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Hey! No Heidenreich!
December 3, 2004

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


It’s December 2d! You guys know what that means, right? Only 23 shoplifting days until Christmas! SO GET WORKING!   

5-Minutes out: Smackdown! All these wrasslers are on it! Watch it NEXT!

WWE leader, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield, Orlando Jordan, the Bashams, and Diva Search Castoff Amy are apparently late. Theodore Long intercepts them and says that being late is going to cost him. But in the meantime, a couple matches are made: the Bashams vs. Booker T and Eddie (Bashams look psyched for it, Orlando and J”B”L are 

nonplussed.) Also, OJ and J”B”L are going to be in a handicap match against The Undertaker. They take this as well as could be expected.

WWE Opening. Ok, am I seeing things, or did I just see Brock Lesnar for an instant?

Pyro, and we are LIVE from the 9th most dangerous City in America, Richmond, VA and to kick us off, Rob Van Dam, Torrie Wilson, and Rey Mysterio are going to take on Kenzo Suzuki, Rene DuPree, and Hiroko? (W/ Fifi.)

Hiroko, very no nonsense, walks over and slaps Torrie across the face. Torrie takes umbrage but the guys hold her back until the bell rings.

RVD and Rene start. They lockup, chain wrestle, miss a couple kicks apiece, trade leg sweeps, and both back up to face off. RVD Tosses Rene shortly after this, and they taunt Kenzo with Rey coming in, and they bow. Kenzo runs in (tripping over the ring rope,) and quickly gets tossed out. Hiroko comes in, smacks Rey upside the head, and Rey steps aside to let Torrie get a “spear” in and the ladies brawl. Kenzo tries to break it up, but gets rolled over by the brawling women. He liked that, and gyrates and asks Torrie for a kiss. RVD responds with a Boot to the Head! (Yaa! Yaa!) Somehow, Rey and Rene are in the ring and Rey gets spinebustered. Everyone brawling, Hiroko is set up for 6-1-9, somehow Rene gets in her place (sorry, I blinked) and Rey drops the dime for the cover and 1-2-3.

Backstage: Al Snow and the Tough Enough guys are up NEXT!

Back and the dulcet tones of Drowning Pool serenade the Tough Enough guys to the ring. Does Daniel Puder EVER take that mouthpiece out? Ryan is asked if he wants to quit again, and he SWERVES US ALL BY SAYING YES! OMGWTFLOLBBQ!!!!!111!!!ONE!!!ELEVEN!!! Ohhhh, Psyche! He was just kidding! Wow, that’s some display of charisma, there, Ryan! Al then lets us know that the guys were asked earlier to give a quick 30-second promo about whom they would kick off. Ryan, Mike, and Justice all vote for Daniel (because he’s not in it for the WWE, etc. Same reasons all the Divas voted for Joy to get voted off, and damn me for actually remembering that.) Daniel Voted for Justice, because he’s big. Well, Al opens the envelope and this week, it’s Ryan who goes away. Man, getting broken ribs is like the kiss of death if you’re a Tough Enough contestant. This week’s challenge: the guys gotta dress like wimmen! Wonderful, first they channel the Divas, now they are going to dress like them.

Backstage, Hiroko wants to know why Kenzo keeps staring at Torrie. Kenzo says it’s because Torrie has everything. Hiroko can’t stand it anymore, and next week, she is challenging Torrie to a bra and panties match to show Kenzo that she’s got the stuff as well. Kenzo gives us an “Either way, I win!” grin.

Back from Commercials, and Charlie Haas (W/ Miss Jackie) is out to be the sacrificial lamb to Jesus’ (W/ Carlito Caribbean Cool) first match. Carlito would like to say a little something. Carlito says that Charlie is hogging all the women, what with dating Jackie and, reportedly, doing Dawn Marie on the side, and that’s not cool. Carlito then asks Torrie, “Why don’t you dump this loser and get with someone… Cool?” He emphasizes this by sticking his finger down her cleavage. Charlie doesn’t like this, so he grabs Carlito and starts manhandling him. Well, this is all the opening Jesus needed and he attacks from behind with the mic that apparently had a lead pipe hidden inside, because Charlie goes down like a rock. Jesus beats down on Charlie for a few minutes, and then he and Carlito take their leave.


Backstage, and Teddy is getting his George Jefferson on as he marches up to Carlito and Jesus and says that they are nothing but thugs. Carlito begs to differ, and says that Charlie started it, so they brought it back. Teddy then says that since they like referencing the streets so much, then at Armageddon, Jesus gets to have a match: a Street Fight! Carlito and Jesus scoff and laugh, thinking it’s going to be Charlie. Teddy corrects them, and says that the opponent will in fact be, John Cena! Carlito is lightly put out by this, but he talks tough and says that Jesus has this one, easy.

Raw Rewind. Stuff happened.

Backstage, Diva Search Castoff Michelle is helping Booker and Eddie stretch out while wearing the most revealing exercise gear possible. She coaches them, but Booker and Eddie are simply glaring at each other. She plays hip pocket psychologist again and asks what’s wrong. Booker starts by saying the Eddie is jealous of Booker, Eddie is all, “Bullshit!” and they bicker about blowing shots, etc. just like they did last week until Michelle gives us the wrestling equivalent of, “Can’t we all just get along?” by reminding them that they are a tag team. Eddie says she’s right, thanks her for the stretch, and heads out, Booker follows, and Michelle wears a, “I’ve done some good here!” expression.

Back from commercials, and The Bashams (W/ Orlando Jordan and J”B”L on commentary) are out for their match. And their entrance music has been changed to “Battle Without Honor or Humanity” from Kill Bill. I knew it was only a matter of tiem before someone started using that as ring music, but why do they have to waste it on the Bashams? Booker T and Eddie Guerrero are out, and J”B”L says that Eddie entering the arena in a lowrider is a disgrace. Apparently, I’m not the only person thinking, “This coming from someone who enters in a limo with horns on it wider than my living room” When Cole calls J”B”L out. J”B”L sputters something about being classy, and the match is on.

Booker starts with Danny and pounds the crap out of him to start. Danny tossed out and as Doug goes to look after him (a little early for the switcheroo, isn’t it?)Cole informs us it’s time for commercials.

Back and Eddie is dominating Doug. Danny tries to interfere and Eddie goes after him and makes him pay for his transgression. Eddie back in the ring, but Danny comes back in and holds him while Doug gets a couple cheap shots in. Doug gets a few seconds of offense in, but Eddie gets away and tags Booker in. Booker takes Doug down until a cheap shot by Danny gives the Bashams a chance for a double team. While Danny and Doug work Booker over, Cole calls into question the integrity J”B”L’s title reign, and this pisses him off greatly. Tazz tries to calm him down, but he’s in full on rant mode. Back in the ring, Eddie has been tagged in and he’s a house o’ far! Taking down both Bashams, hitting the 3 amigos on Doug, and looking for a frogsplash, but Booker is up on the ring ropes to protest Eddies showboating nature. Eddie steps down to argue the point with him, and this lets Danny get in to sneak attack Eddie, dominoing him into Booker. Danny goes out to take care of Booker while Doug schoolboys Eddie and uses the ring ropes for leverage.

After the match, J”B”L gets in the ring and hits a clothesline from Hell on Eddie. Booker rolled back in, and one for him too. All 4 heels pose in the ring and we’re off to commercials.

Hey, kids! Go see Blade Trinity if you want to see HHH do the only clean job of the year! I kid, I kid.

Back and while the camera pans over the outside of the arena, it stops on a statue memorializing soldiers from Richmond, and Tazz calls it “The Michael Cole Memorial!” Cole answers with silence.

Kurt Angle is out with Luther and Jindrak and security guards. This week’s challenger in the Kurt Angle invitational is Local boy Sebastian McCauley. Kurt jumps right to the chase and says ring the bell. He offers the hand of friendship, Sebastian, like a goof, accepts it. Kurt slaps him around, Angle Slam, Ankle Lock, and Sebastian is tapping. Nice seeing you.

Kurt calls his cronies into the ring and then asks this week’s special guest timekeeper, Diva Search Castoff Joy to step in the ring. Joy at first blanches, but when Kurt gives his word, and says that someone owes her an apology, she comes in. Luther gets the mic, and says that because his dad kicked him out of his home at age 13, he hasn’t been a happy person. So when he saw Joy in the ring last week, he started feeling sorry for himself, and took it out on the wrong person. He then offers dinner after the show as a way to show his apology. Joy says thanks, but she’s already got plans with Big Show. Kurt takes the mic and says that Joy dumping Luther for Big Show is an insult, and when you insult Luther, you insult all three of them. He gives her one more chance to accept Luther’s offer.

“Weeeeelllllll!!!” The Big Show is out and he clears the ring quick. As the heels are backing up the ramp, Big Show challenges all 3 of them, right here, right now. “Less for you, more for me!” They look to take him up on the offer, but Kurt stops them at the last instant and says no way. Ooo, Mind games!

Back from commercials, and to remind us that they are heading back to the Middle East for Christmas again, they show a quick video package of the commander of the MP Battalion welcoming Vince and the WWE. Back in the arena, the good Col. Spade is here and very emotional.

Al Snow is in the ring, let the pain begin. Daniel, Justice, and Mike come out, each one in drag, each one uglier than the last. Al says that this is going to be a tough one to call, so he’s going to need some help. And for some reason, the help this week is Hardcore Holly. I guess this is his punishment for beating up Rene DuPree. Each of the guys have to seduce Hardcore. Hardcore goes, “WTF?” and says that this isn’t what he signed up for and he’s outta here! Al pulls Hardcore back by calling his toughness into question. Hardcore swallows his pride and says, ok, he’ll do it. Mike plays on making “Hardcore” a double-entendre, Justice brought him some “Crunk juice”, and Daniel gives Hardcore a teddy bear. All through this, Hardcore can barely keep himself from busting out laughing. Al polls the crowd, and proclaims Mike the winner. Al says they can take the wigs and dresses off as they tell us to vote. Afterwards, Al tries to share a chuckle with Hardcore, but Hardcore levels him. Justice and Daniel go to Al’s aid, Mike tries getting in Hardcore’s face, Hardcore shoves him off. Hardcore gets the last laugh in as Cole and Tazz talk about the card for Armageddon.

Back in the ring, and Dawn Marie asks the crowd who was sexier in their Santa outfit, her or Miss Jackie? With that, she strips her robe off and struts around in her one-piece. She turns around and Miss Jackie is there and the catfight begins yet again. As the refs pull them apart, here comes Teddy Long to inform them that this has gone on long enough, and to settle this, they will have a match at Armageddon, and the special guest referee will be the guy that’s been at the center of all this: Charlie Haas. Both women are confident that Charlie will be on their side, and they look to do some more fightin’ as we go to commercials.

Back, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield and Orlando Jordan are out to take on the Undertaker.

Orlando starts with Undertaker, gets knocked down a lot. After a J”B”L distraction, OJ is able to clothesline ‘Taker over the top rope. J”B”L tries to sneak attack, but ‘Taker gives him a big right and sends him into the ring steps. OJ tries to fly, but ‘Taker catches him and rams him into the ringpost. OJ rolled back in, ‘Taker hits Old School, covers, but J”B”L breaks it up. J”B”L tries to pour on the offense, but ‘Taker tosses him around the ring, then out. OJ tries to attack, but goes out over the top rope for his troubles. Since OJ and J”B”L are going to be taking a break, looks like a good time for commercials.

Back, and yeah, it’s as you’d expect, ‘Taker is still dominating OJ. After a sidewalk slam, ‘Taker tries to cover, but J”B”L is in with a couple boots. ‘Taker takes umbrage at this and shows his displeasure by knocking J”B”L off the apron and then hitting the guillotine leg drop. Coming back in, he’s ambushed by OJ, but that ends quick and OJ is set up for the last ride. ‘Taker jerks him up, but J”B”L with the big boot to put ‘Taker down. J”B”L formally tags in and gets some offense in, but ‘Taker gets a legbar and J”B”L flails about, calling for OJ to break it up, which he does. Tag to OJ and he gets a few seconds of offense until ‘Taker turns the tide with a DDT. OJ crawls over and tag to J”B”L. Repeat pattern followed all match until J”B”L decides to get a blatant low blow. OJ and J”B”L try to double team, but ‘Taker busts out the double clothesline. Chokeslam of OJ and J”B”L is about to eat a piledriver when the Bashams are in for the distraction. After dispatching the brothers, J”B”L is there with a clothesline from Hell. ‘Taker Zombie situps, so he gets a belt shot. The quadruple team is on. After a minute or so of beatdown, J”B”L grabs the title, shoves it in ‘Takers face, and proclaims that ‘Taker will NEVER have it. Fade out, WWE Logo, and we’re outta here!

Well, hype machine could still be set a little higher for Armageddon, but at least they have a card and one more week to build up the feuds. Oh, and no Heidenreich!

See ya next week!



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RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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