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The Ghost of Eddie Guerrero is 
More Over Than Mark Henry
February 6, 2006

by Jeff J. Snider
Special for OnlineOnslaught.com


Sorry about last week, folks. I went to watch my copy of Smackdown that my DVR had grabbed for me, and it turns out that my local UPN affiliate showed me nothing but, “We are experiencing technical difficulties -- Please stand by,” for two hours. So you got no recap last week. 
A couple things before we start. First, I want to thank those of you who have emailed me with feedback. Most of it has been positive, although I have gotten a couple complaints, which I should address here. First, someone commented on my statement a few weeks ago when I said that women shouldn't have microphones. This 

guy's complaint was that I then listed a bunch of women who are okay on the mic, and he thought it weakened my point. I guess I should have said, “Women with voices like Sharmell's shouldn't have mics,” because the couple women I listed who sound okay (Trish and Lillian) were meant to be illustrations of the kind of female voices that sound okay when amplified. Sharmell doesn't have one of those voices.

The other complaint I got was also minor: someone thought that two weeks ago, when I referred to myself as a trooper for going through with the review even though my DVR info told me that Mark Henry was wrestling Rey Mysterio, I should have referred to myself as a trOOper instead. I told him, and I'm telling you know, that I don't believe in stealing gimmicks, ever.


One last thing, which has nothing to do with wrestling. You all know I love 24. If you love 24 too, you will enjoy this: a list of little-known facts about Jack Bauer . Some pretty funny stuff there, but I have to warn you, there is a little foul language. (Yeah, because you would be reading OO if you were opposed to foul language.)

Oh, and I just found out that Kiefer Sutherland just bought a house about five miles from where my parents live. As soon as my brother finds out which house, we are totally going to go steal his newspaper, because that's what we do to famous people who move into the area. Hey, if we did it to Brian Hunter , you can bet your sweet bippy that we'll do it to Jack Bauer.

This past Sunday: Kurt Angle beat Mark Henry, and then the Undertaker came down to congratulate him with lightning bolts.

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we are quasi-live from Orlando , Florida . Despite this being the second half of the super tapings from Orlando , I made it through all of Smackdown without noticing the guy in the red hat , even though I saw him a few times on Raw. (He was the guy holding the sign asking Shelton is his mom is played by Martin Lawrence. Check out the link, he has a pretty interesting story, most of which is provided in the comments by our very own The Rick.)

Tonight: Rey Mysterio and Kurt Angle will battle Randy Orton and Mark Henry. Also, Booker T will face Chris Benoit in a U.S. Title match.

But first: Teddy Long is on his way down to the ring. When he gets to the ring, he does a silly little dance, and I am reminded (not for the first time) of my daughter. My little girl is 15 months old, and she does a lot of silly little dances that she seems to really get a kick out of. Teddy Long is the same way -- and the same size. I just want to pick him up and put him in my pocket.

So anyway, Teddy tells us that the Royal Rumble pay-per-view was full of surprises. (Well, actually, he says the “Roll Rumble,” but whatever.) The Undertaker surprised Kurt Angle by challenging him for the title, so let's have a title match between them at No Way Out. But the biggest surprise came from Rey Mysterio, who won the Rumble match itself. Let's bring Rey out!

Rey comes down in Eddie's lowrider, just as Rick predicted he would . The crowd gives us a couple big Eddie chants, and Rey thanks Eddie for helping him win the Royal Rumble. “Mi amigo, mi hermano, mi sangre” -- “My friend, my brother, my blood.” (Does anyone else think of Arrested Development every single time they hear the word “hermano”? It's amazing how a word you have known your whole life can take on a whole new meaning just because of one hilarious episode of one of the best TV shows ever.) So anyway, Rey promises to make Eddie proud by winning the title at Wrestlemania, and he tells Eddie it was a good joke he pulled, making Rey the #2 entrant in the Rumble.

Randy Orton's music hits, and he comes down in his customary T-shirt and underwear, which always makes me expect him to start dancing on a couch like Tom Cruise in Risky Business , which I only know about because I saw Nicole Kidman impersonating it on SNL once. But anyway, Orton isn't hear for anything nefarious, just to defame the dead. First, he tells Rey that Eddie wasn't laughing with him, he was laughing at him. Moded, your butt exploded~! Randy says that he deserves the title shot, not Rey, and Rey reminds him that he tossed Randy's hind-quarters over the top rope. Orton says that Rey can't beat him one-on-one, so he challenges him to a match for his Wrestlemania title shot.

As Rey looks to the sky, presumably for guidance from Eddie, things get really bad. Randy tells Rey, “Eddie ain't in heaven, Rey, he's down there…” (pointing down, pausing for his version of dramatic effect) “…IN HELL!!!” Rey jumps Orton, four refs pull him off, and Orton runs away.

[Let me tell you about a little phenomenon I like to call the Cold Case Effect. For those of you who have never watched Cold Case, it is a show about a team of Philadelphia homicide investigators who specialize in cold cases -- cases that were never solved at the time they happened. It is an interesting little show, with storylines that range from predictable to very inventive. In addition to the new episodes every week, it is also in syndication on TNT, so our DVR picks up quite a few episodes, and it is fun to watch during dinner. My biggest gripe about it, though, is the script-writing. Absolutely terrible. The main detective is a lady named Lily, and at least once every episode, she says something so obvious that you can't help laughing. The worst was one I saw last week. In the episode, two hippies (a black man and a white woman) were murdered in 1969. As the investigation goes on, Lily and Co. discover that the hippie group had an infiltrator working undercover for the FBI and feeding them the dirt on the hippie commune. At the time, everyone suspected this black man. Well, Lily and the Boys come across some photos taken by the still-unknown mole, and about 90% of them have this black guy in them. Everyone watching the show sees the black guy in the photos and says in their heads, “Oh, I guess he wasn't the mole.” But Lily looks at all the pictures for ten seconds or so, looking for some subtle clue, and then gets her meaningful, I'm-about-to-say-something-stupid look on her face and says, “He couldn't have taken these photos of himself! That means … it must have been someone else!”

Anyway, Randy Orton reminded me of Lily here. Guess what, Randy? When you said that Eddie wasn't in heaven, we were all smart enough to know what you were getting at. When you pointed down at the ground, we got it even more. So when you got to your punchline, the effect was pretty much gone.]


MNM vs. the MexiCools, tag team title match

MNM come down first, and Melina appears to be wearing a bad toupee today. Tazz and Cole tell us how impressive Mercury and Nitro were in the Rumble, each lasting over 25 minutes.

The Mexis come on down, and the match gets underway. Nitro gets the quick advantage, but Psicosis counters, and he and SuperCrazy hit some cool tag team offense. M&N both end up outside, and Psicosis hits a springboard moonsault on them. Crazy tries to follow it up with a plancha, but referee Jimmy Korderas gets in his way. When Korderas turns around to check on the guys outside the ring, Crazy gets a SuperCrazy idea and leapfrogs over Korderas for a plancha. And we go to…


The Mexis are in control when we get back, but only for about two seconds, because Nitro pulls Mercury out of the way of a Broncobuster or something, and Psicosis hits the turnbuckle with his butt and lands on his head. This starts a lengthy advantage for MNM, with Psicosis your run-of-the-mill Face in Peril. At one point, with the ref distracted, Melina puts a headscissors on Psicosis, and Tazz turns into Jerry Lawler for a second. Later, Mercury is going for a neckbreaker, but Psicosis pushes him away, and he runs into Melina and knocks her off the apron to the floor, where she aggravates a Kurt Angle-inflicted ankle injury. Mercury bounces back off the ropes, and he and Psicosis collide, and both men are down.

Psicosis gets the hot tag to Crazy, who hits a missile dropkick on Mercury and a springboard dropkick followed by a baseball slide on Nitro. A Tilt-a-Whirl backbreaker on Mercury followed by a moonsault gets a two count. Crazy then hits a tornado DDT on Mercury, and Nitro breaks up the count at two. Psicosis attacks Nitro, and Crazy goes up to the top rope. With the ref distracted by the non-legal men, Melina comes over and whacks Crazy in the head with her boot. He's down, Mercury rolls on top, and Korderas counts the 1-2-3.

Your winners: MNM (10:14). This was a fun little match, and it seems to be setting up a big title match at No Way Out between these two teams. The tag division isn't much to look at these days, but these two teams are both pretty good.

Backstage: Booker T is back on crutches. Booker and Sharmell tell Teddy that Booker's doctor said he can't wrestle tonight. Teddy tells Booker than he can pick a sub tonight, and Booker likes the idea. Then Teddy drops the “bombshell”: if the sub loses the match, Booker loses the title. Wait a sec, Teddy! You mean to tell me that the title is on the line in this title match?!? What will you think of next??? Unfortunately, while it's funny when I say it, it's just sad when Booker does.

Raw Rebound: You know us Mormons -- no drinking, no sleeping around, and no recapping recaps.


In the ring: JBL is in the ring (sans Jillian). “I'm a wrestling god. I am tired of wrestling freaks. I'm tired of wrestling guys who can't wrestle but are here just because they have ‘the look.' I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm a wrestling god.” Garth, that was a haiku!

The bell rings, and Tony Chimel starts announcing a match. At first, I thought Chimel was announcing a match with JBL in it, and that JBL's anger was due to the fact that he was wearing a suit instead of wrestling gear. So when Lashley was announced, I thought we were getting a JBL/Lashley rematch. Then Chimel announced Chad Dick (with brother), and JBL left the ring. So apparently we have…

Bobby Lashley vs. Chad Dick

Chad gets exactly eight seconds of offense, at which point Lashley decides to destroy both Brothers Dick. Chad eats a Dominator, and we have a 1-2-3.

Your winner: Bobby Lashley (58 seconds). This match was a squash, but it was obviously just there to set up…

After the match: JBL jumps Lashley, eventually hitting him with the Clothesline from Hell.

Backstage: A couple midgets struggle with a drinking fountain.


Flashback again to Royal Rumble: Angle still beat Mark Henry, and Undertaker still wants the title.

In the ring: The Undertaker's music hits, and he is on his way to the ring. When Taker eventually gets to the ring, he informs Angle that he wants the title, and there is No Way Out for him. Angle comes down to the ring, and they have a little staredown. Angle tells Taker: “You've proven to be unstoppable; I've proven to be the best. You make people scream; I make people tap. You may be the phenom, but I'm a wrestling machine. We don't have much in common, except one thing: when the bell rings, I don't have a soul either. I won't rest in peace -- I'll break your ankle in pieces.” It sounded good, but I'm not sure if it was said at the wrong time or not, because Taker just followed up with, “At No Way Out, you will REST IN PEACE!” It came across like, “You can't beat me up!” “Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna beat you up!” Anyway, the lights go out, and when the purple creepy light comes on, Taker has disappeared.


Tzuki vs. Some Midget with a Weird Name (Juniors Match)

This match was fun to watch, but it would be no fun for you to read about. At first, I thought the bigger guy was named Ategatcito, but then I figured out that Tazz might be saying Octagon-cito, which I guess would mean “Little Octagon.” At one point, Tzuki was clapping along with the crowd, and Cito pushed him down and mocked the clapping. Tazz said, “These juniors aren't big fans of clapping.” Tazz later referred to Cito as “the Big Show of the Juniors,” and he implied that Tzuki's day job is as Tazz's dashboard ornament.

Your winner: Tzuki (2:59). Tazz congratulates Tzuki, the tells him to get back on the dashboard.

Backstage: Benoit is warming up, and Kennedy enters the room with full “Misterrrrrrr Kennedy! Kennedy!” announcement. Kennedy reminds Benoit about his stretch of bad luck, first losing the Best of 7 Series, then losing the Rumble. Kennedy knows who Booker's sub is for tonight, and he promises that it will be Benoit's worst luck yet. Benoit tells Kennedy to get out of his face.


Last Sunday: Gregory Helms won the Cruiserweight Title.

Then Benoit's music hits. For a brief second, since the “Slam of the Week” things usually have something to do with the person who is up next, I thought maybe Helms would be Booker's substitute. Then I realized what a stupid idea that was.

Sharmell comes down to introduce Booker, and Booker introduces his sub: Finlay.

Chris Benoit vs. Finlay ( U.S. Title Match)

This was more of a brawl than a wrestling match. Finlay was in control for the first several minutes, as Booker talked about his history with Finlay in WCW. Benoit would occasionally hit a hope spot, usually with the aid of a few chops, but Finlay stayed in control. Benoit finally hit the Hat Trick o' Germans, and he decides to go up top. He gets distracted by Booker, who thought about getting involved, and that gives Finlay the opening he needs to grab the advantage back. Benoit ducks a clothesline and counters straight into a crossface. While Booker distracts the ref, Sharmell comes in the ring and whacks Benoit with a crutch. Unfortunately, the ref turned around just in time to see it, and Finlay is disqualified.

Your winner: Chris Benoit (5:57). For a second, I thought back to Teddy Long's wording backstage, and I realized that what he actually said was, “If your sub loses the match, you will lose the title.” I envisioned Teddy coming down and reminding Booker that he didn't say anything about HOW the sub would lose the match, just that if he lost, Booker would lose the title, and since Finlay lost, Benoit was the new champ. Alas, it turns out that the Teddy/Booker exchange earlier really was as pointless and dumb as it seemed, because there was no Teddy here.

After the match: Benoit is after Sharmell, and Finlay and Booker attack him. Double team for a while, and then they leave.

Backstage: Kristal is with Mark Henry and Daivari. Boohoo, Angle cheated, blah blah blah.


Backstage: Booker and Sharmell are thanking Finlay, and Boogey shows up behind them. Sharmell goes all sorts of hysterical on us, and she may be the worst actor in WWE history.

Elsewhere Backstage: Josh Matthews is with Gregory Helms, who informs us that no one on Smackdown will even make him break a sweat. Nunzio objects to this, and they set up a match for next week.

Even More Elsewhere Backstage: Palmer Cannon is discussing with Regal and Burchill their desire to break up. Somehow, this leads to a discussion about ancestry, and Burchill says that his mother's second-cousin's great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was some sort of assistant to Blackbeard the Pirate, and he wants to bring that ancestry to UPN with “Swashbuckling on Smackdown.” Cannon likes the idea, so you know it must be good.


Kurt Angle and Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton and Mark Henry

We get the entrances, then we go to our last…


We're back, and the match is about to start. Angle and Orton are in the ring, but Orton wants Rey, and Angle obliges. Rey hits a headscissors to pull Orton over the top rope, just like he did in the Rumble. A seated senton takes Orton down, and Rey rolls him back in the ring and goes up top. Orton gets up and crotches Rey on the top turnbuckle, then tags Henry in. Henry dominates without actually doing anything, then tags Orton back in. Orton hits a knee to Rey's face, then tags Henry back in. This goes on for a long time, with a couple two counts and whatnot. Finally, Rey moves out of the way in the corner, and Orton's shoulder hits the ringpost.

Both guys hit hot tags, and Angle is on fire. He dodges a couple slow-motion moves by Henry, then grabs an Ankle Lock. Henry powers out, but Angle comes right back with an Angle Slam and another Ankle Lock. Orton comes in, and Angle releases Henry and puts an Ankle Lock on Orton. Daivari distracts the ref, and Henry hits an uppernut on Angle. Orton gets the official tag in, and he and Henry tag back and forth in control of Angle. If a headbutt is a wrestling move, then Henry has done two wrestling moves (or one move twice). Eventually, we end up with Orton holding Angle in a chinlock, and Angle is almost out. The third time Nick Patrick drops Angle's arm, he holds it up and channels the ghost of Hulk Hogan. He's up, and he hits a German suplex.

Both men are down, and Angle gets the tag to Rey, who hits a seated senton on Orton and a punch to Henry. Big bulldog on Orton, but when he goes off the ropes, Orton hits a clothesline from his knees. The crowd starts an Eddie chant, and Rey drop-toeholds Orton into 619 position. He hits the 619, but Henry stops him from dropping the dime. Angle knocks Henry off the apron and rams his head into the ringpost, and Daivari attacks from behind. Angle goes after Daivari and chases him into the crowd, and Henry follows. So now we just have Orton and Rey in the ring. Orton hits a thumb to the eye and an uppercut. Rey hits a back elbow and goes for a Sunset Flip, but Orton sits on him and gets the quick 1-2-3.

Your winners: Orton and Henry (12:55). This was a decent match that did a good job highlighting Mark Henry's strengths (he's big and strong) and hiding his weaknesses (everything wrestling-related). It also looks like we are building up a little tension between Rey and Angle, what with Angle running out on the match and all. Probably a slow burn between them, but it should build up to some nice heat by Wrestlemania.

After the match: Orton says, “See, you can't beat me! And you have as much chance of winning at Wrestlemania as Eddia has of coming back to life.” Rey accepts Orton's challenge to a match for the Wrestlemania title shot, and I assume it will be at No Way Out.

And, we're out.



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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