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*THAT* is No Mercy? Really?
October 7, 2005

by the Hosehead
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


And so it begins guys and dolls. Yes, after a 16 month absence the NHL is back on your television sets. Now I understand that a significant chunk of you wonderful readers couldn’t care less about the NHL, but I implore those of you out there who are fringe NHLers to give them a try. I realize it’s only been one day, but they really have improved the product and as a 

card carrying Canuck, I am legally obligated to give the NHL a plug in any and all forums possible. Now if only my beloved Calgary Flames could only take the sandbags off of their skates and win a game or 2, you’ll be talking to one happy Hosehead. Since we’re on the topic of sports, I’m on the record as saying Anaheim vs. St. Louis for the World Series. Now in a few weeks when it’s the Yankees and the Astros, I give you all permission to email me and tell me I’m an idiot, but that’s how I roll.

Opening Credits/Pyro

I’m just gonna guess that tonight SD! is being broadcast from…oh let’s say Texas. Alas I am correct. (A running theme tonight kids) So if you aren’t into the whole “Hosehead is gussying up his own ego thing” This recap ain’t for you.

Okay, the show is from Austin, TX.

Theodore and Network Guy are in the ring. Teddy announces the main event for tonight. It’s the 6-man tag match that Eric Bischoff spared us from on Monday. You know, the very 6-man tag match that *I* predicted would take place. Teddy seems to think that No Mercy is the biggest stage of them all and that if Eric Bischoff wants to show up with some RAW goons to start something, Smackdown will finish it. Ooh, Teddy just played RAW’s punk card.

Suddenly there’s music playing over the loudspeaker. The icy chill running down my back can only mean one thing. Shitty music = Randall Orton. Orton is wearing an “rko” t-shirt or as you old folks may remember it, a re-printed nWo t-shirt. Actually, it’s kinda cool. Randall says that Teddy didn’t do anything to RAW on Monday night, and in fact it was Randy himself who RKO’ed 2 legends. I guess that is a true statement. 1 point for Randy. Network Guy sucks up to Randy and says Orton has the open floor to say whatever he sees fit. He does the generic Randy Orton “I’m gonna beat you Undertaker” schtick. He also promises to “sacrifice” the legend of Rowdy Roddy Piper. Cowboy Bob grabs the mic and shows the boy how it’s done, until Roddy Piper makes an appearance. Randy says “Hey Piper, it’s not 1985 anymore”. Somewhere Vince McMahon is astounded to find this out and immediately calls for the end to the Chris Masters push. Anyway, Piper has a lead pipe and takes it out on the Ortons. I guess that makes him a… “Rowdy Piper” Oh I am hilarious. All bad joke comments can be sent to the email address above. I apologize in advance.

<Ads> Worth noting: They plugged the new Seether album and I happened to see those guys in concert last weekend. They aren’t half bad.

We’re back and Sharmell T is in the ring. Damn she’s annoying isn’t she? How the hell is she a face? I want answers dammit. She introduces her man, Booker T.

Booker T vs. Orlando Jordan

There’s a lockup to start the match. Orlando comes out on top, and does the standard cheap shot on Booker. OJ does a series of kicks and punches. I swear 38 seconds into the match, Michael Cole says “Orlando is gaining confidence as this match goes on”. Interesting analysis I suppose. Jordan applies the awesome rear chinlock of excitement. Booker elbows his way out and takes control. I can’t focus on this match because Sharmell is grating at my nerves. I say we give her the “Paul Bearer Treatment”. Who’s with me? Orlando regains control and tosses Booker to the floor. OJ follows him out and grabs a chair. Booker kicks OJ in the gut and rolls him back inside. OJ tries to suplex Booker back in, but Sharmell grabs the leg of OJ and Booker gets the “duke”. Your winner via pinfall, Booker T.

After the match, Booker notices the finish on the titantron and chastises Sharmell for cheating. Go ahead Booker, cuss the bitch out.


Mr. Kennedy is on his way to the ring. He’s in a suit. Interesting isn’t it? They announce a match between Kennedy and Hardcore Holly. Well I know why they made this match but the backstory would take up too much time in my small little review, so for the sake of simplicity, let’s say that the No Mercy card was paper thin and they needed a filler match. Kennedy shews Chimel out of the ring and now it’s time for the best part of Smackdown. Kennedy is going to be doing commentary…oh this should be a riot.

Sylvain vs. Hardcore Holly

You know if you were to look up the textbook definition of “polishing a turd” you would see a picture of Ken Kennedy doing commentary for this match…and here we are. Goddammit, Chimel called Holly the “Alabama Slamma” again. Sylvain attacks Holly before the bell. Punches, kicks and a choke. Pretty standard stuff from Sylvain. Kennedy brings up the “Spark Plugg” nickname. Bless you Kennedy. In the ring, there’s a match, but does it really matter? Hardcore Holly chops the bejesus out of Sylvain and then decided to verbally berate Kennedy. I predict that won’t end well. Holly rolls Sylvain back into the ring and does the “drape your opponent across the top rope and kick him in the sack move” and signals the Alabama Slamma. You know, his finishing move and his nickname are the same thing. That would be like Batista’s finisher being “The Animal” or Ric Flair’s finisher being the “Nature Boy”. But until next week, I digress. Kennedy gives Holly a mighty wallop in the head with a microphone. Sylvain hits some sort of face first suplex and gets the win. Your winner via pinfall, Sylvain.

After the match, Kennedy grabs the microphone and announces “Here is the loser of this match, Hardcore Holly” He makes it seem as though he’s going to repeat “Holly” but realizes that he’s just not worth it and powders out.

Backstage: Josh Matthews is interviewing Rowdy Roddy Piper. Damn, Roddy is great on the mic isn’t he? I’m not sure exactly what he said, but he runs down something about buying a hat from a Quaker, calling Bob Orton “Ace” and riffing on Bob’s seemingly always broken arm. An abrupt ending to a pretty nice interview


Hilights from the No Mercy press conference. Everywhere nobody cared

LOD ’05 make their way to the ring, but this time they aren’t alone. They are bringing Christy Hemme with them. Remember when LOD had Sunny as their manager? Me neither.

LOD ’05 vs. William Regal and Paul Birchill

Is this a title match? I didn’t see a graphic, so I’ll assume it isn’t. Animal starts and takes control on Birchill. Thanks to some outside interference Birchill in allowed to work on the arm of Animal. Animal gets to a corner and Heidenrich is allowed to get the tag. Heidenrich is a house of fire, with clotheslines, and body slams. As is custom in an LOD match, they signal for the doomsday device, but MNM make an appearance to quash that idea. Melina attacks Christy, while M or N attacks Heidenrich, who is climbing the ropes. M & N double team Animal and then give Christy Hemme the Snapshot. LOD hits the ring with chairs, but it’s too late. The winners via DQ, LOD ‘05

It looks like there’s a 6 person inter-gender tag match at No Mercy. Last week I wrote that I was not looking forward to reviewing that match because I assumed it was gonna be on SD this week. Thank the baby Jesus it wasn’t, but now if I want to see the match that I didn’t want to see on free TV, I now have to pay 34.99 to see. I think I’ll pass on that one, as Monday up here in the Great White North is Thanksgiving. I think Sunday will be a night of heavy drinking for yours truly…Unless Mrs. Hosehead puts the ki-bosh on that little plan. By the way, Rick, I feel for you on having to review *this* gem.

Backstage: Some guy runs up to talk to Eddie Guerrero. Eddie wants to talk about Monday night when he had Batista’s back. Eddie says he’s going to the ring and he’s gonna prove it again that he has Dave’s back


Eddie is making his way to the ring, as was highlighted above that he would. Eddie’s wearing a Batista shirt because he and Dave are tight. Spanish garble to start and then he claims to be the new and improved Eddie Guerrero. He still got more cheers than John Cena from last Monday. ZING! Eddie shows “WWE.com Exclusive” material. I’m not getting into that again. I’ll let Rick cover that if he so desires, but I’m done with WWE.com exclusive material. Eddie asks Dave to come to the ring. Dave obliges. After getting a closer look at the t-shirt, why does the WWE insist on writing stupid catchphrases on the back of all of their t-shirts?

Dave then shows footage of Eddie hitting him with the chair from last week. I smell dissention. Dave calls for a chair and hands it to Eddie. Dave then turns his back on Eddie and invites Eddie to hit him. Eddie contemplates it, but tosses the chair down and looks to be emotionally scarred by Dave’s mistrust. Eddie then pays the ultimate guilt trip on Dave and slathers it on so thick that he even calls Dave his soulmate. Congratulations Eddie Guerrero, you are in the Hosehead “Hall of Awesome.” Dave wants to believe that Eddie has changed, but if Eddie stabs him in the back, Eddie’s gonna get hurt. Eddie vows that he’s a changed man and tonight “Dave’s gonna get a taste of it”. OOH, very cryptic.


Raw Rebound - Steve Austin gave stunners to all of the McMahons. That’s never been done. Of note, the awful stunner to Linda was well edited to hide its shittyness. Also, HHH hit Flair with a sledgehammer in the “Oh my god, I totally saw that coming months ago, so it has absolutely no impact” moment of the week.

Randy & Bob Orton vs. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

Piper shows up with the pipe and about 40 extra pounds. Piper takes it to Randy with punches, kicks and even biting. Randy tags in Cowboy Bob and Bob hits a few punches, only to tag Randy back in. Randy chokes Piper for the standard heel 4-count. Randy rips Piper’s shirt off which shows Piper’s excess weight gain. I’ve just seen into my future. Bob wants to finish off Piper, but there was the patented “Undertaker bell gong” It was a false alarm. Piper manages to roll up Cowboy Bob for the win. The winner by pinfall, Roddy Piper.

After the match: Druids drag out a casket made for 2 people. Ooh, this is wicked eerie isn’t it? Undertaker is on the titantron and he says that since the Ortons aren’t afraid of caskets, he’s taken the liberty of showing them their future. The casket is opened and inside are 2 dummies that are the likeness or Bob and Randy. The only difference is that the Dummy Orton is slightly more intelligent. The lights go out and the Undertaker is standing behind the Ortons. They get out of dodge. I would like to point out that Undertaker broke WWE Bylaw 6278c, which states the Undertaker shall not win a match in which he uses creepy mind games. I realize that isn’t true, but just go with it because he isn’t winning this weekend.


Bobby Lashley is on his way to the ring. It’s worth noting that last week, when I said Bobby Lashley beating a jobber really isn’t the best way to use this guy, I wasn’t alone. My old friend, Paul from Mobile agrees with me and justification is all I’m looking for here people. Apparently Vince et al. didn’t get my memo however because…

Bobby Lashley vs. Eddie Craven

Have you ever heard of Eddie Craven? No? That’s because he’s a jobber. Now you know where this is going don’t you? If Eddie Craven gets 2 or more offensive moves, that’s 2 too many folks. Simon Dean makes his way to the ring and he’s sporting a cast. Turns out last week, when Lashley tossed Simon over the top rope, he broke Simon’s hand. Simon is doing squats outside the ring, meanwhile Lashley hoists Craven on his shoulders and does some squats of his own. Impressive I guess. I’ll give Lashley credit, he’s agile for a big man, and he has a nice moveset. Bobby Lashley wins with the dominator thingy quickly and quietly.


Eddie Guerrero/JBL/Christian vs. Chris Benoit/Rey Mysterio/Batista

Finally Christian gets a match not involving Booker T. My Irish eyes are smiling folks. The entrances take up quite some time. I predict you can make a grilled cheese sandwich in the time it takes to get this thing going.


We’re back with Christian/Benoit getting it on. In a wrestling sense of course. Benoit tries for a crossface early, but Christian gets to the ropes and tags in Guerrero. The peeps applaud the thoughts of Benoit/Eddie having a little brouhaha. Nice chain wrestling to start, then into a test of strength. Eddie hits a head scissors to escape the test of strength. Benoit tags in Batista. Eddie wants no part of facing Dave. Eddie and Dave do some chain wrestling, and although it’s obvious he’s been practicing, Dave looks like a fish out of water. Dave gets into his element with a press slam on Eddie, who tags in JBL. Dave tags in Rey Mysterio and we get a No Mercy preview. JBL gets the advantage early, but Rey uses his speed to take control. Eddie distracts Rey and JBL tackles Rey into the retaining barrier.


We’re back with Christian and Rey in the ring. Christian is going old school on Rey with a half assed abdominal stretch. Christian tags in JBL, who chokes Rey in the corner. JBL uses a series of power moves and tries to tag in Eddie Guerrero, who is reluctant to tag in. Rey regains control with that lifting bulldog thingy that he does so well. Rey tags in Batista and Eddie tags in JBL. Dave takes JBL apart with a spear, but is distracted. As JBL lines Batista up for the Clothesline from Hell, Eddie pulls down the top rope and JBL spills to the floor. Eddie then alerts Batista of Christian, who is on the top rope. Christian jumps and gets caught with a wicked spinebuster for his efforts. Batista makes the cover for the victory. The winners by pinfall, Batista, Rey Mysterio and Chris Benoit.

After the match, Eddie wants to shake Dave’s hand, but they are attacked by JBL and Christian. After fighting them off, Dave helps Eddie up and poses while Eddie gestures that he has finally suckered Dave into his plan. Starwipe….and we are out.



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RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
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RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
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RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
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PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
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RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
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PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
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PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
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RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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