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Paul E. Sells Out? 
July 4, 2006

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com


About a month ago, I was setting up the "ECW Recapper Rotation," and I gave myself the "honor" or recapping tonight's show.... it was supposed to be from the ECW Arena, and even after it was moved, it was still gonna be in Philly. To hell with my social schedule, ECW's homecoming NEEDS me! 
Well, Vince McMahon has made sure that I look and feel like an ass for staking my claim to the show as early as I did. By the time it was clear that tonight's show would be nothing particularly special, it was too late to shuffle the rotation... and even if RVD's drug arrest resulted in tonight's show backing into being notable, this still 

wasn't a one hour show that gives me a lot of faith in the overall vision for ECW.

It was a one-hour show where the loyal, loud-mouthed ECW fans were the biggest stars, and helped make a tepid first hour perversely amusing, and turned the show's closing angle into a news-worthy happening. Sadly, Vince is too big a pussy to run in front of these kinds of fans on a weekly basis, so we'll be back to mostly-silence next week when ECW tapes in front of a SD! audience again. And we all know that Vince is the kind of self-involved prick who takes silence as consent.

Anyway: I had designs on rocking your fucking socks off with the ECW recap this week. But I'd also had fantasies of ECW rocking *my* socks off first. This did not happen. So you get what you get, and you like it.

For the record: I said most of my piece about RVD in the RAW Recap, which should have been posted much earlier on Tuesday, but wasn't due to a sudden social commitment, and then due to Road Runner issues once I got home this evening. To make it up to you, I'm rushing this ECW Recap before I go to bed tonight, and then just giving myself the day off tomorrow. Does that sound fair to you? Good.

Here's the show:

Cold Open: Paul Heyman is backstage, and grudgingly admits that, yes, Rob Van Dam is no longer the WWE Champion, but he *is* still the ECW Champion. Whee? Heyman says that Van Dam has nothing to be ashamed of, as he took on the most insane schedule of any champion, ever. On consecutive nights last week, he faced Edge, Cena, and Kurt Angle. Then last night on RAW, he faced Edge and Cena at the same time, and lost the WWE Title as a result.  The upshot is that ECW still has a champion to be prou...... but when Heyman trails off and his gaze wanders up towards the ceiling, that can only mean one thing: The Big Show is here. Show says he only came to ECW because Heyman promised him opportunities. Well, "opportunities" equals "title shots," and so far, Show's not gotten any. So that's gonna change tonight. When Heyman tries to protest, Show assures him "I'm not asking, Paul E., I'm telling." It's a Mexican Standoff as we hit the.....

Opening Theme/Not-Pyro-Because-Pyro-Isn't-Cool-And-Lo-Fi, and we're live in Philadelphia, PA. Which Joey Styles and Tazz quickly remind us is the birthplace of America. Oh, and also of ECW. And nothing says "ECW" like TV-PG T&A, so the first thing they shoot it to tonight? Is.....

Kelly's Expose: The Red, White, and Blue-Balled Edition

Kelly the Expeditionist (tm) now has a last name: Kelley. Wow. In a business that has brought us Pat Patterson and Ken Kennedy, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but still....

Kelly is sporting a rather fetching red thong, some white stockings and accompanying ricockulous footwear (and I fucking hate stockings, but these were for a purpose, just you wait and see), and an American flag wrapped around her shoulders and upper regions. So hit the Snoop Dogg crap-ass club remix! And after Kelly crams about 30 seconds of sexy dancing into an over-long 3 minute segment, the American flag finally goes away, revealing nothing but protective pasties and a bit of additional body paint. The color? Well, the thong was red, the stockings were white, so what do you think, dummies? Blue, of course. What a patriotic young lass. I continue to be oddly fond of Kelly in the exact opposite way that I am fond of Lita (Lita's plays a slut on TV and does in a way that makes it impossible not to leap immediately to the filthiest of thoughts, while Kelly plays a slut on TV and does it so innocently and giggly that you want to be the guy who "saves" her from a life of stripping), and I am proud of neither situation. But what the hell? It's the male condition, right?

Anyway, thongs and thigh-highs are apparently OK, but body-paint is too skanky, so *this* is the point where Kelly crosses some line of bad taste, and Mike Knox comes out, re-covers her with the American flag, and spirits her off. Once he does that, what I assume is his theme music hits, and he re-appears for.....

Little Guido vs. Mike Knox

Knox is treated to a wide variety of chants, from "You Suck Dick" to "Knox Sucks Cock" (nice one, Philly) to "You Can't Wrestle" and even a brief "Shut the Fuck Up" (while Knox was tepidding his way through some forgettable Attempted Promo at the start of the match; he LOOKS like Macho Man Savage, but he's got no ZAZZ). And those were about the highlight of the match.

Joey and Tazz did get a chance to hit on the one thing I mentioned above about the illogic of Knox being insanely jealous, but also dating an exhibitionist, and in so doing, I think they REALLY bore out my prophecy of last week about this being a latter day Macho Man/Liz vibe they're going for. Kelly ain't classy by a long shot, like Liz was. But she's cute, seemingly in over her head, and a kinda 21st Century Girls-Gone-Wild variation on Liz's deer-in-headlights character.

That foundation-laying was more entertaining than the match, which was Knox displaying a Wrestling 101 level of competence (think one notch above Masters, but one notch below Orton; and about 3 notches away from somebody who really is interesting enough to be on TV). At one point, he hit (I am not making this up) six bodyslam -- regular old bodyslams -- in a row. After the fourth one, I was actually muttering in annoyance at my TV (did I mention I'd attempted some drinking earlier in the evening? Cuz I did; otherwise, trust me, I am not prone to talking to inanimate objects). After the sixth, even Tazz was like "Christ, how many bodyslams is that, anyway?" (in an annoyed, not-impressed tone of voice).

Shortly after that, Knox hit a Mafia Kick on Guido (not called as such, probably because the irony of Knox hitting a MAFIA kick on a Full Blooded Italian would have caused a sudden regeneration of la casa nostra, with Vince McMahon as their main hit). And then he hit a sloppy-looking take on the "Roll of the Dice" inverted rolling neckbreaker. Done and done, apparently.

Your Winner: Mike Knox, via pinfall, in about 3 minutes. Nothing good about it at all, as Guido (talented as he is) was just a prop here, and Knox was getting to showcase his baseline competence. Knox's success or failure, based on what I saw of him on video and so far in ECW, is gonna be the result of this story with Kelly. If he can bring enough asshole "Macho Man Savage" to the table (and if they shorten Kelly's segments so she goes from overwrought-cock-tease to sympathetic), it'll work out for him in ECW (just because of how easily manipulated the fans are). If the story side of this starts to slide, though, it's all over for him, as he'll face silence, instead of all them tasty boos and chants.

Video Package: RVD got out-fought by Cena, and then pinned by Edge, last night on RAW. Because RVD is everybody's bitch.

Backstage: RVD confronted Paul Heyman and asked if it was true that Big Show was asking for an ECW Title Match tonight. Heyman hemmed and hawed, but finally admitted that, yes, Show wants a shot. RVD -- still high as fuck on something that apparently makes you even dumber and more out-of-character than marijuana -- got all intense-like and insisted that Heyman book the match, because ECW is all about RVD finally getting a proving ground for himself and showing that the bigger guys don't always win unless they're better than the smaller guys, so dumb fucking hippie blather blather blather, if Big Show can beat me, that's cool, but I'll give it my best, so I demand the chance to job myself out to him tonight. Heyman is still resistant as RVD stares him down....


At Ringside: the announcers are just starting to welcome us back from the break when a bald guy in a Catholic Priest outfit jumps over the barricade and somehow manages to get a live mic. [Yeah, I know it's stupid, but this is just one of those things it's best not to ponder, I guess.] The short version: ECW is filth and anybody who likes it is going to hell. The long version: well, if you wanted the long version, you should have watched the fucking show, because it really was pretty long and over-done. At this point, if you didn't recognize this as the set-up for the Sandman's next Anonymous Victim, and if you weren't just sitting on your couch, rolling your eyeballs, waiting for the anvil to drop, then I pity you.

[Bonus Info: if that priest wasn't Tony DeVito, I'll eat a bug. And if it's Tony DeVito, then this means that he's become the first man to get his ass kicked by Sandman TWICE since the revival of ECW. DeVito was also the creative genius behind "Macho Libre." Well, actually, as you recall, *I* was the creative genius behind "Macho Libre" -- a full 4 nights before ECW did it -- but DeVito did the gimmick on national TV before I could, so fair play to him.]

Anyway, Sandman finally does come out -- and Philly mostly cheers for him despite his crap-ass generic music -- and canes the shit out of the priest. Oh, wait, I forgot to tell you: the priest took of his collar right at the end of his spiel and said he wasn't really a priest, he just dressed like one so people will let him deliver sermons in public. Hokay. So Sandman caned the shit out of a guy who IMPERSONATES priests. Which makes it OK, I guess.

I dunno about anybody else, but I'd rather cane the shit out of a guy who REALLY molests little boys, instead of a guy who only pretends to molest little boys! [Whoops, sorry, Pope Benedict, I didn't mean that: remember, I've been drinky-drinky tonight. Don't excommunicate me! At least, not yet. If I'm gonna go to hell -- or worse, to a Protestant denomination -- I'm gonna go out on a better joke than that.]

Anyway: the bloodied Fake Priest scurries away, and Sandman drinks some beers and bloodies himself with the empty Bud cans. I'd say "Fuck Man Laws, real men drink Bud," but they don't (because nothing good EVER came out of St. Louis, and I felt that way LONG before Randall Orton). But real men also don't drink Lite fucking beer, so screw you, too, Triple H. Real men think you're both wrong, and we drink The High Life. Some of us have even been in bands that have written songs called "The High Life." But now that I think of it, I think back and realize that this "real man" law isn't so cut-and-dry.... because real men are also easy-going-sons-of-bitches who just drink whatever is handed to them for free without making a big scene about it.

Backstage: RVD confronts the Big Show in Show's locker room. Since Heyman wouldn't make the match, RVD is here to personally accept Big Show's challenge if Big Show really wants it. And Big Show? He wanty. The staredown ends with RVD slapping Big Show across the face (in rather limp-wristed fashion, I must say).... then RVD walks away, and Big Show smirks as he rubs his wounded (?) chin.


Backstage: RVD is now warming up in a hallway, when Heyman approaches him again, and asks whether this title defense is really the wisest move in the world. And for the first time in all this out-of-character "intensity" that RVD's been displaying the past few weeks, he FINALLY starts saying some things that feel like they might be from the heart, instead of from the Writer Monkeys. Rob puts his hand on Paul's shoulder and says, "Look, this whole ECW, thing, we're in this together, right. I'm still the ECW Champion, and whatever happened last night, I still feel like I'm on top of the world. We've been in this thing together for 10 years, and now is when we need to stick together to make sure that ECW continues to live. It's you and me, Paul. And I don't know about you, but to me, it feels like I need to beat Big Show tonight to prove we and ECW are for real." Good rant, and FINALLY tying it to ECW made it work for me, even if "my RVD" would be a lot more laid back and less-macho. And coming off that riff by RVD, Heyman was also struck by its sincerity... or by something, anyway. In a subdued voice he said, "You know Rob, you're right. You've been right this whole time. The match is on tonight, and it's for the ECW Title." To me: that just looked like an Evil Genius Light flipped on in Paul E.'s brain. But to Rob? It didn't register, so he just said "Cool. Then I got this one, Paul." No, Rob, I don't think you do..... but I'm now interested to see exactly how it is that you don't.

Al Snow vs. Test

Welcome to ECW, Test. Don't make me look like a jackass for crediting you for being one of the more under-rated/under-utilized stars of the "Attitude Era," OK? You could probably start by laying off the ass-needles, and focusing on maintaining your ring- and promo-work, Back Acne Boy.

The ECW Faithful don't miss a beat on that particular new feature of Test's, either, serenading him with "You Take Steroids *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*" for roughly half the match. Which sounds like a lot, but it's not. Because the match is a minute (if that). Total squash, ending in a variation on the TKO/F-5 that actually looked pretty tight, cuz he held firm on the headlock and snapped off the "stunner" part of the move quite stiffly. Not too shabby, as long as he can hit it that tight (and that safely) on less-able-bodied opponents than the under-rated Al Snow.

Your Winner: Test, via pinfall, in 90 seconds, tops. It was what it was: a squash.  Not good in its own right, but if fans buy into Test, then great. If they don't: welcome to UmagaTown, Drew.

Video Package: The HELL~!~?~!~?~! Not only is it a video package hyping the just-arrested Sabu (which seems odd, cuz I was terrified the asshatted WWE higher-ups would use this as an excuse to shitcan Sabu in the middle of a career renaissance), but in it, Sabu Speaks! "I'm suicidal.... [pause for clips].... homicidal..... [pause for clips].... genocidal..... [pause for clips].... I'm..... [pause for clips].... SABU!" By my match, Sabu just increased his documented on-screen verbosity by 300%. Before tonight, he'd only ever said two words that I know of on TV. Now, he adds six more. Huh. I'm neither for nor against just yet, but I find it interesting. Maybe it's a "fuck you" to all the ass clowns who were falling all over themselves 2 weeks ago when Sabu was forced to utter his second word ("Deal!") in that confrontation with Cena? I dunno, but it's not like Sabu's character couldn't do with some freshening up for the 21st Century. If nothing else: the crazed Sabu of 1996 has probably watched some of his own videotapes, and has learned enough English to parrot his own catchphrases, don't you think? Tis not the end of the world, jackoffs, and tis possibly the start of Sabu turning over a new leaf. Provided he doesn't get fired for that nonsense on Sunday night, anyway.....


Outside the Arena: That Vampire Guy (Kevin "Mordecai" Fertig) was lurking, and spat a viscous red substance onto the camera when he spotted it behind him. Oy. Just somebody invite him into the arena already so I can decide if this gimmick/angle is gonna be gay or not. The suspense is killing me.

Backstage: a close-up on some Mysterious Arm Tattoos. Well, mysterious to some, but not to most of the wonks in the Philly audience (nor, sadly, to me) based on the immediate reaction.... a pan-out reveals a slightly-re-scuzzed CM Punk (nail polish, looking like he hasn't showered in a week, etc.), who declares that he's Straight Edge. Which means no drugs, drinking, or anything fun! Because he's all about DISCIPLINE, and his only "high" is the competition in the ring. You know, this'll get me hate mail from the indie-loving wankers out there, but I think you just saw the introduction of ECW's best chance at a "next gen" heel (not a WWE guy like Big Show, and not a sideshow/midcard act like Knox). 

I've never "liked" Punk; I respect that he's a slightly-above-average worker and a slightly-above-average promo, but none of his skills have ever been NEARLY remarkable enough to erase the fact that he always comes across as -- at the core -- a self-important, bitch-slappable, unconvincing-bad-ass of a drama queen. Then again, in all the Straight Edge types I've met in my years, I think they're running at roughly a 50-to-1 twat-to-dedicated/level-headed-person ratio. And Punk and his diseased-looking scumminess make it real easy to assume he's in the 50, and not in the 1. Never-doing-something doesn't make you disciplined, either, you gaping vagina! Trying something fun, and then realizing how to do it in moderation to fit into the rest of your life: now THAT takes discipline! And I make this extended rant mostly because I think ECW will go this route with Scuzzy Q. Revlon, Dirtbag Extraordinaire, ESPECIALLY given what RVD just got arrested for this weekend.... and speak of the devil.... from CM "I'm a Self-Involved Straight Edge Douche" to, we segue to....

Rob "I'm a Stupid Hippie Who Can't Keep His Bad Habits To Himself, Not Even When He's Champion Of The Universe" Van Dam vs. Big Show (Very Special "Ring Entrances Only" Match)

Show and Van Dam enter. The back-up SD! ring announcer gives them the full boxing-style intros. And then that's just about enough entertainment for us, so we throw it to some....


Rob Van Dam vs. Big Show (ECW Title Match under "Extreme Rules")

Back, and they graciously held off on starting the match. What a bunch of sweeties. Soon as we're back, though: ring that bell!

Oh, and you know how this match is under "extreme rules"? Well, let me just say that no other single thing indicates just what a fucking retard Vince McMahon is than the fact that the "extreme rules" label even exists. Unless he's completely lost all capacity for cognitive thought, he should realize that the mere fact of taking place under the "Extreme" banner makes it "extreme rules," and any attempt to make it otherwise amounts to him publicly jamming his own head up his rectum for all the world to see. Luckily for him, whatever that is on the top of his head passing as "hair" appears to be pre-lubricated, so no matter how humiliating it is for Vince to be made to look the clown in public, at least it probably doesn't hurt, physically, as badly as it could.

Match starts out with Van Dam getting a BIT of teasing from the crowd, but nothing nearly as bad (or as creative) as I might have hoped. Worst it got was a recurring "MARE-uh-JUAN-uh" chant (which later got busted out when RVD was the victim of a resthold, so fans were chanting it in an attempt to inspire RVD, like a "USA" chant might do for Hacksaw Duggan, which I thought was funny and something that other towns should consider doing to Rob). But mostly, the fans hated Big Show, and wanted RVD to win.

After an early bit of cat-and-mouse, Van Dam used his quickness to divert the battle to ringside, where they traded some nice spots. Show ate some ringpost, but then when RVD tried to use the ringside barricade, Show crotched him on it. The fight went into the crowd, briefly, and Show dominated, but when they got back, Show had fat-man issues lumbering over the barricade, and RVD had time to recover and cork-screw leg-drop him as he was struggling over the barricade. Nice. I think that's where we got both men down, so we broke for our final....


Back, and Show has magically regained command. RVD's hopespots are largely swatted away, like so many flies. The most impressive of these was RVD going up top, and once again getting crotched... and this time, Show followed up with a Superplex. Wow. A handful of easily-impressed fans over-react with a "Holy Shit," but it *was* a nice and unexpected spot.

From there, though? Ugh, did we ever bog down. Show tried all variations of a "WWE Style" heel offensive, but the crowd shat upon each and every resthold he tried (the response to his bearhug was ESPECIALLY immediate and decisive). Between the fact that the ECW fans just don't buy Big Show as an "ECW Guy" and the resthold/"WWE-Style" attempts, and there was an almost palpable sense of aggressive apathy. Sound like an oxymoron to you? It probably is, but I'm trying to describe a situation where fans are just trying REALLY hard to make it clear just how much they don't want to be watching this. It's a distant cousin of the "Jeff Jarrett in the ImpactZone" Effect, except not nearly as useful or constructive.

Match finally picks back up when Show goes for a chokeslam, but RVD hits a desperation counter, turning it into a convincingly-scary-looking DDT. RVD hit his usual array of showy, high energy moves, culminating in Rolling Thunder, but of course that's not enough to put away Big Show (in fact, Show powered out of Rolling Thunder at less than a 1-count). 

They head outside again, where Show retakes command, and tries to use the ring steps against RVD. But RVD reverses that, and Show eats steel. Then RVD tries to come off the top rope to the floor with a cross body, but Show catches him. Whoa. I know that didn't LOOK visually impressive, but I'm totally with Joey on just how PHYSICALLY impressive that was for Show to do that. Imagine somebody lobbing a 250 pound bag o' guts at you from 15 feet in the air. Could you catch it and remain standing, without even a single stumble? Nope, you couldn't. But Big Show did. So I repeat: Whoa.

Show tossed RVD into the ring after that, and took his own sweet time following. Which meant that RVD had time to recover, and as Show got up on the apron, RVD hangmanned him across the top rope. Then RVD went to go grab a chair (it's "Extreme Rules," remember? Oy)... but when RVD attacked, Show just swatted the chair away, and quickly snapped off a chokeslam on RVD.

But it only got a 2-count! So Show goes into Berzerker Mode, and Cobra-Clutch Tosses the ref out of the ring. The delay gave RVD enough time to get some of his bearings back, and as Big Show set him up for a PowerBomb, RVD grabbed the steel chair, and at the apex of the PowerBomb, whacked Show in the skull with it. [Don't think too hard, here, because RVD still got dropped on his back from that position, which isn't much different than if Show had finished the powerbomb, but in this case, CLEARLY it's not as damaging!]

RVD went on a tear at this point. Van Daminator, and the crowd chanted along and gave RVD an easy three-count. But no official ref, so RVD had to keep piling on. Finally, he hits a Five Star Frog Splash.... and this time? Paul Heyman has come out, and dives into the ring.... he counts one.... he counts two.... he.....

Stops short.

Crowd goes NUTS, chanting "You Sold Out" at Heyman, while RVD tries to ask Paul E. what the hell's going on... meantime, behind RVD, something VERY important is happening: the Giant has arisen. He hits a chokeslam onto the steel chair, and Heyman hops back into the ring to count to three.

Your Winner, and NEW ECW Champion: the Big Show, via pinfall, in about 15 minutes. Wow, how the mighty have fallen in just two nights.... as soon as the final Heyman/RVD promo, I *knew* something off-kilter would happen, and I was hoping for something a bit more grand (like the ECW locker room emptying and even RVD's best buddies -- except for Sabu -- turning on him by helping Big Show while Heyman looked on and directed traffic; the pay-off would be a promo in which they accuse RVD of "letting ECW down" and in kayfabe, the reason would be for putting himself above the company in the way he lost the WWE Title like a self-involved assclown, but the unstated "shoot" reason could be that he got arrested at a key juncture in ECW's development), but I think I underestimated just how well Heyman -- by himself -- turning heel would go over with the fans.

After the Match: The ring was pelted with garbage as Show and Heyman celebrated together. I'm estimating that roughly $975 in arena-priced beverages were lost in the dousing of Paul and Big Show, which is not unremarkable. Cuz seriously: looking at the mat, and the mess they made of the camera lens, most o' them drinks was full. Joey and Tazz are confused and indignant (they don't come right out and say that Paul E. sold out ECW, but that's clearly the most interesting slant for this story going forward... but they make it clear that Paul E. sold out his "one most impressive creation," Rob Van Dam) as we fade out. In a weird way, if WWE/ECW has the balls to go to interesting places with this (admitting that Show is more a "WWE" guy, and that Paul "sold out" to some nebulous greater power by helping Show), Van Dam's personal drama may end up being a plus for the company.... of course, WWE and "balls" are increasingly mutually-exclusive terms, so let's also not go counting our chickens just yet, folks.

More thoughts/analysis/etc. in a Friday column. See you then.


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