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OO bRAWd RECAP
Hogan Knows Who Can Carry Him Best 
August 17, 2005

by The Broad
Undisputed Lady and Mistress of OnlineOnslaught.com

 

This will be my last RAW recap in quite a while. School starts back up again next week, and my schedule features an 8:00 a.m. Tuesday class (one specifically designed to kill me, I've decided.) Don't get me wrong; I enjoy recapping RAW, but I'm sure as hell not going to stay up until 3:00 in the morning doing it when I have to get up so early the next day.
 
And I don't know about you, but I've seriously lost my interest in wrestling recently. I only saw about half of last week's show (yes, I'm the friend Rick was talking about in last week's recap), and popped in a DVD around 10:00 when it became clear to me that the show wasn't going to make any effort to hold my attention. Hell,

wouldn't you have done the same if you'd finally found Eddie Izzard's "Definite Article" at Best Buy? That shit is hilarious, and I've been on a bit of an Izzard kick lately, so you might find a few references to him in this recap. I'll try and stick to "Dress to Kill," because that's the one you're most likely to have seen. If anyone can spot all the Izzard shout-outs in this recap, then you're just as pathetic as I am. And if you don't know who Eddie Izzard is... well, that's your loss, seeing as several of the jokes in the recap will make no sense to you.

Oh yeah, and I also just watched the first season of Deadwood on DVD, so you'll probably see a few shout-outs to that as well (or at least a "cocksucker" or two.) And if you haven't seen that show, then I don't want to know you.

Alrighty, let's get this show on the road.

Live from Montreal, Quebec

Cold Open: "How to Get Heel Heat" for Dummies

Sweet. I love recapping shows in Canada. No pyro or anything this time around, but that's not really needed when the crowd is as fired up as this one. Shawn Michaels saunters down the ramp to open the show, and if you didn't see it, I can't really adequately describe the heat he's getting. His "Who's your daddy, Montreal?" is met with boos of such force that you'd think he just shat on the grave of Stu Hart before entering the arena. Seriously -- Michaels doesn't have to pause to let the crowd boo; the crowd picks and chooses when to quiet down enough to let him speak. And it doesn't happen often in this promo, and I'll be damned if it isn't awesome.

I'd also like to point out that HBK is wearing a suit with a pale yellow shirt and a pink silk tie. Hee. Douche.

HUGE "You Screwed Bret!" chants. Michaels responds by singing, "O Canada.... How I hate this place/O Canada, I'm gonna kick Hulk Hogan right in the face." Not bad, Michaels, but you were a little pitchy. Also, work on controlling that vibrato. He admits that he's no singer; he's just trying out for Canadian Idol to get on TV. But he IS the Showstoppa, the Headliner, the Main Event, and the Icon of WWE. He tries to address Hogan, but the "You Screwed Bret!" chants drown him out. When they die down, he guarantees that he'll give Hogan and the fans something to remember at Summerslam. He goes on, but once again he's cut off by a monstrous "Asshole" chant.

Michaels then decides to dig the knife in a little further, bringing up Survivor Series and Bret Hart. Huge "We Want Bret!" chant. No, not huge. DEAFENING. "You want Bret?" retorts HBK. "You're not gonna get Bret, because I screwed Bret." He did it once, and he'd do it again. "If Bret the Hitman Hart had any guts, and he walked down that aisle tonight [huge pop] into this ring, and looked me eye-to-eye like a man, I'd say, 'Hitman, I screwed you once, and I'll screw you again.' Because -- "

Just then, the familiar wailing of the electric guitar in Bret Hart's music cues up. A louder pop I have never heard, and even I have to admit that I held some small shred of hope that Bret would make an appearance the first time I watched this. Logically, I knew it wouldn't happen, but stranger things have happened before, and this crowd was practically salivating at the possibility.

HBK looks scared for about 30 seconds, and then starts laughing his ass off. "Got your hopes up just a little bit, didn't I?" JR: "Dammit." Me too, Jim. Me too. HBK says that we will never hear or see Bret Hart inside a WWE ring again, and is met with an "Asshole!" chant. He then addresses Hogan and said that he screwed Bret Hart, and he'll do it to Hogan too. HBK says that he's everything the Montreal fans wish they could be: he does what he wants, when he wants to do it, and Hogan's never had to deal with anyone like him before. He taunts Hogan for a moment, but....

"Real American" cues up, and the crowd goes apeshit for the second time tonight. Michaels takes off his jacket and looks ready to fight, but soon falls to the canvas laughing. "The first time, maybe I'm cruel... the second time, you show the world that Montreal is everything I ever said it was. You Canucks are not the sharpest knives in the drawer." You say that now, Michaels, but how are you at Canasta?

He says he knows the fans would love nothing more than to have Bret or Hogan come down to the ring and give him what's coming to him, but that will never happen because: 1) Nobody in the industry can touch him, and 2) big shots like Hogan and Hart don't show up in their limos until after the show starts. Just then, the crowd decides to serenade him with a rousing rendition of "Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!" Heh. Michaels just sits down in the middle of the ring and takes off his pink tie (tool), biding his time. The song evaporates into boos: "Now that we understand who's running the show, I'll continue." Man, that's brilliant. He addresses Hogan again and says that he hates him for the same reason he hates Bret Hart: he stands on a moral high ground and passes judgment on everyone else. And Hogan? He stands for just about anything. "There's not a real bone in your body." Aw, Michaels don't know nuthin' about real recognizing real, homey. Cena can tell you 'bout that shit.

Huh. "Homey" is in my spell-checker, but "homie" is not.

He says Hogan is the biggest star in WWE history, and he wants him to bring his big star and his yellow boa and his sunglasses and all that crap down to the ring with him at Summerslam. Nice "Shut the fuck up!" chant to that, which is bleeped. Cocksucking FCC. Michaels takes off his shirt in the meantime, revealing a cross around his neck. To quote Dan Dority, he's just hypocrite enough to wear it. He mocks the crowd for their language, and says while they talk it, he walks it. "Hogan, at Summerslam, you're one move from your star being snuffed out. You don't believe me? Just ask Bret the Hitman Hart." And with that, he drops the mic and leaves the ring.

Fabulous opener that accomplished three things:

1. Making Canada and the rest of the Western world hate HBK's guts,

2. Putting some final sizzle on the HBK/Hogan feud, which Michaels is pretty much carrying on his back at this point, and

3. Convincing Bret Hart to make one last WWE appearance.

#1 and #2 were easy. Time will tell if #3 was enough.

Later tonight: Hulk Hogan v. Kurt Angle, and John Cena v. Chris Jericho and Carlito.

[ads]

Last Monday: The Heartthrobs defeated Hurricane and Rosey in a mixed-tag match. (Brought to you by Bod Man body spray. I couldn't help but notice that they have a fragrance called "Really Ripped Abs." No, I'm not kidding. Yes, I will punch any man I know who wears it.)

Backstage: The Diva Search girls are chatting away about something vapid. The winner will be announced later tonight.

The Heartthrobs v. Big Show (Handicap Match)

The Heartthrobs are already in the ring, but we still get to see their hilarious stripping-and-dancing routine before Big Show makes his entrance to a great ovation. God, I love Canadian crowds. They're incredibly fired up for this, and their joy at seeing Big Show is contagious, as he's obviously having a blast. I dunno, it just makes me smile to see everyone out there having such a good time, wrestlers included. Well, except for Antonio and Romeo, who will be on the receiving end of chops so loud it makes me cringe.

There's not much point to doing play-by-play here, as it's a one-sided squash for Show. You know those little balls with bells inside them that housecats play with? Picture a tiger swatting one of those around, and you'll have a pretty good idea of what this match looked like. On spot worth describing: Romeo was knocked to the outside, and Show reaches over the top rope and palms his head like a basketball, yanking him back up to the ring apron. Sure, Romeo had to help a bit, but it still looked freaking cool. A double back-body-drop and double chokeslam later, Show wins easily. The match only took about three minutes. Not much to it, but tons of fun.

Winner: Big Show

[ads]

Eugene Gold Medal Invitational

Eugene and Christy make their way to the ring to a pretty good pop, and Christy is really starting to get on my nerves. Eugene grabs a mic and somehow manages to stutter out, "J'aime beaucoup Montreal!" He even pronounced Montreal "Moe-ray-al," in the proper French fashion. Très bien, Eugene. Et je dois partir maintenant parce que ma grand-mère est flambée. Aussi, le singe est sur la branche. (If you don't speak French, by the way, all that was fucking funny.) He welcomes everyone to the Gold Medal invitational, and says that the "Hometown Hero" speaks French better than he does. And out comes René Duprée to a nice pop, even though his current style of facial hair means that he now vaguely resembles a ferret. He barely gets a chance to start the match before Angle runs in, tossing the French Phenom and attacking Eugene.

He stomps away and hits an Angle Slam, looking possessed all the while. He grabs a mic: "You think it's funny, huh? A special person running around wearing my Olympic gold medal!" Uh, Kurt? You're a heel. It's okay for a bad guy to say "retard." He rants for a minute and gets in Eugene's face, telling him that he's going to beat Hogan's ass and he wants Eugene to watch. "And that won't be half of what I'm gonna do to you at Summerslam. I'm gonna make you cry. I'm gonna make you scream for your life! And I'm gonna make you see that I'm the most vicious son of a bitch in the WWE!" Kurt is pissed and psycho and completely fucking awesome here. He even manages to make me care a little bit about his match on Sunday.

Last Week: That bullshit angle with Chad Patton. You saw it, so I'm not recapping it. Though I will point out that John Cena waited until Patton had been destroyed before making the save. Nice timing, fuckwad.

Up Next: The Diva Search. Yay?

[ads]

The Diva Search: No Shirt, No Shoes, No Implants, No Service

Hmm. So the three remaining "divas" are Ashley (Avril), Leyla (Skanky McSkankerson) and Elisabeth (the athletic one without implants.) Elisabeth is cut, meaning that the remaining two contestants are nothing more than boob jobs with legs. Whoopty-shit. I decide to root for Ashley (Avril) because I have the exact same pair of boots she's wearing, and they're pretty kickass shoes if I do say so myself.

At the Announce Table: JR and Lawler discuss the Matt Hardy/Edge/Lita situation, and segue into a...

Video Package: Basically, lots of footage of Matt and Lita sucking face, and then footage of Edge and Lita sucking face.

Backstage: Jericho, Bischoff, and Carlito are chilling in the GM's office. They plug Summerslam, and then cackle about how they're going to soften up John Cena tonight. Bischoff steps in and says that he's got a plan for tonight: seeing how John Cena is nothing without his "Chain Gang," they're going to turn the crowd against him. And they will do that by being Canadian. Hee. Yes, it's lame, but it struck me as funny, so shut up. Jericho's "Uh, boss?" reaction was hysterical, too. But he's from western Canada, which is way different from Montreal (according to him.) Carlito isn't sure, but Bischoff says they'll just say he's from southern Canada, and nobody will figure it out. Carlito: "Check it out... Thas cool, eh?" Snerk.

[ads, including the "Diva Carwash" one for Summerslam. Is it just me, or is Torrie Wilson looking kinda rough these days? Lay off the tanning bed, girl, and maybe your skin wouldn't resemble distressed leather so much.]

John Cena v. Chris Jericho and Carlito

Bischoff walks down to the ring first, proudly waving the Canadian flag. I really think that the crowd should have just gone with it and wildly cheered all three men, especially if they really wanted to fuck with WWE a bit.

Cena is -- Christ, does that t-shirt have a skull on it? WWE just can't stop dropping the Steve Austin-sized anvils, can they?

Jericho teases starting, but tags in Carlito instead. They fight over a lockup and go punchy-kicky for a minute with Cena in control. Jericho distracts long enough for Carlito to get the advantage. Cena fights back with a shoulderblock and a back body-drop, and pulls in Jericho long enough to send him flying outside. Carlito is neatly tossed right after him, which would make it a good time for some...

[ads]

We're back, and Jericho has the better of John Cena (thanks to Bischoff interference during the commercial break.) He stomps away and distracts the ref long enough for Carlito to choke Cena out. Suplex and an elbow for Jericho. Carlito tags in and pounds away, but a suplex attempt is reversed. Carlito manages to get the tag, though, and Jericho chokes away. Cena fights back, but gets his eyes raked for his troubles.

Question: if Cena goes blind, can he still recognize real?

Carlito back in with a neckbreaker, which gets two. Twice. He goes to the rear chinlock, which Cena fights out of, only to eat a spinebuster. That gets two. Jericho back in with a missile dropkick for two. More choking. Maybe if I cared about Cena, I'd care about this match. Since I don't, this is going veerrrrrrry slowly. I do get a laugh when Carlito spits an apple into Cena's face when the ref's back is turned, though. Heh. Also, this just in: Carlito is left-handed. Am I the last person to notice this?

Cena finally fights back, but Jericho goes nuts on him with rights and tags in Carlito. DDT gets two. I like Carlito, but Lita's DDT is better than his. Jericho back in. More choking and chops. Blind charge misses, but Jericho hits the running enziguri and tries for the Walls, but gets shoved into Carlito, knocking him off the apron.

Cena finally gets the upper hand, wailing away on Jericho and hiptossing Carlito. Sideslam on Carlito. Jericho interrupts, but gets tossed outside, and Cena catches Carlito in an F-U for the win.

Winner: John "Homey" Cena

Just so we're clear: Chris Jericho cannot beat John Cena, even in a handicap match with outside interference. Cena is not allowed to lose in any situation, apparently, because he's just that real. Arrrgggggggggggggg. Way to build the suspense for Summerslam, WWE. Jericho wallops Cena with a chair afterwards, but it doesn't improve my mood.

[ads]

Diva Search, Part Two: The Revenge

Coach brings the final two contestants, Avril and Skanky McSkankerson, to the ring. Okay, I know I can come up with better nicknames than that. How's about "Englebert Slaptyback" and "Slut Banwala"? I didn't vote for either of them, seeing as "cake" and "death" weren't options on the poll. They show a video package detailing the Diva Search thus far, and nobody cares. And the winner is... Avril. She says she's not girly, but she sure shrieks and cries and yells "Oh my God!" over and over pretty prissily. Well, at least her boots are still cool. She thanks the crowd profusely and screams, "I'm goin' to Summerslam!" And if she meets Trish in the ring and gets her ass kicked, I won't be complaining. Just sayin'.

Later tonight: Angle will face Hulk Hogan.

[ads]

Edge (with Lita) v. Val Venis (Special Foregone Conclusion Match)

Sigh. This show started out so promisingly. And no, I'm not doing a play-by-play for this. It's a competently worked 5-minute match between two good performers, one of whom is stuck in a badly bungled feud and the other who has all the credibility of Stacy Keibler given the way he's been handled for the last five years. It's a pretty good match, but it is so completely and utterly pointless that I won't even bother.

Of note: Edge gets a fairly good face pop, but there are some boos thrown in. He also busts out a new submission move that's half Figure Four, half Sharpshooter. Venis taps after about five minutes. Lita? Still a "putain," as Les Quebecois would say.

Winner: Edge

Backstage: Super Stacy is checkin' herself out in the mirror when Rob Conway butts in. He kinda hits on her, but she already has a man: Hurricane. Conway, along with everyone else: "Are you serious?" Hurricane: "Chicks dig superheroes, not super-zeroes." BURN! Except... not.

[ads]

Last Week: Hogan saved Eugene from an Angle beatdown.

Later tonight: Hogan v. Angle.

Rob Conway v. The Hurricane (w/ Stacy Keibler)

Edge and Randy Orton shared the crowd for a while, but I can now safely say that Rob Conway has the Worst. Entrance. Music. Ever. Good lord. The first time I heard it? Jaw on floor. It's that bad. Entrance music should not be so awful that it stuns the crowd into silence.

As for this match? See my comments on Edge/Venis, but cut the match time in half. Do two-and-a-half minute matches really need chinlocks? Conway hits the Ego Trip and a top-rope elbow for the win.

Winner: Rob Conway

[ads]

Summerslam Lineup: No, I really don't care.

Kurt Angle's Ring Entrance

Wow. That's a great entrance. So great, in fact, that we should take a break now!

[ads. Good timing, guys! I needed to calm down after that.]

The Animated Corpse of Hulk Hogan v. Kurt Angle

Hogan's pretty tan for a corpse, though not quite as limber. In the crowd, someone has a "J'ai faim" sign. The hell? Get some nachos, dude. Unless il a faim for some good wrestling, in which case he's come to the wrong place. Not even Kurt Angle can do that when this opponent.

Hogan slugs away to start, putting his sunglasses and bandana on Angle before clocking him once again. Heh. Okay, that was kind of cute. Outside, he sends Angle flying into the ringpost. Hogan breaks up the count and saunters over to Angle, Kevin-Nash style, and introduces Angle's skull to the ring steps. More punches, and into the ringpost again. Kurt Angle: Human Pinball!

Back in, Angle manages to get in a cheap shot and stomps away, choking Hogan with his boot. Punches and uppercuts to Hogan in the corner, followed by a back suplex that gets two. Yes, Hogan took a back suplex and didn't break an artificial hip, but it was pretty much all Kurt lifting dead weight. More choking on the ring ropes and clubbing forearms to the back. Snapmare (!) on Hogan and a chinlock, which lasts a few minutes. The hand goes up and falls once... twice... but not a third time. Hogan fights out with elbows and reverses to a sleeper of his own, but Angle reverses that to a back suplex for two.

Angle Slam (made all the more impressive by the "dead weight" aspect of it) gets two, and Hogan starts hulking up. Finger Wag and punches follow. Hogan tries to hit the big boot, but succeeds only in getting his foot to make contact with the lower part of Angle's sternum (told ya -- animated corpses only have limited flexibility.) Kurt still sells it like a champ, though.

Hogan plays with the crowd too long, though, and walks right into a flying forearm by an interfering Shawn Michaels before he can go for the Legdrop O' Doom.

Winner: The Animated Corpse of Hulk Hogan (via DQ)

Michaels teases some Sweet Chin Music, but instead opts to go for the Sharpshooter. Well, in theory. It takes him about five minutes to get Hogan into position, but he does finally lock it in as well as he possibly can. It still looks like crap, though. And that's our final image on RAW before Summerslam, as a deafening "You Screwed Bret!" chant ends the show. 

E-MAIL ERIN
BROWSE THE RAW RECAP ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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