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Say Hello to the New Guy...
Oh, wait... You Already Know Him?
February 14, 2003

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


*In the Darkened Online Onslaught arena*

"Now approaching the ring: Weighing in at 6' 1", 260 lbs, Big Danny T!"

Good day, folks. For those of you wondering who I am, I go by the handle of Shastar on the message boards. Last Friday Rick U2U messaged me and offered the Smackdown! recapping spot recently vacated by The Cubs Fan. I thought about it for about 24 hours, got the opinions of a few friends, and accepted.

A little about me: I'm from all over, but currently call the Tidewater area of Virginia my home. I'm a big Anime fan (As soon as I finish and submit this recap, I'm off to a convention in DC called Katsucon * plug plug *), am a huge Chicago Cubs fan, Hate the Dallas Cowboys, and am developing an interest in Hockey. I served honorably in the U.S. Marine Corps for 8 years. I have a sometimes inappropriate sense of humor, and am a mark of the highest order. I am honored That Rick has given me this chance to be officially recognized on this site, as I feel it is one of the best wrestling sites on the internet, and will do my best to not let anyone down.

So, without any further ado, it's UPN Thursday night and time for SMACKDOWN!

Has John Cena placed a roadblock on Brock Lesnar’s road to Wrestlemania? Find out next.

WWE leader, and we jump right into The Beautiful People. Pyro, and we are taped from the Centennial Gardens on the mean streets of Bakersfield, California!

Oh goody, a special Valentines Day Bra and Panties Match up later tonight between Torrie and Dawn Marie.

Epileptic seizure inducing entrance only means one thing, and that's Edge! And there is Yet ANOTHER giant box next to the entrance ramp, wrapped in a bow and addressed to the Undertaker. Edge's opponent is Charlie Haas (w/ Paul Heyman). Lockup, and Charlie forces Edge into the corner, broken up, Haas with the fireman’s carry takeover. A couple Shoulder blocks by Haas are answered with some Edge hip tossing, ending up with Edge forcing Charlie down with an arm bar. Charlie works his way back up, and dominates Edge for a minute, but that's interrupted by an Edge spinning Heel Kick. Edge almost spears the ref in the corner, and Haas takes advantage by laying Edge out and getting 2 on the cover. Charlie taking Edge apart, gets a Northern Lights suplex into a pin, gets 2. Surfboard slapped on, But Edge feels the power of the crowd and can't be held down! Knee to the gut, and goes to try something, but gets yanked down by the hair to stop that noise. Haas goes for the Belly to back, but Edge lands on his feet and answers with one of his own. Both men down. Edge hits an Enziguri. Clothesline, clothesline, back body drop, Edgeomatic, Cover gets two. Edge goes for DDT, but Charlie rolls through and gets a rollup for two. Edge cover gets two. Edge back up and face plants Charlie. Sets up for the spear, but Heyman up to distract. Edge goes for him, and Charlie tries to rush, but Edge moves. Charlie stops just before taking Paul out, tho. Edge goes for the spear again; Charlie moves and lets Heyman take one for the team. Charlie grabs Edge for a rollup and that's it, play Angles music!

Cole and Tazz are stoked. Wanna know why? I'm gonna tell you anyway. Nathan Jones has been signed by Smackdown! And next week, we'll have an exclusive interview with the Colossus of Boggo Road! Yeah, I’m excited too.

We're back to Smackdown and Angle feels the LOOOOOOOOVE. Steph barges in, and Kurt is sooo hitting on her, offering a rose and everything. Damn, what a smoothie! Lesnar barges in and interrupts true love's bloom. Turns out Steph wasn't there for the lovin', and wanted to inform Kurt of the 6-man tag match at NWO. Lesnar talks some trash, and heads out. Angle pouts and takes his rose back.

Rikishi is out (w/ a recap of Nunzio's threat from last week.) Nunzio is already in the ring getting his Fonzie on. He tries for a tope, but is easily caught by Rikishi. But before Rikishi can do much of anything, he is pearl harbored by Johnny The Bull and Chuck Palumbo. Looks like we have Mamelukes 2003. Nunzio gives Rikishi the Kiss of Death Drawing massive "EWWWW'S" from the crowd (and me), and they leave Rikishi lying.

Man, the streaker guy interrupts the game every week. You think they would have hired Carl Lewis by now to catch him or something.

Oh goody, On Deadly Ground is the UPN movie of the night this Friday. And people wonder why their ratings are in the toilet.

Cole and Tazz go nuts over the prospect of Rock/Hogan II, and Rey Mysterio pops up to kick it up a notch. Looks like he is the warm-up match for Matt Hardy on his way to the Cruiserweight Championship. (Tonight's Matt facts: Matt always gets more valentines than his brother, and Matt never gives flowers, only Chocolate)

Matt powers Rey across the ring, then shows off with some jumping jacks. The observation is made that Matt is wearing a rubber (sauna) suit. Rey comes back with a bulldog into a headlock. Rey tries to fly around a bit, but Matt takes him down with a punch. Rey back with a leg scissors, and throwing Matt into the ropes. 619 misses, and Rey goes after Matt, but he blindsides Rey and leaves him lying. Shannon hauls him up to the ring. Matt gets a quick towel off by Shannon and stumbles around a bit, apparently woozy from dehydration. Staying on Rey, tho, gut wrench suplex, Belly to back, then a surfboard. Rey fights out, but gets put back down with a few clubbing blows to the back. Matt puts Rey up into the torture rack, but Rey counters with a DDT. Both men down, Rey with the rights, Matt gets him into the corner, but Rey dodges the charge, posting Matt. Rey hits the springboard moonsault. Cover gets 2. Matt gets a side effect, gets 2. They fuck up a leapfrog, and Rey tries for a leg scissors, but Matt catches him, so Rey slings himself around, throwing Matt into the ropes. One 6-1-9 and West Coast pop later, and Matt is all done. After the Match, Matt confesses that his rapid weight loss was to blame, that he was a bit dehydrated (Tazz offers him water, which he takes eagerly), but he'll be 100% for his match against Billy Kidman to take the Cruiserweight title.

Backstage, Benoit does pushups to pump himself up for his match against a large hairy stomach! Oh wait, that's A-train, and their match is NEXT!

We're back and we get a video package of Brian Kendrick’s shenanigans from the past couple weeks, complete with Keystone Kops soundtrack.

Back live, and Sean O'Hare was impressed with Brian's antics last week. Brian whines that he got into trouble, but is interrupted by Bill DeMott. Bill shows him how to make an impact by throwing him into a set of lockers (Get it?). Sean stops Bill, and they trade evil grins. "I'm not telling you anything you don't already know" was a nice catchphrase for the hyping segments, but in actual, live arena use, it seems forced and way out of place. Drop the catchphrase and get something new.

Out to the ring, Benoit and A-Train are ready to go at it. Lockup, A-Train forces Benoit into the corner and talks trash. Benoit works A-Train around, and goes for the Knife Edge chops, which A-Train no sells. A-Train manhandling Benoit, but Benoit gets a Crossface out of nowhere, but A-Train gets the ropes. Benoit tries to keep the intensity on, but A-Train has been taking night courses at the Undertaker school of no-selling and commences to treat Benoit like a jobber. Throwing him around a bit, A-Train slaps him a few times, and then gets him into an inverted full nelson, then slamming him down in it. A-Train hits a second turnbuckle belly flop, and gets 2. A-Train gets Benoit into the Torture rack (What, is it Luger Remembrance night tonight?) Benoit slips out and gets a rollup. A-Train kicks out and beats him down. Benoit into the corner, but the charge misses and Benoit hits the German Hat Trick! Benoit up, and time for the Flying head butt, but it misses! A-Train back up, Bicycle kick, and the 'sure thing' pin only gets 2. A-Train goes for the Baldo Bomb, but Benoit reverses into a crossface IN MID AIR! A-Train trying for the ropes, but he can't make it, and Pittsburgh submits to Canada!

Backstage, and Joe Francis (Who?) from Girls Gone Wild (Ahhh!) is knocking on the Women's Locker room. Torrie Wilson answers, and he shills the GGW spring break special, which Torrie says she'd love to be at, and can get pretty wild herself while suggestively sucking on a lollipop. By the way, the lollipop is the best actor in this whole segment.

The funniest thing about those On Deadly Ground commercials: they tout Billy Bob Thornton as a marquee actor in the movie, when all he does is get his ass kicked in a bar by Steven Segal.

We're back, and the crane is hoisting the Valentines box into the ring. To buy time, they rehash the incidents of 4 months ago, where Big Show threw ‘Taker off the stage.

Back to the present day, and Heyman is aghast that Undertaker has blown off all of Big Show's attempts to apologize. Heyman promises some culture, tonight, but doesn't get any farther than that before 'Taker is out on his bike. ‘Taker into the ring to pose, and once again, he's wary of the contents of the crate. He opens the door.......

And it's Kanyon singing "Do you really want to hurt me?" dressed up like Boy George. A really, REALLY ugly Boy George.  He breaks in the middle of the chorus to attack Undertaker, and actually gets a few seconds of offense in before getting grabbed and thrown out of the ring. Standard beat down follows, ending with Two chair shots to the back and a SICK shot to the head. Play ‘Takers music, and backstage, Shannon is egging a determined Matt Hardy on a lifecycle to lose those last two pounds!

Meanwhile, Funaki catches up to John Cena and says that he speaks John's language, going so far as to put a sideways ball cap on and call him “Dog”. Cena makes a stereotyping rap about Funaki's AZN-ness, Says the only dog Funaki knows is what they put in fried rice, and snatches the cap off his head. Funaki is left perplexed at Cena's use of 'Fried rice'.

The Stacker 2 burn of the night is the stealing of the Tag titles from last week. Eddie Guerrero is out without Chavo, and he is facing Shelton Benjamin, but we'll have to wait until AFTER the commercial break!

We're back, and the match is already underway, and Shelton has Eddie in a side headlock. Eddie snaps Shelton out of it. Eddie rolls over Shelton, a snap mare, but Shelton jumps back up with a hip toss, and a quick cover gets 2, and he's instantly up with an arm bar. Eddie powers up and gets a suplex, and mat wrestling ends up with Eddie applying the head scissors. Shelton gets out, and hits an electric chair on Eddie, then slaps in a reverse chin lock. Eddie won't stay down, tho, he powers up, a few shots to the midsection, and sling off the ropes hitting a flying elbow. Cover gets 2. Off the ropes again, but Shelton hits A HUGE back body drop. Shelton manhandles Eddie into the corner, and charges in, but Eddie gets the waist lock and hits a spinning suplex! Eddie up for a moonsault, but Shelton up to try knocking him down, but Eddie knocks him off. Eddie back up for a frogsplash, but sees Haas coming, and flying body presses him to the floor. Back up for the Frogsplash, but Shelton moves. Shelton back up, and he hits a reverse Enziguri (He calls it the Dragon Whip), and that's it as Shelton picks up the 1-2-3!

Later Tonight, Valentines Bra and Panties match (no ordinary bra and panties match, a VALENTINES B&P match), and up next, an in Depth look at Rock Vs Hogan.

During the break, we get the commercial for old school, which is interrupted by Chris Nowinski on the Confidential set. He rails against Old School's party hardy atmosphere, Saying that college is a place for learning and personal betterment. He is interrupted by Mean Gene, who puts Chris in his place, and before setting the trailer back rolling, chugs a brewski!

One Marijuana cigarette contains enough cancer producing tar as 4 cigarettes. Boy, good thing most marijuana users don't chain smoke the blunts like tobacco users do, huh? Idiots....

And we are back with a video package of the history of Hogan and Rock. Their match at WM X-8. The Big chant the next night on Raw. They skip Hogan and Rock tag teaming and being buddies for the month or so afterwards and fast forward to Hogan’s hostilities against Vinnie Mac, and Rock's verbal belittling of Hogan over the next couple weeks. After the package, Cole still has chills and goose bumps. You know, Mike, you should probably get that checked out.

But coming up next, Hugh Hefner, replete with smoking jacket, has a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! They don't have a motion graphic of him.... Oh wait, maybe that IS the motion graphic of him......

Commercial for "Before they were stars 2." Whoa, Torrie looked like Wynona Ryder with her hair brunette and short.

We are back, and Hef has a vague announcement that Playboy will feature a WWE Diva on its pages. In case you have been living under a rock that past two weeks, here is a Hint: the Diva in question's name begins with a Torrie, and ends with a Wilson.

Torrie and Dawn-Marie are out for their Bra and Panties match. The ring is bedecked with Teddy Bears and red and pink bows in recognition of National Singles Awareness Day. I'll just skip to the end: they 'fight' for a few minutes, roll around for a while, and Torrie wins by stripping Dawn. Nidia attacks afterwards, but she is no match for Torrie, who strips her down (pink undies), and spanks her to finish up.

Tale of the tape has Brock beating out John Cena in every category but one: Career Highlights. Brock: Youngest WWE champion ever. John: PhD in Thuganomics. Haw!

Back from commercial, and it's time to BRING THE PAIN! Brock is out for his first actual match in.... shoot, since the Rumble, I think. He grabs a steel chair, and sets it up for Angle to watch from Ringside. Cena is out next, rapping and putting down Brock's intelligence and saying something about his mother. John rushes the ring, but it doesn't help, Brock all over Cena to start. Throwing him around, a few kicks, a backbreaker, big belly to belly, Cena out. Kick to the ribs, Gorilla press onto the announce table. Rolled back in the ring, and Cena with the greco-roman eye poke. Some Jobber offense, and Lesnar ends that. Shoulders into Cena's back in the corner, and Cena thrown across and out of the ring. Cena with a Chain, and knocks down Brock while the distracted ref tries to put the turnbuckle pad back on that Brock just tore off. Cover, BUT LESNAR KICKS OUT! Cena up, talking trash, some kicks, Belly to back suplex, and cover gets 2 again! Cena tying Lesnar up with a rear chin lock with the legs wrapped around. Lesnar simply stands up with Cena attached, tries to unseat him by ramming into the corner, but Cena is a leech. Lesnar back up again, and Brock runs the corners with Cena on his back, this time knocking Cena off. Lesnar is still out on his feet, tho, and Cena stays on with a big Clothesline. Brock forced into the corner, but Brock back to start the beating on Cena again. Cena eats exposed turnbuckle, F-5, and that's it. Wow, outside of PPV matches, I think Cena has lasted the longest in the ring with Brock than anyone.

After the match, Brock calls Kurt out. Kurt is backstage and saying no way. Brock doesn't like taking no for an answer, and to goad Kurt into it, He F-5's Cena into the ring post. Angle sees that Brock is trying to punk Angle out, and says, "Nobody punks me out!" and in a huff, heads to the ring. Apparently it's a really long walk from Kurt’s dressing room to the ring, because they break for a commercial.

With 10 minutes left in the show, Angle finally makes it out to the main arena, but he holds up at the entrance ramp. Brock wants Kurt Right Here, Right Now. Kurt talks back, takes off the Medals, and says, “Let's give them Angle vs. Lesnar!" Up in the ring, both guys doing the face to face intense squashing thing. Kurt breaks off, and says, “But not tonight.” Angle begs off with a sinus infection, Lesnar calls Angle chickenshit! Angle says that really, he does! But he does want to give him the match, so he says lets give it to them, Right Here! Next Week! Brock is put off by this, but he says, "You're on!"  Then to make the crowd happy, punks Angle out with a clothesline, then an overhead belly to belly that sends Angle across the ring. Angle bails, but Brock catches up to him and rams him into the ring steps. Overhead Belly to belly on the floor makes my jaw drop, then Brock sets up for the F-5, but Team Angle are out to interrupt. It’s only a minor interruption, as Brock makes short work of Charlie and Shelton. Angle has escaped up the ramp, but Brock stalks him with the championship belt in hand. Angle begging off, and Brock holds the belt above him, then drops it into Angles arms and walks off. We fade out with Angle writhing and hype for the fact that Hogan and Rock will be in the same building next week, and we're outtie!

Some Technical glitches aside (UPN seemed to come back from the commercials about a second too late after every break), this Smackdown! got back that intangible something that was missing last week for me. The women’s fluffery aside, all the matches were anywhere from Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling to pretty damn good. The Brock/Angle buildup is going fantastically, and they did the right thing with Team Angle in their individual matches, with both members going over clean. Even A-Train seemed to be stepping up to the challenge in the ring with Benoit. Pretty damn good show!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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