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The Champ is Back... in the Hospital?
November 19, 2004

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com


I honestly don't have any idea at this point if SmackDown! was any good last night.  I've just seen it and written about it too much to have any rational, impartial thoughts about it.... 
And yet, here I am doing the SD! Recap? Well, kinda; Danny's out of commission this week, and so what I'm gonna do is a "re-mix" of my live, on-site report.  Clean up a few spots, shuffle the order around, take out the Kidman/Chavo match, whatever it takes so that this version matches the events of the as-aired version...  and then re-do some 

of the formatting so that it corresponds to the OO Recap Standards.  Well, the OO RAW Recap standards.  You folks know what I mean.

If I'm as good as I think I am, then the notes I wrenched out of my brain late on Tuesday night should still make for a pretty good and detailed recap, once assembled in the proper order.

So let's just shut up and give this a try, eh?

Cold Open: FINALLY, the Champ Has Come Back  

I fucking LOVE cold opens, and I think we get on on Thursday.  No pyro, no theme, no nothing...  straight to John Cena making a grand entrance to the ring.
Huge pop, second biggest of the night, and he immediately complicates matters by mentioning "Dayton" for no good reason.  [The Rick Says: you can't be bothered to buy a Cheap Heat jersey, then you get not Cheap Pop from me.  I'd have fucking LOANED him a UD jersey, and he couldn't bother, so BOO on Cena.]  Cena goes into a non-rap segment that talks about how Carlito was man enough to steal his chain, steal his title, and have him stabbed in a nightclub (pause for reaction, but Dayton is NOT forthcoming with any "oohs" or "ahhs" at the Alleged Real Life Drama, so maybe this town is NOT retarded).  But Cena says that tonight all that matters is whether or not Carlito is man enough to step into the ring and defend the US Title.  Seemed to bring the intensity, and for all my lack of infatuation with Cena's pandering to below-average IQs, this was good stuff.  Crowd was ALL (I mean ALL) standing for this, they never sat down.  That's pretty special.
Then Cena went into a rap segment.  Not so good.  Afro this, Chia Pet that.  Cena's not cool, he's on fire, so Carlito better retire.  I dunno, just really lame rhymes for the most part.  Nothing edgy at all, nothing clever, either.  The Sure To Be Censored by UPN Punchline will be "Paybacks are a BLEEEEEEEPPPP."  I'd not be put out, except that I could have written Cena a rhyme that'd have gone over GANGBUSTERS with the Dayton crowd.  Something like:
So Carlito, you say you're cool /
And I'm beggin you to prove it tonight / 
You're just like those lying fucks in North Carolina /
Always trying take credit as the Birthplace of Flight
Dayton's where it's at, yo /
Home of Orville and Wilbur /
I'll make you my bitch and /
This'll be a November to Remember
So this town /
Is where we learned to fly /
Well you can just call me Velvet /
And you all will see why
[likely boos from the Wright St. crowd who do not remember Roosevelt Chapman as fondly as I do, but FUCK THEM]
And last thing before I go /
There's this guy out there named Rick /
Well, Steph, if you don't hire his ass /
I'm afraid you'll have to suck my
[mic raise]
WHEEEE~! I can make up rhymes only slightly less dumb than a guy who never made it past "gopher" on WKRP back in 1978!
But self-serving, D-grade freestyles aren't the point.  The point is that Cena hit his "make Carlito my bitch" punchline and Dayton ate it up.  Big pop, play his music, and we're done.

Backstage: Tough Enough Crap Part One.  Somebody gets eliminationed.  Johnny Injuredribs.  I couldn't care less, and I'm not taking any more of my time recapping this....


Tough Enough Crap, Volume 3: the Sure To Be Edited Down Or Else Somebody's Even More Retarded Than I Thought Edition

So the remaining TE guys hit the ring.  Al Snow (being in his hometown, for all intents and purposes) gets a bit of a pop, and borrows against that goodwill later by channeling Mick Foley by mentioning "Dayton, OH" after the crowd has turned on the segment.  He takes about 5 minutes to intro and talk to each of the remaining guys.  The only one who gets any appreciable babyface pop is the one what took Kurt Angle two weeks ago.  The rest: apathy and some boos.  Whee.  The challenge this week is a Capture The Flag deal.  A flag is in one corner, the TE contestents (one at a time) will be in another, and in between, the Basham Brothers.  How thrilling.  I'm not recapping this shit.  

Suffice to say, none of the guys overcomes the two-on-one to get the flag, and the ONLY drama of the night is when (and this is sure to not make the cameras) ONE of the Bashams appeared to get legit hurt before the last chump, and they REALLY milked it for extra time to let him recover.  But honestly, they milked it between EVERY guy.  I'm serious: stupid challenge followed by stupid interview, followed by (and I DO love you Al, but SHUT UP AND WRAP THIS SHIT UP) rambling commentary on what we just saw, and I swear to you.... final tally is close to 25 minutes (plus more before the ads), and what's the punchline: NOTHING HAPPENED~! NOBODY WON~!  YOU WASTED YOUR TIME~!  I hate you, WWE, I hate you so very, very much.  
Backstage: Rey Mysterio is WALKING~!  And OMG~! he passes a Dayton Bombers logo~!  If only I cared about hockey~! And then also lacked enough excitement in my life to care about Minor League Hockey~!  Then I might give a shit~!  But Rey also walks into Bob Van Dam's dressing room.... and BVD?  He's a hit with the chicks.  And right now, he's doing some stretching.  With his new Personal Trainer.  Who just so happens to be My Michelle McCool.  Yes, the only palatable Diva Search Loser makes her TV Returnening in Dayton, OH.  Howdy, Michelle: you seem quite pretty, not to mention reasonably tolerable a personality, but please hand your contract over to Gail Kim immediately, OK?  It's for the best.... CHRIST~!  Another Diva Search Loser (even if she's my favorite one) gets hired the same week WWE puts a bullet in the Women's division (and releases a new video sans Molly)?  Crazy.  Anyway: Michelle uses her Powers of Flexibility to hit a pose that very well may inspire me to Lawler Caliber Naughty Thoughts, but that's neither here nor there.  Both BVD and Rey hit the same pose and then proceed to totally ruin things with Unfunny Dialogue that half-references the potential-naughtiness while also trying to reference their upcoming tag title match.  There is a big pop for Michelle's pelvic raise, and then nothing for the last minute of the skit.  There is ZERO punchline and the thing ends with an audible flop.  Way to go, sitcom writers~!  Sure you don't want my help?

Cena vs. Carlito Flashback #1: I don't recap recaps.

Backstage: Teddy Long is on the cell phone.  He's talking to Erin Anderson about Armageddon in Hotlanta, GA, trying to convince her to show up, and she's not interested.  No Jericho, No Broad; Teddy hangs up on her in frustration.  And just in time, because he's got to deal with an Intruder Alert.  Carlito Cool is here!  And so is our lord and savior Jesus H. Conquistador!  And so is Carlito's sling!  Because, you see, he's injured!  Bad shoulder!  And he has X-Rays to prove it!  And he can't wrestle tonight!  But maybe in 6 weeks!  But Teddy is furious about the Erin Situation, and is in no mood to haggle: the US Title match is ON for later tonight, because if John Cena can wrestle with a wounded kidney, Carlito can wrestle with a wounded shoulder.  Carlito goes into some rambling Spanglish at this point, and Teddy cuts him off, "Yo, if you ain't talking Ebonics, I don't understand a word you're sayin', playa."  And Dayton, we might hate them filthy Mexicans~! But we're LOADED with obnoxious white dudes what want to act STREET, so they LOVE Teddy for that.  Although, secretly, so did I.  Hopefully for different reasons.  Hilarious.  Carlito leaves in disgust.  But then he comes back in Even Greater Disgust.  And then he bites his apple in the Greatest Of Disgust.  And then Teddy, god bless him, just smirks and says, "Don't even think about it, playa.  You just get to steppin."  And Carlito does NOT call the bluff. Fun stuff.

Also Backstage: Paul Heyman is strapping Heidenreich into a straight-jacket, and talking the Big Talk.  He says that he knows Taker won the match last night, but it was a MORAL Victory for Heidenreich.  Because Heyman says he's never seen Undertaker look the way he did after that match.  He looked at Heidenreich with RESPECT, maybe even with FEAR.  He never looked at The Rock that way.  Never looked at Stone Cold Steve Austin that way.  Never looked at Hollywood Hogan that way (yes, HOLLYWOOD Hogan, and a big ol' FUCK YOU to Marvel Comics from Dayton, OH!).  Although Heyman talking and Heidenreich doing nothing is as close as we'll get to quality here, Jon decides he must speak.....  d'oh.  "Paul?  Is the jacket on?'  Paul says it is.  "Then let's get this over with."  Simple enough.

WM Recall: Andre and Uecker.  How did THAT ever make the annals of WM history?  Seriously?


Heidenreich vs. Charlie Haas 

Why Heidenreich is not huddling with Billy Gunn in the Unemployed With Good Reason Line is beyond me.  Why he's not a sad-sack heel is even more baffling.  Here, they make a big show out of his straight jacket act, CLEARLY trying to get a babyface thing going for him as the innocent monster who doesn't know any better (hey, it's a nice archetype, and this one might even by Heyman's own doing, since he's the guy what tricked us into caring about 9-1-1), but sadly, we all already know that Heidenreich blows.  Goats.  In Dayton.  On Tuesdays.  While I watch teen dramas on UPN.
What?  Oh yeah, a recap....
The crowd doesn't care about Heidenreich, and cares even less about Haas (which sucks).  They DO show signs of caring about Miss Jackie's attire, which would be charitably described as "almost pants."  And I'm back to cursing my home town.  [At one point, they also started chanting "We Want Lita" during a commercial break."  Morons, don't they know that she's the psychotic wench what made the Lovely and Talented Trish Stratus bleed?  Then again, during a DIFFERENT ad break, they started spontaneously WHOOOO-ing for Flair, and that wasn't so wrong....]
The match is nothing.  Thirty seconds of Haas getting his ass kicked, and then suddenly, Heidenreich gets squirrelly.  Heidenreich leaves the ring.  Paces nervously.  And gets counted out.  Haas wins.  Well, well, good for him.  Too bad the story is CLEARLY Heidenreich, who starts muttering and frothing or something.  Then he collapses into the fans at ringside; at FIRST I thought he was clutching his chest, but that was just blind optimism.  Oh, Rick, tell me I didn't just say that~!  OK, I said it, but I didn't mean it; peace and long life (and no WWE Contract) to Heidenreich~!
But it's not a serious health problem, it's just some kind of gay-ass anxiety attack.  Oh, the Delicate Genius of Heidenreich~!  The Poet~!  The Tortured Soul~!  I fucking hate delicate souls.  So does Dayton.  They boo briefly, and then they just stop caring.  

A Check-up with Doctors Troubridge and Greenbaum: Tazz and Cole do a really obnoxious job of over-selling the Heidenreich thing.  Their professional, medical opinion?  "Nervous breakdown."  Poor, poor Heidenreich.

Kenzo Suzuki/Rene Dupree vs. Rey Mysterio/Bob Van Dam (Non-Title Match)  

Goddamn, RVD's pyro is LOUD in person.  You folks don't know me, but take my word: I'm a fucking ROCK, not skittish at all, don't scare easy, or anything, but I leapt perceptibly at RVD's pyro. Put this with the Trish Problem from the PPV, and I'm gonna have to schedule a check up with the doc to make sure I still have male genitalia....
Don't know if I'm made note of this before, but I TOTALLY dig the team entrance for Suzuki and Dupree (La Resistance March with the Kenzo Flutey Thing, conveniently in the same key, peppered in); Hiroko, god bless her, is really into it too, doing the geisha thing, but then accessorizing with French flags in her hair and stuff (making me not care a whit that Fifi is missing, since we have all our ethnocentric gimmickry wrapped up in Hiroko, who pulls it off smashingly).  I like things what are fun (like Eugene and Regal winning on RAW, for instance), and it just seems like maybe Hiroko and Kenzo are having more FUN than most on TV these days.  I think that translates to TV, too.
RVD starts with Kenzo, and this is where I had that soul-crushing exchange with some girl that apparently liked the cut of my jib, but who also couldn't understand why I was amused by "Tye-Jeeeri."  Ugh.  It STILL hurts to think about that.  All RVD to start, then a tag into Rey, and it's STILL all babyfaces.  Total heat sequence, really.  A double team move or two (including a cool dual thing that's probably best called a "Double Atomic Legdrop," but which you can figure out for yourself on Thursday).  Dupree tries to come in to stop the bleeding, but succeeds only in getting HIS ass kicked as well.  Some relative highspots leave Kenzo KO'ed outside of the ring on one side (and bleeding from the mouth, maybe?), and Rene KO'ed outside of the ring on another, and RVD and Rey are in the ring celebrating.  Although we're only about 3 minutes into the match, I'll eat a bug if this wasn't a spot designed for some......


We come back, and Rey is in control for about 30 seconds, until some dastardly act by Dupree.  A quick tag, and all of a sudden, Kenzo is in charge and Rey is your Face In Peril.  Not sure of the "when" of the comeback from break, but I'm GUESSING they might hold it off until after the heels took over, just cuz doesn't it seem like that's what WWE always does?  So Rey spends about 5 minutes getting his ass beat (which, though I love Rey, is not unentertaining, since he does it so well).  A big ol' FUCK YOU to Dayton, since they fire up a "USA USA" chant for Rey, without even a LICK of irony.  Idiots.  To his credit, BVD is also a kick-ass cheerleader outside the ring.  Stomping, pounding, doing whatever he can to induce rhythmic clapping.  I know all about this "WWE style" and how BVD probably doesn't fit in, but on the ringside cheerleading?  He's fucking awesome.  Marty Jannetty, circa 1988, could take notes.
Finally, Rey hit some big spot or another (sorry, don't remember, might have been a tilt-a-whirly-reversey something that ended in a DDT, if I recall, though), and then the ref applied the double count.  At 7 or 8, Rey got a burst of energy and dived to his corner and hot tagged BVD.  Bob is a house afire for a good minute or so, but then Rene and Kenzo try to double team.  The fire is slightly moistened, but not put out~! Because here's Rey to make it a two-on-two Pier Sixer!  More chaos.  BVD hits a drop toehold on Kenzo; Rey low-bridges Rene to send him out of the ring; Rey sees Kenzo's convenient positioning, and hits a (619); Kenzo bounces back into EVEN MORE CONVENIENT POSITIONING, and BVD hits a Five Star Frog Splash.  One, two, three.  They didn't win the titles, but they have SURELY proven they deserve a shot, right?  That's Cole's story, and he's sticking to it.

Cena vs. Carlito Flashback #2:  I still don't recap recaps. 


WWE's "Back to Iraq" tour is happening this holiday season: Like I said on the PPV recap, this is a neat idea, but this is also not the same Iraq as it was a year ago. I'll be honest, I don't believe in god, but if you guys are going back to Iraq at this point, I'm saying prayers for the all of you.  By the power of whiskey or Jobu or SOMEthing, may you all be safe on this trip. Also: I gather that *this* is what Creed's Alleged Greatest Hits is supplying music for, not for "Armageddon."  So I offer All Apologies to the Broad: I am so very, very sorry that Your Dreamboat Scott Stapp will have nothing to do with the PPV coming to your hometown next month.

The Kurt Angle Invitational is Open

Here's something cool: Kurt Angle makes his first appearance of the night, and the crowd just INSTANTLY stands.  Dayton, you may be stupid sheep, but sometimes, you are led by the right man~!  And I swear, NOTHING made me more proud than to see 3000 or so dorkwads standing, pumping their fists in time with the music, and chanting "You Suck" at possibly the greatest performer in the business!  Because I was doing it too!  Sure, my reasoning might be different (I just don't want to see Kurt limp through another babyface run), but it's still goddamned FUN to be a part of that.  It's less fun to be a part of a crowd that still thinks "WHAT?" is fun (and they used it on Kurt), but whatever...  Dayton: a good 3 years behind the curve on some things.  Like I said, I just live here.
Anyway, Kurt hits the ring, and he's here to talk.  Because tonight, in Dayton, OH, we launch the Kurt Angle Invitational. Every week, Kurt will go to a new town, and let some Hometown Hero try his moxie against an Olympic Hero.  And none of them stands a chance.  And Kurt's so sure that the prize will be a rich one: if any of these "hometown heros" can beat him, they will win Kurt's Gold Medals.  Huh, interesting.
Although, between you and me, I KINDA want to check my schedule and see if SD! is taping in San Antone sometime soon after what I heard about Kurt and Edge's exchange at the PPV....  but I won't.  I'll leave the smarky pants bidness for the column tomorrow.  But I *think* you smell what I'm cooking...  this is WIDE open for cross-brand shenanigans, and if they want Shawn/Kurt, well, it might be on because of this gimmick....
But for tonight: no gimmick.  Kurt just says, "Bring out the first chump."  And so the first chump materializes....

Kurt Angle vs. Some Guy

Kurt takes the time to give Some Guy some mic time before the match.... his name is Nobody Cares, and his Hometown is Predictable, Ohio.  Fans STILL aren't sick of hearing "Dayton," though, so they pop for it.  Not sure who this guy is based on my brief glimpse; I think his name was "Dean Visk," maybe, can't remember...  in any case, it was no "Snitsky," so we shan't be unexpectedly turning him into a semi-star just because his name is like mouth-candy (or keyboard-candy, as the case may be).  Some Guy hangs with Kurt for some mat wrestling, but then when Kurt extends the Handshake of "Wow, I Respect You for Hanging With Me," Some Guy proves that Dayton is every bit as dumb as I said.... he shakes Kurt's hand, gets an eye poke for his troubles, and from there, the squash is on.  Ends with an Angle Slam and an Ankle Lock.  Tap out. No more than 2 minutes total.  More interesting for the possibilities than it was good.

Backstage: Orlando Jordan is WALKING~! Right into the locker room of his boss, and STILL WWE Champion, John Bradshaw Layfield.  And JBL is getting make-up applied?  Or something?  By a gir..... AH FUCK~!  Look, again, I make a big show out of pretending not to know the Diva Search Idiots, but I'm not a fucking retard, I do have a head on my shoulders.  And that's not just Some Girl.  That's Diva Search Loser Amy Weber.  Our SECOND Diva Search Loser of the night who has won a contract while Gail Kim sits at home and drowns her sorrows in the fact that This Internet Jerk-Off thinks she's at LEAST half as talented as she is hot.  When did Jerry Lawler get promoted to the front office, dammit?  And when may I punch him just on general principles?
Oy.  Back to the recap: Amy is now JBL's "Image Consultant," and proves it by half-convincingly delivering her one line ("Image is everything") about five times in the span of 30 seconds.  Wheee! Molly Holly'd leave her confused as hell inside a wrestling ring, but she can read three words off a cue card~!  Clearly, this is who deserves a WWE Paycheck!  OJ admires JBL's fine taste in useless women, and then says it's time... time for what?  Time for....


WWE 24/7 package?  Maybe.  It's getting foggy now.  This might have been earlier.  I'm the fucking smartest dude you know, but even I have my limits when it gets up on 3:30am and I'm trying to remember something I saw while drinking the whiskey.  But typing this now is better than typing it tomorrow. 

The JBL Victory Speech Goes Horribly Alright!

JBL is out with Full Limo Entrance to good heel heat, and gets in the ring to proclaim, "It's morning again in America."  Dick.  And he compound his conservative douchebaggery by adding that he's so proud of Ohio's choice in the recent election.  DICK~!  And it's not just a cheap aside, he's going somewhere with it: cuz JBL, he might appreciate Ohio's choice, but JBL does NOT need swing states.  He's so bad-ass that he really doesn't care about stuff like that.  He coins the phrase "JBL Era," and for the life of him tries to convince me that 20 years from now I'll be using that the same way I do "Hogan Era." Which I won't.  Because I'm not a dolt.  But as heel shtick, it's actually VERY effective.  JBL doesn't go for the "Hogan Era" comparison, and instead goes MUCH, MUCH dirtier.  He says that he respects Booker and Eddie and Taker, but they are just the wrong guys at the wrong time, because this is the JBL Era, and it's like Larry Bird and Isaiah and Hakeem: they're good, but they aren't the best.  JBL compares himself to Michael Jordan, and says that everybody else is fighting for scraps of spotlight.  Which is SO bullshit, but also SO well delivered that it totally works.  If JBL tried to make reasonable claims, it would suck.  But when he does shit like this: hilarious, and hateable, and it sends him towards Honkeytonk Man territory.
Actually, JBL's ricockulousness reaches incredible proportions, as he announces something along the lines of:  "Since I became WWE champion, the US economy is thriving, unemployment is down, and most importantly, there have been no major terrorist attacks on US soil."  TRIPLE DICK~!  But funny, especially when Dayton acts like he just sac-punched George W. Bush, or something.
But right around here is ALSO when I think we finally got our First Interruption.  Booker T.  Decent pop for the Bookerman, who comes out and says he can't believe the MJ comparison; can't remember, but there was a line in there about Jordan never needing a House Boy to feed him steel chairs, or something like that.  Funny.  All leads up to Booker dropping the Bomb: he wants a rematch, and he wants it for the title, and he wants it TONIGHT IN DAYTON. YAY.  But also: WAIT.
Cuz here comes Eddie Guerrero.  Thank got the limo moved out of the way, cuz Eddie's got a low-rider.  Damn, I've often wondered about this, but Eddie really is a good driver.  Very precise.  I mean, I could do that, too, but I'm the kind of anal jerk who does NOT like to be a passenger with certain drivers, and even with his Personal Demons (*ahem*, significant qualifier here), it seems like Eddie might be able to operate a motor vehicle quite expertly.
Disappointing pop for Eddie, and again, F-U Dayton, since I think maybe you're kinda a little bit too redneck for this show.  Without getting into a whole big thing, I know SD! plays real strong in major markets and in the SW, but when you think "multiculturalism" you don't think Dayton, so.... I dunno.  I had a point, but I forget it now.  Something about me being mildly miffed, though....
Eddie gets on the mic and says some stuff.  "No Disrespect to Booker" is a big part of that.... but then he builds up to HIS punchline, which is ALSO how he was dicked over by JBL and how HE wants a rematch, and so maybe HE should get that.....
And another country heard from~!  And kids, I'm just man enough to tell you I got really excited here.  Partly because it's been damn near a decade since I saw Taker make the OOld School entrance live (and it is neato-keen), but also because I started putting the pieces together in my head for what this meant for Armageddon.
Taker does the slow entry, does the eye thing, does the hat thing, and honestly, I'm loving it.  Standing, leaning forward, soaking it in, the whole nine.  And then: Taker just stands there.  Because they don't pay him enough to talk in podunk Dayton.  Or something.
But JBL will talk.  He grabs a mic, and says "OK, losers, I know what this is about: you all want title shots, but guess what? I beat you all, and I'm not facing a single one of you every."
Cue Teddy Long.  He's STILL trying to convince Erin Anderson to buy a ticket for Armageddon, and he's got a Major Idea; he stands on the stage and says, "You're right, JBL, you will NOT face a Single One of these guys."  Dayton, the Eugene of Wrestling Towns that it is, has Teddy beaten to the punchline....
"You'll face ALL THREE OF THEM."  Big pop.  And that's saying something, because the Live Fan Instinct is to boo a sweet match that won't happen till three weeks later on PPV.  But goddamn, it IS a pretty sweet notion: JBL, all alone in a match against the three guys he has cheated out of the title for 8 months.  The DePantsing of JBL is coming at Armageddon, on PPV in December, and even sitting here in Dayton for this promo by Teddy Long just ANNOUNCING the match, I got giddy at the thought.  I don't care which of the three other guys wins, I just know that months and months of JBL's suckery might be made worth it if his demise is as delicious as I think it will be when faced with Booker, Eddie, and Taker.
FYI: Teddy confirmed it's "Fatal Fourway" rules, which means NOT elimination style, but rather First Decision Style. After Teddy's announcement gets its nice pop, he's out to his music.  

SD vs. RAW for PS2 Bumper.  Dayton's so dumb they pop for Virtual John Cena.

Sure Enough, It's Tough Enough:  Al Snow parades his bitches around.  He also fucking talks to all of them, wasting a good 5 minutes of my life.  Then the customary phone number/voting thing, and NONE of these dorks sells it quite the same way Red Headed Spaz did when she was wasting my life during retarded segments like this.  Go to hell, the all of you.  And may you have nightly barbeques with Vince McMahon or whoever is responsible for this shit making it to TV.  Total Time Wasted on Tough Enough Tonight: If it's a lick under 40 minutes, you may smack my ass and call me Sally.  Please let them edit it down for Thursday night.  That still does ME no good; I had to sit through it all.

Backstage: Jesus H. Cockblocker walks in on Carlito Cool, who is being gingerly tended to by..... GOD MOTHER FUCKING DAMMIT TO HELL BITCH WHORE SHITTY SHIT SHIT SHIT I HATE YOU ALL AND WILL COME TO STAMFORD TO WREAK MY VENGEANCE UNLESS YOU EXPLAIN YOURSELVES PRONTO YOU STUPID FUCKING DOUCHES~! Carlito has a "massage therapist." Who just so happens to be a THIRD FUCKING DIVA SEARCH LOSER.  Joy.  The mom, if I recall.  Nothing against her, but HOW IN THE BLUE FUCK DO WE INTRODUCE THREE USELESS DIVA SEARCH LOSERS IN THE SAME MONTH WE FIRED GAIL KIM AND ON THE SAME NIGHT MY STOMACH CLENCHED AT THE ABSENCE OF MOLLY HOLLY IN THE DIVA TRIBUTE VIDEO.  Do you have a clue, WWE?  Do you?  Do you have a clue?  I'm not saying Molly Holly sells PPVs.  But you can at least put her on TV and people won't turn the channel.  Because if you think Diva Search losers are the answer, then CLEARLY you assume that your audience can't find Real Porn when they just HAVE to rub one off.  IDIOTS~!  We're not all as hopeless as fucking Lawler.  If you're putting a girl on my TV, she'd by christ better be good at something related to wrestling.  Otherwise, she's just Randy Orton: pretty, but useless.  I'm serious. What passes for the "story" of this skit: Diva Loser Joy tries to dig in on Carlito's shoulder to loosen him up, but digs too hard.  So Carlito calls her "too rough," but says he shouldn't have expected expertise, because she's "just a woman," and then seeks solace in the expert and masculine embrace of Jesus H. Manlover.  Together, they decide that Carlito is gonna be able to beat John Cena tonight.  And they head to the ring.... 

One last Carlito vs. Cena Flashback Bumper:  Nope.  Not a chance.


It's Confirmed: JBL vs. Eddie vs. Booker vs. Taker for the WWE Title at Armageddon.  Once it's on a graphic, you CAN'T take it back.

John Cena vs. Carlito Cool (US Title Match)

Carlito and Jesus out first, then Cena. And Cena wants to waste no time.  So he sprints to the ring, and is cut off by Jesus.  Ref doesn't even have time to ring the bell to start the match.  Cena and Jesus brawl for a minute, Cena wins it.  Carlito tries to escape, but Cena cuts him off.  Outside the ring, Cena dominates a 30 second brawl, and that's when Jesus tries to attack from behind with a chair.  But Cena sees it coming, dodges, and steals the chair.  And in fact, he uses the chair on Carlito, hitting Carlito's injured shoulder (and mostly, hitting the ring post for a nice sound effect).  Carlito sells it like a gun shot.  
But hey, it's all legal!  Cuz the match hasn't started yet!
So Cena tosses Carlito's limp carcass into the ring.  Ref rings the bell.  NOW it's legal.  Cena picks up Carlito.  Cena hits the F-U.  Cena scores the pinfall win.  Total match time: 15 seconds.  Maybe.  NEW US CHAMP, though!  Right here, in Dayton, OH!
Cena TRIES to celebrate, but his celebration is cut even shorter than the match....
In the middle of Cena's celebration, our lord and savior Jesus H. Kidneypuncher attacked~!  He hit Cena from behind, and then went to work on the tender, supple kidney of John Cena.  The drama seemed to be lost on the Dayton crowd, which was filing out of the Nutter Center at a rapid pace, but I stuck around.  Jesus kept on pounding on Cena's lower back, and Cena eventually just collapsed in the ring.  Jesus left, helping Carlito to the back.  They are losers in the battle but what of the war?
Well, in the war, Cena did a Stretcher Job.  Kind of a cheap, rushed one, since you could tell they wanted to get the image on Cena on a stretcher dedicated to tape before the arena was empty, but that was the finish.  Cena, stretchered out of Dayton, OH.  How very, very sad.  First Shawn Michaels, now John Cena.  Maybe Dayton is the REAL Kiss of Death?


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