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Telemundo Soap Opera Promo Theatre
July 15, 2005

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Ahhh, Thursday. The weekend is in sight, you’re over the hump, and sometimes, you find really goofy stuff like the Transforming Citroen
ad. I gotta say, This rocks! Yeah, I know that I’m probably about 6 months out of date to be current with this, but shut up, I need to show my inner geek a bit (As well as try getting past the ad that seems to be getting bigger and bigger with every passing week.) I mean, really, does anyone else notice that I’ll put a big preamble in and

recently it still takes a novel to get down past it? Maybe I’m imagining things, I dunno, but I think I’ve killed enough space for tonight’s purposes.

And now, on with the wrasslin’!

“In light of recent world events, Smackdown advises that viewers use discretion when viewing tonight’s episode.” Oh goody, could they be warning us of more Black Mask shenanigans?

WWE leader, and Last week, J”B”L threw down the gauntlet and got beat by the Blue Meanie (With a little help from Batista.)

WWE Opening (Goody! Michelle McCool is now prominently featured! I like Michelle. She makes me feel funny. Like when we used to climb the rope in gym class…) we have Pyro and we are LIVE!(taped) from Woo.. Wor.. Worch… That town just outside of Boston, Mass.

“Can you feel the heat?” Eddie Guererro is out and scowling at the fans. Crowd is still in that “how do we react to him?” mode. They finally halfheartedly settle on boos with a few cheers until Eddie mentions that Rey Mysterio isn’t going to be here tonight, and they brought on the heat then. Eddie says that just because Rey took the night off, he says that’s not going to stop him from humiliating him. It doesn’t matter if he is gone, He can still make him do what he wants, whenever he wants. You see, Eddie knows a secret, a secret that Rey doesn’t want the whole world and ESPECIALLY Rey’s son Dominic to know. He sends us to footage from last week of Eddie being a dick to Rey, making him hold the ropes, etc. Eddie says that what he had planned this week makes what happened last week look like an ice cream social, but since Rey isn’t here, he has to change his plans. He thinks for a second, and then decides that it’s time to reveal THE LITTLE SECRET! He demands that Tony Chimel give him his chair, gets comfortable, and tells Dominic to have Rey take his hands off his ears. He settles in and says that a loooooooooooong time ago, in a land far, far away, one day, He and Dominic went out to the woods to play. And while they were playing…

Eddie is distracted by something at the entrance ramp. Is it Rey? Is it Teddy Long? Is it Chavo Classic? No, it’s Eddie’s wife Vickie and his kids. Eddie stops cold, and then tries to get them to go to the back. Vickie is headstrong and refuses. Eddie gets out of the ring and goes face to face with her, and after asking nicely has no effect, he tries getting aggressive in telling her to go back. She snatches the mic from him and she starts entreating him to not reveal this secret, whatever it is. She says that it could hurt everyone they know. Eddie has heard enough, snatches the mic back, grabs her by the hair and starts dragging her to the back. We go to commercials.

Back, and backstage, Eddie has calmed down somewhat, and telling Vickie to take care of the girls. She is telling Eddie to calm down and forget about the secret. Eddie brings the kids to the car, sits them in the back seat, and tells his wife to leave. Hardcore Holly makes his appearance at this point and tries to be a voice of reason. Eddie plays along for a second, and then shoves him off. Eddie whirls around and puts his wife in the car. As she drives off, Eddie apologizes to his kids and then stares Bob down.

Back to the ring, and Cole and Tazz are talking about what just happened when the Mexicools are out to take on Paul London, Scotty Too Hotty, and Funaki.

Paul is starting for his team and wants Juvi, but Super Crazy attacks Funaki to start. Got a small but vociferous, “Lu-cha Li-bre! * clap-clap-clapclapclap!* chant going in the crowd. Funaki off the ropes and into a Tilt-a-whirl head scissors to start. Crazy tags to Psychosis and he runs right into a hiptoss. Funaki tags Scotty in and they look for a double clothesline on Psychosis, but he grabs the rope to stop himself and then points to his temple to indicate his superior Mexican wrasslin intelligence. Scotty does the arm wave and Funaki follows through and then shakes it off with a, “What the hell was that?” look on his face. Psychosis tries to attack at this point, but he’s put down with a pair of straight jabs to the face. Scotty takes over and gets a couple hits on Psychosis’s face before Super Crazy kicks Scotty in the head. As he’s laughing, Scotty lays into him. Psychosis grabs the ref for a mid match pow-wow and Juvi comes in and sends Scotty through the turnbuckles into the ringpost. Psychosis turns around, drags Scotty out, and tags Juvi in. Juvi springboards in over the top rope, and Scotty is now YOUR face in peril.

Juvi (who apparently prefers to be called The Juice and Tazz and Cole argue this point all through the match) controls with an arm bar. Scotty fights up and off the ropes gets a sunset flip, but Juvi rolls through and dropkicks Scotty in the mush. Juvi back to the armbar, then tagging Psychosis in. double drop toehold, followed up by a double dropkick to the head. Psychosis picks Scotty up and rams him into Crazy’s foot. Psychosis working Scotty over in the corner, and then tagging Juvi in. Juvi with a couple more shots to the chest, but Scotty fights out, only to get beat down again. Tag to Crazy and they try to double team, but Scotty ducks the clothesline, and as Funaki drags Crazy out, Juvi eats a flying forearm. Outside, Crazy rams Funaki into the barricade, taking him out. In the ring, Juvi and Scotty are down and Scotty is crawling to make the tag. Juvi grabs and tries to stop him. They tease a couple of near tags, but finally Paul is tagged in and is a Casa en Fuego as he clotheslines Juvi down, knocks down Psychosis and Crazy in the corner, and back body drops Juvi in the ring. Dropsault for Juvi, leg lariats for Crazy and Psychosis, and Paul turns his attention back to Juvi. Juvi gets a slap across the chest, Paul responds in kind, and sends Juvi to the corner. Charge is met with a boot to the face, and Juvi charges into a double arm overhead suplex. Paul up and dragging Juvi to the corner, but Psychosis is up to distract. Scotty takes care of him, but Crazy is on the other side and he bulldogs Paul into the top rope. He follows up with the jump-springboard-moonsault combo. Juvi drags Paul to the corner and indicates that he’s going to go up himself. Juvi has Paul set up, gets on the top rope, and lets fly with a 450 splash. HOLY SHIT! As he comes down, His knee catches Paul across the face, looking like it destroys his nose. Paul covers his face and Juvi grabs the 1-2-3 quickly. The Mexicools do their taunting, but stay back as trainers rush to the ring to see to Paul. As Paul is worked on, the Mexicools get back on the lawnmower and head out as we go to commercials.

Back, and Christian is talking up Boobies McTitsalot (That one’s for you, Rick and Erin!) about the happy coincidence that they were on Raw and now they are on Smackdown. When blatantly hitting on her doesn’t work, he then tries the, ‘Hey, I’m one of the most respected performers in the locker room and all these kids keep asking me for advice” tack. Booker is there to call bullshit, and tells him that if he wants to be respected, you’ll have to earn it, in the ring, later tonight! Booker and Sharmell take their leave, and Candace has a light chuckle at Christian’s expense.

Elsewhere, Josh has Batista, and we get video of J”B”L getting powerbombed last week. Josh wants to know Batista’s thoughts. Batista says that he’s a student of the Game. Even when he was on Raw, he still watched Smackdown! every week. And amongst the things he’s learned, is the J”B”L is a bully. Well, Batista knows how to deal with bullies, and he says that J”B”L has another thing coming if he thinks he’ll ever take the World title from him.

Elsewhere, MNM are walking when Milena sees someone. He goes up to Torrie who is about to sign an autograph and shoos the fanboy off. Milena looks at the magazine Torrie was signing and sees it has Torrie on the cover advertising the Great American Bash. She says, “Cute.” sarcastically and tosses the magazine away. Milena says that she’ll expose Torrie for who she is: an old, washed-up, has-been. Torrie ups the stakes a bit, and makes it a bra and panties match, and Milena says that they’ll do it at Great American Bash. They get in each others face a bit more, and then it’s off to commercials.

“Hei! Den! Heidenreich!” We’re back and Heidenreich is power walking to the ring. Before he can find any friends, tho, MNM are out to apply the beatdown. They get Heidenreich down and Milena grabs a mic and says that Heidenreich doesn’t have any friends and tells them to finish him. Joey and Johnny signal for the snapshot. Joey hoists Heidenreich up but they are interrupted…

“Whaaaaaaat a RUSH!” Holy Shit! It’s Road Warrior Animal! He hits the ring, tosses the shoulderpads, and proceeds to mop the floor with MNM. As MNM bail, Animal grabs a mic shills the DVD, and says that he’s heard that there’s a team in the WWE that calls themselves the greatest tag team that’s ever stepped in a WWE ring. Well, he just had to come and see, and he sees nothing but a couple of green punks. Joey grabs a mic and tells Animal that if he wants a fight, then at Great American Bash, he can challenge for the Tag Titles. Johnny, “Oh wait! He can’t do that, because his partner is dead!” Animal stops cold, but before he can go charging after them, Heidenreich half grabs him/half tackles him and holds him back. Animal tells him to let him go, but Heidenreich tells him that he’s his friend, and he wants to be his friend at GAB. Animal can’t believe it at first, but he turns around and accepts, and now it’s on: MNM vs. Road Warrior Animal and Heidenreich at GAB.

Back from commercials, and earlier tonight, Eddie was a bad father and shoved Hardcore Holly around.

“Can you feel the heat?” Eddie Guererro is out to take on Hardcore Holly.

They lock up, break in the corner, and Hardcore slaps Eddie across the face. Another lockup, and Eddie forces Hardcore into the corner and hits a chop. Hardcore ducks out and give Eddie some of the same. Hardcore brawls with Eddie for about 30 seconds and Eddie changes things up with a Greco Roman eyepoke. Eddie with some more chops, but Hardcore comes back with a BIG chop of his own and as Eddie bails, we go to commercials.

Once again, we are warned to use discretion when watching tonight’s episode.

Back, and Holly is in control, and armdrags Eddie off the ropes. Hardcore with the arm bar. He picks Eddie up and throws him into the corner. As he goes in, Eddie drop toeholds him into the turnbuckle. He chokes Holly on the bottom rope for the 4 count. Eddie locks in a leg lock around Holly’s head, but Holly works Eddie up and hits the electric chair. Fisticuff exchange ends with Eddie eating a clothesline and a series of 2 counts. Eddie tries to get away, but hardcore sets Eddie up for an Alabama slam. Eddie won’t let go of the ropes, so Holly converts it into a gut check. Eddie bails and Holly follows. Holly gets a couple knife-edge chops, but Eddie reverses a whip into the ringpost. Charles Robinson tries to get them back into the ring, but Eddie ‘accidentally’ pokes him in the eye. Eddie working Holly over outside, and then rolls him back into the ring. Eddie then goes looking under the ring, and comes up with a lead pipe. He comes back around and blasts Holly in the knee with it. Holly screams and Eddie ditches the pipe just as Charles gets his sight back. Eddie back in the ring, and he applies the Texas Cloverleaf on the bad knee. Holly can’t do anything but tap out at this point. Holly is rolled out of the ring and Eddie grabs a mic.

Eddie tells Vickie he’s sorry, and he tells his kids that he loves them. He pauses, and tells the schmucks in the audience to shut the hell up; he’s apologizing to his wife. He turns around, and says a long string of epithets that are bleeped out. After his outburst, he says that he heard what Vickie was saying, and has a proposition for her: AT Great American Bash, if Rey beats him, then the secret will be locked up, and Eddie will never speak of it again. But if Eddie wins, then he gets to finish his bedtime story to Dominic. This draws boo’s and Eddie leaves. Commercials.

Our Great American Bash memory of the week is Sting defeating Ric Flair for the WCW Championship in 1990. That’s cool, but I think they should have started this a couple weeks ago.

Back, and Muhammad Hassan’s Attorney is out to read a prepared statement. He looks a little too wrestlery to be a lawyer, but OK. He gets in the ring and introduces himself as Thomas Whitney, ESQ. Muhammad Hassan has been under a lot of stress in the past week, and he has taken a leave of absence. He says that Hassan has the same rights everyone else in the arena (boo’s) and says that he will not be appearing on Smackdown (Cheers) until he beats The Undertaker at the ironically titled Great American Bash. He tries to talk more but…

“BONG!” Here comes The Undertaker, full ring entrance in effect. There goes the jacket, there goes the hat, and after he stops rolling his eyes, he gives Whitney a, “Just what the fuck are you talking about again?” look. Whitney tries to beg off by saying that he’s not a wrestler, he’s an attorney, but Undertaker goozles and chokeslams him. For extra effect, he is picked up and Tombstoned for his troubles. As Whitney is looked after in the ring, Undertaker makes his exit and we are given a graphic for Booker vs. Christian, UP NEXT!

“Can you dig it, Sucka?” Booker T (W/ Sharmell) is out, but before he can even make it to the ring, Christian pearl harbors him and beats him down around the ring, hitting him on the ringposts and steps. Finally, Christian rolls him into the ring and Referee Nick Patrick keeps Christian off of him until Booker can at least get to his feet. The bell is rung, but Christian is right in with a kick to the gut and hitting the unprettier and covering for the 1-2-3.  Christian gloats, and we are off to commercials.

You know, every time I see a commercial for “The Island” and I see that giant red R falling off the building, I can’t help but yell, “Team Rocket blasting off again!” Yeah, big anime geek, that’s me…

The Boogeyman is coming to get you! Oh please, please, please, please let this be the WWE debut of Disco Inferno!

Back, and Orlando Jordan (W/ John “Bradshaw” Layfield in full ring gear for some odd reason) is out to take on Batista in a “Champion vs. Champion but neither title is on the line” match. J”B”L has a mic, and he is embarrassed because last week, with Batista’s help, he lost to a fat kid. He hangs his head in shame and says that last week will go down in history as the day that J”B”L lost to * long sighing pause * the Blue Meanie. He goes on about how Batista won and defended the title against a man, but he’ll see what happens when he goes up against a wrestling god. What I found funny was during all this, Orlando just had a look of, “What? Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be interested in all this.” Oh yeah, and we’re off to commercials…

Back, and Here comes Batista! J”B”L tries to get in his face, but the ref shuns him off. J”B”L leaves, and Orlando tries to sneak attack, but that’s like shooting Mongo, it only makes him mad. Man, Batista’s pyro puts out a LOT of smoke. Batista controls for the first minute or so, but Orlando gets a kick off the ropes and J”B”L trips Batista up from the outside. That gives Orlando an opening and he decides to start working the left knee. A couple elbow drops and he sits on it a few times then goes for a leg bar. Batista fights his way out, but Orlando shoves him into the corner and as the ref pulls him off, J”B”L wraps his knee around the ropes. Orlando goes in and gets a few kicks in. The ref pulls him off and J”B”L takes this time to wrap Batista’s knee around the ring post. Orlando back in and locking in a leg lock. Batista fights out and shoves Orlando off, getting a back body drop to swing the momentum in his favor. Fisticuff exchange ends with Batista picking up Orlando for a powerslam, and despite his knee giving him troubles, he’s able to hit it. J”B”L tries to interfere, but Batista has a right hand for him to send him off the apron. Orlando tries to rush batistes, but he sidesteps the charge and Orlando gets tangled up with the ref and they both go down. Orlando back up and he stumbles into a spinebuster (also with Batista showing off the weakened knee.) Batista goes nuts, hulks up, and goes for the powerbomb, but J”B”L is in with the steel chair to knock him down. J”B”L grabs Orlando’s arm, rolls him over onto Batista, and goes to revive the ref. The ref turns over, counts one, counts two, counts NO! Batista gets a shoulder up and J”B”L can’t believe it. J”B”L in the ring and looking for a Hades Lariat, but Batista beats him up and shoulderblocks him down. Orlando gets similar treatment and Batista is finally ready for the Batistabomb! No thumbs down for Orlando, but Batista hits it despite still being wobbly. Batista covers, and it’s 1-2-3! J”B”L is back up, tho, and this time, the Clothesline from Hell hits. J”B”L grabs the belt, and holds it up over Batista’s prone body. Fade out, WWE logo, and we are outta here!

Fine show tonight. They have the GAB card all set up and ready to go with a week to build interest. The matches: Mexicools vs. London/Hotty/Funaki was good, but it seemed to me that Juvi and Paul were a little sloppy tonight, especially with that match ending 450. I’m not too sure about the Heidenreich/Animal pairing, but it should be an interesting match at the PPV, if anything but for the nostalgia. I hope they pull off the doomsday device. Christian vs. Booker will probably lead to a PPV blowoff. Eddie vs. Hardcore was very good, and the main even was one of Batista’s better (non-PPV) matches. Orlando is no Benoit, but I liked how Batista sold the wearing of the knee all through the match. Storylines: Eddie’s ‘secret’ is sounding a little less gay now, and throwing his wife in to plead Rey’s case was a nice touch. Christian now has a new goal: make people respect him. Hopefully this does him well. J”B”L has one up on Batista now, so let’s see how this dynamic pays off next week. Let’s hope with a Batista/Benoit vs. J”B”L/Jordan match.

See ya next week!



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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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