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SD! Proudly Presents:
The Return of the Wrestling
July 22, 2005

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Well folks, I got some bad news.
Over the past year, I have decided to get off my duff and start attending College. This has been all fine and dandy, but this coming semester I’m getting serious about it and going full time. What does this have to do with you, you ask? Well, in my quest to become a more rounded individual and not work in a warehouse or in retail for the

rest of my life, I am taking 12 hours of classes, and unfortunately, 3 of those hours will fall on Thursday nights, from 7-9:50. I could simply record Smackdown, but that would mean that you wouldn’t be getting the recaps until Monday, as I wouldn’t be able to get to them off to Rick until Friday night, or not at all as I’m in much more of a “Fuck it!” mood on Friday nights than I usually am during the week. To do that to my 4 loyal readers would be a disservice to all of you and would tarnish the fine reputation of Online Onslaught that Rick has built up. So I think it’s best that I go ahead and call it a career as a Smackdown Recapper, retire on top, etc. It’s been a great 2½ years and I’ve appreciated every piece of mail, both positive and negative, that you guys have sent me. Hopefully Rick will be able to find someone that can fill the void that I’ll be leaving.

Anyway, I think that is enough to get down past the ad, so on with the Wrasslin!

“The Following was paid for by the Supporters of J”B”L” What follows is a recap of the hostilities between J”B”L and Batista, Heavy on the J”B”L hitting the Hades Lariat on Batista last week. He proclaims that he is a wrestling God, and later tonight, he will be giving us a preemptive victory speech in anticipation of him winning the title from Batista on Sunday.

WWE Leader, Smackdown opening, and we are LIVE (Taped) from Baltimore, Maryland and Rey Mysterio is out to kick us off with some action. His opponent is Super Crazy from the Mexicools. The rest of the gang is nowhere to be seen. Oh wait, here they are, on their own lawnmowers and armed with rakes.

Rey controls to start with arm wringers. Crazy gets a leg sweep, but Rey comes back with an arm drag. Test of strength and Crazy gets a leg sweep. Rey monkeys himself up, into a body scissors/arm drag to send Crazy flying. Crazy with a hammerlock, Rey tries to roll out, but Crazy rolls with him and keeps it on. Rey runs up the ropes, jumps into a head scissors, and that gets Crazy off him. Crazy tries to brawl, but fall for a drop toehold and ducks out before the 6-1-9 can hit. After a brief chat with Juvi outside, Crazy back in and hitting a spinebuster on Rey. Crazy pounds away in the corner, and stands on Rey's head on the top turnbuckle. Cross corner whip, and Rey dodges a charge, sending Crazy through the turnbuckles and into the ringpost. At this point, Eddie Guererro is out to do… what? We’ll find out after these commercials.

Back, and Eddie has joined Tazz and Cole on commentary. As Rey controls Crazy, he tells us that he’s doing all this because he loves him and wants only the best for him. Cole says it looks like he’s enjoying all this, and Eddie fesses up that manipulation is his new addiction. During all this, Crazy has taken advantage of a distracted Rey and is controlling now. Crazy tries to ram Rey’s face into the turnbuckle, but Rey fights out and tries to go up, but Crazy is back with a beat down. Crazy trying for an electric chair, but Rey fights out. He goes for a rollup, but Crazy stops him and locks in a swinging surfboard. Crazy drops him but continues wrenching his arms back. As Cole and Tazz irritate Eddie to the point of him telling them to shut up, Rey backkicks his way out of the hold. Crazy down in the corner, but as Rey tries to move in, Crazy grabs him and pulls him into the turnbuckle. Atomic gut drop, and Crazy applies the abdominal stretch. Rey tries to fight out, but Crazy hits a powerslam. After strutting around, he goes back in, but Rey is up with a dropkick to put crazy down. Rey and Crazy up and exchanging rights. Rey switches up with a kick and knocks Crazy down with a clothesline, the follows up with a cross body. Cover gets 2, and after crazy gets drop toeholded into the corner, another cover gets 2. Crazy has a little juice in him left, and he hits a guillotine leg drop and the springboard moonsault. After only getting 2, he tries to whip Rey around, but Rey gets a flying head scissors, setting Crazy up for the 6-1-9. He spends too long playing to the crowd, tho, and Eddie jumps up, grabs a rake, and plasters Rey with it. This draws the DQ, of course, and Eddie leaves Rey lying.

“Paid for by friends of J”B”L.” public service ad comparing J”B”L to George Washington.

Hmm, what to go see tomorrow: “The 6th Day part Deaux (The Island)” or “Macross Plus: the Live Action movie (Stealth)?”

Back, and backstage, Eddie is cornered by Theodore Long. Short and sweet of it is Teddy doesn’t like that Eddie interrupted Rey’s match, and says that Eddie will have a match later, against a mystery opponent. Eddie scoffs and heads out.

Elsewhere, Josh Matthews has Christian cornered, and asks him what his feeling s are about facing Booker T at Great American Bash. Christian sends us to some quick footage of his sneak attack last week on Booker. Back, and Josh wonders if he’s worried that he may have just angered Booker with that attack. Christian calls Josh “Ryan Seacrest” and says that he’s not worried about facing Booker. He says Seacrest out, and we are off to…

Road Warrior Animal is applying the last of his makeup when Heidenreich comes up with a poem. Basically, he’s stoked to be Animal’s partner, and can’t wait to capture the Tag titles from MNM at GAB. Animal laughs and says that Heidenreich is more like Hawk than he thought. Heidenreich goes, “What a rush!” and we are off to commercials.

“Paid for by friends of J”B”L.” public service ad comparing him to Neil Armstrong.

Back, and Road Warrior Animal and Heidenreich are out to take on two guys. The longhaired one is dispatched quickly, and the Chris Masters look-alike eats a doomsday device with Heidenreich doing the flying clothesline part. Cover is perfunctory, took longer to type the previous two sentences than the match actually took. Backstage, MNM are worried, and in the ring, Animal and Heidenreich embrace.

Raw rewind. I don’t bother with these.

Back from commercials, and Eddie Guererro is out to take on…

OMGWORKRATEChris Benoit! Chris is in the ring and Eddie is saying, “Fuck this!” and bailing out. Chris tries to calm him down and says to get back in the ring. Chris just wants to know what’s going on and Eddie doesn’t want to talk. Chris gets him in the ring and just wants to talk to Eddie. Eddie shakes his head and tries to leave, but Benoit pulls him back. As he’s telling Eddie that he loves him like a brother, Eddie whirls on him and clocks him. Ref rings the bell and Eddie immediately goes for a chair. Ref grabs it away from him and while he’s disposing of it, he hits a low blow and covers Chris. This only gets two and Eddie brawls Chris down for a minute until Chris is able to get a suplex out of desperation. With both men on the mat, it’s time for commercials.

Back, and Chris Benoit has taken control and is chopping away on Eddie. Cross corner whip, but Eddie stops a charging Benoit with a knee to the midsection. Eddie follows up by wrapping Benoit’s knee around the ringpost, the opposite way. Ouch. Eddie controls after this with methodical offense, then locks in a leg bar. Benoit makes the ropes, so Eddie has to break, but Eddie is right back in with kicks to the back. Eddie with the spinning toehold. He can’t quite get it in, and Chris pops up, reverses it, and tries to apply the sharpshooter. Eddie wiggles his way out and kicks Benoit’s bad leg. Eddie going for a Texas cloverleaf, but Benoit is fighting it, and is able to roll over to the ropes. Eddie slams Benoit, tho and goes up for the frogsplash. Benoit meets him and tries to fireman’s carry him off, but Eddie resists, so Benoit decides to chop the shit out of him and add a few headbutts for good measure. Benoit then grabs Eddie and hits the superplex! Benoit up top, but Eddie rolls out of the way of the flying headbutt. Eddie gets up and rakes his boot across Benoit's head (he’s busted open at this point) and sets him up for some chops. After two, Benoit reverses positions and lays in some chops of his own. Benoit slaps Eddie around the ring and Eddie tries to beg off, but he gets a Greco-Roman eyepoke. Benoit sells this, but then locks in and hits the hat trick Germans. Benoit up top again, and this time the flying headbutt hits! Cover, but Eddie has his foot on the ropes. Benoit tries to drag Eddie to the center of the ring. Eddie fights, so Benoit pulls Eddie off the ropes. Benoit goes for the sharpshooter and Eddie struggles until he pulls Benoit in for a schoolboy. They roll around and Benoit ends up on top, but Eddie kicks out. After Eddie gets two out of three of the Three Amigo’s, Benoit reverses into a crossface. They are right next to the ropes, so he has to break. Eddie bails and the ref starts to count. Eddie resumes his pre match attitude of “Fuck this!” and backs up the ramp. Ref gets to 10, and Chris Benoit is the winner via countout. Eddie doesn’t care but I’m pretty sure that he does care about Rey jumping him from behind and beating the living shit out of him! The ref squad are fast to act, tho, and as they pull him off, it’s time for commercials. With the exception of the countout to end it, that was an awesome match, very much reminiscent of the days of the Smackdown 6.

“Paid for by friends of J”B”L.” public service ad comparing him to Martin Luther King (M”L”K to his friends.)

Back, and Boobies McTitsalot is out to the ring. She does her little dance and grabs a mic. She has been assigned to be the spokesmodel for letting us know that Great American Bash is free for Servicemen and women around the world. She can’t say much more before Milena interrupts. She makes her ring entrance and rudely snatches the mic from her hand. Milena can’t believe that Candace is actually refereeing her bra and panties match against Torrie Wilson. She tells Candace that her 15 minutes are up and that the godaddy commercial from the super bowl was “so last year.” She also predicts that she’s going to be victorious over Torrie this Sunday and says that she’ll give us all a taste right now with Candace and knocks her down. After wailing on her for a bit, she relieves Candace of her clothes. Torrie runs down to make the save at this point. After kicking Milena out of the ring, She and Candace dance in the ring to celebrate and it’s time for commercials.

“Can you dig it, Sucka?” Booker T (w/ Sharmell) is out to take on Simon Dean. bWo, we hardly knew ya! Simon riffs on fat people, and insinuates that Sharmell likes to visit the all you can eat buffet not once, not twice, but 5-times, 5-times, 5-times, and Booker chooses this time to start stomping a mudhole in him. Match is all Booker, and ends with the scissors kick. Booker tosses Dean out of the ring and grabs a mic. He invokes Christians name, and says that come Sunday, Christian’s fate is going to be the same as this Richard Simmons/Tae-bo wannabe.

“Paid for by friends of J”B”L.” public service ad comparing him to Ronald Regan.

The Boogeyman is comin' to getcha! I give this 4 weeks of actual TV time. Oh wait, this is the same company that keeps Chris Masters on TV beyond all reasonable human reason. I still say they should SWERVE US ALL and sign Disco inferno right now to deal out some first class tushie kickings!

Back, and Eddy and Rey are having problems, the 5-minutes recap version. From here, it’s to a rundown of the Great American Bash card. Whoa! bWo versus the Mexicools! I guess I spoke too soon earlier with Simon Dean. Hey, maybe Booker’s beatdown indicates the end of that stupid gimmick!

And back in the arena, the ring is set up for J”B”L’s big Victory speech. Orlando Jordan is out, and wow, he FINALLY has his own entrance music and not the generic theme he’s had for the past 2 years. Well, we spent too much time reviewing the card for GAB, and the advertisers need their pound of flesh, so off we go to commercials.

Back, and Orlando kicks us off by saying the at last years GAB, the greatest championship reign in a decade began, and this year, history will be repeated. Orlando is proud to introduce…

John “Bradshaw” Layfield! J”B”L is riding out on top of a convertible, getting showered with red, white, and blue confetti, and has stolen Apollo Creed’s costume from Rocky II. He is in the ring, and he reminds us that he shares qualities with the names mentioned earlier. He goes on a spiel about how America takes over countries, because we can, and because we should. He talks about how we give handouts to starving countries, yet the world still hates us because we are the richest and most powerful nation. He calls most of America cowards and says that they are pathetic for vilifying him and praising Batista. He talks down about Batista, and says that it’s only because of his good graces that Batista is on the cover of this months issue of Smackdown Magazine (on newsstands now!) But he says that next month, Smackdown magazine will look like THIS and reveals a large mockup of a cover featuring him standing over Batista with the belt and proclaiming himself the champion. He blathers on about being the wrestling God, and is interrupted by…

Batista! After setting off his pyro, he enters the ring and looks disappointed in J”B”L and his fashion sense. He grabs a mic and chuckles, telling J”B”L the he looks REDICULOUS! He asks if J”B”L actually expects people to take him seriously while wearing that? Batista calls bullshit on J”B”L’s claims to “Wrestling Godhood.” He says that J”B”L is a loudmouth and a bully, and at GAB, he’s going to expose him.  But since J”B”L has the nerve to guarantee a victory at GAB, Batista will do him one better. “In about 2 seconds, I’m going to whoop your ass!” Orlando tries to get a preemptive strike in, but Batista handles him easily. He then goes after J”B”L and pounds him down, stripping him of the hat and coat he was wearing. Orlando intercedes again for long enough to allow J”B”L a retreat and eats a spinebuster. Batista turns his attention to the magazine mockup and breaks it over his knee. He then dons the coat and hat and holds the World Title up for J”B”L (Who somehow suffered a cut under his eye) to see. J”B”L promises that Batista’s number is up in 3 days, we fade out, WWE logo, and we are outta here!

Well, that was a good show. Unfortunately, only three matches at the upcoming PPV were directly addressed (I refuse to call the Bra and Panties show a “Match”) on what was supposed to be the setup show. Eddie and Rey had their last minute hostilities, Booker and Christian sent their messages to each other, and of course, J”B”L and Batista did their little dance. All the rest of the matches on the card only got passing mentions or weren’t even revealed at all until the 9:35 rundown of the card. Honestly, this is the first time I’d even heard about bWo vs. the Mexicools, and Simon Dean would have been better used giving us a segment where the bWo attempted to make the match seem less like an afterthought. Undertaker and Hassan needed maybe one last push, even if it was Hassan coming out and squashing some jobber then getting the spooky lighting to cut off a promo. If it hadn’t been for Tazz mentioning it, I wouldn’t have even remembered that Benoit and Orlando have a match Sunday. Oh yeah, and Animal and Heidenreich said they had a match on Sunday, but it was the barest of mentions and like the bWo/Mexicools, it’s feeling more like an afterthought than anything. This was a good show, but not the best setup show. I’ll be at Hooters on Sunday, like a good little mark, and hopefully, this one will be better than last year. I mean, come on, how could it not be…

See ya next week!



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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