Powered by LiquidWeb Search all of OO for news, columnists, and articles about your favorites!
News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info

Donate to Online Onslaught!
     Daily Onslaught
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
     Title Wave
Crashing the

     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
SK Rants
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

Crash TV. Literally. 
August 22, 2006

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com


Let's make one thing perfectly clear: there were tons of problems with last night's RAW. But only if you really stop and think about them. 
If you don't, however, this ends up being one of the more stupidly amusing 2 hours that WWE's given us in a while. Or maybe I was just in an easily amused mood last night (afterall, I had all but given up on the Reds/Astros game, and was about to flip over to RAW despite an inadequate Time Shift, when all of a sudden: 4 run rally, and the Reds

win! and in so doing, they supplied me with an ideal 50 minute time shift, to boot!), I dunno.

So yes, WWE seemingly busted out 2 months worth of silly outside-the-arena stunts and crammed them into 2 hours, rendering each successive one a bit less impactful. And yes, the final "stunt" was utterly unnecessary, and the show would have had a more climactic feel if it had ended about 90 seconds sooner. And yes, there's no denying that having the Highlanders in the snoozetastic Longest Actual Wrestling Match of The Night represents an Egregious Error in Judgment.

But those are gripes that really only occur in the macro. In the micro, this was a RAW that was nearly impossible to fast forward at any point, because stuff was always happening, and for the most part, each segment had something interesting going for it. That's the kind of show I wouldn't mind seeing every week.

Just with more Actual Wrestling, is all I'd ask. And not from the Highlanders.

Then again: a dearth of in-ring action (complete with a Main Event Promo) means it's easy recappening for me. No need to drudge up any pesky play-by-play memories in most of these matches! We ride....

Video Package: Stuff happened at SummerSlam. Which you should already know about.

Cold Open: The Champ is Here.... Alone.

As we cut to a live shot inside the arena, Edge's music starts up, and the man himself makes a grand entrance. For some reason, he's wearing a douchelicious ensemble of an unbuttoned dress shirt, a sport coat, and women's jeans. Which is extra noticeable, because usually it's Lita's lack of chestal coverage that I enjoy looking at, but she's not here. And neither is the WWE Title belt, for that matter.

I'm sure Edge'll get to that soon enough, but first he wants to take a moment to personally mock all in the live and TV audiences, because they bought tickets or tuned in tonight, expecting that Edge would have lost the WWE Title to John Cena at SummerSlam. But nope: against all odds, Edge was the winner. He shoves that fact, personally, in the faces of a few ringside fans. What an ass! I mean that as a compliment. [Then again, a simple check of the OO PPV Preview will show that Edge was NOT mocking me in this segment, as I boldly predicted he would win.]

Once satisfied with the tauntery, Edge notes that if he's still the champ, then it certainly appears that he's missing something: his title belt. And for that matter, the prettiest girl in all the land isn't here, either. But wait: there's a reason for that. Edge tells the monkeys in the truck to turn on the external camera...

And there, standing on the shore of Long Island Sound just outside the arena, is Lita. And she's got Edge's title belt. Except, Edge notes, "It's not *my* title belt. It's John Cena's, and everybody knows it." So in order to usher in a new era of non-Cena-ness, Edge thinks he should dispose of the Cena Bling Belt. And what would be more appropriate than a Burial At Sea?

At Edge's command, Lita flings the belt into the Sound. And also at Edge's command, a big plume of fog shoots from the ceiling, and when it clears, Edge is holding a new title belt. Except: it looks a lot like the old one, it's just that they took off the bejeweled WWE spinner and replaced it with a shiny "Rated R Superstar" spinner. Ugh. Plus 10 for the idea, minus several million for execution: the whole point of certain wanker fans (myself included) wanting a non-Cena belt was so that the belt would once again be non-ridiculous. But if it's still got a spinner, it's still every bit as ludicrous as ever, and nothing's been done to remove the stench of Cena from it.

But Edge is pleased with it, and declares that between last night's win and this new title belt, all vestiges of John Cena have now been wiped away. Cena's out of Edge's life forever, and never the twain shall meet again. Which means it's time for somebody else in the locker room to step up and be the next chapter in the Story of Edge. A story that, as prophesied last week, has a happy ending for the titular character. So while the boys in the back figure that out, Edge declares he's gonna go collect his girlfriend, and.....

He gets interrupted. By Jeff Hardy. Who is apparently here to make The Me look like a genius. What a swell guy.

Jeff gets a nice ovation, and hops in the ring to go nose-to-nose with Edge. Luckily for all involved, Jeff does not request a mic, and Edge does all the talking. "You? Really? You think I'm gonna let YOU rain on my parade?"... and then he eventual segues into how Jeff should have just learned a lesson from his older brother: don't mess with Edge, or your career will end up in shambles.

A few moments of family bad-mouthing is all Jeff can take, and he slugs Edge. He lands one wacky kick, and tries to go up to the top rope, but Edge is long gone by the time he gets up there. As Edge backpedals, and as Jeff celebrates a morally victorious return, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler tell us we're live in Bridgeport, CT, where we'll be treated to both an IC Title match and an Orton/Flair match later tonight. So stayed tuned, folks.....


Eugene/Hacksaw Duggan/The Highlanders vs. The Spirit Squad (8-Man Tag Match)

I believe they said Mitch was the only non-participant for the Squad (though he did loiter around the ring and put his two cents' worth in a few times), if such things matter to you.

The Squad tried to jump-start the match by attacking Eugene, but Eugene made a pretty quick comeback, and did a minute or so of crowd pleasing goofiness, before tagging in Bushwhacker Luke.... er, Robbie. Who immediately became the babyface in peril for what felt like long enough to age fine Scotch Whisky. But it was probably only about 4-5 minutes or so.

Still, it was a stultifyingly dull 5 minutes, and the crowd's reaction tells you everything you need to know about how this overstayed its welcome: they were initially into it, but then started chanting "We Want Duggan," and finally resorted to "USA, USA" chants (for the Scotsman) before just going dead silent. The tepidity of the Squad's heel beatdown didn't help matters, either.

Finally a lukewarm tag to Rory (after Kenny missed a top rope legdrop), which led directly to a Pier 8 Brawl, and in the chaos, both Highlanders were able to isolate on one of the Not Kennys. They hit him with an admittedly very-cool looking inverted slingshot double suplex. Beats their old finisher, hands down.

Your Winners: Highlanders/Eugene/Duggan, via pinfall, in about 6-8 minutes. This was the only match of the night given more than 4 minutes, and suffice to say, it's not the one I would have picked to linger that long. The one undeniably boring and patience-trying stretch of the entire show.

Backstage: Edge storms into Vince McMahon's office, but instead he finds Coach and A Consumer Product That Must Have Paid WWE To Be Placed On Its Show But Since The Company Didn't Pay Me I Will Not Mention It By Name. Edge wants to know where Vince is, but Coach says he's not here yet... which means Coach is in charge if Edge has a problem. Edge says Yeah, he's got a problem. And it's name is Jeff Hardy. Coach is 3 steps ahead of Edge, and says, "So let me guess, you want to get Jeff Hardy in that very ring tonight? And you want to put your WWE Title on the line?" To which Edge sputters, "Well, yeah. Kinda. Except for that part about the title being on the line." Coach understands, and says Edge will get his wish. Edge leaves, placated, just as Vince and Shane McMahon show up. Vince is all pissy, and tells Coach to get the hell out of his office.
That leaves Vince and Shane to commiserate over their loss to DX at SummerSlam. Shane gets a Death Stare from Vince when he notes that he (Shane) was the legal man, but it was Vince who got pinned. Shane decides to just shut up at that point, and let Vince free-form ramble about how he's feeling "gnarly" tonight, and how it's not over between him and DX. Gnarly? Really?

Backstage: Tough Questions Todd Grisham has Randy Orton for an interview. Sadly: it looks like the decision has been made on Orton's new t-shirt and it's NOT the one I advocated to you all last month. Dammit. Orton basically begins 30 seconds of outright lying about how he was the real winner in the match against Hogan last night. You remember how Michaels did that killer promo after losing to Hogan last year, essentially wiping out the loss by talking his way out of it? Well, Orton did the exact opposite here, saying absolutely nothing to counteract the simple fact that he got pinned cleanly in an ultra-formulaic, sub-par Hogan Match. Deal with it, and move on, Randall. Either that, or learn how to say interesting things that might resonate with viewers. Orton gets done fibbing, and says that to prove he's a legend killer, he's gonna beat Ric Flair tonight. Oy. Then Orton spies Carlito walking past, and takes umbrage and the non-interruption. So Carlito has to saunter back over, and smarts off to Orton about his loss. Orton counters by saying "Neener neener neener, at least I was on SummerSlam. What were you doing?".... sadly, although it would have been hilarious, Carlito does NOT respond, "Let's see, right around the time you were getting pinned by a 60-year-old man, I was in the middle of a long term study into the effects of my face between Trish Stratus' thighs. So yeah, you totally got me. You definitely had the better night. Chump." Instead, Carlito stays mute, and lets Orton finish up a ramble about (I swear I am not making this up) "Don't ever interrupt me again. And next time you do, show me the proper respect." Whhhaaaaaa? Orton storms off, leaving Carlito in a haze of grammatical nightmaritude. Carlito does not dare speak, lest Orton's Dumb affect him, and instead just chomps his apple. Okeydoke.

Via Satellite, I Guess: Triple H is sitting in some kind of office, and begins directly addressing the McMahons (who are watching on a monitor in their office). He says after DX's big win last night, they were getting all ready to head to Bridgeport for RAW, when they noticed Vince McMahon's personal jet flying overhead. At this, Shawn Michaels sneaks into frame, playing with a toy plane, and acting like a spazzy 4-year-old. He fake-crashes the toy plane, and starts jumping around the desk like a monkey, as if he's on fire. This just in: even when playing with toys, HBK bumps like a madman. HHH finally settles him down, and gets back to bidness: he says that they were impressed by Vince's jet, so earlier today when they got to Bridgeport, they headed to the airport to check it out. And, ummmmm, something happened, and Hunter thinks it's best if Vince hears about it from them, rather than from somebody else, so let's look at some videotape.....

Earlier Today: Trips and Shawn are inside Vince's jet, sipping champagne and making themselves at home. Once they've taken the self-guided tour, they decide to disembark... and on the way out, Shawn accidentally touches the plane's hull, leaving fingerprints. HHH castigates him at first, but then he and Shawn declare "Well, maybe if we're lucky, Vince won't notice." At which point, the camera pans back to reveal 2 green DX logos spraypainted on the plane. HHH and Shawn prance out of frame, while we cut back live to the arena, where Vince is in utter shock. And where Jim Ross begins the process of trying mightily to convince us that Vince's cute little plane has a street value of "$30 million." Uh huh.


Trish Stratus vs. Victoria

As the match gets underway, Jim Ross notes that "this'll go a long way to determining the #1 contender to Lita's title." So why not just make it a #1 Contender's Match and be done with it, already?

Super-fast start for Trish, who is in high-energy mode from the get-go. Within 30 seconds, she hits a flying dropkick, which sends Victoria to the outside, where Trish follows up with an apron-to-the-floor Thesz Press. Back in the ring, Victoria counters the Stratusfaction Bulldog, and you might think that's the start of the Standard Heel Beatdown, but instead, it's more like an Inverse Hope Spot, as the heel only got about one or two moves in before Trish just came firing right back with more cool stuff, including a top rope Frankensteiner. Victoria eventually got one more Inverse Hope Spot in, but Trish escaped the Widow's Peak, and this time, she landed the Stratusfaction. Fin.

Your Winner: Trish Stratus, via pinfall, in about 4 minutes. You know that thing I said about the Lita/Mickie title change being a bit clunky because no matter how good or bad two individuals are at something, the first time you have to do it together, it rarely clicks? Well, Trish and Victoria have been dance partners for 4 years, now, and it shows in how well they meshed. Even with just a 4 minute TV special, there wasn't a single dull moment, and they crammed in a ton of well-executed goodness. Very entertaining, even if it pretty much amounted to a squash for Trish.

McMahonus Interruptus

Before Trish can even get her hand raised in victory, Vince McMahon's music starts, and he and Shane powerwalk to the ring. Trish (and Victoria, aided by the ref) are long gone by the time Vince steps in with a mic.

He says that DX might think they're all clever, but the Bridgeport Airport is right down the street, and Vince has already deployed cops. Which means that he'll get his revenge in just a few moments, when DX is arrested for vandalism. Right after these.....


Those Crafty Devils

As we come back from break, Vince is supposedly coordinating with somebody outside the ring for a few seconds. When he gets a "go" sign, Vince says everything is in readiness, and now we will go live to the airport, where Triple H and Shawn Michaels are about to be arrested.

Except that when HHH and HBK pop up on the TitanTron, there don't seem to be any cops around. And in fact, they're not even in Bridgeport anymore. That footage from the plane was EARLIER TODAY, dum dums! They've been back in Stamford, CT, since the start of the show. And now, they're standing on top of Titan Tower.

HHH can't help but marvel at the giant WWE flag on top of the building, comparing it to how explorers always plant their flag in the ground when they conquer new territories. Christopher Columbus. Neil Armstrong. Somehow, the goofs manage to sneak in a reference to the Germans invading Pearl Harbor, too. Ha ha. But the point is, Titan Tower is so totally Vince's territory, isn't it? 

Well, it *was*... cuz now DX has shown up and made their mark. And if you're not down with that? The camera will pan back quickly to reveal a giant DX logo spray painted on the side of the building! Wow, that's timely, as if ripped straight from WWE.com's headlines a month ago! Glad to know that they got use out of that footage, afterall, huh?

While the crowd doesn't exactly seem overwhelmed, Vince has to sell it with a look on his face like he's either going to cry or vomit. Clearly, opines JR, DX has gotten under Vince's skin.


This Week in Wrestling History: SmackDown! debuted in 1999 and changed network TV forever. Or something. At least it was good to see a little Chris Jericho on TV. But that was offset by the fact that somebody decided to let Shawn Michaels Gay Biker Shorts of Extreme Officiating Power into the clip, too.

Backstage: Vince is walking and muttering to Shane when Mick Foley walks past and says "Hi, Vince." Vince does not like being called "Vince," apparently, and says so. Which leaves Mick no choice but to keep calling him "Vince" for the rest of the segment. When Vince says he's in no mood, Mick points out that he's not exactly having a good time of it (showing off his disgusting Battle Damage from the night before), either. Vince acts unimpressed, and says that Foley's the wrong man, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Because DX isn't here, and there's only one thing that'll make Vince feel better: having somebody kiss his ass. Mick drops the chummy act, and declares that this is the most ridiculous offer anybody's ever made to him, and Vince is retarded if he thinks Mick would accept. But Vince thinks Mick WILL accept, because if he doesn't SOMEBODY's getting fired. Hmmmmmm....

Jeff Hardy vs. Edge (Non-Title Match)

Jeff enters first. Edge enters second, with Lita in tow. Good news for Jeff: Lita's wearing One Of Those Tops, which means no way in hell is she planning on getting too physically involved. But just to be on the safe side, Jeff jumpstarts things by baseball sliding into Edge before he can enter. Plancha, a little ringside brawling, and Jeff's off to a hot start here. 

The ends when Edge reverses a whip and sends Jeff flying out over the top rope. A little bit of brawling outside (Jeff eats the ring steps), and then back in the ring where Edge has an ostensible focus on Jeff's lower back. But since we're in Time Compression Mode, you don't really get a strong sense of it before Jeff starts his comeback by countering a charge, and giving Edge two boots to the face.

Fairly simple stuff from Jeff (biggest move of the rally was a DDT), then Edge gets a quick Secondary Beatdown by countering the Twist of Fate. But Jeff re-rallies with that run-up-the-ropes corkscrew senton thingie. Jeff keeps the heat on, and finally DOES hit the Twist of Fate. Then he goes up top and hits the Swanton Bomb. Upset?

Nope, because things get real sloppy at this point. I think Edge was supposed to be closer to the ropes than he was. So when Jeff made the cover, Lita tried to improvise by pulling Edge's leg out under the bottom rope, while Edge improvised by kicking out of Jeff's finisher. The ref clearly signaled a 2 count, but then the bell rang. And then John Cena ran out. What the hell just happened?

Your Winner: I'm not sure. If they'd waited 5 seconds to ring the bell, Edge would have won by DQ because Cena attacked him. But maybe the retroactive interpretation could be that Jeff won by DQ because the ref saw Lita pulling Edge towards the ropes? I dunno. It's just damned ironic that Jeff Hardy returns, gets through a 4 minute mini-match looking pretty good and without blowing a single spot, and then they go and royally botch the finish. Oh well.

After the Match: Cena kept on pounding on Edge, and Edge kept trying to escape through the audience. Cameras followed them, and eventually Cena caught up to Edge backstage, and beat on him some more before tossing him out of the building. And then he followed. But we don't. Yet. 


Moments Ago: Edge and Cena brawled.

Presently: Edge and Cena are still brawling, outside the building, right along the harbor. Cena is totally in control, and sadly, has decided to narrate the beating. Cena has never been more obnoxious or less funny. A representative example of Cena's self-commentary: he throws Edge into some of the landscaping and tells him to "become one with nature, you tree-hugging son of a bitch." Unless there's something about Edge being a filthy, filthy hippie that I just don't know about, the only explanation is that Cena is taking his new job as a shitty d-movie "action hero" seriously, and he was just practicing his awful attempting-to-be-pithy dialogue here. Officials try to break it up, but Cena makes an Angry Face at them, and they decide to keep their distance. Which gives Cena plenty of time to throw Edge into the harbor. Nice big finishing spot, but honestly: Cena's horrible narration robbed this brawl of any sense of real intensity it might have had, and turned it into nothing more than another instance of Cena being an unlikable, petulant little brat. 


Backstage: Mick Foley is pondering what he's gonna do tonight when Melina walks up. She once again thanks him for what he did last night (losing the "I Quit" match to keep her out of harm's way), and Mick says it's no problem. Melina then says she's even more worried about tonight, because Mick's her friend and mentor, and she can't even begin to think about what this job would be like without him around.... Mick thanks her for the compliment, and says he's not sure what he's gonna do yet, but he doesn't think he could live with himself if he saved his job by kissing Vince's ass. Melina says she understands, but hope Mick figures a way out of this. But for now, she has to go take care of Nitro's IC Title match, so.... she gives Mick a peck on the cheek and leaves. And in an interesting little callback of the Mick/Melina skit at SummerSlam, this time, the camera lingers on *Mick* who seems to have a knowing grin on his face. I wonder if he's thinking what I'm thinking?

Johnny Nitro vs. Kane (IC Title Match)

Melina is tardy following Nitro down to the ring, but makes it just in the nick of time to show us all her rump. Good girl. Nitro and Kane do about one minute of Lumbering Big Man vs. Quick Feisty Little Man. Then Lumbering Big Man starts to win. As soon as Kane hits a top rope clothesline, Umaga runs in to attack Kane.

Your Winner: Kane, via DQ, in less than 2 minutes. Nothing to see here. Just an excuse to set up what happened....

After the Match: Umaga, upset at Kane's intrusion into the DX/McMahons match at SummerSlam, really laid heavily into Kane. Didn't take long before he hit the Asiatic Spike. But then the beating continued, at the behest of Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrada.... leading up to a SECOND Asiatic Spike, this one from off the second rope. Kane started coughing up the Fake Blood of Extreme Internal Injuries, while JR theorized that Kane's throat had been crushed. Hey: Kane already got his old mask back from Fake Kane, and now, will he need to go buy a new Voice Box? It'll be like 1999 all over again!


No Sale: The Diva Search is over. But the video packages continue.

No Sale 2: John Cena has a new movie coming out, and if this extended trailer struck you as promising, well, we just have different standards when it comes to wasting $9.50 and 2 hours of time, then.

Randy Orton vs. Time Management

Orton gets a full ring entrance, and then, because NOBODY would EVER flip away if they know Young Randall is waiting for them, we break for....


Ric Flair vs. Randy Orton

Almost a pure squash, with the announcers really playing up the fact that Flair took a 20 minute thrashing the night before, which makes him easy pickin's for the rested and healthy Orton. Randall, for his part, is trying REALLY hard to show "intensity" in the form of making Angry Faces and appealing to the crowd to boo him. The crowd rewards him with dead silence. You know, some say Randy's got all the tools, and it's just WWE's handling of him (an ill-advised babyface run, jobbing to Hogan, etc.) that keeps him from breaking through.... but with each passing week, I just can't help but think there's a reason why he's Lex Lugering his way to mediocrity, and it's got nothing to do with how he's booked. The dude's just got nothing to him worth caring about. Just like Lex.

Orton's simple offensive includes a lot of suplexes, which do serve to create a bit of Flair Sympathy, since those always come with Extra Gravity. But for the most part, it's just stompy-punchy from Randall. In fact, on the "stompy" front, he even busts out the Garvin Stomp. So wait: Orton's not even aspiring to the mediocrity that was Lex Luger? He's fashioning himself after one of the most unworthy jokes of an NWA Champion of all time, instead? GENIUS! Orton also manages to bust open a few of Flair's stitches from the night before. The story: Flair's bloody and beaten, but Mick Foley's the one who did all the heavily lifting. HA!

Flair makes about a 30 second comeback, during which time his only offensive maneuvers are chops. Then Orton rakes Flair's eyes, and awkwardly just hits and RKO out of nowhere. Done.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall, in about 3 minutes. Bleh, a glorified squash, and if the idea was to have Orton's anger and intensity shine through so that he'd "get his heat back" after losing to Hogan, well: Mission Not Accomplished. They tried, but the crowd just was not buying it. Not even a little. They sounded as bored and unconvinced by the attempt as I was.

After the Match: Orton mounted Flair and kept on punching. Because, you see, he's ANGRY and INTENSE! For some reason, this relatively brief and one-dimensional attack was enough to cause the ref to reverse his decision....

Your NEW Winner: Ric Flair, via DQ/Reverse Decision. OK, so maybe if the story becomes that Orton's suddenly unable to beat legends, that could be something interesting. Maybe. If only I thought he had any of the gravitas and personality necessary to carry off the promo side of such a story.... but a man whose most perfect "character" so far came during his mute Concussed Idiot phase is almost assured of being incapable of pulling off such a subtle spiral into dementia and self-doubt.

After the Match, Part 2: angered by the ref's reverse decision, Orton keeps on beating on Flair. Until Carlito runs out and makes the save. Couple fists, then a jawjacker elbow, and that's more than enough for Young Randall. He chickenshits his way out of the ring as Carlito soaks in a few cheers.


Mick Foley's Not as Smart as I Thought He Was

Back for the final segment, and the McMahons are already in the ring, while Mick is accompanied by Melina. Vince thinks it's cute that Mick is the first guy to bring a date to the Kiss My Ass Club Initiation. 

But aha: Vince has got it wrong. Because Mick won't be joining that club tonight. He loves his job, he loves the fans, and he doesn't want to give that up. But he also doesn't NEED them. Mick runs down the many ways he's saved his money over the years -- from driving a used mini-van to his own rather no-frills wardrobe -- and says that he and his family will be just fine if Mick doesn't have a job with WWE. So Mick has decided he needs to be able to look himself in the mirror every morning than he needs this job. So go ahead, Vince, Mick's daring you to fire him, cuz he just does not give a damn.

But aha again: now Mick's got it wrong. Because Vince never said MICK would be fired. Vince just said SOMEBODY would get fired if Mick didn't kiss his ass. And now that we're all here in the ring, Vince has decided that if Mick doesn't kiss his ass, it'll be MELINA who gets fired. D'oh.

Mick gets a pained look on his face and says that nobody's worth kissing another man's ass for.... and I briefly assume Mick WAS thinking the same thing I was thinking earlier when he got the knowing grin on his face. But nope: because he means "nobody except Melina." 

Melina actually starts begging Mick not to do it, because she can find another job. But Mick's having none of it. He's had a career, and a damned good one. But she's just starting out and has tons of great years ahead of her. He's not gonna let that be ruined just because Vince McMahon is a greedy, deluded son of a bitch.

With that, Mick actually starts shouting at Vince to take off his damned pants. NOW! Vince doesn't have any time to dance or do his usual silly ass calisthenics. Vince goes from clothed to trouser-dropped in 7 seconds flat, Mick lays an ultra-fast peck on his right cheek, and that's that. Leave it to Mick to find the way to kiss Vince's ass in the most anti-climactic, most-face-saving-way possible! Without Vince's usual antics, that's ALMOST not humiliating at all!

But Vince still likes the feel of another man's lips on his exposed rump, so he celebrates the same as always. And Mick keeps eyeballing him. Which is a mistake, because sure enough: Melina's behind Mick. She drops down. And uppercuts Mick right in the man region. Foley crumbles, and Melina hugs the McMahons. What a bitch!

They trio end the celebration by telling Mick that, just like DX, they've got two words for him: Melina says "You're Fired." Not too shabby; pretty much exactly as I called for in yesterday's column (right down to Melina's turn), which gives Mick the excuse he needs to quit busting his ass to have Match of the Year candidates, and spend 6 or 7 uninterrupted months with his family and on other ventures.

The Not So Thrilling Conclusion

Instead of ending the show there (it was only 10:58 eastern), we've got 7 more minutes of filler. It starts with tons of replays of Foley being backstabbed by Melina. But then, once that wraps up, Vince and Shane are alone in the ring, and decide it's OK to leave. 

Except Vince is going to do the same as Cena did before, and narrate his way out of the arena. Ugh. As they slowly make their way around ringside, up the ramp, and to the backstage area, Vince has a live mic, and rambles about how much better he feels now that he's had another man's mouth proximate to his anus. He's so happy, he talks about getting another one of them ass-facials tomorrow. 

Shane is glad to see his dad in such high spirits given all that's happened, and suggests they just go out on the town (ummm, I've got relatives in Connecticut, and I've spent more than a few summer afternoons making the 30 minute drive down to the coast, including Bridgeport; it always struck me as the type of place that pretty much closes down at 10pm)... but Vince says no, they really should head to the airport to start dealing with the DX mess.

So finally they leave the arena, and the cameras follow. Vince spots his limo, tells the driver they're just heading up the road to the airport, and hops in. Then the limo pulls away. With a chain trailing it. And suddenly, about 30 yards down the road, the chain pulls taut, and the entire back axel of the limo is yanked out. "Thirty Million" for the plane? No sale. But I'm guessing that a fully torn-out axel ain't gonna be cheap to repair...

Cameras sprint to catch up to the remains of the limo. Everybody's OK, and we see Vince and Shane stumbling out of the side of the limo that had been hidden from the camera before. And sure enough: the first thing Vince sees on that side is a giant green DX tag. Vince snaps, and starts kicking at the limo and vamping to get us to 11:05, all while JR reiterates his belief that DX has probably robbed Vince McMahon of his sanity. 


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.