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When All Else Fails, Try Wrestling...
May 31, 2002

by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


KINGS UPDATE: We won Game 5! We won Game 5! Back to LA Friday to try to knock them out - oh man wouldn't that be awesome? It *would* be awesome. (3-2)

TOMORROW'S UPN MOVIE IS: NOT "One on One," which is the ad we actually get...no, tomorrow's UPN movie stars former Cosby kid Keshia Knight-Pulliam. "She's all grown up now." Ooh baby baby. Ohh they called it "What About Your Friends" that makes me sad thinking about Left-Eye - let's move on

TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!

LAST THURSDAY: Man, LISTEN to Cole - "Experience Hulkamania for the very last time" - ha ha, *suckaaaaa* - well gee THIS is about two minutes worth of FUHFUHWID

Closed captioned logo during the Opening Credits is Beautiful, People!

CHEMOTHERAPYRO! From the Pengrowth Saddledome in Calgary, AB 30.5.2 (taped 28.5) and SAP transmitido en espanol on the United Paramount Network (and the Score), THIS is WWE SMACKDOWN!

TONIGHT: Edge and Kurt Angle take it to another level - within the confines of the unforgiving STEEL cage! But first...

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: RIKISHI (co-champion - Isle of Samoa - 350 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Judgment Day) and RICO (co-champion - Las Vegas, Nevada - 239 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. BILLY & CHUCK (challengers - 534 pounds)
Champs enter first and separately because that's just the way it is - some things'll never change. Do Billy & Chuck even DO anything REMOTELY ambiguous anymore? It's just so SAD. The music doesn't stop between Rico's entrance and the challengers entrances. Rico stays out on the floor while Billy & Chuck sidestep him to rush the ring - 'kishi with a RIKISHIKICK for Chuck and a trip over the top to the floor for Billy, and we be underway. Fat ass splash for Chuck, who duly flumps down. 'kishi pumps it up, but turns round just in time to catch Rico...who appeared to have nefarious intent behind his back. Rico begs off long enough to allow Billy & Chuck to get into position - 'kishi turns back...and runs into a HUGE double flapjack! Whoa! Billy stays in for twelve or thirteen stomps as Korderas puts Chuck into the corner. Billy stands on the neck - when Korderas pulls him off, Chuck gets in a series of punches from the floor. Tonight, Triple H takes on Test, Edge and Kurt Angle in a cage, and The Undertaker puts his Undisputed title on the line against Randy Orton! Believe it! Tag - seven stomps from Chuck. Billy with an axehandle from the apron to the floor. I wonder what the crowd is chanting, wink wink. Into the ropes, 'kishi ducks, double clothesline takes 'em both down! Again, Korderas works on putting the illegal man in the corner - and Rico sneaks in a flying kick to the back. Chuck hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Billy adds a DDT - you think he'd learn by now that *Samoans have very, very hard heads.* 'kishi pops up while Billy celebrates - RIKISHIKICK #2 for Chuck, Billy runs into a Samoan Drop, 'kishi tags Rico and brings him in the hard way - Chuck wants a sunset flip but you know that doesn't work - SQUAAAAAAASH - Rico runs over, 'kishi blocks the punch, ducks the kick, RIKISHIKICK puts Rico out - and he happens to fall on Chuck, and he happens to be legal, and Korderas happens to count 1, 2, 3, and the champs happen to retain. Book it. (2:17) Post-match, Billy and Chuck demand an explanation from the Stylist - meanwhile, up on the stage, Rikishi's hat has MAGICALLY materialised in his hand...FAT MAN DANCING

"Oh my," indeed, Michael Cole! Hollywood Hulk Hogan *is* WALKING!

Wow, listening to Ben Affleck talk about how proud he is of this movie *really* makes me want to go see it! I mean, more than "Spider-Man" or "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones!" SURE! "Sum of All Fears!" YEAH! I'm EXCITED!!!

Lita... oh, I'm tired of it - Stacker 2


The WWE Smack of the Night is brought to you by eeeeeeeeeeee - from last week, Maven pins Christian during their big tag match

MOMENTS AGO! Torrie wished Maven good luck - then sealed it with a kiss! "Wow - was that for luck in the ring tonight?" "Yes it was." "Wow - maybe tonight WILL be my lucky night." "Maybe it will. See you later." "All right." Of course, they didn't notice Tajiri noticing all this through the window in the door behind them... hey and the BEST part of this was that *Maven never lost his chewing gum*

CHRISTIAN (Tampa, Florida - 224 pounds - with Columbus onsale hype -King of the Ring goes on sale Saturday!) v. MAVEN (Charlottesville, Virginia - 222 pounds)
referee: TEDDY LONG
Hot on the heels of last week's tag match comes tonight's match. Was the pin a fluke win for Maven...or the beginning of something special? Anybody seen Nidia lately, by the way? Christian stomps early, stomp, stomp, stomp, kick, right, right, right, right, kick, into the ropes, duck, Maven slides under - and HERE is where he breaks his leg OWWWWWW, although they don't mention it on the air. Maven with a hiptoss when Christian runs in, "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," tosses him over the top to the floor, pescado (!) that almost misses but gets enough to keep him from landing on his head - back into the ring, leg is hooked, 1, 2, Christian kicks out. Give that high flying a replay! Maven ducks a swing, grabs a waistlock but Christian backflips to land on his feet - then hits his patented backbreaker to regain control. Blatant chokehold (Cole: "BLATANT chokehold!"). Stomp. Stomp. Coming up tonight, a big cage match between Edge and Kurt Angle! Also, Hogan SPEAKS! Christian sits Maven on top and climbs up after him - Maven with a gutshot and shove back to the center - Maven goes for it - second-rope bulldog! 1, 2, Christian kicks out! Maven out and climbing up...but TAJIRI is out and there's an overhead kick to put Maven back into the ring - Christian adds an Unprettier and now it's academic - 1, 2, 3. (Strictly for the 2:09) Considering Maven broke his leg, you have to give him some credit for gutting it out.

Vince McMahon's on the phone - hmm, that can't be me, because he's trying to plug up plot holes: "No no no no - no no no no - listen to me, all right? Look - what do you mean? All right, let me get this straight, since Benoit has been drafted by me and is the property of SmackDown!, you're telling me that since Benoit is still inactive, he can go any place he wants to go, he can go to RAW, he can be on Flair's show if he wants to...come in, just for the record, I don't like that and I've got an issue with Flair...uh, but right now, I'm gonna call you back. WHO are you?" Vince has caught sight of a sky blue bra peeking out of a white dress shirt unbuttoned to...there. "Hi, Mr. McMahon - I'm Dawn Marie Rinaldi - yes, I'm a paralegal at your attorneys...at (name of law firm I'll probably botch so let's move on) - I have these papers for you to sign, and...I hope I'm not causing any problems, but Miss Keibler told me to never bring them to you personally, but she's not here today." "No, she's not, she's over at MTV as a matter of fact, she's hosting or co-hosting the season finale of Tough Enough - but since she's not here, then why don't you just let me review these documents?" "Okay, sure. Umm....well, you see, I have you sign...right here." "Well, before I sign, why don't you just sit down here and, why don't we get acquainted, okay? Because, I generally don't sign documents that I haven't reviewed..." While Vince reviews her cleavage...whoops, Chris Jericho interrupts. Dawn covers up as best she can, although it doesn't matter - Jericho, as ever, is oblivious to anything not related to himself. "Vince! Vince - Vince, I have got a huge dilemma, I've got a big problem..." Vince apparently has a huge hardon - you know. "Yeah, I can tell, you know my pain - tonight, you put me in a match against Faarooq - just ten short days after I beat the hell out of Triple H in the Hell in the Cell, I'm feeling too, I'm so beat up right now, look - I still got the stitches in my shoulder from that cage match, it was barbaric, and then tonight you're taking one of your most valuable commodities (Chris Jericho) and putting him in a match with Faarooq?" "And you wanna know why?" "Of course I wanna know why!" "You think I might be abusing you, is that it?" "Yes - taking advantage of me!" "Look at it this way - since I know the kind of competitor you are - and I know that Triple H is looking forward to his match tonight with Test - Triple H, the same man that was in the same match you were in ten days ago, I'm not *about* to let Triple H outdo you!" "That's RIGHT!" "You're Chris Jericho!" "That's right!" "And you're tough, and that's why you're gonna beat Faarooq's (ass) tonight." "That's right, I am tougher than Triple H, Vince, you'll see. I'm tougher - I'm TOUGHER!" "I have no doubt..." Vince slides back onto the sofa. "Now then, maybe we can get back to uh, reviewing things." "Sure, because I have ALL night, Mr. McMahon..." "Oh!" Arm around the shoudler...oops, we're done here


Commentators shill "Wolf Lake" - damn, they only gave us "Iron Chef USA" for ONE week?

CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds - with SmackDown! is brought to you by "Undercover Brother," Subway - eat Jared! and Quaker State) v. FAAROOQ (Warner Robins, Georgia - 276 pounds)
referee: MIKE SPARKS
We got us a slugfest to start - Jericho right, Faarooq right, Jericho, Faarooq, Faarooq knee, forearm in the back, forearm, forearm, right, into the ropes, back elbow...running clothesline puts Jericho over the top and onto the floor. Faarooq follows - Jericho rammed into the STEEL steps. Jericho meets a chair. Faarooq rolls in to break the count - and back out - but Jericho is waiting with a knee - right - into the barricade - running at him but Faarooq drops HIM on the barricade! Forearm in the back by Faarooq - and now into the commentary table. Shoved into the ring, Faarooq follows back in - kick to the gut - head to the buckle. Into the opposite corner and Jericho hits hard. Faarooq snapmares him over - off the ropes with a dropped shoulderblock. Leg is hooked - 2! Faarooq says one more - second rope...but Jericho meets him with a dropkick to the jaw on his way down! Jericho targets the sternum - elbowdrop, elbowdrop, elbowdrop - replay of the dropkick. Stomp. Jericho rabbit punches the back of the head twice - then chokes him on the second rope. Jericho runs the ropes and hits a Boss Man straddle - then breaks into an Ali shuffle. Jericho decides to do a little surgery on the ring, removing the cover from the top turnbuckle. While Sparks works to try to put it back on, Faarooq puts him down with a lariat - Sparks is slow to get over, and only gets to 2. Faarooq sets up Jericho for the Dominator - but Jericho shifts his weight to land on his feet, runs the ropes and hits the "bulldog!" Lionsault coming up - MISSES! Faarooq with the big SPINEBUSTER - 1, 2, NO!!! Faarooq's getting mad. Right hand - charges but Jericho sidesteps and Faarooq runs into the eyebolt! Jericho adds a sleeper takedown - hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3! (4:00) Jericho makes sure his arm is raised a few times. "I'm the king of the world!"

TONIGHT: There'll be rage in the cage!

The Tough Enough 2 Finale is NEXT! If you'll allow me to utilise my prospicience, I...yes, I foresee............... breasts

Enter the Xbox Ultimate Experience Sweepstakes at WWE.com and win the chance to go one on one with a WWE superstar! (playing Xbox)

Here's some live events for the people who don't appear on this show! Sunday, New Orleans! RAW is Dallas! Tuesday, Lexington! Saturday, Knoxville! Sunday, Columbus! Then RAW is Atlanta!

Take a look at the historic Saddledome! And the UNhistoric Pengrowth! There's a lot of show left - Edge and Angle inside a steel cage, Triple H one on one with Test, and Taker puts it on the line against Randy Orton!

Lance Storm catches up to Reverend D-Von in the middle of his sermon practice. "Reverend?" "Yes, my brother?" "Will you hear a confession?" "Uh....yeah, it's been a while, but, yeah, sure. Why don't we just come in here." "Splendid, thank you. Thank you." So they make do with...the shower. "Forgive me, reverend for I have sinned. This is serious, this - this sin, it's worse than blasphemy." "Oh, my brother." "It's worse than adultery." "Oh no." "This sin--" "Yes?" "It's worse than being American!" "Oh, my brother...please, testify to me!" "I'm so ashamed!" "Oh!" "My sin--" "Yes?" "...is that I'm Western Canadian!" "Oh, my brother - oh, that's a sin! Oh, it's a sin! It's a dirty, nasty, filthy sin! Oh, it's a sin! But I can help you - yes - oh, my brother (makes sign of the cross) oh - your sins have now been forgiven." "Thank you, Reverend." "Oh, my brother, yes." "Thank you." "Absolutely. But you see..." D-Von pulls him back as Deacon Batista enters the frame with collection box chained round his next. "...a man with your sins being forgiven - the D-Von Building Fund needs a donation, so if you would kindly reach in and uh, support the D-Von Building Fund." "Good Reverend - Deacon - thank you." Storm drops what I presume to be a loonie in the box and walks off. "Man...he sure is cheap!"

At the Magic Window, MARC LLLLLLLOYD stands with Hulk Hogan - pause for Canadian cheers - okay, let's move on. No, really, I'm bored. C'mon. Geez, look at 'em both sitting there grinning like idiots. C'MON! Hey, I just came up with a joke: what do you need to know about Canadian cheers? They're only worth about .65 American HAW HAW HAW so Loyd *finally* asks him about the events of last week. "Well, you know, brother, last Thursday was definitely a turning point in my life. As I stood out in front of all my Hulkamaniacs and poured my heart out, I had no idea the response I was gonna get because I knew my time as a full-time competitor was winding down. But all I ever wanted to do was bow out gracefully and in a professional manner, and then along came Mr. Vince McMahon, who thinks just because he has a contract, he owns you. He thinks you're some type of indentured servant or something. Well, Vince McMahon, you can take that contract and stick it where the sun doesn't shine, brother! As a matter of fact, Vince McMahon, I got a size 15 that you can stick where the sun doesn't shine! But you know something, brother? Like I said last week, I *am* gonna retire - but not now! I've had a chance to think about it, to rearrange my objectives and my priorities - just as much as winning the WWE Undisputed Championship meant to me, there's one other thing that means just as much, but I didn't even realise it until last week...and that's a one on one confrontation, in the ring, in a heavy duty match against Vince McMahon, with me kickin' his ass right in the middle of that ring! That means just as much to me as that Undisputed title, and when I do, I'm gonna reach in and tear his black heart out, brother--" Loyd disappears from the shot when McMahon grabs him and shoves him aside. "You're gonna WHAT? You're gonna tear my black heart out - huh? Is that what you gonna do?" But Hogan goes DOWN as Angle gets him from behind with a Lex Flexor! And...we go to the break.

Booker T shills Swanson Hungry-Man - with corn 'n' puddin'!

And now, the WWE Burn of the Night, brought to you by Stacker 2! From Monday, Tommy Dreamer makes us puke - then Taker introduces *him* to a chair. Hey, they took Big Show out of the clips of the rrrrracing car

MOMENTS AGO! Three paragraphs ago

WWE UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP: THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER (champion - Houston, Texas - 305 pounds) v. RANDY ORTON (challenger - St. Louis, Missouri - 240 pounds)
referee: Long
Shhh, Taker's got the stick - he's gonna say something awesome! "Yessir - I am your WWE Undisputed Champion! And tonight will be an example of why I am the greatest WWE Champion of all time. Now I'm sure a lot of you are wondering why I'm gonna give this rookie, this virtual unknown, a chance at the WWE title. As your champion, it is my DUTY... to demonstrate to you why... the WWE is the land of opportunity! So tonight, a third-generation - a third-generation wrestler - a hell of an athlete, and an all-around good kid - is gonna get a shot - at the title. And I couldn't think of a better place...than a city chock full of wrestling history and tradition...yessir! This IS the championship city of the world! ("Yay!") So what better place - what better place than Calgary, Alberta, Canada ("He said Calgary! I love you Undertaker!") to defend this title?" Golly, these Canadians sure are saps, aren't they? I love this guy. While Cole smells disingenuousness, I remind you that every time the crowd says "What?" it's my duty to say "Austin ain't on this show, you know." Here we go - Taker offers the Hand of Friendship! Orton takes it - hey, no shenanigans yet! Lockup, Taker shoves him to the corner...but gives the clean break, to everyone's shock. Lockup, Taker shoves him to the mat. Orton back up, we go again - lockup, side headlock by Orton...Taker pushes into the corner, powers out, shoulderblock when Orton comes back. Orton to the corner - and back up. We go again! Lockup, side headlock by Taker ("Whoooooa!!") - Orton powers out, but Taker hits the shoulder. Up and over, Orton with a hiptoss(!), an armdrag(!), into the ropes, biig back body drop!! Orton with a clothesline that puts Taker outside - and Orton adds a pescado! I think he's got Taker's attention. Taker put back in - Taker right back in there with a gutshot after Orton follows. Set up for the suplex - Orton lands on his feet - Marc Mero rollup gets 2! Oops, Orton ran RIGHT into the clothesline. Taker goes to work - elbowdrop - removing the same turnbuckle cover Jericho did earlier in the show (hmmm) - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone...and backing Long away - he had to point to his patch! Orton begs off - not likely. Orton extends the hand - Taker is a little incredulous. Taker in, tries the soupbone but Orton ducks it - was he playing possum? Orton with an right hand, European uppercut, into the ropes, dropkick, dropkick, into the ropes...ohhhh Taker with a DDT. 1, 2, OHHHH HE PULLS HIM UP!!!! Taker gets a smile on his face - and rubs his forearm across *Orton's* face...with authority. In the corner, slap, slap, slap - whip into the exposed steel IS REVERSED - gutshot - Rocker Dropper swinging neckbreaker (I know, I know) - leg is hooked - 1, 2, Taker kicks out!! Orton sits him in a corner - opposite corner whip is reversed, Taker scoops him up and hits Snake Eyes - off the ropes, big boot connects - cover - 1, 2, Orton kicks out! Replay of the boot. Taker holds up three fingers to Long - not happening, says Long. In the meantime, Orton sneaks up with a schoolboy - 1, 2, no!! Into the ropes, very fluid chokeslam - seeya. 1, 2, 3. Champ retains. (5:21) Very, VERY entertaining and I hope Taker changed some minds with this match. That new chokeslam sure looks neat. Taker grabs his belt - now I have a feeling he ain't done here. Sure enough - picks him up and puts him on the outside with a soupbone that puts him through the ropes. And now Taker is outside - and he's got a chair. Orton wears the chair around his neck - but before Taker can put him into the post, TRIPLE H RETURNS! is out - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, and running him into the steps. Right, right, running start - clotheslined over the announce table! H isn't done - head to the table, and again to the steps! Right, into the ring, H in - Taker strikes here. Soupbone! Into the ropes, ohhh head down so H hits the facebuster. H clotheslines him out! H takes the belt (left in the ring) - and gets the mic! "You wanna talk about givin' someone an opportunity? How 'bout giving ME the opportunity? 'cause I guarantee you this - you give me the chance, you won't be leaving with this!" And he tosses the belt to Taker. Play his music!

There's The World! Tonight - have you heard? - is the Tough Enough 2 Fee nal lay!

THE HURRICANE (cruiserweight champion - Parts Unknown - 215 pounds - with Several Clips) and BILLY KIDMAN (Allentown, Pennsylvania - 215 pounds - with station identification and RAW in Dallas hype) v. TAJIRI (Tokyo, Japan - 206 pounds) and CHAVO GUERRERO (El Paso, Texas - 213 pounds)
referee: Korderas
Are Kidman's pants getting smaller? Strange that Chavo's "Jr." has been dropped - or maybe not so strange. Hurricane and Tajiri start - lockup, fireman's carry takeover by Hurricane for 1, Tajiri slips out and uncorks a back kick to the ribs - kick, elbow, into the ropes, reversed, leapfrog by Hurricane, kick caught, enzuigiri ducked - Hurricane wraps him up in - whoa, the pendulum! Walking him over to the corner, Hurricane rocks Tajiri's head repeatedly into the bottom turnbuckle - five quick shots - Hurricane releases him and stands back (so to speak) - waiting for Tajiri to get up, then giving him a superkick - leg is hooked - 1, 2, Chavo breaks it up. To the corner, tag to Kidman - Hurricane with a suplex, Kidman in with a slingshot legdrop - 1, 2, Tajiri kicks out. Arm wringer by Kidman, right by Tajiri and reverses the arm wringer - tag to Chavo - Kidman punches out of the hold - then buries a punch into Guerrero's gut as HE comes off the top rope. Rydeen bomb gets Kidman 2. Right, into the ropes is reversed, Tajiri from behind with a kick - Hurricane protests, but only succeeds in capturing Korderas' attetion - Tajiri leaps into the ring and puts on the Tarantula - Chavo adds a punch and a dropkick to the helpless Kidman - Chavo hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Right. Tag to Tajiri - held open for the kick to the ribs. That's it, says Tajiri, right after I powerbomb Kidman I'll pin him. Ohhhhh no. That's right, YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN and both men are down. Hurricane gets the tag! Clothesline, back elbow for Guerrero as he comes in, right for Tajiri, right, right, whip is reversed, back elbow up by Hurricane, Overcast (Buff Blockbuster) only gets 2 when Chavo breaks it up. Hurricane ducks the short clothesline and hits a neckbreaker. Tajiri put in the corner - runs at him but Tajiri wants the Tarantula - but Hurricane shoves him to the floor in mid-attempt! Hurricane runs the ropes - tope con hilo!! But Chavo takes out Hurricane with a baseball slide dropkick. Chavo checks on his partner, making for too inviting a target for Kidman to miss - SHOOTING STAR PRESS from the top rope to the floor!!! Hurricane puts Tajiri back in the ring and gives the international sign of the chokeslam - but before he does it, his own music starts up and another riddle appears on the video screens. "You're wondering who I am / Well this is just a peek / The mystery will be over / When I reveal myself next week" - and then half of a photograph is shown. It looks like Hurricane with a pair of (female?) arms with painted fingernails around him. Meanwhile, Tajiri unleashes the KICK - 1, 2, 3. (4:12)

"Hulkamania" magazine ad

I said, she's back - and all grown up!

And now, the WWE Slam of the Week, presented by Subway! From last week, Test gives a distracted-by-Storm Triple H a big boot

TRIPLE H (Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds) v. TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds - with Oklahoma City SmackDown! hype)
referee: Sparks
Remember when these two went like eight minutes during RAW and we all thought such great things were to come? Seems like eons ago. I guess instead of trending negative with sentences like that, I *should* be saying "isn't it interesting that they're trying to sell long-term effects of a Hell in the Cell matchup by continuing to say they're *still* not quite 100% 'ten days later?'" but then again, what's the fun in that. More fun to say "wow, they sure blew it with Test back then, didn't they?" and THEN move on. If you're wondering how I can manage to say all this, consider the length of the entrances! Brawl to start - right by H (of COURSE he lands the first blow, you say - ehhhhhh), right by Test, H with a right, Test, H, H, H, into the ropes by H, back elbow. Test in the corner, H with a kick, kick, kick, right, into the opposite corner, barrels him over and holds the choke. Running clothesline puts Test on the outside. H out after him. Test rammed into the barricade. Right. Test with a gutshot to take H into the commentary table before he can do it to him. Got him on the shoulder, but H breaks free, shoves him into the ringpost, then clotheslines him down. H rolls in to break the ten count, then rolls right back out again. Test whipped into the barricade again. Test rolled back in - H looks up to see LANCE STORM out one more time. This slows up H just enough for Test to recover, dropping the leg on the back of H's neck as he crawls back in under the bottom rope. Test takes over - right, right, right, back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, chasing off Sparks (IMMUNITY!) - H with a gutshot, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Test with a clothesline. H FLOP!! Test pulls him up by the hair - and throws another right hand. Into the opposite corner - nobody home on the charge - H fires back - right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, H with a kick - but H runs into a big sidewalk slam! Test puts H outside, then starts talking World Cup with Sparks - allowing Storm to land a superkick on H, then roll him back in the ring - leg is hooked - 1, 2, H gets a foot on the rope! Right, right, right, right, replay of the superkick also, leg is hooked, 1, 2, H kicks out again! Test and Sparks have a more heated discussion this time. Test took too long - H lands the high knee! H with a clothesline! Right hand, into the opposite corner is reversed, but H pops out with ANOTHER clothesline! Into the ropes, Andersonbuster - leg is hooked but Storm is on the apron and Sparks has his back to the ring! H grabs him by his shirt and spins him around - H takes a swing at Storm, but Storm ducks, then drops H with a hot shot! Test with a gutshot - Meltdown - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO!! Both Test and Storm are unhappy. Test staggers back to his feet - and loads up the boot. H DUCKS - gutshot - Pedigree coming - NO, he lets go when he sees Storm climbing up top - right for Storm - and tossed into a crossbody on Test!! Right hand for Storm, right, right, right, right. Test tries again to land his boot - H ducks and *Storm* eats it! Again, H tries to secure the Pedigree - THIS time he lets go of the attempt when he sees, in the words of Cole, THE DAMN UNDERTAKER up on the apron - right hand finds themark, but when he turns back, Test *finally* connects with the Wotsitolla Boot - and nobody gets up from that. 1, 2, 3. Test wins! (5:48) Taker immediately hits the ring and makes sure his gloves are tight. Soupbone! Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. Taker chases off Sparks - H walks in but finds himself in the choke - and there's a hold-him-up, THEN drop him chokeslam!! Taker is through the ropes and back up...or is he? They're not playing the music and he IS looking back - yep, Taker's over to borrow a chair. Taker back in the ring - Sparks quickly slides out of the ring - WHACK! Taker puts the point of the chair in H's gut. Sparks back in - nope. WHACK! Taker gives H a chairshot in the back. The ring fills with REFS & OFFICIALS but they don't stop Taker from one MORE chairshot in the back. Taker puts the point of the chair into H's gut one more time. And there's a point of the chair in the head that takes H through the ropes to the floor! He isn't done - one more chair to the face! And one more to the ribs! H is well and truly laid out - Taker throws the chair to the floor and NOW you may play his music!

Booker T eats another pound of food

Heeey more live events coming up for the crew you're watching now! Saturday, Pensacola! Sunday, Jackson! Monday, Tulsa! Tuesday, Oklahoma City!

Let Us Take You Back Three Paragraphs - now *there's* a Big Evil beatdown! All right, so the bald guy is Fit Finlay, right? And the guy with the hair has to be....Johnny Ace? Sorry, I mean "John Lauraintis"

The theme from cage lowering is playing! Ooooh!

In the locker room, Big Valbowski catches up with Edge. "Edge, you gotta promise me something." "What's that?" "Promise me your gonna take that stupid, ridiculous wig off of Angle." "You mean Cueball? No problem. I think everyone here in Calgary...deserves to see Kurt Angle the way he came into this world - bald and ugly. But Kurt is trapped inside that cage with me. Nowhere to go, all by himself...no escape...no hiding." "No (shit)! I'd wish you luck...but luck's for losers." Wow, thanks for showing up, Val.

Loyd stands with Kurt Angle to get a counterpoint. "What the heck are you talking about?" "Edge saying that he's going to remove your wig and expose your bald head." "Well that's funny, 'cause when I look in the mirror, I don't see a bald head - I see a head full of natural, beautiful hair." "Well, we have footage from Judgment Day where Edge shaved your head bald. Here, take a look." (Let Us Take You Back To Judgment Day - but just before Edge puts razor to scalp) "You cut that off right now, don't you EVER show that freakin' footage again! So what. I was bald for 24 measly hours. But as you can see, my hair has grown back. And no, I didn't forget what Edge TRIED to do to me. He tried to embarrass me. He tried to humiliate me. He tried to *disgrace* Your Olympic Hero! And you know something? Tonight in the steel cage, Edge says that *I* have nowhere to run? Well, neither does he. And tonight, I'm not just gonna beat Edge - I'm gonna do something to him that he couldn't do to me - I AM going to embarrass him. I AM going to humiliate him. And I AM going to disgrace him in front of his lousy home country. Oh, it's true - it's damn true." Wow, by never showing any footage of bald Kurt, they're almost making it seem like paying money for Judgment Day would have been a good idea!

Supervision of the cage placement continues - the match will be NEXT!

Tough Enough 2 finale ad

Confidential ad - in addition to Part II of the Shawn Hickenbottom/Michaels interview ("Christian life" flashes on screen), Cole promises a special look at Davey Boy Smith's life (hmmm)

KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds) v. EDGE (Toronto, Ontario - 241 pounds - with Forceable Entry CD cover) in a STEEL cage match
Hey, didja notice something about this show? Think about it - I'll tell ya later if you haven't figured it out. Just before this match begins, we take a look at THE HART FAMILY in the front row - man, Stu just looks....well, like all of Lawler's jokes from nine years ago. Edge in through the door and now they're nose to nose. Angle backs off first. Lockup, waistlock by Angle - Edge with two elbows to break the hold. Angle grabs a single leg - Edge tries an enzuigiri but Angle ducks it, and Edge lands on his stomach. Angle's elbowdrop misses, Edge's clothesline ducked - stalemate. Lockup, side headlock by Angle, grinding it in...Edge manages a waistlock - and a takedown! Angle reverses to a hammerlock. Edge counters the counter and puts down Angle with a bodyslam. Angle runs into a drop toehold. Angle takes a quick breather in the corner while Edge waits in the centre. Edge comes in - kick by Angle, right, right, hmmm Angle went to the closed fists first - right, into the ropes, back elbow. Angle tries to run Edge into the cage, but Edge blocks it. Back elbow for Angle, right, into the ropes, spinning heel kick puts Angle down. And it's *Edge* putting Angle over the top rope and bouncing off the wall of the cage with his back! Edge is poised - SPEAR...misses!! Edge crashes into the wall of the cage and bounces back to the middle. Angle takes control - stomp, stomp, head to the buckle, right, right, right, kick, stomp, standing on the neck. Suplex! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Pinfall or escape - over the top or out the door - or submission to win this match. Angle puts on the front facelock. Wow, that is a *beautiful* shot from the crane, by the way. Edge back to his feet...gutshot, right, breaks the hold, into the ropes, Angle ducks, off the ropes again and Edge catches Angle in a BIG belly-to-belly overhead suplex! Edge decides this might be a good time to try to climb the cage - Angle up from behind but Edge kicks him away...but then turns round to leap from the top turnbuckle with a big clothesline! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Angle kicks out! Angle runs behind to grab the waistlock - German suplex - make it two - make it THREE before Angle unclasps his hands. Hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Angle goes for the door (FINALLY some smarts!) but it's a little too difficult to open from inside and there's no ref on the outside in this match - Edge crawls over and grabs his ankle - Edge turns round - stomp, stomp, stomp. Picks him up - and rams his head into the cage!! Edge is taken to ANOTHER cage wall! Angle goes for a THIRD wall and Edge hits again. Angle feeds the crowd as we take a replay - Angle right, right, right, right, mount, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, I may have missed one or two there. Sure enough, Edge has tapped a gushah. Angle pulls back on Edge's hair to gives us the Blood from a Stone homage and it does look impressive. Another straight right hand puts Edge on the mat. But still Edge manages a double leg - and a WOW catapult into the cage! Edge-omatic! 1, 2, NO! Edge pulls himself up by the ropes - the blood's very impressive looking at this stage. Angle is up as well - Edge with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, into the ropes, back body drop, clothesline, ducks Angle's clothesline and hits the half nelson faceplant - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO!! Angle grabbed the bottom rope. Both men up very slowly - Angle puts Edge into the ropes - Edge tries a crossbody but Angle ducks - but Hebner does not! The ref is out - Angle grabs the waistlock and hits ANOTHER German suplex. We get a good shot of part of Angle's dome as his weave has definitely shifted away from the headgear. Angle decides to climb the corner this time - Edge over just in the nick of time - shot from behind - climbing up AFTER him - shot in the back - another forearm - and HOLY SHIT! Let's check the replay - Edge with a top rope backdrop SUPERplex, but Angle did a full flip on his way down. WOW. Edge again makes the slow climb up the ropes - second floor - top rope - trying to boost himself onto the support structure - no, Angle is up...ohhhh an uppernut - that'll stop you in your tracks for sure. Right, right, right, right, right right right - OHHHHH SUPER OLYMPIC SLAM!!!!! All three men are down - no, Angle is up! Angle staggers to the corner and climbs the cage one more time - he's to the top and Edge hasn't budged from the mat this time. Angle is over - Angle is down to the floor! Your winner is Kurt Angle! YOU KNOW WHO is out...ramming Angle into the cage wall - again - taking him up the ramp for a THIRD trip into the wall of the cage! Hogan opens the door...and puts Angle back in! "Hulk Hogan is screwing Kurt Angle!" Well, Hebner's been down four minutes and counting - and without him noticing Kurt on the floor - this match isn't over! Unfortunately, we're gonna have to take an ad break here - but I'm willing to take a flyer that we won't get a decision until we come right back...

Lita shills Stacker 2 - again

When we DO come back, everybody's back up - Edge with a gutshot, wants the Edgecution but Angle reverses - gutshot - OLYMPIC SLAM AGAIN!! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO!! DURING THE BREAK! Edge ducked a clothesline, hit the SPEAR off the ropes - but only got 2! That each man has kicked out of a finisher says just as much for the resiliency of the wrestlers involved but also for the fatigue, as neither man can hold the cover and keep his opponent down for three even AFTER the damage of a finishing move. But it's Angle in command at the moment, waiting for Edge to get up - he went for Edge's move, but Edge steps aside and Angle spears the turnbuckle! And it's EDGE with an Olympic Slam on Angle!! Edge hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO!!! Edge can barely get to his feet - and can't, as Angle grabs an ankle and puts on the Anglelock! Edge reaches for the ropes - can't reach it - drops down and rolls, muscling Angle into the wall of the cage. And EDGE puts on an anklelock!! Angle screams in pain, but HE manages to roll to his back and kick Edge away, breaking the hold!! Edge nears the door but Angle knocks him down with an axehandle. As Edge falls, his leg tangles between the ropes! Angle takes advantage - stomp, stomp, stomp - stomp, tries to go through the door but Edge grabs his ankle. angle back to him - stomp, stomp, stomp - Angle lets up, seeing Edge still unable to get out of the ropes - flips him off and waves goodbye...he's going to climb up and over. As Edge gets to the top, Edge FINALLY untangles himself from the ropes...is it too late? Edge climbs up after him - Edge standing on the top rope and Angle standing on the door - Edge rams Angle's head into the top - Angle ends up straddling the door! (X-Pac/Jericho anyone?) Edge *grabs the hair* and pulls Angle back over the top - and shoves him back into the ring! Edge stands on the top buckle, waiting for the chance - Angle tries to catch him by surprise, but before he can leap up the buckles, Edge comes off with a big, big SPEAR! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3!!!!!!!!!!! EDGE GETS THE PIN!!! (11:02 + 3:35) We take a replay of Angle out on the floor (quickly we're reminded that Angle should have won this match), Hogan running him into the cage, that final spear, and coming back live (to tape), Hogan is in the cage - ramming Angle into a cage wall - into the opposite wall - back to the first wall - Hogan makes the international "I'm gonna pull off his weave!" sign, but Angle rakes the face and makes a quick dash under the bottom rope and out the door (too bad he couldn't do that during the match!). Perhaps, then, Angle has the last laugh - we still haven't seen his bald head yet. Jimi Hendrix plays - even as Hogan raises *Edge's* hand. Credits are up...

I must say, I sure enjoy a show completely lacking in segments solely consisting of people yammering in the ring for ten to twenty minutes. Oh! So THAT'S what it was!

...Tough Enough 2 is NOW!


CRZ is just sitting in until I come up with a master plan for keeping SD recapped on a regular basis.

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RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
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RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
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RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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