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Of Gay Affairs and Terror Cells:
This is the NEW SmackDown!
July 8, 2005

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


WWE leader, and I’ve been magically transported to Raw for some reason. Oh wait, they are simply showing the results of Cena going to Raw, and Batista coming to Smackdown.
We go live (taped) to the Arco Arena in Sacramento, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield is in the ring, and he is complaining that he got screwed last weekend by not being awarded the championship after winning the 6-man in favor of Batista's drafting. While he rants about Batista’s time being up, we get a disclaimer crawl across the bottom of our screen that parents should use discretion over their

kids viewing tonight due to some content. I shake my head because I know exactly what it means.

As he rants some more, His music hits, and he’s perplexed. The limo rolls out, and who gets out? The bWo! But tonight, they are the cabinet: John “Blue” Lamefield (Blue Meanie), Bash-me (Nova), and Blue-wheat (Stevie Richards). J”B”L tells them that they will not embarrass him on national TV. Stevie says that he did a good enough job of embarrassing himself at ECW one-night-stand. J”B”L retorts that they are losers, and that Blue Meanie could tie him to a tree and not whoop his ass in a week. J”B”L calls them crybabies, singles out Blue Meanie as a fat p*beep*rick and says to get in the ring because tonight’s lesson is free. Stevie holds Meanie back and says that tonight, the bWo are officially on Smackdown! and they are going to leave their mark. To J”B”L’s protestations, Meanie tags the limo with the bWo logo, raspberries J”B”L, and as Tazz and Cole gush over the upcoming Meanie/J”B”L match, we head to commercials.

Back, and Chris Benoit and Booker T are out for a #1 contender match for the US championship.

They lock up, break in the corner, lock up again, and they exchange hammerlocks. Chris gets a hip toss and they circle again. Lockup, and Booker forced into the corner. Benoit with the knife-edge chops, and a snap suplex. Chops, and Benoit gets a dragon leg whip. Benoit powers booker into the corner again, and fires away with some more chops. Whip across the ring, and Booker reverses and hotshots Benoit’s neck on the ropes. Boot to the head (yaa yaa!) and Booker covers for two. Benoit fights up, gets a few elbows, but Booker comes back with a high knee, and follows up with a superkick. Cover gets two, and they brawl for a second before doing a reversal sequence that ends with Benoit grabbing a German hat trick out of nowhere. Benoit goes up, but Booker meets him up top. Slugfest ensues with Booker winning it and hitting the superplex! Booker struggles over and covers for two. Booker tries to work a Fujiwara armbar, but Benoit escapes and locks in the crossface. Booker tries to resist, but he’s tapping quick.

Backstage, Sharmell is mildly upset over her husbands loss, but is suddenly scared out of the shot by Orlando Jordan who shows his concern with having to face Benoit by keeping the same stone cold expression on his face as he always does. As Benoit leaves, we are sent to…

The review of the new and potentially disturbing storyline between Eddie and Rey. Please god, don’t let it be a gay (literally) or Eddie is the real father deal as the payoff. We go to commercials.

Back, and backstage, Rey (W/ his new hoodie towel) enters Eddie’s locker room. Rey tells Eddie to reconsider his decision, saying the Eddie has done some pretty low stuff in the past, but this ranks right up there. Eddie is perplexed, but when Rey says he doesn’t want to tag with him tonight, Eddie wonders why Rey would have a problem with it, seeing as how they are partners and all. But, Eddie will go out by himself if he has to. Oh yeah, and he’ll just have to let slip that little secret that Rey is desperate to keep quiet. Rey acquiesces and Eddie wears a self-satisfied smirk.

Muhammad Hassan is elsewhere with Theodore Long and he is unhappy with the treatment he has received. He says it’s his destiny to liberate the World title. Teddy asks if Hassan is so dedicated, then why did he run from the undertaker last week? Daivari tries to retort, but Teddy cuts him off. He says that he hears them, and makes a match at the Great American Bash: Hassan vs. The Undertaker. Divari starts ranting again, and Teddy says that he can have a match tonight as well: Divari vs. Undertaker! They are understandable put out by this as we go to commercials.

Back, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield is out to take on The Blue Meanie (W/ The bWo). Meanie taunts J”B”L about the tagging of his car earlier, and rolls into the ring. J”B”L starts it off with a big boot and pretty much dominates from there. Meanie out of the ring, J”B”L beats on him some more outside, Meanie back in. Meanie gets a flurry of punches, but J”B”L beats him down. Nova taunts J”B”L, so he gets out of the ring and levels him. Stevie tries to intercede, but J”B”L has a beat down for him too. He bounces Stevie off the ropes, and then throws a steel chair into the ring (Tazz informs us at this point that this is ECW rules). Meanie tries to pick it up, but J”B”L boots him down. Stevie has sneaked in behind J”B”L and LEVELS him with a chair shot. Meanie grabs him and hits a Meanie-T. Meanie then goes up tot the top rope: MEANIESAULT! Meanie covers, 1-2-NO! J”B”L kicks out. Meanie whips him off the ropes, but J”B”L comes back with a clothesline from hell. J”B”L looks to finish the job when Batista slides in and hits a spinebuster! Meanie dragged over for the cover, 1-2-3! Meanie wins! As Meanie celebrates, J”B”L bleeds and we go to commercials.

Back, and MNM are out to defend the Tag Team Championships against Eddie Guererro and Rey Mysterio. Rey is most definitely not happy to be here tonight. Eddie tries to pep Rey up, but he’s having none of it.

Eddie and Mercury start and Eddie starts off by tearing into him. Eddie holds Mercury and tells Rey to tag in. When he doesn’t immediately do it, he tells him to think of Dominic. Rey tags in and goes to work on Mercury. After working for a couple minutes, Eddie is tagged back in and he hits the three amigos. Eddie back up to hit the frogsplash. Eddie covers, and on the third count, he pulls Mercury up. He calls for Rey to tag in and says that he wants him to cover. Rey covers, but Mercury kicks out. Rey gets his standard offense in, culminating with an attempted 6-1-9, but Eddie grabs Rey and throws him down. After this, he leaves Rey to the wolves and Rey catches 5 minutes of beat down at the hands of MNM. Finally, they set him up for the snapshot, but Rey fights them off, and after a Tornado DDT, sets Mercury up for the 6-1-9. That hits, and he drops the dime. Cover, and since Nitro is nowhere to make the save, here comes Eddie to stomp his own partner in the head. The Ref tries to pull him off, but Eddie just keeps wailing away. Finally, he takes his place in his corner, sitting across the corner while Mercury whales away. Mercury doesn’t take his eyes off Eddie during this whole deal, not even when he covers. MNM pick up the duke.

After the match, Eddie gets in Reys face, threatens to tell their little secret, slaps him around some, and then makes him hold the ropes open for him. Rey seethes and Eddie smirks sinisterly as we go to commercial.

Back, and after the Raw Rewind, Christian has been cornered by Steve Romero. Christian says he should have won last Thursday, but he was screwed over by Booker. He boasts that he’s the first person to main event both Raw and Smackdown in history (Well, at least since the brand split.) he then says that he’s going to prove himself in tonight’s main event against Batista!

Up next, Daivari against the Undertaker. You know, Daivari’s animation makes it look like he’s chewing his nails…

Back, and hey, wasn’t he cut? Matt Morgan is in the ring to take on William Regal. Regal doesn’t even make it out of the entrance ramp before he’s interrupted by the Mexicools. They pass him by and park their John Deere next to the ring, then surround it. Looks like Matt Morgan is tonight’s sacrificial lamb. They all jump in and they use their quickness to dodge Matt’s big man offense, and Psychosis comes in with a rake and hits him from behind. A double dropkick, leg drop, moonsault, and triple baseball slide later, and Matt is out of the picture. Through all this, we get reaction shots from Regal basically going, “Well, I’m certainly glad “I’M” not in there!” After Matt is kicked out of the ring, Juvi grabs the mic, and says the same thing he’s been saying for the past three weeks. Ok, we get it; you guys are Mexican and pissed off, let’s start seeing some actual ring action. How about, oh, I dunno, Juvi vs. Paul London at full speed? Just a suggestion…

Backstage, and Daivari is nervous. Hassan is there to tell him that yes, tonight he’s a sacrifice, but it’s for the greater good, and this sacrifice will not be without its rewards. Daivari remains unconvinced.

Back, and Daivari (W/ Muhammad Hassan) is out to take on The Undertaker. Hassan is in the middle of giving Daivari his pep talk when the lights go down…

“BONG!” Here comes the Dead Man. Undertaker in the ring, and Daivari doesn’t want to go. Hassan tries to talk him in, but when that fails, he physically throws him in. Hassan tries to beg off, but Undertaker grabs him in a goozle, and chokeslams him. He locks gazes with Hassan who is staring back defiantly, so to put the punctuation on things, He picks Daivari up and tombstones him. He covers and the pin is perfunctory. Hassan then goes to his knees and calls to the heavens…

…And the heavens respond with 5 guys in desert fatigue pants, black shirts, and black masks. Undertaker fights them off for a few seconds, but when one of them comes in with the rubber billy club of doom and puts ‘Taker down. One produces a garrote and they choke ‘Taker out. Afterwards, Hassan is in the ring and he slaps on the camel clutch. When Hassan tires of this, he had the black masks carry Daivari to the back.

Back from commercials, and moments ago, the WWE went the way of bad taste. Not because of what happened in London today, as this was filmed before then. No, this is bad taste all around.

But enough of that, it’s main event time!

Christian is out to take on Batista (non-title match up.) I don’t know if this is an actual break in the music, but Batista’s pyro caused the music to mute for a few seconds. Nice.

Christian tries to attack to tart, but Batista fights him off easily enough. After a few fruitless attempts at offense by Christian, Batista goozles him and tosses him out of the ring. From here, we go to commercials.

Back, and Christian hangmans Batista and he reaches out to drag him in. Christian can’t get much more beyond that, tho and Batista levels him with a hard right hand. Christian getting beat down some more, and he bails. Batista follows and hoists him up to ram him into the ring post, but Christian wriggles out and shoves Batista into the post instead. This gives Christian the opening he needs and he bounces Batista’s head off the ring steps. Back in the ring, and Christian uses every dirty trick in the book to keep Batista off balance, and gets a DDT. Christian punches Batista in the face and locks in a rear choke. Batista fights up and shoves Christian into the corner, but eats a boot as he charges in. Christian up to the second rope and hitting a dropkick. Cover gets 2. Christian with some more offense then goes for the unprettier, but Batista breaks it, picks Christian up on his shoulders and hits the electric chair. Both men down and getting a 10 count. Both men up at 8, and fisticuff exchange is won when Batista grabs Christian and slams him spine first into the corner. Christian gets out and tries to get a cross body, but Batista catches him and hits a front slam. Christian staggers to his feet and then eats a spinebuster. Batista then gives us the thumbs down, drags Christian up, and then hits the Batistabomb. 1-2-3 and Batista wins his first Smackdown match (Without having the “Deacon” honorific in front of his name.”

After the match, J”B”L and Orlando Jordan try to sneak attack, but Batista is too much man for the both of them. He had J”B”L ready for a Batistabomb, but Orlando breaks that up. This has the net result of Orlando eating the Batistabomb (after J”B”L shoved him into it so that he can get away.) Batista turns his attention to a scared shitless J”B”L outside the ring and as he yells for him to get in the ring, we fade out, WWE logo, and we are outta here.

Mixed bag this week. The bWo and Batista were very entertaining, as was Booker/Benoit. I still have a jones for them to recreate the “Best of 5” series they had while both of them were chasing the TV title back in WCW (and have Orlando be the chickenshit instigator throughout), but I’ll take what I can. The bWo was a big markout for me, and I hope that this wasn’t just a single shot deal. I mean, come on, the sheer “Holy Shit!”-itude of Blue Meanie hitting a top rope moonsault is worth the price of admission alone. Oh and Nova? Grow your hair back out.

On the flip side, we have two great big potential for suckiness, tho. First up is the Rey and Eddie angle. I’ve said enough for you guys to know my feelings on this and as of now, there is no satisfying way to end this. I mean, if they do the “Gay lovers” or Eddie is really Dominic’s father thing, then that will suck balls, but any other ending will be a let down as well, because I can’t think of anything else that Rey would be so adamant about keeping secret about.

Secondly is this whole Hassan terror cell thing. Even without the bombing in London, this is a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD idea. Hassan was already walking a tightrope being the Arab Heel in this day and age, but the inclusion of a terror cell? That is just bad taste and lazy and ignorant Hollywood storytelling. I hope this was a one-week deal and Hassan will just go back to being the race card pulling dick we’ve all come to know and boo.

Anyway, there’s your show, folks. Take the good, try to ignore the bad, and keep on truckin’.

See ya next week!



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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