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Dum Dum Go Bye-Bye
April 15, 2006

by Jeff J. Snider
Special for OnlineOnslaught.com


Anyone else a Dodger fan? If so, do you get nervous walking down the street, since everyone associated with the Dodgers seems to be ridiculously injury-prone? The latest casualty is Yhency Brazoban, who needs Tommy John surgery after having 21 saves last year as a rookie. Gagne just had surgery, Lofton and Nomar are on the DL, and Jayson Werth may never actually play a full season of baseball. I'll say this for my Dodgers, though: at least they generally don't get my hopes up. I would hate to be a Braves fan, with their team making the playoffs EVERY YEAR, only to choke EVERY YEAR. That would suck. 
Here's my solution to the Barry Bonds issue: every time he comes to the plate, the pitcher hits him in the knee with a fastball. A few of those, and his career is finally over. And even if he can take a hundred of them, he ain't gonna be breaking any home run records while he's getting plunked. Problem solved.

Let's get to Smackdown:

Smackdown theme, pyro, etc., and we're taped from Green Bay, Wisconsin. Tonight, Chris Benoit spoiled JBL's plans for a victory celebration by invoking his rematch clause. Also, Kurt Angle faces Randy Orton in the first round of the King of the Ring Tournament.

Booker T will be King of the Ring

Booker and Sharmell come down to the ring, where there is a throne and all sorts of other kingly stuff set up. Booker refers to Smackdown as a “Boogeyman-free zone,” and the crowd boos? I'm not fan of Green Bay or their football team, and this Boogey-love is a definite strike two. Anyway, Booker tells Gunner Scott that he will never beat him again, then gets to the point: King of the Ring makes careers (Hart, Austin, etc.), and Booker T will win it this year, because no one in the tournament can beat him. As Booker requests bows and dresses like a king, Bobby Lashley comes out of nowhere to deliver a spear to Booker.

[Very interesting development here, just because Lashley and Booker are on opposite sides of the bracket, so they wouldn't meet until the finals. Is this a case of WWE just making the point that Booker shouldn't discount the other competitors, or are we getting a glimpse of the final? Bank on it!]


In the crowd: Members of the Green Bay Packers.

Johnny Nitro vs. Brian Kendrick

This match was criminally short, but it was great while it lasted. Both men were quick, crisp, and doing cool moves, which is a formula for a great match. Mercury gets involved, and London flies between the ropes for a sweet suicide dive to take him out. At that point, Kendrick hits a victory roll and gets the 1-2-3.

Your winner: Brian Kendrick (3:00 exactly)

Last week: Paul Burchill beat William Regal in a wardrobe selection match.

Backstage: Burchill knocks on Regal's door to get a glimpse of his “buxom wench.” We don't get to see yet, but Burchill does, and he seems to think it's pretty funny.


Paul Burchill vs. Rasheed Brown

The story here is Regal dressed as a buxom wench. Regal is definitely the right man for the job, and he plays up the indignity of it all to perfection. Tazz and Cole inform us that Regal has to dress that way until Burchill loses a match. Speaking of matches...

Well, we got three minutes from two real wrestlers. I guess that puts the over/under on this match at about 1:30. I hope you took the under, because in exactly one minute, Burchill hits his flippy move (which the announcers are referring to as “Walking the Plank,” which makes no sense to me) and gets the pin.

Your winner: Paul Burchill (1:00)

Backstage: Kristal is with Kurt Angle, who informs us that he hates Randy Orton, blames him for losing the title, and plans to take out all his anger and frustration on him tonight.


Matt Hardy vs. Animal

Tony Chimel caught up with Tazz and Cole, so now everyone is just calling him “Road Warrior.” Well, everyone except me, because I am calling him Animal.

Hardy jumps Animal outside the ring, and they brawl out there for a while. Animal gets the better of it at first, but then Hardy comes back and rolls Animal into the ring to start the match. The bell rings, an angel gets its wings, and Hardy hits the Twist of Fate. I kid you not -- this match is already over!

Your winner: Matt Hardy (17 seconds)

Video Package: More video of Rey Mysterio's road to victory. Enjoy it, because it is the only glimpse we will get of Rey all night.


Palmer Cannon is my hero

Network exec Palmer Cannon shows up to inform us that both he and the network do not condone or endorse the following actions by The Miz. Of course, the following video package contains The Miz doing absolutely nothing that it would make sense for the network to be distancing themselves from.

JBL vs. Chris Benoit ( U.S. Title rematch)

Before the match can start, Teddy Long shows up and makes it a steel cage match. [I love how when there is a scheduled cage match, the shows starts with a view of the cage, and the announcers make a big deal out of it. When there is a cage suspended from the ceiling for no apparent reason, no one mentions it, and then they are all surprised when the GM makes a cage match.]

While they lower the cage, we get highlights of the match at Wrestlmania, when JBL cheated to win.

The cage is ready, and JBL begs Nick Patrick to change Teddy's mind. He refuses, and the match begins, with both guys going for quick escapes. Jillian Hall appears to be wearing JBL's hat and Lita's shirt, if you know what I mean. To taunt Benoit and the crowd, JBL goes for the Three Amigos, but Benoit blocks after two. Benoit eventually hits his own Three Amigos. This is definitely a JBL-paced match, and the crowd doesn't seem to be in it the whole time. I did notice one sign that made me laugh. It had the Packers symbol in one corner, a number 4 (Brett Favre's number) in another corner, and the words “JBL would have told us by now.” So anyway, we eventually get an ad break, and then Benoit hits the Hat Trick o' Germans. He hits a flying headbutt and crawls towards the door. Jillian tries to slam the door on him, but Jimmy Korderas stops her. While they are tussling, JBL pulls Benoit away and goes for the door himself. Jillian finishes with Korderas, turns around and, without looking, slams the door on JBL. Benoit locks in a crossface, but Jillian distracts Patrick while JBL taps. Benoit releases, and then, out of nowhere, JBL kicks Benoit in the goodies and dives out the door for the victory.

Your winner: JBL (18:48)

After the match: JBL pushes Jillian away as she tries to celebrate.

[Not a bad match, but it was lacking something. There were no actively boring parts, but very few instances that got me -- or the crowd -- excited.]


Last week: Undertaker got destroyed by Huge Guy.

Now: Apparently they are calling Huge Guy “The Great Khali.” Hmmm, I thought he played shortstop for the Padres. Anyway, Daivari gets in the ring with Khali and tells us that Taker is no more, Khali is the man, we should worship Khali, etc. Khali grabs a mic and says something. I think he is actually speaking English, but if you thought Andre the Giant had a speech impediment, you ain't seen nothing yet.


Movie trailer: Kane stars in See No Evil, opening May 19. But don't tell Kane it's opening on May 19. That TOTALLY freaks him out.

The MexiCools vs. Jesse and Jake (the Gymini)

Another match that was pretty darn short, but it seems like they might finally be giving Gymini something to do. And with the tag team division(s) as weak as they are, every little bit helps. The bottom line is that when Gymini got in trouble, they pulled the ol' Basham Switch, which actually makes sense with them, since they actually, ya know, look alike. So the fresh Gymini hits a suplex and pins SuperCrazy.

Your winners: The Gymini (2:55)


Earlier tonight: Lashley speared Booker, and JBL beat Benoit.

Next week: Matt Hardy vs. Booker T in their first-round King of the Ring match.

Kurt Angle vs. Ads


Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton (First-Round King of the Ring match)

For the next eight minutes and thirteen seconds, Kurt Angle does wrestling moves and Randy Orton does rest holds. I kid you not, Orton had a Mark Henry-like aversion to actual wrestling moves in this match. Nice to see what he's like when he's not motivated. After a couple failed attempts at the ankle lock, Angle finally locks it in and gets the tap.

Your winner: Kurt Angle

After the match: Angle refuses to let go of the ankle lock. Then he does, but then he changes his mind and locks it back in. Then he lets go again and heads up the ramp, but he changes his mind again, comes back down, and locks is back in. Consider Orton's ankle broken, and consider him written out. And we're done.

Analysis: We had 34 minutes and 13 seconds of bell-to-bell action, and 27:01 of that came in the JBL/Benoit and Angle/Orton matches, which means we had only about 18 minutes of actual wrestling in that 27 minutes. So we end up with about 25 minutes of wrestling, which just doesn't cut it for a two-hour show. Then you throw in the fact that Rey Mysterio, the CHAMP, did not even make an appearance, and there's another downside. On the bright side, Mark Henry was nowhere to be found, and he fights Lashley in the first round of the King of the Ring tourney, so he should lose there, too. And the Boogeyman was gone, with it looking like maybe they are using this restraining order as a way to keep Boogey off my TV. So they did some addition by subtraction, I guess, and nothing made me want to punch my TV the way Henry and Boogey do. But the best I can say for this show tonight is that it didn't actively annoy me.



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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