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Well, It Couldn't Possibly Get Any Worse
October 17, 2003

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


* Big sigh *

I knew it was too good to be true. My Cubbies, who gave fans all across the nation hope that they could make it, didn’t. Let’s face it, in the last two games, they faced a better team in the Florida Marlins. And no, I am not going to lay any blame on Steven Bartman. His actual influence on the game was fleeting at best. I sat and watched the play with my own two eyes: Moises Alou had maybe a 50% chance of actually catching the ball and there were 10 fans all around him reaching for it as well. Any one of you sitting out there would have done the same thing that Steve did, so for all of you calling for Steve’s head, take a few minutes and kindly get over yourselves. If you wish to lay blame on anyone, lay it on the Cubs themselves for allowing the incident to cause them to lose their focus and allow 8 runs (6 of those before the second out of the inning was even recorded.) Lay it on Dusty Baker for not pulling Mark Prior in the 5th inning of Game 7 when his tank was obviously empty. Lay it on the Marlins for playing a pair of outstanding ball games. Don’t lay it on a guy that all he wanted to do was be a fan and have something to remember the game by.

The preceding was a statement from a 23-year long Cub fan.

We’ll get em’ next year, just you wait.

In other news, your humble recapper, in an attempt to supplement his taking of Stacker 2, yesterday afternoon went running for about 2 miles for the first time in as many years.

Oh man, did that hurt.

Add to that the fact that I work at the Target Warehouse and I spent all day loading trucks, and Dan is one sore puppy. And just to show what a masochist I really am, I intend to go running again either tomorrow or Saturday, depending on how exhausted I am tomorrow. Maybe some day, I’ll become the second OO columnist to become a pro wrestler. Someday…

Oop, Judge Joe Brown is almost over, so that only means one thing: It’s time for Wrasslin’! Let’s hope to god it’s better than last week.

5 Minute out Bumper: Uh oh, this doesn’t bode well: it’s the same bumper from LAST week.

WWE leader, and we do directly to earlier today. Stephanie thinks it’s petty that her father has banned her from Smackdown tonight. Ok, this gives the show an extra .2 ratings point from me! Steph just wants to thank the fans for everything, and we go into the opening, Pyro, and we are LIVE! (Taped) from Cincinnati, Ohio and later tonight, we will have a * insert adjective here * interview with Steph later on.

John Cena is out to lead us off. Man, he’s gained some weight in the past week. Oh wait, that’s Kurt Angle, dressed like the master of Thuganomics. Kurt wants us to “lissen up, yo!” Kurt steals a few lines from John’s scriptwriter and takes off his schtick, and calls “Kurt Angle” out. A midget responds, complete with Kurt’s gold medals and his pyro. The midget gets in Kurt’s ‘face,’ Kurt begs off and makes a joke about the midget not being half the man Cena is. Angle-Cito snatches the mic and calls ‘Cena’ a wiener (and the little guy has got some pretty good mic skills, too.) Kurt tries to step up, and Angle-Cito chases him off, and leads the crowd in a Cena/Weena chant. ‘Cena’ gets back in the ring and tries to clothesline the midget down but misses (the midget was too short, get it?) Angle-Cito proceeds to slap on an ankle lock, which ‘Cena’ proceeds to tap to instantly. The real John Cena’s music hits and he makes his way to the ring. Cena is in Kurt’s face, but he makes the colossal mistake of turning his back on Angle-Cito, who proceeds to give Kurt a low blow and Kurt finishes up by beating Cena down. After sending Cena running, Angle and Angle-Cito pose in the ring, sending us to commercials.

Back, and Chris Benoit is out to take on Doug Basham (W/ Danny and review of the Bashams goings on with the APA over the last few weeks.)

Lock up, Benoit wrestles Doug down and goes for a quick crossface, Doug makes the ropes. Doug back up with some offense, but Chris proceeds to go nuts on him, releasing 4 weeks of pent up anger at being shunted further and further down the midcard, ending up with Doug being thrown out onto Danny. Benoit tries to follow with a tope, but the Bashams get out of the way and Chris lands hard. Back in the ring, and Doug takes over, focusing on Benoits neck. Doug gets a snap mare and holds onto the head vice. Benoit fights back out, but a charge is reversed and Benoit eats turnbuckle. Doug up top, going for the big leg drop, but nobody is home. Both men back up, and Benoit is there with some knockdowns, and a German Suplex. Signaling for the headbutt. Danny tries to interfere while sliding a chair in behind the refs face. Doug grabs the chair, but Benoit thinks he’s RVD tonight and dropkicks it back into his face. Benoit then grabs the chair and chases after Danny, but the ref stops him. While the ref is distracted, Danny runs in and rolls Doug out of the ring and fakes like he’s Doug. Benoit goes for the Headbutt, but of course Danny moves and goes for the quick pin. Benoit kicks out after 2 tho! Danny can’t believe it, and the Ref goes, “Hey, wait a minute!” when he sees Danny’s face. Benoit grabs Danny and gives him the hat trick Germans. Danny out, Doug in, Crossface applied, tap-out perfunctory. After the match, A-Train runs in to apply the beatdown so that people still think he has the advantage going into Sundays PPV.

Up Next, Stephanie cries.

Back from commercial, Michael Cole has cornered Stephanie in her office and she reiterates that she just wants to say thank you to the fans. They go over the match on Sunday, and Cole asks the “Fucking DUH!” question of the year: is the McMahon family normal? Steph goes on about how she loves the business, and dances around the question of whether the wrestling world would be better off without Vince. She goes on about Linda, her childhood, and her work ethic. When Cole asks her if she’s like her dad, this is when the waterworks start. When the question of if Steph ever thought it would come to this, she gives us the John Malkovich on SNL pause before talking through a crying fit about how she never really imagined that Vince would put his hands on her. You know, Steph, if you are going to fake like you are crying, you could at least work up some real tears. She says that she still loves her father, but if he thinks he’s going to be any way involved with her life from here on out, that he’s dead wrong. He won’t be walking her down the aisle at her next wedding; he won’t see his grandchildren, nothing. Soon, the emotion becomes too much (about 5 minutes after the interview itself became too much) and Steph ends it by walking out.

Back to the present, and Tazz and Cole discuss the ramifications of Stephanie being fired, and we go backstage where Nidia and Jamie Knoble discuss it as well, with Tajiri listening on in the background. When they say that Smackdown would be better off without Vince, Tajiri discreetly makes his exit and finds Vince in the hallway. He rats Nidia and Jamie out, and Vince makes Jamie vs. Tajiri up next, and tells Tajiri he’s going to do something he’s never done before. Tajiri likes this news and heads off as we go to commercial.

We’re back, and Cole calls Tajiri the stooge and cruiserweight kiss-ass as he makes his way to the ring for the non-title match. Jamie Knoble (W/ Nidia is out next.) They circle, trade wristlocks, and Jamie starts working Tajiri’s shoulder. Tajiri gets a headlock, followed by a shoulderblock. Tajiri tries to charge, but Jamie has a kick in the gut for him. Jamie with a waistlock, but Tajiri fires back with some elbows, followed up by a kick to the head. Tajiri Kicks on Jamie’s knee for a sec, puts him up on the top turnbuckle, and then hits a dragon screw leg whip off the top. Tajiri works the knee, and goes for a powerbomb, but Jamie reverses into a victory roll, but Tajiri kicks out after 2. Jamie continues the assault. Tajiri goes for a springboard moonsault, but a meeting of the minds puts both men down. Tajiri gives the bad knee a vicious kick. Tajiri closes in, but Jamie brawls him down, eventually sending them both out of the ring. As the ref counts, Jamie tries to get back in the ring, but Tajiri goes for the belt. Nidia stops him, but gets a face full of concentrated BLACK mist for her troubles. Jamie is out to check on Nidia and the trainers are out to help out. Tajiri simply stands in the ring and grins as we go to commercial.

Backstage, and Jamie and the trainers are trying to subdue a frantic Nidia. Jamie leaves her in the hands of the trainers and heads off.

Moments ago, Nidia got a face full of bad stuff.

Out in the ring, Jamie is out and he has a mic and he’s calling Tajiri out. When Tajiri doesn’t show, Jamie promises that he’s going to hunt Tajiri down. As Jamie stalks back up the ramp, Brock Lesnar meets him at the top and beats him down. Ringpost F-5, F-5 on the UNVFORGIVING CONCRETE FLOOR, and bring Vince out with Sable on his arm. Vince shakes hands with Brock, and takes a mic in the ring. He says that Steph’s performance is Oscar™ worthy; that it’s true that she hates him, and doesn’t know what love is about. Vince promises that he will hurt her badly. He calls the crowd lazy, relying on the lottery for their millionaire dreams, while he worked hard for his money. He shudders to think about what will happen to Steph when he lays his hands on her. He invokes that god should have mercy on her soul, because Vince won’t. Sable spoils the mood by grabbing the mic and talking. She says that she’s proud to stand by Vince during the match Sunday, and proceeds to basically tell us that she’s replacing Linda as Vince’s new fuck toy. Cole says, “Give me a break,” and an entire nation agrees.

This past weekend, the Smackdown Crew went to Europe.

Viva la Rasa! Eddie Guererro is out for a non-title match-up in a swank Yellow and purple flamed low-rider truck (W/ footage of Big Show getting doused last week)

Eddie’s opponent is Rhyno. Eddie yells to the crowd to start, and they lock up, with Rhyno overpowering Eddie. Eddie gets a side headlock, a shoulderblock, but runs right into a hiptoss from Rhyno. They square off again, and Eddie soaks up a quick “Eddie!” chant, and they go for a test of strength. Rhyno easily works Eddie down, delivering kicks to the gut every time Eddie tries to fight back up. Eddie gets a kick to the gut of his own, and then slams Rhyno's knuckles to the mat to break it up. Eddie with some offense, but Rhyno gets a hotshot in the corner and returns to working Eddie’s neck over. Spinebuster, and cover only gets 2. Gorilla press into a gutbuster. Cover gets 2 as Eddie grabs the rope. Rhyno goes for the US title; the Ref stops him and delivers a sweet standing dropkick. Hat trick verticals, and he calls for the frog splash. Eddie flies, but Rhyno gets his knees up. Eddie writhes in pain on the mat and we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, and Rhyno has a sharpshooter applied. Eddie fighting back up, going for the ropes. Rhyno drags him back to the center of the ring. Eddie not giving up, and he is able to overbalance Rhyno and get out of it. Rhyno springs back up and lays in with the kicks and punches in the corner. Eddie comes back with a whip and a clothesline. The criss-cross and Eddie gets a flying back elbow. Slingshot senton on Rhyno’s back and Eddie goes up top. Rhyno meets him up top and gets a superplex. Rhyno sets himself up top, but Eddie fights out and gets a hurricanrana. Cover, only gets two. Both men back up and Eddie tossed to the outside. While Eddie is out, He unties his boot and grabs the ring bell hammer and puts it in his boot. Eddie grabbed and rolled back in the ring. As Rhyno goes for the GOAR!, Eddie dodges and ties the ref up with Rhyno. Eddie rolls out, grabs the hammer, and tosses the hammer to Rhyno and cowers in fear. Referee Nick Patrick sees Rhyno with the hammer, and while he disposes of it, Eddie has the title belt and clocks Rhyno with it. Eddie Covers, Ref turns around, 1-2-3, and Eddie steals another one.

After the match, Eddie is about to drive off when Big Show runs out and smashes the rear window of the low rider out. Big Show vandalizes the truck, then vandalizes Eddie. Eddie planted on top of the low rider, Big Show joins him up top, and Eddie gets choke slammed on the roof. Big Show gets in his face to see if Eddie got anything in his eye, then heads out. Eddie is left in a bloody heap on top of the truck.

Moments ago, Eddie had a bad night. During the break, Eddie was dragged off the truck by the trainers.

Out in the ring, Rey Mysterio is out to take on Johnny the Bull (with FBI that gets sent away) Johnny gets a quick knockdown, but falls prey to an airplane spin into a headscissors. Johnny overpowers Rey quickly, tho, and slaps on a rear chinlock. Rey gets out and tries a springboard moonsault, but gets caught and hung in the tree of woe. Johnny charges in, but Rey sits up and Johnny eats post. Rey getting the moonsault this time and cover only gets two. Dropkick, then Rey drops the dime for 2. Johnny kicks out and gets some offense on. Johnny falls prey to a dropkick to the back and Rey goes for the 6-1-9. Johnny catches him, tho, and hits a couple back breakers. Rey gets a west coast pop out of nowhere and rolls Johnny up for the pin.

Backstage, Brock glares at a monitor displaying the Undertaker getting ready for an interview.

Backstage, the Smackdown job squad is looking over the devastated low rider. Matt interrupts the admiration with a gift for Shannon Moore. It’s a big, framed picture of himself. The Mattitude crew are interrupted by John Heidenrich who wants Matt to get the tape Little Johnny made to Stephanie McMahon. Matt reminds John that Steph might not be in a position to do any hiring come Sunday, but assures him the tape will make it to where it belongs. As John walks away, Matt throws it into a close trash receptacle.

After a quick bit of hype for the PPV, Tazz and Cole wonder what exactly a Bike Chain match is. Fortunately for them, Undertaker is there to let them know that it’s basically a chain on a pole match. Undertaker rambles for a bit on how he’s been training to be the world champion and Sunday night is his night. Cole asks him what he thinks about the I Quit match, Undertaker says he hopes Stephanie wins, and is quickly attacked by Brock. Brock beats him down, ties the chain around Undertakers neck and drags him off as we go to commercial.

Back, and Brock has gotten Undertaker out to the stage and throwing him around. Undertaker comes back with some fisticuffs, but Brock has the other end of ‘Taker’s chain, so Brock drags him down to the ring. ‘Taker comes back with some fisticuffs again, but Brock gets some blows with the chain in, throws ‘taker around some more, and proceeds to hang ‘Taker over the turnbuckle while delivering repeated kicks. ‘Taker starts turning purple and stops thrashing, so Brock leans in to check on him. ‘Taker answers with a big boot, and ‘Taker instinctively rolls into the ring. Brock chases ‘Taker in and levels him with a clothesline. Brock hanging ‘Taker with the chain some more, but ‘Taker wraps the chain around brocks neck and the tables turn. ‘Taker with some fisticuffs and then the chokeslam. ‘Taker takes the chain off his neck and chases Brock out of the ring. Brock is left fleeing up the ramp, and ‘Taker once again swings his chain in the ring as we fade out.

Ok, much better than last week. With the exception of the McMahon family drama, the entertainment segments were kept short and sweet, and the wrestling action made up for last weeks dismal showing. The Biker Chain match turned out to be the lame gimmick match everyone feared it would be, but hopefully ‘Taker and Brock can make it work. The Heels got over a little bit much this week, tho, with only Angle and ‘Taker having the last laugh before going into Sunday. Rey and Tajiri had no interaction, A-Train got the better of Benoit, Big Show dominated, and Zack was nowhere to be seen. The Bit with John Heidenrich was cute, tho, as it shows he is smart enough to shop himself out for both brands (even if he’s not so smart in the dispersal of his tryout tapes.) Much improvement over Last week, and it at least got me somewhat psyched for the PPV.

See you at Hooters for No Mercy, see you next week for Smackdown.



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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