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Big Slow Achieves the Speed of Crap
October 3, 2003

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


*Jumps up and gives a big Ric Flair “Woo!”*

Hey everyone, it’s great to be back. Isabel knocked my power out for 11 days, and the only access I had to the internet was the occasional E-mail checkage that my all too generous friends would let me have. My abode and everyone I know came out of the ordeal just fine, just some wind damage and spoiled food in various refrigerators. Nonetheless, I took the two weeks off as a vacation of sorts and am ready to get back down to business.

Couple things before recap, tho:

  1. To all the Virginia Dominion Power people and all the electrical workers that came to Virginia from as far away as Florida, Texas, and Quebec: Thank you. Your tireless efforts made what could have been a month of being at the mercy of the elements into less than two weeks. To all of you, I salute you  * Raises glass *  Oh wait, I’m not supposed to drink alcohol while on Stacker 2…
  2. Many of you don’t really know me as a big Sports fan, and admittedly, I’ve really started slacking off in the past few years, only watching a handful of games and being more of a playoffs fan than anything. However, when I saw that my beloved Cubs (of which I’ve been a fan since my family first got cable TV back in 1980 and I saw my first game on WGN SuperStation) were actually doing, you know, GOOD, I had to tune in again. My renewed interest has paid off, I am so stoked that they are in the playoffs now. Sure, they had the worst record of any of the playoff teams and they are playing against the Pustules… I mean Braves, but when Kerry Wood drove in the winning run on Tuesday, the faint hope that every Cubs fan keeps alive that maybe this year, against all odds, this will be the year, became a bright glowing ember. Sure they lost last night, but they are heading home, and you can sure-as-shit bet that the fans at Wrigley will be blowing the nonexistent roof off the place and making life very hard for the Braves. My dream series this year? BoSox vs. Cubs. It would be so sweet to see two teams that have been so unlucky for so long (Boston with their curse, Chicago with 60 years of woulda, coulda, shoulda) battle it out for the crown. I, of course, will be pulling for the Cubbies, knowing that no matter what; Harry is smiling down on all the fans from heaven above.

Anyway, Enough sentimentality from me, on with the recappin'!

5 Minutes out Bumper: This party is just getting started! * Images of Lesnar and Undertaker tussling, Vince involved *

WWE Leader, Intro (hey, does Sean O’Hare look passingly like Brian Pillman to anyone else in that?), Pyro, and we are at the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, WI. We got a BIG Tag Team match for the main event, but right now, it’s time for Viva la Rasa!

Eddie Guererro (W/ Low-rider and Chavo) is defending the title against Matt Hardy (W/ Shannon Moore and Matt Facts: Matt has had 4 speeding tickets (HA! I’ve had 15!) and Matt has gotten out of over 20 tickets (Ok, he’s got me beat there.)

Matt talks trash to start, and Eddie sneak attacks while Matt poses to the crowd. Eddie starts right up with the EL PASO VIOLENCE, then delivers a sweet dropkick. Matt fights his way up, going after the ribs, but Eddie takes control again with a shoulderblock and a back suplex. Eddie goes for the slingshot senton, but is interrupted by Shannon. As Chavo runs to help, Matt gets up and hangs Eddie by the midsection on the top rope. Matt working Eddie over, Cover, only getting 2. Eddie fighting back up, but Matt with a shot to the gut. Powerbomb! Cover, Eddie JUST kicks out. Side Effect, Cover, 1-2-NO! Matt slapping on the surfboard. “Eddie!” chant in effect. Eddie up; he spins Matt around into a swinging neckbreaker. Matt putting Eddie down with an elbow, cover, only gets two. Matt with a powerslam, Cover only gets 2. Covers again, only 2. Matt going for an Elbow drop, Eddie moves. Eddie back up, and it’s time for the Hat trick Verticals! Eddie up, and calling for the Frogsplash. Eddie up top, But Matt interrupts with the soothing power of… THE SUPERPLEX! But Matt can't cover, and the count it on. Matt is up first, Eddie reverses a whip into the corner, but eats boot. Matt with the Yodel, but he’s interrupted by an Eddie Hurricanrana. Cover only gets 2. Matt back up, and going for another Side effect, but it’s reversed into an arm drag, but cover only gets two. Shannon and Chavo both jump up on the apron and the Ref goes after Chavo. Shannon tries to attack with the US title, but eats a Dropkick instead. Eddie picks up the title and tosses it to Matt and cries out in terror. The ref turns around and snatches the belt from Matt. While the belt is being disposed of, Matt turns around into a Chavo belt shot. Eddie stands up, gives us a sly grin, and it’s time to get Froggy! Eddie up, Flying, it hits, and it’s 1-2-3 and Eddie retains! Los Guererros celebrate and with the promise of later in the show action, we got o commercials.

Back, and we get a bunch of fans going nuts over getting their little pieces of paper saying they can get in some little event called Wrestlemania XX.

Backstage, Los Guererros are celebrating their win further when they run into Big Show. Eddie asks Big Show what was up with last week; Big Show says that while he is an aficionado of most things Mexican (Burritos, tacos, vatos, etc.) he doesn’t like Eddie. Eddie takes umbrage at this, and Big Show shoves the both of them down. We go to commercial.

Hehe, “WWE stars are Ready to Rumble!” I shouldn’t find that as funny as I do, but I do.

During the break, Chavo got on Eddies case for taking the shove from Big Show. Eddie slams Chavo against the wall and tells him to calm down, that he’ll show Big Show what’s what.

Out in the Arena, the APA are out to take on The Bashams. Bashams charge the ring, and APA is there with the beat down. Farooq takes control of Danny in the ring while Bradshaw disposes of Doug. Blind tag by Doug brings him in and he takes some APA double team offense. Bradshaw covers, but it’s broken up by Danny. Bradshaw with the beat down in the corner. Back suplex, Last Call. Bradshaw after Doug, but Doug grabs him and throws him out. Shaniqua is there with a smack from the Cat-O’-9-tails and Danny posts Bradshaw. Bradshaw rolled back in, and Doug working him over. Tag to Danny and he distracts the ref while Doug chokes Bradshaw out some more. Danny with the rear choke, but Bradshaw fights out and gets a back suplex. Double tag and Farooq goes nuts on everyone. Ref gets bumped somewhere in all this, so Bradshaw comes in to join on the fun. Big Shoulderblock on Danny sends him out. Bradshaw follows, but Shaniqua meets him with a big boot of her own to put him down. Back in the ring, Farooq is set up and the Bashams hit the Ball and Gag for the pin. Afterwards, Bradshaw is in the rings with big boots all around. Shaniqua tries to give Bradshaw some of the same, but Bradshaw catches her and delivers a Clothesline from Heck for her troubles. APA stand tall and we are out for commercials.

Back, and A-Train is out to lend his melodic voice to the commentary team.

Chris Benoit is out to take on a clean-shaven Charlie Haas. Lockup, they fight over who gets thrown into the corner, they break. Haas with a takedown, quick cover, Benoit gets out and gets a hammerlock. Charlie gets out and applies a hammerlock of his own and they tie up with each other. Charlie gets an arm bar, which Benoit reverses into a side headlock. Big Shoulderblock knocks Charlie down and they continue with the mat wrestling. Charlie tries to sneak a cheap shot in, but Benoit rolls him over and gets a surfboard while A-Train says one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever heard, “If Benoit gets behind me, he can ride me.” EWWWWW! Meanwhile, the mat-wrestling has degenerated into brawling and Benoit is tossed out of the ring. Charlie gets a gorilla press into a drop across the knee. Benoit rolled back in and Charlie going for the submission with an arm bar. Benoit gets out, but eats a dropkick. Cover, only gets 2. Benoit hung in the tree of woe, kicks to the midsection, then a running knee. Another running knee, and Charlie works the midsection then slaps on an abdominal stretch. Benoit fights out and tries for a backslide, but Charlie gets out and stops it with a couple knees. Benoit gets a German out of nowhere. Charlie recovers and tries to get the Haas of Pain, but Benoit makes the ropes. Benoit with a knockdown, then dropkicking Haas’ legs out from under him. Sharpshooter! Haas makes the ropes. Benoit trying to come back, but Charlie overpowering him. Benoit gets a Crossface out of nowhere, and A-Train is in to interrupt with an elbow drop. A-Train lays some violence down on Chris, then slaps on a Crossface of his own. The ref finally gets them separated and A-Train stands triumphant.


Back, and Vince is out with Sable on his arm. Into the ring, Vince has a mic and he’s here to offer someone a second chance. The Someone: Stephanie. The Reason: She had the audacity to make Brock vs. Undertaker at No Mercy. Vince Then made the stipulation that if Brock/Undertaker happens, then she and Vince will fight in an “I Quit” match at the PPV. Vince says that She now has the opportunity to take back her offer and resign with dignity. This brings Juggs out and her answer, quite simply, is no. She won’t change the title match, and she has no intentions of quitting. Vince promises that he’ll make Steph scream I Quit at No mercy, and adds on the fact that when she loses, she’ll be quitting as GM as well. Vince is sorry that he has to do this match, but he can’t have his daughter defying him, so it has to happen. Vince reminisces about bringing Steph up from a baby, and then laments that now he has to crush Daddy’s little girl. He promises again that he will strike down the face of defiance. You know, I think Vince and Steph just need to hug, cry, and let it all out.

Sable grabs the mic and riles Vince up again, reminding him that he called Steph a bitch last week. Steph responds by telling Sable to go back and ho herself out some more for the boys in the back. Sable with the slap OF DOOM. Steph decides not to turn the other cheek and tackles her. Vince breaks up the catfight by grabbing Steph’s hair. Scoop, and Vince hits a body slam. Vince looking to visit more violence upon Steph’s person, but Undertaker is out to make the save. Big right hand lays Vince out, and ‘Taker is in the mood for some Chokeslam, but Lesnar is running in. ‘Taker sees him coming and has a big boot for him as well and heels go running. ‘Taker picks Steph up and they stand triumphant.


Backstage, Big Show is lacing up when a Mexican delivery person shows up with a sack full of Burritos for Eddie. Big Show snatches them, and starts chowing down. He then proceeds to lick one and spit in it, and tells the delivery guy to deliver that one to Eddie. Delivery guy takes off and Big Show returns to his burrito feast.

Out in the arena, Cruiserweight Champion Tajiri is out to take on Billy Kidman. Ref checks Tajiri for mist beforehand. They circle, lock up, and Billy gets a quick rollup for two. Head scissors for Tajiri sending him out and Billy follows with a flying press. Tajiri back in, and Billy looks to follow, but a kick puts him down. Billy sent into the barricade and Tajiri is in control. Tajiri with an arm bar, then slamming Billy to the mat. Tajiri works the shoulder and gets a hammerlock. Billy fights back up, but Tajiri take him out with a couple sharp kicks to the shoulder. Tajiri works the crowd for a second, then ties Billy’s shoulder up into the ropes and kicks it again. Tajiri takes Billy down with another hammerlock. Kidman sent to the corner, but Tajiri eats boot. Tajiri with the handspring elbow, Billy ducks tho. Billy with the Enziguri, Cover, gets 2. Billy charges Tajiri and gets tossed onto the 2d rope, but gets kicks on the way back down. They fly around for a bit, with Billy ending it with a BK Bomb, but Tajiri kicks out. Tarantula applied, and Tajiri looking to brawl a bit, but Billy gets a standing drop kick. Cover only gets 2. Kidman picking Tajiri up, but with the ref distracted, Tajiri gets a low blow. A quick bow and Tajiri gets the death kick. Cover, 1-2-3 and Tajiri retains.


Hey, in case you hadn’t heard, The Rock starred in a movie over the weekend. Here’s some behind the scenes footage. The Rock only let his stunt double do two stunts, the rest he did himself.

Back, and Tazz punches Cole Like Rock did Sean William Scott in the movie, and The Big Show is out to take on Orlando Jordan. Big Show is looking kind of uneasy, holding his stomach and giving us his best “CAPTAIN! IT’S TIME TO DUMP THE WARP CORE!” look. Hey, you don’t think those burrito’s were… tainted or anything, do you? Orlando goes in, but gets repeatedly knocked down. Eventually, Big Show can’t hold it anymore, and gets out of the ring. He ponders whether he should finish the match or crap in his pants, and decides that he should make for the nearest crapper. The ref counts him out and raises Orlando’s hand. Orlando gets an, “Oh well, at least it’s a win” look on his face and Tazz and Cole laugh over Big Show’s predicament.

Back from commercials, and Tazz and Cole are fawning over the latest WWE magazine with Zack Gowan on the cover. This seamlessly segues into a Live Via Satellite segment with Zack. Zack says he’s definitely doing better than Big Show right now. He’s been rehabbing, and next week, he makes his triumphant return to the ring. See ya next week!

Backstage, Big Show is evacuating what sounds like enough to clog up a New York sewer. Eddie appears and tells Show that this is his revenge, that the delivery guy was his cousin, and that he put a ‘special recipe’ secret sauce in the burrito’s just for him. Eddie took the toilet paper out of the stalls an hour ago, but has something for Big Show to wipe his ass with and kicks open the door. Big Show looks like he’s ready to kick ass, but then round two with Montezuma has just started and he ducks back down again.

Out in the ring, John Cena is out, letting us know that it’s his time to shine, that every time you see him it should be a PPV, and then something about making out with a transvestite. He equates his momentum with Big Shows diarrhea and tonight’s “Sing along with John” word is “Shit!” John impresses us all so much that we have to go to commercial.

Back, and John is joined in the ring by Brock Lesnar, complete with ringpost pyro.

“Dead Man Walking,” and Undertaker is out with motorbike in full effect. ‘Taker chases Cena and Brock out as Kurt Angle is out. Angle and Cena start. Lockup and Angle works Cena into the corner. Lockup, Kurt switches around and gets a snapmare, Runs the ropes, and gets a fireman’s carry takeover into an armbar. Cena working his way up, kick to the midsection, and Cena pounding on Kurt. Cena’s momentum is stopped by a big clothesline from Kurt. Tag to ‘Taker and Cena getting pounded down now. ‘Taker with a stiff-arm lift on Cena, talks a bit of trash to Brock, and it’s time for Old School. ‘Taker knocks Brock off the apron for good measure, and tags Kurt back in. Cena gets some minor offense in, but Kurt comes back. Brock low-bridges Kurt and he tumbles out of the ring. Brock with a cheap shot, and ‘Taker gives chase to Brock as we go to commercial.

Back from Commercials and Angle is taking Brock to town, but Brock gets a back body drop to take back over. Quick slam, cover, Angle kicks out. Brock with the shoulders in the corner, then bealing Kurt across the ring. Kicks to the head, Tag to Cena, and Cena kicks the hamstring. Cena with a double axe handle, and cover is broken up by Undertaker. Cena locks in a barbwire double arm lock. Kurt fights out, but gets a knee to the gut. Cena covers, only gets 2. Tag to Lesnar, who lays in with the boots. Gorilla press slam, and Brock continues with the pounding. Brock going for another Gorilla press, but Kurt wiggles out and hits a quick German suplex. Both men crawling for the tag. Brock grabs Kurt’s leg as the ref is distracted with Cena. Tag to Taker, but the Ref didn’t see it. Brock gets a fake tag to Cena and Cena lays in with the shoulders in the corner and boots. Kurt grabs an ankle lock which Brock breaks up. Fake tag to Brock again, and Brock gets a delayed fisherman’s suplex into a Samoan drop. Cover, but Kurt kicks out. Brock picking Kurt up to slam him again, but Kurt surprises him with an angle slam. Kurt crawls to the corner, Brock does the same, double tag, and Taker is a Ball o’ Far! Clotheslines for both men, Brock clotheslined out of the ring, Chokeslam for Cena, cover, but it’s broken up by Brock. Brock pounding on Undertaker but it’s interrupted by a ‘Taker big boot. Tag to Angle, and Angle has clotheslines for everyone. Hat trick Germans for Cena, who, while writhing in pain in his corner, grabs the chain. Angle sets Cena up for the ankle lock. Brock interrupts and ‘Taker in to brawl with Brock. As the ref is distracted by the two big men, Cena gets a blow to Angle’s dome with the chain. ‘Taker and Brock brawl outside, with Brock getting the better of ‘Taker as Cena covers for the 1-2-3. Cena bails as Brock looks to put ‘Taker through the announce table. ‘Taker recovers just in time to snap out of it and hit a chokeslam on Brock to finish us off as we fade to the WWE logo and reruns of “Martin”

Well, if I could have picked any week to come back to wrestling, this one did the job nicely. Great show tonight, once again showcasing Smackdown’s talent for giving us good entertainment and better action. The stuff with Eddie and Big Show, while a bit much, was humorous. The main event rocked, as did the opening US title match and the Cruiserweight match. Everything else was perfectly acceptable wrestling. As usual, tho, could have lived without the latest chapter of the McMahon family saga, but oh well, you take the good with the bad, I suppose. Looking forward to No Mercy, and just in case I didn’t’ get the point across at the top, it’s good to be back.

See ya next week!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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