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Will JBL Kiss the Blarney Chair?
March 18, 2005

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Go Me!

Well, now that Spring Break is over, Im sure that all 4 of my loyal readers are simply chomping at the bit to find out how Im doing with my triumphant return to academia.

Well, in History of Photography Im doing well, probably hovering around a B+. Well see how my professor likes my essay on the Touch me Im Sick exhibit. In English 111, Im kicking all kinds of ass. The last 3 essays that Ive written have all gotten 90+ and Im acing quizzes left and right. Im probably also helping my own 

case by being the answer man for my class (I.E. whenever the professor asks for the classes thoughts on something, Im usually the one to speak up, and I usually get it right.) I think Ill end up with at least a low A if I keep this up.

Ok, that should get me down past the ad (or at least far enough down that its not as annoying) so lets get on with the wrasslin!

WWE Leader, and we go straight to the opening (who is that shadowing Rene DuPree has he does one of the steps in the Gay, Gay dance of French Manliness?) and we are LIVE on St. Paddys day in Savannah, GA. Last week, John Cena acted like a spoiled child, and later tonight, Young Randall and The Undertaker will have a contract signing.

BUT FIRST! Kurt Angle is out and while the Rockers Reunion was cool, its time to teach Shaun Michaels a lesson via Marty Jannetty.

Marty is out and hes not in the Rockers gear, but thats ok. He puts his gum on the ringpost after we see footage of him hitting the Rocker Dropper on Monday. Big Marty! chant to start.  Lockup, and Kurt forces him to the corner. Lockup again, and they chain wrestle. Jannetty with the head scissors, Kurt breaks out and misses an elbow drop. Jannetty gets a hiptoss and controls for a second before Kurt backs up and gives him a grudging sneer. Lockup, Marty taken over and Kurt holds the headlock. Marty back to his feet, Kurt hits him with a shoulderblock, then back to the headlock. Marty rolls Kurt over a couple times, but Kurt rolls back. Jannetty powering up, off the ropes, gets Kurt with a hiptoss and holds the armbar. Knee to the bicep and they reverse the armbar a couple times. Kurt forcing Marty to the corner, they break. Jannetty going in but Kurt gets the advantage and they mat wrestle some more. Kurt trying to get the upper hand, but Jannetty matching him move for move. Kurt tries to dump Jannetty out, but Jannetty skins the cat and as Angle chases, Marty grabs him in a leg scissors and pulls him out of the ring. Jannetty up top and he delivers the flying double axe handle from the top to the floor! Big pop from the crowd and we go to commercial.

Back, and Kurt is applying the abdominal clench. During the break, Kurt rammed Marty into the ringpost to take over. Kurt hits a couple suplexes, but cant keep his shoulders to the mat. Backbreaker, then he applies the body scissors. Kurt pulls Martys head into a chinlock, but Marty is able to get free and elbow to the gut gets him out. Small flurry of offense is interrupted with a belly-to-belly. Kurt goes for the angle slam, but Jannetty gets an armdrag to reverse. Cross corner whip and Kurt dodges a charge and hits a German suplex. Kurt locking in the ab clench again. Jannetty trying to kip out, but Kurt holding on. Kurt steps up and locks in a rear chinlock. Kurt trying to cover, but Jannetty not staying down. Jannetty with some wicked elbows, then a DDT! Marty! chant gets him to his feet, and Marty with the rights, then a big flying elbow to put Kurt down. Kurt gets a boot up for a charge, but Jannetty hits the spinning heel. 10-punch countalong and Kurt tries to put Marty into a powerbomb, but Marty just converts that into a hurricanrana! Marty up top, and flying cross body almost goes wrong ad Kurt rolls it over. Reverse sunset flip gets two. Marty goes for a kick, but Kurt catches it. Jannetty hits a reverse enziguri to get out. Marty looking to brawl Kurt down, but Kurt grabs the ankle lock again. Marty rolls out of it to send Kurt flying into the corner. Marty picks Kurt up and set shim up for the Rocker Dropper, but Kurt hits a chop block and applies the ankle lock. Marty struggles valiantly, even teasing us with a couple escapes, but Kurt drops to the mat and grapevines the leg to make his hold ironclad. Marty struggles, resists, teases a tap once, struggles some more, then finally taps. Kurt releases the hold immediately and both men are exhausted. Kurt rolls out of the ring and holds his arms high. Marty is still on the mat, but has nothing to be ashamed of. Awesome match.

Backstage, Teddy Long is ready to tell us on the disposition of John Cena, but not until after the break.

Back, and after seeing Torrie Wilson hobnobbing with the fans in the St. Paddys day spirit, we cut to backstage where Theodore Long has the camera and says that while its a pleasure to serve the fans, he cannot allow anyone, not even John Cena to lay his hands on him. John Bradshaw Layfield interrupts and basically cant wait to hear that Cena has been suspended. Well, Teddy, is NOT going to suspend Cena, but informs him that if Cena even touches JBL, then he will forfeit his title shot at Wrestlemania. JBL likes this. Teddy says that the touching rule doesnt count from bell to bell in the ring. JBL doesnt care, as long as Cena cant touch him and is about to take his leave when Teddy makes a 6-man tag match. Yeah, itll be the Bashams and Eddie/Rey on opposite sides of the ring, but in the SHOCKING SURPRISE that everyone sees coming, JBL will be on the Bashams side, and Cena will be joining the Tag Champs. JBL is of course not pleased with this development, and Teddy is pleased as punch. Great, so thats how you get ahead on Smackdown: assault the general manager; get put in next weeks main event.

Elsewhere, Chavo happens upon Eddie as hes getting cleaned up. Chavo tells Eddie that hes not the man he used to be. That by putting himself in the tag division, hes holding himself back, and Rey is doing the same. Chavo pokes the sore spot that is Eddies 0-fer record against Rey and says, What, you cant beat him, so you joined him? Thats now the Eddie I know. If you are going to keep lying to yourself like this, you might as well not call yourself a Guererro anymore. This pisses Eddie off and he tears up the locker room for a bit before taking a long hard look at himself in the mirror.

Back from Commercials, and Mr. Paisley, AKA Booker T is out to take on Luther Buttercup Reigns. Hei! Den! Heidenreich! is out and he and Booker are locking gazes. Heidenreich is simply there to provide expert commentary, tho. After Booker tells Heidenreich that hed better stay right there, bell rings, match starts with a lockup, followed by Booker hitting a series of chops on Luther. Booker hangmans Luther on the top rope, but Luther no-sells and gets a big boot to put Booker down. Luther with the head vice, and Heidenreich is silent, except for his heavy breathing. Luther with a couple clotheslines, and then locking in a rear choke. Booker powers up and hits a few elbows, then hitting a belly to back suplex. Heidenreich grunts his approval at this, and Booker lays in with some more chops. Booker with a spinebuster, and Heidenreich implores Luther to get up. Luther ducks a spin kick, but Booker connects with a superkick. Booker with the Harlem sidekick, cover, 1-2-3, and Booker takes home the duke. Heidenreich is not pleased as Booker gets out of the ring, kisses his new bride at ringside, and heads up the ramp. Heidenreich gets up, and has a poem for Booker. He rambles on about how hes going to show the world the real him, and thanks Booker for giving him the chance to do so. Booker gives him the, Youre crazy sign and we go to commercials. Oh god, please dont let this signify the start of Booker/wacky tag team partner 05.

Just when I thought these Truth anti-smoking ads couldnt get more retarded, they do this stupid sitcom idea. I dare ANYONE to point me to ANYONE that either quit smoking or decided not to start as a direct result of this campaign.

WM21 spot with Kurt and Christy. When I first saw this one, I thought that Kurt was Luther!

Back, and in the ring, Teddy Long has taken the ring and is hyping the greatness that is a cross promotional match. He doesnt get far before Im Bad! kicks in and Eric Bischoff hits the ring. He takes the mic from Teddy and predicts that Raw will dominate Wrestlemania 21. He predicts HBK winning, and then moves on to gush over Undertaker vs. Randy Orton! And that as good an excuse for the sound guy to hit Theme from Dumb Guy and here comes Young Randall. He has an enthusiastic handshake for Eric, but gives Teddy barely a touch. Eric tries to shortchange Takers intro, but Teddy snatches the mic back and introduces the Wrestlemania 12-0 Phenom, The Undertaker!

Bong! and in the haze of blue light and fog, here comes the Undertaker. In the low light, I cant see if Randy is trying to convey, Im not afraid of you or, Oh shit, what have I gotten into? but hes failing on both counts. The lights come up and Taker takes his side of the table. Eric tells them to make it official, and Undertaker signs his line first. Randy picks up the contract, stares at it dumbly for a second, and then picks up the mic. He tells Undertaker that he has nothing but respect for him, but soon, very soon, Undertaker is going to be 12-1 at Wrestlemania. He tells Undertaker to look in his eyes and says that hes different from the 12 (actually 13, unless they arent acknowledging that A-Train tagged with Big Show 2 years ago) men that Taker faced before, that hes not afraid, that he REFUSES to be afraid. He reiterates that hes not afraid and you can see him searching for his lines. He finally remembers and as he signs the contract, he reminds us of his nickname, Legend. * writewritewrite * Killer! He then looks back up, locks into Undertakers gaze, and then slaps Taker across the face. So much for having nothing but respect. Undertaker stops, lets it sink in, and then with hands shaking in anger, he removes the hat and this causes the arena lights and Smackatron to go haywire. Randy is freaked out and he heads up the ramp, but as he gets to the top, Taker calls down the twin bolts of lightning. Randy shits his pants and we go to commercials.

Back, and we get a Hulk Hogan memory of his bodyslam of Andre the Giant, and in the crowd, Miss Jackie is throwing beads to the fans.

Out to the ring, and The Barbarian Paul London is out to FINALLY settle the score with Thug Life Billy Kidman.

Lockup, they struggle for a second, the break. Billy teases a test of strength, but he gets a kick to the gut and tries to do something, but Paul flies all over him and gets a near fall off a sunset flip. They trade moves for a minute or so before Paul tries to springboard in, but Billy catches him with a dropkick to send him tumbling to the outside. Billy out and dragging Paul back in. Billy going to work on Pauls back with the surfboard and kicks. Billy choking Paul out on the ropes, hits a vicious kick to the back, then locks in another surfboard. Paul is able to twist out, flips Kidman over, and then hits a drop toehold into the turnbuckle. Paul with a kick off the rope whip, head scissors, dropsault, cover, only gets 2. Kidman gets the better of Paul and sets him up on the top rope and going for a superplex, but Paul fights him off, shoves him off, then hits the 450 splash! Cover, 1-2-3, and Paul takes the victory.

Backstage, and a harried vendor is barely keeping up with his clientele when he taps his co-worker on the shoulder. Carlito Caribbean Cool looks up from his newspaper with a What? The vendor tells him to help out, so Carlito gets up. The next customer in line is a young moppet wanting a hotdog. He hands Carlito a $20 and Carlito hands him a hot dog, but pockets the $20. When the kid asks for change, he squirts him in the face with the ketchup bottle and steals his hot dog. When the next guy in line protests, Carlito spits the hotdog in his face, tells everyone to get lost, and returns to his newspaper.

Stone Cold is coming to Wrestlemania! Just thought Id let you know.

Michael Cole is in the ring, reminds us of the SCSA news, and then brings out The Big Show to talk about his upcoming match against Akebono. Michael runs down the tale of the tape, and then throws us to some archive footage of Akebono showing us how sumo is done. Big Show is impressed, and when Cole asks him how hes preparing, he says that he respects Akebono's credentials, BUT come Wrestlemania, hes going to find out that Big Show is the one person on the planet that he cant push around. Play his music, and we go to

Backstage, where JBL is pacing and Orlando Jordan is trying to reassure him, that hes the world champion and Cena cant touch him. JBL has a lightbulb go off, says he needs a witness, and they head off as we go to commercials.

Back, and after the Raw Rebound, Dawn-Marie is celebrating ST. Paddys day with the fans. Shes having a grand old time until she sees Michelle McCool daring to be in the same arena as her. A few harsh words are exchanged, and the catfight is on. The refs pull them apart, and Dawn screeches for them to get her out of here.

Cole and Tazz run down the Wrestlemania card, and JBL and Orlando have found Cena. He goes up and gets in Cenas face, telling his should be in awe by standing in front of the wrestling God that is JBL. He then switches up and says he hates rap, then calls his mamma a cow (or was it a slut?) He then goads Cena and tries to get him to hit him. Cena maintains control, and tells JBL that hes as stupid as he looks. Cena isnt going to hit him, but in 5 minutes, the bell is going to ring, and hes going to beat! JBLs! A* beep!* SS! He walks off and we go to commercials.

Back, and we get the Playboy spot with Christy Hemme.

Back live, and John Bradshaw Layfield and The Bashams (W/ Orlando Jordan) are out to take on Viva la Rasa! Eddie Guererro, Rey Mysterio, and John Cena. Cole says that Mysterio should leave the 6-1-9 cam running so that we can have video footage of what Cenas going to do to JBL. Gee, I dunno, dont you think that the WWEs own cameras would be adequate enough for that?

Cena comes out last with new theme music. He charges the ring, jumps in, the bell rings, and hes going directly after JBL. JBL gets away and Danny Basham becomes the object of his wrath. Cena brawls him down for a bit, then tags Eddie in. Eddie with some basic offense, back body drops for both Bashams, and as Eddie and Cena stare down JBL (Im sure Rey was staring him down as well, but he didnt get camera time), we go to commercials.

Back, and Eddie is in control of Danny Basham. He tags Rey in gets a quick springboard cross body, but its face in peril time, and Rey starts getting beat down. JBL comes in to get some offense in, but Rey gets a dropkick to the knee and dives for the tag to Cena. Cena in and JBL is out. Cena tells him to get back in, but JBL likes it outside, so he drags Danny in and beats on him for a bit. Tag to Rey, and we repeat pattern from last time. Rey gets a surprise head scissors to send Danny into the ropes and after hitting a hangman on Doug, he hits the 6-1-9. Before he can hit the west coast pop, tho, Doug yanks him off the apron and smashes him into the barrier. Rey back in, and the Bashams taking turns on him, beating him down and hitting a couple tandem moves. Rey fights back and as hes trying to get the tag, Doug lures Eddie out of the corner and its time for everyone to GET ROWDY! JBL and Cena meet up and it ends with Cena dumping JBL out of the ring. Somewhere in the confusion, Rey is able to dropt he dime on Doug and he gets the pin. During all this, JBL has slingshotted Cena into the ring steps, but Cena sidesteps a chair shot. And while Rey celebrates with Eddie (who looks a little less than enthused that Rey got the pinfall), Cena grabs the chair and is threatening to go after JBL with it. JBL, for some retarded reason, starts begging Cena to NOT hit him with the chair, to think about the Wrestlemania match (The bell has rung, ending the match, so if Cena pastes him, hes out of the main event. Translation: JBL should be BEGGING Cena to hit him with the chair!) Cena stands menacingly over JBL for a bit, then reverses and takes Danny Basham out, who was looking to sneak attack. He hits him a couple more times for good measure, whirls around on JBL for one last threat, then throws the chair away and makes his way back up the ramp. Fade out, WWE logo, and we are outta here.

Good show tonight. The Angle/Jannetty match was all kinds of awesome, its nice to see them give the cruisers a bit of acknowledgement and let us know that Paul London is going after the cruiserweight title (but they havent told us if theyll be facing off at Wrestlemania or if itll be a throwaway match on some future Velocity.) Chavo continuing to plant the seeds of doubt in Eddies head was good, and I liked the Booker/Luther match, for as short as it was.

The bad/off? I said before, and Ill say it again: I seriously hope that Heidenreichs poem tonight doesnt signify the beginnings of another beautiful friendship between Booker and the freak of the week. The Orton/Undertaker signing wasnt too bad, but for some inexplicable reason, it looked like they were still trying to have Orton play the babyface. Or maybe its just that his dick heel and cocky babyface personas or indistinguishable from each other. Something had better happen between Big Show and Akebono soon, and I dont mean another Big Show promo saying how much he respects Akebono. Fly Akebono over for at least one free TV appearance so that we can get it re-established what Big Show is taking on here. And what did Cena get for FU-ing Teddy last week? Not a 1-week suspension where he could have run in and surprised us. Not an ostensible fine. Not even a slap on the wrist. Teddy goes and gives him the thing that got him FU-ed last week: the match against JBL. And I already touched on the retardedness of Hit me! /Dont hit me! JBL.

Hot show to start, cooled off as the night went along, and I wouldnt be surprised to see that the ratings reflect that.

See ya next week! 



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