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Soiled Vince: Memories of "Bang 3:16"
November 14, 2003

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


*Falls over dead*

Ok, if anyone ever says to you that running an anime convention is easy, I would greatly appreciate it if you would slap him or her silly and feed then to a shark. 3 days of stress, caught the con plague (which I’m staving off thanks to Dayquil), my digital got stolen, and I caused my left arm to go numb for 2 hours when I took a MAN SIZED BUMP from falling face first from Silent Bob's death touch. But, the convention went over well; I got a load of toys, made some new friends, and have good memories of hotties in skimpy costumes.

Anyway, enough of my Geeking, on with the wrasslin!

No Leader, no bumper, just a cold opening and Pyro! And we are live from the Continental Airlines Arena. Tonight, the Tag Team Titles are on the line as the Bashams defend against Los Guererros. Also, Kurt Angle will name the 5th member of Team Angle tonight!

Speaking of which, Kurt Angle is out to take on Nathan Jones (w/ Matt Morgan). As Nathan ‘Diesels’ his way over the top rope, Nick Patrick sends Matt to the back.

Lockup, and Nathan powers Angle into the corner. Another lockup, and Angle surprises Nathan with a rollup. Only gets 1, tho. Angle tries to chain wrestle Nathan, but Nathan powers out of it. Angle with the double leg takedown into a side headlock. Nathan powers out again and sends Angle to the ropes, but as he comes in with the big boot, Angle ducks and Nathan straddles himself on them. Angle with a few shots to send Nathan to the floor, and he follows out. Angle only gets a couple rights in before Nathan no-sells everything and comes back with some punches of his own. Nathan breaking the count by rolling into the ring, and then he goes out and rolls Angle back in. Angle up and going after Nathan again with some rights and getting a clothesline in before Nathan hits a big right hand. Angle with a bit more jobber offense. Nathan with the powerslams. Nathan goes for the press slam, but Angle kicks out and goes after the knee with some dropkicks. German Suplex and the straps are down! Nathan comes back with a MASSIVE clothesline. Nathan looking to slam Angle, but Angle slips out again, Takes Nathan down, and slaps on the Ankle Lock. Nathan is about to tap when Matt Morgan is back out with a big boot to draw the DQ. As the double team commences, Hardcore Holly is out to do some chair swingin'! Nathan and Matt scatter and Hardcore grabs a mic to call Brock out, and that if he doesn’t come out, then he’s coming after him! Apparently, He’s got until after this commercial break.

Backstage, Holly is searching for Brock. He finds Paul Heyman instead. Paul says that He can have Brock, but not right now. Hardcore doesn’t like this, but Paul says that if Hardcore doesn’t lay off, then he’s suspended. Paul calls the “You’re not medically cleared until Survivor series” card and produces a bunch of security to escort him to his car. Hardcore promises that he’ll do to Lesnar at Survivor series what was done to him and leaves.

Elsewhere, Vince is not having a good day; so Sable decides to try cheering him up by showing a picture of Vince with his dog out of some WWE picture book (probably on sale at a Waldenbooks near you). Vince takes the book, turns a couple pages and happens upon an Undertaker pic. He gets slightly pissed, and then relates to Sable a dream that he had about being buried alive (complete with graphic description of the maggots and other nasties that feasted on his flesh) and lets us all know that when he woke up, he saw that he had soiled himself, and then wonders what it means. That… was incredibly…. special, Vince…

Back from commercials, and Jamie Knoble is out (with black armband), and he’s taking Hardcore Holly’s example and calling Tajiri out. Tajiri is out, and as Jamie attacks, Akio (formerly Jimmy Yang) and Sakata (the other guy) sneak attack and drag Jamie back to the ring. Tajiri grabs a mic and shouts instructions in Japanese as they work Jamie over. Rey Mysterio intervenes and sends the Yakuza running. Rey holds Jamie back as we go to commercials.

The First annual Vibe awards are ONLY on UPN. And if UPN’s fortunes don’t change, then they’ll be the LAST ever Vibe awards on UPN.

Remember Kids, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME! Or at conventions….

We’re back, and apparently, we have a match as Jamie is working Akio over in the ring. Kicks in the corner are followed by a couple bodyslams and some leg drops. Pin attempt gets two, and Akio gets a flying leg lariat to turn the tide. Tag to Sakata and he works Jamie over. Tag to Rey, who flies all over Sakata. Rey with a springboard dropkick to take Akio down, but Sakata gets a clothesline to stop Rey’s momentum. Tag to Akio, and he works Rey over with a few dropkicks and a front face lock. Tag back to Sakata, who works the back and tries a facelock of his own. Mysterio fights his way out as Jamie pumps the crowd up. Sakata stops that by knocking Jamie off the apron and continuing to work Rey over. Tag to Akio, who locks in a crossover facelock with the knees in the back. Rey struggles out. Rey sent to the corner, Akio with a matrix kick, but a tilt a whirl is reversed into an inverted DDT. Rey gets the tag and Jamie is a House O’ Far! Sakata tries to interfere, but Jamie chains into a swinging neckbreaker and sends him out of the ring. Akio puts Jamie down and that brings Rey in to deliver a drop toehold and then a 6-1-9. But as Rey goes for a West Coast Pop, Sakata grabs him and yanks him down. Jamie is back up and working Akio over, but Tajiri comes from out of nowhere to deliver a Boot to the Head (Yaa Yaa!) and Akio covers for the pin. Tajiri and the Yakuza leave and Jamie glares.

Backstage, Los Guererros are pumped up for their match when a New Jersey State Police detective shows up and informs Eddie that his wife’s sister has been in a car accident. Eddie has to leave, Chavo promises to talk to Paul and postpone the match.

This December 5th, Jessica Alba will do a lot of hootchie dancing.

Back from commercials, and Chavo has found Paul. Chavo pleads his case to Paul, who commiserates and decides to postpone the match. The Bashams show up and basically goad Chavo into accepting a handicap match tonight. Paul makes the match, and he makes it, NEXT!

Tazz and Cole shill the WWE UN-scripted book (the picture book Sable was looking at earlier.) This segues to Undertaker in a cemetery, talking about how he didn’t expect to return to this place, that part of him didn’t want to come back. But he’s glad he’s back, and he can’t wait to put Vince into the hole. Good promo here. Something about a cemetery seems to bring out the best in people when it comes to talking smack.

Back from commercials, and Tazz and Cole shill the UPN Tuesday lineup.

And now the Bashams (from that hotbed of deviant behavior, Columbus, Ohio) are out (W/ Shaniqua) to take on Chavo Guererro.

Chavo and Doug start. Lockup, and they chain wrestle around a bit. Chavo goes in and gets a waist lock, reversed, Chavo chains around again and gets a snapmare, followed by some arm drags and a couple dropkicks. Outside, Shaniqua whips the both of them to pump them up. Doug back in, and Chavo controlling. Chavo with the Boston Crab. Danny tries to run in, but Chavo has a clothesline for him. Doug with the hot shot to come back, tho. Doubleteam in the corner, and as Danny distracts the ref, Doug chokes Chavo out. Danny with a few boots, and tag to Doug, and a double slam puts Chavo down. Cover gets two. Rear chinlock, Chavo fights out. Doug whipped into the corner, but eats an elbow on the charge. Doug goes for the savage elbow, but Chavo gets a foot up. Danny rushes in, but Chavo sends him out. Atomic drop, followed by a monkey flip. Danny tries to interfere again, but Chavo grabs Doug, runs up the turnbuckles, gives Danny a boot as he’s going up, and hits a Tornado DDT. Danny tries to come in, but Chavo dodges the elbow drop, letting Doug take it instead. Dropkick for Danny to send him out, then Doug thrown out of the ring as well. Shaniqua tries to interfere, but the ref stops her, and as he’s distracted, Danny switches with Doug. Chavo gets out and rolls Danny back in. As he reaches for him, Danny surprised him with a small package, and gets the pin. Afterwards, Shaniqua is in to deliver the big boot, and Basham beat down follows.

Backstage, Josh is outside Angles room, and Angle apparently isn’t telling anyone who the 5th member is yet.

Commercials. The 5th member… I mean John Cena raps about drinking the bees in YJ Stinger.

Back from commercials, we get the House Show report. Apparently the fans like the WWE.

Backstage, Chavo, in extreme pain, is being seen by the trainer. Elsewhere, the Bashams have a chuckle at Chavo’s expense, and then bring in the NJSP impersonator, and chuckles are had all around.

Out to the Ring, Bradshaw is out to take on A-Train.

Circle, lockup, and they stand off until A-Train starts the clubberizin’. Bradshaw comes back with a few rights of his own and a big boot. A-Train comes back with a clothesline. They brawl back and forth for a bit, getting out of the ring for a bit, and Tazz brings up that Bradshaw played for the Oakland Raiders, and Cole counters with A-Train’s College career. Other stuff happens, A-Train hits a decapitator, and a he’s talking trash, Bradshaw punches him in the nuts. Bradshaw with the right hands, A-Train gets a sleeper, Bradshaw fights out and gets a sleeper of his own. A-Train countering with a side suplex. Bradshaw surprises us all by busting out a dropkick! A-Train comes back, clotheslines Bradshaw down, and hits the belly bomb. Cover gets 2. Derailler hits, but Bradshaw grabs a rope. A-Train eats a clothesline from Heck, and Bradshaw gets the pin. Match was about as exciting as it read.

Backstage, Angle asks if Benoit is ready. Benoit says that Angle must be out of his mind for picking HIM! Angle gives us the “Hey, the enemy of my enemy is my friend” speech, and the camera pulls back to reveal the 5th member: John Cena. What a… uh… surprise. Cena tells us that the only reason that he’s on team Angle is because he just wants the shot at team Sasquatch. Benoit says that if Cena tries anything, then he’s coming after Angle. We go to commercials with Angle looking satisfied that his team might just kill each other before Survivor series.

Back, and Vince is looking rather constipated. Sable comes in, and says that he’s looking rather stressed out, so she brought Father Frank to talk to Vince. Sable leaves them alone, and Vince glowers at Father Frank, who is acting more wooden than my desktop. Vince wonders what Frank is going to do, Frank says he’ll start praying. Vince is unnerved by Frank’s habit of praying with his eyes open, so he suggests they kneel. They get to the third line in the lords prayer when Vince interrupts him again and asks for him to pray harder. Frank does as requested (barely) and Vince starts laughing (I’m grimacing). Vince lets Frank know that he’s praying for the wrong man, then goes into evangelical mode to declare that he’s gonna beat the Undertaker, HALLELUJAH!

After hype for Raw’s part of Survivor series, Cole and Tazz talk Raw’s half down, and Smackdown’s half up. And Next: Brock and Big Show vs. Benoit and Cena.

We’re back, and somebody better call my momma, because Bruce is hyping up The Cat from the top of a limo. The Cat yanks him back down, and they talk about dancing and singing, while Bruce testifies for Cat.

Back to the arena, and John Cena is out to rap about how he didn’t want to join the Nation of Masturbation. He points out Method Man, and tonight’s “Rhyme along with John” word is “Shit!” Chris Benoit is out, and he stares intensely at Cena.

Big Show is out next, followed by Brock Lesnar.

Cena starts with Brock. Lockup, and Cena forced into the corner. Cena goes him, Brock powers him back out. Brock with a waistlock, but Cena counters with a back elbow and tries to get the upper hand, but Brock gets the better of that and powers Cena into the corner. Cena escapes and a trio of clotheslines puts Brock down. Tag to Benoit, and he comes in kicking. Snap suplex, and some knife-edge chops elicit “Woo!” from the audience. Tag back to Cena, and Cena gets some kicks in of his own, but that doesn’t last long as Cena has apparently been tapped to play Ricky Morton tonight. Tag to Big Show, who slaps and throws John around, ending up with a big chokeslam. Benoit drags Cena out to avoid any further damage on Cena and we go to commercials.

Back, and Big Show is stretching Cena out. During the break, Brock abused Benoit. Big Show with a scoop slam. Tag to Lesnar, who taunts Benoit and then plants Cena with a German suplex. More abuse on Cena, and then Brock Fisherman suplexs Cena, who kicks out at 2.  Brock picks him up, and Cena gets out and delivers a dropkick. Tag to Benoit who is a Ball O’ Far! Release German suplex sets up the flying headbutt. Cover, but Big Show breaks it up. Brock regains the advantage with a big clothesline, and then tags Big Show in. Big Show throws Benoit around while the crowd chants “Subway!” Big Show does an interesting variation on the Roll the dice, using his leg instead of slashing down with his arm. Cena breaks the pin up, and Big Show glares at Cena. Tag to Brock, who taunts Benoit, then ties him up. Benoit fights his way out, Brock charges into an elbow, and Benoit hits another German! Brock tries to keep Benoit away, but Big Show distracts the ref as Benoit gets the tag. Cena in and stomping a new mud hole on Brock, but the ref sends Benoit back out. Benoit and Brock struggle against each other on the mat, then get away for the double tag. Cena runs in and ducks the clothesline and goes directly for Brock. Big Show tries to come from behind, only ending up squashing Brock instead. Cena with some dropkicks to knock big show down, and Benoit goes up and hits the flying Headbutt! Cena with the cover, but Brock flies in to break it up. Benoit immediately over to brawl on Brock, then slapping on the crippler crossface. As the Ref tries to break that up, Cena grabs the chain. Big Show grabs Cena in a goozle, tho, but Cena with the low blow, and then the off the ropes assisted chain shot. As Cena covers, Benoit lets the crossface go, and the ref counts the 1-2-3 to give Cena and Benoit the duke! Benoit and Cena share a look, and Cena departs and we are outta here!

Good show tonight, and it set Survivor Series up nicely. Nothing really to say, so I’ll just say See ya at Hooters for Survivor Series, and See ya next week!!


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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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