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The Events of May 19th.... (unless you were
at the live show or were watching in Canada)
May 20, 2006

by Jeff J. Snider
Special for OnlineOnslaught.com


So it turns out the Randy Johnson is almost 43 years old. Too bad Steinbrenner didn't know that 18 months ago when he threw all his money at him. Wanna know the best part? Johnson will make $17 million in 2007, when he will turn 44 and (apparently) be at least a year removed from his Dominant Pitcher status. 
You gotta love Jim Thome. I am not a White Sox fan by any stretch of the imagination -- I think they have a loud-mouthed manager who needs to learn the art of ShutUp and an inordinate number of creepy-looking white dudes who totally look like they could play the abusive husband in a Lifetime Afternoon Movie (I'm looking at you,

Crede and Pierzynski and Podsednik and Politte and Buehrle) -- but I can't help rooting for them when Thome is up to bat. Not only did the Sox get rid of the worst of the Lifetime Men (Aaron Rowand) in the trade that got Thome, but Thome has always been a guy you just love. He quietly hits homers, and there is never any suspicion of foul play because, like Travis Hafner, the guy is just built on a slightly larger scale than the average man. It made me sad to see Thome struggle last year, so to see that he hit his 17th homer already today makes me very happy. I may hate the White Sox, but I root for them four times a game.

Enough baseball talk (is there such a thing?). Let's watch Smackdown!

Last week: JBL taunted Rey, then Khali destroyed Rey, then JBL promised something even bigger for this week. Please note that I predicted that it would be Kane. I'm just sayin'.

Smackdown Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we are taped from Albuquerque, New Mexico . When I was a kid, all I could think of when I heard about Albuquerque was that it was the home of the Albuquerque Dukes, the Triple-A minor league affiliate of the Los Angeles Dodgers. I kid you not, I was that much of a baseball dork. Then I heard Weird Al's song “ Albuquerque,” and I can't think of anything else when I hear the word. But anyway, we're here in Albuquerque, the Dodgers' Triple-A team is in Las Vegas (my least favorite city in America ), and we have a show that needs to get us ready for the PPV we have in two days.

JBL's weekly curtain-jerking promo

I'm pretty sure that since I started recapping Smackdown, at least half the episodes have started with JBL and a microphone. Tonight's promo is much like last week's, with talk of Mexicans and machismo and JBL taking the belt off Rey just like he did to Eddie. He also promises that tonight, Rey will play with fire. Oh, by the way, last week I predicted that Kane would be Rey's opponent tonight. I'm just sayin'.

MNM (all three of ‘em) vs. London, Kendrick, and Jillian

I noticed right away that Howard Finkle is on announcing duties tonight, not Tony Chimel. I love the Fink. During entrances, we see a video from last week, when Jillian helped London and Kendrick set up MNM and pull their pants down.

Jillian and Melina go right after each other, and as the guys pull their girls off each other, we decide to go to break, even though the match hasn't even started yet.


When we get back, the match is underway, and Kendrick is in control of Nitro. The faces keep control for a while, until Mercury chops Kendrick's knee from behind, and Kendrick begins an extended stint as your Face in Peril. M&N take turns working on the knee, and the women have not been involved in the match yet. Melina kind of changes that when she locks in a head scissors when the ref isn't looking, and Cole mentions that what she did is illegal. Tazz's response: “In some states.” Kendrick is finally able to run Mercury into Nitro, and Kendrick hits the hot tag to London . London is on fire, and he hits a beautiful double dropsault, taking down both men. Call me crazy, but I think that dropsault is one of the greatest moves in wrestling today. London and Nitro end up whacking their heads, and when Nitro stumbles towards Melina, she tags herself in. Under the mixed tag rules, Jillian becomes the legal “man” for the faces, and the two broads go at it. Jillian hits a pretty cool Thesz Press, and the crowd is pretty hyped up. All six combatants end up in the ring, but London and Kendrick dispatch Mercury and Nitro, and Jillian goes up to the top turnbuckle, then hits a flying cross body for the pin.

Your winners: London, Kendrick, and Jillian (11:00 from the time they came back from the first commercial). Pretty darn fun match, not cut short like these matches often are, and it leaves some good questions for the PPV. This tag title match is one of the few worth watching this Sunday, and this makes it very hard to pick who will win. Regular wrestling storytelling would indicate that since London and Kendrick have been getting the upper hand lately, MNM will retain the titles. But it's not often that “getting the upper hand” involves victories of one sort or another in five straight weeks; that sort of roll may defy regular logic and dictate a win for the good guys. Either way, it's good to see that there is at least one match that has good storytelling, talented participants, and something real on the line.


See No Evil premiere recap, again. They're getting their money's worth on this. My brother is a film critic, and he reviews pretty much every movie that comes out. Both See No Evil and The DaVinci Code came out today, and while he gave DaVinci a slightly higher grade (C+ as opposed to C for See No Evil), he did say that See No Evil is an hour shorter, and therefore potentially more enjoyable. His overall impression of the movie: very formulaic horror flick, which isn't necessarily bad; the film's greatest weakness is that it is not even remotely scary.

Two weeks ago: Mark Henry got all sorts of fat on Kurt Angle's ribs.

Live via satellite: Kurt talks about 1996, when he won the gold medal and Henry won nothing. Henry may be the World's Strongest Man, but Angle is the World's Greatest Wrestler.


Last week: Lashley beat Finlay to advance to the King of the Ring finals.

Lashley vs. Jared Steele

This is a squash, and unlike some of the squashes from the last couple weeks, it didn't feel way too long. It was over two minutes, but since Lashley actually has the ability to do some cool stuff, it never got boring. Spear, pin.

Your winner: Bobby Lashley (2:06).This guy is majorly impressive in lots of ways.

After the match: Lashley poses on the throne, and Booker and Sharmell come out and take exception to it. They head to the ring, and we head to...


Raw Rebound: If Rick won't recap my recaps, I won't recap his.

Booker T & Finlay vs. Chris Benoit & Gunner Scott

I wrote down a whole lot of play-by-play when I was taking notes on this match, but now that the match is over, I just don't have the urge to type them up. Let's go with a summary instead:

--Finlay was, once again, pretty Ortontastic, what with the headlocks and all.

Gunner spent a whole lot of time getting the crap kicked out of him by the bad guys, although he dished out a fair helping as well.

--At least three times in the match, Booker was in trouble and turned the tables with a thumb to the eye.

--Finlay beat Benoit down pretty well outside the ring, running him into the stair and then whacking him with the shillelagh.

--End game: Booker was in control of Gunner, setting up for the Bookend, when Lashley came back to the top of the ramp and sat in the throne. Sharmell screamed to Booker to let him know that Lashley was in his chair, and Gunner used the distraction to hit a crucifix and pin Booker.

Your winners: Chris Benoit and Gunner Scott (16:44).This was an okay match, and it served the purpose of advancing the storyline between Booker and Lashley, while trying to create a storyline that justifies the fact that Benoit and Finlay are facing each other at Judgment Day.

After the match: Lashley looks satisfied, and Booker looks ticked.


Next week: Tatanka returns. Woo-freaking-hoo~!

The Mumbling Indian Theatre

Daivari is in the ring, and he introduces a film clip that starts as a highlight reel of Taker's greatest moments, then turns into a “highlight” reel of Khali being really big. Once the video is over, Daivari brings Khali to the ring and hands him a mic. Every once in a while, a promo is so important that I have to transcribe it directly. This is one of those times:

“Udduhtata!!! Tp[oijodclkdsncejgdxjk df jgdflbvjsdklgjdfgkjjklj; xdfhsdu sdfhiuhgfer sd jh sdfiufhwoiuh ZScioj sediodf sdioj gfkjlhdfj9iuaS{!!! Rehhhhh ihhhhhh peeeehhhhh!!!”


Mark Henry vs. Matt Hardy

When I am taking notes, I just use initials for the wrestlers. If two guys in the same match have the same initial (like Booker and Benoit), I will use two initials for one or both (BT for Booker, B for Benoit). What the freak am I supposed to do in a match between MH and MH? Not care? Consider it done.

This is a squash. Matt gets token offense, but he never has a chance, and we know it. Henry maintains his impressively low actual-wrestling-moves-to-victories ratio, although Khali will give him a run for his money.

Your winner, via being big and fat: Mark Henry (2:24).This match was a Mark Henry match. That's all I can say for it. At least it was short, unlike the crapfest with Angle this Sunday.

After the match: Henry grabs a mic and tells Angle he will finish what he started.

See No Evil trailer


Backstage: Vito and Nunzio are talking when Vito's phone rings. Vito pretends it's a hot chick, but we can totally tell that it's his boyfriend. Vito walks away, and a drunken Paul Burchill comes up and tells Nunzio that he saw Vito in drag at a grocery store. Nunzio says, “Vito doesn't wear skirts, he chases them.” Speaking of drunken pirates, any fan of 24 and/or Kiefer Sutherland will want to watch this video.

Judgment Day Rundown: Lots of crappy matches.

Rey Mysterio vs. ...


Rey is in the ring, and JBL comes down to ringside, stands on the announce table, and grabs a mic. “Hey Rey, do you know where you are? I'll help you, you're in Albuquerque, North Mexico . Do you know what year it is? It's 2006. Do you know the date?” Rey responds, “It's May 19th.” Oh, did I mentioned that I said last week that Rey's opponent would be Kane?

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane

Rey said the date, so Kane beats him up. Let's get one thing clear: this match is a hundred times better than the last two weeks, because Kane can actually, you know, wrestle. But the bottom line is that you are still booking your champ as a huge loser, and that's a bad thing. If Rey doesn't beat JBL on Sunday, he WILL be the worst champ ever, and that's not his fault.

So anyway, Rey gets a couple hope spots, including one when the voices in Kane's TitanTron knock him into 619 position. Rey hits the 619 and then tries to drop the dime, but Kane catches him by the throat and chokeslams him. Kane is still dazed by the spookiness, though, so he doesn't follow up. JBL gets in the ring with a mic to urge Kane to finish Rey. JBL proves once again why HHH, not JBL, is called the Cerebral Assassin, when he says, “Come on, Kane, Rey said May 19th!” Kane hears the date and chokeslams JBL, then he shoots off his corner pyro.

No Contest (5:41).

And we're out.

[Analysis: This show was definitely not as bad as the last two weeks, but that's not necessarily a compliment. Let's run down the Judgment Day matches and see what they did for each tonight:

-- Rey Mysterio vs. JBL:Well, if nothing else, they convinced me that Rey MUST retain his title this weekend. I don't see much point in playing up the underdog card like this if the underdog is just going to lose.

-- Undertaker vs. Khali:We haven't seen Taken in many weeks, and we haven't seen anything good out of Khali ever. This is obviously a one-time thing, because Taker will, of necessity, expose Khali at the PPV, and he will go the way of Giant Gonzalez. But let's face it: this is a match no one is clamoring to see.

-- Kurt Angle vs. Mark Henry:The backstory is there -- Henry hurt Kurt. The problem here is that you have the World's Greatest Wrestler trying to polish a 400-pound turd. Kurt is really hurt, so he hasn't been able to do much buildup other that talking, and his injury makes it even less likely that he will be able to pull a good match out of Henry. Nothing about tonight added any excitement to this match, but I don't think anything could.

-- Booker T vs. Bobby Lashley:This should be a good match. A tournament final doesn't necessarily need a lot of backstory, but they have given it to us anyway, going all the way back to the first week of the tournament, when Booker anointed himself King of the Ring and Lashley took exception. Now it is Lashley sitting in the throne and Booker being upset. Both guys are capable of having a good match, and I think this will be one of the two highlights of the show.

-- London and Kendrick vs. MNM:This will be the other highlight, and this is the one match that was really built up tonight. Like I said before, it is tough to decide who will win this match, but it should be outstanding. I hope they give it at least 15 minutes.

-- Chris Benoit vs. Finlay:This match came out of nowhere, and while they built up some aggression between the two tonight, it will still be out of nowhere come Sunday. It could be good; it will definitely be intense. But whatever it is, it will be it in spite of tonight's show, not because of it.

-- Gregory Helms vs. SuperCrazy:No sign of either guy tonight. This match doesn't have any backstory, having just been signed last week, and they apparently aren't interested in giving us a story. This will be a fun match, and its purpose on the card will be to be a fun match.

-- Melina vs. Jillian:They advanced this tonight. I have no idea if the match will suck or not, but they have the intensity vibe going, and they even had the crowd going tonight.

So of the eight announced matched, four got some good buildup, but nothing happened that made me want to spend money on this PPV. Melina never touched a mic, so that was good. Mark Henry's match was less than three minutes, so that was good. They did all the right addition by subtraction, but the time has come where they need to start doing some addition by addition.]



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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