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HHH: Jerk by Accident.
Foley: Jerk on Purpose. 
May 16, 2006

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com


Somebody needs to tell FOX that they aren't a real network. Tonight, I came *thisclose* to missing out on about 20 minutes of "24" because FOX decided to pretend to be all grown up and actually showed Parsdent Boosh's soul-crushingly-pointless speech where he did nothing other than display a WWE-like inability to prioritize correctly. If Mexico is even in the top 100 of issues he should be thinking about these days, I will -- in the literal sense -- actually eat a bug.
My DVR is apparently about as well-read and socially-conscious as the American Populace, so it apparently didn't know about Bush's speech when it started going about its recording-bidness tonight. Luckily, I still sat my ass down on the couch around 9:30, and had time to identify and correct the scheduling problem. Barely. 

As a result of the 15-20 minute scheduling shift to accommodate W., I was also subjected to a confusing (and luckily very-brief) display of "Prison Break".... which I only mention because it's a good excuse to do a riff about how I've long held the tried-and-true belief that "guys with two first names can't be trusted." Like "Eric Rudolph," who it turns out is guilty of the Olympic Bombing I talked about last week (and which I said I thought was unsolved since all I remembered was that they arrested that one fat guy, who turned out to be guilty of nothing more than being an extraordinary-dumpy eyesore). 

But it turns out that, in this Age of Douchebaggery, the people you REALLY have to be cognizant of are the guys with NO first names. "Tucker Carlson" is a fine example of somebody who needs to be slapped firmly, and frequently. Also (to a lesser degree) "Anderson Cooper." And I forget why, but in the last week, I was reminded that the no-personality-having, unwatchable man-bimbo who is the lead actor on "Prison Break" is named "Wentworth Miller." Which is a name so awful that it should entitle one to a one-way ticket directly into the heart of the sun. For both the owner of the name and for the assclown parents what labeled him.

But I digress. I really am in a foul mood the past few days. And I really do think it's this weird-ass weather. Four days in the middle of May where it's perpetually twilight and 50-degrees? That ain't right. In fact, it doesn't just make me foul, it also tends to make me lethargic, so who the hell knows if this RAW Recap will be up to my usual standards.....

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live from Lubbock, TX, about which I know nothing other than they have Bobby Knight, and Bloomington, IN, doesn't, and I'm still sad about that. According to all our fancy chyron, it appears that we have one hell of a big show tonight, and it all starts NEXT with....

Triple H vs. John Cena (Not)

Note to WWE: until you actually start a show with your advertised "main event," every time you cart out your advertised "main event" in the opening slot and then bait-and-switch, it is open season for assholes like me to take potshots at how anvilicious it is when turns out you're reneging on your advertised main event. 

On the upside: they really had Lilian Garcia try to sell the idea we were about to get a WWE Title Match. And once again, Lilian confounds me by being all dressed-up and girly-girl in EXACTLY the kind of way that is actually totally hot. I can't even adequately explain it, as I am a man of simple, unjaded tastes who tends to be annoyed by such unnecessary fluffery. Honestly: to me, the defining characteristics of what goes into "hot" is still formed by those college memories of running into chicks for breakfast downstairs in the dining room of Virgina W. Kettering Hall (the bestest dormitory in all of southwest Ohio, by the way! every room was a four-room suite!), where rolling-out-of-bed in wafer-thin halter-tops and precariously-tied PJ-pants looked *damned* fine to me. To this day, that's still all I needs to put a smile on my face on Any Given Sunday morning. Hair, make-up, stylist? Who the fuck needs 'em? An appointment with a toothbrush is pretty much all a tasty broad needs to render herself presentable, if you ask The Me! And yet, recently: Lilian's ability to rock some thigh-highs and fancy dresses -- and without it looking like she was trying too hard -- have not evaded my discerning eye, either. I can only presume this is healthier than my short-lived fixation on Lita's fetching, bare-chested sluttiness? 

Anyway, Lilian does the fancy Boxing-Style Introduction for HHH, who comes out to his Full Standard Entrance. And then she does the same for Cena, who does NOT come out. Instead, he's replaced by Vince McMahon, who Silly Walks to the ring to make an announcement.

You see: the WWE Title will still be on the line tonight, but just not in the match that had been originally announced. Instead, Vince McMahon has decided to make a special match: a 3-on-2 Texas Tornado Match in which both the WWE and IC Titles are on the line! John Cena will be joined by Rob Van Dam, and they'll be opposed by HHH, Shelton Benjamin, and Chris F. Masters! How about that?
HHH is not pleased. But he also has no time to argue, since Vince cues Cena's music (and the accompanying Mixed Reaction), and Cena sprints out to jumpstart this mother.....

John Cena and Rob Van Dam vs. Triple H, Shelton Benjamin, and Chris F. Masters (Texas Tornado, WWE/IC Title Match)

As Cena takes the brawl to HHH, Masters and Shelton both sprint out to join the fray. Is this 2 or 3 weeks in a row that WWE has found some excuse to spare us CFM's Shittiest Ring Entrance Of All Time? I dunno, but I appreciate it.

When Cena is faced with the 3-on-1, Rob Van Dam makes his own sprint out to the ring. Things briefly break down along the lines you'd probably expect (Cena vs. HHH outside the ring, and RVD vs. Shelton/CFM inside the ring).... but since we've already had an opening promo and a few moments of a match, we can't really be dawdling here. We need to get to some commercials! 

So we very quickly ramp up to a spot where Cena and HHH have decimated each other outside the ring. Then RVD tosses CFM out near them. Then RVD does about 30 seconds of coolness with Shelton (tossing Shelton out on the OTHER side of the ring from the other 3 guys), and then RVD does a wacky dive onto Cena/HHH/CFM, giving us our opening for the.... 


Back, and it's just HHH and Cena in the ring (everybody else is laid out at ringside). HHH is in command for a bit, but then Cena stages a mild comeback with a trio of Wacky Shoulder Tackles. Sadly, Jim Ross did not call them "unorthodox" (in fact, I think I later caught him referring to RVD as "unorthodox" which really ruins the fun of pretending that "unorthodox" is JR's secret code for "sucky").

After Cena's mini-comeback, HHH was out of commission, and Cena made the mistake of going outside to corral some of the other guys. All he got for his troubles was a stiff kick to the face from Shelton, and so Cena spent the next 3 minutes passed out in the front row....

Shelton and Masters spent a few minutes double-teaming RVD, and were eventually joined by Triple H. Predictably, the well-oiled-machinosity of it all took a dive as soon as Shelton and Masters started going for pinfalls (which didn't sit well with HHH, who -- according to the logic of the match -- apparently was still loitering around waiting for WWE Champ Cena to get back in the ring). The in-fighting among the heels allowed RVD to make his comeback, and he actually had CFM lined up for the Frog Splash.... but that's when HHH shoved him off the top rope and introduced RVD to the front row of fans. RVD? Out of commission for a bit.

After after was hoisted to ringside, Cena finally left his seat in the first row to get back in the match. He immediately polished off HHH, and when Shelton and CFM got their asses in gear, he took them out, too. I believe he actually used a trio of shittily-performed suplexes to finish everybody off before settling for the shittly-performed STF on Shelton.

And thus we entered an admittedly very-creative and neat End Game. 

Masters broke up the STF on Shelton. RVD returned to attack Masters. Simultaneously, HHH hit a Pedigree on RVD while Cena hit the F-U on Masters. Then HHH and Cena turned and faced each other, and HHH got the better of it: Pedigree to Cena~!

Problem is: one second before HHH dropped down to cover Cena, Shelton Benjamin draped an arm over the Pedigreed Carcass of RVD, and the ref was looking at THAT pinfall. So the ref counts three, and the bell rings, and HHH thinks he's the new WWE Champ. But he is wrong.

Your Winner, and NEW InterContinental Champion: Shelton Benjamin, via pinfall, in about 10-12 minutes. Yeah, this amounts to a bait-and-switch by WWE, after they spent a week promising Cena/HHH.... but damned if that last 2-3 minutes was very effectively and creatively booked to make me forget all about my nascent pissiness. The IC Title is off RVD's waist (whish is a good thing heading into the revival of ECW, since it was only muddying the waters), and HHH now has an "unofficial" pinfall over Cena (which is also a necessary element if you're gonna press ahead with yet another chapter of their story).


During the Break: Todd Grisham tries to interview Triple H, and ends up illustrating precisely why "WWE Unlimited" is an unmitigated load of tripe to any fan with an IQ greater than his waistline.

Hot Lesbian Overtones?

So Trish Stratus hits the ring. In deference to The Me, she is again working the simple jeans-and-t-shirt vibe. In deference to Texas, she's accessorizing with white cowboy boots which look a bit silly, but which I'll allow as a one-week affectation.

Trish grabs a mic and says that she might be a bit injured, but this isn't about a wrestling match and it's not about the women's title. It's just about getting even with Mickie James.... so won't Mickie please come out here and take her medicine? The announcers question Trish's sanity for challenging Mickie to a fight (given her wounded status), but it's too late to talk sense to Toronto's Finest: cuz here's Mickie.

Mickie takes the time to do this real slow-like: she figures Trish is one-armed and dead-meat, so there's a lot of gesturing (of the Broad variety) before Mickie finally charges.... and when she does, Trish evades her with the Matix. In a very spot-on reaction-take, Mickie spazzes out and is all "I can't fucking believe I fell for that." I don't know why, but it just strikes me as cool that somebody would react to a borderline-implausible move like the Matrix with that response.

Anyway, while Mickie's spazzing out about having been Matrixed, Beth Phoenix has entered the ring. And when Mickie finally turns back around to address Trish, she gets a clothesline for her troubles. Mickie scampers away as fast as she can, casting worrying glances back towards the ring....

And sure enough, Trish gets a mic, and says something about Mickie meeting "my new best friend, Beth" (oy), and then Beth takes the mic and says that it's time the world knew that Trish isn't the only one Mickie has "screwed." Double oy. You know, they kept it vague, and I'll give it a few weeks to play out, but why do I get the sinking feeling that I was *supposed* to feel the lesbianosity? It doesn't help that Beth pretty much EXACTLY splits the difference between "built like a brick shithouse" and "Chyna" when it comes to the category of "Mannishness." There's just enough there to make you wonder if WWE won't do something silly....

Crap: Kane's movie had its premiere last Monday in LA. And I Fast Forwarded.


This Week in Wrestling: Bruno Sammartino something something. I try to be well-read and well-schooled, but I still had my cherry popped by the Hogan Era, and trying to get me to care about Bruno would probably be like asking my kids (assuming I ever find the woman worthy to bear them) to some day take my word that Tazz was a super-awesome wrestler back in the dark ages.

Backstage: Triple H is seething over his not-quite-a-title-win when in walks Shane McMahon. Shane has a message from his dad: you see, there's another match tonight, and it's Spirit Squad Kenny vs. Shawn Michaels. "If you think I'm special refereeing that shite, you're out of your mind" says Trips' stare. But no worries, *Shane* is the special referee for the match. But Vince just wants Hunter to come on out and be in Kenny's corner. You know, to keep an eye on HBK. "What do you say, Champ?".... another DeathStare 5000 at the mention of "Champ" from HHH, and an immediate Chickenshit Apology from Shane. But it looks like HHH has no choice, and will once again have to do Vince's bidding later in the night....

The Spirit Squad vs. Heterosexuality

The Non-Kenny members of the Spirit Squad make a grand entrance, and assemble in the ring to do a cheer. Said cheer is (purposely-)badly done, and seems to reveal that we've got a Tag Title match coming up. After these....


The Spirit Squad vs. Goldust/Snitsky (Tag Title Match)

Of note: it's not just Trish and Lilian who seem to be interested in making wardrobe choices that please The Rick.... the Spirit Squad has also finally taken my advice: well, they haven't put their jerseys back on, but they DID take the time to have somebody stencil their names on the backs of their unitards, so I can tell them apart! No longer are they Kenny and the Four Not-Kennys!

This is how I can tell you that Johnny and Nicky are the official participants in this match. Johnny? Good. Nicky? Not so much. But it's alright: they left Mikey out of it for a reason (so he could provide the sweet-ass illegal interference at the end). 

Opening minutes? Snitsky started and out-powered the Squad. I hate Snitsky, so that's all I got to say about that. Goldust tagged in, and briefly tried to out-gay the Squad with ass-related offense, but that backfired. Thanks to a 4-man Numbers Game, the Squad managed to distract the ref and destroy Goldust illegally, setting us up for our legally-obligated Babyface in Peril.

This week, the "legal" Squad members against tried to work a pretty straight-up style during the heel beatdown, but at least Mikey and Mitch on the outside were mincing around and engaging the crowd a bit. I still think there's room for playing off the crowd's inherent loathing of male cheerleaders to add some sizzle to the Squad's matches, but this was still an improvement over the past few weeks.

"Hot" tag finally comes to Snitsky, who gets one pass through all four members of the Squad, and then things start to break down. Goldust even gets back in the ring, and we got ourselves a Pier Sixer.

In the chaos, the ref is looking the wrong way when Mikey uses the Trampampoline to hit this cool-ass from-the-floor-to-the-middle-of-the-ring flying bulldog on Snitsky. Mikey drapes Johnny over Snitsky, the ref turns around, and that's that.

Your Winners, and Still Tag Champs: the Spirit Squad, via pinfall, in about 8 minutes. Very simple, very formula, but not unfun. And I really did dig the finishing spot.


Mick Foley is a Jerkface

Mick comes on out to the ring to "explain himself." But before he gets to the point, he makes a few flattering non-sequiturs about Melina (playing off a running "man crush" gag he has going in his WWE.com column). Awwwww, Mick and Melina, sitting in a tree. And so forth.

Sadly, it seems they either don't get the internet in Texas or that nobody is reading Mick's WWE.com column, so the funny asides flop... and Mick has no choice but to cut to the chase. He says he knows that what he did last week was "unbelievable" in the literal sense. Mick himself can't even believe that he raised Edge's hand or kissed Lita on the cheek. Much less believe what he did to hardcore posterboy Tommy Dreamer.

So after a week of thinking about it, Mick wants to say he's sorry. He wishes he could say it right to Dreamer's face, but "It seems Tommy had an adverse reaction to a barbed wire baseball bat converging with his genitalia. Who knew?" And it's casually-supplied killer lines like that which make Mick OO Favorite Numero Uno.

So instead of apologizing to Tommy, Mick had a better idea for this week: he'd apologize to a man who has been lighting up Mick's voice-mail for the past week, berating him for his bad behavior. He'd apologize to a man who was "hardcore" before "hardcore" was cool. He'd apologize to Tommy's friend. He'd apologize to his own mentor. He'd apologize to Texas' native son.....

Terry Funk.

Out comes Terry, looking significantly longer-in-the-tooth than his last WWF appearances. Mick tries to extend the Insincere Handshake, but Terry's all "Not so fast, Cactus." Sadly, after convincingly hitting that line, he's also all Orton-esque as he delivers a diatribe that amounts to "I know why you did what you did to Dreamer last week. So now I'm here, and you should tell me why you did what you did to Dreamer last week." Huh?

Mick's nimble-minded, though, and quickly quarterbacks us through the awkward verbosity, saying that he did what he did to protect the sanctity of what Mick and Edge did at WrestleMania. Mick and Edge took years off their lives, all in the name of giving the fans the best hardcore match ever, and Foley is not gonna stand by and let any "ECW no-names" tarnish the legacy of what it is to be hardcore.

Mick says there are three things in this life that he'll defend to his death: (1) the honor of his wife, (2) the honor of his children, and (3) the legacy of hardcore wrestling. Mick did what he did to Dreamer to defend #3 last week.

Funk speaks up at this point, saying that Mick doesn't get it, because whether Mick likes it or not, Mick *is* ECW. And ECW is family. And Terry is ECW. Which makes Mick and Terry "family" via the Transitive Theory of Promo'ing. In fact, Terry picks this precise moment to make an emotional revelation: he and Foley have been through hell together, but Terry was always able to put his arm around Mick at the end of the night and call him "friend." And more than that: Mick was like a son to Terry. "A son, Terry?" "A son, Mick." Now come over here and hug yer old man!

So Mick insincerely hugs Terry, and then pulls away, saying that Terry's the Worst Dad Ever. Mick references a retirement ceremony thingie WWE did for him in 2003, and says that he went through the whole thing, was honored by just about every important friend and foe he ever had in the wrestling business, and at the end of the night, he only had one thing on his mind: "Where was Terry Funk?".... and he got told that Funk demanded too much money to come in and make the cameo appearance on RAW. What kind of dad would do that to a son?

Mick dialed up the assholitude at this point, saying that he's spent years cultivating "his" WWE fans and "his" WWE Legacy and it was bush league that Funk wasn't there on his crowning night. So in return for that, Mick can't wait for the inevitable phone call -- be it next year or 2 years or whatever -- when he finds out that Funk has gone to the big Doublecross Ranch in the Sky. And somebody will ask him to come back to this cesspool that is West Texas (man alive, Foley can work the cheap pop, but here was an expert use of the Cheap Heat~!) to eulogize Terry Funk. And Foley won't ask for a dime. Because it'll be worth it just to be right there to "Spit on your grave, you greedy, selfish son of a bitch." Whoa. 

This finally gets Funk's dander up, and he says Mick's gone too far, and now, Funk's gonna "John Wayne yer ass." All Mick has to do is start things off by taking his best shot. Mick suddenly gets timid. So Funk bitchslaps him a few times. Mick still doesn't want to do this. So Funk says "Foley, yer wife's a whore." Mick still doesn't step up to defend her honor. "Foley, yer kids are batards." Mick still doesn't step up. "Foley, the WWE sucks and your legacy is bogus." And NOW Mick turns around and pops Funk in the face. Nice touch: Foley's a jerk for letting rips on his wife and kids go, but you do NOT fuck with Foley's "WWE Legacy"! What a sell-out! BOO~!

Foley and Funk traded fists, but Edge ran out to interject himself pretty quickly.... but Funk's middle aged and crazy, and actually handled Edge, as well. What he COULDN'T handle was Lita sneaking up behind him and upper-cutting him in the ballsac. Throw in a couple barbed wire baseball bat shots from Edge and an abbreviated Mandible Socko from Foley, and Funk's laid out rather decisively.

Excellent, EXCELLENT segment. Some will trash Funk's addle-mindedness, but I love promos that don't sound scripted, and the simple truth is that as long as you have somebody as quick-witted as Mick driving the Conversation Ship, it won't get too far off course. Funk might have missed a line or two, but who cares when he still nailed the EMOTION of the segment? (Compare to Orton or Masters flubbing lines, and lacking the gravitas to compellingly move past it.) Also: Texas never was a huge ECW market, so carting Local Boy Funk out in this spot was a perfect, clever way to get the live fans to react massively to the segment (in a way that the Disneyland fans did NOT react to Dreamer the week before), while still tacitly making this about the ECW storyline.


Eugene vs. Matt Striker

Holy christ: Striker's following his OO Notes, too, in the wardrobe department. This week, the sweater vest isn't argyle.... it's bright pink. What a tool! I want to punch him! This is a compliment!

Striker prefaces the match with a brief promo that basically amounts to "Texas Tech is populated by dum dums who couldn't get into the University of Texas." That goes over GREAT with the locals -- and Striker admittedly plays the role of a fucktard brilliantly -- but doesn't give me much to work with here as a recapper who couldn't give two shits about the Big 12 Conference or the people who go to school there.

So after Striker's mocked the locals, Eugene comes out wearing a big foam cowboy hat. Hey, I guess if Trish can rock the silly-looking boots for a week.... but in this case, the hat becomes a prop almost immediately: when Striker rips the hat off and tosses it to ringside, Eugene is obligated to pretend like this deeply offends him. So he goes to tend to his poor hat. And when he bumbles back into the ring, Striker decimates him.

Thus, we're 30 seconds into the match, and already, Eugene is on the receiving end of the Heel Beatdown. This goes on for about 90 seconds, and then Striker makes the mistake of slamming Eugene's head into the turnbuckle while simultaneously taunting him verbally. D'oh.

So Eugene Hulks Up, complete with a Leg Drop o' Doom this week. But it doesn't work for him quite the same as it does for Hogan, and Striker kicks out at 2. So Eugene tries a Stone Cold Stunner; countered. Then Eugene tries a Rock Bottom; countered again. And Striker is nothing if not a Smart Guy, so he was actually waiting for the Rock Bottom and countered it into his new finishing move: a pretty-cool-looking knee-assisted neckbreaker. I know that description sucks, but trust me: it's pretty convincing.

Your Winner: Matt Striker, via pinfall, in about 3 minutes. Nothing fancy, but Striker's excellent in his role, and this is a great way to utilize Eugene in a "small dose" kind of way so that his shtick stays relatively fresh and marketable, too.

Video Package: The Career of Kane, starting in 1997 and bringing us all the way up to the present day, condensed into about 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Other than reminding us that Kane used to wear a mask, I'm not sure what the point was, since a LOT of Kane's backstory is cringe-inducingly-bad.


Earlier Tonight: Vince McMahon screwed HHH and Shelton Benjamin won the IC Title. And the monkeys in the truck screwed things up by using Maria's "Kiss Cam" graphics during the replay package, causing such a visible fuck-up that even as I was FF'ing through this crap, I saw it and was given something to joke about.

Backstage: Maria the Mic Stand has Carlito for an interview. First, she asks about Eugene, and Carlito assures us all that he likes Eugene fine, except for the part where Eugene cost him a match last week. If Eugene doesn't do that again, then Eugene and Carlito will be cool. So then Maria asks about Carlito's t-shirt, which she doesn't comprehend. "Spit or swallow"? What's that mean? Upon some gentle nudging, Carlito gets Maria to admit that she always swallows, which is met with the requisite hooting and hollering. Even though she was totally only talking about when she eats an apple. This is what happens when you cater to an audience that actually thinks there is anything sexy about the layouts and interviews in freaking "Maxim."

Elsewhere Backstage: Vince is sexually harassing Candice Michelle (who has taken Trish and Eugene's Region-centric wardrobe choices to an absolutely comical extreme; I'm talking there are strippers who pole-moisten under the stage name "Calamity Jane" and do a whole Wild West motif who would have blushed at Candice's outfit). Then HHH walks in and ruins everything. Candice is dismissed, and Vince says that whether Hunter likes it or not, he got what he was promised: he got his title shot. So now it's time for HHH to pay Vince back by doing a little favor. Make sure Shawn Michaels does not survive tonight's match against Spirit Squad Kenny. To help out: Vince hands HHH a sledgehammer. Through this all, HHH is mute, so we don't know exactly where his head's at. But my read is that he sure didn't seem too pleased.


Umaga vs. Some Guy

Nuh uh. If I wanted to watch WWF Superstars, circa 1988, I'd go to my mom's house and find the box where I put those tapes.

Your Winner: Umaga, presumably via pinfall, in about 3-4 minutes. But I was fast-forwarding, as were all other rational viewers.

SmackDown! Rebound: Nuh uh redux.

Backstage: the Spirit Squad (now with More Kenny) find Shane McMahon, and gives him a little ego stroking. And a cheer. For some reason, Shane doesn't find this annoying: on the contrary, he finds it flattering. Dork.


Crap: a replay of the exact same "movie premiere" package they showed already. It's like they're trying to give me stuff to be annoyed about.

Spirit Squad Kenny vs. Time Management

Kenny makes his ring entrance. Then Special Cornerman Triple H makes a ring entrance (since he's not wrestling, it's to his Alternate Theme Song). Then Special Referee Shane McMahon enters to "Theme to Rachel Ray's $40 Show Whatever It's Called And I For Some Reason Know That The Lyrics are 'Money-Money-Money' Repeated Over and Over Again."

And then, because we've apparently really screwed things up on the Time Management Front tonight, we have to break for more....


Shawn Michaels vs. Spirit Squad Kenny (Guest Ref: Shane McMahon, with Triple H Also At Ringside By Order of Vince McMahon to Offset the Fact that The Rest of the Spirit Squad is Banned From Ringside)

We come back, and before we can get things started, we still have to give Michaels a full ring entrance. So we do. And we ring that bell at the stroke of 11pm (eastern). Oh well: another week, another underwhelming main event match.

In a well-intentioned attempt to cram as much action as possible into the limited time slot, Michaels tries to jump-start the match by going right after Kenny. This quick-start is punctuated by Shane periodically looking to HHH like HHH should do something.... and HHH would get off his chair and sort of start heading in HBK's general direction, but then something would happen, and HHH's presence wouldn't be required any more.

After the high energy start for Michaels (and after HHH's low-energy attempts to short-circuit that start), Shane McMahon took it upon himself to assist Kenny: Shane took off his belt, and dropped it in the middle of the ring. Kenny grabbed it, choked Michaels with it, whipped Michaels with it, and basically used it as his main prop for the Heel Beatdown Sequence of this match. And any time Michaels went for a hope spot? Shane was there to quash it.

Until about 4 minutes in, that is, when Michaels hit the Flying Burrito, the Kip Up, and the Inverted Atomic on Kenny (note: I didn't much care for what I saw of Kenny on my OVW tapes, but little things like the way he throws himself into selling an Inverted Atomic Bump like it's instant death are winning me over; it helps me to maintain my high opinions when he has yet to be asked to do much of anything in terms of promo work on RAW, too). Then Shawn grabbed the belt and scared Shane McMahon off. Then Shawn got back to the Six Moves of Doom, and added on a Macho Man Elbow and some Band-Tuning-Uppening.

But before he could finish Kenny off, Shawn was again attacked by Shane McMahon. Striking from behind, Shane got the better of it, and actually left Shawn crumpled in a heap after a Triple Backbreaker (again, shitty description, but take my word for it that it looked good; and even if it didn't, remember: Michaels' back is SURGICALLY RECONSTRUCTED~! so you have to respect all Back Attacks).

McMahon gestures to HHH that now it's time to finish the job. So Shane hoists Michaels up, and HHH brings Sweet Lady Sledge into the ring.... he gets in Shawn's face and says "I want you to get a good look at this." Then he steps back. Charges. And Michaels ducks, leaving HHH to clock Shane in the face with the sledge.

At this point, the crowd was REALLY jonsing for the Happy Reunion of DX, but HHH didn't give it to them. Instead, he just loitered around acting like he made a mistake and he was upset by it. Vince McMahon ran out to the ring to console his dear son (and do some really cheesy over-acting), and the whole while, HHH plead "it was an accident." But Vince didn't seem to be buying it.

Your Winner: Nobody. A no decision in about 6 minutes or so. Match was pretty solid and action-packed for what time they had to work with. I'm going to have to start working under the notion that maybe Kenny doesn't suck. But mostly, this really was just an excuse to do the final angle where HHH "accidentally" laid out Shane, and where Vince came out and got pissy about it as HHH retreated from the ring.

Oh Wait: Just in case you haven't already had it bludgeoned into your skull enough yet, the end of the show is NOT Vince and HHH locking eyes. It's another lengthy trailer for Kane's shitty movie. Whee, whatta big finish~! I think I'll just hit "stop" and "delete" before I even get to that opening credit screen for "Law and Order" this week....


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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