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Another Month of JBL
July 29, 2005

by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


No real preamble this week, except to say that you can put my vote down as “very underwhelmed” by Great American Bash. Now, it wasn’t as bad as Paul Bearer getting submerged in Concrete (Yes, it really was him getting submerged. I’ve seen people try to claim that it was just a dummy that was pre filmed and they edited it in, but no, Paul Bearer actually went through with it and allowed himself to

 be submerged in the gray stuff. I had one set of friends sitting 6 rows up and to the right of it, and another group that were 3rd row back at ringside (stationary camera side) and all of them had a clean view of the action. Immediately after the cameras went dark, techies came out and opened the cell up and hauled a very still alive Bearer out. He was gasping and had to be carried off, but yes, he really did take the plunge. It’s doubtful that it was actually concrete [popular opinion amongst my group of friends is that it was oatmeal], but once and for all, yes that was really Paul Bearer that got submerged.) Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah! Yes, GAB last Sunday wasn’t as bad as the revival a year previous, but it really did nothing to frost my donut. Most of the matches should have been Thursday specials, and nothing really stood out as worth $35 for those of you that actually paid for it (or the indigestion I got from Hooter’s food.) Will they turn it around tonight and make Smackdown compelling once again? Let’s find out! On with the Wrasslin!

WWE leader, Smackdown! opening, and we are LIVE! (taped) from Rochester, NY, and Theodore Long is already in the ring. First of all he wants to (apologize to) thank everyone that watched Great American Bash this past Sunday, And for all of those that missed the bash, “Well, playa, you missed a helluva show!” (the hell part I believe.) We have new tag champions, and Undertaker became the #1 contender. So with that, Teddy is proud to announce that the Smackdown Main Event at Summerslam will be a 1-on-1 match…

“DingDingDing!” Here comes John “Bradshaw” Layfield to be the party pooper. He says Teddy ain’t announcing ANYTHING! You see, Teddy forgot to mention the Main event, where J”B”L “Defeated” Batista. J”B”L stops for a “you suck” chant and tries to talk the fans down by saying that he’s a wrestling God and that the fans need to show him some respect! (boos) He guaranteed that he would beat Batista, and he did, and that the only reason that he‘s not the world champion because Batista got himself disqualified. He lays claim to the #1 contendership and orders Teddy to put him in the Summerslam Main event. Teddy says that J”B”L had his chance, and Undertaker is #1. J”B”L saw this coming, and says that in his contract, if J”B”L were to win but for whatever reason didn’t walk home with the title, then he is automatically the #1 contender. J”B”L blusters on that he deserves the spot, and says he’ll sue if he doesn’t become it. Teddy calls bullshit and says that in that case, we’ll have ANOTHER #1 contender match and later tonight, J”B”L and Undertaker will hook it up. J”B”L is understandably frustrated at this, but it is actually kinda fair (Undertaker’s #1 contendership is on the line as well.) J”B”L is throwing a tantrum in the ring as we go to commercials.

Gang of Roses. Yeah, I remember seeing this movie 11 years ago. It was called Bad Girls…

WWE Rewind: Bra and Panties match at GAB.

After that bit of fluffery, Here comes Christian and (A heavily taped up) Orlando Jordan to take on Chris Benoit and Booker T (W/ Sharmell) in a “let’s keep hostilities between these four up for no other reason than the main event scene is full” match.

Booker and Chris share a quick nod in the ring and both attack the heels to start. After they clear the ring of the bad guys, Booker goes out and feeds Orlando into the ring where a crossface is promptly applied. Christian breaks that up and Benoit and Orlando are starting off. Orlando leads Benoit back to his corner where Christian tags in and tries to beat on Benoit, but Benoit fires back with a chop, a hiptoss, and gets Christian down for a side headlock. Shoulders down, only 2. Benoit working the headlock, Christian fighting up. Benoit off the ropes with a couple shoulderblocks and knocking Jordan off the apron for good measure then knocking Christian down with a chop. Benoit tries coming off the ropes, but Jordan trips him up. Booker gives chase, but the ref warns him off. Christian with a couple boots and tagging Jordan in. Jordan delivers a few chops of his own. Jordan taunts Booker a couple times to draw him out and allow Christian to work Benoit over. Jordan goes for the turnbuckle, but Booker is there to pound on him and yank the bad shoulder down. Orlando crawls back to his corner for the tag, and Christian stops Benoit with an elbow. Benoit gets a quick rollup for surprise, but Christian kicks out and comes back with a clothesline. Christian holding Benoit down, tags Orlando in. Benoit gets a few shots in, but Orlando kicks him down and tags Christian back in. Christian just pounding Benoit down, and locking in a reverse chinlock. Benoit fights up and gets a belly to belly to turn the tide. Benoit with the tag, and Booker is the proverbial Casa en Fuego! Booker with a flurry of offense to put both Christian and Orlando down and hits the book-end. Cover on Christian, but Orlando pulls him out of the ring. Benoit charges across the ring to deliver a baseball slide that sends both men sprawling and we go to commercials now? Something tells me that THIS is the match that should have happened at GAB.

Back, and Booker is solidly in control. After beating Christian down for a bit, tag to Benoit and more beating down on Christian. Tag back to Booker, and Christian’s chest is turning red from all these chops. Christian tries to fight, but Booker stops that with a spinebuster. To the wild approval from the crowd, it’s time for a SPINEROONIE! As Booker goes for the axe kick, Orlando is in to deliver a STIFF clothesline and turn the tide. Tag to Orlando, and now he’s in beating on Booker all legal like. Tag back to Christian and he works a blatant choke to a 4 count. Getting cocky, he knocks Booker down again and covers for 2. Christian locking in the rear choke. Booker fights out and they dodge each other’s moves for a few seconds before Christian gets a reverse DDT. Benoit tries coming in and the ref stops him, so Christian and Orlando switch. Ref didn’t see it, so for once, the heels have to switch back out. Christian still cocky and whipping Booker off the ropes, but Booker surprises him with a spinning heel kick! Tag to Benoit and now it’s his turn to be on fire. Christian knocked down, and it’s time for triple Germans on Orlando and one for Christian just for fun. Benoit signals, and the flying headbutt hits! Benoit goes for a cover, but Christian breaks it up. Benoit dispatches him and then locks in the crossface. Christian in the ring… and then out of the ring. Orlando has no choice but to tap. Booker T and Benoit celebrate as we review Christian deciding not to help his partner a few times.

Backstage, and Heidenreich is having a crisis of morals. See, he (correctly) thinks that he can’t replace Hawk. Animal stops him right there and says that while he can’t replace Hawk, there are times for new beginnings and that Heidenreich has the same thing that Hawk had, Heart. Heidenreich is still wishy washy, but Animal says it’s time for the next step, sits Heidenreich down, and hands him a set of clippers. Heidenreich eyes them suspiciously, starts making strange noises, then applies them to his head. It’s time for commercials.

Back, and Tazz and Cole send us to the still shot recap of Rey’s win over Eddie.

Oh, and after this, Tag Team Champions Road Warrior Animal and a newly mohawked Heidenreich come out to squash Chris Hamrick and Chuck Seely. Doomsday Device on Hamrick, and that’s it.

Backstage, MNM are watching the monitor and determining thatthey need to get the tag straps back. Milena is there to inform that they are going to put a spin on things. She got on the phone, talked to Tom, talked to Britney, and they are going to get their own publicist. After learning that the Publicist is going to be a girl, Nitro and Mercury wonder if she’s hot. Well, Jillian shows up and everyone gets a horrorstruck look in their face. Jillian says that for her rematch against Torrie later, Nitro and Mercury can’t be at ringside, but she will be, since Torrie will have Candace.  Jillian introduces herself to the guys, then turns around to reveal a mole the size of New Hampshire on the side of her face. It’s rougher than the surface of Mars, and Milena grimaces when she gives her a peck on the cheek. As the girls leave, Mercury inquires to Nitro, “Well, would you?” Nitro’s expression of horror turns to wistful pondering.

Elsewhere, Rey is getting ready for his match and Dominic is there. Dominic asks Rey what Uncle Eddie’s big secret was. Rey sighs, and says that he’ll tell him when he’s older, and can fully understand. Is there hope that this is the last that we’ll hear of this? Probably not…

The Boogyman is in your basement!

Rey Mysterio is out in fashionable black with a matching mask and his son Dominic. Rey and his kid are both all smiles. First thing he wants to say is thank you, first in English, and then in Spanish…

This is interrupted by Eddie Guererro showing up and saying that at first he wasn’t going to show up, but after GAB, he just couldn’t stay away. Rey tells Eddie to stay away from Dominic and Eddie says that yeah, he promised Rey and his wife that he wouldn’t say, but guess what, he LIED! So, Eddie starts into the story, and as Rey goes to kick Eddie’s ass, Eddie speeds the story up and skips to the end: Rey is not Dominic’s real father, EDDIE really is! Rey is stopped cold, and Dominic’s expression changes to disbelief. Rey goes back to the ring and Dominic confronts Rey. Rey tries to explain, but Dominic is quickly going to tears and he takes off through the crowd. Rey runs after him and Eddie says that they should stay for the end of the story. Eddie tells the monkeys to give him a chair and he opens up the book. You see, when Eddie was separated from his wife, Eddie was doing a LOT of carousing, and in all this, one of them turned up preggers. He wanted nothing to do with it, as she had already pumped out quite a few units already. At the same time, Rey and his wife were trying hard to have a kid of their own, but apparently, Rey shoots blanks. Well, Eddie decided to be a nice guy, and when Dominic was born, he delivered him to Rey and his wife. Rey was happy, and Eddie became Uncle Eddie. The crowd is almost silent (whether it’s shock at Eddie’s dickheaded reveal or apathy, you decide) and Eddie says that he feels so much better, that it feels like there’s a monkey off his back. And if you liked this weeks episode, then you’re gonna LOVE part 2…

OK, I think it’s time WWE fired Orton and hired Dominic. In the course of that 15 minute segment, Dominic showed 4 separate emotions (Happy, concern, confusion, sad), exactly 1 more that Orton has shown in 3 YEARS! (Smarmy smug, standard heel shock, and unconvincing anger) And if Rey teaches him, he’ll probably have a more varied moveset to start than Orton, too! Oh yeah, look out Orton and Cena; the future of Wrestling is named Dominic Mysterio!

Back, and Tazz and Cole are shocked and aghast at Eddie’s despicable actions. Cole can’t even push out a coherent thought at all this, he’s so angry.

But enough of that, it’s time for TITTIES! Milena (W/ Jillian and fuzzed out thong butt during her entrance) is out to take on Torrie Wilson (W/ Boobies McTitsalot). Tazz can’t stop obsessing over the mole, much to the consternation of Cole (“Maybe it’s pulsing?” “ENOUGH With the PUS!  Call the match!”) Basic divas match. Lots of hairpulling and forearms, Milena gets and extended heel beatdown segment in the middle (and her butt keeps getting fuzzed out) until she goes up to the second rope and tries for a flying axehandle. Torrie gets the knees up, and after a couple hair tosses and clotheslines, she’s ready for endgame, but Milena rolls her up and using the ropes for leverage, gets the pin. Candace tries to tell the ref Milena cheated, but Jillian comes around and yanks her off the apron. Jillian smiles her evil smile, then they make their way back, Milena trying her hardest not to make eye contact with Jillian’s congenital unborn twin.

Backstage, The Mexicools are enjoying a little R&R in the concession area when the assistant concessions manager comes in and tells them to get back to work. Psychosis and Juvi have a laugh over this, but Super Crazy has the brilliant idea of, “Why not?” they powwow for a second in Spanish, and then decide it’ll be a hoot. Juvi grabs the cart and they head out. What nefarious actions could they be up to, find out next!

Back, and William Regal (Already in the ring) is out to take on Scotty Too Hotty. They barely get through their lockup sequence when The Mexicools are out to distribute some colas and popcorn. They generally cause a disturbance at ringside until the ref comes around and tells them to get out of there. Super Crazy throws some soda in the refs face (and he sells it like he got hit by acid) and they dispose of him. Regal pushes Scotty out of the ring to be the sacrificial lamb, but Psychosis is in the ring and saying, “oh no! You should join in!” Standard Mexicool beatdown follows, and Regal and Scotty end the night covered in soda, popcorn, and nachos.

After commercials and the Raw Rebound, John “Bradshaw” Layfield (W/ Orlando Jordan) is out to take on The Undertaker for the #1 Contendership to the World Heavyweight championship. Their combined entrances fill up this slot of TV time nicely, so it’s time for more commercials.

Back, and they’ve started the match without us. J”B”L is being manhandled by Undertaker. J”B”L goes for a headlock, and Undertaker shoves him off. ‘Taker gets a drop-toehold (!) and goes to work on J”B”L’s taped up ribs. They exchange big boots, ‘Taker gets the better of that one. More Undertaker beatdown, more concentrating on J”B”L’s ribs. Undertaker gets a blatant choke in the corner and scares the ref off when he is almost counted out. J”B”L tossed to the outside, and J”B”L gets his ribs rammed into the apron. J”B”L hung over the side, and ‘Taker gets an elbow drop, then the guillotine leg drop. J”B”L in the corner, and after a couple more shots from ‘Taker, J”B”L gets a Greco-Roman Eyepoke and unleashes a flurry of rights and boots on ‘Taker in the corner. Body slam, and J”B”L goes up top. ‘Taker with the zombie sit up and he meets him up top, and hits a superplex! ‘Taker hits snake eyes in the corner then big boots Orlando off the apron. ‘Taker turns around into a clothesline (not from hell) and as Cole yells about how the tide has just turned, we go to commercials.

Back, and Orlando is giving his boss a hand outside and rolling ‘Taker back in. J”B”L charges in on “Taker, and eats a big boot. ‘Taker back out, and goes for Old School. Cover, and J”B”L gets a boot on the ropes. ‘Taker going for the chokeslam, but after a distraction by Orlando, J”B”L gets the low blow. Ref turns around and starts the count. J”B”L and getting a DDT. Cover gets 2, and then goes for a cobra clutch. He gets ‘Taker to the mat, then goes for the cover, but that gets 2, and ‘Taker sits up. They exchange rights and ‘Taker gets a flying shoulder to knock J”B”L down. Snake eyes, then a big boot to put him down. Legdrop, and cover only gets 2. J”B”L into the corners and ‘Taker with the running clothesline. Another big boot sends J”B”L into the ref to put him down. Orlando tries to hit a chair shot, but he falls prey to a ‘Taker big boot. Orlando going for the last ride, but J”B”L gets a chop block, and then lays Undertaker out with the chair. Ref dragged over and J”B”L gets the cover, but the ref counts 1-2-NO! ‘Taker zombie situps, and after a chokeslam, he hits the tombstone piledriver. He covers, but there’s no ref to be seen (he got knocked out of the ring while ‘Taker was pushing J”B”L around just before the chokeslam.) ‘Taker goes to check, but out of nowhere, Randy Orton appears and hits the RKO on Undertaker. He is about to leave, but he comes back and pulls J”B”L’s carcass over to cover ‘Taker as Orlando rolls the Ref back in. 1-2-3 and J”B”L is the new #1 contender (again.) We fade out to Randy giving us his Smarmy Smug expression, WWE logo, and we’re outta here!

Nothing much to say about this episode. The opening Tag match was awesome, and Eddie/Rey/Dominic made for decent drama (Still not convinced that this whole storyline was absolutely necessary, tho.) I figured that the ending would be something like this, because Undertaker vs. Batista probably wouldn’t have worked without one of them turning heel. Of course, I would rather see Batista vs. ANYBODY then watch another Batista/J”B”L match, but it looks like that’s what the deal is going to be at Summerslam. Oh yes, and exactly WHO was clamoring for Orton/Undertaker 2? Everything else was just your basic “stay the course” fluff.


See ya next week!



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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