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In Pursuit of the Austin-Mobile
December 14, 2001

by Eitan Shapiro
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


In my final Smackdown recap over at Wrestleline, I mentioned I'd be including a letters section in my column. I'd like to start that this week, so here's the original offer, reprinted:

. Bring on your ideas for what can turn a stale product vital again. I've received some fantastic feedback up to this point, not the least of which was an idea for a Colorado Avalanche "nWo" squad featuring David Aebischer and Chris Drury. Just imagine Drury turning on Joe Sakic by taking a pass and netting a goal…past Patrick Roy! Yeah, it makes about as much sense as William Regal turning heel, but I thought it was damn funny. You'll get your letter printed if you have an interesting point of view or a solid booking idea. Of course, that's "things I deem interesting or solid" and since I'm only going to limit letters to one per recap, odds are you'll be shot down and slinking back to your opinion board in no time at all. Such is the 'Slaught. Offer not open to resident of Quebec.

On to tonight's (last night's) Smackdown! which most likely features brass knuckles and a lot of tag team matches. Jeez, couldn't you just read the spoiler and be done with it? Fine then…

We open with a dramatic retrospective of the events from Monday. Flair almost has a heart attack while screaming, "Stone Cold…WHOOO! Steve Awstin!". Tell me that wasn't the slowest cage match you've seen since the pre-Attitude era. Oh, and all that stuff about the undisputed championship being really, like, important? Out the window. Unified titles take a backseat to off-color gestures, apparently.

Smackdown! is NOT LIVE! from The Centennial Garden Arena in Bakersfield, CA. Our hosts are MICHALE COLE and JERRY LAWLER, and we've got a graphic for tonight's main event: RVD and The Rock taking on Jericho and The Undertaker. Good to see the Smackdown tradition of using Booktron 2001: Randomized Tag Team Edition is alive and well. 


Booktron's working overtime tonight! We get highlights of Monday's stinkface on Angle and Regal gets patted down once again. This time, Angle casually hands him the knucks after the pat-down, so I won't be missing the hand-off like last Thursday. Sue me! Edge charges in and lays a dropkick into Regal, Rikishi takes care of business with Angle on the outside. Rikishi and Angle roll in, and I guess they're the legal ones because Angle tags in Regal. Doubleteam on Rikishi but he lays them out with the double clothesline. Angle manages a lariat and Regal goes to work with some stomps. Quick tag back to Angle and it's more of the same. Rikishi goes off the ropes and into the double clothesline with Angle, and they crawl to the corners for the simultaneous tag. Edge all over Regal, then fighting off Angle who tries a sneak-attack Angleslam. Angle shoved into Regal - SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR - and Edge floats over for the pinfall (1:59). Whatever. THUMBS DOWN. A second stinkface on Angle is fended off by Regal, who grabs the knucks while Angle holds Rikishi, only to knock Angle out cold. Stinkface for Regal. Not enough to leave it at that, Regal recovers and knocks out Rikishi. Edge tosses in HIS two cents by pasting Regal with a chair and hitting Edgecution on the steel, busting Regal open. I honestly can't tell if that's a capsule job or a busted nose, but regardless, Regal's a geyser. Everything between these four guys has been paint-by-numbers.

In the parking lot, VINCE McMAHON and SNOOP BOOKY BOOK emerge from a limo. It's a pointless segment, with Vince thinking out loud about dogs biting Steve Austin's ass. Not to be confused with Vince thinking out loud about putting suppositories in Rocky's ass.

After the commercial break, RIC FLAIR greets McMahon and Booker and leads them into the luxury skybox. Vince assumes it's a set-up and searches the room with the dogs, but Flair assures him he's looking to kiss and make-up with his partner. Booker's wearing a "Tell me you didn't just say that…" t-shirt, and that's just sad.

Meanwhile, TEST catches up with LITA (w/Coffee). He offers her a shoulder to lean on, because after all, when it comes to relationship trauma, it's tough to beat having your bride sedated and kidnapped on your wedding day. Lita's looking for some "alone" time, but Test isn't giving up that easily, because he's a man and the Hardyz are homosexuals. Okay, he didn't say that, be he MEANT it. Kind, gentle Test turns into Date Rapist Test and he gets in Lita's face. JEFF HARDY shows up just in time…to make a challenge! TONIGHT! IN THIS VERY RING!


That's right! It's a WWF Cruiserweight title match. My brain hurts. Crash HAS to be sleeping with somebody. They lock up, into a rear chinlock by Tajiri. Holly's out, then they go into several reversals of one another's holds. Tajiri's throat snapped over the top rope, and Crash goes to work with stomps in the corner. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker gets a count of 2 for Crash, then he's back to stomping. Crash up top, but hung up into the Tree of Woe and eating a dropkick to the face. No time to sell it, so they exchange slaps to the chest. Irish whip by Crash - Tajiri off the ropes with the handspring elbow. Tajir with the irishwhip into the corner and that gets reversed - Crash charging - Tajiri up, over and into the Tarantula. FEEL THE ILLEGALITY! KICK OF DOOM misses, so Crash sets up a standing hurricanrana into a pin, but Tajiri flips out before the ref can even start counting. Into the ropes - now Tajiri hits his OWN hurricanrana and hooks the legs for 1,2 and 3 (2:33). Match had no flow whatsoever. THUMBS DOWN. Quick cut to the skybox, where McMahon is shocked, for some reason. I guess Tajiri is on "The Flair List." Post-match, Crash goes PSYCHO and stalks Torrie, but here comes THE HURRICANE to the rescue! Cole: "this guy thinks he's some kind of superhero!" Die, Cole, die. Super crossbody on Crash, followed by an Eye of the Hurricane. The crowd KINDA digs it. Torrie gives a "my hero" look. Vince gives a "which list is HE on?" look. 

Back in the Flair lounge, LANCE STORM is still looking for a job. Apparently, he's been following Flair around and calling his cell phone. Flair admits to re-hiring The Hurricane, but that's because there was a shortage of superheroes in the WWF. How about dealing with that shortage of talent? Lance claims he "carried" The Hurricane…but Flair is impervious to smartspeak! After a lot of shouting, it's decided Storm will have one last chance. Oh, and WHOOO. 

Meanwhile, back in the McMahon skybox, Vince and Booker receive the exact menu Steve Austin ran down on Monday. Booker starts up the "What?" chant between items (One beer, "WHAT?", two beer, "WHAT?"…etc.). Good to see the heel actually supporting the face's catch phrase. Turns out Austin's food was misdirected. Nefarious eating ensues. 


We get highlights of Test kicking Rock's ass on Monday. Test starts with the knee, then clobbers Jeff down to the mat. Test charges, but he's back bodydropped over the ropes and to the outside. Baseball slide though the second and third ropes to the face. Slingshot cross-body, then Jeff runs the rail, right into a clothesline. Back into the ring, where it's CLOBBERIN' TIME, then Test busts out a sustained suplex into a cover for 2. Jeff fights back but eats a knee, then fights back again with a jawbreaker. Flying forearm gets followed up with a double legdrop to the groin, and I betcha didn't see that corkscrew moonsault coming. Litacanrana, and you've got to wonder if the ref has any issues with Lita just walking around the ring like that. Jeff sets up for the Swanton, but Test kicks Hebner into the ropes, crotching Jeff. Ingenious, but not really conducive to winning (3:05). THUMBS DOWN. Jeff's prize for winning is a KICK WHAM BOOT that sends him spilling to the floor off the top. Hebner gets KO'ed, but THE ROCK saves the day with a Rock Bottom. Someone's been tampering with the ring's Suck meter today.

Meanwhile, Vince averts disaster by putting out a small fire in the skybox with some beer. Then he eats some fries. That's it.

The X Box Slam of the Week isn't really a "slam" per se, more like several points in the Hardyz/Lita match-up on Monday.

Backstage, MATT HARDY plays some cards with THE APA while Faarooq pesters him about thongs and mid-Hurricanrana oral sex. It's actually a pretty funny bit. 

Firemen show up to investigate the skybox fire, and Vince throws a hissy fit. Turns out one of the firemen is STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, however, so beatings ensue. Booker's chased out of the arena but escapes in the limo, so Austin follows in the Austinmobile. THE CHASE IS ON! Even odds on this ending in vehicle mutilation, and even odds on the involvement of a forklift. The crowd chants "WHAT?" like their lives depend on it.

Moments Ago: You wouldn't believe this, but Stone Cold got all dressed up like a fireman….


We get highlights of Lance jobbing on RAW. Storm attacks post-fireworks, but gets punched and stomped. Irish whip into a BIG back bodydrop, then Kane feeds Storm the big boot. McMahon looks on, icing his injured jaw. Storm gets out of a suplex and clips Kane's leg, then hits a low sidekick. Spinning heel kick off the top, but that's only good for a count of 2. Storm literally begs the ref for the finish, then ducks a clothesline and nails the superkick. Kane decides that ain't worth selling, so Storm gets scooped and whirled, but falls into a chokeslam. Pin at 1:41. THUMBS DOWN. I'd say this has to be leading somewhere, but I said the same thing about Tazz. Are we forgetting Storm was an IC champ just a few months ago? So not only does this angle blow for the smarks among us, but it makes no sense to the casual fan, either. Then again, it's not like being IC champion means squat these days. I'm just babbling now. 

That's right, not one match above a THUMBS DOWN to this point. That's a first for me.

Back in the APA office, the sexual innuendo reaches a fever pitch and Matt's PISSED. One flipped table later, and it's ON. Damn, sayeth Faarooq.

New Triple H video. The God of Thunder is neigh. FEEL THE DESIRE!


At this point, I'll take a 20 minute promo with just about any McMahon in the center of the ring. Lawler calls Scotty and Albert "The Zoo Crew", which is lame beyond words. D-Von and Albert to start, Albert hits a clothesline, then some jive turkey rights. Tag to Scotty, and Albert uses him as a feet-first battering ram. D-Von fights back with a knee and sends Scotty into the heel corner, but that backfires as Scotty takes out everyone on the apron. D-Von charges into an elbow but Christian and Bubba trip up Scotty - into a steel-post double crotching. Tag to Christian - atomic drop and a clothesline off the ropes - cover for 2. Christian stomping away, but Scotty fights back, only to fall into a Russian legsweep. 1-2-NO, then Bubba's in with the double axehandles. Back to Christian, who runs into an elbow, then a superkick. Christian SELLS IT. Tag to Tazz, and he's ON FIRE with some clotheslines, a T-Bone, and a cover. Bubba breaks it up at 2, then a brawl erupts leaving Scotty in the ring with Christian, who gets set up for the obligatory W-O-R-M. It's not to be, as Stacy gets up on the apron, and Albert actually does a disservice to his team by removing Stacy's skirt. 3D for the distracted Scotty, and Albert runs in to eat his double clothesline out of the ring. He's got enough left to suck D-Von out of the ring, leaving Bubba to get Tazzplexed. Christian in to attempt the Unprettier, but Tazz turns it right into a Tazmission in the center of the ring. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE TAZZMISSION! (4:42). THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE for sheer entertainment value. Let's hope this leads to Tazz/Christian, which could be fairly decent. 

Back in the skybox, McMahon receives a call from Booker, who has managed to evade Austin and pick up a cappucino at a local grocery store. It should be noted that Booker is a step away from reaching Ahmed Johnson-like levels of incomprehensibility. 


Matt pounds away to start, but runs into a shoulderblock. Bodyslam by Bradshaw - elbowdrop - cover for 2. Into a corner for some rights, then into another corner for the trailing clothesline. Bradshaw setting Matt up on the top rope - knocked off - moonsault bodyblock by Matt, right into a cover for 2. Swining neckbreaker gets 2. Matt with some chops and a boot out of the corner. Off the top and into the fallaway slam - 1, 2, NO. BIG right from Bradshaw, then a suplex. Bradshaw setting him up on top again, and you'd think he'd want to keep him AWAY from that particular portion of the ring. Swinging DDT from the top - Russian legsweep - screamin' legdrop from the top. Bradshaw's out at 2, then works the attempted Twist of Fate into an attempted Clotheseline from Hell, but Matt ducks and tries the Twist again. Bradshaw shoving him off into the ropes - CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL. The pin follows at 3:42. THUMBS DOWN. 

Back in the box, again, Flair strolls in on his cell phone, and Vince demands to know who he's talking to. It's Austin, and he's got some words for McMahon: "I had some shopping to do anyway." He runs down his grocery ("WHAT?") list, which includes JR's barbecue sauce. He's off to open up a six pack of whoopass on Booker. Vince to Flair: "What have you got to say about that?" Flair: "WHOOO!"

During the Break: Vince can't get through to Booker on the cell phone. This is high drama, folks.

Supermarket Sweep: BOOKER T. versus STEVE AUSTIN

Booker starts with the blatant mid-aisle cereal noshing. He tracks down a large bald man with a goatee in the bread section, and lays into him. Of course, it's not Austin. Robbery and assault, all within the first 10 seconds. Austin from behind, and they brawl into Fruits and Vegetables. Booker tossed into the grapefruits, then thrown head-first into Condiments. Looks like some honey mustard to the face, then Booker breaks the Flowers table. Next up, some WALNUTS OF WOE, followed by FLOUR OF THE FORESAKEN. I dunno, this whole thing seems kinda one-sided to me. Booker into a cart, rammed into another cart, then smashed over the head with a frozen pizza. LEGIT WRESTLING MOVE follows, with a knee to the head. Back into another cart, then Austin pauses for a beer: "shopping gets ya tired." Booker begs for mercy, but instead receives a beercan to the head. Austin rolls him into the storage room, and now it's time for some egg pelting. LEGIT WRESTLING MOVE follows, with a knee to the mid-section. Austin gets excited about some crackers, grabs them but returns to a big superkick. Now it's Booker's turn! I'm estimating about $75 worth of items on Austin's part of the sweep, because Honey Mustard is expensive. Austin into some toilet paper, and if that's 2-ply you can bet The Book is looking for the quick comeback. Austin's shoved into the freezer, but he walks out through the other end, chugging some milk a la Angle. Booker's back on a cart yet again, and now Austin whips out some diapers for the "little baby". Coffee beans follow, then check-out as the cops arrive and Austin scrams. That was all sorts of stupid, and about .00000000001 as funny as Austin attacking McMahon in the hospital. 

We get yet another look at Mean Mark chokeslamming RVD through two tables at Vengeance. 


I dunno. If I'm Jericho, I'd be worried there are still two different championship belts in existence. Rock and Undie start with the standard punch-trading. Clothesline by Rocky, then a swinging neckbreaker. Rock tells Jericho to bring it, but he can't, because he's not the legal man. Ya see? Undie with the clothesline from behind, then a tag to Jericho. Undie opens him up and Rock takes the lefts and rights. Clothesline, then some chops. Irish whip - Rock catches him - face-first shove to the mat. Another irish whip gets reversed, and The Rock runs right into the Undertaker's fist, then gets snapped throat-first over the top rope. Spinning kick from Jericho gets 2. Suplex, then a C'MON BABY pose/lateral press for 2. Tag to Undie, and he hits another suplex. Cover with a forearm to Rock's face for 2. Regal had to have taught him that. More VICIOUS forearm rakes to the face, then it's more stomping in the corner. Rock fights back, but takes a knee and a running clothesline. More fighting back, but a flying clothesline puts Rocky down again. Rock into a carry, but he struggles, slips out and nails the DDT. Both men down, then crawling to their opposite corners, but Rock makes the tag first. RVD's in with the heel kick off the top, senton splash off the ropes, and a spinning heel kick for the charging Jericho. RVD IS PSYCHO! Another heel kick for the 'Taker, then a somersault bodyblock off the top! 1-2-NO! Jericho breaks it up, then gets kicked out AGAIN. RVD turns around to meet THE BIG BOOT from Undie, then he's tossed out to Jericho, who pounces and smashes RVD with a piece of the announce table. Back in, Undie gets a cover of 2, then gets RVD into the corner. Tag to Jericho and they both work him over. Jericho with some chops, then the trade forearms. RVD with an irish whip - Jericho with the flying forearm. 1-2-NO! Jericho strikes a pose for The Rock. Back to work on RVD, and a tag to 'Taker. Punches in the corner, then Undie rakes the face. Undie distracting the ref - Jericho chokes RVD on the bottom rope. Armbreaker from Undie - into the Senile School ropewalk - RVD pulls him off. DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE. Both men out, and this match is awesome. Pair o' tags to Rock and Jericho, so Rock unloads with the clothesline off the ropes and the belly-to-belly. SPIT PUNCH for Undie, then a SPINEBUSTER for Jericho. Triple-pump PEOPLE'S ELBOW! 1-2-Undie pulls the ref out! Big clothesline on The Rock, but he rolls to the corner and tags in RVD. FIVESTAR FROGSPLASH misses! WALLS OF JERICHO! Rock's in to break it up, so 'Taker runs in, only to get clotheslined out. Jericho's dumb enough to bring a chair into a ring that also contains RVD, so he takes the Van Daminator while the ref's busy with Rock and Undie. He eventually turns to RVD and Jericho, and counts the fall at 10:25. That's how you return to WWF TV. THUMBS WAY UP. Not like that saves this train wreck of a Smackdown, though. 

THUMBS WAY DOWN for the McMahon/Booker/Austin/Flair stupidity, making this a decisive THUMBS DOWN show. NOT what I was expecting after a fairly solid RAW. There HAS to be a happy medium between this Heel and Face/Night and Day formula and the complete Russoriffic stupidity of The Invasion angle. Oh, and tossing in matches that run between one and three minutes isn't going to help in telling solid stories. Here's hoping RAW features the reinstatement of Lance Storm and about 10 minutes more of actual wrestling. 


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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