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A Murder of Midcarders
April 26, 2002

by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


DAG, YO. The Immolator here. Back in town to recap that sorry state of sports entertainment you earthlings like to call “pro-wrestling.” HAH! Fools…

Taped! from the town that made The Nasty Boys famous, Peoria, Illinois, and the Peoria Civic Center, it’s SmackDown!  And it seems to me there’s a lot more Hogan and a lot less of everyone else in the intro. Alas. Your erstwhile hosts are TAZZ and MICHAEL COLE, the latter wasting no time in telling us in a register rivalling Mariah Carey that Backlash was one of the most historic nights in WWF history. Yeah, ranks right up there for me with Uncle Elmer’s wedding.

The WAH PEDAL OF DOOM heralds the arrival of Ol’ Red ‘n Yeller himself, HULK HOGAN (Slight Return). But really, his theme song might as well be “1983 (A Merman I Should Turn To Be)”. The crowd appears to be popping big time. In fact, it takes him a minute to get in the ring, then another two-and-a-half minutes to soak in the applause before he starts talking.

T:  “What is it with this Hulkamania, Cole, is it a feeling, is it a trend, or is it just a lifestyle?”

I sense a little sarcasm there. But he did also throw out the term “respect” during this overly long intro. Is… is he talking now? Yay. Let’s listen.

HH:  “I cannot begin to describe what it feels like to stand out here in front of all you Hulkamaniacs! (YAY!)  As the undisputed World Wrestling Federation champion. (YAY!) But like I said, last Monday night, if it wasn't for the Undertaker's involvement in Backlash, maybe I wouldn’t be the champion right now. (BOO!) But in my heart, maniacs, I know I would be, brothers! (YAY!) But there's only one way to know for sure. And that's right here tonight, with all my Hulkamaniacs behind me… (YAY!) give Triple H that rematch that I promised him. (YAY!) Right here in Peoria, Illinois, brother! (YAY!) All you maniacs out there know I have been in this business for a long damned time. (YAY!) I’ve been in the ring with the very best and I've been in the ring with the very nastiest. But as far as Triple H goes, he's taken this game to a whole new level. He's the very best that I've ever, ever stepped into this ring with…”

Time to play The Game’s music. And TRIPLE H gets his full intro, as well. Cole says he was arrested for his attack on RAW Monday, intoning that it’s because he’s not on that roster. Hmmm…  anyway, the crowd pops for the spit take, and eventually, Haitch speaks.

HHH:  “You have a question in your mind as to whether or not you would still be World Wrestling Federation champion if it wasn't for the Undertaker at Backlash? There is no question in my mind. But be that as it may, Hogan, you earned my respect at Backlash. That's why, when it was all said and done, I stuck my hand out and shook your hand like a man. (YAY.) And just the mere fact that tonight, you would be willing to defend that championship against the best in this business… (YAY.) You earned my respect, again. (MUTED RESPONSE!) But understand this… (HOGAN! HOGAN!) That's right. That's right. They love you. (YAY!) But understand this. I love that. [points at belt] That championship right there, that is what I respect. That is what I love. It is my religion. It is my law. And the question is, at Backlash when it was all over, I stuck my hand out and shook your hand like a man. The question is, tonight, Hogan, when it is over, when I have taken back my World Wrestling Federation championship (BOO!) when I have taken back what is mine, will you, Hulk Hogan, will you be man enough to shake my hand?”

A mixed response from the crowd as the two start jaw-jacking in the middle of the ring… oh, cripes, not another entrance. The dulcet harp of VINCENT K. MCMAHON tells us there is no chance in Hell we’ll see any wrestling this segment. At least he will speak his peace from the top of the ramp. After the crowd delivers its alimentary chant, that is.

HHH: “I'm begging you to come down the ramp.”

VKM:  “You know, the last I checked, last time you… neither one of you two are co-owners of the World Wrestling Federation. Last I checked, me, Vince McMahon, I'm in charge of SmackDown! and I make the matches around here. So everybody knows… shut up! (A-HOLE! A-HOLE!) Everybody knows that I make the matches and make the best matches for WWF fans. (BOO!) I listen to them. So tonight I ask all of you, is that the match you want to see? Do you want to see… (YAY!) Do you want to see Triple H versus Hogan for the title? (YAY!) Do you really want to see it?”

MC:  “I do!”

T:  “Me, too!”

VKM:  “Well then, by God, tonight… tonight… well, I can't do it. (BOO!) No, no, I can't give you that match, but I'll tell you why I can’t. Because all of you know here in this arena, they know all over America, they know all over the world, we have got to start cleaning things up around here.”

T:  “Absolutely.”

VKM:  “Yes, we do. We gotta clean things up, we have to get rid of the criminal element. And that's why Triple H will not get his rematch tonight. (BOO!) Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa!  Triple H, you know damned well, you were arrested last Monday night on RAW, pal. You were arrested for viciously assaulting the Undertaker. You don't deserve a rematch! And I'll tell you, Triple H, I’ll tell you another reason why you don't deserve a rematch. Because you didn't give Chris Jericho a one-on-one rematch after WrestleMania. That's another reason. But Hogan, hey! You're so anxious to defend the WWF championship, brother? Then you'll do it. But you'll defend the WWF title, not tonight… it will be one week from tonight, Hogan. And I'll tell who you're going to face. Mr. Red-and-Yellow. You will face the winner of tonight's matchup pitting Triple H against his opponent, wrestling's living legend, Chris Jericho.

T:  “That's good stuff!”

VKM:  “So I ask the two of you in the ring tonight… I ask you, what’cha gonna do, brothers? What’cha gonna do when Mr. McMahon’s authority runs wild… on… you?”

McMahon does some ridiculous most muscular poses, then pulls a water bottle out of his jacket pocket, takes a swig, and does a hilarious version of HHH’s spit take. Heck, that was worth the past 15 minutes and 14 seconds of interview time. At least, for those of us with the benefit of fast forwarding. End of segment.

Well, the Canucks got their asses beat tonight. But at least they made the playoffs. Our friends in Edmonton will have to console themselves with RAW on Monday, May 27th at the Skyreach Centre. And our friends in Calgary, who will likely soon wave Jarome Iginla bye-bye, can always forget their troubles with SmackDown! at the Pengrowth Saddledome. Or they can just go down to the Silver Dollar again. Your bowling dollar stretches farther when there’s no provincial sales tax, that’s for sure.

Your Overdrive of the Night is presented by Greyhound. Tajiri hits the red mist on Kidman at Backlash. AGH! IT BURNS!

Meanwhile, Chuck is giving Billy a relaxing massage in the dressing room. However, Rico disapproves.

R:  “Oh, no, no, no, Chuck. Not like that, no. You’re never gonna give Billy his proper glow unless you it like this. No, step aside, step aside. Watch me, watch me. Like this, like this! Like that.”

Say things twice, Herc! Say things twice! Rico rubs down and away on the shoulders instead of kneading the traps like Chuck was. I thought he was a stylist? What does he know about the art of effleurage? No matter. Tajiri and Torrie are here to brighten my day. Torrie is wearing a purple kimono with white obi. And matching purple chopsticks in her hair.

B,C ‘n R [enthusiastically]:  “Hey, Tajiri!”

TW:  “Hi, guys!”

B,C ‘n R [unenthusiastically]:  “Hi, Torrie.”

B [speaking in bad Japanese accent and bowing]:  “Uh, congraturations, uh, Tajiri-san, for winning, uh, cluiserweight title from Birry Kidman at Back-u-rash.”

They all enjoy a chuckle, except for Tajiri, who glares as Tajiri is wont to do.

B:  “I mean, come on, the kid's talented but I mean, someone with that fashion sense? Woo, there's no way he should be champion.”

C:  “Yeah, and tonight, against Kidman, Maven and Snow, now that you've got the title, we can all out there with our own gold ensemble.”

R:  “Absolutely fabulous idea, Chuck! Very chic! [to Torrie] But unfortunately for you, honey, that whole geisha girl look, it's not working for you. I mean the outfit is fine. Maybe it's just the person wearing it.”

Rico walks behind Torrie and tries to lift up her kimono a bit. Torrie goes to slap Rico, but Tajiri blocks her, saying something that could translate as the following, but doesn’t necessarily, because Immo is just being silly, okay?

YT:  “<No! Do not strike! I don’t care how ridiculous his mutton chops look!>”

R:  “Whoa! Don't get hot. Hey, all I meant is that she had a little too much fabric down there. I mean, you need something… right there. [points at her head]. I mean your forehead is much too high. Maybe you need try… this. Oh, yeah.”

Rico presents a red headband to Torrie that says “Tajiri” on it in Kanji characters. Shouldn’t it say “Yoshihiro”? Come on, consistency, people!

YT:  “<Hey, that’s my name, I’ll wear the damn thing. Stupid hakujin…>”

B:   “That's it, man!”

R:  “Fabulous!”

YT [pointing to himself]: “<I beat Shijiro Otani! Now look at me! I’m a charlatan!”>

Tajiri smiles and everyone has a good, hearty laugh.

YT [to Torrie]:  “For ruck!” [points at cheek]

Torrie gives him a wee buss on the cheek.

YT [to the guys]: “<Is she a strumpet, or what? Check out those bristols!>”

B:  “All right, big man!”

C:  “That's good!”

The guys leave. Torrie looks like she’s about to puke. Tajiri comes back to grab her by the wrist and lead her out, muttering about Odaiba or something. Maybe Torrie reminds him of the fake beach they built there.

Hey, it’s a match! No, not Torrie, I’m talking about six-man tag action featuring AL SNOW and MAVEN. They come out to the TE theme. BILLY KIDMAN gets his own entrance. Tazz gets Maven’s eyebrows confused with Rico’s chops, which is understandable.

TAJIRI (w/TORRIE WILSON) gets to come out first for his team. He has his belt wrapped it around his neck. The commentators refer to Torrie’s kimono as a geisha outfit, even though she isn’t wearing the requisite makeup.

# Youuuuuloooooksoooooo… goodtomeeeee. # BILLY & CHUCK (w/RICO) round out our sixsome. Sign in the crowd: “RICO DID MY HAIR.” Tazz compares Rico’s chops to a Chia pet.

So, finally, some wrestling. Kidman gets an early start on Billy Not Kidman with a deep arm drag and a dropkick, but Billy catches a big splash attempt in the corner and turns it into a nice overhead belly-to-belly. Head scissors takedown by Kidman. Maven tags in. Clotheslines and a leg lariat. Awkward hip toss on Chuck. Chuck reverses an Irish Whip and Maven runs right in to a clothesline from Chuck. Heel tag team offence. Fameasser by Billy! But Al Snow breaks up the count. Tajiri tags in and prepares for the big kick to the head of Maven… but, forsooth! Rico is still checking out what’s under Torrie’s kimono. So she hauls off and slaps him silly, causing Tajiri to slide out of the ring and go all Ralph Kramden on her. Meanwhile, in the ring, Kidman tags in. Billy Not Kidman slides in and gets a Frankensteiner. And a dropkick. And a spinning DDT. But Chuck plants Kidman with a savate kick. Snow comes in and back body drops Chuck. It’s a clusterfrick! Tajri comes in and nails Kidman with an inside roundhouse kick, but Maven lands (sort of) his world famous dropkick and knocks Tajiri out of the ring again. Snow and Maven whip Billy and Chuck into one another. MALFUNCTION AT THE JUNCTION! Ewww… Snow and Maven just pantsed Billy and Chuck. They’re wearing these tiny red-orange thong underwear… ugh. The ladies in the crowd cheer. Billy and Chuck high-tail it out of Peoria. Chuck’s anal floss is black, actually. At least, that better be his underwear. Ewww. Now Maven and Al are stalking Rico at the foot of the rampway… but Torrie intervenes and pants Rico. Personally, I didn’t need to see that. Rico gets a slap across each cheek as he hops up the rampway. Tajiri and Kidman are back in the ring… Tajiri tries to powerbomb Kidman. YOU CAN’T… oh, never mind. Going for the Seven Year Itch… yow, nails it. 1-2-3. (3:17) Torrie expresses shock while Al and Maven put on Billy and Chuck’s shorts and prance around the ring. Yeesh.

Speaking of men’s buttocks, here’s Kurt Angle. And he’s BY SHANK’S PONY! Huh? Don’t ask me, it was in the thesaurus. Anyway, Smilin’ Kurt strolls up to a security guard.

SG:  “Yes, can I help you?”

KA:  “Ha, ha, ha… heh heh… huh. Um, no, but I think I can help you. You seem to be a rather large individual. Actually, you're out of shape. You must be a local.” [ASPHINCTERSAYSWHAT?!]”

SG:  “Yes, I am.”

KA:  “Well, tonight is your lucky night. [WHAT?!] Because tonight, I'm about to unveil the brand-new Kurt Angle t-shirt. [WHAT?!] And on the back it’s going to list all of my accomplishments. Everything I've achieved will be on the back of this shirt. And on the front, it's going to say “Olympic hero/It's true, it's true/I've got gold/How about you?” [WHAT?!] Pretty clever, huh? [WHAT?!] That's why I'm making the big bucks. [WHAT?!]  Now, here's the catch. Because of all my accomplishments, we couldn't fit them on a small, medium or large t-shirt. So the smallest that this t-shirt comes in is XXL. [WHAT?!] You could actually go for triple "X" yourself. [WHAT?!] But I’ll tell you what, I'm in a great mood tonight. And after I unveil my t-shirt, I'm going to come back here and I’m gonna get you a brand new Kurt Angle t-shirt. [WHAT?!]  At half price. [WHAT?!] How about that? What do you think about that, big boy? Huh? See you soon.”

The guard shakes his head derisively as Angle walks away. Must be a Rivermen fan. They sure choked against Johnstown, didn’t they? Oh, well, at least you can cheer for the Blackhawks…  wait, they just got eliminated, too. Gosh darn dog! End of segment.

Hey, SmackDown! in Montreal on the 14th. Man, did you see that elbow McLaren gave Zednik? Nasty, nasty stuff. No excuse for that. Watch the Habs go all 1971 on the Bruins now. And how about those Expos? They keep winning, even though they’re getting outdrawn by the Springfield Arts Festival.

On the flipside, we are greeted by an outdoor shot of the Civic Center. Or is it Big Al’s Speakeasy? Because inside, we look up… waaaaaaaay up, at STACY KEIBLER’S LEGS as she gives Vinnie Mac a temple rub inside his orifice. OFFICE! Let’s be voyeurs…

VKM:  “Oooh, harder. Deeper. [Knock on door] Faster.... Yeah, come in. Hmmm… yeah.”

In walks… SOME DUDE! Looks like Dean Cain. Or a young Bobby Orr.

SD:  “Excuse me, uh…

VKM:  “Who the hell are you, interrupting me? [Pause] Ah, that's right. You're… RANDY ORTON!”

RO:  “Yes, sir.”

VKM [to Stacy]:  “He's getting a tryout match tonight. His old man was a hell of a wrestler, Cowboy Bob Orton… [adopts cowboy accent] Had that cowboy hat, and kinda talked… [back to normal] He had a cast on, I believe it was his left arm, for years. That was a nagging injury.”

RO:  “That’s right.”

VKM:  “And his grandfather was a hell of a wrestler. And, uh, tonight, you've got your opportunity. Good luck, kid. I've got something I’ve gotta do, I'll be right back, okay? Excuse me a moment… introduce yourselves, willya?”

Vinnie Mac exits while Stacy sashays up to… ahem… Randy.

RO:  “Hi, I’m Randy Orton.” [shakes hands]

SK:  “You most certainly are Randy Orton. Look at the size of those hands! Let me see the other one. My! Those are some big hands! You know what they say about guys with big hands! You know, since you're having your tryout tonight, why don't I, umm… critique your body? Why don't you take that sweatshirt off?”

RO:   “Take my sweatshirt off?”

SK:  “Yeah.”

RO:  “If you say so.”

He doffs his shirt, much to the delight of the female audience. Or simply those with high voices. Ugly tattoo around that left bicep, though.

SK:  “Mm-m-m, yummy! I'm sure you know a lot about holds and everything, y’know. But, um, do you know this one? You take your hand and you put right here on my hip…”

Just as Randy is about to put his Ace Mechanic Henchman Cowboy moves on Stacy, Vinnie Mac comes back in, and Stacy is suddenly a changed woman.

VKM:  “Hey!”

SK:  “Oh! Vince, thank God you're here. As soon as you left, he just started stripping…

RO:  “Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa!”

SK:  “… and taking those big, beefy hands and putting them all over me!”

RO:  “Mr. McMahon, I did not do such a thing…”

VKM:  “Who the HELL…”

SK:  “Yes you did!”

VKM:  “This is gratitude? I give you a tryout… this is gratitude? Huh? You know what? You're just like your old man. I’ll tell you what you do… your tryout match tonight? It's going to be against…  Hardcore Holly! Now, get the hell out of here! Get the hell out! [to Stacy] You all right?  You okay, honey? You're sure you're all right?

SK:  “Yeah...”

Stacy sits down on the couch, acting weak from her experience, while Vinnie Mac lasciviously rubs her knee. This MUST be Big Al’s.

Meanwhile, back in the locker room… a gaggle of grapplers. A parliament of pugilists. A murder of midcarders. I see CHRISTIAN, TEST, LANCE STORM, THE BIG VALBOWSKI, GODFATHER, SHO FUNAKI, CHAVO GUERRERO JR., HUGH MORRUS, THE HURRICANE… and I see you, too!

C:  “I'm going to cook up guaranteed money for you guys. It’s a bet! It’s a bet… hold on a second… they're here. I'll explain it to you in a sec.”

FAAROOQ and his former Nation disciple MARK HENRY arrive on the scene. Mae Young is still nowhere to be found.

MH:  “Here I am, what’s up? What you got?”

F:  “What’s happenin’, gents? Hey, how am I gonna take your money today, huh? What’s happenin’?”

C:  “So you’re the world's strongest man, right?”

MH:  “That’s right, that’s what the belt says.”

Anyway, hate to break from format, but it’s a bunch of people talking at once for the most part. Christian has a frying pan that he bets Henry can’t bend. Henry accepts. Money is brandished like it’s the Kumite and Henry is Bolo Leung. Henry wraps a couple of washcloths under the rim of the pan and wraps the pan in half around the cloths. Christian stares in disbelief at the pan. Test, meanwhile, has a steel rod. Ah, hell, it’s a skinny rod, the one Bill Kazmaier bent in WCW must have been twice as thick. Henry says double or nothing. More money is brandished. Henry puts on his belt, wraps a towel around the middle of the bar, and bends it around his massive quad. Then he bends it some more around his forearm. And even more braced against his waist. Christian, in his disappointment, clocks Henry across the back with his bent frying pan, and takes off.

F:  “Hey, man, what did you do that for?”

Henry is doubled over in pain. Hmmm… wonder where this is going? You’ll have to wait and see. End of segment.

Praise be they got rid of the Sexual Chocolate thing. Note how the Canadian Mafia were all banded together during that skit. Hmmm…

As we return, Cole shills The Scorpion King, and trumpets its record-breaking April opening weekend. Which is a bit like being the tallest person in Munchkin Land, but the film is boffo at the box office, no doubt.

The Man from Mobile, HARDCORE HOLLY comes out to a surprisingly good pop. Later tonight, Mark Henry v. Christian! I doubt Christian will have the same luck as Anderson and Zbyszko had after they punked out Kazmaier during Fall Brawl ’91.

Randy Orton comes out next, all electric blue tights and heavy metal music. Whoa, I thought he was going to give Barry O’s “O yeah!” signal, but he gives his Dad’s old sign instead. Holly with a go-behind, reversed by Orton, and a takedown. Holly reverses into a hammerlock, and up into a side headlock. Push out, Holly hits a shouldertackle on the rebound. Armdrag by Orton. Irish, reversed, Holly tries a hip block, reversed, awkward faceplant bulldog by Orton. One-and-a-half. Holly nails Orton with a clothesline. Heel offence. Field Goal kick. More heel offence. Hot Shot by Orton. Irish, reversed, Orton ducks the clothesline and connects with a dropkick. Two count. Irish to the corner. Reversed. Holly charges… back elbow by Orton. He’s going to the top… but Holly meets him there. Pushed off by Orton! He flies… cross body! But Holly rolls through… two count only! Holly tries a clothesline… Orton ducks. Drop toehold… rolling cradle! 1! 2! 3! (2:45) Holy schmoley! Orton wins! Holly is incensed. Tazz says Orton is a cheap shot artist, just like his old man. Yeah, but I miss watchin’ the old guy.

Backstage, Kurt is lifting up the fabric and checking out the goods… sadly, it’s not Stacy, nor Torrie. He looks up from under the canvas and starts talking at someone off-camera.

KA:  “Yo, photographer! Listen, this t-shirt is going to be huge, all right? Are you listening?”

YP:  “Yes, sir.”

KA:  “This is going to be the fashion statement of the year. Now, it’s up to you to make sure that this t-shirt it gets on the cover of WWF magazine, Newsweek…”

Meanwhile, EDGE slips in unawares to the two conversationalists, flashes his toothy grin, and heads off camera again.

KA:  “… Time Magazine and Sports Illustrated, National Geographic. You getting the picture here? I mean, I want people in Zimbabwe to be wearing this baby. You understand?”

YP:  “Yeah.”

KA:  “Allright, now I know you know those little, tiny Japanese photographers, hanging around with you? I just want you to point them in the right direction. Okay?”

Edge stealthily takes off again the way he came in. Presumably, some act of chicanery has just taken place.

KA:  “You understand? I know this t-shirt is a little big for them, but I want this baby to go worldwide. You got me?

YP:  “Yes, sir.”

KA:  “Are we on the same level here?”

YP:  “Yes, sir, Mr. Angle.”

KA:  “All right, I will see you out in the ring, make sure this gets out there.”

YP:  “Okay, I’ll take care of it.”

KA:  “See you soon.”

Ho-HO! Laughter and mirth awaits us all. End of segment.

After having to endure the B, C ‘n R show today, good thing I was in Japan last week. The only celebrity cheek I saw was Jamie Lee Curtis in “True Lies.” Yowza. Arnie is bigger than big over there, by the way. Saw lots of ads for “Collateral Damage” and none for TSK. Mind you, some movies take time to get released over there, some don’t. “Spiderman” and “K-Pax” are debuting together.

Next week: Angle at the Mellon Arena in his hometown. And his quasi-Olympian theme means KURT ANGLE is heading for the ring. Cole says he is teaming with Albert to take on Edge and Rikishi. Huh? Okay, whatever. Right now, the ring has the big red carpet on it and a draped-over easel waiting for the great unveiling.

KA:  “Ladies and gentlemen… now, I know that most people aspire to be rich and famous, [WHAT?!] to avoid stepping foot in rundown hick towns like this one [BOO!] Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa! But not me. Oh, no! Because regardless of where they're from, I love all my fans. [WHAT?!] And even though this town, Peoria… [WHAT?!]  I mean, listen to that word: Pee-or-ee-ah. [YAY!] It sounds more like a urinary infection than an actual town. [BOO!] But!  [BOO!] I know that you people are as excited as heck to have a real live honest to goodness Olympic champion in your presence. [BOO!] Now looking around, I can't help but notice how morbidly obese many of you are. [U SUCK! U SUCK!]  But listen, listen. Congratulations, because for once that’s to your advantage. I'll tell you why. Because tonight, I'm about to unveil the brand new Kurt Angle t-shirt. [BOO!] A t-shirt that I designed myself, available only in XXL or larger. [A-HOLE! A-HOLE!] Now, I know that you people are asking why XXL. Well, you need all the space you can to print out European champion, Intercontinental champion, King of the Ring, two-time WWF champion, [WHAT?!]  Olympic champion, [WHAT?!] and world champion, [WHAT?!] six-time national champion, [WHAT?!] national Hall-of-Famer… [WHAT?!] just to name a few. [WHAT?!] The list goes on and on and on, people, [WHAT?!] and you will see that with my brand new t-shirt. [WHAT?!] And I know you people are asking yourselves… [WHAT?!] You're asking, you’re saying, Kurt, [WHAT?!] I'm grossly out of shape. [WHAT?!] My skin is horrible [WHAT?!]  and I'm pathetic. [WHAT?!] So wouldn't wearing your shirt actually be like living a lie? [WHAT?!]  Well, the answer to that question… [WHAT?!] is yes, it would. [WHAT?!] But, you know what? I'm saying that it's okay. [WHAT?!] Because once you wear my t-shirt, [WHAT?!] you will feel something that you've never felt before. [WHAT?!] You people will feel like winners. [WHAT?!] So without any further ado…”

You think you know me. GAPTHLPTPLHPLTPHLPTHH!!! More epilepsy than a Pokemon cartoon. It’s Edge, out to have a li’l chat with our Olympic hero.

KA:  “What the hell are you doing out here? What, are you out here to make some kind of wisecrack? [WHAT?!] Huh? Edge, hold on a second. I'm not done talking. [WHAT?!] I beat you straight up, one, two, three at Backlash. [WHAT?!] So, you have nothing on me. [WHAT?!] So, why the hell are you out here right now? [WHAT?!]”

E:  “Kurt, despite all of our differences, you and I had one hell of match at Backlash. Now, you have a new t-shirt out and I wanted to come out here and say… I wanted it say congratulations, Kurt. [BOO!] I wanted to say congratulations, and I couldn't be happier for you, you got a brand new t-shirt. I mean, let's see it. I want to see the t-shirt.

KA [puzzled]:  “You're serious?”

E:  “After the match you and I had? I'm dead serious.”

KA:  “It was a good match. You know somethin’, Edge, I knew you would come around. I knew you would.” [shakes hands] So, you people want to see my brand new t-shirt? [MIXED RUMBLINGS!] Excellent! Photographers, gather around, let's go. I want to get a good shot of this. People, I want you to see the brand new look of Kurt Angle.”

Yo Photographer has three short Asian males in WWF Attitude T-shirts join him at ringside to take photos.

KA:  “Without any further ado… here, now, is the brand new Kurt Angle t-shirt. Drum roll, please!”

A canned drum roll ensues as Kurt lifts the veil on his shirt and smiles at the photographers. What he doesn’t realize is that the shirt says… you guessed it… “ALFRED E. NEUMAN FOR PRESIDENT.” No, it doesn’t, silly, it says “YOU SUCK” with a little star underneath. Say, it looks like Sacramento Kings colours…

KA:  “Is that not me, or what? Does that not fit me, or what? Hey, if you people have any fat kids, it makes a great gift idea…”

Kurt finally turns and looks at the shirt, to a HYOOGE crowd pop. Angle tries to peel the lettering off the shirt.

KA:  “Whoawhoawhoa, this is not my t-shirt. Stop taking pictures! Get out of here! Get out of here! Stop it! Put your camera down! [to Edge] Who the hell did this?”

E:  “Kurt, that shirt definitely is you. Hey, can we please play the music that inspired this fashion masterpiece? Thank you very much.”

The Theme from “You Suck” plays yet again as Edge bails and Angle fumes. He attacks the shirt and kicks it away. You know what? I like that shirt. Hell, I would buy that shirt. I like it even more than my Atari shirt. But not as much as my King Crimson shirt.

Oh, goody, a recap of UT and HHH. For those that don’t get TNN… You’re SOL without CRZ! Later tonight, for those that do get UPN… HHH v. Y2J! IDGARA! End of segment.

And now, you’re WWF Festering Pustule of the Night, brought to you by Clearasil. Mark Henry hack squats a car off the ground. Announcer Tony Chimel makes sure the crowd pops for Henry tonight…

TC:  “Please welcome, the world’s strongest man… Mark Henry!”

Henry comes out to his new non-Marvin Gaye (and therefore, inferior) music. Earlier tonight, you read Immo’s recap of The Bent Frying Pan Incident. Henry is still wearing a Backlash shirt, even though the PPV’s long gone. Maybe there’s yet another encore coming up to shill.

# Christian! Christian! At last, we get your full introooOOOOO!!! #

T:  “Well ya know, Cole, a lot of people don’t know this, but Christian was Canadia’s [sic] strongest junior high school athlete. He lifted, like, the cafeteria table up three times.”

Christian tentatively enters the ring, and ducks a charging Henry. Punches and kicks and an Irish Whip… cancel that. Henry won’t budge. He reverses it and whips Christian clean over the top rope. And stomps on Christian’s hand as it rests on the apron. The replay shows on the crappy replay overlay. Henry gorilla presses Christian onto the top rope, where he gets hung up. Hmm. Henry gets back in the ring and drives a forearm into Christian’s back, knocking him down to the mat. Shouldertackle. Irish… Christian ducks the clothesline. YOWTCH Vader clothesline. Headbutt splash. Two count only… head claw! I was just pondering that very move last week. But Christian escapes with a low blow. More kicks, and a dropkick. He’s going for the Unprettier! But Henry reverses it into a go-behind… lifts him up, spins him 180 and lock in a bearhug. Henry drives the back into the ringpost, and keeps the bearhug locked in. Now he’s shaking poor Christian like a ragdoll. That’s it. (1:57) TWSM Mark Henry wins by submission with a freakin’ bearhug. At least they could have made it an upside-down bearhug like Kazmaier’s. Now that was cool.

Backstage, MARC LLOYD interviews CHRIS JERICHO about how it felt when Teemu left town. Or something else, perhaps.

ML:  “Chris Jericho. Tonight, you have a chance to re-enter the title picture. You’ll go one-on-one with Triple H for the right to have a shot at the title next week on SmackDown! with Hollywood Hulk Hogan.”

CJ:  “First of all, I think it’s a testament to the owner of SmackDown! the supremely intelligent and fair-minded Mr. Vince McMahon, for proving once again that this is The Land of Opportunity. I mean, after all, where else but on SmackDown! do two warriors get a chance to go toe-to-toe for the chance to face Hollywood Hulk Has-been for the undisputed World Wrestling Federation championship, huh? Where else? Is there anything better than that? Tonight, after I beat Triple H, and next Thursday, after I beat Hulk Hogan, I get to face The Undertaker at Judgment Day for the undisputed championship. But don’t think I’m overlooking Triple H. Au contraire! I’m looking forward to facing Triple H. Here’s a guy, that after WrestleMania, gave what was rightfully mine, my championship title rematch, to Hollywood Hulk Has-been?! I mean, who is Triple H? Here’s a guy that held the championship for what, four short weeks? It was embarrassing. A larger-than-life, living legend like Chris Jericho, held the championship for four… glorious… months! Junior! And look at Triple H. He took advantage of a questionable situation at WrestleMania… after all, I had a very high fever that evening, if you recall… he took advantage of me and got a questionable victory, and then he doesn’t even give me a rematch until tonight, four days after he already lost the undisputed championship? Who does Triple H think he is, huh?! HUH?! I’ll tell you who he is. He’s a former champion, he’s a soon-to-be ex-husband, and most importantly of all, he’s Chris Jericho’s stepping stone to regaining the undisputed World Wrestling Federation championship. So, tonight, I take Triple H out of competition, next week, I beat Hollywood Hulk Has-been and regain what is rightfully mine. Why? Because I am a LARGER-THAN-LIFE, LIVING LEGEND, and tonight, I beat the hell out of Triple H, and destroy his championship dreams for good… right here, on SmackDown!”

Whoa, Chris, baby… lay off the Red Bull. Either that, or he had to rush his interview to make up for the overly-long opening tête-à-tête. End of segment.

Oh, goody, more TSK moments. Talking about Michael Clarke Duncan. He ain’t Kelly Hu, and if you ain’t Kelly Hu, I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Speaking of posteriors, heeeeeeere’s RIKISHI. I’ve totally forgotten what his EVIL! music sounded like. Rock on Letterman tomorrow. GATHGHTHTSAPAKPKPTH! It’s Edge and his strobe lights again. SD! brought to you by Blockbuster, Taco Bell and Clearasil. What, no cigarettes? DAMN!

First out for the heels, with new music reminiscent of perhaps Alice in Chains (Layne Staley, we hardly knew ye) is… ewwww, he’s shirtless again. And he’s wearing Stone Cold’s trunks. ALBERT is back, and so is Mr. U. Suck himself. The crowd chants his name while the heels charge the ring. Edge and Angle pair off in the ring while Rikishi takes Albert outside. Clotheslines by Edge. Leg lariat. Belly-to-belly by Angle. Sweet. Tag to The Hirsute One. Heel offence in the corner. Delayed double underhook suplex! Two count. Gorilla press, but Edge slips out and shoves Albert into Angle. Spear! One… Two… Angle makes the save at the last instant. Then he knock Rikishi off the apron and goes for the Angle Slam on Edge… countered into a single underhook faceplant. Hot tag to Rikishi! Clotheslines on both men. And again. Flying powerslam on Albert while Tazz screams in your ear. Rikishi Irish whips Angle into the far corner and into Albert. Could it be a double rear-end avalanche? Yup. Angle staggers out and gets clotheslined. Samoan Drop on Albert. RIKISHI IS AN ASS AFIRE! Here he goes… EARTHQUAKEah on Albert! One… Two… again, Angle with the save. Now Edge is back in. He clotheslines Angle down and then sends both himself and Albert out of the ring with a clothesline. Yes, the clothesline, the most overused move in pro-wrestling. That, and the kick to the groonies. Rikishi and Angle… nope, Rikishi tosses Angle out and Albert rolls back in. Hmm…  Irish to the corner…  followed in by a quick Avalanche. Uh-oh… Houston, we have corner slumpage. Retro-rockets ready? Roof raised? Proceed… ABORT! ABORT! Too late, Angle is in with the Olympic slam (!) on Rikishi. Wait! SPEAR! Wait again! Albert sets up for the Baldo Bomb… Blocked by Edge! Going for an Irish Whip… but Albert blocks it and tosses Edge over the top rope like a rag doll. YAAAAAAA… Albert misses an Avalanche on Rikishi. Savate kick! Rikishi is going up! But here’s Angle again… knocked off the apron by Rikishi. BICYCLE KICK! And… no way. BALDO BOMB! One… Two… Three! (4:04) Will wonders never cease? Four matches, four underdogs get put over. Well, maybe Henry wasn’t an underdog the way they’re building him up this time around, but you get the picture. Smart booking.

Edge is still putting the boots to Angle outside the ring… until Albert comes and makes the save, tossing Edge back into the ring. Now Angle has a chair while Albert holds him… usually, this is not recommended heel activity. Especially with Angle banging the chair on the mat like that in preparation to strike. CHARGE! But Edge boots the chair into Angle’s face, then his trick knee acts up on Albert. Yup, kick to the groonies. He chases after Albert with the chair, but he bails just in time as the heels leave, and once again we get a close up of Edge’s “I’ve been beat up, and I’m pissed” face.

In the lavatory, The New Slick is checking himself out in the mirror. D-VON, that is. He’s all reverended up in black, with matching collar.

DV:  “Oh. It’s time. Oh, it’s time to kick this off the right way. Oh, it’s time… for the collection fund.”

D-Von drops a one-dollar bill into a hatbox and says it’s time to testify. Oh, brother. End of segment.

When we come back… great googly moogly. D-Von is out in the crowd, presumably collecting money. Actually, that’s a hell of an idea. I think I’ll try it Saturday at the Canucks game. Uh-oh… someone just stole the collection box, and he’s high-tailing it down the stairs. And people were actually putting money in it, too! The guy tries to jump a barricade, but trips over it and the contents of the box spill all over the floor. Hey, it’s RODNEY! I think. Naw, it’s just some schmoe with the same haircut. D-Von beats the tar out of him. He even throws him back-first into a table.

DV:  “You let this be a lesson leaned! It’s divine intervention! Oh, my brother! The Good Book says, ‘Thou shalt not steal!’”

Hmm… too bad it wasn’t Rodney. Backstage, Kurt Angle again? Yup, and he’s checking his nose to make sure it’s in one piece. He finds a crewperson having a drink. Of course, his face is totally covered by the drinking fountain, so Kurt can’t see who it is. Hilarity is bound to ensue!

KA:  “Hey, you! Go get my car. I want to get out of this hick town as fast as possible. Hey, tubby, I’m talking to you. Hey…”

Angle spins him around, and it’s the Security Guard from Segment Two! And he’s wearing the “You Suck” T-shirt! Ho HO!

KA:  “Wh… where did you get that? Where’d you get that shirt?! DAMN that Edge! DAMMIT! I’m gonna kill him!”

The camera zooms in on the shirt as Angle takes off. I WANT one!

Elsewhere backstage (who knew Peoria had such a big arena?), Triple H is PLACING ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER! Will he make it all the way to the ring without tripping? Come back and find out! End of segment.

Rob Van Dam’s at the 7-11. Heh heh, heh heh heh, heheheh hehehehehheh. By the way, get your Slurpee in a Super Big Gulp cup instead. They charge for the cup, not the contents. You get way more of your favourite flavour of malted battery acid that way, for less.

Judgment Day promo with The Undertaker. Not nearly as cool as it was before he stole his buddy Chainz’s gimmick.

Countdown time. He’s your Judas, and he’s your priest, he’s Y2J. And ANOTHER full into for HHH. Hay-Zoos Marimba. It’s almost enough to make me not lie Motorhead. But how can you not like the band that gave us that seminal hit, “Killed by Death”?

The bell rings. Y2J fakes a collar-and elbow and instead immediately bails out of the ring. HAH! Love it. Jericho comes back in and gets the first shot in. But HHH runs him over off the Irish Whip. H with the advantage. Irish, ducks the head, eats the boot. But he dodges the charging Y2J and tosses him over the top rope. Chase back into the ring leads to a HHH clothesline. He tosses Jericho shoulder-first into the ringpost. Arm wringer. Vince and Stacy look on via monitor. Again into the ringpost. Jericho fights out of the arm wringer. Irish… but HHH comes back with an armbreaker, Terrance Taylor-style. HHH wraps the arm around the ringpost. Now both men on the outside. Eye rake by Y2J, and the head into the steps. Back in the ring. HHH fights back. Irish, clothesline ducked, Y2J with a flying jalapeno. Y2J mounts HHH and rains punches down onto this skull. Haitch is bleeding. Yeah! Blood makes the grass grow! More punches. Irish to the far corner, followed in by a clothesline. Vince approves. But HHH fires back. Off the ropes… Sleeper! Y2J with the good ol’ sleeper. Can HHH fight out? Eventually, yes. Not only that, he puts on one of his own, but Y2J immediately shoves him off and nails him with a forearm. Y2J falls down on his back, not sure why. HHH is dazed… and falls headfirst into Jericho’s southern hemisphere. He’ll be feeling that for a while. In a surreal moment, while both men are being counted, Vince is talking to Stacy backstage… but Stacy points Vince’s attention toward… THE UNDERTAKER. Well, you knew he’d show up, didn’t you?

VKM:  “What the hell are you doing here?”

End of segment. I merde you not. The count is at five, and we are going to commercial. And Tony Schiavone hasn’t even told us that the tape machines are rolling. Whuzzupwitdat? As P.I.L. once sang, don’t ask me, ‘cos I don’t know.

Well, miraculously enough, when we come back, both men are up and slugging it out. Cole assures us they have been going it at all during the break. Sure they have, Michael. The Stroke! Y2J plants HHH facefirst. Two count only, though. Jericho with the advantage. But Haitch fires back. Irish… reversed… leg lariat! Or, as Cole likes to call it, heel kick. Two count. Stomps, and a dropkick to the back. Irish to the far corner… CHARGE! But Jericho meets the steel shoulder-first again. Ridiculous neckbreaker. SPINE ON THE PINE! One… Two… Two-and-a-half! Irish, H goes for a high knee, but Jericho counters with a sleeper slam. Two count again. Y2J to the top… crotched on the top turnbuckle. Going for the superplex, but shoved off by Jericho. Flying dropkick! Two count again. Jericho yaks with the ref (Tim White) and H capitalizes with that high knee. Two count. Jericho going for the faceplant bulldog, but Haitch sees it coming and hits a clothesline. Two count again. Jericho goes for a dropkick, but HHH grabs both legs and Y2J goes flat on his back. Slingshot… but Jericho lands feet first on the second turnbuckle! He points at his head, the universal signal of intelligence! Except he jumps off directly into a boot to the gut. Pedigree! NO! Jericho counters into a backslide! One! Two! Frig! Such a nice counter, too. Faceplant bulldog! Going for the Lionsault… H rolls out of the way. Boot to the gut by H… Pedigree! NO! Countered into a leg lace! He’s trying to turn him over. Well, H seems to turn into it himself, so Jericho obliges. The Walls! Will H tap? He’s screaming in pain. Can he reach the ropes? Oooh, almost, but Jericho pulls him away. It’s a full Boston Crab now. The arm goes up once… twice… NO! HHH pushes up and makes it to the ropes. Jericho thinks he won it, but the ref says no. Uh-oh… Y2J leaves the ring and grabs a chair. TWO chairs! White gets one chair and goes to put it away, while Jericho swings with the other… but H with the boot to the gut. DDT! And he shoves the second chair out of the ring (smart) before White sees it. One! Two! Two and point-nine repeating! They wail away at each other. Haitch with the advantage. Irish, reversed, facebuster. Boot to the gut. Pedigree! NO! H sees the Undertaker on the apron! He releases the hold and goes after Undie, knocking him to the floor. Small package! Handful of tights! One! Two! Three! (17:12 including commercial time)


Yes, this way. Post-match, H is livid. He attacks Jericho, then Undie, who has entered the ring. But Jericho nails him from behind, and both guys are beating him up. Does that make Y2J an accomplice? Jericho does the Hogan Wave while Undie chokeslams HHH. The Walls! And Undie with a steel chair… he orders Y2J off so he can do his chair thing… Zounds! It’s Hogan! # Here’s he comes to save the dayyyyyy # Hogan beats up Undie through the crowd while Jericho makes the belt motion and does the Hogan Wave again up the rampway.

T:  “It might not be fair, but it’s reality.”

And with that, we are outta here. Hope you enjoyed our little recap. And, best of luck next year to the Rivermen.



The Immolator, in his other so-called life, has to drag his bad self out of
bed at 3:30 in the morning to work the IT desk at CKNW, your Vancouver
Canucks station.

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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
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RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
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RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
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PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
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PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
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RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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