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Mark Henry's Only Friend: 
Heavy Editing.
January 7, 2006

by Jeff J. Snider
Special for OnlineOnslaught.com


First things first: only 40 days until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.i
I love the holiday season (sorry, Bill O'Reilly) for a lot of reasons. One thing I don't love about it is the lack of quality first-run television programming. Every show goes on hiatus for the holidays, and it seems like that vacation always lasts a week or two longer than I think it should. I am back at work, so why aren't my shows back on? Of course, one "24" 

starts next weekend, and with the rest of my shows back to normal scheduling, I will once again be hard pressed to keep up.

My name is still Jeff Snider, and I am still your unofficial Smackdown recapper. Rick has been expecting help from some Brits and/or Canucks, because he would much rather post a recap on Friday and party all weekend than work on this site on Saturday. But I saw that there was no precap done this week, and I also noticed that Rick said he would probably do some OO stuff on Saturday anyway, so here I am, recapping again. Let's get it started.

Last week: Melina accused Batista of rape, er, sexual harassment, then her new boyfriend (and my arch-enemy) Mark Henry helped MNM beat Batista and Rey to take back the tag team titles.

Tonight: The tag titles are again on the line, with Batista and Rey challenging MNM in a steel cage, designed to keep Mark Henry out. Gee, I bet that will work. Also tonight, we have Match 6 of the Best of 7 Series between Benoit and Booker Orton.

As long as the only two announced matches are the same as last week, why not start this week with JBL (with Jillian Hall) talking trash before a match with Matt Hardy. Okay, sounds good. This match will be a Falls Count Anywhere, which, JBL points out, meant he can take Hardy into the crowd, into the street, out to the Internet kiosk where Hardy can type in his new website, www.GoodLordHelpMeJBLisBashingMyBrainsIn.com. Funny stuff. After JBL mentions his wrestling godliness, Hardy's music hits, and he and JBL go at it in the crowd.

Matt Hardy vs. JBL (Falls Count Anywhere)

An Irish Whip sends Matt over the barricade and back to ringside, where they fight up onto the announce table. This one isn't rigged like the one on Raw, and it actually supports a little weight. JBL is going for a piledriver, but Matt pulls his legs out from under him, knocking him down as the table collapses under the weight. This gets a two count. JBL eventually gets a steel chair to Hardy's back, and they roll into the ring for a two count for JBL. JBL goes for a powerbomb, but Matt reverses it into a back body drop, which he follows with a baseball slide and a plancha to the outside. After another two count, Hardy grabs a ladder and gives JBL a couple shots to the gut. Matt goes for a bulldog onto the ladder, but JBL reverses it and throws him into the barricade. As JBL goes to follow up, Matt grabs a trash can lid and gives JBL seven shots to the head, which results in JBL sprawled across the hood of the limo. Matt sets up the ladder next to the limo, and as he is about to hit a legdrop, Jillian grabs his leg. JBL uses the distraction to roll off the hood, grab the trash can, and bash it across Matt's back. Matt falls off the ladder onto the hood, and JBL gets a three count for the victory.

Your winner: JBL

After the match: This match had some potential before it thudded to an abrupt end, but of course, I told you this is basically a replay of last week, so we all know the match between JBL and Hardy was not the story. The Boogeyman's music hits, and Boogey comes out of the sunroof on the limo. JBL is inexplicably scared to death, and he and Jillian run down to ringside. JBL gets into the crowd, but Boogey grabs Jillian before she can make it. After a brief tug-o-war, JBL lets go of Jillian's hands, and Boogey takes the opportunity to stuff worms down Jillian's skirt. Then he boogies back up the ramp, and JBL and Jillian leave through the crowd. The folks in the crowd have this look like, "Dude, if Jillian drops worms in my nachos, I am totally demanding a refund."


Tony Chimel announces that this next match is for three falls, one against each of the three jobbers standing on the apron. Mark Henry and Melina come down, and Tazz and Cole are doubtful that even the World's Strongest Man can pull off such a feat. My wife and I are wondering how many wrestling moves Henry will use in the three matches, so we decide to count.

Mark Henry vs. Three Jobbers

He beats the first guy with a grand total of zero wrestling moves, just a bunch of general "being strong and fat" and whatnot. The second guy gets what was going to be a suplex, but instead Henry dropped him gut-first on the top rope. I don't know what it is called, but we counted it as a wrestling move. Then he gets what basically looked like a chokeslam, except backwards, with Henry grabbing him by the back of the neck and slamming him on his front instead of his back. I don't know what it is called, but it seemed to be a wrestling move of some sort. That got the three count, and Henry is up to two wins with two wrestling moves. Can he keep that average up??? Heck, he can even raise it! He hits the third guy with both a clothesline AND a powerslam, giving him three victories on four wrestling moves. Say what you will about Mark Henry (and I will), but don't call him inefficient.

After the match(es): Michael Cole says he is going to go find out what the relationship is between Melina and Mark Henry, and as we pretend to watch replays, Cole goes into the ring. He asks Melina about Henry, and she says he is there to protect her. Along the way, she re-displays her tenuous grasp on vocabulary, once again referring to the sexual harassment. It seems to me like if WWE was afraid to do a rape angle, Melina probably should have left out the whole "he forced me to have sex with him" part last week. But that's just me.


Last week: Sharmell got Orton disqualified.

Backstage: Booker, Sharmell, and Orton are having a less-than-friendly discussion about last week. Orton tells Booker to "Keep your wife out of my business," and as Sharmell gets upset, Booker says, "Hold on, baby, let the man speak him mind." How's that for a short book: Randy Orton Speaks His Mind. Orton informs the T's that Booker will owe Orton one once he has delivered the U.S. Title.

Misterrrrrrrrrrrr Kennedy is here, and he's got a mic. He informs us that not only is he changing Friday nights, he is about to change the way Friday Night Smackdown is called. He inserts himself into the announce team, and promptly uses The Rick's favorite shaky ratings math to mention that when Smackdown went to Friday night, ratings went up 86%. Of course, the average observer might think that meant that Smackdown's ratings went up, but what he really means is that now, instead of 16 people watching UPN on Friday nights, there are now 30, and it's ALL BECAUSE OF SMACKDOWN!!!

Last week: Kid Kash hated foreigners and beat up Funaki.

Kid Kash vs. Juventud (for the Cruiserweight Championship)

We start with some backy-forthy, then a dropkick by Juvy to Kash's face gets two. After Kash rolls out of the ring, Juvy hits a front hilo from the top rope, and both guys are down by the remnants of the announce table. Kennedy is still talking about ratings. Juvy eventually rolls Kash back into the ring, but he only gets a two count. Kash gets control because Juvy's knee is messed up from the hilo, but when he goes for a top-rope moonsault, Juvy rolls out of the way. Juvy is unable to capitalize because of the knee, and Kash ends up with a single-leg Boston Crab on, you guessed it, the bad knee. After Juvy gets to the rope, Kash goes up top, where Juvy surprises him with a Hurricanrana. Juvy then misses a 450 Splash off the top, and Kash hits the Brainbuster for the win.

Your winner: Kid Kash

Backstage: Reporters wait for Batista's press conference in response to Melina's allegations.


Backstage: Kristal is with Booker and Sharmell. Suddenly, Orlando Jordan interrupts the answer to some stupid question with a request for Booker to reconsider letting OJ face Benoit for him. The T's laugh at him, and he demands respect. Booker tells him he has to earn respect, and Orlando says, "Oh, you want me to earn your respect? Well, you remember you said that." And he walks away.

Elsewhere backstage: Batista starts his press conference. He says he is innocent, that Melina never said no. When he opens up for questions, Mark Henry shows up and says, "I have a question: what's your malfunction? What's your problem? You take advantage of a sweet, innocent lady. What if it was me taking advantage of you?" Sorry, Mark, that was three questions, and the last one sounded suspiciously like you were threatening to rape Batista. Batista says, "This isn't the time or the place, unless you want it to be. If not, get out of my face." Henry leaves.


Chris Benoit vs. Randy Orton (Match 6, Best of 7 Series)

Apparently, Kennedy was only there for one match, as his empty spot is now taken by Booker T. Tazz gives his chair to Sharmell, and we are underway. Benoit takes control early, and Sharmell trips him up with a crutch. Nick Patrick doesn't see it, but he takes Benoit's word for it and ejects Sharmell from ringside. Orton uses the distraction to hit Benoit with an eye-poke, a dropkick, and an elbow-drop. After a two count, Orton needs a break, so he goes for the headlock. Orton then hits one suplex, but Benoit reverses the second one into a belly-to-back release suplex. Orton pulls the rope down when Benoit tries to follow up, and we go to...


We're back, and Orton is in control. Almost immediately, Benoit counters, and he hits the Three Amigos, which prompts an "Eddie" chant from the crowd. Benoit goes up top and hits the flying headbutt, which gets a two count. Benoit gets Orton int he Sharpshooter, and when he starts to lose it, he releases it straight into a crossface. After about 15 seconds, Orton gets to the bottom rope.

Both guys counter each other's finishers a couple times, and we are coming up on end game. Orton hits a neckbreaker on Benoit, and he begins the stalking process that always leads to the RKO. Before the stalking is done, though, Orlando Jordan appears of out nowhere and beats Booker with his own crutch. He then jumps in the ring and whacks Benoit with the crutch, thereby disqualifying Orton.

Your winner: Chris Benoit, and the series is now tied 3-to-3.

After the match: Orton and Booker are both pissed, but Benoit seems uncharacteristically content with the fact that he won the last two weeks on DQ's.

Raw Rebound: I often recap recaps, but never in public.


Coming soon: Finlay, who gives new meaning to the phrase "Fighting Irish."

Simon Dean is on his way to the ring, and when he gets there, he calls out any two superstars for a "physical challenge." When Brian Kendrick and Paul London get there, he informs them that the challenge is not with him, but with the new tag team he is sponsoring: Gymini. Gymini consists of two big freaks who look exactly alike. Unlike a lot of the big guys WWE seems to love (I'm looking at you, messirs Henry and Masters), these guys look legitimately athletic. They are very quick, extremely strong, and hit some cool two-man moves on London and Kendrick, who never had a chance. It wasn't a match, but it was a heck of an intro for Gymini, and it actually gives me a reason to NOT fast-forward every time I see Simon Dean on his Segway.


Backstage: Bobby Lashley announces that he will win the Royal Rumble and face Batista for the title at Wrestlemania. Then, to kill time while the cage is put in place, we are shown a video package of Lashley's greatest hits. You know what this show needs? More Lashley. And Less Henry.

MNM (with Melina, but not Mark Henry) vs. Batista and Rey Mysterio (Tag Team Titles)

Right when MNM get to the ring, we go to...


We are back, the cage is in place, and Batista and Rey are on their way. We are told that in this match, there is no escape -- a team can only win by pinfall or submission. As Batista comes down, Melina puts on her best "sexually harassed" face. Jimmy Korderas is the ref on the inside, and Charles Robinson is on the outside. If there is no escape, why do we need an outside ref? This match is also not really a tag match, as all four men are in at once. We start with Batista beating on Nitro and Rey beating on Mercury, then they trade. M and N don't seem to realize there is no escape, and they try to climb the cage. As Batista and Rey pull them down, we go to our final...


When we get back, Batista is destroying Mercury and Nitro while ReyRey recuperates. M and N climb the cage again, but Batista throws Nitro down, then Rey hits a sweet move that is simultaneously a bulldog on Mercury and a legdrop on Nitro. This gets a two count on Nitro. Batista and Rey use some teamwork on Mercury, but it backfires on Nitro, who boots Rey in the face. A missile dropkick and a DDT on Batista, but he only stays down for two.

The next part of the match can be summed up like this: M and N double team Batista to keep him down, then double team Rey and try to pin him. Repeat a couple times. Finally, Rey gets a boot to Mercury's face, and a crucifix on Nitro gets a two count. ReyRey goes up to the top of the cage and hits a cross-body on Mercury, but Nitro breaks up the count at two. A double team by M and N puts them back in control, but the beast is back up, and he seems angry. He has Nitro on the top rope, but Mercury saves his partner from a Batista Bomb. Batista settles for crotching both guys on the top rope. Melina seems dismayed by that. Hey, Melina, don't worry about their crotches. You have Mark Henry now. I'm sure any crotch that can cause an 80-year-old lady to give birth to a hand is good enough for you.

Batista hits a spinebuster on Nitro, and Mark Henry makes his way down to ringside. The more Tazz and Cole mention that Henry "can't get in," the more convinced I am that he will get in. He circles the cage, looking for an opening, because apparently he has never watched wrestling before. It turns out there is a door on the cage, with nothing but a slightly-weaker-than-usual "steel" chain holding it shut. Henry breaks the chain, then tears the door off its hinges and throws it into the ring. Mercury is back up, and while Batista is distracted by him, Henry comes in and attacks him from behind. He throws Batista into the side of the cage, then smashes the door against his head. Henry then uses the door on Mysterio, and Nitro covers him for the 1-2-3.

Your winners: MNM

After the match: Melina's heart is all a-flutter over her new large-breasted boyfriend, and we watch some replays. After the replays, we see that Mark Henry has climbed to the top of the cage and is standing on the corner. Despite all my urging, he doesn't jump, and we are out.

Analysis: I watch wrestling because I love it. I don't want to be negative about it. And honestly, tonight's show wasn't overtly bad. But there was very little about tonight that made me think, "Golly, I can't wait for next week." I was impressed by Gymini. I am glad Lashley got a little screen time. And there were a few other things I enjoyed. But like Rick says, the main event really colors an overall show, and this is two weeks in a row where we have ended with worthless Mark Henry destroying Batista. No matter how many times WWE tells me that I care about Mark Henry, I will never believe it. Eat the contract, move on, and keep him off my TV. Is that too much to ask? Or better yet, let him feud with Boogeyman. Put them in a "Loser goes to OVW" match, and find a way for both of them to lose.

[Special Note from The Rick: if you want to derive some enjoyment from Mark Henry's appearance, please download this video file. I still haven't bothered to watch my DVR of SD! yet, but it sure sounds like WWE took some SERIOUS editorial liberties with the final segment, because Mark Henry made an absolute incompetent ass of himself on the live satellite feed. Thanks much to OO Reader Josh for getting his hands on the clip and posting it to RapidShare for us all to enjoy....]

I didn't hate much of the two hours, but the ten or fifteen minutes I DID hate definitely outweighed the 1:45 that I never loved.



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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