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Mark Henry is the Real Nugget
May 1, 2006

by Jeff J. Snider
Special for OnlineOnslaught.com


Let's start by opening up the ol' mail bag, where we find an email from Rae Meyers, whose email address is jeffhardy12456@yahoo.com. You may think you know where this is going, and you are right:

“hey yo'! Why iz there nuthin bout' Jeff Hardy????? DAMN U!”

Let's address this email point by point:

Point: “hey yo'!”

Counterpoint: What's the deal with the apostrophe after yo? The only time you need one of those is when “yo” is short for something else, like “your.” For example, if I wrote back and said, “Yo' capitalization, grammar, and punctuation sho' could use some work,” we would use 

that form of “yo'.” In this case, though, it doesn't appear to be an abbreviation.

Point: “Why iz there nuthin bout' Jeff Hardy?????”

Counterpoint: Oy with the apostrophes already. You kids today with your slang. What is “bout'”? The apostrophe indicates that something is removed at the end of the word. I have to assume Rae meant “boutique,” because I can't think of any other word that starts with “bout.” But to answer the question, the reason there is nothing about Jeff Hardy is that I recap a show called Smackdown, which is subtitled, “A show that Jeff Hardy is not on.” I will forward your email to Johnny Ace.

Point: “DAMN U!”

Counterpoint: I concede the point.

In baseball news, Jose Mesa was suspended for four games, and he had the nerve to APPEAL! If I were the arbitrator assigned to the case, I would lengthen the suspension just to make a point. What grounds could he possibly be appealing on?

So I am sitting here in sunny Southern California, where I was born and raised, visiting my parents with my wife and daughter. I love living in Utah, but I will always be a SoCal boy, and every time I come here I remember why. I spent last night at The Lake Elsinore Diamond, watching the Lake Elsinore Storm play host to the Bakersfield Blaze in some California League (class A minor league) action. I will spend next Thursday at Disneyland with my wife and my brother. The following night, my wife, my sister, and I will go take in a game at beautiful Dodger Stadium. I imagine we will hit the beach while we're here sometime, too. Let's face it: anything you could ever want to do, you can do in Southern California . (I had friends in high school who used to do what they called the Christmas Day Iron Man: skiing at Big Bear in the morning, surfing at the beach in the afternoon.) If only the housing prices weren't ridiculous and my wife weren't so opposed to living here...

Enough with the babbling, let's head to London...

Tonight: Big video package promo for tonight's Rey/Kurt match.

Smackdown theme, pyro, etc., and we are taped from Jolly Olde England . There's a bus at the top of the ramp; I don't know if it's just a symbol of England, or if it means something else.

Also Tonight: Lashley vs. Mark Henry.

JBL, England-style, vs. William Regal

JBL rolls down to the ring in a Bentley with longhorns, wearing an American flag shirt. For a guy who is going away from his southern roots to be a New York boy, he sure is looking mighty CMT tonight. He has Chimel wave a couple tiny American flags while he talks down to the crowd. Blah blah, England sucks, America rocks. He will defend his title against the bravest Englishman (“which is like saying ‘the tallest midget'”), but not before he rips on England for bowing down to a woman. After the crowd refuses to join in a USA chant, Regal shows up and grabs the mic. This being England, Regal is, of course, a huge babyface. He agrees that Tony Blair is a fool, but he disagrees with everything else. The fight is on.

Regal starts out on fire, stripping JBL of his jingoism while pounding his face. Two minutes in, Regal knocks JBL out of the ring, and we go to...


When we get back, Regal is still in control, but JBL almost immediately lands a big boot to his face, and the momentum switches. Regal comes up bleeding from the ear, and JBL targets that spot with some punches. Regal tries to fight back, but he runs into a sleeper. JBL targets the ear some more, which makes me wonder if they planned this particular bit of bleeding, or if they are just doing a good job of taking what the match hands them.

Regal fights back with a couple kicks, and when JBL tries to counter with a Clothesline from Hell, Regal ducks it and hits an exploder suplex for a two count. Regal then locks in an SPF, but JBL gets to the ropes. As Regal goes to follow up, JBL sticks a thumb to the eye and nails the Clothesline from Hell out of nowhere. 1-2-3.

Your winner: JBL (10:55). Pretty decent little opener, especially since Regal can play the face in this match but still be just as much a heel as ever next week.

Backstage: Kristal is with Booker and Sharmell. Booker can't wait to face Kurt in round two of the King of the Ring tournament, but Kristal wants Booker's thoughts on tonight's title match. Booker and Sharmell are upset that Kristal would want to talk about anything besides Booker. Gunner Scott shows up an says, “Hey, remember when I beat you?” And Booker's all, “Nuh uh, don't go there.” Booker says he will beat Gunner any time -- but not tonight, because he's feeling sick. But he will find Gunner an opponent. What a sweetheart.

Video Package: Kurt beat the Rock at No Mercy 2000 to win his first title.


Video Package: Way too long about Tatanka. I FF'd the whole thing, so I have no idea what it said.

MNM & Gregory Helms vs. Paul London, Brian Kendrick, & SuperCrazy

Apparently Smackdown decided to pack 90% of the excitement into one match. I am a fool for anything involving any of these guys (except Helms, lately). Faces start on fire, all three guys taking out all three bad guys, but Melina gets involved and knocks Kendrick down, allowing Nitro to take control. Heels use teamwork, cheating, and quick tags to lay a beatdown on Kendrick. Tazz informs us that Big Ben should sound like Melina's scream. Kendrick eventually gets a tag to London (in London ~!), and he is a house afire, taking out all three guys. Crazy and Kendrick get involved to keep the two non-legal heels out of the way, and London counters an attempted suplex by Helms into a rollup for the quick 1-2-3.

Your winners:London, Kendrick, and SuperCrazy (3:53). Criminally short match, considering the quality these six guys are capable of giving us, but it definitely served a couple purposes: London & Kendrick still have MNM's number, Helms is back and getting pinned by cruisers, etc.

After the Match: Melina looks unhappy.


Video Package: Angle beat Austin at Unforvgiven 2001.

Backstage: Melina is telling M&N that they need to start winning some matches. She and Jillian have a confrontation, which ends with some teenage boy's dream cat-fight.

Elsewhere Backstage: Lashley tapes up while telling the camera what a big deal the King of the Ring is to him. He's looking forward to beating Mark Henry.

Mark Henry vs. Bobby Lashley (King of the Ring opening round match)

The last two weeks, one of the only things otherwise-lackluster episodes had going for them was a lack of Mark Henry. Tonight won't have that going for it, but maybe it can be Henry's last match? Before we find out, we have...


Video Package: Angle beat Big Show at Armageddon 2002.

Mark Henry vs. Bobby Lashley (for real this time)

Power matchup first, and Henry wins that, of course. Lashley refuses to be intimidated, and my wife refuses to understand why Mark Henry is still on our TV. Lashley goes for a slam, and Henry punches him. He thought about doing a wrestling move, but then he remembered he doesn't know any.

After a few minutes of fat guy offense, Henry finally loses the advantage to Lashley, who hits a few clotheslines and a slam. He's going for the Dominator, but Henry hits a back-body drop. He tries to follow it up with something, but he instead falls over the rope in a sloppy fashion. Apparently he got shot with a tranquilizer gun when we weren't looking, because this somewhat innocuous bump resulted in severe unconsciousness. Oh, and Charles Robinson must be taking all the amphetamines the baseball players aren't taking, because his ten count only takes about ten seconds. (You'll recall a couple months or two ago, when it literally took nearly two minutes for a ten count.)

So anyway, Henry gets counted out.

Your winner: Bobby Lashley (5:08). This match? Awful. It had very little offense by the guy who knows how to wrestle. The sequence that ended up being the deciding blow was sloppy. And the ending was ridiculously unsatisfying, because this doesn't look like Henry being written out.

After the Match: Lashley celebrates, and Henry gets mad and beats him up, finishing with a splash against the steel post. For a guy who was apparently dead a minute ago, he sure did recover quickly. I hate Mark Henry.


Moments Ago: A terrible match, followed by a stupid beatdown that only means Mark Henry isn't going away.

Backstage: Rey is with Kristal. She asks him how it feels to be the underdog even though he is the champ. Is tonight the night he loses? Rey says he doesn't know when it will end, but he is living his dream, and he is looking forward to tonight's match with Kurt Angle.

Booker T plays booker

Apparently Booker T has the power to make matches. Maybe that's only in London ? Some sort of secret superpower? I dunno, but anyway, we will find out who he has chosen to face Gunner Scott, after these...


Video Package: Angle beat Big Show and Lesnar at Vengeance 2003.

In the ring: Booker and Sharmell are in the ring to help Chimel set up the match.

Gunner Scott vs. Finlay

Finlay starts out by laying a beating on Gunner. Scott take a brief advantage, but Finlay uses the ring skirt to his advantage. Finlay goes odd the second rope, but Gunner gets a boot to the face to take control. Belly-to-belly suplex gets a two count. The two end up outside, where Booker nails Gunner with a superkick and rolls him back into the ring. Sidewalk slam kind of thing by Finlay, and we have a 1-2-3.

Your winner: Finlay (3:45). Nothing special, but it sets up more to come in the Booker/Gunner feud.

After the Match: Finlay and Booker lay the smack down, but Benoit makes the save. I guess this also sets up a little animosity between Finlay and Benoit for their King of the Ring match next week.


Movie Trailer: See No Evil. Woohoo~!

In the Ring: Kristal presents to us ... The Great Khali!

Daivari states as a fact that the Undertaker's sprit has been broken and stolen by Khali. I can't wait to hear Khali mumble. The crowd chants for Taker, but Daivari tells us that Taker is afraid. Khali mumbles, and the crowd yells “What?” Kristal runs away scared.

Video Package: Angle won the title in the Battle Royale nearly four months ago.


Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio (Title Match)

We still have over twenty minutes left when the ring entrances start, so we should get at least a fifteen-minute match, I would think. Fifteen minutes between Kurt and Rey? Yeah, that might make up for some of the crap we have seen so far tonight. I may not be able to do much play-by-play here, with my two favorite current wrestlers going at it.

19:04Back-and-forth sequence to start, with the crowd split pretty evenly between Angle, Mysterio, and Eddie Guerrero. With the Eddie support, Rey is probably the slight favorite here, but the crowd seems to be pretty into both guys. Nearly three minutes in, Angle hits a belly-to-belly over the top rope, and we go to...


When we get back, Angle is in complete control. Rey tries to fight back, but he gets a knee to the gut for his troubles. Wicked awesome sequence that went from an attempted Angle Slam to a roll up to a dropkick to an attempted ankle lock to a mule kick. We're back to an even matchup, with both guys throwing everything at each other. Rey going for a 619, but Angle nails him with a back elbow. Rey hits a boot and a bulldog for a two count, and both guys seem pretty spent. While they recuperate, Cole tells us this is what Smackdown is all about, and Angle hits a belly-to-belly. He goes for the Angle Slam again, and Rey reverses into a DDT, which gets a VERY near fall. Rey going up to the top turnbuckle, but Angle was playing possum, and he throws him across the ring for a two count.

Angle goes for a shoulder in the corner, but Rey moves and Angle hits the ringpost. Rey drops the dime as Angle crawls into the ring, which gets another long two count. Both men are exhausted, and when they get back together, Angle hits a release German. Another attempted Angle Slam, and Rey counters into a head scissors. He follows up with a 619, but when he goes for the seated senton, Angle slams him down and locks the ankle. As Rey tries to get to the ropes...

Forget the Undertaker -- MY SPIRIT IS BROKEN!

Mark Henry attacks Angle from behind.

Your winner: Rey Mysterio (DQ, 14:49).

After the Match: Henry throws Rey out of the ring, then works on destroying Angle. Ringpost splash on Angle, then Henry grabs a table and sets it up. Angle is on the table, and Henry is fat. That's a dangerous combo. From the ring apron, Henry runs and jumps on Angle. Angle screams that his ribs are broken, and Henry waddles up the ramp, and we are out.


Worst ending ever. I was hoping that the Angle/Mysterio match would make up for the earlier Henry stuff, so I could pretend they happened in two separate universes. But WWE seems intent on making a main-eventer out of Henry, and it makes me very angry. I am not an expert. I am just a fan. But I know what my hatred for Mark Henry is all about. I don't hate him because he is a great heel. I hate him because he can't wrestle, but they keep shoving him down my throat. If he is going to be in TV, he needs to be in the classic “Big Fat Enforcer” role, where whenever Vince gets mad at someone, he puts them in a match with Mark Henry. Think of the roles Big Show, Kane, and Snitsky have played over the past several years. That is the only acceptable roles for Henry. If they want me to believe him as a main event wrestler, he needs to learn to wrestle first. And after ten years, that ain't gonna happen.

Was there good on this show? Yeah, there was. The 15 minutes of Angle/Mysterio leading up to the end was wonderful. The few minutes we got in the six-man tag match was great. But all I remember about this show is Mark Freaking Henry. I hate that man. I hate him a lot. I wish death upon him.



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
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RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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