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Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself
February 11, 2005

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Hey, what do you know? As of this writing, this marks my second year of recapping for Online Onslaught. Kind of hard to believe that two Christmas’s ago, I was just putting up my thoughts on the forums, and now I’m one of the most respected recappers on the internet! What? Why’s everyone laughing?
Anyway, next week is my annual pilgrimage to Crystal City in Arlington for Katsucon, so I sha’ant be joining you, but I’ll be back in two weeks, so fret not, gentle reader, you won’t be without Big Danny T for long.

Anyway, on with the wrasslin!

WWE leader, Opening, and we are LIVE

(taped) from the Saitama Super Arena in Tokyo, Japan. Later tonight, we’ve got a couple tourney matches, but first…

“Viva la Rasa!” Eddie Guererro is out with a Chevy Impala! Did they import that for him?

His opponent: Kenzo Suzuki. There’s no hometown welcome for Kenzo from the fans. Tazz and Michael Cole suspect it’s because of his “I love America!” act.

“Eddie” chant to start, and this drives Kenzo nuts. Eddie looks like he’s trying to make peace to start, but he really just suckered Kenzo in for a cheap right to the head. Kenzo gains control with power offense. Eddie has a couple rights, but gets knocked down with a weak shoulder block. Kenzo covers, only gets two, so he slaps on a rear chinlock. Kenzo putting on the Vulcan neck pinch, but Eddie is up and elbowing his way out. A quick strut and a big right hand knocks Kenzo down. Kenzo into the corner, and Eddie with a kick to the gut, and he hits the 3 Amigos. Eddie up for the frogsplash, but Kenzo meets him up top and crotches him. Kenzo throws a couple rights, and attempts a superplex, but Eddie fights his way out and Kenzo hits the mat. Eddie back up, and one frogsplash later, Eddie is the winner.

Backstage, and Kurt Angle is having a moment with Team Angle. Kurt predicts victory against Rey later, but wishes SOMEONE had softened him up like Kurt asked. Jindrak tries to apologize, but Kurt tells him to shut it, because they DID so something right last week by causing there to be no winner in the ‘Taker/DuPree match. Luther says that Undertaker is nothing. He then goes off about how he’s had his throat slit ear to ear, he’s been stabbed in a prison riot, He’s been covered in so much blood you couldn’t tell his race, and he spent 5 calendars in 23 hour a day lockdown. He’s stared death in the eye, he’s not afraid of any caskets, and he sure as hell ain’t afraid of no dead man. Kurt stands in awe at Luther’s promo, and then says that that’s the intensity he wants. Luther nods, and as they head out, it’s time for commercials.

Back, and after a Rewind to last week featuring ‘Taker getting screwed, Mark Jindrak and Luther “Buttercup” Reigns are out to take on the Basham Brothers for the Tag Titles.

Doug starts with Jindrak. Shoving match to start, and Doug takes Mark down and rains down blows to the head. Doug off the ropes but gets a knee to the back, courtesy of Luther. Tag to Luther, and Doug just gets manhandled all over the ring. After a couple big cross corner whips, tag to Mark. Mark slams Doug down, hits a couple elbows, then Gyrates for the crowd. He took to long too showboat, and misses the third, tho. Tag to Luther and as they double team Doug…

“BONG!” The lights go out, and when they come back, Undertaker is standing in the ring behind Jindrak and Reigns (The Bashams have bailed.) Luther talks trash for a second, and then shoves Mark in to be the sacrificial lamb. Undertaker chokeslams and hits the last ride on Jindrak, meanwhile Luther has bailed and is watching from the safety of the ramp. After Mark’s decimation, Luther and ‘Taker stare down, and we are off to commercials.

Back, and a quick recap shows us that the John Cena had fun in Japan.

After this, Joy Giovanni is in the ring with the T-Shirt cannon.

We take a quick look at the #1 contenders tourney, and backstage, Kenzo asks Hiroko if she’s ready for her kimono match against Torrie. Hiroko can’t wait to get her hands on Torrie. She promises to grab her, throw her down, and tear her clothes off, exposing her naked body to the world. With every point in the description, Kenzo gets more and more excited, until Hiroko catches him with his thoughts and chastises him.

Elsewhere, John “Bradshaw” Layfield still can’t believe that he’s going to have to fight in a barbed wire steel cage. He’s got a plan, tho, and pulls out the tranquilizer rifle and says he has intentions of using it on Big Show. He hands the rifle to Amy Weber and as he goes off to get ready for whatever, Amy plays around with it and the door opens behind her, nudges her, and she accidentally pulls the trigger. It’s Orlando Jordan, and Joy has accidentally shot J”B”L with the dart. Amy and Orlando tend to him as he starts to get woozy and we go to commercials.

Back, and Torrie is getting ready for her kimono match.

In the arena tonight, Akebono, the only non-Japanese grand champion in sumo wrestling history.

Funaki is out to defend his Cruiserweight title against Chavo Guererro. The fans are MASSIVELY behind Funaki. I would have marked hard for a “Kai-En-Tai” chant, but it’s just cool to hear the Funaki chant.

They start with a lockup, and after breaking, Chavo tries to get a “Chavo” chant going, but the fans just go for Funaki. Chavo acknowledges it and they go in again. For a minute, they mat wrestle and when the break, the crowd is like, “OMG! Workrate!” Funaki gets the fans to give Chavo some props, and when he goes in for another respect handshake, Chavo takes that opportunity to get a quick European uppercut and take over. Chavo brawling Funaki down and keeping in control. Chavo locks in the octopus (which Tazz reminds us that Antonio Inoki made popular.) Chavo lets him go, kicks him in the gut, and does a sunset flip, which Funaki rolls through and hits a dropkick. Funaki back and hulking up, Iblockyourpunchyoudon’tblockmine, and hitting a flurry of offense that ends with an enziguri. Funaki going up top, but Chavo runs up to meet him and hits a standing superplex. Cover only gets 2. Chavo with a body slam and gory special, cover, 1-2-NO! Funaki getting his wind back, and after a quick knockdown on Chavo, Funaki up top, Chavo turns around, and Funaki hits the jumping tornado DDT. Funaki covers, 1-2-3! Funaki retains, and the crowd goes wild!

Backstage, and Carlito is bragging about his keeping Theodore Long back in the states to a JP. J”B”L stumbles on the scene and is apparently channeling Roscoe P. Coltrane. Orlando shows up and tells J”B”L to stay where he is while he has his match against Cena. Orlando heads out, and J”B”L gets into an argument with an inflatable Godzilla.

WM21 Movie moment: The Canadian Connection interviews Stacy about her relationship with Trish Stratus, Basic Instinct style. “Ever engage in sadomasochistic activities?” *Benoit and Jericho stare at Christian * “Just asking.” And after they’re finished with Stacy? Moolah and Mae Young induce vomiting. 3 for 3, WWE! At least you’re doing SOMETHING right.

John Cena is out, and he raps about the similarity that Orlando Jordan’s initials have to a certain celebrity that made white Bronco’s famous. The crowd barely reacts until he says, “Word Life.”

Match starts with Orlando getting some fisticuffs in, but Cena turns the tide with a hip toss and fishermans suplex. Cross corner whip for Orlando, but he gets a boot up for a charging Cena. Orlando with the boxing jabs, then dropping elbows. Cena up, but Orlando hits a powerslam for 2. Orlando with a rear chinlock. Cena powers up, but Orlando stops that with a belly to back suplex. Orlando methodically taking Cena down with high elbows and kicks. Cena comes back with a chop across the midsection. A brief flurry of offense, and Cena hits the inside slam. After a quick, ‘You can’t see me,’ Cena hits the 5-knuckle shuffle, pumps it up, and hit’s the F-U and covers for the win.

You see, that’s what’s wrong with Cena: they never give him any actual buildup for his comebacks. Like in this match, he just came out of nowhere and in 30 seconds, he put away a guy that had been beating him down for the previous 5 minutes. It’s not that we don’t want Cena to be pushed, but he needs to be pushed BELEIVABLY. Oh yeah, and dispense with the poop and gay jokes, please…

Back from commercials, and Orlando is apologetic about losing his match… But J”B”L is gone. Nobody’s seen where he went, and the Bashams and Amy show up and start the search. Amy laments that it’s all her fault.

Torrie Wilson is out for her Kimono Match against Hiroko. Man, Hiroko is HOT when she’s pissed! Just the set of that sneer…

Torrie starts with an attempt at a respect handshake. Hiroko looks to accept, but then throws salt in Torries face! Hiroko on top and laying in the beat down, but Torrie changes things up with a clothesline. Torrie gets some halfway decent offense in (a baseball slide, a few shoulders in the corner) and after an airplane spin, simply undoes Hiroko’s obi and strips her of her kimono, revealing a scorchingly hot bod underneath! Hiroko comes to, realizes what’s happened, and lets out a wail and dashes towards the back. Torrie goes to leave the ring as well, but then decides to send the Japanese fans home happy, then strips herself of her own kimono, showcasing a nice little bra and panty set.

Torrie is exiting the ring, but is stopped when she sees J”B”L and he’s dragging “Godzilla” to the ring. Oh god, this is going to hurt…

Back, and in the ring, John “Bradshaw” Layfield has Godzilla set up in the corner and is challenging him to a fight. In his tranquilizer haze, he strips, and is getting REAL embarrassing silence until…

“Weeeelllll!!!” The Big Show is out. J”B”L falls on his butt, then hands the mic off to Big Show, saying he’ll leave “you two dinosaurs to talk.” As he pulls his pants up, he looks like he gets an idea and drunkenly swerves around and motions for Big Show to meet him. Big Show steps in, clearly not wanting to take advantage of a drunken man, but J”B”L surprises him with a right and a Hades Lariat. He calls for his cabinet, and it would appear the J”B”L just swerved us all. The Bashams set Big Show up in the corner as J”B”L goes for a chair. J’B’L swings and misses as Big Show powers out. J”B”L knocked off the apron, double chokeslam for the Bashams, hanging chokeslam for Orlando, and as Big Show stands in the ring, J”B”L retreats and we’re off to commercials.

During the break, Big Show grabbed the mic and describes the awful things he’s going to do to J”B”L in the barbed wire cage. Being the king of the segueways, he says that there is only one man in Japan that can relate to being a giant, and that’s Akebono. Big Show says that he wants Akebono in the ring, because he wants to see what a Grand Champion is made of. Akebono obliges, and they stand face to face until Big Show offers the handshake. Akebono takes it, Big Show raises Akebono’s arm, and the fans go wild.

Backstage, and Rey is getting ready for his match when Kurt walks in. Kurt tells Rey to not get his hopes up, that a little jumping bean like him doesn’t have a chance. Rey gets pissed and says that everyone always underestimating the little guy, thinking he’s a joke. “Well, tonight, after I beat you, Kurt, the joke’s going to be on you!”

Commercials. Juicy drop pops. No, no rave drug culture insinuation there, none at all.

Video package: The rest of the Smackdown roster says what a great time they’re having in Japan.

Back, and Kurt Angle is out for his #1 Contenders tournament match against Rey Mysterio (W/ 619 cam.)

Bell rings, they circle, and Kurt ties Rey up in the ropes. After the break, Kurt grabs an arm wringer, and arm bars Rey down. Switching to a hammerlock, and Kurt tries to get Rey’s shoulders down, but Rey kicks out, Kurt grabs a bear hug, Rey elbows out, and they split. Kurt grabs another arm wringer, but Rey gets a whip, dodges a couple clothesline attempts from Kurt, then hits a rapid fire series pf punches to Kurt’s Midsection, only to get taken down with a knee. Kurt with the whip, Rey reverses with a head scissors, and gets a drop toe hold to set up for 6-1-9. Kurt dodges, and they face off again. They lock up, and Kurt gets a headlock takedown and holds Rey down like that. Rey is able to get up, but Kurt hits a shoulderblock. Kurt with a sunset flip, but Rey rolls through and hits a dropkick. Rey gets a 10-punch count along in the corner, but cross corner whip is reversed and Kurt grabs an over-the-head belly-to-belly suplex. Both men down as we go to commercials.

Back, and Kurt is firmly back in control with a headlock. Rey jerks into action and after grabbing the ropes off a whip, low bridges a charging Kurt to send him tumbling to the floor. Rey follows up by getting up top and hitting a cross body from the top turnbuckle to the floor! Kurt and Rey back in. Kurt whipped to the corner, but he dodges a charge and grabs a German suplex. Kurt with the cover, Rey kicks out. Kurt covers again, Rey kicks out again, Kurt again, Rey again. Kurt stands on Rey under the ropes, then puts him in the corner and throws some shoulders into Reys back. Belly to back suplex, and Kurt working on Rey back with knees and wrenching him around. Rey elbows out and goes for a body scissors, but Kurt grabs him, gutwrenches him around, and gets a bridge for a few pin attempts. Kurt holding the gut lock, Rey elbows his way out, goes for a springboard moonsault, but Kurt grabs him and hangs him in the tree of woe. Kurt with a few shoulders to Rey’s midsection, but when he goes for the charging shoulder, Rey sits up and Kurt eats ringpost. Kurt outside, Rey hits a baseball slide into a head scissors. Both men back up, and Rey controlling with a couple dropkicks and a tilt-a-whirl into a body press. Rey with a drop toehold and going for the 6-1-9, but Kurt grabs him and converts it into an ankle lock. Rey makes the ropes, so Kurt goes for the Germans. He hits one, but Rey reverses out and throws Kurt into the ropes. 6-1-9 finally hits, but Kurt catches him when he tries to drop the dime. Kurt pops him over and tries for an angle slam, but Rey reverses into an arm drag. They counter each others moves and get a series of near falls until Kurt finally hits the angle slam. The shoulder straps come off, and Kurt grabs the ankle lock. Rey tries to twist out, but Kurt gets down to the mat and grapevines the leg. Rey, seeing no other choice, taps out. Kurt holds the lock for a few more seconds, and then lets go. Kurt stands victorious, we get a quick shot of the tournament brackets showing Kurt all the way to the finals, fade out, WWE logo, and we are out of here.

Ok, another fine effort from the Smackdown folks. They tried hard to put on a good show for the Japanese crowd, and mostly succeeded. I could have lived without the ‘J”B”L drunkin' stumbling’ bits, and I’ve already bitched about Cena’s match, but all that was made up for with the Great-for-TV Funaki/Chavo and Angle/Rey matches. I really hope that they give Luther a good show of dominance against Undertaker, but I have a feeling that he’ll be a sacrifice at No Way Out so that ‘Taker can look good going into Wrestlemania. It’s a pity, because Luther’s promo tonight was spot on and the kind of stuff that some wrestlers can base a career on.

Eddie/Kenzo, the Tag title match, and Torrie/Hiroko were good for what they were supposed to be, just some good filler, and you can show as much Hiroko skin as you want, WWE, I’ll never complain!

I’ll be taking next week off, so see ya in two weeks!



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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