk about his new book, "On Edge," that hits stores tomorrow!  He says that given how often he mentions Christian in the book, he figured Christian wouldn't mind the interruption (and from the VERY brief clips of wrestling they show during Edge's promo, it seems like Christian keeps control of the match, so that's OK).  Edge makes sure we know there's no ghost writer for his book, and talks about how awesomely awesome the book is, chockful of his hopes and dreams and fears and accomplishments.  His only real problem is that he wanted to write a final chapter about how he got voted into a World Title Match at Taboo Tuesday and won the title, but the stupid fans didn't make it happen.  But that's OK, says Edge, because when the paperback comes out in a year, he gets to put in an epilogue about how he speared Shawn Michaels out of the World Title.  YES~!  What a prick Edge is!  JR tries to work up some indignation over how Edge is interrupting a wrestling match, but only succeeds in catching Edge's eye; Edge saunters over, and opines that JR's REAL problem is that he clearly wants an autographed copy of Edge's book.  So Edge supplies JR with just such an item, and then, in another fantastically jerkish moment, declares "Thank you, Peoria," in the tone of voice that makes it clear he'd rather be just about anywhere else in the world.  Goddammit, Edge might be my new favorite wrestler on RAW.  He's like the evil Anti-Foley: he comes out, talks about his new book that (unlike every other WWE book) he ACTUALLY WROTE HIMSELF, goes out of his way to mention the name of the town he's in, and somehow, does it so perfectly that he's booed out of the building.  Out-freaking-standing.

Once Edge departs, we finally check back in on the match, where Hurricane suddenly gets a mini-rally in... but Christian quashes that and hits the Unprettier almost instantly.  Probably about a 4 minute match, but the highlight was the three minutes we spent paying attention to Edge.

After the Match: Shelton Benjamin tries to run out to extract sweet, sweet vengeance on Christian, but Christian bails out of the ring and grabs a mic, instead.  He says he thought Shelton might try something like that, so he hired himself a very special One Night Only Problem Solver to deal with Shelton.  Out comes....  Viscera!  Huh; not that I'm ever ecstatic to see Big Vis, but a little unexpected swerve sure beats the hell out of the Lovely Miss Tomko... JR calls Viscera a "free agent" (but doesn't bother to note that Edge and Christian were once semi-partners of Viscera's in the Ministry) and works up a nice bit of rage when Viscera's distraction provides the opening for Christian to attack Shelton from behind.  Together, Christian and Vis decimate Shelton, culminating in a Big Splash.


Backstage: Tough Questions Todd Grisham has gotten Edge for a few tender moments, asking about the Tag Team Title situation.  Specifically, Grisham would like to know if Edge intends to team with Benoit tonight for the rematch against La Resistance.  Edge says sure, he'll team with Benoit later tonight.  But Grisham notes that Edge didn't stand by Benoit at the PPV, where Benoit had to beat La Resistance all by himself.  Edge doesn't much care for Grisham's tone, and says that well, then maybe I don't even HAVE to show up tonight, and Benoit can do it again, if he's so awesome.  Cue Benoit, who is carrying both Tag Title Belts; he gets in Edge's face, saying he doesn't need Edge as a partner.  Edge snatched away one of the title belts, thanking Benoit for delivering the belt cuz he's sure "proud" (think of the same way he said "Peoria" earlier) to be an 11 time tag team champ in WWE.  But not as proud as he'd have been to be the World Champ; Edge says he's a star, that he got more votes than Benoit in the Taboo Tuesday voting, and says he figures that makes HIM the "captain" of the tag team.  And he closes out by saying if Benoit doesn't watch himself, Edge might give him his wish and send him out there to defend the tag titles alone later tonight.  Exit Edge, who again nailed a sweet segment; Benoit's look tells us he'll be glad to beat La Resistance by himself later tonight if he must....

Elsewhere Backstage: Maven cavalierly struts into Evolution's locker room, and brags about how Evolution sure as hell didn't have the power of numbers last week on RAW....  Flair and Batista briefly threaten Maven, since this week, they think they might have the 2-on-1 numbers edge...  but that's when Randy Orton and Chris Jericho materialize.  And now it's a 3-on-2 numbers edge the other way.  Orton gets the punchline to this promo, saying that if his team wins at Survivor Series, there might be no future for Evolution.  Not as intriguing as some other taglines, but certainly keeping Orton's speaking part to a minimum plays to his strengths.  Maven talked more than him, I think....


The Rick Mentions Nothing By Accident, People!

And you thought I brought Simon Dean up in Monday's column by accident....  suckers.  That's called Professional Foreshadowing!  To be attempted only by a pro such as myself when he's in an odd bind of being about 90% certain of a newsbite, but not wanting to commit to it!  Wheee!

Anyway, here's Simon Dean, live in the ring on RAW, announced by Lillian Garcia as "RAW's newest Sponsor."  Simon is wearing a powder blue jump suit and a little headset mic as he proudly welcomes himself to the show (but the audience sure as hell isn't extending a hearty Illinois welcome).  Simon says he's here to offer some lucky fan a year's supply of his patented Simon System Fitno Powder...  and from the looks of some fans, there's no shortage of needy candidates.

Simon becomes instantly a billion times more entertaining than his tepid vignettes as he laces into the ringside fans.  Instead of that limp "help you see your toes" line, he hits a riff on one fan about whether or not he's seen his own penis lately.  Then he moves on to a female fan, and wonders if all her arm fat makes it hard for her to shave her pits; when Simon further postulates that that funky smell might be "fromunder cheese," the lady flips him the bird and gets a huge pop from the crowd.  Like I said: this was crackling a bit more than Simon's vignettes did... he's still pressing the most simplistic of buttons, but the delivery and packaging is a lot more compelling this way...

Finally, Simon settles on a fan in the second row who's dental hygiene seems VERY lacking.  The "fan" makes some gestures indicating he might like to jump the barrier and confront Simon, but is stopped by security.  Simon eventually says, "no, no, let him go," but warns the "fan" that "I have a background in amateur wrestling, so you watch yourself."  Once the fan is in the ring, Simon decides that bad teeth might be the least of this guy's problems, and implores him to remove his shirt.  When the fan finally complies, it becomes readily apparent that this guy has got to be an indie worker, and one who probably spent Friday night getting the hell chopped out of his chest by an opponent.  Simon tries to cover that up by passing off the welts as body-acne, and then fondles and mocks the guy's jiggly man boobs, and that's when the fan snaps... he shoves Simon to the mat.

But Simon won't stay down.  He gets up, and immediately goes nuts on the fan, eventually locking in a modified STF-looking move.  Ouch.  This came off really well, I thought.  The gimmick may or may not have legs (it's kind of a one-dimensional deal), but this was lots better than the stupid infomercial things, and for one night, Simon was able to press the right buttons.


Chris Benoit/Edge vs. La Resistance (Tag Team Title Match)

La Resistance enter first... then Benoit enters, solo.  And then the match starts.  No Edge.  Benoit came out fast, but eventually fell prey to the 1-on-2 disadvantage.  As Benoit started to get his ass handed to him, about 2 minutes into the match, Edge FINALLY made his big ring entrance (complete with seizure lights and fancy pyro that wasn't part of his earlier entrance).  Benoit's not doing so well, but Edge is in no rush.  He's posing and taking his time.  He eventually gets up on the ring apron.  Benoit makes his comeback, decimating La Resistance, and then reaching over to his corner to tag in Edge...  Edge stretches out to make the tag...  but as soon as Benoit makes it to the corner, Edge pulls back and drops off the apron.  Benoit stares him down, but Edge retreats up the ramp, shouting, "You can do it!"... methinks the Edgester must have just suffered through "The Waterboy" or something...  the staredown is our chance to take some....


Back from the break, and Benoit's back on defense. But for the second time tonight, the story suddenly becomes NOT the match, but Edge: he's sitting in on guest commentary, stealing the thunder of the simplistic, formulaic match.  Lawler is leafing though Edge's book, doing a great job feeding Edge lines so that Edge can make particularly prickish observations at a pace of about 2 per minute.  This includes King noting that Edge's high school yearbook voted him "Most Likely to Be WWE Champion," and Edge declaring that it would have come true at Taboo Tuesday if the fans were such idiots. When Lawler talks about the passages in the book chronicling Edge's broken neck, Edge proudly notes that a normal man would be retired and that he just might be the Toughest Man Alive.  And also: King notes that there's a picture of Edge spearing Kurt Angle, and Edge chuckles and says, "Yeah, that happened quite a lot. And he's still bald" (INGENIOUS~!).  JR gets in on the commentary goodness by noting that in the ring, there's a tag title match, and Benoit desperately needs to make a tag, but there's no one to tag to, because his partner's up here doing commentary.  And Edge sends it right back in JR's face, saying that he just got done hearing from Benoit about how he could win the match by himself and so as the captain of the team, he'll go down there when he's damned good and ready.  A third excellent outing for Edge, but it comes to an end when he notices that Benoit has started his rally, and that maybe NOW would be a good time to go join the match...

So Edge leaves and heads to the ring, just as Benoit takes control of the match.  Benoit, at this point, doesn't have much interest in Edge's help, and basically gets distracted by Edge.  Which is obviously what Edge wanted.  Further: Edge ALSO distracts the referee for about 20 seconds, allowing La Resistance to attack Benoit from behind.  They hit the Au Revoir, Edge finally disengages from the ref, and La Resistance win the match.  Probably close to 10 minutes counting the ad break, but I honestly remember very little of the action; I loved the story they told though.  Massively amusing.

After the Match: Edge feigned being upset at the loss of the tag titles, and grabbed one of the title belts away from La Resistance...  but then he got a smile on his face, he turned around and he plastered Benoit with it.  Benoit came up bleeding, and Edge tossed the title belt back to La Resistance.  Anytime Benoit tried to get to his feet, Edge would pounce on him...  it was clear that Edge intended to leave Benoit unconscious.  But that Benoit, he's a tenacious one.  He kept on getting up.  Finally, Edge resorted to Ultimate Douchebaggery: he locked the Crippler Crossface on Benoit! After a minute or so of that, Benoit was tapping out.  Edge finally released the hold, looking very proud of himself for leaving Benoit out cold in a puddle of his own blood.


During the Break: Benoit refused medical attention, and left the ring on his own two feet, to a huge ovation.  So Edge wins in the "sizzle" of the moment by making Benoit tap, but this little addendum means Benoit saves a bit of face, too.  A small touch, but a nice one.

Backstage: Flair and Batista burst in on GM Bischoff, acting upset about the intrusion they had into their locker room earlier. They again want Eric to take control over RAW and sanction Orton, Maven, and Jericho.  And further, Flair says that kind of insubordination would become standard if the inmates run the asylum after Survivor Series, so he demands that Bischoff remove that stipulation from the elimination match at the PPV.  Bischoff says Flair doesn't get it: this is a chance for Evolution to take control over RAW if they want, it's an opportunity for them. And anyway, his vacation is set in stone, so the stip stands.  And as for Orton, Maven, and Jericho: if Evolution wants them punished, they can do it themselves later tonight.  Because Bischoff is booking a six-man main event: Orton/Maven/Jericho vs. Evolution.  Flair says, "whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't do that, HHH isn't even here, you heard him earlier."  But Bischoff says, "I don't believe that for a second.  He's here, he's planning something.  And the six man match is on.  And if HHH really is gone, well I guess I just booked you into a handicapped match."  

Prepared Vignette: Mohammed Hassan and his manager appear on the screen.  Hassan speaks first, hitting a reasonably tone for the first 98% of his promo (about just wanting an opportunity, because he may be Arab American, but he's not a terrorist, and all he asks is the fans give him a chance).  And then the cheap heat shoe drops, as Hassan hits an unnecessarily-evil "Praise Allah."  Pause for boos, and Peoria complies... then Hassan ups the cheapness of the heat by turning it over to his manager, Khosrow Daivari, who translates for "all our Arab brothers."  I'm not one for political correctness or anything, but WWE's gonna have to be very careful with this one; about the only thing genuinely clever about this one-dimensional gimmick is that they renamed Shawn Daivari "Khosrow," which is a cute little homage to the Iron Sheik (whose real name is Khosrow Vaziri).

PPV Hype: seguing out of the vignette, Lawler tries to play the heel by saying he hopes the fans will give Hassan a chance, but JR just stays the hell away from that and moves on to previewing the Survivor Series card.  Each brand has three matches so far, and I'm not gonna recap if you're not paying attention....

Backstage: Shelton Benjamin is WALKING~!  And he's TAPED UP~!  Because he has INJURED RIBS~!  And yet, he's such a noble warrior that he's got a special challenge match coming UP NEXT~!


Shelton Benjamin vs. Viscera

No entrance for Vis, but as soon as Shelton makes his, we settle in for the basic vibe of the match, which is: Viscera is fat and Shelton is hurt.  Viscera uses his fatness to target Shelton's injured ribs.  The match is very basic, and the pace is (to be charitable on a night where I really was digging everything) "methodical."  Christian showed up on the stage to watch the destruction of Benajamin, and is kind of giving orders to Vis (clearly, his goal is to soften Shelton up before the PPV match).  Then, around the 3 minute mark, Shelton starts his comeback, and starts pounding away on Viscera. It's kind of flat, cuz half of Shelton's offense (including his finisher) won't work on a 500 pound man.  Finally, Shelton settles on that leg whip thingie he does, and that's the finisher, and Vis stays down for three.  Shelton wins against all odds!  Whee!  Maybe four minutes, all told, and effective enough for what it was: told its story, even if it was kind of a foregone conclusion of a tale.

After the Match: Christian tried to attack and take advantage of the spent Benjamin, but Shelton countered an Unprettier Attempt, and instead put Christian down with that T-Bone Powerslam of his.  In a surefire sign that I should be the heir apparent to Jim Ross, I begin pondering a Recap Joke Line about how that's "one well-done T-Bone," and 2 seconds later, JR hits a similar riff.  Weird.  Play Shelton's music!

SD! Rebound: I don't recap recaps.  Especially not recaps of crap (and this one again seemed heavy on Tough Enough garbage).


I [HEART] Trish Stratus... In the Exact Same Way I [HEART] Edge!  Mostly!  Except for the Part Where Edge Inspires Absolutely No Filthy, Filthy Thoughts When He Wears Tight Jeans! 

Trish hits the ring, and has something to say... because since she found out that she has to face Lita at Survivor Series, she knows all her family and friends and fans have been worried sick. Because she'll be taking her very life into her hands by facing Lita.  Don't understand how dangerous this situation is for Trish?  Well, that's OK, because Trish sends us to a video package in which she completely explains how Lita is the "Walking Kiss of Death."

Trish's narration is deliciously bitchy, as she goes over Lita's WWE history.  She debuted with Essa Rios, and now, Essa Rios is gone. Then she formed Team XTreme with the Hardys, and then the team broke up and doesn't exist anymore ("Team XTinct, We'll TL-See ya later!" says Trish).  Then (and this is the one that scratched me where I itch, just because it was so unnecessary, and yet so RIGHT) Lita appeared on the hit show "Dark Angel," and immediately afterwards, it got cancelled.  HA!  Then she got back with Matt Hardy, then Matt Hardy got tossed off a stage and his career may be over.  Then she got pregnant by Kane, but she had a miscarriage; and even if she hates Kane, she married him, and now he's gone, too, possibly never to return.  Good stuff, people.

Back live in the ring, Trish says she appreciates all the concern from her family and friends (and "even from you fans, you're all rednecks, but you're still my fans, and you count"), and that Lita truly is a "Walking Kiss of Death" (are we hammering that phrase home enough yet?).  But Trish is also confident that she can overcome Lita at Survivor Series and that Lita doesn't have what it takes to take her women's title.  Finally, Trish hits her punchline about how "Tubby" should just grab a box of donuts and....

BUT YOU DON'T CALL LITA FAT, DAMMIT~!  I don't WANT to make the same joke as last week, but it really is funny to me that for all the forced-sex and unwanted pregnancies and "kiss of death" riffing, it takes "tubby" jokes to make Lita angry and indignant enough to fight back.  So Lita sprints out, and attacks Trish... but apparently, that's what Trish wanted!  It's all a trap, as Gail Kim runs out and suddenly, it's a 2-on-1 attack on Lita.  Gail has apparently switched her henchwoman allegiance, I guess?  Together, Trish and Gail leave Lita lying in the ring.

Self-Congratulatory Moment: WWE thinks voting is neat-o.  How very brave of them to go public with that stance!


Next Week: a decree from Eric Bischoff...  next week's RAW main event will be Chris Benoit vs. Edge.  Should be a dandy!

Chris Jericho/Randy Orton/Maven vs. Ric Flair/Batista (Handicap Match)

Orton started for the faces, and was mostly on offense for your basic back-and-forthy opening sequence.  This was King's cue to ramble about how unfair this was, since HHH wasn't here, while JR countered by saying he thinks Bischoff might have made the right call, and that he thinks HHH is up to something.  I think Maven tagged in for a cup of coffee.  But then Jericho was in, and it was his job to be the Babyface In Peril.

Per the Evolution Formula, this was about 4 minutes of Batista controlling Jericho, then Flair tagging in and being the one who had to "show ass" (as the kids like to say, with their lingo and all, and NOT in the same way he did at the last PPV) for Jericho's hope spot. Then Batista back in, and Jericho's back down.  You've seen this before, trust me.  Finally, Jericho started a comeback that actually stuck.  He managed to make the hot tag to Orton, who came in and cleaned enough house that Flair and Batista decided, "enough of this."  They start to walk out on the match, but just as they get to the ramp, the lights go down, and Lemmy growls, "Time to play the game."  Flair and Batista perk up, as HHH is here to rescue them!

A figure steps into silhouette on the stage.  He's attired in HHH t-shirt and work-out pants.  His water bottle is empty, though... but that doesn't stop him from looking up at the proper music cue, and spewing.... OMG GREEN MIST~!  It's Tajiri, and he whips off the blond wig and makes sure that Batista and Flair don't leave before the match is over.  With Tajiri cutting off the escape, Jericho, Orton, and Maven attack Flair and Batista from behind and drag them back to the ring.  Flair powders out after a beating, and then the faces isolate on Batista.  The numbers work out in their favor, and they pound him down.  Buff Blockbuster from Maven.  Lionsault from Jericho.  And then Orton (the legal man) gets the RKO in.  Pinfall win for Orton over Batista.  Very solid, if basic, 10 minute main event.

And although this is another RAW that ends with Randy Orton's ear-splittingly-awful theme song playing, a part of me doesn't give a shit... because it also ends with Tajiri involved in the post-main event celebration!  This exceptionally strong edition of RAW fades out on Jericho, Tajiri, Orton, and Maven celebrating on the stage...


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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