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Now With Oiled Up Fat Guy and Whores!
November 7, 2007

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


I’ve got nothing much to talk about today, folks. Aside from (finally) catching up on schoolwork, and getting to watch the Steelers/Ravens game after recapping RAW, nothing is on my mind or my philosophical plate.
I suppose if I want to push it, I’ll say that I’ve finally decided to buy WWE RAW vs. SmackDown! 2008 for the Xbox 360. I wasn’t excessively impressed with 2007, especially because of one single issue that was literally make-or-break for me this year. Simply put, I wanted custom music for my created wrestlers. (I don’t care who you are or what your age is, but if you wouldn’t get a charge out of

entering the arena to Iron Maiden’s “Hallowed Be Thy Name,” we can never be friends.) The fact that 2007 didn’t have was mind-boggling; I forgave it only because I figured that it was the first time THQ brought the SmackDown! game series to a next-gen system, so maybe they didn’t have the implementation right. (Still, THQ also made and correctly implemented custom music into the retarded Rumble Roses XX game, also on the 360, a whole year prior.)

Today I finally did some hardcore research and found that, indeed, the 360 version adds the ability to give custom music to created guys, as well as real WWE superstars. I’ll have Big Daddy V come out to Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “I Like Big Butts.” Or maybe that should be Khali’s theme?

Hilariously, looking over the list of “included superstars~!” brings some fond and not-so-fond memories of the guys WWE has lost over the past year. To wit, the in-game roster includes King Booker, Cryme Tyme, Marcus Cor Von, and Sandman. It also features Kelly Kelly but no Kristal (and her breasts), her (and their) release notwithstanding.

Hmm… there’s also no Viscera/Big Daddy V. Thank god. Not sure my 25-inch gaming TV could include all his fat rolls and nipple-chins. I guess I’ll have to use “I Like Big Butts” for Khali.

And now that I’ve turned “I’ve got nothing to talk about” into a precap longer than normal, it’s time to shut up and get to REAL wrestling. Well, non-virtual wrestling. Well, you know what I mean.

Rest In Piece: We open with a simple, silent screen that reads “In Memory of ‘The Fabulous Moolah’ Lillian Ellison. 1923-2007.” I was one of the few who were rather amused at her and Mae Young’s cameos in the last decade, even if some of them were rather annoying. Still, it was Young who annoyed me (between flashing people at the Royal Rumble and getting “impregnated” by Mark Henry, she really took one for the team from the writers), and by and large I always cracked a smile whenever Moolah did her thing. I’m happy that she, at least, has passed on due to natural circumstances after living a long life rather than the ridiculously idiocy we wrestling fans have been subjected to the last few years.

Segment 1: ARE YOU READY? We’re kicking things off with a bang here if we’re summoning DX to the ring immediately.

And, yep, no red herring here. Shawn and Trips are sporting their DX best, even if Shawn couldn’t resist stealing JR’s cowboy hat, and even if Trips stole a page out of Jeff Hardy’s playbook by whipping glowsticks into the crowd (though he did the not-so-Jeff thing of dropping half of them once he got to ringside. Heh.).

They each have a mic, but start off things by sitting back and letting the crowd get all the cheering and chanting out of their system. Trips does his “Are you ready?” speech… or tries to, when Hornswoggle’s music cuts him off. HFM does his crotch chops to both Trips and Shawn, who eye him with curiosity more than anything else. Trips: “Okay… that’s different.”

Trips tries to eject HFM, who doesn’t want to go, so we switch to Inside Joke Mode where Trips asks Shawn for the run sheet of RAW. Shawn finds it in his boot, where he says he always keeps it in case he forgets his lines. Trips shows the run sheet to HFM, where… really? “Segment 1 at 9 o’clock”? The run sheets follow my recaps!!!

Shawn then makes a short joke, and HFM does a hip-toss (with Shawn’s help, natch) into an armbar. Trips: “That’s the short-arm scissors!” Ha ha. Shawn gets up, receives a crotch chop from HFM, and says that for tonight, he’s in.

Trips still doesn’t want HFM around, but HFM refuses to go back under the ring due to a monster. Trips of course volunteers Shawn to check for monsters, and he gets dragged under the ring… when he comes back up, his mouth full of worms.

…And then Boogeyman’s music fires up. Really? We need him to help pop the crowd when DX is between the ropes? Boogeyman (hereafter: Ass) slides in the ropes. Trips, asks if Ass needs help. Ass: “I’m the BOOGEYMAN, and I’m coming to… ask to join DX.” He says the first part in standard Ass voice, but the second part in a Mike Tyson voice. The originals say what the hell, or as Trips puts it: “You can never have enough nerds, freaks, and weirdoes.” There’s the Online Onslaught mission statement right there.

All four ready themselves for Trips’s “Let’s get ready to suck it” line, but they’re interrupted again… this time by Professional Party Pooper Khali. Khali and Gay Translator hit the ring. As he stares down DX, Shawn suggests they treat him like the octopus in the kitchen, and hope that if they ignore him, he’ll just go away. Trips ignores that, and just tells him that if he wants to be part of DX, to get in line.

Khali… gets in line? And the crowd pops? Are you fucking serious? Khali, savor this moment buddy; it’s the closest you’ll ever come to hearing cheers. Trips readies his line, but then speaks in a hideous faux-Indian accent, which amuses the crowd, but it’s too lame to amuse me. Ah well, not all of DX’s jokes can be winners.

They’re cut off the next time by Coach’s music, who comes to the ring in his pretty suit and prettier bald head. As he enters the ring, we see Khali standing among the faces and the Ass… how weird. Coach tries to rain on the DX parade, but Trips threatens that if he doesn’t shut the fuck up, he’s going to tell Khali what Coach had said about him earlier. (I hope that wasn’t too many pronouns for you all.)

Coach stumbles, and Trips tells Gay Translator that Coach said… well, he whispers it to Gay Translator, who has plenty of eye-popping reactions. Trips then says, “Ask Shawn, you know he can’t lie.” Ha ha again, and the crowd loved it. Shawn is stone-faced, then tells Gay Translator that Trips so totally wasn’t lying. Gay Translator translates the words, and Khali gets in Coach’s face and does one of his retarded chops. And the crowd pops. And chants for Khali. What fucking planet am I on?

Khali chases Coach to the back, while HFM and Ass powder out. Shawn: “I don’t know who writes this garbage, but it’s just as bad as that whole Katie Vick thing years ago.” Trips: “Good point, but the thing is, I don’t think anyone writes this crap, they’re all on strike.” The crowd loved that second part best, and gave DX a standing ovation. Trips followed it up with, “But we’re not!,” then his line.

Overall? Damn good. Sometimes DX annoyed me greatly, but when used in a cameo role, they work as great as their legend suggests.

Pre-Segment 2: Tom Green (yes, that Tom Green) is in the audience. Does anyone even remember his relevance to society? Did he even have any?

Segment 2: Beth Phoenix cleanly pins Kelly Kelly. The match literally consisted of a clothesline followed by Phoenix’s delayed high-angle fisherman’s suplex. Until WWE provides me a different one, I hereby declare this move the Fall of the Phoenix. And no, you’re wrong: that is way more clever of a finisher name than “Candi Wrapper” or “Full Throttle.”

Segment 3: Santino Marella appears and talks some shit to Steve Austin, who is yet to appear, which Santino takes to mean that he won’t appear.. Nothing compelling.

Segment 4: Snitsky (w/ Carlito) cleanly pins Some Guy. Carlito was going to take on Some Guy, but told him that he found a replacement. Then Snitsky came in, did two moves, and killed S.G.

Post-Segment 4: Carlito comes in and tries to celebrate with Snitsky, but the Man With The Fun Name To Say And Type kicks him in the face. Tell me: what the fuck just got accomplished? Snitsky does not equal tweener.

Segment 5: Jeff Hardy & Rey Mysterio cleanly pin Mr. Kennedy & Finlay. You want to know what the difference is between eating fettuccini alfredo at home and at Olive Garden is? One word: atmosphere.

Technically speaking, this match was “above average.” All the guys are capable of more, and when Jeff and KK were against each other, they seemed just a step slower than they had been in the past. However, the crowd was mind-blowingly fucking hot for this match. Seriously, if you listen to them, it sounds like we’re watching Rock vs. Hogan all over again. And frankly, a crazy-hot crowd makes up for any deficiency in the match.

Not that the action was bad. Actually, the pace was kept up VERY nicely throughout, including the stiffest fucking slap I’ve ever heard delivered in my life, to Finlay with love from Jeff. The ending was crazy as well, with a Whisper in the Wind here and an aborted double 619 turned into an apron-to-floor seated Senton there. Seriously, this baby was PPV-worthy, and could easily have been a weekly main event on any show that doesn’t have DX reuniting.

Segment 6: Santino is still being cocky. Despite warnings from Maria, he doesn’t believe Austin will show. Again, nothing compelling.

Segment 7: Santino hits the ring, insults The Condemned, and even gives the director (who is in the audience) a shout-out for no reason. He also insults the people of Los Angeles, blah blah… Nothing funny, except for when he says that with no Steve Austin, JR won’t reach the point of orgasm. Heh.

The glass shatters, and Austin hits the ring… maybe the music is just really loud, but his pop doesn’t seem that impressive. Anyway, he loses a bunch of credibility because he comes to the ring not with a can of beer, but a copy of his friggin’ movie. Good lord, and we thought Orton was a diva.

He gets a mic and introduces himself to Santino, then goes on to correct him about his misquoting the catchphrases (about the “can of ass-whip” and “stomping a mudpie” thing). Austin asks Santino’s thoughts on the action scenes and such of the movie, blah blah fucking blah, nothing interesting.

Austin finally gets to the exposition: No big deal that he had an honest opinion, but Austin doesn’t like the fact that Santino has basically been using the Rattlesnake’s name to raise his stature in the wrestling world. But Austin has a peaceful solution: let’s drink some beers, shake hands, and be done with it. Santino doesn’t want this; he hates American beer and wants red wine instead.

Austin says that’s fine… his next step is to just give Santino that copy of the movie, and just wants Santino to give the movie another chance. Santino reads the back of the DVD, then tosses the case to the mat and grinds it into the canvas. Austin hates littering, so he Stunners Santino.

Austin isn’t done… he shoves Santino in the corner, stuffs the DVD case in Santino’s mouth sorta, then says he’ll be right back as he thinks Santino looks thirsty. Austin heads up the ramp… next time we hear the glass break, a Budweiser truck makes its WWE debut. I think your imagination can take it from here.

Well, wait… I will mention that Austin had to set down the hose to get in the ring, and he wound up dousing the first three rows on the camera-opposite side of the arena, including one of the (real) Arena Security Staff. (Who, by the way, turned around with the best “What the fuck?” look ever, and he eventually just started applauding rather than keep an eye on the crowd.)

Austin then turns his sights on Maria, who was wearing next to nothing. She puts her hair more up, and pleased that Austin not spray her. He does anyway. How surprising. She nearly loses her dress in the process… wake me when she actually does.

Promo Note: Updated save_us promo, this one with the phrases “Can you break the code?,” “The answer is the code,” and “the code is the answer.” Plenty of references to the number 19, including “Launch_19.” My money is still on November 19 being Y2J Day. Can’t wait for that RAW.

Segment 8: Vince has a pep talk with HFM in the back. Vince talks a whole lotta nothing, as usual. But we get to the meat of it… Vince says that HFM takes on Khali at Survivor Series. I guess their DX brotherhood has already worn off.

Segment 9: Trips appears on the Titantron and starts to try to make an excuse for being there, but then just says the truth: after Austin’s beer bash, he’s there to waste some time while WWE refs get the fun job of cleaning shit up. We even see a quick shot of them switching canvases and aprons around, which was kinda neat.

Shawn pops up and says that he got everything ready. Trips asks if everything is cool; Shawn professes that he doesn’t know what cool is. Trips shrugs and introduces the DX dancers~!

…Who winds up being Big Dick Johnson, using the glowsticks in ways that I’d love to erase from my memory. Trips asks what that was all about, while Shawn asks him to remember that he’s a father of two, and that the depth of his cool knowledge is Blue’s Clues and Dora the Explorer. Nice.

Trips says fuck it: if you want something done right, do it yourself. Trips shoves BDJ aside, and says that thankfully for occasions like this, he keeps “these” on-hand at all times. Shawn hides his face behind his hands and turns away. Trips then introduces the “girls next door,” two blonds who the King knows, but I don’t. I must be missing something here; they’re fully dressed and kind of pretty, but the crowd and King go nuts. The hell?

Pre-Segment 10: As Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade head to the ring for their tag match, Murdoch and Mickie James exchange greetings and glances in the back. Cade gets the team back on track, who knows for how long. Whoops, wait, I take that back, it’s a one-on-one match.

King says “Hef’s girlfriends.” Oh, those girls next door. As in, the Girls Next Door reality show. Nope… not buying it. Don’t care, won’t ever care.

Segment 10: Cody Rhodes (w/ Hardcore Holly) cleanly pins Trevor Murdoch (w/ Lance Cade). Meh. Neither enforcer did anything, and no storyline progressed outside of the Mickie James thing.

Segment 11: We pause here for a tribute video to the Fabulous Moolah. Fun fact: she got her nickname because she originally said that she wrestled only for the moolah. Does this mean she was the original Million Dollar Man? Er… maybe not.

As we come back from the video, the crowd is cheering and even chanting her name. Neat.

Is it too soon and/or too lame to make a joke that Nature succeeded where Randy Orton failed? Yes? Okay, I’ll shut up.

Pre-Segment 12: Jamie Kennedy is in the audience. Jamie Kennedy and Tom Green together in the same building… if that doesn’t drop your IQ 50 points, nothing will.

Segment 12: Super Crazy & Hacksaw Jim Duggan cleanly pin Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin. Jamie Kennedy and Tom Green have nothing on Referee McDoucher and the gayest forced chant ever conceived… With Duggan in the pre-match screaming “Ho” and SC screaming “Si” repeatedly, my eardrums attempted to kill themselves several times.

Match was lame as hell and not entertaining. Duggan did nothing but try to incite chants, which the crowd bit on for about two chants before shutting up. He never even got in the ring, and the match ended when SC reversed a scoop slam into a quick rollup. Yes, a scoop slam into a rollup. Sigh.

Segment 13: Shawn Michaels & Triple H cleanly pin Randy Orton & Umaga. This match was office gossip: dramatic with little substance. Decent and formulaic for a tag match, but it wasn’t really worth the hype. Watchable though.

Match ended when Shawn got a hot tag, ducked an Orton punch, and nailed Sweet Chin Music… though it was more of Sweet Temple Music. Either who.

I notice that the more Orton humps the ring in preparation for an RKO, the more likely it will be countered. What a douche.

Final Analysis: All right, I get it: this episode of RAW was entertainment first, and storyline and wrestling second. The opening DX segment and the Austin angle were good clean fun. The early tag match was awesome thanks to the crowd, the late one was entertaining without being overwhelmingly stupid, and the Beth Phoenix match had some relevance (i.e., further establishing her as a badass, and forcing me to develop my recessive Kelly Kelly Sympathy Gene). The rest of the show ran the gamut from the meh Cody Rhodes match to the retarded Super Crazy / Jim Duggan bullshit.

In other words? This is one grab-bag of quality. The good parts were damn good, and the bad parts were damn bad. If you’ve got this one recorded, fire it up, watch the fun parts (and definitely watch the tribute to Moolah), and FF through the retardation. You won’t miss a thing, baby.



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PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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