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Kurt Says Farewell in Style
June 3, 2006

by Jeff J. Snider
Special for OnlineOnslaught.com


Yesterday (Friday) was my birthday, which was nice. What wasn't nice was that I had to get up at 3:00 this morning and drive my wife and daughter to the airport, because they are going to visit her family in Texas for a week or so. So now I am sitting at home, all alone, very sleepy, and it's time to watch Smackdown. Can it keep me awake? DON'T BANK ON IT~!
Before we get to that, let's ramble a bit. I have now survived the first week of the offseason for television. It seems cruel that I lose all the shows I love in the span of a couple weeks. I don't know if I should list them, but here are the shows that I watch that had their seasons end in the last couple weeks: 24 (the greatest show on TV),

The Office (and while Rick hated the ending of the season finale, I liked it; I love the show's humor, but I also like the interaction between Pam and Jim, and the way the season ended leaves a lot of possibilities open), American Idol (I was rooting for Chris Daughtry, but once it came down to Taylor and Katharine, I didn't care much who won, because I like them both just fine), House (very interesting season finale, which also leaves open a lot of possibilities), Lost (very very good season finale; the show hit a slow spot earlier in the season where I felt like nothing happened for a few episodes, but it has really picked it up), and Gilmore Girls (I'm nervous for the future of this show; this season wasn't as good as previous seasons, and the creator/writer is leaving). On top of that, the Daily Show and the Colbert Report both took hiatuses. My DVR, which usually has lots of good stuff for me, is literally full of The Wiggles for my daughter and ER and Ellen Degeneres for my wife. Oh well, at least it's baseball season.

Let's watch some rasslin:

Cold Open: Chimel introduces “the new host of Smackdown,” Mike Mizanin. Miz tells us we are in Portland , and he says Hoo-Rah, which makes me want to kick him in the teeth.

Tonight: Booker T vs. Bobby Lashley. Also, The Lousy Khali will be the guest in the Piper's Pit. But first, Kurt Angle in his “farewell match” vs. Rey Mysterio.

Smackdown Theme, Pyro, Etc., and Paul Heyman is making his way to the announce table to join Tazz and Cole on commentary. Tazz and Heyman are lovey dovey, while Cole and Heyman try to play nice with each other.

Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio

During ring entrances, Heyman toots his own horn for drafting Angle to ECW. Face-off to start the match, then Angle with a double-leg takedown and some slaps to the head. Armdrag, and more slaps to the head. The beginning of the match continues that way, with Angle dominating and showing very little respect for Rey. Mysterio eventually hits a head scissors, while Heyman lets us know that Angle has issued an open challenge to anyone who wants to face him in ECW. Angle quickly regains control and begins to work Rey's knee.

Just as I am wondering if Angle will dominate the entire match, he hits the ringpost with his shoulder, and Rey lays in with some punches in the corner. After eight, Angle hits a powerbomb. Angle tries to follow up with an Angle Slam, but Rey counters with an armdrag that sends Kurt out to the floor. Kurt ducks a follow-up attempt, and both men get right back in the ring for a staredown in the middle. Somewhere during all this, Heyman not-too-subtly hinted to Tazz that he is looking for an announcer for ECW. During the staredown, we go to...


Back, and Angle is in control. Heyman has another announcement: Rey has accepted a challenge to wrestle at One Night Stand, defending his World Title against Sabu. “One way or another, at least one title will be rechristened ‘The ECW Championship.'”

This match has been going for ten minutes, and Rey has had the advantage for literally 30 seconds. Heyman tells us that being drafted to ECW has awakened a new competitive spirit in Angle, and I can see it. Rey finally hits a dropkick, but Angle comes right back with a beautiful belly-to-belly suplex for a two count.

Rey counters some Angle offense with a wicked DDT, and both men are down as Charles Robinson counts. Both men back up, and Rey hits a tilt-a-whirl headscissors, followed by a reverse snapmare for a two count. Drop toehold into the turnbuckle knocks Angle for a loop, and Rey gives him a boot to the head to send him to the floor, followed by a baseball slide into a head scissors.

Both men back in the ring, and Rey hits the seated senton. After a two count, Angle rolls through and gets his own two count on Rey. Angle then hits a beautiful release German suplex, with Rey completely flipping in the air.

Clothesline to Mysterio, and Angle drops the straps for the Angle Slam, which he hits, but Rey gets his leg on the ropes at two. Angle tries to lock the ankle, but Rey kicks out, so Angle goes for another Angle Slam, which Rey counters with a head scissors that puts Kurt in 619 position. The 619 connects, and Rey goes up for the frog splash. Angle was playing possum, and he goes up to try a superplex from the top. Rey holds his ground up top, and after a brief struggle, hits a Sunset Flip. Now it's Angle's turn to hold his ground, as he grabs the ropes to prevent Rey from finishing the move. Kurt drops down to the mat, and Rey hits another sunset flip. This time, Angle rolls all the way through and comes up with Rey in an ankle lock. Rey rolls through and drops Kurt into 619 position again, but when he goes for it, Kurt catches Rey's legs. Rey somehow rolls Angle up and gets a 2.9 count.

Rey tries to follow up, but Angle hits a wicked belly-to-belly over the top rope. Just before Rey can get back in the ring, Charles Robinson gets to a ten count, and just like that, a beautiful match has an unsatisfying finish.

Your winner: Kurt Angle (19:15). I knew that I should probably expect some sort of non-finish like this, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Very good match, though, and we have already passed up last week's “minutes of actual matches that don't include Mark Henry” number, so I am pretty happy so far.

After the match: Kurt hands Rey's belt to him and shakes his hand. They embrace, and Kurt leaves the ring.

See No Evil hype: I don't care.


Batista is coming back, but not for five weeks.

Earlier today: Lashley talks about his dream come true last week when he beat JBL for the U.S. Championship. JBL demanded respect, but Lashley looks forward to earning respect.

Backstage: Nunzio is doing squats, and he is worried that Vito is nowhere to be found to be in Nunzio's corner for his match, which is coming up right after these...


Matt Hardy vs. Nunzio

1:18:35 I have decided I like the idea of Matt Hardy more than I actually like Matt Hardy. When he was out of the company, I thought, “Yeah, they should bring him back. He's cool.” But it turns out that he is pretty boring. Maybe it's not his fault, but I don't know.

Nunzio is looking around hoping Vito will show up, but he's nowhere to be seen. I'm guessing he'll show up late with a little lipstick still on.

As Tazz and Cole talk about tonight's Piper's Pit, I wonder who will be easier to understand, Piper or Khali. I also think about the fact that while Hardy is boring to me, putting him in a match with Nunzio is not the solution. The match is going on, but I really don't care much. Hardy hits a bulldog for a two count, followed up with a second-rope elbow to the back of the neck. Twist of Fate, 1-2-3.

Your winner: Matt Hardy (4:38). I assume this is just a setup for a confrontation between Nunzio and Vito; otherwise, it was completely pointless. That's right, your options are “mostly pointless” and “completely pointless.”

After the match: Vito comes down to the ring in a dress, which causes Nunzio quite a shock when he sees him. Nunzio runs backstage, and Vito follows him.

Last week: Mark Henry got fat on Benoit.


More Hoo-Rah! The Miz isn't too bad except when he is saying Hoo-Rah. He introduces Portland 's own Rowdy Roddy Piper.

The Piper's Pit of incomprehensibleness

I can't believe that Piper is still working. I thought he would have been set financially after “Hell Comes to Frogtown.” Piper tells us that any time WWE needs something done and no one wants to do it, they call him. He won't believe how big Khali is until he sees him, so let's bring him out.

Khali immediately gets his chest in Piper's face, and Piper says he wouldn't want to do jail time with him. He asks how much English Khali knows, and Daivari informs us that he doesn't speak any English, but that Daivari can interpret. Piper tells Daivari to go take a break, and then he proceeds to take advantage of the fact that Khali knows no English. It's basically the same thing we do with my mom's Chihuahuas -- it doesn't matter what you say, as long as you say it in a happy voice, they get all excited. So you can tell them what you really think of them -- and we all know what you really thing of Chihuahuas -- and they thank you for it. It doesn't work so well for Piper, who gets in a Frankenstein joke, a Brokeback Mountain joke, and a “Did your parents have any children who lived?” before Daivari, who DIDN'T take a break like Piper suggested, gets indignant.

Piper tells Khali that Undertaker is the toughest guy in the history of WWE, and Daivari says that's all in the past. Piper gets up on the second rope to get on eye level while he yells at Khali, and Khali grabs him by the neck. Daivari calms Khali down and tells Piper Khali is the most dominant force in the WWE. Piper says, “Maybe he is, but you ain't,” and decks Daivari. Khali gives Piper a headbutt and a chop to the head, then stands over him. Gee, that was predictable.


Hooray for Divas!

Chimel introduces Ashley, who comes down to the announce table to watch a pointless broad match. They use this chance to remind us that they are doing the Diva Search again this year, and that it will be on both Raw and Smackdown.

Kristal vs. Jillian

Yeah, I'm gonna recap this. It ended with Kristal trying to go for a victory roll, but Jillian stops it halfway through and gets the pin.

Your winner: Jillian (2:34). There you have it.

After the match: Jillian helps Kristal up, and they shake hands. Then Michelle McCool shows up looking very WCW Stacy Kiebler (and anyone who knows how I feel about Stacy knows that I mean that in a very, very good way). Michelle says she's going to show the girls what it takes to be a real lady, and then promises to teach the guys in the audience something about the birds and the bees. Things around here are about to get a whole lot hotter.


Mark Henry vs. Paul Burchill

During Henry's entrance, we see another flashback about last week's destruction of Benoit. I am reminded of a couple years ago, when Benoit put Henry out of commission with a crossface that supposedly caused a shoulder injury, and my wife and I were hopeful that we would never see Mark Henry again. Oh well.

As soon as Burchill steps in the ring, Henry hits him with a clothesline. Then a punch. Then a knee. Then another knee. And another. Then a boot to the head. Then a powerslam. Then another. 1-2-3.

Your winner: Mark Henry (54 seconds). Remember just a few weeks ago when they actually seemed to be pushing Burchill. I guess they didn't know where to go from there, because he has become the whipping boy. But as always, the greatest compliment one can pay to a Mark Henry match is this: it was short. Hooray for that. If they have to put him on my TV, at least get him off it quickly.

After the match: More beaty uppy, including a back to the ringpost a few times. The longer this beatdown goes, the less effective the shortness of his match was. He pulls the padding off the top of the wall, and then he does nothing with it, instead doing the same rope-assisted Camel Clutch. Whatever.


Video Package: Mr. Kennedy is coming back next week.

Finlay vs. Caden Mathews

33:07 Okay, here's the deal. When Finlay first showed up, I thought he was boring, because anyone can beat the crap out of jobbers. Then he feuded with Lashley, and it was one of the most intense rivalries I have seen in a while, and it was awesome. Then he went all rest-hold-tastic on us for a couple weeks, and now he is back to jobbers. Not a great progression.

Mathews gets thrown out of the ring by Finlay, then mysteriously pulled under the ring by an unseen force. Finlay pulls him back out, throws him back in the ring, and hits his finisher, whatever it is called.

Your winner: Finlay (1:48). The match was boring, but it was short, and of course it was just a setup for what happened...

After the match: Finlay grabs the shillelagh, then goes outside the ring and pulls out a leprechaun. This, of course, surprises Cole and Tazz. Finlay throws the leprechaun in the ring, and Leppy proceeds to beat on Mathews. Then Finlay kicks Leppy back under the ring.

Another trailer for See No Evil, and once again, I didn't watch it.


ECW One Night Stand rundown: I think I will actually buy this PPV.

At Ringside: Tazz takes off his glasses and tells the camera that Lawler is a piece of trash. Tazz challenges Lawler to a match at One Night Stand. “Beat me if you can, old man. Survive if I let you.”

More Hoo-Rahs: I hate people who say “verse” instead of “versus.” After The Miz announces the upcoming match, Regal comes out to repeat what he said about 80 times last week (and that might not even be an exaggeration): “All Hail King Booker!” He says it another 80 times as Booker and Sharmell make their way to the ring, and I fast forward the entrance. Finally, Regal shuts up, but Sharmell starts talking, and I wish I had a second pencil to stick in my ear. Then Booker re-introduces Queen Sharmell, and Regal starts his Hail Bookers again.


When we get back, Regal is still going. Finally, we get a match.

Booker T vs. Bobby Lashley

10:44 Regal stayed at ringside with Sharmell, and I have a feeling he will get involved before this night is over. Booker gets in Lashley's face reminding him that he's the king, and Lashley gives him a “bring it on.” Tie up in the corner, and referee Jimmy Korderas has a hard time breaking them up. Another tie up, and Lashley has the strength advantage, but Booker has the knee-to-the-gut advantage. Booker gets control briefly, but Lashley powers out and dominates with some impressive power moves for a couple two counts. Back and forth for a bit, and then Booker hangs Lashley up on the top rope to regain solid control.

Booker goes for a suplex, but Lashley blocks it twice, then hits a snap suplex of his own. The guys exchange punches, and Lashley eventually gets the better of it. Booker ducks a kick and hits a super kick of his own. He goes for the Bookend, but Lashley powers out of it and hits a couple belly-to-belly suplexes. Lashley goes for a spear, but Booker hits a knee. Booker tries to follow it up with a scissor kick, but Lashley catches him and hits a running powerslam for the pin.

Your winner: Bobby Lashley (5:29). There was only about nine minutes left when the match started, so I was expecting a fairly short match, but this was even shorter than I thought. But it was solid and enjoyable. I better un-pause and see what they plan on doing with the remaining three or four minutes. I bet Regal will be involved.

After the match: Regal jumps Lashley from behind, and then Finlay shows up with a shillelagh and does some beating too. Lashley tries to fight back, but they are too much for him. Booker directs traffic, then hits a Bookend and calls for his throne. We watch replays as the Brits get the throne, then Lashley tries to fight back again, but they overpower him again. Shillelagh to the gut, scissor kick, and Booker grabs a mic. Booker sits in the throne and calls Lashley a peasant, then demands that the unconscious Lashley bow down to King Booker. Regal and Finlay make Lashley kiss Booker's feet, and then Sharmell grabs the mic. That's when my brain turns off. Luckily, the show ends not long after that.

[Analysis: Interesting show, once again presenting some new things that make us wonder where they are going. I wonder why they are doing this stuff with the leprechaun if Finlay is going to be involved in a real storyline with Booker and Regal. Seems kind of weird to me.

The Angle/Mysterio match was great, although it's a little bittersweet knowing that we won't be seeing Angle on Smackdown again for a while. Mark Henry only overstayed his welcome a little bit, the stuff with Khali was short and not-too-painful, and the rest of the show was not actively bad.

This is two weeks in a row that I am at least moderately interested in seeing what happens next week, so that is something.]



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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