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Heyman, Padre? 
September 13, 2006

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com


I apologize in advance for the likely half-assedness of this recap. 
Last night, most of my attention was on a draining extra- inning Reds game (a win, though!). The only other thing I was able to keep tabs on in relatively real-time was "Rock Star: Supernova." [By the way, to the members of Television Without Pity who mentioned and complimented my hatred and nicknaming of Lord Revlon Q. Faggenstein, I'm sad  

to report that I am neither a teenager nor a redneck. But I am, as you stated, brilliant. So Thanks For The Compliment. 

I'd actually be inclined to be a proud contributor to your fine (ahem) site, except that I tried that, and about a year ago, I got banned in less than 25 posts. At the hands of one single comically-insecure Little Napoleon (oh, what the hell, why be coy: he's the Moderator who hides behind the name "Couch Baron"). Despite me saying and doing absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, 3 of the 5 "warnings" issued to me to get me banned came on posts that were well-received by the actual forums members and which added to discussions. I think he gave me two of them just because I dared to use the same rapier-like wit on his TV Boyfriend, Logan Echolls, that you've just seen me use on Lord Faggenstein, and it hurt his delicate little feelings.

I'm rambling. So I'll just say if you want my "Rock Star" thoughts and picks, well.... first: you kinda already heard them a few weeks ago and my stance hasn't changed on the grounds that Tommy Lee is still a total tard who clearly wants to drum for a band that people only like as kitsch, instead of one that is taken seriously. You know: like Motley Crue. And secondly: I'd share more, but first, you start the campaign to ban Couch Baron, and then I'll know I can come into your hallowed halls and share my brilliance without fear of being censored. BAN COUCH BARON~! Or come to think of it: don't bother. I just remembered how often I post in my OWN website's forums, and it's probably not worth robbing Li'l Napoleon of one of his life's few joys just so I can post on somebody else's 40 times per year.

Anyway, the point of my story is that by the time all was said and done, it was late last night, and I just watched ECW on a pretty heavy fast-forward and little attention to detail, and out of instinct, I hit "delete" on DVR when I was done. Despite the fact that Jeff Snider had begged off the ECW Recap duties this week, and I knew I was gonna have to do it.

D'oh. So my rambling was filling time, I guess, to make up for the startling lack of details that follows. Sorry, kids....

Opening Theme/No-Pyro-Cuz-Pyro-Ain't-Extreme/Etc., and we're not live from Madison Square Garden in New York City. They didn't do the 90-degree rotation trick like they do for most ECW tapings, and instead had everything in the same place as it was for RAW. It's just that they darkened the RAW set, and used the across-from-the-cameras entrance set that they always do for PPVs at MSG. Joey Styles and Tazz can't believe that after 13 years, ECW has made it to MSG.... and if it's such a momentous occasion, I guess we oughta kick things off by hearing from The Boss.

Paul Heyman: Pissing Off Mel Gibson is His Specialty

Heyman, flanked by his SWAT Team, hits the ring, and insists on being introduced as "The Father of ECW." Father Heyman? A Jew borrowing Roman Catholic nomenclature? I bet that'll go over well in certain circles.

Actually: most of the times Heyman abuses religious imagery, I end up digging it, and this was no exception. He's the father, he's the martyr, he's the everything, and now: his creation has made it to MSG. In a funny moment, he drops his voice and gets deadly serious.... "Forget the TV character, I just want to say the credit for bringing ECW to MSG goes to one place."

And the fans preemptively cheer, thinking they're about to get a shout-out. But they're wrong. "That credit goes to ME, Paul Heyman." Because, Paul says, he listened to you stupid people and that's why he went out of business five years ago. The people wanted RVD. He listened. The people wanted Sandman and Dreamer. He listened. And what good did it do him? He lost everything.

But now, by the grace of god and Vince McMahon, here is Heyman's new ECW. Things are different. Compromises have been made. But he's running Madison Square Garden, and that proves that this ECW is a thousandfold better than the old one. BOOOOOO~!

At some point right around here, Sabu's music hits, and he gets a nice reception as he heads to the ring. Heyman tried to talk sense to Sabu, and gets behind his SWAT Team, but Sabu still hits the ring with a steel chair, and starts swinging wildly. Heyman has to get out of dodge while the SWAT Team get positively abused (I don't care if they are wearing those helmets, some of those shots HAD to kill). Sabu points to the heavens, and Heyman says that he's sick of Sabu. And tonight, he's going to make sure that Sabu gets his ass handed to him. Big Show vs. Sabu: Extreme Rules. Sabu's got no problem with that. Neither do I.


Rob Van Dam vs. Bob Holly

Standard rules. And this is why the distinction between standard rules and ECW rules is so dumb. If you just take that away, and let every match have the POSSIBILITY of the appropriate level of extremity, then maybe I can care about this on the grounds that it'll be more interesting than their first match was. But as it stands: it's a straight-up rematch, nothing fancy about it, and if it's got Bob Holly in it? Well, kids, lets just say this was one where the fast-forward finger was called into action.

After a moderately fast start, things seemed to settle in for the heel beatdown segment. Not for me. So 12 seconds later, it looked like RVD was starting his rally. And he was. And he was snuffed out not too long there after when Mike Knox and Test both ran out and interfered on Holly's behalf. Great: we have witnessed the formation of the Voltron of Dull.

Your Winner: RVD, via disqualification, in about 5-6 minutes. And so now RVD and Holly have split DQ wins in their two Standard Rules Matches. Can't you just feel the anticipation for their thrilling ECW Rules Blow-off Match? Nope? OK, me neither.

After the Match: Sandman and Tommy Dreamer make the save for RVD, and run off the heels. Hey, wait: what was Stevie Richards doing in there? And why was he with Team Dull? Well, maybe Team Dull gets him as a mouthpiece.... that might almost make sense.


Crap: Just because it's ECW doesn't mean they don't have to shill for John Cena's upcoming cinematic masterpiece. And do it at length. God bless you, FF!

CM Punk vs. Shannon Moore

So last week, Moore got physically bitchslapped by Punk for parroting Justin Timberlake. Did you see Letterman on Monday when Justin Timberlake got verbally bitchslapped by Dave for BEING Justin Timberlake? A thing of beauty, that was. It's nice to know Dave's still got the assholitude to openly mock the utterly ludicrous to its face every now and again. Let's see Timberlake's people ever force Letterman's people to "let Justin sit on the couch" again.... if Dave doesn't care to talk to you, then you just mince around and do your little song and dance, then get lost. Otherwise, the publicists start in with the power-play, and look what happens: Dave wins, and you look ridiculous. Even moreso, I mean.

If I'm digressing, it's because this match was a pure squash. Punk had the strongest fan support he's gotten, yet, but that's no surprise considering the high Wanker Quotient among NYC fans. Punk did, admittedly, up his game just a bit, too, busting out a pair of cooler-looking new moves (including one that I would call a "modified Tarantula," which is precisely what Joey ended up calling it 2 nanoseconds later). Still the same old Anaconda Vice for the finish, though. 

Your Winner: CM Punk, via tap-out, in 2 minutes flat. Nothing to see here. Except for vitriolic ranting about the many ways Justin Timberlake needs to realize he's no longer relevant unless he's able to come up with some new way to show us Janet Jackson's bOObies.


Backstage: the FBI are congratulating Punk on his big win. The discussion is interrupted by Kelly, who also wants to congratulate Punk. She says she'd really love to go out celebrating with Punk, except she heard he's a spineless pussy who doesn't drink or have fun, so screw that noise, she'll go find a real man. Whoops.... I mean: she'd really love to go out celebrating with Punk, but "[titter titter] I'm only 19 [titter] So if you want, we could always just stay in and have a good time [titter]." Mike Knox swoops in, corrals Kelly, gives Punk a dirty look, and I assume this means Knox has found the next guy he's gonna job to. And let me get this straight: the guy who looks like a diseased scuzzbag gets to bone Maria for real, and for storyline purposes gets hit on by cute 19-year-olds? That's it: I'm giving up showering and getting a bunch of retarded tattoos and shit pierced into my face.

Balls Mahoney vs. Rene Dupree

This match is brought to you by the Brand New Randy Orton Memorial Rewritten Code of Conduct. No paycheck for you, Balls Mahoney!

This is Dupree's first match in ECW, and as far as I can remember, the first time he's been on TV since an injury took him out of the SD! tag title scene. Is it just me, or does he more and more remind you of Rick Martel (both physically, and in terms of accent/persona/etc.)?

Also of note: Kevin Thorne and Ariel are at ringside, just lurking.

Nothing fancy here. Just some punchy-kicky so the crowd can do the "Balls Balls Balls" sing-along thing. Then the same from Dupree, who peppered in the trusty French Tickler, momentarily tongue-tying Tazz, as he tried futilely to remember the words and melody to the "I'm a French Guy" song. He promised to have it right next week. Why do I consider this to be a good thing? I don't know. But I do.

Balls was in control towards towards the end when Thorne decided to interfere. Walking stick shot to Mahoney's head, and Balls is easy pickings for Dupree.

Your Winner: Rene Dupree, via ill-gotten pinfall, in about 2-3 minutes. Another mostly-squash. But this one fits into the pattern of Thorne costing Balls wins. Thorne has pinned Balls once and caused him to lose two other matches. Whee?


Backstage: Matt Striker is standing in front of his blackboard, and uses lots of big words to gloat about how he once again out-smarted Sandman last week. And he says he saw the cretinous company Sandman keeps earlier in the show, and warns that he he has friends of his own. Smart ones. Ones who are better than yours. Hmmmm..... start of Striker leading a kind of latter-day "RTC" faction, with two Hired Goons from the developmental system debuting as his Graduate Students? I could go for that. Especially because the group would need a babe, and you know who'd be perfect? Reference Librarian Molly Holly. It'd be perfect: mostly comedy skits for them, acting like they're all too civilized to root around in the mire and the muck of this filthy "extreme" nonsense. And as all such comic relief heels must be ritually humiliated from time to time, I'd be more than happy to see prim and proper Molly's come in the form of various bOObily displays at the hands of less-learned females on the ECW roster (better than in the form of head-shaving-that-never-gets-properly-avenged, at least). Admit it: the mere thought of smart, sacastic, bitchy Molly hanging around in glasses and making fun of jerks is scratching you where you itch, too.  And yes: this does represent a digression into the most purely-selfish of Fantasy Booking. But it should not take away from the fact that Matt Striker is Kevin Nashing his way to being the most amusing part of ECW on a weekly basis...

Temporal Causality Headache Theatre: Tazz and Joey Styles had a video package of what happened "last night" on RAW. Despite the fact that RAW, at this point, still hadn't happened yet. Ow, my brain. 

Big Show vs. Sabu (ECW Rules Match for the ECW Title)

Big Show, Paul Heyman, and the SWAT Team make their ring entrance for the main event. Then Sabu. Then they do the Boxing Style Ring Intros. Always a nice touch. Then it's on.

A little back-and-forthy, then Sabu bails out and decides he'd like to set up some tables outside the ring. Hokay. Then they put in some....


Back, and I don't remember exactly where we rejoined the action, nor is there any hope of play-by-play. Not only because of my lack of attention to detail last night, but also because the very nature of a Sabu ECW Match means a dearth of story-telling/psychology, and an abundance of Spotty Goodness.

I could try to tell you all the highspots I remember, but honestly: I wouldn't get them in the right order, and it's not like it really mattered. So, with all due respect Stephen Colbert.... All YOU Need to Know? Is that this was a really fun match, with nary a break in the action. Tables and chairs were involved. And I'm telling you: Big Show will be in serious running for the Top Three when we do Wrestler of the Year Voting if he keeps this up. Not only is he finding his voice/personality as a heel (as I noted last week), but he's also mastering the art of being a 7-foot-tall "prop" in crazy matches like this. He's always had the size, but he's learning to use it better than he ever has in this new extreme environment.

Finish came when Sabu managed to send Show crashing off the ring apron and through a table below.... and then Sabu got the wise idea of doing a running, double-jump springboard dive onto Show. But in an absolutely AMAZING display, Show snatched Sabu out of mid-air with one hand, turned 180 degrees with Sabu still held up high, and chokeslammed Sabu through another table. Ho. Lee. Shit.

Heyman and the SWAT Team cleaned up some of the mess, and tossed Sabu back into the ring, where Show finished him off with a Cobra Clutch Backbreaker. And then, in our incongruous climax of the night, we are reminded that Big Show is on a roll headed into Unforgiven. Huh. Way to really drive home the importance and impact of the just-completed *ECW* Title match. On the *ECW* TV show. Oy.

Your Winner: Big Show, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. You give me a vote, and I say this is the best of the three matches these guys have had so far. Loved the final spot, especially. Between this and the bookend at the start -- with Heyman doing excellent work laying out yet another piece of the puzzle for why he's doing what he's doing and why ECW is the way it is today -- I'm prepared to give this week's ECW a pretty strong endorsement. 


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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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